|This is what everyone looks like in McClure, OH.|
Being healthy is one thing; and anyone willing to make changes should be encouraged and applauded. But when that person makes such drastic changes that result in him becoming the biggest fucking hippie douche menstruating gash; then he can no longer be classified as a man. This time, Mr. Ace went too far. Show of hands: who respects someone that eats tofu? That’s what I thought. I have an idea for how to bring his Apeness back to the side of the big, swingin’ carnivore dicks though.
Actually, no, he has past the point of no return. When you ruin an excellent meal like tacos with your vegan bullshit, you do not deserve to live anymore. So before we eat Ribs and pray to Tenor on 2/25, let’s murder Mr. Ace in the parking lot of Barley’s and then give each other alibis. Hell, maybe even throw him in the smoker and we can eat him. From what I keep hearing, smoked Ace is likely going to be a low-calorie snack. Bastard. BE A MAN!
Anyway, while I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I started thinking about what constitutes a “MAN” holiday. Days that are OUR days where we eat what we want, ignore the women as much as possible (unless they are taking their clothes off for money), and drink like a Viking. I was able to shorten the list down to 4 and they just so happen to be seasonal. Here is my list of the 4 Best Holidays Celebrated By Real Men:
Winter – Super Bowl Sunday. This is an obvious one. You should be eating nothing that is low fat, not fried, or not covered with cheese. Vegetables can take the day off on Super Bowl Sunday. It is the end of the football season and thus it must be cherished and celebrated.
Spring – Memorial Day. This is an underrated holiday. At least in Ohio, mid-to-late May is usually a pretty nice time to be outside. That means that grilling season has officially begun AND “outdoor drinking” has also started. The 4th of July is too hot and humid to be outside manning a grill and Labor Day gets mushroom-stamped by the start of football season which is why I rank Memorial Day as the best holiday of these three. Plus, you probably haven’t had a mandatory day off from work since New Year’s Day so this is nice.
Summer – Fantasy Football Draft Day. Most of the time, this date falls on a Saturday in August and I look forward to it every year. It’s as if once you get YOUR team, the real thing is only a few weeks away. Plus, FFDD almost always leads to way too much cheap beer drinking and over-indulging on pizza, dip, wings, or whatever. And let's not forget the casual racism from vagabonds like Dut and Jeff at the DFL Draft!
Fall – Thanksgiving. The best holiday around. Football. An excellent food spread. Higher quality beer. Pie. Poker at Naptown Wolverine’s house. It is the best. It is the one true holiday that always lives up to the hype. The fact that my in-laws always spend Thanksgiving in Florida may or may not make this time of year even more enjoyable!
Notice the lack of Christmas (wildly overrated), New Year's Day (bowl games are meaningless and you are probably hungover), and the always awesome Sweetest Day (not even a real thing). Those holidays are gay.
And there you go; an entire day of calling Mr. Ace a fag and arguing about the best Man Days of the year. I hate Mr. Ace. I love fried turkey. But not as much as I loathe Mr. Ace.