Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Who Hates Defense???

                     "Ever had your asshole fucked with the barrel of a 9mm?"

Holy titty twisters the NBA All Star game is nearly here!  It seems like only yesterday we started this NBA lockout shortened season.  Because it probably was almost yesterday.  You'll have to forgive me if this post goes short since I only have a few more minutes of sweet, precious life.  You see, the GF won't stop watching The Voice and the only way I knew I could stop it was by drinking a pint of bleach.  In approximately 45 short minutes I should be dead or semi-retarded.  Either way, the hurt should stop.

Most All Star games are diaper bombs filled with creamy baby shit since ingrate fans are responsible for the rosters.  MuDawgfan probably called off work one day only so he could use his eight hour shift to submit twenty thousand useless Joe Johnson votes.  And usually All Star games are about as important as G$'s high school intramural basketball team.  The Pacers?  Is that right?  You probably referred to yourself as the white Reggie Miller while cranking up 37 foot air balls, didn't you?  Don't forget to kick your legs while shooting, queer.  Who was your Rik Smits?  Naptown Wolverine?  And don't tell me no one because I know that's a lie!

Anyway...I actually like the NBA All Star game even though it's glorified street hoops with fewer black guys shouting black guy stuff that white guys don't understand into the PA microphone.  Which means I also must like G$'s Pacers.  Fuck!  How did that happen??  Must have been all that Smits talk.  But just like every other All Star team in other sports, there are always snubs and guys that don't belong...like Mo Williams three years ago.  Let's rearrange these rosters.

West Starters:
Kevin Durant
Blake Griffin
Kobe Bryant
Chris Paul
Andrew Bynum

As much as I love watching Blake Griffin's personal mission to give every last player in the league a taste of his salty sacked lunch, I don't think he should be a starter.  Put him as a reserve and throw Kevin Love in there.  The dude is top 5 in scoring and in rebounding.  What more does Love have to do to be a starter?  Be black apparently.  Second...get Andrew Bynum the fuck off that roster completely.  He's the 3rd best player on his team and the 2nd best center.  Even if Pau Gasol is really a Nordic woman.

If the only reason Bynum is on there is because he's a loose cannon then I would put Demarcus Cousins on that team over Bynum.  First, Cousins has done almost exactly what Bynum has stat wise this year (minus the blocks but who cares because that 7 foot tall woman with a beard on the Lakers can block shots almost as well as he gives life scarring nightmares to young children).  Second, Cousins is a complete shit show and is a lock to do something unforgettably dumb.  Why not spice up All Star weekend with a little chemically induced craziness?  Sign me up.

Reserves I would remove:  Marc Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker.  Boooooo foreigners!
Snubs I would add:  Al Jefferson, David Lee, Monta Ellis.  Amurrrrrica!

East starters:
Carmelo Anthony
Lebron James
Derrick Rose
Dwyane Wade
Dwight Howard

Three players from the same team should never be on an All Star team.  That's just fuckin bagy as shit.  I know that the Heat have this super team and everything...but when you do what they did, on top of the world hating you more than a terrorist, you sacrifice things like All Star roster spots.  Those are my rules and that means Dwyane Wade is gone and at home to soak his vagina in an Epsom salt bath.  If you've had problems staying on the court in the first 30 games, you probably shouldn't be doing things like All Star games anyway.

I'm not trying to get all Colon Cowturd on you here, but Deron Williams should totes be starting this game over Derrick Rose.  HOLY SHIT!  The pint of bleach is really starting to kick in.  That really can't be the reserves for the Eastern Conference.  Just looking at that slop pile brings me to teary laughter.  Is the East really that fuckin bad?  This is the worst bench ever assembled.  Period.  How many dicks did Roy Hibbert have to suck to make this roster?  Way to parlay that Parks and Rec cameo into an All Star berth, dick face.  Andre Iguodala is ELITE at underbites and shooting threes by the truckload despite the fact he's a career 32% assassin from deep.  I guess 12PPG makes you an All Star these days.  I would rather see Iggy challenge LaMichael James to a "Who can chew through this car door faster" contest that watch him go 2 for 19 in the All Star game.  What a fuckin joke.

Reserves I would remove: Hibbert, Iggy, Luol Deng.  GTFO
Snubs I would add: Greg Monroe, Kyrie Irving, Danny Granger...because if Luol Fucking Deng is an All Star than so is Danny Granger, God Dammit this roster fucking sucks.

The East is going to get beat by 100.  That's my final assessment.  I'm in Dayton tomorrow for work so you girls play nice without me in the comment section.  And fuck you, Brady.  I'll write about basketball whenever I fuck I want.  I can already hear the menstruation before you even read this post, ya girl.  Happy Tuesday, fuck sticks.


Anonymous said...

Greg Monroe is ELITE!


GMoney said...

Varejao > Monroe

I have no problem with Hibbert though because the Pacers need to have someone there and Granger is regressing with his team's newfound success.

Don't you goddamn DARE talk about our intramural team without addressing us as sir. Naptown Wolverine was not on the team. Our Rik Smits was probably Hoffman. We won a title. A TITLE!

I ate at Charley's Cheesesteaks (or whatever comes after Charley's) last night before a meeting and HOLY SHIT was it amazing. About ten times better than Penn Station. Yeah, I said it. Damman says that there is one on campus but I went to the one on Henderson. It gets my stamp of approval. ELITE sandwich.

Brady said...

Ugh... Basketball Tuesday. You weren't kidding when you said you were going to do this Iceman?

I'll just highlight my two favorite quotes.

"You probably referred to yourself as the white Reggie Miller while cranking up 37 foot air balls, didn't you? Don't forget to kick your legs while shooting, queer."

"I actually like the NBA All Star game even though it's glorified street hoops with fewer black guys shouting black guy stuff that white guys don't understand into the PA microphone."

Excellent work on using "queers" and "black guys" today!

Grumpy said...

Seriously, is every Tuesday going to be NBA shit, because I'll just shoot myself now.

Anonymous said...

Last time I checked, Monroe isn't sitting out weeks with a limp wrist like Varejao is. Also, Monroe is currently # 5 on the player rater in my fantasy league. Varejao is # 26.

Monroe 21 years old to his 29 too.

Monroe>Varejao and it's not even close.

There has been a Charley's on high street for years.


Anonymous said...

The NBA sucks balls.

Didn't you write about the NBA last week? I think there should be a once a month NBA limit.


GMoney said...

Andy helps his team win a lot more than Monroe does (or at least he did). Go have your fatnasy stats where Drew Gooden isn't completely worthless like he actually is. In the long haul, give me Monroe, but not yet.

I was an ELITE combo guard (by that I mean, I ate at least 4 bags of Combos before every game). Three pointers weren't really my game, but I was quite the cerebral assassin on the intramurals floor.

Drew, I had never heard of Charley's until a few weeks ago. Normally I would whine about spending 12 bucks on a sandwich combo but they could have charged me 30 for what I was given last night.

GMoney said...


He said that he wasn't going to be around to defend himself so we might as well take our shots.

Brady said...

I feel like the Moneyshot should have some kind of pool going for the upcoming toxicology report for Whitney Houston.

Number of drugs? Percentage of the most prevalent drug? Did she have a legit prescription for the cocktail of pharmy's in her system?

There has to be some way to gamble on this right?

Brady said...

By the way, Mike and Mike is NOT ELITE today. They are playing their favorite Jeremy Lin songs off the internet. God I hate February.

Anonymous said...

Brady...Mike and Mike are never ELITE.

I'm gonna go with she was drinking, took xanax...fell asleep in bathtub and drowned. I'm gonna keep it simple.

I had a tremendous meal last night as well. Went to Gallo's Kitchen and Bar on Fishinger off of Riverside. Absolutely delicious food. Had a phenomenal crawfish pasta appetizer that was half off due to happy hour, a heavily flavored grilled cajun sandwich and three Troeg's Hopback Amber drafts. It was an ELITE meal.


The Iceman said...

It was either NBA or the return of Randy Moss, Damman. Not much goes on in February.

I knew it was a good idea to do random comment checks. I AM NOT A FAGGOT! I'M A PERSON GOD DAMMIT!

Jeez...lotta basketball haters out there considering how many of us were basketball players. Walt Behrman steal your innocence and your love for basketball, Damman?

Anonymous said...

I'd rather get trampled by a bull at the rodeo than read this shit on Tuesday's! Can we have drinking story Tuesday or something more creative than this? My friends at the rodeo say git-er-done, iceman!

Sorry for not defending myself yesterday. I was too busy working in the morning and by the time I read the comments there was too much to respond to... So I gave you silence.

I would have rather gone to the rodeo than a meaningless Cbj game.


GMoney said...

Yeah, Dut, we're still going to need details regarding WHY.

Behrman is on Facebook. That is all.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm a little late on this one, but did anyone suggest the UrbanTaker?

Urbantaker and Hokamania has some classic battles back in the day.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

My dad mentioned he wanted to go to a rodeo a while ago.. And this was also his 60th bday, so we went. By the way, he is also a loyal reader, so you can send your birthday wishes on the comments.

I got into a debate with someone this weekend. They tried to tell me that the phrase "n*gger-rigged" and n*ggered" is not racist and are common phrases. Being stuck in the corporate world daily like I am, I argued against this. Can anyone help settle this debate?


Brady said...

I would argue that "n*gger-rigged" is way more openly used than "n*ggered" but both are racist. If you have to look around before you use a phrase, it's probably not socially acceptable these days.

GMoney said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROG!!! If you wanted to see a rodeo then I guess that's fine by me. Dut, you are off the hook for this one.

"n*gger-rigged" - not cool as it implies that that was how a black guy would do something
"n*ggered" - Are you kidding? People say this? Don't say this in public ever.
"niggardly" - Actually OK to use and quite fun to use in fact.

I hope that helps.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely those are both racist terms.

Also, is Iceman saying that faggots aren't real people? I confused.


The Iceman said...

I don't know what I'm saying, Drew. I woke up at 530 am so I could drive 160 miles for a meeting I don't need to be in. Cut me some slack.

Mr. Ace said...

Tim Hardaway Jr found his mojo. B1G Championship.

So who all will be attending the "Ribfest" and who all is going to the hockey game? I need deets.

I made fried veggie corn dogs last night. Dipped the veggie dogs in soy milk, rolled them in flour, bread crumbs, and spices, and fried those fuckers. Smothered them in melted rice cheese...Best hot dog ever.

The Iceman said...

Count me in for ribfest but questionable for the hockey game.

Now I think Ape is just asking for it...

GMoney said...

I wish that it was possible to ban commenters.

OBVZ, I'm in for ribs, hockey, and getting kicked out of Kahoots for being too grabby.

Anonymous said...

I'm in for all festivities at ribfest. Maybe we should just eat at Kahoots? They make a great steak.. I'm sure they make great ribs too! I think that would also mean that private dances are paid for by grumpy as well??

I think something is wrong with ace.


GMoney said...

I will agree with you that the steak at Kahoots is legit. Not ELITE, but good enough.

The Iceman said...

The steak is good because its grilled with the tears of naked, single moms left with no other options but to jiggle their tits for your hard earned dime. Desperation is soooooo delicious.

Deron said...

Josh Smith got robbed, but there are snubs every year. I’m just glad to see new blood in the All-Star game; a handful of players have dominated the selections over the last 10 years or so.