Monday, March 05, 2012

Let's All Pretend That We Care About Bounties!

Geaux Saints, brah!
Are you a man or are you a little pussy bitch?  That is pretty much what all of this Saints-bounty bullshit boils down to.  If you are a man, you don't care and you realize that it isn't that big of a deal.  If you are a little pussy bitch, then you just got done with your shift at Habitat For Humanity and long for football to become soccer.  How about a story from my high school playing days (I know for a fact that you've missed these)?

So the Cats are playing Ottawa in a scrimmage prior to our Senior season (best team in school history, n-words, this is not up for debate).  Scrimmages freaking suck but they are still better than two-a-days and it's always better to hit someone else.  Look, I was not made of stone.  I took advantage of opportunities.  When I had the chance to take a kill shot on some poor DB or LB, I took it.  And it was never not hilarious to watch them get de-cleated and knowing that I did that.  If you never played the game, you will never understand how truly awesome that feeling is.

We have a play called that is designed to be run on the left side of the line (I OWNED the right side) which meant that I was to get to the second level and shit on some linebacker.  The ball is snapped, I execute perfect GDB form (Gap-Down-Backer...you're learning stuff today!), and have the MLB in my sights.  He doesn't see me coming.  I am going to send him home in a body bag.  Even at bone-rattling contact, THE MIKE does not see me.  I hit him with everything that I have but something is not right.  He doesn't move.  I mean, he does not BUDGE.  I, on the other hand, take two steps backwards and fall on my ass.  That guy was made out of brick and mortar.  I swear to God, it was the weirdest feeling I ever had.  I was dreading film study the next day and it was even worse-looking on the projector screen.  The coach even asked me, in front of the team, what the hell happened on that play.  I had nothing.  It was embarrassing as shit.

The point is, and everyone that played the game relatively successfully gets this, that I actively tried to hurt my opponents during games.  I admit it.  I played dirty.  Cut blocks?  Yep.  Rabbit punches while blocking?  You know it.  Fingers in their eyes?  Why not.  And I would do it all over again.  Because I don't give any fucks about some shitbird from some other school.  If I can end his night with a trip to the hospital, that would be AWESOME.

Now, we did not have any bounty system or anything, but as I said, I didn't care if I hurt anyone (which makes Jonathon Vilma and myself bros for life).  This is why I am not appalled or anything at the story of Gregg Williams paying off his players to knock fuckers out of games.  Is it ethical?  Probably not and it definitely doesn't match with the safety precautions that Goodell is instituting now so I get why they are pissed.  I guess my problem is that defenders and constantly trying to destroy people so who cares if the asshole DC is paying them extra for doing their job?

Bob Ryan was on The Sports Reporters yesterday morning and compared this to SpyGate.  Bob Ryan is a dipshit fuckface.  SpyGate was BLATANT CHEATING and the Patriots haven't won shit since which proves that their entire dynasty is fraudulent.  Apparently, the Saints are going to get fined a fortune and might lose draft picks because of this.  Also, Sean Payton and Williams are expected to be suspended for a few games.  This seems pretty harsh to me.  Fines are pointless and coach suspensions seem equally stupid, but losing picks...no way, son!

Since when was it a bad thing to try and knock Brett Favre out of a game?  Remember the pictures of Favre's ankle after that NFC Title game?  If anything, the Saints should get MORE picks since they were trying to kill him on purpose.  The Saints won a Super Bowl because they were relentless on quarterbacks.  Seems smart to me.

And now the NFL is investigating my Redskins!  What the hell!  If Gregggggg had a bounty system in place during his 4 years in DC, clearly it did not work.  Goodell better not even think about taking any of our draft picks away from something that didn't help us 5 goddamn years ago.  Statute of limitations or something, honky!  We're going to need all of our picks to build a Super Bowl winner behind RG3 anyway.

In conclusion, I am a real man and think that this has been blown way out of proportion.  Just look at the tweets from all of the old timers (like Marcellus Wiley and Damien Woody).  This sort of bounty shit happens all the time.  As the great Bo Ryan likes to say, Deal With It.

And no, there is no videotape of me getting "trucked" by a guy that was not moving and didn't see me coming.  It is a shame that has stained my family crest for years though.  I'll be back tomorrow (Iceman is a bastard, remember) with your conference tournament primer.

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

According to Iceman and Damman, you and Hines are bros. I love irony.

GMoney said...

I thought about that and there are some parallels fo sho. But I wouldn't consider me a hypocrite for my anti-Hines stance because I am the best and Ward is buttfucking sonofabitch.

I don't know. I just don't get the outrage. What is the difference between Will Smiff trying to send Kurt Warner to the x-ray room for 10K and James Harrison trying to detach people's heads for free?

I have a feeling that Dead talk today is going to be amazing. Let's hold off for as long as we can but just know that I was so excited that I couldn't sleep last night.

Grumpy said...

I would guess bounties have been around as long as the league, but this plays right into the commissioners pet project, player safety.

The only difference between you and Hines is that he got rich taking people's heads off and you got nothing.

Anonymous said...

Discount bounties while you can, because after the smack down that Goodell is about to lay down...they will be out of hte leage for forever or they will be much smaller groups/very underground. He's gonna send a huge message just to scare the shit out of everyone that even thinks about trying it again.

Will Buford was ELITE yesterday! (feels good to finally say that this year)

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I have no idea why the word "Discount" is at the beginning of that last post.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The only difference between G$ and Hines is that G$ left his team with pride and dignity...not begging for the team to keep him like a groveling little twat rag.

Listen here shitface, I offered to write Tuesday but you told me you would handle it...like you handle Mike Shanahan between the sheets.

The right thing was done last night during the walking dead. FACT!

I'm shocked you didn't talk about how Ohio is Michigan's equal in basketball. You know I actually saw posts from Ohio fans on FB hoping for a State win yesterday to keep Michigan from a Big 10 title? Fuckin great fans right there.

GMoney said...

Stop the hoops talk and read the last sentence of the post. We'll talk about that tomorrow. I know that you are excited NOW, but you will wait or I will blindside you with the force of ten Hines Wards.

I'm very interested to know if we'll ever hear who narc'ed out the Saints. This has definitely been going on for years but why is it coming out now? Makes no sense without an ax to grind.

Honestly, for as much as I hate Brett Favre, if he doesn't care about it and he was an actual victim, then why should we.

But yeah, if Goodell tries to penalize my Skins I will be furious. Did he not see that the great Joe Gibbs and Denny Hamlin won a race yesterday!

MUDawgfan said...

1. G$ - do you recall the name of the MLB? Would be intersting to learn if he got any scholarship offers or played at the next level.

2. I hate the Saints more than anyone and the thought of them losing draft picks or Sean Payton sitting on his thumbs for 4 games makes me giddy. But I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you I wanted John Abraham or Curtis Lofton to go out there and break Drew Brees elbow into four different pieces.

Wasn't part of the lockout negotiations better health coverage for NFL retirees? Like hundreds of millions of dollars dumped from the TV Deals into post-retirement healthcare for tenured players? Why does Goddell give a shit? If he's funneling money into their retirement healthcare, why worry about what they do during their career.

The Iceman said...

My bad...as with most of these posts I just skimmed the bullet points. When I was asked if I cared about this bounty thing I answered how I thought Ron Swanson would. "Since I'm not a pussy, no I do not."

GMoney said...

If I recall, their MIKE was not very big at all which made the play even more shocking to the masses of humanoids in attendance at a high school scrimmage. I will say this: I have never been hit harder in my life and he wasn't even trying to kill me. It's like in baseball when a guy throwing 100 mph or something supplies most of the power. I was an ELITE football player. Who am I kidding with that "was". I am STILL an ELITE football player.

Simply put, it's hard for me to get mad about these bounties when I still scream "BREAK HIS LEG!" every time that Tony Romo gets sacked.

I want to murder Peter King. It's about time that we got an update on his fantasy baseball team in his NFL column.

Prime99 said...

I was really confused when everyone was up in arms about this bounty shit.. Do NFL players really need extra incentive to kill Brett Favre? I think not.

Boba Fett is rolling in the sarlaac pit right now. Nerdiest and most appropriate reference of the day.

Anonymous said...

Here's a story from the weekend.

So, my Grandma died last Tuesday(I like to think she lasted a few extra days to make sure that I attended Rib Fest...she had more balls on her death bed then Brady does alive obviously).

So, we were up in Cleveland for the memorial service on Saturday. My Dad has two brothers...all three are very successful...good guys. They have one sister. She is bat shit crazy and lives out in San Diego.

So, my crazy Aunt (I use the Aunt term loosely as I care about every one of your pets more than I do about her) gets up to speak at this service. This suprrised me, because I couldn't believe they were going to let her speak..but, maybe they figured it was better than fighting her over it. She begins to talk...and it's mostly talking about herself...not a good speech, but nothing crazy. Then she talks about how she thinks she compares to my Grandma because my Grandma was a nurse and my crazy Aunt has studied "the healing arts" and practices "shen-fu". At this point, I look at my brother and we pretty much give each other the "oh fuck...here comes the crazy". This crazy woman then goes into how both she and my Grandma were "psychics". My Grandma was not a psychic...nor did she ever claim to be one. So, she goes on for probably three minutes about how she could basically send telepathic messages to my Grandma, because they were both psychics. At this point my brother starts laughing after he looks at me staring at the ground and I'm digging a hole in my tongue/lip to keep from doing it myself. It was fucking terrible.

I avoided speaking to that crazy woman until the very end of the luncheon after the service. She sought me out and said, "Drew....I haven't gotten to talk to you yet"...to which my girlfriend told me my immediate reply was "That's OK". I spoke with her for about five minutes...she told me about how she's developing a TV show right now out in California. Awful conversation.

I challenge anyone that thinks they witnessed a more awkward speech than someone claiming to be psychic and talking about how the dead person was psychic too.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Drew Brees, unhappy with no long term deal, dropped a dime.

Brady said...

Good write up G$. I agree with everything you said (RARITY!). The Ginger will have to come down hard on the Saints because he has to protect against any law suits. However, if anyone thinks that this shit doesn't happen on every NFL team they be crazy. The Saints were just retarded enough to let it get out.

Brady said...

"So, my Grandma died last Tuesday(I like to think she lasted a few extra days to make sure that I attended Rib Fest...she had more balls on her death bed then Brady does alive obviously)."

OUCH! I have nothing in response to this. Sorry about your Grandma though bro.

GMoney said...

Drew, your insane aunt is not ELITE. I am a big fan of your brother laughing during a memorial service.

How funny would it be if the dime-dropper was Steve Gleason, that guy that has ALS and PK can't stop referencing?

Prime, your nerd reference made me LOL. It was a small LOL though.

Prime99 said...

That was the pity fuck of LOL's, G$

Prime99 said...

Sorry to hear about your grandma, Drew. Crazy speeches are never fun. I wonder if your Aunt psychically knows her TV will be awful.

GMoney said...

OK, so that was one hell of an ending for TWD last night. It was a long time coming. But I feel like we need to talk about Deputy Dipshit Carl first who just vaulted to the lead in our “Needs To Die” BCS.

*It’s been almost 20 episodes and I still don’t know the name of Sofia’s mom. Joan? Diane? Either way, Carl calling her an idiot for believing in Heaven was TOTES LOL and not really fitting of his character at all. Since when did Carl start questioning the existence of God? Joan/Diane should have slapped his stupid hat off.

*Lori is still Hitler’s cunt. Now she wants to move into the house. I’m sure that that will go off swimmingly.

*Dale was absolutely right about Randall. So they aren’t sure what to do with him. LET’S MURDER HIM! It reminds me of an old Simpsons episode where Lisa asks Nelson about his “Nuke The Whales” poster and Nelson’s reply is “Gotta nuke something”. When in doubt, kill the guy.

*And Rick was correct on not pulling the trigger. I’m sure that it’s really weird to have your stupid ten year old son openly pine for you to end some poor guy. Carl is awful.

*I almost forget about the hilarity of Carl just wandering off into the woods by himself after stealing a gun! Him lobbing rocks (like a girl, mind you) at a mud-stuck zombie was the best. I did enjoy his annoying taunts toward that zombie who looked an awful lot like the lead singer of The Spin Doctors. I think that if you listen closely, that guy was zombie-growling the lyrics to Two Princes. Great 90’s music reference by me!

*Of course, this all lead to The Spin Zombie following Carl’s stench back to the farm and killing Dale. What a terrific scene that was. I stood up and cheered. Dale needed to die due to his shittiness and massive nostrils and it was better than I could have possibly imagined. Daryl pulling the trigger because Rick was too much of a bitch only strengthened my position that Daryl and his SS motorcycle should be leading the group to glory. FUCK YOU, DALE, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL.

*"T-Dawg, get the shotgun."

Great episode if only for the ending. The guy from The Shield is owning it as the director.

The Iceman said...

Good God, G$, I know who isn't allowed in my survival camp. You! That kid needed to be shot immediately. You heard it...they have 30 in their group & already raped the women of another camp while they made the men watch. That kid signed his death certificate the minute he chose to travel with that group of heathens. If you leave that kid alive you might as well get the rape stands ready because that kid is TOTES going back to his group to let everyone know where the fresh food and fresh pussy is.

Carl throws rocks in the same manner I envision Drew throwing a baseball.

I was so happy dale died I almost creamed my shorts. That crybaby queen needed to go. I'm not even mad at Carl for being a mega pussy. He's the reason dale's dead & for that we thank you.

GMoney said...

Hmmmm, you make a good point about the rapings but a bad point by not acknowledging that Lori could use a good donkey punch.

Dale died and we never did get any closure as to whether or not he found a valid radiator hose for his RV.

Prime99 said...

I'm disappointed Dale's nostril hair didn't defend him from mortal danger. Anybody want a spinoff where we follow Randall's group of survivors instead?

Anonymous said...

This has gone on long enough so I have to ask. What queer show are you guys talking about? I seriously don't know. Humor me here I don't watch a lot of tv. The way you all spooge all over the comments about it, you would think this show is about gay cowboys.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

G$: I would allow lori to be a rape victim...you are correct about that flaw in my argument. How good does Shane feel about Dale eating shit finally? Dale was the only slit pussy enough to blab to Heschel about what really happened to Otis.

Prime: that is actually a damn fine idea. Brilliant actually. The show could go on for years...

Damman: The Walking Dead. Its on AMC and about a group of people attempting to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ice. Maybe I will check it out so see what the fuss is all about.

ESPN is already calling this bounty-gate. Good god. How annoying is this story gonna be? We will be hearing about this for the next six months. It may approach the annoyance of spy-gate and the peyton manning story. Nobody runs a story into the ground like ESPN

-Damman

MUDawgfan said...

"Drew, I'm psychic and I haven't gotten to talk to you yet"

"Why would you want to? If your psychic, do you already know what I'm going to say?"

*chug beer, grab groing*

"I'm out"


---That's how it should have gone down.

GMoney said...

D, it's the best worst show ever.

Ice, you say that they should kill that dude and that might be the right call. But Rick had that choice in town. He could have easily left him for dead but he didn't because he is a pussy. Once he lifted him off of that iron spike and put him in the car--BOOM--he's now a part of the team.

By the way, that cow that was half-eaten was still alive even though its guts were all over the field??? I don't think that is how it works. But the important thing is that that cow gave it's life to kill Dale. Life well spent.

The Iceman said...

Oh. I'm with ya on the leave him for dead in town. That bitch just got done using you for target practice and you're gonna save him?! Fuck that shit. The second that guy squeezes one off on me he's zombie food. But its up to someone to right rick's wrong after bringing him back to the camp. Shane just needs to take over already.

GMoney said...

Where is Ide? He probably went to Dale's funeral. Homo.

Anonymous said...

Dale dying was the most satisfying death in the history of television. Great episode.

I also enjoyed T-Dawg's only line of the night was about disposing bodies. He is easily the best underused black guy in the business. I wish he would act more like his character from the Blind Side around Lori and call her snowflake. That would be nice too.

Due to AMC fucking shit up, I totes know whats going to happen in the next 2 episodes. Not sure if you heard about this, but they released a picture of the boxed set and the description had the fucking major twist at the end of this season right there. Without going into detail, you will hate Carl even more.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, that is not possible. But keep your filthy whore mouth shut anyway. I have a feeling that Shane is going to die but I don't want to know until it happens.

You know, I think that Randall has gone about pleading his case totes the wrong way. When Hershel was repairing his leg and treating him for a full goddamn week, why didn't he mention that same high school bullshit? Or when everyone keeps telling him that he's going to rape them or whatever, why isn't he reminding everyone that Rick saved his fucking life TWICE and I kind of owe you all big time? Randall is an idiot. He probably believes in Heaven.

I swear to God, if Carl kills Shane I AM DONE.