Tuesday, February 21, 2012

So You Hate the NBA, Eh?

                  "Sure.  I would love to go to a Maroon 5 concert. But first..."



Disclaimer in case any of these people end up dead:  This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken literally in any way, shape or form.  It is merely for entertainment purposes only within a group of degenerate assholes with a disgusting since of humor.  Again...I do not plan to harm any of the individuals mentioned so lighten the fuck up.

Alright.  Because most of you are crybaby faggots who can't handle a few NBA posts without pissing in your Huggies, I guess I'll cave and write something a little more reader friendly.  Sorry to disappoint Brady, but this isn't a post about which Ohio recruit looks the best completely naked.  Go fulfill your sick sexual desire for seventeen year old boys elsewhere.  Drew can hook you up with some links.

This post is about sweet, delicious blind violence.  Just straight up murdering fuckers who totes deserve it for reasons that can only be justified in my head.  We all have that list of people tucked safely away in the crazy part of our brains who we would like to do terrible shit to.  Today is your chance to let the insane out for a nice afternoon walk in the park.  Real or fictional people are in play here so let's see who you hate the most in the comment section.  But first...Here's my list.

5.  Flo from the Progressive commercials.  I fucking HATE this bitch with every fiber of my body.  I punched a wall once because of this worthless whore.  Not really...but I thought really, really hard about it.  When any Progressive commercial comes on in my car I violently shut the radio off and drive in silence with my jaw clenched for a good 5 miles thinking about how amazing it would feel to strangle the life from this woman.  That's between 50 and 100% true.  I want to make sure that I don't accidentally catch the tail end of her caustic fucking babble.  If I ever see this bitch in public it's gonna take a heavy force to hold back the vaginal uppercut I've been warming up for her.

4.  Adam Levine.  Whenever I hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" I black out completely and instantly.  When I finally come to, the room I'm in is completely destroyed and there is always at least one dead animal that's been skinned with blood on the walls spelling out something in some undecipherable dead language.  GOD!  I fucking hate this guy.  If I ever snapped one day from constant exposure to this band that is certain to be played on repeat in my version of Hell, I would imagine I would stab this son of a bitch at least 47 times.  How anyone can enjoy this band is fully beyond me.  If you like a vocalists who sounds like he's choking himself with his own mother's dirty stripper thong, then saddle up!  Because this asshole is Fozzy Bear with his testicles firmly secured in a C-clamp.  P.S. Fuck you very much for The Voice.  Go drown yourself in Christina Aguilera's belly fat.

3.  Jim Kushlan.  This one is for me...well, and Brady.  Because we're the only one's who are forced to put up with this fucking vaginal discharge of a sports journalist on a daily basis.  He's a local guy who probably let the owner of the radio station watch him get fucked by a broomstick in order to lock down a job.  Just use your imagination while I fillet this fucktard.  There is no bigger pussy on the planet than this guy.  He's fucking clown shoes.  Wanna hear a grown ass man completely change his opinion on a sports topic in about two God Damn seconds in order to always be in agreement with the host?  Look no further than this stuttering anus wart.  It's probably actually a good thing that he has no back bone.  That way he can bend over and effectively chow his own snatch since no one else will come within 20 feet of this fucking troll.  Kushlan sounds like he smells like a bag of cooked sour kraut.  Looking at his picture confirms it.  Worst.  Show.  Ever.

2.  The "That's So __ Seconds Ago" guys.  Well...I mean, all of them can die for all I care because they're all fucking terrible ass people for agreeing to shoot such a stupid commercial for an even shittier cell phone company.  But specifically, the two original assholes at the football game with their beaks jammed into their smart phones trying to find a way to have a sexual relationship with them.  Hey.  Here's an idea.  Pocket the phone and at go interact with something not controlled by a fucking battery.  Go spark up a conversation with a girl so you can start your 8 month plan of moving out of your parents house.  But take it slow guys.  I wouldn't want the first sign of actual cleavage that isn't seen on your smart phone to suck so much blood into your cock that it explodes your heart.  Oh wait.  Yes, I do want that actually.

1.  Anderson Varejao.  If you need a reminder of why this guy deserves to die just watch this.  Just typing that name ups the temperature of my skin five degrees.  I think jail would be a pretty decent consolation prize knowing that I've done Americans across the nation a great service.  Shit...I doubt I would even do time murdering someone so despicable.  Here's my question, though.  WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU STOP TOUCHING EVERYONE??  Jesus Christ!  Have you seen this fuckin guy on the court with his team mates?  It's like he's constantly torched on ecstasy.  Kyrie Irving nails a 15 footer and Varejao is trying to feel him up for the next 90 feet down the court.  Maybe it's customary in Brazil to be a raging homosexual on the basketball court but in America doing things like grab assing your team mates and touching another man's nipples are completely off limits.  Keep your fucking hands to yourself you disgusting Brazilian grope machine.  Go back to doing ridiculous shit like this and giving lustful gazes that showcase your longing desire for boners...like this.

There you go.  A list of worthy candidates to face justified homicide.  I know this mildly rips off G$'s hate post from last week but this is what you get when you piss and moan about my NBA posts.  You get meaningless rants about people I would possibly murder if given the chance.  I hope you're happy...it's gonna take a couple month of therapy to cage this aggression.  Let's end on a happy note.  Watch this.  That bitch Varetwat doesn't even budge with a direct cock shot which further proves my point that Andy is flat like a Ken doll...or he has a vagina.  A big bushy rotten whore vagina.  Fitting for someone who shoots like a girl and acts like a cunt.  Enjoy.

54 comments:

Grumpy said...

Why aren't the "That's So ______Seconds Ago" guys at least wearing team colors? They look like they dropped in from a lumberjack convention.

GMoney said...

And shame on that tiger that they stole for not ripping their stupid, smug faces off. What kind of a tiger just lets two assholes take him?

Shame on YOU, Iceman. I was expecting a full-fledged "SUCK MY COCK" post after Saturday's night win over Ohio. You know the one, right? The game where Ohio proved that they have a very very small chance at making the Final Four this year. There will be no net cutting in Ohio this year.

You so jell of Andy. SO JELLY.

Maybe today we can get that Pryor story...as long as the facts have been checked first obvz.

Anonymous said...

Andy is and always will be more valuable to ANY NBA team than any player on the Pistons.

Seal

GMoney said...

Exactly, Seal, there is a reason why every contender wants him (even with a bad wing). There is also a reason why no other GM has called Joe Dumars in the last 5 years.

It only took one Melo Yello to kill off Linsanity. Good job, Carmelo! Way to lose to Kris Humphries (who would definitely appear somewhere near the top of my hate 5).

The Iceman said...

Never expect things from me. In most cases I'll do my best to let you down. Besides...I really didn't feel like hearing excuses about how Ohio was "robbed" out of what was rightfully theirs while fake basketball fans (Brady) pretend to be outraged over such a travesty! And we already knew Ohio wasn't making it past the sweet 16 this year. And we also already knew that SULLY disappears in big games.

It doesn't surprise me that a guy who would take a dick in the ass from Calipari staunchly supports Varepuss. I would suggest go back to taking Andy's tiny baby dick in your mouth Seal...but after watching that video we all know he doesn't have one.

MuDawgfan said...

People who say "totes" and "jelly" instead of totally and jealous.

Anonymous said...

Good one, buddy. Your terrible gay jokes about me and Andy doesnt make the players on Detroit any better. Andy is better than you.

Varepuss? Really? Come on, homo - you cant come up with a better name than that? God you suck.

Seal

The Iceman said...

And there's also a reason why he continues to rot away in Cleveland G$...well a combination of two things. First, GMs finally come to their senses. Second, Gilbert, Varejao and whoever his fuck face agent is think he's an ELITE player and ask for ELITE compensation. Teams don't pay out for mediocre players or "hustle guys". They can usually fill that hole with a D league player for a fraction of the cost.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the Buckeyes proved that on Saturday G$. On a neutral court this year OSU would have won every game they have played this year except for the MSU game...and sometimes shitty games happen. Still a beast of a team to deal with for anybody and IF the team can make some threes, then they can blow real good teams out. It's all in the matchups.


People I would like to kill...

*Tim Coverdale -- He was a piece of shit ginger Hoosier basketball player from about ten years ago. He was a huge cocksucker and would get pwned by Brent Darby (R.I.P). He would talk a ton of shit and was just terrible. I would like to see him get death by rape.

*Tom Creanpie -- Another dirty Hoosier. I despise this man. I'd liek to see him climb through a pit of used syringes like in one of those SAW movies.


*John Calipari -- Slime. I'd like to scalp him.

*Dick Vitale -- Annoying piece of shit that routinely sucks off Notre Dame football, Duke basketball and any coach with an Italian last name no matter how dirty of people they are. Shotgun blast right through his good eye.

*Brett Favre -- For too many reasons. I'd like to do this one myself. Maybe choke him to death with wrangler jeans, while he has expired cheese curds stuck up his nose.

*Claude Lemieux -- I'd like to bash his face in with an aluminum baseball bat until he's dead.

*Corey Perry -- Anaheim Duck for those that don't recognize -- I'd like to hammer pieces of bamboo up under his fingernails.

I'm sure that I have more.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

This isn't about Detroit. This is about how terrible your boyfriend is.

Hes better than me? Are you serious? No shit he's better than me you fucking dolt. Are you in 3rd grade? Is your dad gonna beat up my dad?

Anonymous said...

People that overvalue/blow Anderson Varejao are pathetic humans and probably deserve to die as well.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

1. Jose Valverde
2. Hines Ward
3. Hats off to Dawg, people who say totes and jelly
4. Jerome Harrison
5. John Sterling
6. Jim Edmonds
7. Zach Novak
8. Roger Clemens
9. Lloyd Carr
10. Jose Mesa

These are in no particular order. Just off the top of my head.

Well done Iceman. See, Tuesdays without the NBA are much better.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Shit, I obviously meant James Harrison not shitty Browns RB Jerome Harrison.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

People that say their team would win every game on a neutral court but one deserve to die. What an ignorant fucking comment.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I forgot Tom Crean as well. He would definitely make my kill list.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Drew, talented, yes, but you've gone pretty much all year without being able to shoot from outside. I can't see how it all comes together in March against ELITE teams. Imagine how strange this team is going to be next year with Sullinger and DeShaun and Buford all possibly (Sully and Thomas should go pro) in the NBA?

Varejao leads the world in HEART! He plays basketball like it should be played. And he doesn't really flop anymore which is nice to see. That had a tendency to be annoying. Just ask Simmons (for as awful as he has become, his NBA articles are still top notch) what the starting price is for Andy's services. It begins with 2 first round picks. So eat shit. CAVS GONNA FUCK THE PISTONS TONIGHT! TOTES!!!

Also deserving to die: the guy that plays Jean Ralphio. Douchebag.

The Iceman said...

Drew, that was an ELITE Saw reference. Partial Old school list...not bad.

Damman, it's okay to add Jerome to that list for the cock tease he gave Browns fans 2 years ago at the end of the season.

I'm also not a Zach Novak fan. He was a 2 star nobody who shoots too much and cheap shots when refs aren't looking. For how many games he's been "responsible" for winning, he's lost twice as many for Michigan. See how objectivity works, Seal? Try it on for a change.

Anonymous said...

Even as an Ohio State fan, I do not see how this team gets past the 3rd round. I wouldn't even be surprised if they get eliminated in the 2nd round. It has become painfully obvious that OSU has no offensive consistency. If they get a few teams in a row that they can play up tempo and run on then they will have a good shot to keep advancing. However, if they play a low tempo team that can matchup well inside, then OSU will be bowing out early. Unless Buford decides to act like a senior or Craft decides to actually make more than 2 drives to the basket per game, OSU is looking at an early exit in the tourney.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Seal...if we killed people for ignorant comments, you and MUDawg would have died over 5 years ago.

The only team in the country that I think would have a better record than MSU in the Big Ten right now (best conference in America by far) would be Kentucky. That's why I think you can't just say OSU isn't making the Sweet 16. For shits and giggles I looked at yesterday's bracketology and I thought OSU's matchups were way easier than they were last year as the # 1 seed. It's all in the matchups.

G$...You cray cray if you think Thomas "should go pro". I think he'd possibly go undrafted. His best case scenario is to come back next year, be "the man" and possibly lead the conference in scoring...and then bolt on that momentum.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I'll read Simmons when I want to hear about how tortured Boston fans are with their multiple sports titles in the last decade and how ELITE every last role player on the Celtics is.

GMoney said...

if we killed people for ignorant comments

You might be on to something.

Drew, I think that DeShaun has a much more pro-style game than he does a college game. I'll tell you what, if DeQuan Cook can leave after his frosh year and get picked in the early 2nd, then Mac From Night Court can leave after year 2 and go in the middle to late first. Dude could be instant offense off the bench immediately for a team that needs it (with two late first rounders like the Lakers). But if he stays and is THEE GUY, Ohio is going to be a .500 team next year.

Where you been, Li'l Strut?

The Iceman said...

When I watched Ohio vs. Purdue one of the announcers said Billium Buford was going to be a fine pro. I LOL'ed for 7 straight minutes.

Brady said...

I need something to root for in February so why not follow the states preiminent basketball program? I like basketball. I played in high school and have been to numerous college and pro games. The sport just doesn't hold a candle to the NFL and MLB. That's all. I fully support and follow the OSU Buckeyes and will be rooting hard in March for them to succeed.

On Saturday, out of the 5 charges called, MAYBE 2 of them were legit. Then there were the 3 or 4 non calls on the other end that enabled Michigan to keep their lead. All of these are FACTS. It's cool though. Good win.

My top 3:
Mark May- I hate this fucking retard so much it hurts. He is obviously encouraged my ESPN to rile up one of the biggest and baddest fan bases in sports... OSU. His arguements defy logic and are always transparent in their motivation. Go eat a bag of dicks faggot. It's not our fault you lost 72-0 against the bucks when you played for Pitt.

Hines Ward- Damman beat me to it. He is a crack back blocking, cheap shottin' pussy. I am getting nothing but joy watching him beg for his job like a little bitch. Have some fucking pride brah. You are pathetic.


Mike Hart- The cockiest little slut that never won anything. I can sleep all the way through the night to this day because he never beat Ohio State. If you talked to him however, you would've thought they went undefeated. HOw is that career as a gay porn fluffer going for you? You are the perfect size for the job so I bet you're really excelling at your career!

Prime99 said...

Brady Quinn's dropping hot ones on Tim Tenor in a GQ story, which reminds me- Quinn should be on the list (even before his comments.)

Tony Larussa. Tommy Lasorda. But NOT Enrico Palanzzo.

Brady said...

Ice, Jim Kushlan is pretty lame but there is no way he is worse than Norm Wamer. If you like guys who laugh at their own jokes and sound like they have a deviated spetum then Norm is your guy.

Prime, I heard that Brady Quinn shit on Cowherd today and laughed my ass off. How could Brady fucking Quinn think he deserved any kind of playing time? What a tool. Even though Hillis came back down to earth this past season it is still the best trade ever.

GMoney said...

Brady, you make one very good point in that college refs are absolutely horseshit at calling the block/charge. I thought that adding the half circle under the hoop would help, but it doesn't.

Yet your argument is worthless when your team scores 51 points.

If you want to root for the best program in Ohio, drive down 75 and watch Xavier!

Still waiting on Dutford...

The Iceman said...

Nice backhanded compliment Pat Forde...I mean, Brady. Maybe you and Marshall Faulk can go hang out in a room together find ways to discredit awesome things like porn, pizza and ice cream. It's not the refs fault Ohio was 1 for 70 from three point range. Grow up.

Anonymous said...

G$....Xavier's not even a lock to make the tourney. Come on son.

I have not seen one mock draft site that even has Thomas as a second round pick. He's not an ELITE athlete by any means...not a good ball-handler...and plays terrible defense. He is a good offensive rebounder, decent shooter and has amazing touch around the basket. Daequan was a 1st round pick too. I'd be very surprised if Thomas got drafted, due to his lack of athleticsm.

It's all about who gets hot in March and the matchups...that's why they call it the madness.

BRADY....GREAT call on Mark May. I just slapped myself in the face for not thinking of him. He'd' be first or second on my list. I'd like to put on a special OSU klan outfit while I killed him.

Also, I'm sure everyone would like to kill Craig James.

--Drew

Brady said...

First off, calling me Pat Forde is grounds for a fight. I completely forgot about him. I still can't believe he was at Campus Quarters a few years back and I didn't get the chance to tell him off.

Michigan shot the lights out and Ohio St. couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. These are all facts which means those bullshit charge's and non calls by the "refs" were that much more important. Two of the worst charge calls nullified a three pointer and a layup. Then the hacks down low that weren't called led to easy fast break points by TTUN.

I'm not saying there weren't some calls that could've gone the other way too but that shit provided at least a 10 point swing over the course of the game. Whatevs. Season series is tied. See you in the tourney on a neutral court.

Anonymous said...

G$,

I just started a new job and have been really busy. Don't worry, I have still been reading every day, but just have not had enough time for my long, well argued, and gramatically correct comments.

Where the hell is Dut. I have been waiting since Friday for this story about TP.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Yeah...Michigan sure did shoot the lights out when it came to 2 foot layups and dunks...you know, where the majority of their points came from. Try playing defense and keeping them out of the lane first before you default to finger pointing the refs. Check Michigans 3pt % for that game. Pretty hilarious. The refs didn't lose that game. Ohios poor defense and worse shooting did. Next time be prepared, asshole. Michigan isn't the pushover they used to be.

Brady said...

I didn't say anything about 3 point %. Michigan shot a full 10% better from the floor than OSU. Your layups and dunks came almost exclusively from hack jobs that weren't called on the other end of the floor. It's pretty easy to run and gun when half of the Buckeye team is still on the floor from the raping they took on the other end.

All it takes is Buford or Sully having a semi-decent game and we win by 10. But they didn't so you won. I will give props to that little point guard you got out of Columbus (shocking that Michigan has to go to Ohio to get their players... that NEVER happens). The tourney will be a different ball game.

The Iceman said...

I know you really don't believe that Brady. Because if you knew anything you would know that Michigan is a half court team that wears you down with motion and pick and roll. But you're right...Michigan's layups and dunks were from a transition type offense they NEVER run. Good call.

The Iceman said...

And its not Michigans fault Ohio can't secure the talent in their own back yard even when his best friend and teammate is a Buckeye. Don't fault Michigan for being opportunistic, crucify your own staff for being irresponsible and negligent.

The Iceman said...

*high school teammate.

GMoney said...

Brady, your arguments are terrible and the fact that you are still butt-hurt over the game is TOTES LOL. Whining about the officiating is the cuntiest move to ever cunt. Suck it up, stop making excuses, quit the "whatevs" crap, and admit that Iceman's penis fits perfectly in your mouth hole.

Back to Andy though, dude plays "winning" basketball. I will not tolerate any ill words in his direction.

I wish that I could that I banned Dut from commenting, but in reality, he's just being a faggot. MAKE WITH THE TP "DO YOU H8 ME STORY" ALREADY!!!

Anonymous said...

"crucify your own staff for being irresponsible and negligent."

This is false. Burke was a late bloomer who was once a PSU verbal...and had shitty offers other than that. OSU took Craft and then Shannon Scott, who was a top 50 player and had offers from tons of premiere program. Unfortunately, Scott seems to play completely scared so far and definitley is being outdone by Burke. But, your characterization of the situation for how they recruited is way over teh top.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Just got done eating at Lafayette Coney Island in Detroit. Fucking ELITE.

The Iceman said...

The fact remains, Drew, that Brady has no grounds for bitching about Burke at Michigan no matter how it went down. He's like a woman...bitching for the sake of bitching.

Anonymous said...

Fair enough...I'm not bitching about Burke at Michigan. Hell, Burke doesn't even play the "disrespect" card when talking about OSU. He seems to understand how the process worked and obviuosly it worked out very well for him in the end. I'm just saying that I just don't think the OSU staff were "negligent".

I love coney islands in Detroit.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh....and fuck Dut. This is getting ridiculous.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Sorry for being delinquent with my most recent TP adventure. Also, I'm impressed that lil strut has been waiting since Friday.. Considering it didn't happen until Sunday at 1:30 AM!

So I walk into a bar in downtown Columbus, called sushi rock. The place is packed and was a pretty wild party. Immediately I notice my boy, Terrelle Pryor, standing near the bar talking to people because he is really f'n tall and stands out. I then announced to the group of people I was with that TP is in da house! I walked over to talk to Pryor with a friend and start talking to him. Terrelle and i introduce ourselves to each other, shake hands, and Terrell's first question is "dat yo girlfriend?"  I was caught off guard, and hesitated a bit, but I said "yes."  Terrelle then introduces us to his "n*gga", Jordan hall, and makes it a point to tell us that he's the running back for Ohio state. We then talk for about 10 minutes while we're waiting on the shots that are supposed to be coming for us. Some key conversation points:

*terrelle asked me if I hated him because of what happened (I'm not sure if he was referring to our confrontation at the Stube or for ruining Jim tressel)
*terrelle has no clue who commenter Daniel is
*terrelle admittedly loves cars
*terrelle proves to my friend that he used to play for osu by showing us a picture of him in an osu uni ( which makes no sense because we never questioned who he was)
*terrelle asks me if my friend is my girlfriend another 3 times (I said yes)
*Terrelle pretends to care about me- asking where i went to school, what i do now, what i studied in school
*Terrelle tells me he lives in Oakland now, but is back in Cbus 'visiting n*ggas'
*Terrelle asks if he's buying the shots or if I am... I say I don't care, and point out that he makes a lot more $$ than I do
 
We never got any service, and after a while TP and Jordo left the bar.  It's safe to say that TP and I patched things up after a rocky start

Dit

The Iceman said...

Yeah...fuck Dut. Let's all team up on him so he knows how shitty of a person he is for keeping this story to himself.

GMoney said...

That is hilarious, Dut. I'm glad that you were able to patch things up with your n*gga. I also am a huge fan of you referencing commenter Daniel. Today, good sir, YOU ARE ELITE!

Manny Harris back with the Cavs...Pistons gonna get twice as much shit on tonight.

Brady said...

I just talked to Ice on the phone and if his dick tastes anything like the coney dog he just described, I'm all in.

The Buckeyes will probably end up losing in the sweet 16. I just want them to make it further than Michigan. I have no more arguements to back up with data so I'm just going to resort to name calling, bitching and moaning.

Where the fuck is this Pryor story? I need the deets like yesterday.

Brady said...

Scratch that last comment Dut. That's what happens when you don't post for 10 minutes after you started typing.

Grumpy said...

Pics to back it up?

Brady said...

My favorite part is how he had to pull out a pic to prove he played for OSU. Umm, yeah dude, we know.

Anonymous said...

We tried to take a pic, but tp said no because of where that stuff ends up.

Dut

The Iceman said...

Pryor was clearly trying to fuck your friend...good thing you wouldn't let his scabby penis near your friends innocent vagina.

What a cheap faggot. Who's picking up the tab? Uhhhh, how about the selfish fuck with the NFL salary. That's the LEAST he could have done for you to make up for the 6 win season last year.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like TP was decently cordial to you.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman- that's what immediately popped into my head when we walked up to them. I'm not sure if pryor was trying or if he was playing wingman for jordo.

Dut

Prime99 said...

Great stuff, Dut. Makes me sure that I don't want to run into TP in Oakland. Especially if he's trying to make less rich people buy drinks for him.

Anonymous said...

The oft cited SACK-LICKER EFFECT!!!