Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Basketball Shit.

         "I'm sooooooo hot.  Can't WAIT to upload this to Facebook for my peeps."



Creative title, right?  You will also notice that my post was up in time for Grumpy's 5AM trip to McDonald's for coffee and conversations about hating young people, agriculture and peanut brittle.  Alright assholes...here's the deal.  It has been decided that a deathly plague infect my throat to the point where it feels like I'm swallowing glass shards covered in grenade shrapnel.  TOO MUCH DICK SUCKIN I GUESS!  LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!  Beat you to the cock joke, fucknuggets.  So this is gonna be short and sweet.  Like my pubes.  And my basketball posts seem to be a crowd favorite so here we go.

-Never before has such a wise choice been made by a young black man.  Trey Burke returning to Michigan was the only move he could have made if he ever wanted to do more than Darius Morris.  Honestly he needs to play two more years but we all know next year he'll be looking at those NBA dollars like there's a white girl's pussy on the front instead of a dead President.  I wonder what Morris is doing these days.  Probably Kobe's dirty undies or anal for grocery money.  I will never, no matter how eloquently it's explained to me, understand why Morris left early.  What quack told him he was a definite first round draft pick?  Was it Shooter from Hoosiers after getting balls deep in a gin bottle?  That's top notch career ending advice by some moldy penis hole trying to get rich off of Morris' inability to think like a normal person.  Enjoy eating Vaseline with Starbury in China next year.

-Jared Sullinger is set to become the next big Ohio bust in the NBA.  I realize this is old news but it's such a puzzling move.  I thought you were supposed to enter the draft when your stock was highest.  His numbers don't suggest a drop off this year, but if you watched any Buckeye basketball you noticed an enormous difference in tubby's play.  And we aren't NBA scouts.  Honestly though...where the fuck do you put this guy at the next level?  He's too small to play center and not quick enough to play power forward.  Lord knows this fat little pigeon is too lard-assed to play a small forward.  I don't see him doing what Kevin Love has done since Love is white and has had to work his milky fingers to the fuckin bone to excel in a black man's game.  What I'm saying is that Sullinger is probably lazy because he's relied on his blackness to get him this far.  And Love never did this gay shit.  Sullinger reminds me of DeJuan Blair and I wouldn't be shocked if he were picked in the 2nd round.

-I get to hate DeShaun Thomas for another year. That's about as exciting as getting punched in the butthole.  I want success for Thomas the same way G$ wants success for Daniel Tosh.

-Here's another reason to hate Mike and Mike.  Yesterday morning Greenburg was quasi-defending Dwight Howard and saying how he is a really really really good guy, just a little immature.  I'm surprised Greenburg could get his headset on this morning you know...considering both of his hands are usually lodged firmly in his pussy.  I'm sure SVG echoes the same sentiments, you fuckin fairy.  This is why I wish I was able to get Detroit radio.  Every morning I get this manure from pussy and the knuckle dragger when I could be getting actual hilarious radio from guys like Valenti and Foster.  When I was traveling in Michigan today Valenti used the words "prison sexed".  It almost made me forget he rabidly hates the Wolverines.

-Speaking of Kevin Love...how the fuck is this guy not in the lead for the MVP?  The whole idea behind guys who don't play for playoff teams not being eligible for the MVP is such a dumb argument.  That's fair...penalize a guy for getting drafted to a team of butt crust and sticking with them despite the owner's never ending quest to always draft in the top 5.  You could actually argue Love deserves it MORE than guys on contenders.  If you're stuck on a shitty teams with shitty players then it's pretty damn easy for the opponent to figure out how to win, right?  Cork the stud and make the runny poop beat you.  The fact that Love is able to impose his will on anyone he wishes despite being the best player on a pretty terrible team is way more impressive than Lebron lighting fuckers up with Bosh and Wade hand jobbing each other in the distance.

-Antoine Walker is retired...again.  In other news, he's still fat, pathetic, broke and should be killing himself sometime in the near future.  Keep an eye out for that breaking news alert on the bottom of ESPN Deportes...because no one cares about Twann enough to put him on ESPN or the deuce.

-Lamar Odom has left the Dallas Mavericks officially.  Does anyone care?  Yeah...didn't think so.  He can go back to smashing handfuls of gummy bears while having gross sex with easily the dumpiest Kardashian out of the group.  That disgusting whore makes any of those teen mom hookers look like a tasty option.

-Atlanta still sits in the 5th spot.  Just keeping everyone updated.  Indiana is currently the 3rd seed?  Total mind blower.  Is there a more boring NBA team than the Pacers?  Christ, I would rather do house chores from sun up to sun down than watch this team.  Here's a better question.  Does anyone on that team even like Tyler Hansbrough?  In my head the team takes turns fucking with him for no reason other than he is a titanic doucher.  Last week I envisioned David West lining Hansbrough's jock with Icy Hot.  This week I think someone will fish hook him with a poopy finger.

There you go, assholes.  I just realized I haven't mocked Paul Pierce nearly enough and for that I sincerely apologize.  But that will be for another week as I must now focus all my energy on not dying.  Hopefully tomorrow it doesn't feel like I'm deep throating Peter North.  Enjoy, fucksticks.

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

Any post with a Beer Can reference is automatically ELITE.

GMoney said...

Your ailment has doubled or tripled your casual racism so it is doing something right.

I don't think that Sullinger will be a bust. His ceiling is what? Carlos Boozer? I could see him having a Boozer-ish career. I could also see Shelden Williams Redux, too. What he lacks in LEMPH, he makes up for in STREMPH. He'll work hard so while he will never be an All Star, I think that he'll be fine. You should see/hear what Ohio State fans are saying about him. You would think that he played for Michigan now. Shit like "he'll be out of the league in 3 years" is being said WAY too much.

Kevin Love IS the MVP. This shouldn't even be a debate but you know he won't win because Cocksucker McGee is apparently having the best statistical season ever or something.

I would vote for Lester Hudson as MVP though.

Dwight Howard is a twat.

Anonymous said...

*I bet the dicks that you were sucking were black.

*Burke is retarded for even thinking as long as he did about jumping to the NBA.

*You could see Sullinger as a 2nd round pick?!?! LOLZ. He's going to be a lottery pick you shit for brains retard. I see him averaging 16 and 9 in the NBA over his career, which would be a very solid career in the NBA.

*The Love Machine is indeed the MVP.

*Buckets is indeed back!

*Odd fact...the Pacers are an overachieving 3 seed in teh NBA, yet they have the second worst attendance in the NBA. I find that to be really surprising.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

When I look at Sullinger I see Drew Gooden. Solid low double figure scorer.

Anonymous said...

Dwight Howard is indeed a twat. I love SVG, but hate any team that employs JJ Redick.

Kevin Love. MVP. LeBron. Has 2 other fags. Black.

Speaking of 'toine and his hilarious squandering of his money, extra lol's need to go out to Warren Sapp. Enjoy your 240 pairs of Air Jordan's in your new section 8 housing, you fat fuck.

Call me crazy, but I love the Pacers. They are boring as hell, but so were the Spurs and Pistons championship teams. Now, I'm not saying the Pacers are going to win it, but their style of basketball can win it. And I would totally love it if they knocked off the Heat in the second round. Psycho T is a pretty unlikable guy, but I've heard many statements from around the league that every team HATES playing against him because he is, well, fucking crazy. This makes me like him a lot more.

On that note, as much of a fag that he is, that McRoberts guy from Duke on the Lakers gets my approval. Any hulking white guy that tries to injure every player he guards is OK in my book. Bring back McHale and Laimbeer. Basketball was so much a better sport with them in it.

Ide

GMoney said...

WHOA! Sullinger can tie his own shoes which makes him already 8 times smarter than Drew Gooden.

16/9 may be a bit much but there is nothing wrong drafting a 14/8 (give or take) guy in the top ten. If he learns to do the dirty work, he will play as long as Kurt Thomas.

Buckets is a bit of an odd duck (like Old Jack). His stock is never going to get higher than it is right now and he appears to be a guy that does not embrace the student portion of student-athlete. I'm surprised that he is coming back.

MUDawgfan said...

How bout those Baylor Bears? If they aren't murdering players, they are commiting NCAA infractions.

Mr. Ace said...

Sullinger will be more of a 8/10 guy than a 16/8 guy. He's just not nearly as explosive as Boozer, or even Gooden. His shot takes too long. And he doesn't have the motor of Blair.

Lil Strut owes Bucketz an apology for calling him a greedy, ghetto negroid who wanted to leave college early from day one. For not wanting to be a student athlete he is doing a pretty good job at coming back to school and staying eligible.

The Spurs are the favorites to win the Association, right? Seems like we have some fresh legs for the first time in 5 years.

So glad Burke is back. I have we win the national championship and then he tears his ACL so he has to come back again.

The Iceman said...

What is Sullinger? 6'9" with heels on? We saw him get Dominated by Whitey when Ohio got bounced by Kansas...and Whitey may not even get drafted. My point is that Sullinger struggles against LEMPH and won't be able to use his post up game as effectively in the NBA. That means he had better develop his extended jump shot game or that chubbo is in trouble.

I'm sure someone will do something stupid and draft him in the lottery. Johnny Flynn was a lottery pick for fuck sake. I'm just saying if he did slip to the end of the first/start of the 2nd round I wouldn't be shocked like everyone else would be.

I can't believe the Spurs have the record they do. With guys who graduated high school with Grumpy, that team should barely be .500.

I love that everyone hates Hansbrough. I've always hated that fucking fag. He probably tucks his tshirts into his jean shorts.

Anonymous said...

I will not retract any of my statements about Deshaun Thomas. He probably sat down with Thad and was told that next year he could be a 18/10 guy and be Like Evan Turner with the entire offense running through him, just without the assists and sick ball handling. After that, I am sure he realized the obvious choice that sticking around for one mor year and being picked in the top 15 is better than leaving now, being picked in the 2nd round,and being shipped off to Europe or the NBDL. Ultimately, his intentions are the same. Bucket$ does not give a shit about college life. Nevertheless, I don't hold ill will against him and I am excited that he is coming back. His return keeps OSU in the B1G title discussion.

I don't think Sullinger will be a perennial NBA all star, but I also don't think he will be out of the league in a few years. Sully has a high basketball IQ and can rebound with the best of them. If teams use him correctly, he could be a solid contributor averaging about 12/9.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I love how most of you just brand guys as finished products in college as if what they are now is what they will always be (see: MKG). How many times had Sullinger faced 7 footers before the KU game? MAYBE a handful of times. He'll figure out what works and what doesn't. He isn't an idiot. HE HAS STREMPH!

The last thing that Carlos Boozer is is explosive. If the Bulls had balls, they would use their amnesty on that bald, acne-covered asshole.

I don't buy the Spurs because Danny Green and Gary Neal log decent minutes and those two suck balls.

Not to skull-fuck my own horn here but I picked Indiana to finish third in the East before the season started (or 4th, either way it was ELITE). I don't mind Hansbrough anymore but it's only because he NEVER passes. He shoots all the time. It's TOTES LOL.

Li'l Strut is a racist.

Anonymous said...

Agree with G$...these guys are far from finished products. Also, Sully is not going to be playing with his back to the basket against a 7 footer very often. He was a Center at OSU...he's going to be a PF that pops around the elbow to shoot short jumpers and do the the dirty work on the glass in the NBA. He will be used COMPLETELY differently.

I forgot to mention that I do now indeed LOATHE Dwight Howard. I mentioned this last week, but I really do feel bad for whichever fan base watches their team sign him to a max deal after next season. That's gonna suck to watch that faggot be the face of your franchise.

I think the Heat are the faves to win it all with teh Thunder a close second. The growth of a vagina on Derrick Rose is making me leary of their chances.

I don't mind Hansborough...whitey works hard and has carved out a nice niche. The tucking of the shirt into jean shorts reference was ELITE tho.

I think Buckets stock can get higher. I think he'll average around 21PPG next year...lead the B1G in scoring...in work his way into the tail end of the first round. I do worry a bit about him taking 30 shots a game...Thad is gonna ahve to somehow keep a leash on that and it won't be easy.

--Drew

GMoney said...

An offense that runs through Buckets is terrifying in a good and bad way. Good because there is no way that you will be ELITE when he pumps up 30 shots to score 25 points. Bad because he can score 25 in his sleep. It just depends on how he gets there.

Good call on Rose...total pussy this year.

By the way, the NBA Draft this Summer is going to be off the hizzy.

Drew and I are on Team Sullinger. Ace and Iceman are on Team Vogrich.

Anonymous said...

Indiana's Zeller is coming back to school. Great news for anybody that doesn't want to see their lottery team take a big white kid (everybody outside of Utah fans just pumped their fists)

--Drew

Brady said...

I almost made it through the whole post today. Almost...

The Iceman said...

"Everyone outside of Utah fans just pumped their fists"

Slow fucking clap.

I understand these guys aren't finished products. But at this point we have a pretty good idea of who they are and who they can be. How much more can Sullinger develop? Is MKG going to shoot like Jordan in 5 years? In most cases these knocks stay with the player throughout their career. Derrick Rose...still a terrible outside shooter. Dwight Howard...still no touch from 10 feet. Lebron...still no post up game. My hunch is the deficiencies these guys had coming into the league will never fully be corrected.

The Iceman said...

Sorry, Brady. Next week I'll talk about Shelley Duncan and Casey Kotchman's ELITE batting averages and Cleveland's ace of a pitching staff. Nice fucking girl name, by the way. Shelley. His parents should have named him Pussy instead.

Anonymous said...

I don't think Bucket$ will put up 30 shots a game to get to 25 points. He greatly improved his "touch it, shoot it" mentality from his freshman to sophomore year. His first year, he almost exclusively shot three pointers and mid-range jumpers. This past year, he developed a low post game with his quasi-hook and also attached the offensive glass.

I don't think his game will change too much next year. Hew will still rely on the kickout three pointer, the low post quasi-hook and the offensive rebound putback for most of his production. He will just get more touches. Now that he has a post game, it is not so bad that he may shoot 18 shots a game, because as long as they are a mixture of shots, he will still shoot around 50% from the floor.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ozzie Guillen. ELITE. Pissing on an entire culture (much less his own) and getting suspesnded 4 games into the season is better than expected. Throwing his name in for the early CoY bid.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Even though it sounds like Daniel Tosh isn't well respected around here...Prime was right about the ozzie hasthtags on Twitter. "Jerry Sandusky...the only man I trust babysitting". There's some pretty good shit on there.

Anonymous said...

"Ozzie Guillen on the DC sniper: "I wish my ace had that kind of placement"

Ok, that made me laugh.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I knew you guys would like those Ozzie misquotes.

Kevin Love is awesome. All white players should model their game after him.

GMoney said...

Kevin Love, Steve Nash, and Luke Harangody = Role Models

I have never forgiven Tosh for saying that Community was not funny. Plus, he's a Heat fan.

Utah fans think that Cody Zeller is too flashy. They have their milky hearts set on Tyler Zeller.

Anonymous said...

Like 5 years ago I went to Indy to watch OSU play ND in a basketball game in Lucas Oil Stadium. I don't remember why the game was there...it was fucking retarded as that stadium is enormous and there couldn't have been more than 15,000 people there. Anyways, at the bar before the game there was a 6'4'', 300 lb white guy that was rocking a ND Harangody jersey...with no shirt underneath....a big leprechaun hat on his head...and he had one of those tall beer tubes all to himself while he continually yelled, "Gooooooody! Gooooooooody!". He was an ELITE example of ND retarded white trash.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...what will be discussing tomorrow?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Drew...how sure are you that it wasn't Gody himself?

GMoney said...

Iceman, it had to have been Hudda Gerken.

Drew, Matt Hayes. Get your pitchfork ready.

Anonymous said...

G$...That's a dumb topic.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Tigers move to 4-0. 162-0 here we come.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That's a dumb topic.
--I know, I felt dirty being on your side, too.

Did you have something else in mind???

Anonymous said...

No. You're the boss man.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Then stop trolling for free previews.