Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Creative title, right? You will also notice that my post was up in time for Grumpy's 5AM trip to McDonald's for coffee and conversations about hating young people, agriculture and peanut brittle. Alright assholes...here's the deal. It has been decided that a deathly plague infect my throat to the point where it feels like I'm swallowing glass shards covered in grenade shrapnel. TOO MUCH DICK SUCKIN I GUESS! LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!! Beat you to the cock joke, fucknuggets. So this is gonna be short and sweet. Like my pubes. And my basketball posts seem to be a crowd favorite so here we go.
-Never before has such a wise choice been made by a young black man. Trey Burke returning to Michigan was the only move he could have made if he ever wanted to do more than Darius Morris. Honestly he needs to play two more years but we all know next year he'll be looking at those NBA dollars like there's a white girl's pussy on the front instead of a dead President. I wonder what Morris is doing these days. Probably Kobe's dirty undies or anal for grocery money. I will never, no matter how eloquently it's explained to me, understand why Morris left early. What quack told him he was a definite first round draft pick? Was it Shooter from Hoosiers after getting balls deep in a gin bottle? That's top notch career ending advice by some moldy penis hole trying to get rich off of Morris' inability to think like a normal person. Enjoy eating Vaseline with Starbury in China next year.
-Jared Sullinger is set to become the next big Ohio bust in the NBA. I realize this is old news but it's such a puzzling move. I thought you were supposed to enter the draft when your stock was highest. His numbers don't suggest a drop off this year, but if you watched any Buckeye basketball you noticed an enormous difference in tubby's play. And we aren't NBA scouts. Honestly though...where the fuck do you put this guy at the next level? He's too small to play center and not quick enough to play power forward. Lord knows this fat little pigeon is too lard-assed to play a small forward. I don't see him doing what Kevin Love has done since Love is white and has had to work his milky fingers to the fuckin bone to excel in a black man's game. What I'm saying is that Sullinger is probably lazy because he's relied on his blackness to get him this far. And Love never did this gay shit. Sullinger reminds me of DeJuan Blair and I wouldn't be shocked if he were picked in the 2nd round.
-I get to hate DeShaun Thomas for another year. That's about as exciting as getting punched in the butthole. I want success for Thomas the same way G$ wants success for Daniel Tosh.
-Here's another reason to hate Mike and Mike. Yesterday morning Greenburg was quasi-defending Dwight Howard and saying how he is a really really really good guy, just a little immature. I'm surprised Greenburg could get his headset on this morning you know...considering both of his hands are usually lodged firmly in his pussy. I'm sure SVG echoes the same sentiments, you fuckin fairy. This is why I wish I was able to get Detroit radio. Every morning I get this manure from pussy and the knuckle dragger when I could be getting actual hilarious radio from guys like Valenti and Foster. When I was traveling in Michigan today Valenti used the words "prison sexed". It almost made me forget he rabidly hates the Wolverines.
-Speaking of Kevin Love...how the fuck is this guy not in the lead for the MVP? The whole idea behind guys who don't play for playoff teams not being eligible for the MVP is such a dumb argument. That's fair...penalize a guy for getting drafted to a team of butt crust and sticking with them despite the owner's never ending quest to always draft in the top 5. You could actually argue Love deserves it MORE than guys on contenders. If you're stuck on a shitty teams with shitty players then it's pretty damn easy for the opponent to figure out how to win, right? Cork the stud and make the runny poop beat you. The fact that Love is able to impose his will on anyone he wishes despite being the best player on a pretty terrible team is way more impressive than Lebron lighting fuckers up with Bosh and Wade hand jobbing each other in the distance.
-Antoine Walker is retired...again. In other news, he's still fat, pathetic, broke and should be killing himself sometime in the near future. Keep an eye out for that breaking news alert on the bottom of ESPN Deportes...because no one cares about Twann enough to put him on ESPN or the deuce.
-Lamar Odom has left the Dallas Mavericks officially. Does anyone care? Yeah...didn't think so. He can go back to smashing handfuls of gummy bears while having gross sex with easily the dumpiest Kardashian out of the group. That disgusting whore makes any of those teen mom hookers look like a tasty option.
-Atlanta still sits in the 5th spot. Just keeping everyone updated. Indiana is currently the 3rd seed? Total mind blower. Is there a more boring NBA team than the Pacers? Christ, I would rather do house chores from sun up to sun down than watch this team. Here's a better question. Does anyone on that team even like Tyler Hansbrough? In my head the team takes turns fucking with him for no reason other than he is a titanic doucher. Last week I envisioned David West lining Hansbrough's jock with Icy Hot. This week I think someone will fish hook him with a poopy finger.
There you go, assholes. I just realized I haven't mocked Paul Pierce nearly enough and for that I sincerely apologize. But that will be for another week as I must now focus all my energy on not dying. Hopefully tomorrow it doesn't feel like I'm deep throating Peter North. Enjoy, fucksticks.