Friday, February 10, 2012
Montgomery Inn – Let there be no doubt that the food here is incredible, but it’s overpriced. There’s no way around that. But you know, when you serve a Saratoga chip that mean, you can charge whatever you want. I am in the Inn Crowd with Paul Keels.
Barley’s Smokehouse – I’ve only been there once so it’s hard to gauge the entire place, but I admit that I was underwhelmed after such a glowing review from Ace. My ribs weren’t very hot and I found the wings overrated. BUT, I believe in second chances and I know that Barley’s wants to redeem themselves to me. They will have their chance in 15 days. BRING YO A+ GAME! I AM AN IMPORTANT INTERNET GUY!
Smoky Bones – Cool name for a restaurant, but unfortunately the wings and ribs both sucked.
City Barbecue – I think that Ide brought this place up yesterday. I like City. I’m one of those guys that always orders some sort of a sampler platter and theirs is outstanding. She$ has ordered the ribs the last two times we went and both times they were undercooked and even a tiger couldn’t have pulled the meat off the bone. It was sad. We haven’t been back since (which is also sad even if it isn’t my choice).
Hoggy’s – Word broke here a few months ago that this amazing BBQ heaven was closing 7 of their 8 central Ohio locations due to the economy. That was a bad day for G$. I LOVE HOGGY’S. Everything they made there was outstanding. It was there that I once watched Jon Deibler ELITEly eat a plate of smoked chicken wings on New Year’s Eve. The worst part about it is that I’m way too lazy to drive over to Gahanna to devour at the only remaining location. So, in essence, I can no longer eat their incredibly BBQ. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry now.
Meats (these will be ranked)
1. Ribs – The king of BBQ. I prefer beef over pork ribs. Is there anything better when you can pick up a rib bone and it requires almost zero effort to get the meat into your food hole? I think not.
2. Brisket – A very close second and probably the most consistently great BBQ option.
3. Pulled Pork – Because pig is better than chicken
4. Pulled Chicken – I don’t know, BBQ shredded chicken just seems too easy and a dish that unimaginative pussies would order.
5. ½ Chickens – Why would anyone order one of these over one of the first three options above?
Bonus: Chicken Wings – I prefer when they are lightly breaded and fried, but many like the smoked version. My preference does not really fit with this post, but you can never forget about wings. For the record, I still have Winking Lizard as the best with Quaker Steak right behind.
Bonus Pt. 2: Hog Roast – Do they still have these? I remember going to a few when I was younger. If you can get over the fact that there is a whole goddamn hog just laying there with its sweet, tasty guts hanging out for you to eat, it is actually quite delicious. If we make Ribfest annual, I nominate a Hog Roast in some future year.
Regional Styles of BBQ (also ranked and since I watch every special about BBQing on TV, also a lesson on their differences)
1. Texas – This version is mostly a deep, smoky brisket-based BBQ. Not too reliant on ribs and its Texas so they don’t have much use for pork.
2. Kansas City– Nelly’s people are into their sauces. STL is known for their ribs and they like them “wet” AKA adding flavor via sauces. I prefer this style of rib.
3. Carolina – Carolina BBQ is chopped or pulled pork with a mustard and vinegar-based sauce.
4. Memphis – Mike Conley, Jr. likes his ribs dry. Here, they don’t sauce their meat. They allow their “rubs” to give the meat its flavor. I don’t care for dry rubs. It makes me way too thirsty. And there is your lesson on The Four Horsemen of BBQ.
Side Dishes (consider this an open forum within an open forum)
Mac and Cheese – Always a quality dish as it adds a different texture while not filling you up
Taters – Don’t eat these. Starches fill you up quickly and take up precious room that should belong to dead cow.
Broccoli – It seems like every restaurant likes to put a side of this shit on a beautiful picture of their ribs. Why? Broccoli is fucking terrible. Don’t order broccoli. New rule: if anyone orders broccoli as a side at Ribfest, they just bought their own meal.
Creamed Spinach – Sounds gross but I like it. It is TOTES not nearly as healthy as it sounds but I can fool myself by thinking that it counterbalances the 3 pounds of brisket that is coursing through my veins.
Baked Beans and Cole Slaw – Can’t go wrong with these and they don’t take up too much room.
Chili Mac – Hoggy’s has tremendous chili mac. If you can’t picture what I’m talking about then you’re an idiot.
Cornbread – She$ loves cornbread. I am indifferent. Is it possible for anyone to not make this insanely dry? Much like taters, you are just wasting meat space with bread.
Collared Greens – Just kidding, no one eats these.
Before we leave, I would like to give a shout out to the wetnap which is one of the more underrated inventions in world history. You see, I am a slob. I get shit all over me all the time. Ask my wife about how I’m banned from wearing a white shirt to Mexican restaurants due to the millions of times that I acquired a self-inflicted salsa stain. When I eat BBQ, I end up with sauce everywhere. Somehow it even ends up in my dickhole. But the ol’ trusty wetnap has never met a grubby face or disgusting hand that it could not clean. I use at least 40 of these if they are available. I love them.
Argue with me; agree with me, it does not matter. For we are men and we prove our manliness constantly by eating meat right off the bone like a bunch of pimp ass cavemen. The important thing is that we are talking about the best style of food in AMURRRRRRIKA. And don’t forget, Ribfest is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Get ya bibs ready.