Disclaimer in case any of these people end up dead: This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken literally in any way, shape or form. It is merely for entertainment purposes only within a group of degenerate assholes with a disgusting since of humor. Again...I do not plan to harm any of the individuals mentioned so lighten the fuck up.
Alright. Because most of you are crybaby faggots who can't handle a few NBA posts without pissing in your Huggies, I guess I'll cave and write something a little more reader friendly. Sorry to disappoint Brady, but this isn't a post about which Ohio recruit looks the best completely naked. Go fulfill your sick sexual desire for seventeen year old boys elsewhere. Drew can hook you up with some links.
This post is about sweet, delicious blind violence. Just straight up murdering fuckers who totes deserve it for reasons that can only be justified in my head. We all have that list of people tucked safely away in the crazy part of our brains who we would like to do terrible shit to. Today is your chance to let the insane out for a nice afternoon walk in the park. Real or fictional people are in play here so let's see who you hate the most in the comment section. But first...Here's my list.
5. Flo from the Progressive commercials. I fucking HATE this bitch with every fiber of my body. I punched a wall once because of this worthless whore. Not really...but I thought really, really hard about it. When any Progressive commercial comes on in my car I violently shut the radio off and drive in silence with my jaw clenched for a good 5 miles thinking about how amazing it would feel to strangle the life from this woman. That's between 50 and 100% true. I want to make sure that I don't accidentally catch the tail end of her caustic fucking babble. If I ever see this bitch in public it's gonna take a heavy force to hold back the vaginal uppercut I've been warming up for her.
4. Adam Levine. Whenever I hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" I black out completely and instantly. When I finally come to, the room I'm in is completely destroyed and there is always at least one dead animal that's been skinned with blood on the walls spelling out something in some undecipherable dead language. GOD! I fucking hate this guy. If I ever snapped one day from constant exposure to this band that is certain to be played on repeat in my version of Hell, I would imagine I would stab this son of a bitch at least 47 times. How anyone can enjoy this band is fully beyond me. If you like a vocalists who sounds like he's choking himself with his own mother's dirty stripper thong, then saddle up! Because this asshole is Fozzy Bear with his testicles firmly secured in a C-clamp. P.S. Fuck you very much for The Voice. Go drown yourself in Christina Aguilera's belly fat.
3. Jim Kushlan. This one is for me...well, and Brady. Because we're the only one's who are forced to put up with this fucking vaginal discharge of a sports journalist on a daily basis. He's a local guy who probably let the owner of the radio station watch him get fucked by a broomstick in order to lock down a job. Just use your imagination while I fillet this fucktard. There is no bigger pussy on the planet than this guy. He's fucking clown shoes. Wanna hear a grown ass man completely change his opinion on a sports topic in about two God Damn seconds in order to always be in agreement with the host? Look no further than this stuttering anus wart. It's probably actually a good thing that he has no back bone. That way he can bend over and effectively chow his own snatch since no one else will come within 20 feet of this fucking troll. Kushlan sounds like he smells like a bag of cooked sour kraut. Looking at his picture confirms it. Worst. Show. Ever.
2. The "That's So __ Seconds Ago" guys. Well...I mean, all of them can die for all I care because they're all fucking terrible ass people for agreeing to shoot such a stupid commercial for an even shittier cell phone company. But specifically, the two original assholes at the football game with their beaks jammed into their smart phones trying to find a way to have a sexual relationship with them. Hey. Here's an idea. Pocket the phone and at go interact with something not controlled by a fucking battery. Go spark up a conversation with a girl so you can start your 8 month plan of moving out of your parents house. But take it slow guys. I wouldn't want the first sign of actual cleavage that isn't seen on your smart phone to suck so much blood into your cock that it explodes your heart. Oh wait. Yes, I do want that actually.
1. Anderson Varejao. If you need a reminder of why this guy deserves to die just watch this. Just typing that name ups the temperature of my skin five degrees. I think jail would be a pretty decent consolation prize knowing that I've done Americans across the nation a great service. Shit...I doubt I would even do time murdering someone so despicable. Here's my question, though. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU STOP TOUCHING EVERYONE?? Jesus Christ! Have you seen this fuckin guy on the court with his team mates? It's like he's constantly torched on ecstasy. Kyrie Irving nails a 15 footer and Varejao is trying to feel him up for the next 90 feet down the court. Maybe it's customary in Brazil to be a raging homosexual on the basketball court but in America doing things like grab assing your team mates and touching another man's nipples are completely off limits. Keep your fucking hands to yourself you disgusting Brazilian grope machine. Go back to doing ridiculous shit like this and giving lustful gazes that showcase your longing desire for boners...like this.
There you go. A list of worthy candidates to face justified homicide. I know this mildly rips off G$'s hate post from last week but this is what you get when you piss and moan about my NBA posts. You get meaningless rants about people I would