Friday, March 30, 2012

The Luckiest Blimp on the Face of the Earth

I don't care what my shirt says, I will NOT bowl on Shabbas.
It’s late March which means that no one particularly cares about college football right now. Unless you are Brady, of course, who might be the most objectionable person that I’ve never met. Needless to say, it would have to be a pretty big story (or at least an interesting one) that would make me “Jump Around” at this time of the year. That being said…

Bret Bielema has to have at least 4 million horseshoes up his ass, right? I mean, seriously, for a guy that chokes in almost every big game that he coaches in and whines about really dumb stuff that he doesn’t think that he controls even though he most definitely does, he sure does seem to catch all the breaks. I just want to reiterate that Bret Bielema is a terrible football coach. He would probably be ELITE in the Big East but he is garbage in the Big Ten. Fortunately, talent steers the ship up in Madison anyway. It has nothing to do with him.

When Scott Tolzein graduated two years ago, the Badgers had almost zero back-up plans to replace him. What they did have in-house was either a greenhorn or hurt. Seriously, Wisconsin had not even a below average quarterback ready to start for them in 2011. And then Russell Wilson fell into their lap, they would have played for a national title if it wasn’t for two RIDIC chokes, they still won the Big Ten anyway, and then they got steamrolled in the Rose Bowl. Uh oh, what happens now that Wilson is gone?

The exact same scenario played out in Cheese-ville again this winter. Bielema, whether it be shitty recruiting practices or general incompetence (probably both), was left with zero options to be his quarterback this coming Fall. Nothing. It doesn’t take much to run the Wisconsin offense as long as you can hand the ball off and throw play-action passes to tight ends and fullbacks where the ball is never in the air for more than 10 yards. But there they were again, without anyone that could even do that.

Yet here comes Danny O’Brien to the rescue to save Bielema’s ass again. Now, if you don’t know anything about O’Brien, he comes to Madison from Maryland where he did not get along with Randy Edsall because Randy Edsall is an asshole. He isn’t as skilled as Russell Wilson but he definitely has a set of skills that the pros would take a flier on. He’s not Andrew Luck, but O’Brien is probably the best pocket QB in the Big Ten (at least he is off the top of my head).

I don’t know how Bret Bielema keeps doing it. He keeps falling ass backwards into above average/good quarterbacks from the ACC that don’t have to sit out at all. How is this possible? It’s a miracle that it happened once. Double B has pulled this off for two consecutive years now! And with Ohio State banned, you can pretty much guarantee that Wisconsin is going to win whatever side of the stupid conference that they play on. Bret Bielema is a gash. I hope that he didn’t buy a Mega Millions ticket for tonight because it is quite obvious that he will win. Dickhead.

Feel free to discuss whatever you want to today. If you want to talk about spring football, I might even allow that. For one thing, I kind of like Urban Meyer coming out and pretty much constantly announcing that all of the offensive linemen are pussies. That is hilarious. In case you didn’t notice, my baseball prediction post did not come today because I am a liar. It will be up on Wednesday just in time for Opening Day. Still waiting to hear from Dut…

23 comments:

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prime99 said...

Titties!!!

Anonymous said...

He had one healthy quarterback on his roster. A walk on who was hurt and a true freshman who was hurt. For such a genius he sure does leave himself thin at quarterback.

Then poof another turd who wants take cheese science for his grad work. The worst thing is this guy has two years of eligibility left. I think the hail marys were karma.

Hell it looks like he is going to quit recruiting high school kids. He is just going to scope out ACC or Big East rosters for kids that are already developed.

All Big Ten coaches should pay a bounty to some psycho turd on Indiana's roster to take him out.

Hoffman

Grumpy said...

Or maybe that really is coaching genius.

Anonymous said...

Learn how to play basketball Harrison Barnes you fuckwad! I hope no one drafts you after your choke artist performance. Dammit! Tar Heels will be lucky to make it to the NIT next year.

Lions returning 21 of 22 starters..... playoff bound again?

Colts are going to take RG3 or make the Redskins trade up for him!

Steve Nash to the Heat next year = ELIte

Iceman, I will send you my money for the bracket challenge.

Thanks for saying you would read my "How to Father a Child" book G$. The first chapter would be how to become a dominate force in the FF lifestyle.

Fuck you Barnes!

----Lange

GMoney said...

Lange, you are sort of all over the place today. I like it. Making up for lost time.

Hoffman, it seems like Bielema cares even less about recruiting these days than I do. He's probably scouring Duke's 2-Deep as we speak.

Another reason why he is incredibly lucky...he manages to get good QBs that don't have to sit out at all. The man is pure evil.

GMoney said...

Fucking Blogger...

GMoney said...

Oh...HEY! Commenting works again!

Prime, quit posting late night vulgar comments, you jerk, or I will grab you by the short Brian LaHairs.

Anonymous said...

There is no doubt in my mind that Bielema bumps Nickelback in his vehicle at all times. He's gross.

Lange...it's NFC Championship Game or bust for the Lions next year. Time to win the second playoff game in organization history!

If I win the Mega Millions, I'm getting a jet and we're all flying to wherever the best ribs in America are. I'll have it stocked with as many Landsharks as Grumpy can drink.

Dut's not allowed on the jet until he comments again.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

OL has been a weakness for this team for ten years. Good that the Urban Assault vehicle is whipping those lard asses into shape.

Bielema is a piece of shit. He lost to Ohio St last year.

Bobby Abreu to the Tribe is ELITE. Actually he sucks but he represents an upgrade to our LF situation.

How can the new set up make commenting harder for Dut? Its made it much easier for me on my phone.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Dut is a fag. Period.

Drew, if I won, the first thing that I was planning on buying was a group of henchmen to do all of my dirty work for me (and there will be a lot). But your idea is solid. Private charter to the best rib joint in Amuuurrrrica sounds good to me. We should get that insane Jet Blue pilot to fly us.

Sweet Pea to Believeland? What was that? A decent move by your front office? Cray cray!

Nickelback is too new for Bielema. I'm feeling that he's a big Def Lepp guy.

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with the insane Jet Blue pilot leading our ribs mission. Honestly, the way I picture my private jet trips is how I picture being on party buses for weddings and shit. It's gonna be noisy...tv's on and errybody gonna get shitfaced. That cockpit will need to be triple dead-bolted shut to make sure no drunken shenanigans enter it.

Strippers would probably have to be the cocktail girls too.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Strippers? Amateur hour. I'd hire a fleet of familiar porn stars.

Prime99 said...

I had written something different and Blogger erased it. Then I went with short and sweet. Sorry to taint this upstanding blog with vulgar content.

I'm not at work today. Can you believe my work observes Cesar Chavez day?

Drew's idea is fantastic. Private jet, ribs, and strippers? Sounds awesome.

Anonymous said...

Prime...I'd fly you to Columbus, so you can fly with us.

The Abreu to the Indians trade fell apart...no deal.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Thank you, Lange. I'm glad that at least one person from this comment section is good for a $5 investment. Send the cash to 3247 W. Alexis Toledo Ohio 43613.

It's over 500 million, boys. Why stop at the best rib joint? If I win I will have everyone take a week off work and fly you assholes to the 5 best rib places in America. We'll just party our dicks off for 7 straight days. Dut is out...unless he lets us film him using G$'s fleshlight so we can put it on the Internet.

Brady said...

Last year's Wisky game at the shoe was the best football game I've been to in a long time. I LOL'd the whole time as litte fat kids from Wiconsin left the stadium crying. I wanted to drink their tears.

Wisconsin is quickly becoming OSU's biggest rival outside of MIchigan University. I fucking hate everything about Bielema.

If I win the powerball today, I will be sponsoring a Moneyshot vacation. Destination? Wherever you guys want to go.

Anonymous said...

I just sent out Damman's money, and didn't have your address, Iceman. Mainly, no actually, entirely, because I didn't feel like scouring this site for it. I actually haven't even seen how I did during the tournament until today. Not bad.

Also, is it winner take all? If so, I'll send it later today.

Ide

GMoney said...

You guys are starting to make me root for you to win the lottery. But I don't go anywhere without porn star stewardesses. That is a dealbreaker.

I put in 5 bucks for the office MM pool. The guy running it just dropped off a photocopied packet of all of our chances. It's ten fucking pages long. Yes, I have 170 chances to win viz the office pool. 170 out 175 million...I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, rest assured that if I win, I will throw the greatest box social the world has ever seen. All the great pornstars (who don't do interracial, obvz) will be in attendance, namely Ashlynn Brooke. I will even pay for Evan Stone to be there to throw back a few with G$ while Dut hits on him.

Ide

The Iceman said...

It is winner take all Ide...for a purse of about 70 bucks. I'm shocked I'm still in it at this point. And we're both currently losing to a girl.

MoneyShot vacation/week long ribfest extraviganza would be the best fucking thing to ever happen in the entire world.

GMoney said...

You know damn well that I love me some Evan Stone!

Drew, since we were talking about Hunwick on Wednesday, did you see what he wore during warm-ups? The Jackets didn't have pads or a helmet for him or something so he wore his Michigan pads and helmet with a Jackets jersey. HILARIOUS. This team is such a disgrace.

Anonymous said...

He is 5'6''...I doubt the Jackets have too much goalie gear that would fit him. He looked like he was swimming in the jersey they through on him.

Good for him for getting signed for the last two weeks of the season. He'll never sniff the NHL after that, but it's gotta be cool.

--Drew