Friday, March 02, 2012

More Like "Pyramid Of Suck-Ass", Right!

Honor: If you need it defined, you don't have it.--RonSwan
Now that we have successfully navigated through the post-Super Bowl barren wasteland known as “February”, it’s time to shift focus on all of the good stuff that March gives us. Obviously, we must start with the greatness of March Madness which leads the league in “most days called off from work”. I know that I haven’t worked on the opening Thursday and Friday in over 6 years and I never plan to. March rules. But you know who will not be enjoying March Madness unless he REALLY likes the collegeinsider.com tournament? Ben Howland.

Sports Illustrated’s favorite hack journalist, George Dohrmann, was out in LA for the past few months trying to figure out what the hell has happened to the now steaming shit heap once referred to as UCLA. Most of us have already probably forgotten that this was perhaps the best program in the country five years ago. So what the hell happened? I copied and pasted my favorite parts of Dohrmann’s expose into the Bruins.

Howland seemed obsessed with the temperature in the film room. If it was not exactly 76ยบ a student manager was certain to feel Howland's wrath. The water bottles handed to him had to be just cold enough and not too large.
--What a fucking dork. HOW DARE YOU BRING ME SUCH A BIG BOTTLE, FAGGOT!

In a game during the 2007-08 season, several players on the bench noted Howland's frustration with the shot selection of Westbrook, whose freelancing had resulted in several baskets. But rather than substituting for him, Howland informed one of the officials that Westbrook was wearing socks bearing an NBA logo, which violated NCAA uniform guidelines. Howland told the official he had an obligation to remove Westbrook from the game because of his socks.
--Is this the most cocksucker-est move to ever suck cock? Is Howland THAT afraid of an 18 year old kid? When I was a terrible freshman basketball player, one of my idiot teammates (RC8) tried to wear one knee-high blue sock and one knee-high white sock. Our asshole coach almost murdered him right there in Bedford, MI. It isn’t that hard, Coach Howland, be a fucking man.

There were nights out with current and former NBA players, television stars and models. One evening the partying started at the Beverly Hills mansion of a wealthy UCLA fan. The Bruins were then chauffeured in a Rolls-Royce to a West Hollywood club, where several players were ushered past a long line of people and given VIP treatment at a table in the back.
--Uh oh, there is no chance that these activities were within NCAA guidelines. So, of course, this will be the only mention by Dohrmann. What a stack of semen. Dive deeper into this stuff, dammit!

Anderson, Gordon and Morgan, by contrast, took advantage of the freedom of being in college and did what many freshmen do. They partied. The trio regularly drank alcohol and smoked marijuana, sometimes before practice, according to multiple teammates.
--Awesome. Drunk basketball is actually pretty fun. I hear that they have a great game of High Hoops in the alley behind Hounddog’s. Boom.

Drew Gordon often disrupted practices and during one session set an illegal screen on Collison that so angered Collison that the two had to be separated. One player sensed that Howland was waiting for things to work themselves out; others say they felt that Howland was reluctant to discipline the freshmen out of trepidation that the best of them would transfer or leave early for the NBA.
--This is great. Who cares if he is purposely trying to hurt my starting PG and best player? WE NEED HIS 11 MINUTES PER GAME MORE! The idea that Howland wanted to keep this assfucker around LA despite being an awful teammate is fantastic.

Three members of the team, not all of them freshmen, ignored Howland's orders and attended a giant rave at the Los Angeles Sports Arena. "We did what you do at a rave: We took Ecstasy," says one of the players. The trio did not get back to Westwood until between 4 and 5 a.m. and barely slept before arriving at Pauley Pavilion for an 8 a.m. practice. The players bragged about their night to teammates and commented on how they were still feeling the effects of the Ecstasy.
--This just keeps getting better. These guys make OJ Mayo look like AC Green. In case you were unaware, AC Green remained a virgin well into his 40’s even though he was a millionaire NBA player.  AC Green is a fucking weirdo.

The manager had mentioned to an assistant coach that some players drank and smoked marijuana too often during the season and that they needed to get more serious for UCLA to improve. Howland told the manager that he needed to know who those players were and exactly what they were doing. The manager refused to name names, so Howland told the manager that if he didn't tell him, he would be terminated.
--So then the manager ratted out the players and Howland fired him anyway. Classic dickhead TV cop move.

After what happened between Moser and Nelson, one player says that Howland jokingly remarked to him that Howland had been wanting to hit Freshman Reeves Nelson for weeks.
--Bob Knight gives a standing ovation to this. I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Teenagers should be getting punched in the face every week.

Nelson often reacted to hard fouls or calls against him in practice by committing violent acts against teammates. He did not deny to SI that he would stalk his targets, even running across the court, away from a play, to hit someone.
--Terrific, what a guy (who is apparently white!). There is a lot of honor and pride involved in purposely injuring FOUR of your teammates in one season.

He was a classic bully, targeting teammates who weren't as athletically gifted as he and tormenting the support staff. At the end of practice, he would punt balls high up into the stands at Pauley Pavilion, turn to the student managers and say, "Fetch."
--Ah yes, we in the bullying business call this “The Biff Tannen”. Seriously though, Reeves Nelson deserves to die.

The message some players took from Drew Gordon's departure was this: At UCLA you could fight, you could drink alcohol and do drugs to the point that it affected your performance, but the one thing you could not do was question Howland's knowledge of the game.
--Is that really a surprise? That was pretty much the slogan for the Bob Huggins Era UC Bearcats.  These guys are all egomaniacs. Howland is no different from Coach K or Soulja Roy or Pimp Calipari.

Eh, whatever. This sort of fell flat for me. I wanted it to be like The U when in reality, it was just a huge example of a guy who had it all and quickly lost control of his program. College kids are stupid and do dumb things. Most of them are also assholes. This is nothing really new or earth-shattering (albeit hilarious). And after Dohrmann’s awful attempt at bringing down the Ohio Buckeyes, he is probably making most of this shit up anyway. The one thing that this article made me realize is that I should spend more time trying to hurt my commenters. And, yes, Howland should be fired.  See you Monday...hopefully I feel better.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hack article by hack Dohrmann. He's on my snipe list.

I'd like to do ecstasy and go to a rave, but I fear that I have missed my window on going to one of those events.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

John Wooden is rolling in his grave. I played against Wooden in high school. Kind of a trash talker.

GMoney said...

Wait--that can't be right. Are you trying to be a joke maker, Grump? I mean, Wooden was 99 when he died and you've got to be close to that and all, but this feels like a lie. Eat shit. Enjoy Charlie's last home game tonight.

Drew, raves have always been gay. If you want me to shove some glow sticks up your ass, I will humbly do so.

I don't think that it's a hack article, but I think that this guy believes that his stuff carries more weight than it does. Punting balls into the upper deck is not something that should be dwelled upon. Players getting rides around in LA in Rolls Royces is.

This is a perfect example of why recruiting is more than just hoarding talent though.

MUDawgfan said...

Not too much in this article really. If he wants to get things cleaned up, just go out and recruit Shaq, Penny Hardaway and some redneck fucker from Indiana.

Get the weathly boosters to take care of the rest - Blue Chips had it down pat man.

GMoney said...

MATT NOVER, Dawg, Matt Fucking Nover.

What the hell? Do people want more baseball talk or something.

The Iceman said...

Nick Nolte is an ELITE recruiter.

I haven't cared about UCLA basketball since the O'Bannon brothers.

GMoney said...

Programming Note!

G$ is writing all of next week since Iceman will be in Jacksonville combing Blaine Gabbert's hair or whatever. I am not pleased with my five day work week at all but I accept it.

Also, the site will probably be running dark on 3/15 and 16 (thurs and Fri) due to the tournament and me being in New Orleans throwing up mass quantities of hurricanes.

There you go.

Justin Verlander said...

We want more NASCAR and big game hunting talk.

The Iceman said...

I'm actually going to Jacksonville to give MJD a long overdue blow J for carrying me to a fantasy football championship this year.

Anonymous said...

Steelers release Farrior and Aaron Smith.

Grumpy's world is crumbling.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Steelers making a youth movement! Mike Tomlin is still overrated.

Brady said...

I hope at least half of this is true. What a clusterfuck! I'm sure the media will "forget" about this story soon and start leading with their latest rehashed Ohio St. tattoo story though.

The Iceman said...

Here we go again. Jesus Christ, Brady. Give it a rest already. We get it. Ohio is a tortured institution that is the victim of yellow journalism built on a foundation of slander and libel. Ohio has never done anything egregious and the penalties inflicted upon them are unjust in every sense of the word. I just want to punch you sometimes.

Grumpy said...

Farrior and Smith are old news. Age caught up with Farrior and Smith, while a stud at DE, has only played 6 games in the last 2 yrs. Heyward, McClendon, Sylvester all ready to step in. No drop off.

Yeah, other than those three Super Bowl trips and two wins, Tomlin is overrated.

The Iceman said...

You mean other than a stacked roster of Pro Bowl players he had no part of aquiring? That team was made before he got there, Grumpy. All he has to do is make sure he doesn't wreck the car at 80mph.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...what are you doing to celebrate Roethilsberger's birthday today?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Probably raping a college girl in Georgia.

Brady said...

I'm glad you finally came around to my way of thinking Iceman. By the way, saying "Ohio" is still the gayest thing I can possibly think of. It doesn't upset anyone nor does it sound cool. Whatevs though. Keep it going.

Ecstasy, Raves, getting drunk and high before practice! This story has everything. All they need to do is throw in some abortions and sleezy donors and you get the Miami story. All that stuff still happened at Miami right? I haven't heard a lick about it.

Brady said...

Last night's Parks and Rec was a little disappointing. It kind of ruined my night.

GMoney said...

Brady, Ohio is hilarious because The Hokester started it with his classic pre-pubescent voice. "The Team Up North" is BEYOND retarded because, hey, we can read a map! I've said it before and I will continue until I die a delicious corpse:

If you don't like being called Ohio then you should stop doing the O-H bullshit. PWNED = U

The UCLA stuff is not really anything similar to Miami because it's pretty much just Howland having no control over complete shithead players that he should have never signed anyway. Last time I checked, it wasn't against rules to get drunk and as long as they pass their drug tests, then who fucking cares. They NCAA isn't and can't do much to them based on Dohrmann's story (other than the gloosed over blurb about Rolls Royce-riding). YOU SUCK.

Iceman, dude, you're wrong. Grump is right. Tomlin may not be an ELITE coach, but he is still in the top 6-7 in the league. He has been to two SBs in his 5 or so years as a coach. What is your point about "not being his players"? Who the fuck acquires their own players anymore as a head coach? That is so dumb. That argument works in college, not the pros.

I get it now. You and Brady were 69ing (probably scissoring actually) and ended up ejaculating Idiot Sauce into each other and thus have tied for worst comments of the day. Makes sense.

GMONEY RULES DA WORLD!!!

Grumpy said...

I'm celebrating Ben's birthday by having dinner with Ben and his lovely wife. Pics to follow.

Brady said...

I just puked a little in my mouth thinking about "scissoring" the Iceman.

Tomlin is a decent coach but most of their success goes to the front office, ownership and Dick Lebeau. I'm convinced you could put a monkey with a clipboard (raycess) on the sideline and it could get the Steelers to the playoffs.

I never have done the O-H-I-O chant in public. It only makes sense when you are at the game and the whole stadium does it.

Anonymous said...

Since when is being at a game not in the "public"?

Grumpy has probably poured himself a Landshark and is pleasuring himself to old Ben YouTube video highlights of his time at Miami.

--Drew

Brady said...

Damn it Drew! I thought we were on the same team. If you want to argue semantics let's just say "public" means the mall, a hotel or some other non-football related venue.

GMoney said...

I HAVE NEVER DONE O-H-I-O! Except for at a game of course. Kill yourself after you run a 7 second 40.

What is the deal with people not wanting to give credit to anyone? Tomlin, Ben, ELIte...it's like they have to apologize for being great at what they do.

If LeBeau and the FO and the Rooneys were so great then why did it take Bill Cowher eleventy billion years to win one Super Bowl?

Anonymous said...

The Saints are in big trouble with Goodell.

I should have put a bounty out for an Iceman knock out at Rib Fest.

--Drew

Brady said...

Obviously you don't do the whole O-H-I-O. Depending on where you are sitting, you only do 1 of them. The point I was trying to make is that I'm not one of those douchebags that yells out O-H in a crowd and gets all geeked out for a return I-O. Don't let your hate cloud your judgement G$.

5.5 second 40 is in the bag. No problem.