Tuesday, March 27, 2012

AND IT'S FREEEEEEE! FREEEEEEEEE AGENCY!

This has nothing to do with today's post...it was just too awesome to ignore.





ELITE Tom Petty reference.  With the NFL draft right around the corner, let's take some of the focus off of the Andrew Luck/RG3 deep throat competition and talk some NFL Free Agency.  I, for one, get a little sexually charged during this time of year and love the FA period.  It's a chance to speculate the monster fantasy season certain players will have based on their new team and gives me time to talk myself into the fucking terrible ass moves Cleveland makes.  \ fists own asshole.  But then baseball always comes around with their flamboyant trot and perfectly sculpted chest hair to ruin shit.  Nevertheless, I try to shield the gayness of baseball as much as I can so I'm able to fully enjoy the NFL FA period.  ESPN has already hammer-fisted the big names like Manning & such into the ground, so I'm going to speculate on some of the big names still out there.  I'll tell you where they should go and where they will go.  I can't wait to whiff on ALL of these.  At least I can take comfort in knowing that I'll never be as wrong as MuDawgFan.

Joseph Addai
Where he should go:  The fucking glue factory.  His body is made out of flaccid dicks and period blood.  Put this turbo pussy out of his misery already.  Allowing him to play again is a crime against every living thing.

Where he will go:  NY Jets.  LDT looks to finally be accepting reality that he stopped being good four years ago...around the same time most people thought he retired.  The Jets will now desperately search for another injury prone RB to split carries with Fat Face Shonn Greene and his tubbo thunder-ass.

Cedric Benson
Where he should go:  New England.  Billy Belehoodie has a reputation for taking jailhouse turds and turning them into respectable citizens/productive members of a timeshare backfield.  But I'm not sure if he wants Ced using Danny Woodhead as his prison yard cum dumpster.  Preserve Danny's tender B-hole.

Where he will go:  NY Giants.  It makes sense, right?  Replace one shit head RB with a worse shit head RB.  Plus Tom Coughlin has a sterling reputation for folding like a fucking lawn chair when no talent, dickless, loud mouth RBs complain about playing time.

Dallas Clark
Where he should go:  Cleveland.  Colt McCoy is a tight end's never ending wet dream.  Dallas Clark could be the first tight end with 200 receptions in a single season but will have to find a way to do so with perma-boner.

Where he will go:  Texans...keep it in the division.  Houston just lost Joel Dreessen to Denver (Cowturd LOVES the move) and are just left with hobbly Owen Daniels for next year.  Playing in a dome doesn't hurt either.

Ryan Grant
Where he should go:  Indianapolis where he has the chance to be a starter and actually see more than 8 carries a game and not be buried on the depth chart behind Aaron Rodgers right arm.

Where he will go:  Baltimore.  Because Notre Dame faggots lack the testicle strength to nut up and be the lead back on non playoff teams.  Expect Grant to do the pussy thing and latch onto a contender where all he is expected to do is carry the ball four times a game and fluff Ray Rice's yogurt shooter in the locker room afterwards.

Brandon Jacobs
Where he should go:  Straight to fucking hell.

Where he will go:  Hopefully a place where he doesn't play.  But truthfully...who gives a shit?  I just wanted everyone to know how much I fucking hate Brandon Jacobs.  I won't even give him credit for road killing LeRon Landry a few years ago.  Because Landry can't even get his dick hard from the steroids he injects into his ballsack veins.  I compare that hit to truck sticking a 80 year old woman with a walker coming out of a grocery store who is desperately gripping the pill bottle that is keeping her alive.

Donovan McNabb
Where he should go:  Any place he has a chance to play and be impressively awful.  Either Arizona or Kansas City smell right since the quarterbacks in place there are as trustworthy as a self prostate exam.

Where he will go:  Miami.  They CANNOT be happy with Garrard as the starter there and have shown a history of hoarding 3rd rate quarterbacks.  Does anyone really feel comfortable leaving their team in the hands of Silky Garrard?  Of course they don't.  Also, doesn't McNabb to Miami just feel like a Dolphins move?

LaDainian Tomlinson
Where he should go:  Retirement.  I think LDT can contribute more on a pregame set next year than on a football field.  Someone needs to out "gaudy black guy suit" Michael Irvin and lord knows LDT has the Texas flair to pull it off.  A little FYI...when you Google search Michael Irvin, the first auto search that comes up is Michael Irvin crack.  Tremendous.

Where he will go:  San Francisco...maybe Detroit.  Detroit could use some depth at RB and a good character guy in the locker room.  Harbaugh seems like he respects veterans like LDT and would give him one last go around on a team fairly close to his home state.  But I really think it's retirement at this point.  Sad end to a brilliant career.

Mike Wallace
Where he should go:  Steelers.  Because no one thinks he's in the same stratosphere as Larry Fitzgerald.

Where he will go:  Steelers.  Because people still haven't stopped laughing at the contract Mike Wallace is trying to get from other teams.

I learned two things today.  First...there is SHIT left for free agents.  Braylon Edwards and Jeremy Shockey almost made my list and those queerbos haven't been relevant in years.  The second thing I learned is that even the bare scraps of NFL free agent analysis is way more entertaining than talking about anything related to baseball.  I already know you all agree with me and my brilliant assessment so the comments section should be pretty bare today.  One more thing...fuck baseball.

22 comments:

Grumpy said...

I was half way into this post and confused by all the hostility. Then I remembered it's TUESDAY. Iceman brings the heat today.

I don't care about any of these guys but Wallace. I have to go tweet Dut, Prime and Brady.

GMoney said...

But what about the biggest free agent still out there: BILL PARCELLZZZZ!!!

With the money that NE wasted on Brandon Lloyd, Donte Stallworth, and Ocho (why is he still around anyway?), they could have had the ELITE Mike Wallace. Just sayin'. Eventually, you will all come around to my belief that Belichick isn't all that great.

Grump, you need to get Drew as one of your followers, too. But he only tweets nude pics of Jon Threebler.

I feel like talking baseball the next three days just to see the look on Iceman's face.

GMoney said...

Oh! Before I forget, I actually had a dream last night that the Redskins were so worried that they wouldn't get Luck or RG3 for some reason that they traded up to the #1 pick. It made no sense. All of you laughed at me. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that dreaming about the NFL Draft is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Really don't give a shit about any of those fools and didn't read any of it, except the Wallace part...also saw some mumbling about LT to Detroit.

I just came here to shoot the shit.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I am with grumpy - I was a few paragraphs in and wondering why G$ was so angry and what his obsession was with fisting everyone. Then I realized it was Tuesday. God Iceman sucks. I vote baseball the rest of the week.

Seal

Anonymous said...

G$...I don't think Grumpy can follow me. I have age limits for my followers...you can't be over 70....and you can't be under 15 (unless you're a girl)

--Drew

GMoney said...

I thought that you couldn't be between 15-70 unless you were black? You must have changed your settings or something.

Fine. I'll say it. When are we getting another NBA post!!! The Pistons are about to pass the Cavs fer chrissake!

And where is Dut? Is he turning his back on all of us? He is not better than this site. FUCK YOU!

The Iceman said...

Sorry there weren't any jokes about fucking your own sister today, Seal. I know you inbreds only care about UK basketball, incest and moonshine. I'll be better next time so that tearing you away from your Hillbilly Hand Fishin' marathon is worth it.

This morning I heard talks that the Colts are seriously considering RG3. How does that make you feel, G$? I know that you've considered making your relationship with RG3 Facebook official so this has to come to somewhat of a serious blow, right?

All these NFL coaches remind me of WWE wrestlers from the 80's. They retire because their bodies and brains are about ready to decay but then they realize that wrassslin' is all they know how to do. So then they get back into it overweight, out of shape and completely overmatched. Rick Flair is the exception.

The Iceman said...

I'd post more NBA if people would stop tossing their bloody tampons about it.

Anonymous said...

I'll admit it, I actually liked your NBA posts, Iceman.

And that is true, Kentuckians care more about UK basketball than they do their teeth.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Iceman mentions MuDawg so much that he has to have a sick sexual fetish for him. I could see a rape/murder or murder/rape some time in the near future.

The Bears already got a woman puncher and sufficiently pissed off their best player. They won't bother with the scrap heap of FAs left here, making me not care much.

Ced Benson should be in Shawshank.

GMoney said...

I'll say it: I am in love with RG3 and I want him more than Luck. And we did make it FB official as I am Facebook friends with Robert! He likes to post very general status updates. It's hilarious.

If the Colts do take RG3 (they won't), Andrew Luck is a pretty sick consolation prize. The Redskins, for the first time in 20 years, can't lose. Just like Parker Lewis. And it's why the trade that they made was awesome.

I like the analogy that head coaches are like broken down WWE wrestlers. Bill Parcells is Yokozuna.

MuDawgfan said...

Prime - ignore it, I'm not offended one bit by it.

I spend my days speaking truth to power - Iceman will just have to learn the hard way.

The Iceman said...

Well, I do have to write an update to show how my NBA regular season predictions turned out, Seal. But that will have to wait. In a week I will most likely be live blogging the National Championship game...because I lack creativity.

The Iceman said...

"The Redskins, for the first time in 20 years, can't lose. Just like Parker Lewis."


This could be the most ELITE TV show reference in the history of the MoneyShot. I definitely LOL'ed for a good 5 minutes.

Prime, I mention MuDawg so much because he makes me feel good about being wrong about stuff...you know, when it happens on those rare occasions. Plus it galvanizes Drew and I. Dawg's never been right about anything.

GMoney said...

coughallofdawgsteamsarebetterthanalloficemansteamscough

Anonymous said...

I do enjoy the MUDawg ripping.

I get very frustrated every time I see the Pistons beat a good team. I can handle them beating shitty teams like themselves...but, I don't like it when they beat any good ones. The problem is that Lawrence Frank is actually a good coach....and Greg Monroe is really freakin' good.

The Cavs and Pistons can definitely suck enough down the stretch to let the Raptors and Nets pass both of us. YES WE CAN!

--Drew

GMoney said...

What bothers me is that the Cavs have played 3 or 4 less games than most teams and that hasn't changed in like two months. We need to catch up on our losses! We still have not played our tripleheader yet!

Anonymous said...

Cavs vs. Pistons tomorrow night. Loser gets a two game swing!

--Drew

The Iceman said...

My fear is that Detroit will be just good enough to get the worst player that has to be taken as a lottery pick. I'm thinking, judging by the Joe Dumars model of mediocrity, Detroit would target a guy like Harrison Barnes with the 8th or 9th pick.

The Iceman said...

Brady hasn't shown up today yet either. Maybe him and Dut are snowballing each other.

GMoney said...

You make a good point. The site is getting a lot better.

By the way, even Southern Illinois doesn't want Bruce Weber anymore. Hilarious.