Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Cocksucker First, A Father Second

Will never stop being hilarious.
I know that I promised to talk about the upcoming baseball season for the rest of this week, but I just can’t hide this exclusive story. We haven’t talked about the NBA here for awhile now although the tank race to the end of the season is heating up. Did I say “heating up”? I did. That leads me to today’s “scoop”. You may remember that a few years ago I got my hands on advanced copy of Jim Tressel’s printed abortion called, “The Winner’s Manual”. Well, fortunately for you, I was able to get my grubby paws on Dwyane Wade’s book that will not be released until September. It was very therapeutic, apparently, for #3 to write "A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger than Basketball".

By the way, the headline on ESPN’s Heat Index page is “Dwyane Wade Writes Book”. I don’t know why, but I find this incredibly amusing.

The gist of it is pretty much that he grew up poor as shit. He cultivated his skills on the playgrounds of Chicago. He went to college. He kept a diary (LOL!) and dabbled in poetry while at Marquette (DOUBLE LOL!). He got drafted by the Heat. He uses his life experiences to raise the kids that he has sole custody of. I wonder if this book is just going to be a rip-off of Paul Reiser’s “Fatherhood”. Paul Reiser…now there’s a guy that can make no one laugh. Anyway, without further Apu, here’s a small sampling of Wade’s first foray into book-writin’:

Chapter 1 – I Grew Up In a Stereotypical Home Filled with Hilarious Stereotypes like Food Stamps and Crack Rocks
Chapter 2 – I Raised Myself
Chapter 3 – Basketball Was My Only Salvation
Chapter 4 – How to Graduate from College without Going to Class
Chapter 5 – It’s Not the Best Idea for a Pro Athlete to Get Married and Have Kids at a Young Age
Chapter 6 – Boy, Did I Run Through A Ton of Non-Wife Pussy In Miami or What?
Chapter 7 – Wives Don’t Like That AND She Wanted Full Custody...What A Bitch!
Chapter 8 – Framing Your Wife as a Lunatic is Not That Hard When You’re Rich
Chapter 9 – Come Here, Son, Meet Your New Mom: Star Jones
Chapter 10 – Boys, Get Over Here and Watch Me Penetrate Gabrielle Union
Chapter 11 – Wheelchairs Aren’t Just For Cripples Anymore
Chapter 12 – Hipster Glasses and Face Band-Aids: How to Set Horrible Fashion Trends
Chapter 13 – Your Friends Are Idiots, But If You Don’t Take Advantage of Them Then Someone Else Will
Chapter 14 – Collusion Is the Best; Take That Old Jew!
Chapter 15 – When In Doubt, Always Throw Yourself a Pep Rally
Chapter 16 – When In Doubt Still, Blame LeBron
Chapter 17 - That Sure Was A Massive Failure, Wasn't It?
Chapter 18 – Epilogue: Who Spelled My Name That Way?

G$ sums up entire book in a few sentences - Wade grew up shithouse poor because his family had no skills and made poor life decisions.  His kids have a much better life because he is filthy rich.  End of awful story.

I GUARANSHEED that those first three chapters are actual themes that he uses to describe his early years. This has to be the worst book ever. Why would ANYONE take parenting advice from a professional basketball player? Honestly, I would rather read fathering stories by Karl Malone or Shawn Kemp or Lange. I hate Dwyane Wade. I hope that Dwyane Wade gets small pox or some other old timey disease.  Now who wants to talk about that HUGE Pistons/Cavs game from last night? Hello? Is this thing on?

By the way, as an aside, you really should be reading Warming Glow's Justified recaps on Wednesdays.  They actually have writers of the show answer commenter questions which is pretty bad ass.  Take yesterday for instance when I asked, "What is more delicious: Limehouse hogs or Wu's pigs?"  The Justified guy answered Limehouse hogs.  So that answers that question that keeps us all up at night.

19 comments:

Grumpy said...

All I got out of that was the Warming Glow tip, but that was worth it. Wish it would have been in the first paragraph.

Grumpy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Sorry, Grump, they can't all cater to my fans in the old folks home.

Also, if you are a stud like me and watched Conan last night, you already know that Ron Burgundy showed up to play the flute and announce that Anchorman 2 has been approved. YES!

The Pistons only won last night because Luke Harangody is back in the D-League.

Grumpy said...

Will Farrell is NOT funny.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...agreed on Farrell. He jumped the shark years ago.

I have no kids (OBVZ). Would you rather read a book written by me on parenting of D-Wade?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I would rather read a parenting book written by the Octomom (ironically has some terrible semi-nude pics hitting the net this week...DO NOT SEARCH FOR THESE, you have been warned) than Dwyane Wade. You know what, I should ghost-write a parenting book where I get stories from Cromartie and Kemp and Travis Henry and others. It would be tremendous.

OK, it's FERRELL, by the way. Sure, he is at the Jamie Moyer stage of his comedic career. I think of it this way: I don't find Mike Myers funny at all, but Austin Powers still can make me chuckle if I see it on TV. "Who does #2 work for" will ALWAYS be hilarious. Ferrell is the same way. Ron Burgundy will always make me laugh regardless of what Ferrell does in other movies. So there. All I know is that they better bring back Champ Kind. WHAMMY!

Also, in case you were unaware, I have decided to mail this site in until further notice or until Dut starts making stupid and wrong comments again. HE DID THIS TO YOU!

Prime99 said...

WHHHHAMMY!!!!

D. Wade writing a book is LOLZ. I imagine Dax Sheperd's character from "Idicracy" could write a more intellectual memiour.

The Iceman said...

This isn't surprising to me. Almost every athlete or coach writes a damn book because apparently it's sooooo easy!

I actually like Wade. He's never bothered me.

GMoney said...

Whatever, you just mad because the Pistons passed the Cavs last night. Congrats on ending your four game losing streak to the wine and gold. We'll take those better odds for Anthony Davis now, thankyouverymuch.

Brady said...

Nice! Another horrible book that I don't even have to even consider reading. I'm sure G$'s bullet points covered the finer points and I'm confident I could discuss the book at length with any other tool that actually read it.

CRACK + BASKETBALL = PROFIT

Got it!

I too think Ferrell is semi-annoying but his movies make me laugh the more I see them. I can't hate on the guy for parlaying his jackassery into millions of dollars. That's just good hustle.

Brady said...

Speaking of Conan last night G$, how fucking annoying is Dana Carvey? I feel that Conan was pitty laughing at him during the end of his interview. We get it dude. You do numerous bad impersonations and then laugh at yourself.

GMoney said...

I only watch the first two segments. Interviewing celebs is dreadful.

And Semi Pro is fucking hilarious, haters.

Prime99 said...

What's with all the hate? EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!

GMoney said...

I just noticed that The Pauly D Project premieres tonight. YEAH BUDDY!

The Iceman said...

I guess now we'll be able to see who was right about Groce.

GMoney said...

I don't know where I saw it, but I LOL'ed anyway:

You just know that some writer at the Chicago Tribune can't wait to fire off the headline "GROCE INCOMPETENCE"

This fanbase put up with Bruce Weber for however many years. It's not like Groce has big shoes to fill.

Depending on what Ohio State does on Saturday, I expect to see Jeff Boals take the job in Athens by Tuesday. It also sounds like Dave Dickerson is in play for the RedHawks gig as well. Thad better watch out or he's going to have Greg Paulus sitting right next to him and slapping the floor all the time.

Brady said...

I think Trent Richardson may have to start looking for houses in Cleveland after he fucked up our RB coach at his pro day. I'm convinced that he is our guy at #4. Of course tomorrow I may see video of Blackmon and completely change my mind.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Boals...dude is awesome. I'm sure he will do great at OU, assuming they offer him.

Dickerson seems like a good guy...he doesn't talk much though.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Boals played there and he is one the hotter names around. If OU DOESN'T offer him, they are insane.