Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Holy titty twisters the NBA All Star game is nearly here! It seems like only yesterday we started this NBA lockout shortened season. Because it probably was almost yesterday. You'll have to forgive me if this post goes short since I only have a few more minutes of sweet, precious life. You see, the GF won't stop watching The Voice and the only way I knew I could stop it was by drinking a pint of bleach. In approximately 45 short minutes I should be dead or semi-retarded. Either way, the hurt should stop.
Most All Star games are diaper bombs filled with creamy baby shit since ingrate fans are responsible for the rosters. MuDawgfan probably called off work one day only so he could use his eight hour shift to submit twenty thousand useless Joe Johnson votes. And usually All Star games are about as important as G$'s high school intramural basketball team. The Pacers? Is that right? You probably referred to yourself as the white Reggie Miller while cranking up 37 foot air balls, didn't you? Don't forget to kick your legs while shooting, queer. Who was your Rik Smits? Naptown Wolverine? And don't tell me no one because I know that's a lie!
Anyway...I actually like the NBA All Star game even though it's glorified street hoops with fewer black guys shouting black guy stuff that white guys don't understand into the PA microphone. Which means I also must like G$'s Pacers. Fuck! How did that happen?? Must have been all that Smits talk. But just like every other All Star team in other sports, there are always snubs and guys that don't belong...like Mo Williams three years ago. Let's rearrange these rosters.
As much as I love watching Blake Griffin's personal mission to give every last player in the league a taste of his salty sacked lunch, I don't think he should be a starter. Put him as a reserve and throw Kevin Love in there. The dude is top 5 in scoring and in rebounding. What more does Love have to do to be a starter? Be black apparently. Second...get Andrew Bynum the fuck off that roster completely. He's the 3rd best player on his team and the 2nd best center. Even if Pau Gasol is really a Nordic woman.
If the only reason Bynum is on there is because he's a loose cannon then I would put Demarcus Cousins on that team over Bynum. First, Cousins has done almost exactly what Bynum has stat wise this year (minus the blocks but who cares because that 7 foot tall woman with a beard on the Lakers can block shots almost as well as he gives life scarring nightmares to young children). Second, Cousins is a complete shit show and is a lock to do something unforgettably dumb. Why not spice up All Star weekend with a little chemically induced craziness? Sign me up.
Reserves I would remove: Marc Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker. Boooooo foreigners!
Snubs I would add: Al Jefferson, David Lee, Monta Ellis. Amurrrrrica!
Three players from the same team should never be on an All Star team. That's just fuckin bagy as shit. I know that the Heat have this super team and everything...but when you do what they did, on top of the world hating you more than a terrorist, you sacrifice things like All Star roster spots. Those are my rules and that means Dwyane Wade is gone and at home to soak his vagina in an Epsom salt bath. If you've had problems staying on the court in the first 30 games, you probably shouldn't be doing things like All Star games anyway.
I'm not trying to get all Colon Cowturd on you here, but Deron Williams should totes be starting this game over Derrick Rose. HOLY SHIT! The pint of bleach is really starting to kick in. That really can't be the reserves for the Eastern Conference. Just looking at that slop pile brings me to teary laughter. Is the East really that fuckin bad? This is the worst bench ever assembled. Period. How many dicks did Roy Hibbert have to suck to make this roster? Way to parlay that Parks and Rec cameo into an All Star berth, dick face. Andre Iguodala is ELITE at underbites and shooting threes by the truckload despite the fact he's a career 32% assassin from deep. I guess 12PPG makes you an All Star these days. I would rather see Iggy challenge LaMichael James to a "Who can chew through this car door faster" contest that watch him go 2 for 19 in the All Star game. What a fuckin joke.
Reserves I would remove: Hibbert, Iggy, Luol Deng. GTFO
Snubs I would add: Greg Monroe, Kyrie Irving, Danny Granger...because if Luol Fucking Deng is an All Star than so is Danny Granger, God Dammit this roster fucking sucks.
The East is going to get beat by 100. That's my final assessment. I'm in Dayton tomorrow for work so you girls play nice without me in the comment section. And fuck you, Brady. I'll write about basketball whenever I fuck I want. I can already hear the menstruation before you even read this post, ya girl. Happy Tuesday, fuck sticks.