Friday, March 09, 2012

Living The Suite Life

I reference Greg Gumbel later so it sort of makes sense.
To close out one of those rare weeks in which I am posting every day, I need some advice. Wednesday, I get a call from She$ asking if I would be interested in free tickets to the Blue Jackets game this Sunday evening (they play Ken Hitchcock’s 80 pound jowls and the rest of the Blues). The game starts at 6 pm (when the brackets are revealed…nice scheduling, NHL) and the Jackets are horrible so I asked her if I could think about it. She said no. I decided, what the hell, take them if they’re free. Even if I ended up not going, at least the feeling of throwing them away like some sort of big shot would be briefly amusing. I did this once with Indians tickets. I did not use them and asked no one else if they wanted them. Into the trash they went. It felt amazing.

The wife came home later that night and said that she wouldn’t be able to go due to work (which I figured) so I asked Swiney if he wanted in on the free ticket. He said yes. He enjoys a terrible on-ice product just as much as I do. So yesterday, the wife gets the freebies from her boss and I asked her to text me their location in the arena. If they were in the 200 Level, I planned on ripping them up. Much to my surprise, her reply was “Suite 30, Row 2, Seats 3-4”. WHOA! Free Suite seats! Fuck yes! You’re telling me that I can watch the hockey game live AND Greg Gumbel’s pube head at the same time! SICK!

She$ then breaks my heart by saying that Swiney and I will have to hob-knob with other people though. Apparently, the suite will have some Ohio State students and employees in it. I’m told, “You don’t have to be too social”. What the fuck does that mean? I imagine that it will be impossible to just ignore these people (even if I want to) since the two of us clearly know NO ONE else in that box. They are going to be curious as to who we are. She seemed genuinely worried that I might offend a guy that she works with often because he has a special needs son (both will be there) and asked that I be mature and not make her look bad. I found this to be hilarious. My e-mail reply to her:

I'm confused. So you DON'T want me to loudly refer to the Jackets as a bunch of retards? It's like I don't even know you anymore. I like the fact that you are worried that I might embarrass you.
We have been married for closing in on three years now by the way. I’m 31 years old yet my wife thinks that I go to professional sporting events just to pick on handicapped kids and alienate myself inside of a luxury suite. SHE GETS THE REAL ME! Anyway, back to the suite.

This sort of lifestyle is as foreign to me as tolerance is to Ide. I don’t know what to expect in the suite. Is everything free? What about beer? Since I don’t know these people, do I act like a complete pig? Is there a shitter in each suite? Is it cool to shit in it? If I shit, can I come out doing the Ace Ventura “DO NOT GO IN THERE” thing? Will they laugh? Should I constantly remind people that I paid zero dollars to be in there? What sort of demeanor should I carry? Do I spit on all the plebeians that are sitting in actual seats and not in super awesome suites? Should I loudly announce to those non-cool people what the brackets are but give them incorrect seedings? Such as “CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT KENTUCKY IS A 5 SEED!” or “HOW DID DUKE GET SNUBBED!”?

Basically, tell me how to behave. I’ve only sat in a suite once and it was for a goddamn Mannheim Steamroller Christmas concert. THAT WAS AWFUL. I didn’t embrace the ELITEness of the situation because I kept constantly looking at the door waiting for the moment that the music stopped and I could rush to the exit. This time around, I want to experience all that which the professional sporting event suite has to offer. Because, let’s be honest, it will probably be the last time that I get to be in one.

Alright, that does it for me this week. Monday should be all about the brackets/zombies but might be an Open Forum-style post due to the hockey game. The Iceman returns on Tuesday as if you possibly care. Wednesday feels like a good time to unleash my Jersey Shore season 5 winners and losers (SPOILER: the real losers were people that still watch this show). Thursday and Friday will be dark so that you can watch hoops and be envious of me since I will be feeling up she-males down in New Orleans. Peace in the Middle East.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would suggest not going. It sounds like you are in a lose and lose badly situation. It sounds like a month of rubbing your own knob to me.

Hoffman

Grumpy said...

Your very existence is an embarrassment to your wife. She knows you will fuck this up. Haven't you noticed she always has a ready excuse to not go places with you?

Anonymous said...

When I was growing up, I would go to probably 10 Pistons games a year in my Dad's company's suite...it was fucking tits. Unlimited chicken fingers, nachos, etc...it was amazing.

I've been in a Nationwide suite a couple times. I believe each one does have it's own bathroom. You should have much free food to eat. They will only have free booze if they have bought the booze. There is a really nice lounge/bar on the suite level that you should go to though...it's pretty fucking big and nice.

Stay away from the retard...nothing good can happen from hanging out with it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Jackets have won FOUR in a row for the first time in two years! Fuck Jeff Carter!

It doesn't sound like there will be free booze since it is through the university so that kind of sucks.

Unlimited chicken fingers sounds like the GOAT.

Anonymous said...

I think you should reprise the Al Czervik role inside the suite.

Anonymous said...

I would still go just to say you did. Just sit on the outside of the suite so you make it absolutely clear that you are not there to socialize and that you are only there to watch the game and see how much free food you can inhale. Just the experience of the "Suite Life" should be enough to endure a few hours of relative sobriety and good behavior.

My first NHL game was at Nationwide Arena where the Original Strut and myself had glass seats. I had never been to an NHL game before that night and I didn't even watch the NHL. However, the experience of being that close to the action and watching someone get checked into the glass 2 feet in front of me was pretty fuckin' sweet. Not to mention, people at that level had their own private bar. For one brief moment I felt like a multi-millionaire.

-Lil Strut

GMoney said...

Drew, do you recommend going early then to live large/mark my territory in the suite before those strangers get there?

GMoney said...

Courtside seats to the NBA are the best, but yes, glass seats at NHL games are right behind it. You gain a whole new level of respect for the size, speed, and skill of those guys.

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Prime, that link isn't working for me and it pretty much reveals your true identity. FAILURE!!!

By the way, it feels like some of you think that going to the game is still up in the air. It is not. I am going.

For the record, this will be my 4th CBJ game this season. The total amount of money that I've spent to get in to the arena: $30.00. I've spent three times that on alcohol there.

Prime99 said...

Yeah, that's a pretty good point about the identity, but I disagree with you about the link not working. To recap though:

- Went to an SF Giants suite- had the whole thing to my ourselves (no corporate folks to ruin it.)
- Two of my friends got tanked and started stealing beers from other suites after the game.
- We got locked into the stadium because we took so long.
- Had to walk around the other side to get out, saw people on the field.
- We went on the field and played catch for about 45 min.
- We realized it was a charity event at that point, but played along and took batting practice.
- Went back on the field and eventually made up a story about why we had to leave (because to get out we had to go through the clubhouse exit.)
- The intern eventually exposed our lie on the way out, but did nothing besides let us out. Got away with the whole thing.

Prime99 said...

My deleted comment without the link:

You have an excellent opportunity to create mischief as suites can be like the Vegas of the corporate world. It really depends on who is around you, so hopefully the people you don't know are huge closet Redhawk fans while working at OSU.

I was also once in a group at an A's suite that got kicked out for heckling the fans below us (they have suites around the outfield and there are regular bleachers below them.)

Now that Sacramento is getting a new arena, I'll definitely have to figure out a way to get into a suite in 2015.

The Iceman said...

I went to the Transiberian Orchestra with my woman this past year only because her rich as balls uncle has access to a suite at the Huntington Center in Toledo. There was food and booze there and it was all on the house. Shit...there was even an ice cream bar. The GF wasn't very impressed with the Miller Lite float I made halfway through the show. She also wasn't impressed with me eating about 40 chicken chunks while telling those around me I was attempting to get my name into Guniess. Bottom line is, it doesn't matter what's going on around you if there's free food and booze. You possess the ability to make your own fun.

GMoney said...

Interesting development: I received an email from Ide this morning volunteering his services to post on either Thursday or Friday of next week. What do we think about this? It doesn't matter to me at all but I'm afraid that he's just trying to promote his upcoming Klan rally.

Anonymous said...

If memory serves me correctly, Ide's last post left us all a little disappointed after the two immediately before that. I say we give him another shot. What will the topic be?

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Let the man post. He always delivers.

Brady said...

Eat and drink everything possible. Also, bring the fleshlight so you can make sweet sweet love to it in the bathroom. That would make for a killer suite experience.

Prime99 said...

It would be well worth it to let Ide try to ignite a Race War at the Money Shot. Anthony Davis' eyebrow will probably be really upset by it.

Prime99 said...

Btw, did you guys hear that Snooki's due date is 12/21/12- the date of the Mayan apocalypse? Name that kid Damien because she's definitely birthing the anti-christ to usher in the end of the world.

GMoney said...

Anyone intrigued by this Hulk Hogan sex tape? I've got be honest, I'll watch just about anyone bang but not the Hulkster. Maybe I'll ask this exact question in the suite on Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania runs train on YOU?!?!?

-- Terry Bollea

MuDawgfan said...

1. Prime99 posts ELITE comments.
2. I only want to know what music the hulkster plays when he comes into the room. Is it Voodoo Child or "I am a Real American." I guess it depends on if he's boning a black or white chick.

3. Funny Suite story: I used to have Falcons season tickets in the top level of the Georgia Dome. The year that Vick went to jail, Joey Harrington was our QB and Bobby Petrino was our coach - Gucci Mane tried to film a Rap Video in one of the large suites at the game. He had about 10-15 total sluts in there, ridiculous liqour and it was approved by the Georgia Dome security.
Apparently, it got so rowdy and there were several slut fights and the very distinct smell of pot smoke coming from the suite that they just kicked the entire group out.

GUCCI GUCCI GUCCI MANE!

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