Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Where Will Our Beloved BBQ Angel Go Next...

How awesome would it be to watch Skip die?
After two straight days of trying to wrap my head around why a 36 year old QB would want to play his final days with Willis McGahee, Knowshon Moreno, Eric Decker, and the other guy, I think I finally understand why Peyton Manning chose Denver. I have seen the light. It’s actually quite simple. The Rocky Mountains are the only thing in America that can block harmful UV rays from his gigantic forehead. That’s it, right?

I mean, if Ryan Clark can’t play up in that altitude due to his blood AIDS, then what exactly is different with Peyton’s neck AIDS??? These are the questions that us simple Americans need answered, dammit!

Also, on Monday, Demetrius opened their radio show by saying that Peyton going to Denver was almost exactly the same thing as LeBron going to Miami. I swear to Christ, Anthony Rothman has the worst job ever. How can he work with that mental defective who seriously knows NOTHING about sports? Even the jizz moppers that work for Ide’s Uncle feel bad for Rothman.

But enough about Peyton—if you want to hear/read more about this boring story, just turn on ESPN for 30 seconds and you will want to fill your ears with molten lava. We need to talk about the fallout from this; that being where does this leave our boy, Tim Tebow? He’s got to go. It isn’t fair to ask him to sit around and be a backup after what he did last season. By the way, does anyone want to bet that Peyton never wins more playoff games for Denver than Timmy Tens? Because he won’t…FACT(?)!

So where will the initiator of RibFest end up? Is there any market for him anyway? Could Elway even get a 4th rounder for him? Is Tenor even open to the idea of being an H-Back or a jack of all trades? Would Double T be willing to circumcise Skip Bayless, miss, and cut off his head for the good of the nation? These are important questions, people!!! Tim Tenor needs to stay in the forefront and continue his greatness regardless of fairly poor play! Football needs Tebow! Below, I have listed (IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) the five most likely/intriguing destinations for ya boy.

5. New England – They don’t need him at all and taking Brady off of the field for a gimmick package is so dumb fo real but you know damn well that The Hoodie is considering it. After all, he has grown to be a terrible talent evaluator recently. People keep mentioning the Patriots as TT’s next team yet no one really says why that makes any sense.

4. Miami – The Iceman’s older broseph is a Dolphins fan so I’m quite sure that he would love to see this play out. Miami has had one of the worst offseasons of all time and need some positive publicity after deciding on a QB poo poo platter of Matt Moore and David Garrard. Plus, their stadium always looks half full and they could sell some tickets. Trading Brandon Marshall for nothing sort of signals that they are giving up on the forward pass anyway.

3. Jacksonville – Blah, blah, blah…I don’t even know if Tebow could make the Jags relevant. And if he does go there and sells a fuckload of tickets, then what becomes of those world famous Jacksonville section tarps? Won’t someone think of those tarps!!!

2. Philadelphia – This seems like something that a shit heel like Andy Reid and his boyfriend Marty would want to do and it kind of makes sense actually. Instead of Vick taking hits on the goalline, just have Tens take them. A redzone backfield of Shady, Rape Stand, and Jesusback would pretty amazing. Yet Andy Reid would still fuck it up. And let’s not forget how awesome it would be to see Tenor deal with Philly fans and the East coast media.

1. Cleveland – I’m dead serious and all the reasons I stated for why they should have went after RG3 apply here as well. There is not one person on the planet that wants to watch the Cleveland Browns play football or has any opinion on them whatsoever. In an offseason where the fans demanded some playmakers or ANYTHING actually, they have given you Frostee Rucker. ENJOY! Here are my 6 big reasons for why the Browns should go get Tim Tebow (other than it not costing more than a pick that you would waste anyway):
*Colt McCoy fucking sucks. Much has been said about Tebow shortcomings, but he’s still better than Colt.
*This team has no identity or offensive philosophy anyway. To argue differently is foolish. At least this would stop them from drafting wide receivers that can’t get open.
*The brilliant offensive minds of Brad Childress and Pat Shurmur are just what Tenor needs!!!
*If the front office is too cheap to match a 3 year/24 million dollar deal for Matt Flynn then who are they fucking waiting for???
*Trade for Tenor. Draft Trent Richardson at 4. Draft Mike Adams or another hoss at 22. Throw zero passes. Play 2 hour and 15 minute games. DOMINATE!!!
*Let’s face facts here: TIM TEBOW OWNS THE STEELERS!

Why is it easy as shit for me to come up with some sort of offseason plan for the Browns yet those paid to do that apparently have not been to the office since December? That franchise blows. They need Tebow, dammit. Oh, one more thing, the other day The Common Man was talking about what the 49ers might do should Alex Smith sign elsewhere. With what would be left out there (VY, McNabb), they would pretty much have to beg Favre to come back, right? That would be hilarious. In conclusion, much like Jesus Christ, TENOR WILL RISE AGAIN!

51 comments:

Eb said...

I like Tim Tebow and I like the Browns. I like the smell of what your cooking!

Forgive me and my poor reading habbits, but tell me where the Tim Tennor and other references to the TT stem from.

Frostee

In 2011, Rucker had 44 tackles and 4 sacks. He also led all defensive ends in stops per snap percentage. MONEYBALL! I sat in one of the Defensive Line Meetings when Frostee Rucker was a Rookie in Cincinnati. He was pretty quiet and I am sure he was on the gain weight list.

Bengals let Justin SMith go and he has had great years as of late...Hopefully here come the Snowman!

Grumpy said...

Brilliant! Cribbs and Tenor running the Wildcat every down. No defense for that.

GMoney said...

Eb, apparently, when you type Tebow into an iPad, it auto-corrects it to "Tenor". That moniker has stuck and we all enjoy it.

I forgot about Cribbs! Great point! The Browns with a backfield of Tenor, Richardson, and Cribbs would be unstoppable!!!

One more thing about Peyton: 96 fucking million! I guess all of that talk about how money didn't matter and things were going to be incentive-based were bullshit, huh? This contract might rival Haynesworths. Just kidding, nothing will ever out-LOL that monstrosity.

Anonymous said...

G$...don't make yourself look stupid by saying things like "$96 Million!". You know that almost zero big NFL contracts pay out their full amount. It's all about the guarantees. Come on son..save comments like those for the ignorant ones.

I'm so confident that Tebow won't get traded to the Browns...that if he does...I will have sex with new commentor Eb.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh...and I found it funny yesterday when people were comparing Cris Carter's stats to Hines Ward's stats. Carter's stats shit on the Maternity Ward. Grump's gonna be waiting a looooooooooooong time for that HOF Induction.

--Drew

MuDawgfan said...

Carter and Tim Brown's stats are both better, but Ward has the unique distinction of being one of two players to have 1000 catches, win multiple superbowls and be named SB MVP. The other is Jerry Rice - ELITE company.

How bout this shit? Four Ohio Teams in the Sweet 16 and I don't give a shit about any of them. I'm calling all over town trying to find a bar that will show the Miami Hockey NCAA game and the responses are as follows:

"Sorry Brah - OU is renting out this bar, I'd recommend going someplace else broseph!"

or

"I regret to inform you sir, but we'll be showing the Xavier game. The men and women of the long blue line will be happily enjoying the game at our establishment"


FUCK

Grumpy said...

Miami Hockey at my house dude.

Drew is contemplating cheating on Dut? Cat fight.

GMoney said...

If he passes a physical next March, 58 million becomes guaranteed. INSANE.

Drew, Eb is a grizzly bear of a man (right up your alley). Out of all of us (EXCEPT ME!!!), he probably knows the most about football, too.

Yes, I know that there is a very slim chance that Holmgren will even pick up the phone and call Elway due to his sausage fingers and hatred of doing actual work, but it's a nice thought.

Mr. Ace said...

Figured everybody would enjoy some more TWD Lori hate. http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2012/03/everyone-hates-lori-from-the-walking-dead#page/1

G$, I think the incentive-based contract was only for the Colts. Why would somebody want to stay in Indy so bad?

Drew, you don't think Pey Pey will live out the entirety of that contract? I think he will be getting that 96 mil.

Tebow is going to Jacksonville.

GMoney said...

The fact that Elway is even willing to pay a guy coming off of four neck surgeries 96 million is ridic.

Why would the Jags even want Tenor with their already rock solid QB duo of Blaine Gabbart and Chad Henne (over 6 million for 2 years!!!)?

Anonymous said...

Ape...most of those contracts never reach the full amount because they include incentives that most likely won't be met.

But, no...I do not think the Broncos will be paying him $ 18M a year when he's 40 or 41. That's a for sure restructure.

--Drew

GMoney said...

We better beat whatever UMass-Lowell is on Friday night. I'll actually be in Oxford on Saturday to hopefully celebrate another trip back to the Frozen Four.

Drew, what are you trying to say here? Do you think that this will work out well for the Broncos? What is he worth? Will he do the dip? You are sending mixed signals.

Anonymous said...

Wow, the Big Ten seems to be riddled with faggot perverts. Wisconsin now, huh?

Ide

GMoney said...

Hey Ape, how the fuck did your Eagles steal DeMeco Ryans from Houston for just a 4th round pick? That guy is a tackling machine. Was he hurt or something because he is worth at least a 2nd rounder.

Anonymous said...

Ide...that story broke like two months ago.

College hockey guys...if you are at home there has to be some streaming way on the internet to get it...or you can shack up with Grumpy adn his wife it seems.

G$....I'll break it down in bullet-points...

*$ 18M for Peyton this year is a good deal. That is what ELITE QB's make.

* $ 58M if he passes physical next March does seem a bit high. But, when you take away this year's $ 18M...it's only $ 40M. Still high...but, then again they are paying him $ 20M which IF he's healthy (passes physical) that's about what he should make.

*So, that's three years of Peyton for $ 58M...really not that crazy. I do think he will get cut again after those three years though...cuz' they won't pay 40/41 year old Peyton those wages.

*So, I look at it as a 3yr deal for $ 58M....not $ 96M.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I think Manning goes the full contract, also. If Favretard can play well at 40 and dickless then so can Manning. Plus there's some sort of fail-safe in that contract that says that Denver can terminate it if Manning has any neck issues moving forward...or something like that. That's what John Clayton told me in his mouse voice.

Does anyone else miss the awkward yet fierce battles between Clayton and Salisbury? Fuck...I do.


Cris Carter, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Andre Reed, Marvin Harrison, James Lofton, Torry Holt will all be in before Ward...so get comfortable. It's gonna be awhile.

Timothy Tens goes to the Browns this year and I'll fuckin vomit blood. I don't care if we got him for free...we already have enough QBs that can't throw. We also have WRs that can't catch, why would you make things harder by bringing in a QB less accurate than a 12 year old?

Brady said...

I have rooted for the Browns all of my life (thanks dad). I've dealt with a moving franchise, wasted first picks, staph infections, revolving coaching carousel's and too many 4-12 record's to count. That being said, I'm still looking forward to next year... unless some retard in the front office thinks this is a good idea.

Fuck Tim Tenor. He is a glorified running back. The dude can't throw, can't read a defense and thumps bibles all day long. McCoy may suck but he is still a QB to some extent. The last thing this team needs is to regress to another gimmick that delays the team reaching something that resembles a competent offense.

I don't think Heckert would ever let this happen so I'm not too worried. However, the fact it is even being discussed is troubling enough.

The Iceman said...

"However, the fact it is even being discussed is troubling enough."


No fucking shit. Doesn't this just feel like a Browns move?

This just in: The Jets are now interested in Tenor of Nazareth. Further proving Rex Ryan is a complete fucking idiot.

Brady said...

If Mangini and Savage were still in charge I would be on the turnpike already with a torch and pitchfork. They would be all over this type of bullshit. I really do think Heckert is a good GM so I'm not too concerned.

Take Richardson or Blackmon at 4 then grab another offensive playmaker at 22. This team needs difference makers is the worst way.

Prime99 said...

I saw Skip and Stephen A arguing about Tenor this morning. I almost Cobained myself but instead decided to turn off the TV. Both of those guys should be executed publicly like William Wallace. We would the ones screaming for freedom from their terrible banter.

Tenor to the Jags is a no-brainer, which is why it won't happen.

GMoney said...

Colt McCoy is not a QB, he is a punching bag. At least Tenor would give CBS a reason to televise your games.

Drew, still, 20 million a year is still pretty high for an old guy that probably won't even be close to the same cat that he used to be.

But at least all of this Broncos shit overshadowed the retirement of the biggest cocksucker to ever play football.

Anonymous said...

LeSean McCoy apparently just guaranteed a championship for the Eagles this season. Brilliant.

How can the Jets think bringing in Tebow is smart? I honestly think Tebow would consider quitting football instead of playing with Rex Ryan, Santonio, Bart Scott, etc. I doubt the bible thumper would enjoy being cussed out by an obese ass-hole who films foot fetish videos of his wife and puts them on the internet.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

"I almost Cobained myself."

/gives 5 minute standing ovation.

Question, G$: Was paying Favretard 20 mil in Minny worth it? (gratuitous cock shots AND NFC Championship game)

Question 2: Is Manning 10 times the QB that Favretard was?

I think the answer to both those questions is yes. Manning is worth the money.

Team Drew/Iceman = ELITE.

The Iceman said...

Speaking of cock shots, is Peyton Manning the most unlikely professional athlete to have home made porn? I'd like to hear suggestions of other candidates. It just feels like the entire Manning family are never-nudes and shower with swimming trunks on.

Grumpy said...

Breaking news: Sean Peyton suspended for entire season without pay.

Prime99 said...

Umm... Tim Tenor? No chance for. Tebow porn set to "All I Do Is Win"- though it would be funny

Grumpy said...

Payton. Too many Peyton/Payton's making news.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE let Hard Knocks come back to the Jets. PLEASE!

Ide

GMoney said...

Fucking WOW...that was an eventful lunch hour.

I'm starting to agree with James Harrison. Roger Goodell is a faggot. Way to completely destroy the Saints, ginger.

Tenor to the Jets, eh? I look forward to Fireman Ed booing Sanchez after every incompletion and then Sanchise killing himself. If you thought that Linsanity was bad, just wait until Tenor takes over (will happen by week 10).

I might be wrong on this, but I don't believe that the Vikings signed Favre to that deal as he was still on his last contract from the Packers in NY and MIN (the first year). Plus, those Vikings teams had legit Super Bowl quality talent that needed someone better than Tarvaris to get them a ring. So it really isn't similar at all since everyone knows that this Broncos team is average at best right now. You lost again.

GMoney said...

Goodell probably suspended Payton because Sean wouldn't tell him where the entrance to underground sex dungeon on Bourbon Street was located. That is totes justifiable.

Brady said...

Holy shit! The whole year? Give the ginger a little power and he goes crazy. HOw much do you want to bet he never got laid in high school/college and that's why he's pounding his chest now. It's not the NFL's fault that you spent Friday nights watching TV with the rents Roger!

Brady said...

What's the line on Roger dying a fiery voodoo death in the next couple weeks? I'm putting it at even money.

GMoney said...

Brady, that is the best idea that you've ever had.

Does anyone actually think that Goodell is doing a good job??? I'm pumped that the Redskins and Cowboys are taking the NFL to court over that bullshit salary cap penalty. Someone needs to knock that faggot down a peg or 12.

Anonymous said...

I think the Saints suspensions are fair and spot on. They are the epitome of Lack Of Instituional Control. Remember that whole vicodin issue a couple years ago too? They consistenly think they are above the rules. They were warned to stop the program...they didn't...they lied too. Definitely fair.

Eb...sorry that I won't be fucking you.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think the Saints suspensions are fair and spot on. They are the epitome of Lack Of Instituional Control. Remember that whole vicodin issue a couple years ago too? They consistenly think they are above the rules. They were warned to stop the program...they didn't...they lied too. Definitely fair.

Eb...sorry that I won't be fucking you.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The NFL’s extensive investigation established the existence of an active bounty program on the Saints during the 2009, 2010, and 2011 seasons in violation of league rules, a deliberate effort to conceal the program’s existence from league investigators, and a clear determination to maintain the program despite express direction from Saints ownership that it stop as well as ongoing inquiries from the league office.

GMoney said...

By the way, from what I'm reading on the intertubes, RG3 is absolutely OWNING his Pro Day right now. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!!

The Iceman said...

The Jets released him and he was free to sign with anyone he wanted. That 20 mil contract the Vikes gave him was aaaaaaaall them.

The only argument you have as far as better talent goes is AP is better than any scab RB on the Broncos. The WR talent are equally average and unexciting. Plus Denver has a better defense. FACT.

It's TOTES the same thing and you're TOTES wrong.

Grumpy said...

Gregg Williams suspended indefinitely, leaving the Rams really screwed.

If I didn't already have the Sunday Ticket, I would buy it just to watch RG3.

The Iceman said...

"Cornerback Antonio Cromartie tweeted before the trade that "we don't need Tebow,"

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Off to a great start!

Anonymous said...

Reading about this bounty shit...holy fuck were they a bunch of retards. If they just stopped it, they would have gotten in no trouble. Instead they went out of their way to keep it going...lied to the NFL while doing it...all for millinonaires to get an extra $1-2K. Complete retards. They deserve everything they got.

They should name Brees player/head coach for a year.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman, what are you talking about? Favre made (base, no incentives) 12 million in 2009 and 13 million in 2010 which is pretty much Mark Sanchez/Sam Bradford money. That's league average (or close enough) for starting QBs. One more time, Peyton now and Favre then have ZERO similarities.

The Vikes Defense was better because Jared Allen went to Culinary Academy.

Am I crazy to want RG3 more than Luck? I hope that that goblin kills it on his Pro Day tomorrow so the Colts start thinking about my boy at 1.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will about Roger Goodell and his probable lack of sex in high school & college, but his wife (former Fox News anchor, Jane Skinner) is better looking than anyone you've ever slept with. The Saints deserve everything that's coming to them. Brees would be a fine player/coach option too.

Prime99 said...

Jets might not get Tenor- there is a hang up via re-capture language in the contract. Basically, the Jets would have to pay cash money to the Broncos. Might go to Rams? if the Jers deal falls through.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....nobody wants to play for Belein......

@mikerothstein: Evan Smotrycz, Carlton Brundidge, Colton Christian all decide to leave Michigan

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Evan Smotrycz, Carlton Brundidge, Colton Christian all decide to leave Michigan


So what you're telling me is that we just ditched 3 of our worst players?? This is turing out to be a pretty good day!

The Iceman said...

And they will have purged 3 white guys off the roster by the time next year comes around. Yeah! Darken up that program!

GMoney said...

This is hilarious. I stole it and am going to claim it as my own:

“Sean Payton gets the same length suspension as Donte Stallworth, who killed someone and went to jail.”

Sounds about right.

Anonymous said...

Da Bills sign Mark Anderson. Best DL in the NFL fo sho.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

In other news, it's been reported that the Jersey Shore is coming back for another season. A cracked out Situation and a preggers Snooki should be fun.

Ide

Brady said...

Did Roger Goodell just bitch slap me under the "Anonymnous" tag? Jane Skinner... whatevs. Those Fox news sluts are a dime a dozen. They probably grow them in a lab somewhere. Now if it was Crystal Eggert from the Weather Channel....

I really hope that the Jets get stuck with a $5 million bill for NOT READING all the terms and conditions of a contract. That is some ELITE lawyering right there.

The KSK Tebow/Nacho/Ryan post made me fucking lose it today.