Thursday, February 09, 2012

A Post That Would Make Tim Allen Grunt

This is what everyone looks like in McClure, OH.
The other night I was trolling through my Facebook feed, checking in on people that I know but do not give a fuck about. There was the normal shit: Buckeye basketball stuff, someone talking unintelligible smack about the President as if he/she is friends with them, quotes that mean nothing and the person that posted them doesn’t even remotely get the meaning of—you know, the norm. And then I saw an update from Mr. Ace who appeared to be bragging about his dinner of tofu tacos. TOFU.  TACOS.  It was at this point where I realized that he had gone too far.

Being healthy is one thing; and anyone willing to make changes should be encouraged and applauded. But when that person makes such drastic changes that result in him becoming the biggest fucking hippie douche menstruating gash; then he can no longer be classified as a man. This time, Mr. Ace went too far. Show of hands: who respects someone that eats tofu? That’s what I thought. I have an idea for how to bring his Apeness back to the side of the big, swingin’ carnivore dicks though.

Actually, no, he has past the point of no return. When you ruin an excellent meal like tacos with your vegan bullshit, you do not deserve to live anymore. So before we eat Ribs and pray to Tenor on 2/25, let’s murder Mr. Ace in the parking lot of Barley’s and then give each other alibis. Hell, maybe even throw him in the smoker and we can eat him. From what I keep hearing, smoked Ace is likely going to be a low-calorie snack. Bastard. BE A MAN!

Anyway, while I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I started thinking about what constitutes a “MAN” holiday. Days that are OUR days where we eat what we want, ignore the women as much as possible (unless they are taking their clothes off for money), and drink like a Viking. I was able to shorten the list down to 4 and they just so happen to be seasonal. Here is my list of the 4 Best Holidays Celebrated By Real Men:

Winter – Super Bowl Sunday. This is an obvious one. You should be eating nothing that is low fat, not fried, or not covered with cheese. Vegetables can take the day off on Super Bowl Sunday.  It is the end of the football season and thus it must be cherished and celebrated.

Spring – Memorial Day. This is an underrated holiday. At least in Ohio, mid-to-late May is usually a pretty nice time to be outside. That means that grilling season has officially begun AND “outdoor drinking” has also started. The 4th of July is too hot and humid to be outside manning a grill and Labor Day gets mushroom-stamped by the start of football season which is why I rank Memorial Day as the best holiday of these three. Plus, you probably haven’t had a mandatory day off from work since New Year’s Day so this is nice.

Summer – Fantasy Football Draft Day. Most of the time, this date falls on a Saturday in August and I look forward to it every year. It’s as if once you get YOUR team, the real thing is only a few weeks away. Plus, FFDD almost always leads to way too much cheap beer drinking and over-indulging on pizza, dip, wings, or whatever.  And let's not forget the casual racism from vagabonds like Dut and Jeff at the DFL Draft!

Fall – Thanksgiving. The best holiday around. Football. An excellent food spread. Higher quality beer. Pie. Poker at Naptown Wolverine’s house. It is the best.  It is the one true holiday that always lives up to the hype.  The fact that my in-laws always spend Thanksgiving in Florida may or may not make this time of year even more enjoyable!

Notice the lack of Christmas (wildly overrated), New Year's Day (bowl games are meaningless and you are probably hungover), and the always awesome Sweetest Day (not even a real thing).  Those holidays are gay.

And there you go; an entire day of calling Mr. Ace a fag and arguing about the best Man Days of the year. I hate Mr. Ace. I love fried turkey.  But not as much as I loathe Mr. Ace.

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

I believe the first Thursday and Friday of the NCAA Tourney fall under this too. I take those days off every year, eat like a King and drink like a fish all day long.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'll second Drew on that one; I always took those days off and watched at least parts of every game.

I'm in on murdering Ace. Tofu? We got each others backs.

Anonymous said...

Drew is 100% accurate.

Ape is 120% a faggot. How do you get 120%? Easy, you eat tofu and have large vegan cocks planted firmly in your asshole. In fact since tofu is so rich in soy which has been proven to give men bitch tits, I say we encourage this behavior. When he looks like Meat Loaf in fight club, we can all rejoice.

Ide

GMoney said...

Hmmmmm...good point about the NCAA tourney. I may have to rethink my entire life now.

You know what, let's open the floor for an eating post as well. I'm beginning to fall in love with Firehouse Subs. The sandwiches are terrific and they have the greatest soda fountain ever. It even has Mello Yello which somehow is trashier than Mountain Dew.

Mr. Ace said...

Yes, I had tofu tacos and they weren't as good as the real thing. They weren't terrible, but I probably could go with ground turkey instead.

Ide has a weird fascination with bitch tits. Just weird. Soy>meat.

I will be enjoying the greatest chicken wings ever at Barleys. No pork for this manly man. You're welcome, Grumpy.

Tofu is not ELITE.

Anonymous said...

They do have the greatest wings ever.

Firehouse Subs are tits. Though, I do have a slight problem telling a fake fireman that I'd like a steamer. Really good chili and hot sauce selection though.

It's not a fascination with bitch tits. It's science, and it is very applicable to men who eat soy. Soy contains a lot of estrogen in it, which, in men, go right to your breasts. Red meat and pork, in addition to being delicious and heterosexual contains no estrogen. Ask Ron Swanson.

No pork is just Jewish or Muslim. While not as bad as eating soy, it's right up there. A life without bacon is unacceptable.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ha. Ape is definitely paying for his chicken wings. It's called "Rib Fest"...not "A bunch of people eating ribs, while one faggot eats chicken wings fest".

I need to get to Firehouse Subs...all I hear is good things.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm Muslim but sneak my bacon fix.

Anonymous said...

I was actually planning on getting wings as well. Obviously since I'm doing it, it must be cool!

I agree that Jew Years Eve/day is overrated.

I also like the 4th of July holiday. I prefer 90 degrees over 70.

I didn't watch the end of the Duke/UNC game, but I just saw the highlight. That final shot was ELITE. SUCK IT, LANGE!!!!

Dut

Ace said...

I might go full vegan at Barleys and order a black bean burger and grilled asparagus.

Not having this debate again. Soy is ELITE. Especially if you enjoy having a functional prostate.

Has anybody here ever tried Hal & Als on Parsons? It is vegan bar food and they have over a hundred different beers. Quality establishment. I would suggest popping your vegan cherry there.

But 4th of July is national golf scramble day. That's gotta count for something.

GMoney said...

Good point, Dut. YOU SUCK AND PREFER THE COMPANY OF MEN, LANGE!!! GO DOOK!!!! That finish was unreal though. Tyler Zeller? More like Tyler LOLZer!

"A bunch of people eating ribs, while one faggot eats chicken wings fest".

This is also not a MAN holiday.

I was thinking about writing up a BBQ post for tomorrow (to get us in the mood for the 25th, natch) unless something earth-shattering happens. It will be a cold day in Hell before I talk about Gronk getting crunk after the Super Bowl. So if you can hold off on BBQ food specifically, I will in turn not rape you. Fair?

Please, Ide and Ace, do not get into another science debate. That kills "ratings" here.

GMoney said...

We've had just about enough of you, Ace.

MuDawgfan said...

I would have replaced Memorial Day with Labor Day.

I appreciate grilling out/blacking out as much as the next fellow - but there is something special about the start of College Football. That saturday from 11:00 till I pee myself, I'm pounding drinks and woofing at anyone within earshot. Outstanding Male Day.


G$ - back when you and I were at Miami, the NFL Draft used to be on the same weekend as Ghettofest. Now that was a fucking male weekend. Acutally, I think I like the NFL draft when round 1-3 were on Satuday. More amazing drinking and shit talking.

"Oh you're a Dolphins fan? Nice pick of Ted Ginn Jr. you faggot."

Prime99 said...

Ha. Ape is definitely paying for his chicken wings. It's called "Rib Fest"...not "A bunch of people eating ribs, while one faggot eats chicken wings fest".

That was fucking funny, Drew.

I had a roommate that went vegetarian so I tried various tofu meals. Some are good, but I like G$'s point that bragging about eating tofu is stepping over the line where masculinity once was.

GMoney said...

Dawg, I lived in The Ghetto my senior year but I don't think it was on Draft weekend though. That would have been amazing if it was.

I can't tell if Mr. Ace is really, truly sold on being a vegan or if he's just trolling us. I want to believe that he is simply being a troll but maybe not. Mack the German Shepard deserves a non-gay father.

Jeff said...

Grumpy only pays for ribs, not wings. Right?

Anonymous said...

Interesting that Dut and Ape would rather pay for chicken wings tahn eat free ribs.

70 degrees is wayyyyy better than 90 degrees too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Jeff....agreed. The bet was specifically "ribs"...not "take everyone out to dinner"...hence "Ribs Fest".

This is looking better for Grumpy, which makes me happy.

--Drew

Ace said...

My exact status was; "Tofu Tacos? Here goes it." That is hardly bragging about my vegan prowess.

The 80% style is still pretty much in effect.

I would honestly rather eat the wings than the ribs at Barley's. No jokes. but if Grumpy wants to pay an extra $15 just to pay for ribs then so be it.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the agreement was "free BBQ".... not "Free Ribs." I'm pretty sure wings fall under the category of

Could someone verify that please?

Dut

Anonymous said...

I'm with Dut on this one. I fully intend on getting ribs, but I have no problem ordering wings on the side; on my own dime. They are that good.

I do, however, fully endorse that only pork products be purchased. It shouldn't be a price thing, more of a matter of principle.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Wait.. if only ribs will be expensed to Grumpy, then I'm getting ribs.

When did it become a rule that we could only get ribs!?!?

Anonymous said...

Ribs was the original bet. You guys are all idiots and my memory is ELITE!

Here are Grumpy's exact comments from that day...

"If Tim Tenor wins, I will drive to Columbus and buy ribs"

Iceman's response..

" Let the hands of tim tenor produce ribs for the hungry."

More from Grumpy...

"Drew gets free ribs regardless. Fuck the rest of you."

You can read for yourselves here...

http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=31186722&postID=627704588729784807

It was never BBQ..it was Ribs.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"Grumpy said...
If Tim Tenor wins, I will drive to Columbus and buy ribs at the place in Grove City I can never remember the name of for all the Money Shot regulars that show up.

That good enough for you Iceman?
10:59 AM"

Thankfully the place has changed since Grove City is white trash and G$ lives painfully close to it.

Prime99 said...

Do you order wine at Beerfest? I'm guessing that "Ribfest" is meant for ribs.

Anonymous said...

To be fair, who goes out for BBQ and DOESN'T get ribs? Unless you go to City BBQ for lunch, that's different.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Prime...don't give them that much credit. It sounds like Ape would order a virgin strawberry daquiri at beer fest.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Fuck if I care what you order. Ribs, wings, it's all the same to me. Everybody should eat what they like, not be forced to eat ribs if they don't want them.

Ribfest is 3 days after my Social Security check arrives, so in a sense you're all paying for your own meals.

MuDawgfan said...

Ide - I'm more of a brisket man myself. Have to say I love chompin' down on a shitload of brisket if given the choice between it and Ribs.

GMoney said...

Thanks, Grump, for settling this weird debate. I do like the idea of you ordering for everyone at the table. That would be hilarious. I don't like idea of me actually paying for this with my hard work and dedication to the labor force.

So now we know...ORDER WHAT YOU WANT. For the record, I am going to order 10 plates of sauerkraut balls anyway.

Brady said...

No way. You should be forced to eat ribs and wear one of those rib bibs. No one should be allowed to use a napkin until they give you that wet nap at the end either.

Mr. Ace said...

Stop hurting my feelings.

You fags are probably going to order some Mic Ultra's with your man-ribs. But a real man like myself will be drinking a Winter Warmer.

Grumpy said...

Ace probably eats ribs with a knife and fork. NO napkin rule should be in effect.

Anonymous said...

Everyone can give their own opinions on what you have to eat during 'Ribfest'...... but the only opinion that matters is GRUMPY'S!!! Chicken wings it is.

Grumpy is right though. We're all indirectly paying for these ribs anyway, so order what you want.

Dut

The Iceman said...

On that tofu taco thread I told Ape that tofu was made from fat bitch pussy lard...someone from his family immediately commented after me. It was awesome.

Memorial Day is the most ELITE holiday. FACT! Every year we go on a 3 day camping trip at Wyandot Woods near Hocking Hills. It's a 3 day competition to see who can get the most fucked up. I'm usually in the top 3.

The best sandwich I've ever had to date is PJ's. It was beautiful. I had a chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, potato skin sandwich covered in cheese whizz. I still weep tears of joy when I think about it...

Brady said...

Can I throw my hat in the ring for opening day as a great man holiday? It's just me, the dog and an absurd amount of beer all day while I watch baseball.

Anonymous said...

Ape...have you lost a lot of weight with teh growth of your vagina?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

What's the over/under on how many times someone cracks a vegan or a "and my gay friend will have a..." joke to the server during ribfest?

Ide

GMoney said...

Iceman is white trash because he likes camping in SE Ohio. Can you get drunk from Mello Yello?

Brady is gay for acting like Opening Day matters. You know who likes Opening Day? Losers. Fans of shitty ass teams. Because it's the last time that your terrible team is still technically in the hunt.

I've already started working on my BBQ post for tomorrow. It is shaping up to be ELITE. No BAGYS allowed.

Brady said...

Come on G$! You know we will be relevant until early May. Then half the team will catch the injury bug from Sizemore and Hafner which results in a 10 game hole by the All Star break. But April will be ELITE.

I just googled "tofu taco" and was appalled at the images that came up. That's not what your gardner had in mind when his people created that delicious dish.

I am 10 on the vegan over/under line.

The Iceman said...

Camping is ELITE. Eating nothing but meat cooked on an open fire while getting blasted and swimming in a lake that's probably 60% stranger piss is more fun than you think. Plus we stay in cabins that have hot tubs.

But this year we're doing something different. My GFs rich uncle owns a lake house in Michigan. So we're going there to get drunk and crash his jet skis.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the thought of camping on any campground. Iceman you will never go camping again after visiting a lakehouse with jetskis. Hell my parents have a lake house in Michigan with boats, jetskis and a hot tub and I haven't even visited it in almost a decade. If that can't get me to visit, there is a 0% chance of me going fucking camping in SW Ohio.

--Drew

Tony B. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Iceman said...

It's not a campground, Drew. It's a group of 3 cabins in the middle of the woods. It's literally 15 to 30 people (all ppl we know) for the weekend getting hammered, playing poker, and playing other various outdoor games. it's actually pretty fun.

Brady said...

Camping is TITS! I'm looking forward to a couple trips this summer. There is nothing better than getting housed all day outside during the summer.

GMoney said...

Camping is the worst. I don't even really care for going to my in-laws cottage up in Michigan because there is nothing to do (once the fun of jetski-ing wears off after an hour or so), there is no A/C which is always awesome in late July, and there are bugs fucking everywhere. Plus, last year, my nephew saw a snake. I can't deal with that. Nature is for fags. YOU TWO ARE HOMOSEXUALS.

Team "Money Jones-Drew" is ELITE on this topic.

Anonymous said...

Iceman's doesn't sound that bad now. I would do that.

Brady sounds like he enjoys campgrounds. That's filthy and NON-ELITE.

--Drew

Brady said...

I hate campgrounds. If I wanted to hang out with a bunch of slack jawed yokel's while downing Busch light and pounding country I would just hit up the closest trailer park. I like hitting the trailes and finding my own place to camp. Nature is ELITE! Just ask Rick Flair.

Come on guys! Don't you want to get off the beaten trail once in awhile?

GMoney said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...Ric Flair is jet-flyin' and limousine-ridin'. He's not pitching a non-pants tent out in the woods. The only time that The Nature Boy enjoy nature is likely when he is committing adultery.

The Iceman said...

G$...the cabins are air conditioned and fully furnished with cable TV and all. It's pretty much like all day/night tailgating with less people, a pond and no football...unless you count the football game that usually erupts after everyone is blasted. Last year I watched a guy almost dump 5 gallons of boiling peanut oil on himself while shit faced making chicken wings at 6pm. He probably would have died from the burns since everyone there had been drunk since 2pm and the nearest hospital is about 30 miles away.

Anonymous said...

Nature is so not ELITE. The only time I think nature is cool is in the winter for skiing on mountains. I like snow...I like snow a lot. This winter has been very disappointing to me. I dread the days of heat that are coming in four months.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I'll be "camping" at the MGM Grand in a matter of 6 hours. Now that is ELITE.

The Iceman said...

Stop trying to pick up 70 year olds at the nickel slots, Prime.

GMoney said...

That is ELITE, Prime. Bet against the Cavs tomorrow night. Brandon Jennings gonna shit on Believeland.

Suresh SEO said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.