Tuesday, March 20, 2012
If the NBA season ended today (and we're damn close to the end), the Atlanta Hawks would be the 6th seed. I can't repeat this enough after MuDawg told me to do some sort of sexual act with more than one dick. Dawg also boastfully proclaimed the Hawks would make the NBA finals this year and is currently a blistering 0% for sport predictions this year. This has nothing to do with my post today...it's just great information to have the next time Dawg tries to sound smart about anything.
How was everyone's St. Paddy's day? After spending 2011 in Dublin (Ireland) for this blackout fest, my first celebration back in the states had all the makings of a complete and total fucking letdown. That all changed when my friend decided to mutilate some chick's sex hole on the hood of some dude's car in a bar parking lot at 11PM. I'm actually impressed since this guy usually can't hold an erection after 3 beers without the assistance of boner pills. I've been told "Rock Hard Weekend" is a solid choice and usually gets the job done. He claims the public sex story isn't true, but I have multiple reliable sources that can prove otherwise. Couple that with a story (I'll omit names for legal reasons) about an NFL bound local kid who played for a local college getting his dick sucked by a former co-worker of mine on the ride home from being picked up at an airport made for a pretty ELITE day. Did I mention she has Chlamydia? Well, she does...in her poontang and eyeball. That's right...eyeball. She said he still won't call her back and that was about 2 weeks ago. No real topic for today. Just some random sports stories to debate/discuss.
We touched on this earlier yesterday but Manning to Denver doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. Maybe Elway promised Manning anal sex with his wife or something neat like that (I heard she was hot which I find hard to believe since Elway is a horse faced, baby fucker). I just don't see the attraction here. The running game is a soiled diaper spearheaded by a guy who soils his own diapers, the receiving corp is average and starts a white guy from Minnesota and John Fox likes to touch your butthole when you aren't looking. I don't care that the Titans picked Locker at 8 last year. Tennessee was the right move, in my opinion.
Did you know Elway has a twin sister? I bet she's so gross looking she spent most of her youth chained to a drainage pipe eating fish heads on Wheat Thins slid over by her parents on a hub cap. That bitch could probably shave the skin off your rod with a toothy blow jay gone bad...that is assuming she inherited the Elway family choppers (she had to of). Back to important stuff.
BASEBALL ALERT! I guess C.J. Wilson gave out Mike Napoli's phone number on Twitter as a St. Patrick's day joke. Napoli, apparently, doesn't see the hilarity of 3,000 voicemails from drunk, dickwart baseball fans and has been crying like a flaming snatch about it ever since. Boo fucking hoo. What a cunt. Grab two hundred dollars of the ten million you're making this year and do something about it. Whiny faggot. Baseball players are such fucking pussies!
Financial guru Antoine Walker has sold his NBA Championship ring for about 21K as a part of a bankruptcy liquidation. Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Don't be fat and stupid and have greedy black friends. Listen to your life coach, Ide and keep it white. On the bright side 'Twaaan can always make $200 an episode being T-Dog's stunt double when TWD season 3 starts filming. Did you know this fucking whale made over $100 million for his career minus endorsements?! Further proof that everyone who goes to Kentucky is inbred and useless. Time to revise this commercial. "I'm employee number eight...and I make horrible life decisions while contemplating suicide daily."
Here is why you don't put scotch loving lardos at 3rd base.
Whenever I start to get depressed thinking about how the Browns organization tucked their shit between their legs like that cross dressing tranny from Silence of the Lambs during the trade for RG3, I remember that the Dolphins are still a team and I smile. They just signed David Garrard AND are rumored to be interested in Tim Tenor. So the roster of QBs would read Matt Moore, Garrard, Johnathan Paul Losman and Timmy Tens. LOLZ! LOLZ! They deserve two LOLZ for that bag of QB cow pie. At least there's one team out there the Browns can still beat.
Well, faggots. That's all you get from me today. Even though I hate baseball more than Seal hates having sex with people not related to him, these Tim Kurkjian impressions on YouTube are really cracking me up. So far the best I've seen and heard is Elliot Johnson with a distant second going to Tim Dillard. Dillard's impression isn't perfect but the stats fuckin slay me. Baseball sucks, but those videos are ELITE and I encourage you to watch them all. There you go queens, the baseball you've all been waiting for. Now go jerk off or something.