Friday, February 10, 2012

Open Forum: BBQ

Yesterday’s post veered, as usual, off course a bit and ended up spending some time inside of the proverbial smoker. This happens quite often (and that’s fine) because right now there is nothing more important in any of our lives than the forthcoming RIBFEST. Now, there seemed to be a huge tinkling contest regarding what those attending can and can’t order. Grumpy, obviously our host on 2/25, has laid down the law with his proclamation that anything on the menu is free game (insert your own Mr. Vegan-will-order-gay-shit joke). And that’s nice. Here’s a tip for you: most BBQ joints have a wide array of combo meals. Why argue over whether to get ribs or wings when you can get BOTH. Dumbshits. Anyway, I’ve wanted to write up a primer on BBQ for awhile now and today is the day that it gets published. First up: Local BBQ Joints…they aren’t ranked in any particular order because any place that smokes brisket is automatically better than a place that doesn’t, so here are just a few notes regarding the area feed bags.

Montgomery Inn – Let there be no doubt that the food here is incredible, but it’s overpriced. There’s no way around that. But you know, when you serve a Saratoga chip that mean, you can charge whatever you want. I am in the Inn Crowd with Paul Keels.
Barley’s Smokehouse – I’ve only been there once so it’s hard to gauge the entire place, but I admit that I was underwhelmed after such a glowing review from Ace. My ribs weren’t very hot and I found the wings overrated. BUT, I believe in second chances and I know that Barley’s wants to redeem themselves to me. They will have their chance in 15 days. BRING YO A+ GAME! I AM AN IMPORTANT INTERNET GUY!
Smoky Bones – Cool name for a restaurant, but unfortunately the wings and ribs both sucked.
City Barbecue – I think that Ide brought this place up yesterday. I like City. I’m one of those guys that always orders some sort of a sampler platter and theirs is outstanding. She$ has ordered the ribs the last two times we went and both times they were undercooked and even a tiger couldn’t have pulled the meat off the bone. It was sad. We haven’t been back since (which is also sad even if it isn’t my choice).
Hoggy’s – Word broke here a few months ago that this amazing BBQ heaven was closing 7 of their 8 central Ohio locations due to the economy. That was a bad day for G$. I LOVE HOGGY’S. Everything they made there was outstanding. It was there that I once watched Jon Deibler ELITEly eat a plate of smoked chicken wings on New Year’s Eve. The worst part about it is that I’m way too lazy to drive over to Gahanna to devour at the only remaining location. So, in essence, I can no longer eat their incredibly BBQ. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry now.

Meats (these will be ranked)
1. Ribs – The king of BBQ. I prefer beef over pork ribs. Is there anything better when you can pick up a rib bone and it requires almost zero effort to get the meat into your food hole? I think not.
2. Brisket – A very close second and probably the most consistently great BBQ option.
3. Pulled Pork – Because pig is better than chicken
4. Pulled Chicken – I don’t know, BBQ shredded chicken just seems too easy and a dish that unimaginative pussies would order.
5. ½ Chickens – Why would anyone order one of these over one of the first three options above?
Bonus: Chicken Wings – I prefer when they are lightly breaded and fried, but many like the smoked version. My preference does not really fit with this post, but you can never forget about wings. For the record, I still have Winking Lizard as the best with Quaker Steak right behind.
Bonus Pt. 2: Hog Roast – Do they still have these? I remember going to a few when I was younger. If you can get over the fact that there is a whole goddamn hog just laying there with its sweet, tasty guts hanging out for you to eat, it is actually quite delicious. If we make Ribfest annual, I nominate a Hog Roast in some future year.

Regional Styles of BBQ (also ranked and since I watch every special about BBQing on TV, also a lesson on their differences)
1. Texas – This version is mostly a deep, smoky brisket-based BBQ. Not too reliant on ribs and its Texas so they don’t have much use for pork.
2. Kansas City– Nelly’s people are into their sauces. STL is known for their ribs and they like them “wet” AKA adding flavor via sauces. I prefer this style of rib.
3. Carolina – Carolina BBQ is chopped or pulled pork with a mustard and vinegar-based sauce.
4. Memphis – Mike Conley, Jr. likes his ribs dry. Here, they don’t sauce their meat. They allow their “rubs” to give the meat its flavor. I don’t care for dry rubs. It makes me way too thirsty. And there is your lesson on The Four Horsemen of BBQ.

Side Dishes (consider this an open forum within an open forum)
Mac and Cheese – Always a quality dish as it adds a different texture while not filling you up
Taters – Don’t eat these. Starches fill you up quickly and take up precious room that should belong to dead cow.
Broccoli – It seems like every restaurant likes to put a side of this shit on a beautiful picture of their ribs. Why? Broccoli is fucking terrible. Don’t order broccoli. New rule: if anyone orders broccoli as a side at Ribfest, they just bought their own meal.
Creamed Spinach – Sounds gross but I like it. It is TOTES not nearly as healthy as it sounds but I can fool myself by thinking that it counterbalances the 3 pounds of brisket that is coursing through my veins.
Baked Beans and Cole Slaw – Can’t go wrong with these and they don’t take up too much room.
Chili Mac – Hoggy’s has tremendous chili mac. If you can’t picture what I’m talking about then you’re an idiot.
Cornbread – She$ loves cornbread. I am indifferent. Is it possible for anyone to not make this insanely dry? Much like taters, you are just wasting meat space with bread.
Collared Greens – Just kidding, no one eats these.

Before we leave, I would like to give a shout out to the wetnap which is one of the more underrated inventions in world history. You see, I am a slob. I get shit all over me all the time. Ask my wife about how I’m banned from wearing a white shirt to Mexican restaurants due to the millions of times that I acquired a self-inflicted salsa stain. When I eat BBQ, I end up with sauce everywhere. Somehow it even ends up in my dickhole. But the ol’ trusty wetnap has never met a grubby face or disgusting hand that it could not clean. I use at least 40 of these if they are available. I love them.

Argue with me; agree with me, it does not matter. For we are men and we prove our manliness constantly by eating meat right off the bone like a bunch of pimp ass cavemen. The important thing is that we are talking about the best style of food in AMURRRRRRIKA. And don’t forget, Ribfest is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Get ya bibs ready.


Anonymous said...

Firstly, Barley's doesn't offer combos. Dumbshit.

Having spent some time down in Norf Cacalac, I'd like to think I have a solid amount of knowledge on this matter. Montgomery Inn is totally tits, even if overpriced. Hoggy's closing down is the saddest thing to happen in a long time. Smokey Bones is owned by Olive Garden/Red Lobster. That company seems to have cornered the black fine dining market.

Cornbread is fucking awful. It is always crumby and dries my mouth out. But hush puppies aren't bad; go figure. Once in NC, I tasted collard greens that a black guy made with a sizable amount of fatback in it. For those not in the know, fatback is literally a pound of bacon fat to use instead of butter. It was glorious. Kudos to those people for making me enjoy greens.

A special shout out should also go to sweet tea. While beer shall be enjoyed in 2 weeks, sweet tea is always a solid play with BBQ.

Is it possible to edit this post and throw in a picture of ELLSTIN LIMEHOUSE?

And not a single mention of the Jazz and Rib fest? As good as Montgomery Inn is, there are several places there every year that kill it.


Grumpy said...

To set the record straight, Montgomery Inn is not "local" to Columbus. Montgomery Inn is native to Cincinnati and started by the late, great Rib King himself, Ted Gregory, who actually was Greek.

The reviews on the webs about Barley's all mention the sauerkraut balls. Comments?

Hog roast is the best, and you can hire companies that specialize in them. Do I hear G$ volunteering his back yard?

I love cornbread; when done right it is the perfect complement to ribs. Ide is right, sweet tea for sure.

You can't rank BBQ cities and leave out KC.

BBQ Pitmasters was outstanding, but apparently only G$ and I watched it.

I thought it was ELSTON Limehouse, but either way a great character. Hope they don't kill him off at the end of the season.

GMoney said...

Limehouse would have been a perfect addition. I apologize.

Montgomery Inn is based out of Cincy, I know this, but since there is one in Dublin it is local to me.

I said STL and I meant KC. Huge error on my part. No one cares about Missour-ah so whatever.

Barley's doesn't offer combos? Weak sauce.

I don't drink tea. Tea is for minorities.

Ide, I've never been to the Jazz and Rib Fest. You're saying that it's worth it? The ribs better be amazing because I dislike jazz greatly. Karl Malone is an asshole.

GMoney said...

Hey fuckhead, I just checked the menu and you can combo up to 4 meats on one plate. Way to be wrong. Apologize to everyone for spreading dirty lies.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...the sauerkraut balls are absolutely delicious. They are filled with sauerkraut and sausage. We shall dabble.

The Jazz and Rib Festival is very good. They have different rib people from all over the nation that come to sell you their ribs and sides. I try to go every year...they also sell beer.

One of my favorite sides is green beens and bacon. Always very tasty.

At Jazz and Rib last year, I was introduced to jalapeno cornbread......holy fuck is that stuff good.

My only beef with BBQ is that most establishments don't give you much of an option for a really spicy sauce. I want ALL of my food to be as spicy as I can get it. If I ate cereal, I'd probably try putting some Siracha sauce in my milk. But, BBQ places really seem to half-ass that and I think they are missing out. Some people would really like some hot ribs. They make wings hot as fuck...make yo damn ribs hot too.


MUDawgfan said...

This is probably the most important post of the year. In fact - an argument can be made that it's the most important thread since the porn star post.

Having grown up in the South, Atlanta wasn't know for one particular style of BBQ. It had a hodge-podge of everything. I'm eating Memphis Style for lunch, 3 miles away I can get brisket at another joint. No big deal.

I would reverse Brisket and Ribs on G$'s pecking order, if only because there is nothing so good as a tender juicy piece of brisket on a soggy BBQ bun. And that meat better be thick. I want a brisket sandwich, not a fucking Rueben.

I'm going to add an addition to the meat listing that some of you may not have tried. It's bigger in the Chicago/STL BBQ circuit - Rib Tips.
Essentially the most juciest part of the rib is grilled and dipped in the sauce of your choice. Delicious, but a little difficult to eat due to their size.

I'm a cold salad side guy. I like Potato Salad (prefer white potato salad to mustard based southern style salad) and I like Macaroni or Pasta Salad too.
My hot side of choice is Fried Okra - I could eat 10,000 of these.

GMoney said...

Drew, once again, I think you are a minority. You are not alone with enjoying future diarrhea but you miss the point. The star of your meal is the meat flavor itself, not the taste bud incinerating sauce. They do it for wings because everyone knows what a chicken tastes like.

Montgomery Inn does jalapeno cornbread as well. It's way better than I thought it would be.

Does anyone own a smoker? I would love to have one but I know that I'd never use it since it takes a ton of time to get it right.

GMoney said...

Now, Dawg, correct me if I'm wrong, but rib tips are essentially the pieces that are cut off of the ribs themselves (for presentation) after coming out of the smoker. They're basically rib nuggets, right?

I had brisket at my wedding. It was an ELITE decision that was made by me and me alone. It was one of the few things that I put my foot down for.

Ace actually had a full-on BBQ buffet at his reception. It was a wonderful idea but with everyone in suits and shit, you had to be cautious.

Anonymous said...

MUDawg....I'm a HUGE potato salad guy.

G$...The only thing I have in common with minorities is my huge cock.


MuDawgfan said...

G$ - you are correct on the Rib Tips. Usually you get bigger and better ones from Beef Ribs instead of Pork Ribs.

My favorite BBQ restaurant of all time is in Kansas City. It's called Fiorella Jack Stack's and it is boner enducing good.

They have these appetizers called "Burnt Ends" - its basically the brownest portion of the brisket that is too small to slice. They cut those fuckers up, hit em with a blast of seasoning salt and serve em with a side of sauce for a $6.95 appetizer. It's a wonderful thing.

Anonymous said...

I know I will be probably be laughed at for this, but I've never had ribs. Never. Unless you count the Mcrib sandwich from Mcdonalds. I may not even try them al Ribfest. All this brisket talk has got me leaning in that direction.

One more thing, I am looking forward to the first meeting of long time rivals, Drew and Iceman. Should be interesting.


Grumpy said...

And my first meeting with Iceman. We got off on the wrong foot but have since patched things up. Haven't met Damman and Ide either. See, out of something bad comes something good. Maybe.

Ace said...

Damman, fuck you.

The baked beans at Barley's are ELITE. Everyone who I have went with has said they are the best they have ever had. They also have several combo's, Ide. You R-tard.

Beef ribs over Pork ribs? Blasphemy.

I'm not nearly as impressed with Montgomery Inn as most of you. I was spoiled by my friends dad, who did the BBQ spread at my wedding, and his ribs were always fantastic. I am always disappointed whenever I get ribs somewhere else.

GMoney said...

Damman, it's OK. There is a first time for everything. You could do worse than the McRib. I mean, I'm sure that someone makes a worse ketchup and worms sandwich.

The Iceman said...

You girl. If Ron Swanson can travel to Indianapolis for a trip to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse then you can drive to the closest Hoggy's location.

IDE eating collard greens?! That's like Al Sharpton listening to and enjoying Nickelback.

Add me to team cornbread. When done right it'll blow your balls off.

Damman, I'll stand up and support you with the McRib...even though it's about the most white trash thing you could ever put in your mouth. And that includes Busch. Sometimes I'll eat it in the bedroom with the door locked because I don't want anyone to catch me. Eating a McRib is a lot like maturbation. Everyone does it but it's pretty embarrassing when you get caught in the act.

Grumpy and I have come a long way and I'm looking forward to eating his free ribs. And I have to say that Drew started to mend things with his ELITE fantasy basketball advice. Should be a great night for all.

GMoney said...

Off topic but don't forget that starting Monday at noonish, we're back to ZOMBIE TALK!!!

Anonymous said...

Look at the menu dipshits. Do you see WINGS as part of the combo? Since wings was the entire discussion yesterday, I thought I'd point that out.

And let's be honest; Damman has had far more worse white trash in his mouth than a McRib. Higher cholesterol content as well.


Anonymous said...

Things I've never eaten before....


*Big Mac


Anybody else have any mainstream food items like those that they have never eaten?


Brady said...

Don't ever get fucking married. I have spent the last week fighting tooth and nail to attend ribfest. She wanted to hit up some fund raiser for her OLD job on that weekend and for some reason I was expected to be there. Does that shit make any sense? You don't even work there anymore! Luckily, it appears I have won.

I have been to Montgomery Inn before and it was pretty good. I am hoping Barley's can bring the same kind of game.

I've never had a Big Mac, Whopper or McRib either. I'm more of a double cheeseburger kind of guy when it comes to fast food.

Grumpy said...

I've had McRib, but won't touch anything else from McDonald's. Never had White Castle; went with friends in high school and the smell almost made me puke.

Anonymous said...

Grump...I've never had White Castle either.

I have a weird opinion about McDonald's. I think their food is terrible, but their salads are ELITE. I know that was very Ape of me, but their salads do blow away any other fast food salad. They use Paul Newman dressing packets as well.


Anonymous said...

White Castle is amazing. I actually found one here in NYC last night and went to it. Except these fucks here put ketchup on EVERY FUCKING SANDWICH, EVEN BREAKFAST. I didn't feel bad having her remake my entire order.


Prime99 said...

I enjoy BBQ but I'm not an expert on the subject all. I need to put more effort into eating BBQ though I do love me some ribs when cooked correctly.

Jalapeño cornbread is very very good. And I also enjoy potatoe salad.

The Iceman said...

I'm not sure if there's a main stream food item I've never had, Drew...but along those same lines I've never seen Scarface before. That's kinda the same, right?

The Iceman said...

I stand corrected. Never had White Castle. It just seems like a trailer park food.

Anonymous said...

You'd be shocked to know that White Castle actually boasts the highest grade beef in the fast food industry.

Brady said...

I don't know if I've even seen a White Castle besides the frozen ones at the store.

GMoney said...

Ide: Barley's doesn't offer combos

Menu: Yes we do. It's right in front of your goddamn face.

Ide = Dumbshit.

GMoney said...

White Castle is fucking amazing. Gives you some incredible shit stankonia the next day as well (which is half the battle).

I've never had a McRib either but I'd still rather put that in me than the riblets from Applebee's.

Brady, be a man. It's not like you're just springing this on her. You are giving plenty of notice. I would divorce her.

By the way, the new Friday at noon show on The Fan co-hosted by Bobby Carpenter is pretty good. I find Bobby hilarious.

Brady said...

Apparently I agreed to this fund raiser back in December. I'm sure "agreed" meant that I just nodded my head while playing Madden and drinking beers one night. Whatevs. Ribs win in the end.

GMoney said...

It's not like you are doing something completely worthless and awful like a 3 day camping trip with Iceman or anything.

Anonymous said...

Is the fleshlight coming to Ribfest?


The Iceman said...

G$ would totes love camping. FACT. He's just shitting on it because he usually plants a garden instead on Memorial Day weekend.

GMoney said...

"Planting a garden" is a fine euphemism for jerking off in your backyard.

And to answer your question, Drew, no. It is safely secured inside my wall safe which I had installed just for the light.

Prime99 said...

Just bet against the Cavs. Go Bucks!