Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Time in Indy

"Maybe if we pray together.....Dear God, No Browns, No Browns, No Browns..."


We've covered this before, gents. Obviously since we're elbow deep in the dead zone of the sporting calender's rectum, worthwhile topics here are more rare than Damman sleeping with a chick that doesn't have chest hair. So I decided to shake things up, take 3 days off of work and drive to Indianapolis to watch old white guys poke, prod and drool over young black men. That's right...I watched a portion of the NFL combine live from the field with fake MoneyShot reporter credentials I purchased from a guy named Sandy behind Platinum Showgirls. All it cost me was Dut's phone number and the promise Dut would put out...and swallow. Sooooo chop chop there, gay boy. He likes beards so don't shave that Bradley Cooper thing you have going on. This is what I witnessed...

-Andrew Luck has the pastiest thighs in America. It looked like they were covered in flour...or bleached. He also runs with perfect form which didn't surprise me. Four owners actually jacked off while he threw passes. They paid me $100 dollars each to keep their names out of this......but what they didn't know was that I was exposing them no matter what. Jim Irsay (HUUUUUUGE testicles. Like, alarmingly huge. Like, seek medical attention huge), Jerruh Jones (his pubes are a perfectly sculpted profile of Troy Aikman. I was very impressed with the craftsmanship), Dan Snyder (tiny dick or huge hands. Not sure which one) and Stephen Ross (actually cried throughout).

-Justin Blackmon didn't work out. In fact, it was difficult to find him doing something other than tripping female reporters as they walked by while loudly swearing at children. He called this one kid a fuck taint cunt slugger. It made zero sense...and also made me LOL. I'm also pretty sure I watched him try and shove two fingers in some chicks vagina through her pants while he asked if he could crush a line off her tits. I was told that did not hurt his draft status.

-Mike Holmgren was there. But he was too busy waxing his pussy to give me an answer to, "Hey you fat walrus fuck! Are you gonna locate your nads in time to trade up to get a QB the Browns desperately need or just continue to pretend Colt McCoy's 5 yard ankle breakers are getting the job done?" He said come back after his masseuse pops the boils on his taint.

-After Trent Richardson's 40 yard dash was over he disappeared into a tent and came out an hour later with a pregnant white girl. I overheard 2 scouts saying that whatever was inside that chick was the favorite to be the top pick in the 2032 NFL draft. Shortly after Richardson took the Wonderlic and shit his pants four questions in. He moved up nine spots on Mel Kiper's big board and fifteen spots closer to his heart.

-Quinton Coples had an interesting strategy. He actually had a stand in that did all the workouts for him while he sat back and fanned himself with $100 bills. When Coples agent approached him to see what the problem was, Coples hammer punched him directly in the chest.

-Dontari Poe ran an impressive 4.98 forty yard dash. He celebrated by eating six whole footballs. He later said he thought they were ham. When I asked why he didn't stop after one when he realized what he was eating was definitely not ham he responded with a canyon sized belch in my face. It smelled like rotten baby food and wet cardboard. When I barfed a little he asked if I was going to eat that. I barfed even more and this time he didn't ask before licking the turf.

-Michael Floyd did his drills in a pink thong. Because he is a little princess bitch. He wanted to know if the shoulder pads at the NFL level had built in pad protectors for sensitive breasts. He rubbed his own nipples gingerly while asking. Then he asked if anyone had a tampon he could borrow. I kicked him in the pussy while screaming AMERICA!!!! It brought the house down.

-It turns out that Brandon Weeden is actually 40 years old but oddly enough throws like he's 80.

Those are the highlights, boys. There were a lot of fingers in anuses and grabbing and coughing. The NFL combine is a lot like a priests office at the University of Notre Dame. A lot of innocence was lost during my time in Indy. Including my own. You just can't unsee some of that stuff. Anyway, I'm sure Sandy will be coming to collect soon, Dut so loosen up that butthole my friend. Sandy wore very tight pants and what he had looked like the circumference of a bowling pin. I'm sure you can handle it. Happy Tuesday, fuck sticks...at least it wasn't the NBA.

17 comments:

Grumpy said...

ELITE!

The Iceman said...

One thing I left out...Hines Ward showed up and tried working out for teams. During his 40 he just kept screaming, "see?! I still got it!!"

He was escorted out of the building.

GMoney said...

I thought the same thing when I saw highlights of Luck running. Like "please put on some real shorts, goblin". Andrew Luck in WWE tights is a horrifying sight.

It's probably a smoke screen but the new reveal that the Browns are souring on RG3 is as LOL as trying to order drugs at Little Caesar's. Is there any doubt that I will be purchasing a Redskins RG3 jersey in late April???

I might be wrong, but I'm starting to get a Crabtree vibe from Justin Blackmon. I see way more Crabtree than I do Megatron.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew's favorite Fuckeye, Ray "first round talent" Small, was arrested for oxycontin possession, having Mary Jane pigs, carrying a loaded firearm and was believed to be on that Heron.

Another Fuckeye classic. I bet his combine measurables on that Heron would have been elite.

I was really hoping for a dun contest liveblog.

Anonymous said...

You're not funny. Stop trying so hard to be in your posts.

GMoney said...

Boom. Anonymous hate!

Ray Small continues to make Ohio proud.

You would want a Dunk Contest liveblog since you vanished into thin air while it was on, queerbait.

Anonymous said...

Ape...remember he was chief witness # 1 for the media against Tressel back in teh Spring. I LOLZ all over the place when they were pushing around like he was a credible human being. The world would be a better place if eh was dead.

Anon takes a swing at Iceman. Put yo name out if you gonna go after him! That's what I do!

Andrew Luck's thighs were definitely gross.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

You're a pussy. Stop trying to convince people you aren't. Maybe next time I'll hit up the blog you write for some pointers.

Anonymous said...

The world will be a better place if ray small gets murdered in prison.

After all this talk, I'd rather the browns sign Matt Flynn instead of trade away all those picks. Too many weaknesses.

I didn't watch a second of the combine, thankfully.

I thought we'd be getting a live blog of the Daytona 500! How about the only Mexican driver trying to blow the place up!?

Dut

GMoney said...

How about the only woman driver barely making it one time around the track before killing everyone? Classic woman driver!

Juan Pablo Montoya is literally en fuego. He would have won the race if they let him drive a riding lawnmower. STEREOTYPES!

Matt Flynn doesn't want to move to Ohio. He goin' to Souf Beach. Enjoy Jason Campbell.

Brady said...

I don't think it matters who the Browns take. His knee will explode before training camp ends.

Heroin Ray Small? Really dude?

Janvi said...

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GMoney said...

Thanks?, Janvi!

Flynn doesn't strike me as a guy who is jonesing for staph.

The Iceman said...

Flynn's square box head rivals Phil Dawson. Plus it would make Phil feel more socially accepted if he weren't the only Browns player in need of a customized helmet. I'm down.

Anonymous said...

I read that Ray Small's gun possession automatically earns him an extra 3-5 years in prison! At least you were carrying Ray Ray! I guess in Ohio if you get convicted of a felony and you have a gun with you at the same time it automatically gets you an extra 3-5 years. Brilliant.

--Drew

Kosta Koufos said...

Iceman, why you no talk about NBA today? I was hoping that you would convince the world of my All Star snub. My mom voted for me 20,000 times! Kevin Love is no KoKo.

Anally yours,

Kosta

The Iceman said...

Kosta Koufos is ELITE. Next week Kosta, next week.