|Will never stop being hilarious.|
By the way, the headline on ESPN’s Heat Index page is “Dwyane Wade Writes Book”. I don’t know why, but I find this incredibly amusing.
The gist of it is pretty much that he grew up poor as shit. He cultivated his skills on the playgrounds of Chicago. He went to college. He kept a diary (LOL!) and dabbled in poetry while at Marquette (DOUBLE LOL!). He got drafted by the Heat. He uses his life experiences to raise the kids that he has sole custody of. I wonder if this book is just going to be a rip-off of Paul Reiser’s “Fatherhood”. Paul Reiser…now there’s a guy that can make no one laugh. Anyway, without further Apu, here’s a small sampling of Wade’s first foray into book-writin’:
Chapter 1 – I Grew Up In a Stereotypical Home Filled with Hilarious Stereotypes like Food Stamps and Crack Rocks
Chapter 2 – I Raised Myself
Chapter 3 – Basketball Was My Only Salvation
Chapter 4 – How to Graduate from College without Going to Class
Chapter 5 – It’s Not the Best Idea for a Pro Athlete to Get Married and Have Kids at a Young Age
Chapter 6 – Boy, Did I Run Through A Ton of Non-Wife Pussy In Miami or What?
Chapter 7 – Wives Don’t Like That AND She Wanted Full Custody...What A Bitch!
Chapter 8 – Framing Your Wife as a Lunatic is Not That Hard When You’re Rich
Chapter 9 – Come Here, Son, Meet Your New Mom: Star Jones
Chapter 10 – Boys, Get Over Here and Watch Me Penetrate Gabrielle Union
Chapter 11 – Wheelchairs Aren’t Just For Cripples Anymore
Chapter 12 – Hipster Glasses and Face Band-Aids: How to Set Horrible Fashion Trends
Chapter 13 – Your Friends Are Idiots, But If You Don’t Take Advantage of Them Then Someone Else Will
Chapter 14 – Collusion Is the Best; Take That Old Jew!
Chapter 15 – When In Doubt, Always Throw Yourself a Pep Rally
Chapter 16 – When In Doubt Still, Blame LeBron
Chapter 17 - That Sure Was A Massive Failure, Wasn't It?
Chapter 18 – Epilogue: Who Spelled My Name That Way?
G$ sums up entire book in a few sentences - Wade grew up shithouse poor because his family had no skills and made poor life decisions. His kids have a much better life because he is filthy rich. End of awful story.
I GUARANSHEED that those first three chapters are actual themes that he uses to describe his early years. This has to be the worst book ever. Why would ANYONE take parenting advice from a professional basketball player? Honestly, I would rather read fathering stories by Karl Malone or Shawn Kemp or Lange. I hate Dwyane Wade. I hope that Dwyane Wade gets small pox or some other old timey disease. Now who wants to talk about that HUGE Pistons/Cavs game from last night? Hello? Is this thing on?
By the way, as an aside, you really should be reading Warming Glow's Justified recaps on Wednesdays. They actually have writers of the show answer commenter questions which is pretty bad ass. Take yesterday for instance when I asked, "What is more delicious: Limehouse hogs or Wu's pigs?" The Justified guy answered Limehouse hogs. So that answers that question that keeps us all up at night.