|I reference Greg Gumbel later so it sort of makes sense.|
The wife came home later that night and said that she wouldn’t be able to go due to work (which I figured) so I asked Swiney if he wanted in on the free ticket. He said yes. He enjoys a terrible on-ice product just as much as I do. So yesterday, the wife gets the freebies from her boss and I asked her to text me their location in the arena. If they were in the 200 Level, I planned on ripping them up. Much to my surprise, her reply was “Suite 30, Row 2, Seats 3-4”. WHOA! Free Suite seats! Fuck yes! You’re telling me that I can watch the hockey game live AND Greg Gumbel’s pube head at the same time! SICK!
She$ then breaks my heart by saying that Swiney and I will have to hob-knob with other people though. Apparently, the suite will have some Ohio State students and employees in it. I’m told, “You don’t have to be too social”. What the fuck does that mean? I imagine that it will be impossible to just ignore these people (even if I want to) since the two of us clearly know NO ONE else in that box. They are going to be curious as to who we are. She seemed genuinely worried that I might offend a guy that she works with often because he has a special needs son (both will be there) and asked that I be mature and not make her look bad. I found this to be hilarious. My e-mail reply to her:
I'm confused. So you DON'T want me to loudly refer to the Jackets as a bunch of retards? It's like I don't even know you anymore. I like the fact that you are worried that I might embarrass you.We have been married for closing in on three years now by the way. I’m 31 years old yet my wife thinks that I go to professional sporting events just to pick on handicapped kids and alienate myself inside of a luxury suite. SHE GETS THE REAL ME! Anyway, back to the suite.
This sort of lifestyle is as foreign to me as tolerance is to Ide. I don’t know what to expect in the suite. Is everything free? What about beer? Since I don’t know these people, do I act like a complete pig? Is there a shitter in each suite? Is it cool to shit in it? If I shit, can I come out doing the Ace Ventura “DO NOT GO IN THERE” thing? Will they laugh? Should I constantly remind people that I paid zero dollars to be in there? What sort of demeanor should I carry? Do I spit on all the plebeians that are sitting in actual seats and not in super awesome suites? Should I loudly announce to those non-cool people what the brackets are but give them incorrect seedings? Such as “CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT KENTUCKY IS A 5 SEED!” or “HOW DID DUKE GET SNUBBED!”?
Basically, tell me how to behave. I’ve only sat in a suite once and it was for a goddamn Mannheim Steamroller Christmas concert. THAT WAS AWFUL. I didn’t embrace the ELITEness of the situation because I kept constantly looking at the door waiting for the moment that the music stopped and I could rush to the exit. This time around, I want to experience all that which the professional sporting event suite has to offer. Because, let’s be honest, it will probably be the last time that I get to be in one.
Alright, that does it for me this week. Monday should be all about the brackets/zombies but might be an Open Forum-style post due to the hockey game. The Iceman returns on Tuesday as if you possibly care. Wednesday feels like a good time to unleash my Jersey Shore season 5 winners and losers (SPOILER: the real losers were people that still watch this show). Thursday and Friday will be dark so that you can watch hoops and be envious of me since I will be feeling up she-males down in New Orleans. Peace in the Middle East.