Friday, March 16, 2012

Ide Always Has Been An Asshole

This has nothing to do with anything but it is pretty much the greatest picture ever.  And, you know, MARK MAY!!!
Hazing was a ritual. It was just generally accepted going into high school sports; as it should have been. You have to earn your right to be a part of the team. Being some fag vagina wasn’t going to win you any respect. I knew this and accepted it. Nowadays this is considered bullying. If your kid can’t make it through some hazing, then he will never make it as a grown man in society. He might as well be playing volleyball or soccer.

Locker room hangings were usually the soup du jour when it came to hazing, especially in football. Everyone went through it, so by the time it came to you, you knew what to expect. Freshman had their own team and didn’t mix with JV or varsity, so sophomore year was typically the year it happened. By then everyone knew the drill; wear really nasty shitty tighty whiteys. They tear easily unlike boxers, which were all the rage back then. I have heard stories of people hanging for over 30 minutes wearing boxers. Fuck that noise. Football players by and large weren’t the most creative when it came to hazing. Hangings (we called them lynchings (lol)) and shaving cream pranks usually rounded out the arsenal. In baseball everyone named their bats after concentration camps (for the record, I fucking loved this idea), except for the Jewish kid named Ariel (ha). Nothing much there.

In wrestling, the creativity really flowed. I was the first freshman to get hazed in the locker room, and it was relatively painless. They weren’t very slick about it so I saw it coming, and was prepared for it. I was hung in the showers (I had a shitty pair of tighty whiteys in my locker for this event) and it was over. I wish many others heeded my example. Check that; no I don’t, these stories are hilarious, and totes true.

We had a nip on our team. He wasn’t very good, but wrestled at a weight class that was light on talent/people. We quickly named him Vietnam, and referred to everything he did as if he were doing it during the war. I think he was Chinese. So as a sophomore he got called up to play varsity. He went out and got swiftly beaten. The best part was his own team screaming “YOU LOST THE WAR, VIETNAM!” as he walked off the mat. Surprisingly enough, his parents yanked him off the team shortly thereafter.

During an overnight tournament we dared a guy to jerk off in one of the mat maid’s Cosmopolitan magazines. The resulting discovery on the bus ride home was pure gold. Not really hazing, unless you consider it from the stats point of view, but it is worth noting.

Nudity was always classic and used very regularly. Our practice room was above the main gym, which is where the women’s basketball team practiced, or whatever it was they did. We held down a cocky freshman and stripped him bare assed then threw his clothes to the women. They placed them mid court and told him to come and get them. He had to. I’m pretty sure he cried. Many times when guys were taking a shower, they would come out to an empty locker.

Icy hot was used in less than deplorable ways.

Sophomore year I had to sit next to the captains of the football team, who also grew up being great family friends with my family. They also happened to be the two biggest fuckers in the school. My growth was not as successful. Fortunately for them, I usually got blamed for their misdoings. Including, but not limited to the time where I had to sit through the entire class on my desk which was tipped upside down. I had to sit on that basket thing that held your books. When the teacher yelled at me, I was instructed to tell her that I much preferred this set up. Assholes.

We were masters at breaking in to other schools lockers. Pull a towel through the hoop of a master lock and pull with all your might. They snap pretty easily. We would pilfer through other team’s lockers and steal their warm-ups to use either in practice or what have you. We stumbled upon the team mascot’s locker and stole his outfit. He was a giant badger or something. We then had a player on our team do a dance during the tournament when the respective school was competing.

One time a few people clipped their pubes and threw it into someone’s book bag for later discovery. We all assumed he’d go home and find it while he did his homework. Only, he didn’t do homework that night, and had the same first period class with me. I was a few rows away, when I heard, “What is all this hair doing in my backpack?!” I laughed so hard I was in tears. I was then sent to the office for disruption.

This takes us to Steve Adkins. This poor fucker. When Columbine happened, EVERYONE looked at this guy like he was going to be the second coming. He was socially inept, fucking weird, and deeply disturbed. Not sure where it came from, but it was very tragic. I had the good fortune of having this fucker in my classes since the sixth grade. He thought he would gain popularity if he did weird shit to make people notice him such as pissing ALL OVER bathrooms. Usually opposing schools, but he had been known to strike in our high school and middle school. We didn’t care because we used our locker room year round, and that remained unscathed. This kid was really fucked up. I’d like to think he killed himself by now. Or he is in jail for some sort of sexually deviant crime. Either or is a likely scenario.

So we are at Dublin Coffman, who is our biggest rival. We lost the match, and as we were leaving, their coach came over and yelled at our coach about someone pissing and shitting all over their locker room. We knew immediately what happened, but the coaches didn’t. They didn’t care. I’m quite certain that next day we dead sprinted roughly ten miles. I’m still sore 14 years later from that day. Vengeance had to be taken. I came into the locker room and was told by the captain to piss in a trash can. I obliged. I go to my locker and noticed people were taking turns pissing in this kid’s book bag and locker. Then Steve walked in. He was immediately grabbed and thrown into said trash can head first. I was sure to steer clear from that kid from that day on as I didn’t want to die.

How we made it through high school without being suspended (I was levied an attempt to suspend once for making fun of a kid) or worse is beyond me. Those really were the good old days, since if you call a kid a fag you will have a class action suit and be expelled these days. Though, I did hear of some kids doing anal penetration in lacrosse not too long ago somewhere in Central Ohio. Good to see some places still keeping the tradition going.


Grumpy said...

G$ can't get home soon enough.

Mr. Ace said...

Super Doucher.

I am just going to use my VP status and repost the porn post.

Jeff said...

A story from my clemson days:

That picture brings back some memories. The great Jeff bostic featured in the center is a proud clemson alum. His daughter ashley was in my class at clemson. I grew to know her through some friends and ended up hooking up with her from time to time. She was a decent drunk booty call. Anyways, apparently she really grew to like me even though I treated her like shit. She would invite me to sit in her family box at football games which was elite. Fully catered, free booze, and of course getting to meet and talk with ole Jeff bostic who always had a big ass chew in. He would talk my ear off every time I was up there probably because he had 3 daughters and never got to talk much sports with anyone anymore.

Grumpy said...

Jeff, you do know that the internet is public and that Jeff Bostic will now hunt you down?

Anonymous said...

Jeff Bostic won't do a thing and isnt worried because he knows Ohio fans can't get boners around girls.

Anonymous said...

I had this long comment about how I welcome and appreciate the idea of hazing...but cool blogger decided to fuck with me and delete it. So I'll just say let me be the first to applaud this post, Ide.

Anonymous said...

Jeff is the best. I slept next to Big Strut last night making me the worst.

Naptown Wolverine went to every strip club on Bourbon Street last night. ELITE?


Jeff said...

Here's to hoping Jeff bostic doesn't Google his name everyday.

Eb said...

I laughed at this! Good Read.

Anonymous said...

Eb, I haven't seen your sexy ass in way too long!

I'm wearing my ELITE t-shirt today. Bitches are lining up to suck my knob.


Anonymous said...

Check for an Adams Apples, G$. I heard Nawlins is a hot bed for transvestite activity. And by "heard" I mean Dut told me he fucked a she-male there and fell in love.