Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Grab Bag of a Whoooooole Buncha Dumb Shit

             Because it's John Elway riding a Timmy Tenor centaur...THAT'S why.



If the NBA season ended today (and we're damn close to the end), the Atlanta Hawks would be the 6th seed.  I can't repeat this enough after MuDawg told me to do some sort of sexual act with more than one dick.  Dawg also boastfully proclaimed the Hawks would make the NBA finals this year and is currently a blistering 0% for sport predictions this year.  This has nothing to do with my post today...it's just great information to have the next time Dawg tries to sound smart about anything.

How was everyone's St. Paddy's day?  After spending 2011 in Dublin (Ireland) for this blackout fest, my first celebration back in the states had all the makings of a complete and total fucking letdown.  That all changed when my friend decided to mutilate some chick's sex hole on the hood of some dude's car in a bar parking lot at 11PM.  I'm actually impressed since this guy usually can't hold an erection after 3 beers without the assistance of boner pills.  I've been told "Rock Hard Weekend" is a solid choice and usually gets the job done.  He claims the public sex story isn't true, but I have multiple reliable sources that can prove otherwise.  Couple that with a story (I'll omit names for legal reasons) about an NFL bound local kid who played for a local college getting his dick sucked by a former co-worker of mine on the ride home from being picked up at an airport made for a pretty ELITE day.  Did I mention she has Chlamydia?  Well, she does...in her poontang and eyeball.  That's right...eyeball.  She said he still won't call her back and that was about 2 weeks ago.  No real topic for today.  Just some random sports stories to debate/discuss.

We touched on this earlier yesterday but Manning to Denver doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.  Maybe Elway promised Manning anal sex with his wife or something neat like that (I heard she was hot which I find hard to believe since Elway is a horse faced, baby fucker).  I just don't see the attraction here.  The running game is a soiled diaper spearheaded by a guy who soils his own diapers, the receiving corp is average and starts a white guy from Minnesota and John Fox likes to touch your butthole when you aren't looking.  I don't care that the Titans picked Locker at 8 last year.  Tennessee was the right move, in my opinion.

Did you know Elway has a twin sister?  I bet she's so gross looking she spent most of her youth chained to a drainage pipe eating fish heads on Wheat Thins slid over by her parents on a hub cap.  That bitch could probably shave the skin off your rod with a toothy blow jay gone bad...that is assuming she inherited the Elway family choppers (she had to of).  Back to important stuff.

BASEBALL ALERT!  I guess C.J. Wilson gave out Mike Napoli's phone number on Twitter as a St. Patrick's day joke.  Napoli, apparently, doesn't see the hilarity of 3,000 voicemails from drunk, dickwart baseball fans and has been crying like a flaming snatch about it ever since.  Boo fucking hoo.  What a cunt.  Grab two hundred dollars of the ten million you're making this year and do something about it.  Whiny faggot.  Baseball players are such fucking pussies!

Financial guru Antoine Walker has sold his NBA Championship ring for about 21K as a part of a bankruptcy liquidation.  Let that be a lesson to you, kids.  Don't be fat and stupid and have greedy black friends.  Listen to your life coach, Ide and keep it white.  On the bright side 'Twaaan can always make $200 an episode being T-Dog's stunt double when TWD season 3 starts filming.  Did you know this fucking whale made over $100 million for his career minus endorsements?!  Further proof that everyone who goes to Kentucky is inbred and useless.  Time to revise this commercial.  "I'm employee number eight...and I make horrible life decisions while contemplating suicide daily."

Here is why you don't put scotch loving lardos at 3rd base.

Whenever I start to get depressed thinking about how the Browns organization tucked their shit between their legs like that cross dressing tranny from Silence of the Lambs during the trade for RG3, I remember that the Dolphins are still a team and I smile.  They just signed David Garrard AND are rumored to be interested in Tim Tenor.  So the roster of QBs would read Matt Moore, Garrard, Johnathan Paul Losman and Timmy Tens.  LOLZ!  LOLZ!  They deserve two LOLZ for that bag of QB cow pie.  At least there's one team out there the Browns can still beat.

Well, faggots.  That's all you get from me today.  Even though I hate baseball more than Seal hates having sex with people not related to him, these Tim Kurkjian impressions on YouTube are really cracking me up.  So far the best I've seen and heard is Elliot Johnson with a distant second going to Tim Dillard.  Dillard's impression isn't perfect but the stats fuckin slay me.  Baseball sucks, but those videos are ELITE and I encourage you to watch them all.  There you go queens, the baseball you've all been waiting for.  Now go jerk off or something.

31 comments:

GMoney said...

Ha, I never made the T-Dawg connection with Antoine!

There are no legal ramifications in the comments. He was talking about Eric Page. Don't care about your eye chlamydia.

The over/under on wins for Denver next year is 10. Hammer that under. They caught every break in the world last year and only won 8 games and that was Jesus on their fucking side.

Tristan put up a 27/12 against K-Humph last night. Imagine how great that kid will be once he gets to learn from Luke Walton!

Anonymous said...

That was a better post than last week.

I had a fun St. Patty's Day....would have been miserable if we had lost to the Zags.

I'm fine with Peyton choosing Denver. The Titans almost seemed forced to me. I read it wasn't even the way their mgt wanted to go...it was Bud Adams demanding it. They were all set to go after/get Mario Williams...then they put all their resources toward Peyton. Now they have neither.

Grump's boy Mike Wallace is still a FA right? Broncos should find the scrilla to go after him.

I just heard this morning that there is going to be a sixth season of Jersey Shore. They will be filming this summer and Snooki will be there preggers. I actually find this new development interesting.

MUDawg is definitely a mouth-breather.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, Wallace is restricted. If someone wants him, it will cost them a first round pick if the Steelers decide not to match. Basically, it is what the Bengals should do since they have an assload of cap space, 2 first rounders this year thanks to Palmer, it steals a huge piece from a division rival, and would give them quite possibly the best 1-2 receiver combo in NFL history. All of these reasons do not trump their horrible ownership though which is why they won't.

God dammit, NO MORE SHORE!

Anonymous said...

G$...Good points on the Bengals. That makes too much sense, which is why I guess they haven't done it.

Has Grumpy not posted yet today, because he's too busy crying that today is Hines Maternity Ward Retirement Day?

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Press conference at noon. I'm actually celebrating Hines' retirement; seeing him in another uniform would have broken my heart.

Nobody is giving up a first rounder for Mike Wallace. While I don't want to lose him, Antonio Brown is the much better receiver and I'd rather see them work a long term deal for him next year than give a lot of money to Wallace.

The Bengals make a lot of sense, but Mikey Boy isn't giving up a first rounder. I'd like to see he and Dan Snyder play poker.

UC/Ohio A&M: Scoreless tie or both buses crash and burn on the way to the arena.

MuDawgfan said...

Iceman is my new best friend.

The Atlanta Hawks are soaring high on the wings of destiny. Hate on Haters.

GMoney said...

Nobody is giving up a first rounder for Wallace? Why not? He's a borderline top 5 receiver. The Patriots should have given up one of their first rounders for him instead of signing Brandon Lloyd. Seeing how the Bengals and Patriots draft, trading one of their two picks for an ELITE receiver with beyond ELITE speed makes too much sense.

I think that I'm going to put my bib on tomorrow and discuss the future of Tenor. That feels like a great topic.

The Iceman said...

Yep...Eric Page got his crank sucked on the way home from the airport from one of my former co-workers. And I know this is going to be shocking to everyone but part of the reason she was fired was because she couldn't stop fucking the customers. According to a girl who went to high school with Page, he is an ELITE sex hound with an extensive resume.

Ready for this? Wallace is overrated and I agree with Grumpy that Antonio Brown is better. No way in hell I would give up a first rounder for Wallace. He's a one dimensional player and I've read this year's draft is very deep with WRs.

Anonymous said...

G$ "Mike Wallace is a top 5 WR"

VS.

Iceman & Grumpy "Not even better than Antonio Brown"

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Iceman and I agree=ELITE. Wallace is a one trick pony and drops too many balls. I would hate to lose him, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

The Iceman said...

Team Grumpy/Iceman is the most ELITE team ever assembled.

I compare Mike Wallace to Desean Jackson. What you're gonna have to pay him to keep him won't be worth the money compared to the production.

GMoney said...

Whoa, Drew, I said BORDERLINE top 5. He is definitely a top ten guy.

Why wouldn't NE give up their 31st pick for him? I think we can all agree that he is worth WAY more than that just for finally giving Brady a deep threat. With those tight ends, the safeties won't be able to play deep and he would scorch the goddamn earth on posts. I know football. This makes way too much sense.

Antonio Brown, who I like by the way, is not even on the same level as Wallace.

The Iceman said...

Because Wallace wants paid...and New England doesn't do that unless you have a Tom and a Brady in your name.

Finally giving Brady a deep threat?? Were you in a coma while Randy Moss was catching 20 TDs in New England?

I think you lost the right to critique WR talent when you said Santonio Holmes was worth the money the Jets gave him, G$.

Brady said...

I agree that Wallace is out there to stretch the field but he seems like he is worth a late 1st rounder. Whatever he drops is more than made up for by his 1,000 yard touchdowns he routinely catches. I would definitely put him in the top 10 or 15 (and it pains me to give those meth heads credit for anything).

I knew you loved baseball Ice! Anybody catch Cabrera taking that ball to his face yesterday. I fucking LOL'd for a good 10 minutes after I saw it. He will get his RBI's and HR's this year but I guarantee he blows a few games for the kitties with his horrendous fielding. You know, wit his fat ass and all.

The Iceman said...

Did you miss the YouTube link I had in this post, Brady? It seems you did.

GMoney said...

That Moss season was five years ago and they haven't had shit for a deep threat since. So you give Wallace 5 years and 50 million or whatever the hell TB gave V-Jax...that's not that bad.

Brady, good point on Miggy. Hilarity indeed. My favorite part was that he was trying to field a routine ground ball (before the bad hop obvz) to the side. Excellent Roger Dorn OLE! bullshit impression there.

Prime99 said...

If Wallace was truly ELITE, a team would have given up their 1st rounder and grabbed him by now. Something seems fishy (like Ice's ex-co-worker?) about him not being picked up, though I think the Steelers could still match any offer.

I don't know what to think about Peyton to the Broncos, but they need to trade Tebow to a Florida team stat.

The Iceman said...

I'll hold off on my Tim Tens comments so I don't interfere with G$'s post tomorrow.

Anyone catch the Golden State fans booing the shit out of the owner every time he tried to talk last night during the Chris Mullin jersey retirement ceremony? Wonderfully done.

Grumpy said...

"Antonio Brown, who I like by the way, is not even on the same level as Wallace."

G$, you may know a lot about the NFL, but I have watched every minute of every Steelers game since 2004 and Antonio Brown is a much better receiver than Wallace. Also over 1,000 yds. last year and he makes all the tough catches; high, low, behind him, against his helmet (twice). I haven't seen Wallace make a tough catch yet.

Pats signed Stallworth yesterday. Most likely Wallace doesn't get an offer, plays next year for 2.75 mil and does a long term deal to stay.

The Iceman said...

Donte Stallworth's "get buried on this team's depth chart for a year" tour is still going strong, eh? The only downside is there aren't a lot of Mexicans to run over in Connecticut.

I guess Mr. Anonymous commenter found me funny today since i haven't heard a condescending comment from him yet.

GMoney said...

Donte Stallworth should have no impact on a team's roster construction. Ever.

It comes down to this: SHOULD the Bengals trade #21 or NE #31 for Mike Wallace? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Wallace goes against double teams and #1 corners. Brown doesn't. If I were him, and 2012 resulted in me being a Pro Bowl receiver for 2.75 million, I say FUCK YOU and I don't even consider resigning after the season.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention that I'm on Team Napoli in that "prank" dispute. That's only the type of prank that a straight-edge faggot like C.J. Wilson would think is funny. Any of those guys could tweet someone's number...but, they don't do it because it's not funny, not witty and it's a dickish move.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

For teams like that I would think that it's less about the late first round pick and more about the top 5 WR money Wallace is going to demand...because you know he will and you know that he isn't worth that kinda money.

So I shouldn't publish your number on this message board then, Drew?

Brady said...

If Pierre fucking Garcon is worth that kind of money then Mike Wallace definitely is. He is a game changer. That speed must be accounted for on every play. Even if Wallace doesn't have the big game, he probably is the reason the guy across the formation is having one.

/shoots self in head for talking Steelers this long

Anonymous said...

I don't care...there are like 15 of us here and if Grumpy were to call me after downing a handful of Landsharks I think I would enjoy it.

--Drew

Shook's Son said...

PLEEEEEEEASE post Drew's phone number. I want to turn him out.

GMoney said...

#1 wide receivers cost money. This is not news to anyone. The Patriots have ZERO speed on the outside and aren't likely to find it over the rest of the offseason.

If it costs Mike Brown 10-12 million per year to have the best WR duo ever and make your second round QB ELITE, you SHOULD do that.

I keep winning. All I do is WIN.

Prime99 said...

Warriors fans booing the owner is hilarious. Even funnier was when Rick Barry tried to demand they give Lacob respect and he got booed like he was a heel at a WWE event.

The Iceman said...

I know #1 WRs cost money. That's not what I'm debating here. I'm saying his skill set doesn't properly represent #1 WR money. The return on the investment isn't going to set your balls on fire.

Not to mention Wallace in NE never made sense because that's never been in NE's nature to pay a WR #1 WR money. Same thing in Cincy. Brown is a notoriously cheap tight wad and would never spend what it would cost. He's gonna play this year and become a free agent next year so a shit team that makes bad decisions (Browns) can bury themselves deeper into mediocrity.

Grumpy said...

How do you WIN talking about shit that SHOULD happen. I'm telling you what will happen. I WIN.

GMoney said...

You lost. You lost early today when you said that Antonio Brown is better than Mike Wallace.