This has nothing to do with today's post...it was just too awesome to ignore.
ELITE Tom Petty reference. With the NFL draft right around the corner, let's take some of the focus off of the Andrew Luck/RG3 deep throat competition and talk some NFL Free Agency. I, for one, get a little sexually charged during this time of year and love the FA period. It's a chance to speculate the monster fantasy season certain players will have based on their new team and gives me time to talk myself into the fucking terrible ass moves Cleveland makes. \ fists own asshole. But then baseball always comes around with their flamboyant trot and perfectly sculpted chest hair to ruin shit. Nevertheless, I try to shield the gayness of baseball as much as I can so I'm able to fully enjoy the NFL FA period. ESPN has already hammer-fisted the big names like Manning & such into the ground, so I'm going to speculate on some of the big names still out there. I'll tell you where they should go and where they will go. I can't wait to whiff on ALL of these. At least I can take comfort in knowing that I'll never be as wrong as MuDawgFan.
Where he should go: The fucking glue factory. His body is made out of flaccid dicks and period blood. Put this turbo pussy out of his misery already. Allowing him to play again is a crime against every living thing.
Where he will go: NY Jets. LDT looks to finally be accepting reality that he stopped being good four years ago...around the same time most people thought he retired. The Jets will now desperately search for another injury prone RB to split carries with Fat Face Shonn Greene and his tubbo thunder-ass.
Where he should go: New England. Billy Belehoodie has a reputation for taking jailhouse turds and turning them into respectable citizens/productive members of a timeshare backfield. But I'm not sure if he wants Ced using Danny Woodhead as his prison yard cum dumpster. Preserve Danny's tender B-hole.
Where he will go: NY Giants. It makes sense, right? Replace one shit head RB with a worse shit head RB. Plus Tom Coughlin has a sterling reputation for folding like a fucking lawn chair when no talent, dickless, loud mouth RBs complain about playing time.
Where he should go: Cleveland. Colt McCoy is a tight end's never ending wet dream. Dallas Clark could be the first tight end with 200 receptions in a single season but will have to find a way to do so with perma-boner.
Where he will go: Texans...keep it in the division. Houston just lost Joel Dreessen to Denver (Cowturd LOVES the move) and are just left with hobbly Owen Daniels for next year. Playing in a dome doesn't hurt either.
Where he should go: Indianapolis where he has the chance to be a starter and actually see more than 8 carries a game and not be buried on the depth chart behind Aaron Rodgers right arm.
Where he will go: Baltimore. Because Notre Dame faggots lack the testicle strength to nut up and be the lead back on non playoff teams. Expect Grant to do the pussy thing and latch onto a contender where all he is expected to do is carry the ball four times a game and fluff Ray Rice's yogurt shooter in the locker room afterwards.
Where he should go: Straight to fucking hell.
Where he will go: Hopefully a place where he doesn't play. But truthfully...who gives a shit? I just wanted everyone to know how much I fucking hate Brandon Jacobs. I won't even give him credit for road killing LeRon Landry a few years ago. Because Landry can't even get his dick hard from the steroids he injects into his ballsack veins. I compare that hit to truck sticking a 80 year old woman with a walker coming out of a grocery store who is desperately gripping the pill bottle that is keeping her alive.
Where he should go: Any place he has a chance to play and be impressively awful. Either Arizona or Kansas City smell right since the quarterbacks in place there are as trustworthy as a self prostate exam.
Where he will go: Miami. They CANNOT be happy with Garrard as the starter there and have shown a history of hoarding 3rd rate quarterbacks. Does anyone really feel comfortable leaving their team in the hands of Silky Garrard? Of course they don't. Also, doesn't McNabb to Miami just feel like a Dolphins move?
Where he should go: Retirement. I think LDT can contribute more on a pregame set next year than on a football field. Someone needs to out "gaudy black guy suit" Michael Irvin and lord knows LDT has the Texas flair to pull it off. A little FYI...when you Google search Michael Irvin, the first auto search that comes up is Michael Irvin crack. Tremendous.
Where he will go: San Francisco...maybe Detroit. Detroit could use some depth at RB and a good character guy in the locker room. Harbaugh seems like he respects veterans like LDT and would give him one last go around on a team fairly close to his home state. But I really think it's retirement at this point. Sad end to a brilliant career.
Where he should go: Steelers. Because no one thinks he's in the same stratosphere as Larry Fitzgerald.
Where he will go: Steelers. Because people still haven't stopped laughing at the contract Mike Wallace is trying to get from other teams.
I learned two things today. First...there is SHIT left for free agents. Braylon Edwards and Jeremy Shockey almost made my list and those queerbos haven't been relevant in years. The second thing I learned is that even the bare scraps of NFL free agent analysis is way more entertaining than talking about anything related to baseball. I already know you all agree with me and my brilliant assessment so the comments section should be pretty bare today. One more thing...fuck baseball.