Friday, March 23, 2012

"That's just a GANGSTA move right there"--Len Elmore

Obviously, Kyrie Irving has nothing to do with college basketball from last night or tonight, but today is his birthday. The young dynamo, that continually makes Iceman look like a schmuck, turns 20 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KYRIE!!! Daddy loves you!

I assume that last night’s action will carry through the day today but, just in case all four games were uneventful turds, let me give you some additional topics. We are down to 16 teams and thus four regional sites. It isn’t tricky math to figure out that that leaves us with 4 announce teams as well. To lead us into the weekend, I am going to judge those four groupings today.

The #1 Team – Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg. I’ve mentioned numerous times how creepy Nantz is but, in reality, he is a perfectly acceptable play-by-play guy. He doesn’t make the game about him and displays the correct amount of emotion. Nantz is just rock solid. Kellogg, on the other hand, makes me long for the days of Billy Packer. Special K is just horrible. He can’t speak English, makes up the most random shit, and his catchphrases or whatever those are make about as much sense as a see-through toilet. I’m really not sure how Clark got this gig since he is very unqualified. It might rhyme with Blaffirmative Blaction though (RAYCESS!!!).

The #2 Team – Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery. These old-timers just seem to get better as the years go by. I think that what makes them so entertaining is that you can tell that they genuinely like each other (the exact opposite dynamic of Nantz and Phil Simms). Apparently, Raftery still goes out drinking at pubs until all hours of the night. ONIONS! It is going to be a sad day when this duo retires. I’m not afraid to admit it: I love Verne Lundquist.

The #3 Team – Marv Albert and Steve Kerr. Now, we all know that college hoops are not their specialty, but they still do a good job. Kerr knows his shit and Marv’s voice is perfect for any level of basketball. Let’s be honest, CBS’s top three teams are pretty damn good.

The #4 Team – Kevin Harlan, Len Elmore, and Reggie Miller. Harlan is top notch. He’s got a distinct voice and his phrases like “RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES” are special. He is no Gus Johnson, but Harlan is still enjoyable. His partners though…yeeeeesh. I have no idea what has gotten into Len Elmore this year. He usually bores me to sleep because he has no personality whatsoever. This year he appears to be trying out the same “jive” schtick that is working out so well for Mark Schlereth. Go ahead; listen to him, Len’s going to get all urban on your ass! I’ve hated Reggie for a long time. He doesn’t know anything. He constantly screws up simple basketball clich├ęs (He had a full steam of head there, Marvelous!). He has at least 340 teeth in his mouth, too. The color commentary in this booth is just awful.

While he has nothing to do with CBS’s coverage of March Madness, I would also like to give a big FUCK YOU to the asshole who people still like to defend for some reason: Robert Montgomery Knight. We all know about how much he hates one-and-dones. He has a point and all considering that it is a stupid rule, but his childish demeanor and actions pretty much negate that point. In case you are unaware, Knight will not say “Kentucky” or reference Calipari in any interviews or TV appearances that he does. Instead, he calls them “Wildcats” or “the team from the SEC”. Dude, go fuck yourself. You are an analyst, not a critic. Sure, Calipari is as dirty as Seal’s underwear, but that isn’t your job. Bob Knight fucking sucks.  Grow up, old man.

So let’s keep talking hoops today, shall we? Were the games good? Did Yancy Gates get arrested? Did Marquette and Florida combine for 250 points? Is everyone on board for the fantasy baseball draft Sunday at 3 pm? GO TARHEELS!

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

Go Tarheels! Do UNC fans root for Duke? Fuck no. Do Auburn fans root for Bama? Fuck no. You don't root for your hated rivals, ever. It warms my heart that G$ gets that and will carry on when I'm gone. I learned my first day on campus in Sept., 1865 that OU sucks. Good for the conference my ass. I hope they get shut out.

In other matters, UMass-Lowell sucks too. ESPNU at 6:30 to watch them get taken down.

GMoney said...

I hope they get shut out...YES!!! Underdog or not, I hope that Athens gets over-run by those creatures from Tremors.

Wisconsin/Syracuse was a pretty ELITE game, no?

Fuck Mick Cronin. Thanks for wasting everyone's time by fouling with over 3 minutes left, dwarf.

Cuse/Fuckeyes should be a good one tomorrow night though.

Sparty and L'ville somehow managed to play a game even more boring than I possibly imagined (and I thought that it would be horrible anyway). Will anyone watch Florida/Restaurant Abortions? That sounds dreadful.

I like UNC, UK, Baylor, and in an upset give me NC State.

GO REDHAWK HOCKEY!!!

MuDawgfan said...

It's downright weird that Nantz is so very good at college basketball, but the cheesiest cornass ever when the Masters rolls around. I swear, he's kissing ass in hopes of getting an invite to join Augusta National.

You could put Verne Lundquist with Snooki as a broadcast team I'd still tune in. The man just kills it on SEC on CBS for college football and does an awesome job at Augusta and during the NCAA's. I swear, he's going to work till he's 90 years old, laughing and doing an awesome job the whole time. Love him.

Anonymous said...

The Buckeyes are in the ELITE 8!

Aaron Craft's defense was ELITE last night!

Deshan Buckets Thomas buckets making ability was ELITE last night!

Jared Sullinger showed why he is ELITE compared to Yancy Gates.

Clark Kellogg is great...go fuck yaself.

The Wisconsin/Cuse game last night was ELITE, but Bo Ryan shit down his leg a couple times to blow it.

MSU was turrible.

As of this morning I'm firmly on TEAM G$ in regards to Fuck Jim Boeheim.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

All the shit you talked about Bob Knight was fucking ELITE! I hate that asshole.

I will also be rooting AGAINST OU tonight, as their students/fans are the biggest dbag fan base out there. They will return to irrelvancy tonight, and think they are cool because of their stupid halloween party.

Rick Pitino owned Tom Izzo last night. He is a bad ass.

UK better get some revenge tonight as win by 25.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Bob Knight is cool. ESPN knows they hired a character when they hired Bob Knight and that's why he's allowed to do that shit. He's not a normal analyst. Just like Sir Charles.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, have you seen that cell phone commercial where the teenage girl calls up her boyfriend to let him know that she is giving him the silent treatment? That ad shows more maturity than Bob Knight when it comes to his feelings on Kentucky. He is a crotchety old buttfucker that I hope lives forever because I don't want to ever see the weeklong tribute videos dedicated to America's favorite bully. BOOM!

Easy on all of those ELITEs. That is not a word that is thrown around lightly, son.

Clark Kellogg is the worst. You are wrong.

My wife is sexually attracted to Verne Lundquist. At least that is what I told her last night. She didn't disagree though.

GMoney said...

And Ghetto-fied Len Elmore makes "Urban Mark Schlereth" look like a member of the Wu Tang Clan. I would love to see Stink associated with Wu Tang by the way.

Anonymous said...

Verne and Raft are the best. They make every game enjoyable. Especially when it is your team dominating. I still don't know what "lingerie on the deck" means but I laugh every time Raft says it.

I used to not mind Len Elmore, but he has definitely turned to shit the last couple years.

We need Will Buford to get his head out of his ass if we are going to beat Cuse. That was awful last night.

-Damma

Anonymous said...

G$...Everyone knows Calipari is a cheat except for Seal, amirite? I would MUCH rather listen to Knight basically say that by not saying the name of Kentucky than listening to Dick Vitale give his Italian buddy a blowjob on the air and act like Calipari is the greatest guy/coach in the world. THAT is why I like it.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Damman...Buford has to be the worst Sweet 16 player in the history of college basketball. He was every bit as bad last night as he was against Kentucky last year. Hopefully, he's better in ELITE 8's.

--Drew

GMoney said...

"lingerie on the deck" = faking out of one's jock...at least I think that's what Raftery means

Who else got a semi from Snooki's see-through shirt last night? Hello? Is this mic on?

The Iceman said...

I could listen to Raftery talk about dress shopping and tampons. That dude is fucking magic on the microphone.

"THE BIG FELLA! SERVIN IT UP ON A PLATTER!!"

He's the best when it comes to hoops. Period.

I watched the Magic Johnson AIDS 30 for 30 that I had recorded late last night. Pretty good if you guys haven't seen it. Lotta homo stuff goin on in there. I like how AIDS made Magic swell up like a balloon.

Anonymous said...

How is Bob Knight refusing to call Kentucky by its government name much different that Brady Hoke refusing to call Ohio State by its name?

Aside from UC's huge run to start the 2nd half, Ohio State played ELITE last night. However, Billy Buford needs to quit playing like a bitch. Even Craft is turning into an offensive threat, but Buford (whom all the analysts still call a great shooter for some reason) is just a waste of possessions. It seems like it takes 30 fucking minutes for him to realize a game is being played.

I like how OSU matches up againt 'Cuse, but that zone could give us fits. Look for Thomas and Buford to be roaming the soft spot of the zone around the foul line all night. If either can hit some turnaround jumpers from there with regularity, OSU will be in good shape, but if we have a ton of trouble getting it inside like Wisconsin did, then Ohio State will shoot about 30% and 'Cuse will roll due to its transition offense. I like OSU's ball movement much better than Wisconsin, though, so I look for Ohio State to win a close one.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

You won't beat Bernie Fine if Buford isn't hot. How about Bernie Fine's school beating that pedo-AD from Wisconsin (or whatever his job title was)? ELITE!

Li'l Strut sent me a text this morning inviting me to lunch somewhere up in NW Ohio today and then said it was not intended for me. ASSHOLE! I'm coming anyway!

Brady Hoke "pokes the bear" on purpose to ignite a rivalry. Bob Knight has nothing to do with anything anymore. It is not the same.

By the way, this is fucking awesome. The officials for tonight's Miami/Mass-Lowell hockey game are from the WCHA. Why does this matter at all? One of the officials from that conference is Max Battimo. Who is Max Battimo? Oh, no one in particular, just THE SAME GUY THAT PLAYED MIKEY ON THE MISS BLISS ERA EPISODES OF SAVED BY THE BELL!!! He went from child actor to college hockey ref! That is freaking awesome on just about every level. I hope that we get him tonight. That has to be a good sign.

Max Battimo...what an obscure reference.

Anonymous said...

haha...Joba's career might be over due to a terribel ankle injury that he just got from jumping on a trampoline with his son. Dumbass.

Forgot to mention that that fly by camera angle that CBS was trying to use yesterday was atrocious...couldn't see shit.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I'm not sure I've ever cared less about a tournament. Congrats to OSU fans. I'll cheer for you over Syracuse assuming there are no child molesters on your team.

Bears get Michael Bush. That's cool but I can't help feeling bad for Forte. Pay the man!

Thursdays without Ron Swanson do not feel right. There is an after dinner omelette size hole in my heart this morning.

Anonymous said...

G$,

If you want to drive the 2-2.5 hours to have lunch with me at a small pizza place or a walk-up burger joint, I would love to have you. Unfortunately, though, I feel you have much more important things to do (fleshlight?).

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Austin Rivers is going pro. What a retard...he TOTES needed another year and there is no financial reason for him to go.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, much like Trey Burke, weak point guard draft. And who cares, this makes Duke worse.

Those cameras were horrendous.

Why oh why would Joba buy Krusty's evil trampoline???

Anonymous said...

At least for Austin Rivers, you would hope he had competent advice around him about his prospects, unlike many guys who leave early.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Hope you enjoyed your last year with Forte, Prime. If I were him I would GTFO. He handled this contract extension like a man and also the way it was supposed to be handled. Proved on the field he was worth every cent he wanted and has yet to receive anything. All the Bears did was just fuck him around, then went out and signed ANOTHER running back. Forte is a top 5 NFL RB and I have no fucking clue why Chicago is dragging their feet on this one.

The Iceman said...

I think Stern should make it a rule that players have to be 2, maybe even 3 years removed from High School to be eligible for the NBA draft. I say this not because I'm one of those "kids should stay and get a degree" people but this will make the NBA product so much better.

Prime99 said...

I agree with you, Iceman. I don't know why they are fucking with Forte. They should be on his doorstep with $21 million and a Kate Upton hummer yesterday to hope to retain him long term.

GMoney said...

Demetrius is dropping quality insight on last night's game RIGHT NOW, people!!!

GMoney said...

If you want to be filled with murderous rage, read the "OU Fan" post over at Deadspin. That guy is the douchiest douche to ever douche. GO HEELS!!!