Friday, February 24, 2012

The Money Shot Eats Hog Tomorrow...Literally!

And we'll wash it all down with a few Thurmanators.
“If Tim Tenor wins, I will drive to Columbus and buy ribs at the place in Grove City I can never remember the name of for all the Money Shot regulars that show up.”—Grumpy 1/5/2012

Now we all remember the story behind this, right? Grumpy was so crippled by his white trash Steelers fan DNA that he decided to give himself an ultimatum that absolutely no one else was asking for. And if you recall, his precious team of cheap shot artists and toilet sex connoisseurs were properly vanquished on Wild Card Weekend by the man, the myth, the legend, the guy that makes Brady Quinn cry: TIM TENOR. Many of you thought that this day would never come. Well, bitchcakes, IT HAS ARRIVED. Today…is RibFest Eve.

Here are the nuts and bolts for tomorrow’s RibFest festivities.
*WHO? If you comment frequently, congratulations because you can get free BBQ from Grumpy. If you read but don’t comment, you are still more than welcome but don’t be a mooch. You pay for your own food. Hellraiser mentioned that he wants to come but would buy his own out of respect. This is a proper attitude to have. Basically, if you have any reservations at all about whether you qualify for the Grumpy Freebie then you should just plan on bringing your wallet.  Is Ide coming back from NYC for this?  When does Prime land?  Is Naptown Wolverine still alive?
*WHAT? I mentioned above what this is all about. I shouldn’t have to do it again.  Just a reminder that we're only making the dude buy food.  Drinks are on you.  Yes, whoever is unfortunate enough to wait on our table is going to be furious with this request.
*WHERE? The place that will be slaughtering hogs, cows, and chickens for us by the barrel full is Barley’s Smokehouse. The address is 1130 Dublin Rd., Columbus, for you out-of-towners that may be GPSing the place. It is pretty easy to get to as it is right off of the Grandview Ave. exit on I-670.
*WHEN? Let’s try to all be there by 5 pm so we can sit by 5:15 at the latest. I assume that the place will be dead around this time so we can all wave our penii around to the wait staff.  You know, just to show them who's boss.
*HOW? How did this come to be? Just say a thank you to our boy, TIMMY TENS, for allowing all of us to get together.  Who would have ever thought that Tim fucking Tebow would have been able to assemble us all at the same table?  I'll tell ya, that might be his greatest miracle.

In all honesty, I have been pumped up for this for a very long time. Many of the legendary commenters from this great site will finally gather in the same place at the same time to break ribs, make terrible first impressions, and, I assume, be wildly inappropriate.

As far as post-dinner goes, the hockey game featuring #15 Miami and #17 Ohio State has apparently done well at the box office so far. I guess that the 100 and 200 levels are pretty much sold out. That’s fine by me. It only costs $5 to get a front row general admission seat in the upper deck anyway. And, you know, you can buy beer. I have said this many times, but I would bet that almost all of you have never been to a college hockey game before (way different atmosphere than an NHL game). I suggest giving it a shot. These schools do not like each other at all, they are both fighting for an at-large birth in the tournament come March, alcohol IS sold, and we’ll be out of there before 9:15.

Also, I will be holding a tutorial on fleshlight usage at my house at 3 pm. Tickets are on sale for $10.

So let’s get a head count today. Who’s in for dinner? Hockey? Post-hockey titty bars (the dirtier the better)? Gentlemen, the time is now. Getcha bibs ready. Happy RibFest!!!

46 comments:

Grumpy said...

It's worth what it will cost me just to have all you reprobates at one table. And $5 to watch my RedHawks take A&M to the woodshed is the perfect capper.

See you all there.

GMoney said...

Ah shit, I forgot to link the restaurant's site so those interested could scout the menu. Whatever, do a little work on your own.

Anonymous said...

All this talk about RIBfest and they don't even have ribs on the menu...!

-Andy K.

Anonymous said...

G$....If you can get a rough head count today, they take reservations...

Unfortunately, I'm only like a 60% chance of making this now. It's pretty much dependent on if my Grandma is still alive. She's been in the hospital due to bad health since November and only weighs like 85lbs...so it was bound to happen. I was told on Tuesday she would be dying on Wednesday and there would be a funeral on Saturday. Well, she's still alive...but, I was told last night that she had to pass some test today to stay alive or something like that. So, if she dies today then I'll probably be summoned up to Cleveland...if she dies tomorrow then I'll try to at least make rib fest and then maybe miss the hockey game. If she's still living then I'm in for both fo shizzle. If G$ doesn't hear from me, then I'll be there.

Any thoughts on Ryan Braun somehow winning on a technicality? He was obviously on PED's big time, but because the tester didn't overnight the test he somehow skates.

Linsanity was garbage last night.

LOLz at Iowa fans storming the court after beating # 16 Wisconsin. That has to be one of the worst court stormings ever.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Who is Andy K and how can he type/read on a computer when he is obviously blind?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Uh, yeah, Andy K. obviously can't read since there is huge picture of ribs on page 3 or 4 of the menu.

I'm in for all events.

So have we officially confirmed that they say beer at the game?

-Damman

MUDawgfan said...

Gentlemen - have fun and don't be afraid to get elbow deep in that BBQ and sides. Not only do I feel bad for your server, but the custodial staff at the Value City arena.

After all that "Q" and 5-6 brews, you guys are going to absolutely murder some toilets at the hockey game. May god have mercy on anyone standing in line behind you.


WORK EM' SILLY REDHAWKS!

Anonymous said...

Uh, my mistake. I was looking at Barley's Brewing Company menu.

GMoney said...

Go back to having sex with Snooki, Andy K.

Drew, I've been there with all of my grandparents before...good luck. It would suck to not have you at the table, but real life sometimes (but not often) takes precedent over blog commenting. That being said, tell me more about this test that you have to pass to stay alive. That is intriguing.

But at 5:00 pm on a Saturday, I'm not concerned about the place being packed. Although if we can get a few more confirmations than the 3.5 we have thus far, I'll call this afternoon.

Good for Ryan Braun. White men don't deserve to have their good names dragged through the mud.

Chalmers probably got the best hummer from Gloria James last night after destroying Linsanity.

Fuck you, Jeff Carter, I hope he gets AIDS out in Cali.

This season has been horrible, but did you see the Drago-esque punch that Roger threw at Karma last night. DON'T FUCK WITH ROGER.

Grumpy said...

Drew, I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother. Even when inevitable it's never easy. Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Grumpy...I think it's about a million times easier when it's not sudden and she's like 90. I actually just feel worse for my Grandpa, since he'll be alone. He's a stud though and will be fine.

G$...She basically can't breathe on her own. So she's been on "The Michael Jackson drug" since last Saturday and on a ventilator. They have been trying to wean her off of the ventilator daily...think she lasted like an hour or something yesterday. So, I think it's pretty much not good for you to be kept alive on that drug/a breathing machine for a lot of days...especially when you aren't in good health already. I think you start getting close to brain damage and stuff. So, they are going to do the weaning test again today...and if she can't do it, then it sounds like they are just going to pull her off of the machine and let her pass. No Terry Schiavo type bull-shit in this family.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I'm in for ribs...out for hockey. But theres always that chance i change my mind because i like doing dumb stuff. My friends wife just crapped out an 8 lb screamer so I'm probably just gonna go back and get drunk while I try to teach this kid the ways of alcoholism at an early age.

Sorry about your grams, Drew. You got the right attitude about it though, bud.

Come on, G$! I don't even get the tiniest of shout outs for making this happen? Help me out here, Grump. I'm a glory hog...you know that.

Anonymous said...

Drew - sorry to hear about your grandma. Hope your family is taking the situation ok.

And yes - worst court storming ever.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Sorry to hear about your grandma, Drew.

Unfortunately, being grounded by TSA for lewd conduct will prevent me from making it to Ribfest. While I did make that up, I do think my wife and I sat next to an old gypsy lady that cursed us on our flight back from Vegas a couple weeks ago.

Have fun fellas! Don't break G$'s fleshlight!

Anonymous said...

I think G$ should bring the fleshlight and we'll give it it's own seat.

--Drew

Brady said...

I'm currently still in the argument stage with my wife and sister about this trip. My sister and her boyfriend are driving up from Columbus (of course) to celebrate my dad's birthday (which was last weekend). Trying to convince my wife that driving to Columbus to hang out with a bunch of dudes that I've never met over an internet bet is proving more difficult than anticipated.

If I'm able to sway her opinion by the end of the day, I will be in for Ribs but no hockey. It will be a quick 2hr journey from BG for Ribs followed by another 2hr journey back to BG. This scenario sounds crazy to her, and me for that matter, but I will do it if I can. I really don't want to pass up a chance to break bread with the Moneyshot bro's.

I'll have a solid answer this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

It seems like I moved back to Northwest Ohio at the worst time, otherwise I would be all over ribfest. Maybe I will make my own ribs and chatroullette with you guys while you are eating.

It seems like Braun got off on a "Chain of Custody" argument. Basically, his argument was "this guy left my sample unattended at his office over the weekend. Someone could have tampered with it." This same argument is made for evidence from crimes. Often times Police officers/detectives must come in and testify at hearings and trials as to the whereabouts of the evidence at all times until it was turned over the prosecution. If there is a break in the "chain" then the evidence may be thrown out. The same is true here. I will send G$ a legal bill early next week for this info.

Drew,

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

-Lil' Strut, Esq.

GMoney said...

OK, as far as we know right now, Drew is still IN for tomorrow. So let's not jump to conclusions yet. Whether he has to go up to Believeland changes nothing. The ribs will still be smoked.

Brady, grow a fucking pair.

Li'l Strut, you will be missed but at least now we know that you won't be worthless on any possible future trivia teams.

The Iceman said...

No shit Brady. What's she gonna do? Divorce you? From what I hear from all my married friends, divorce sounds like it would be a blessing.

Anonymous said...

Due to a few expenditures in the phone/gambling/something almost as gay as Ape's diet (which cost as much as my ticket) departments, I won't be able to make it. Since flights plus car rental would put my rib trip in the $700 range(still tempting, just to do it), I thought it best to sit it out.

Ide

GMoney said...

Dut and Mr. Ace, suspiciously absent today, have both confirmed appearances for tomorrow. Still waiting to hear back from Jeff and Ide and Kosta Koufos.

GMoney said...

Nevermind, Ide is out then. Looks like we're all going to have to jerk ourselves off under the table now.

Anonymous said...

If Kosta Kofous comes then I'm bringing a gun.

Dut's commenting here lately has been very miniscule....much like the testicals on Ape with his new diet.

--Drew

B.J. Mullens said...

I guess my invitation must have been lost in the mail...

Jeff said...

Ribfest count me in. "Can't wait" (in a Bart Scott voice)
Going to see the new look CBJohnsons tonight. I'm just hoping that howson didn't mistakenly trade for the singer jack Johnson instead of the player, for how great of a deal he pulled off. There will now be musical performances at intermission.

Hines Ward said...

Hey guys! Can I come to Ribfest?? Pleeeeeease? I promise, you won't even know I'm there. I just want to be included. I'll buy my own dinner, buy my own drinks...heck, I won't even sit by you guys. I'll even restructure my MoneyShot contract. Please! I will literally do anything to be a part of this.

Brady said...

That fucking Hines Ward comment still has me laughing 10 minutes later.

*slow clap

Anonymous said...

crafty slopes

Ide

GMoney said...

I know that that wasn't the real Hines because he didn't type PREEEEEEEASE.

Sorry, Byron, but I don't think that Barley's sells olive loaf sandwiches.

Jeff, wouldn't that be perfect if Howson thought that he traded for the singer and got the defenseman instead. Is he playing tonight?

CONFIRMED IN FOR TOMORROW:
G$
Grumpy
Damman
Iceman
Brady (just made your decision for you)
Dut
Mr. Ace
Jeff

GAME-TIME DECISION:
Drew

OUT:
Ide, Seal, Prime, Li'l Strut ESQUIRE

Am I forgetting anyone? Is there anyone to be added? Also, if anyone has a video camera that I could borrow for my audition tape to Naughty America, text me. I need to get this done.

Anonymous said...

What are you auditioning for at Naughty America, G$? Janitor?

-Lil' Strut

Grumpy said...

Iceman, you're contribution to making this happen was taunting me into making the bet. You want props for that?

Thank God Jeff is in; somebody with a brain.

Brady, I don't know what to say. Unless you want to forever be known as The Money Shot pussy, you'll be there. Driving two hours to have ribs with a bunch of guys you've never met is a story you will be telling the rest of your life.

Where are Ace and Dut?

The Iceman said...

Yes Grumpy! Yes I do! I mean...you act like you're surprised by that.

GMoney said...

Grump, they are both in. You can count on them. They are like the two sons that you never got around to aborting.

By the way, I think we can all safely assume that Craig James and his "fags will have to answer to God" platform will never call another college football game again. That makes me smile.

Anonymous said...

Jeff...that really was a crazy deal that Howson made. I'm thinking they just let Howson push the button and that Mike Patrick guy is actually the one running the show now. No way Howson gets that done on his own.

Grumpy wouldn't even need his Viagara if Hines Ward was sitting with us.

--Drew

Brady said...

After careful consideration and much hand wringing, I must respectfully decline the invitation to Ribfest. With family coming into town, there is just no way I can skip out for 7 hours and drive to Columbus and back.

I'm totes bummed about the whole thing as I was ready to feast like a caveman, shoot the shit with the Moneyshot crew and spend some of Grumpy's money. Alas, my dad's late birthday celebration wins out in the end.

I guess I will have to wait for the next ill advised wager to be placed on these hallowed commenting boards.

Fuck! This pisses me off but it is what it is.

The Iceman said...

Brady acts like Timothy Tenor stuffing Jesus cock into the Steelers anus is going to be an annual thing. Yeah...good idea. Catch the next miracle, bud.

Brady said...

Maybe I will make some crazy bet during the summer and offer to pay for Ribs so we can reconvein somewhere in Columbus. Don't tell me this will be the last Moneyshot feast ever!

If I was closer to the festivities it wouldn't be an issue. It's just too much time to be gone. Wifey and Sis were laying on the guilt trip pretty hard and I finally caved.

Grumpy said...

Brady, I get it man. Family should come first. Besides, somewhere along the line I remember G$ referring to this as the "1st Annual Ribfest"; that would imply a 2nd.

GMoney said...

This is disappointing. Is Brady's dad a 14 year old girl or something? If you don't do anything on the actual birthday, sorry, better luck next year. You don't get a do-over the next week. Let me talk to your family and I will explain to them how to be an efficient and sensical family.

How about I just reserve a table for 10? That seems like a decent number to go with.

GMoney said...

G$: Hi, I'd like to make a reservation for between 10-12 people for tomorrow at 5 pm.

Barley's Chick: No problem, can I get a last name.

G$: TENOR. No guff, The Tenor Party dines like kings tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

"Is your Dad a 14 year old girl?" That killed me...so true.

I like that the reservation is under Tenor. I currently still have a Grandma, so I'm still planning on being there. I may show up a bit early just in case somebody else gets there early and wants to slug some of Barley's finest beers. I'll be the guy sitting at the bar leaning forward to show off the pink whale tail that I'll be rocking.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Putting the party under Tenor is a stroke of perfection.

If this annual, I'm going to have to find a way out there...

The Iceman said...

Tenor...party of 10. Brilliant.

Prime99 said...

Go watch Pat Knight's press conference immediately! Hilarious!

Grumpy said...

Jesus, Pat Knight looks, sounds and even gestures like his dad 30 years ago. Chasing that player was classic, telling him he has no idea what it takes to win.

Anonymous said...

Not sure why my comment didn't go through this morning. I'm in for all festivities! I can't wait to spend my hard earned social security dollars.

Dut