Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Here's Something Everyone Can Hate.

                    Even as a young child, boners always made Kris smile...




This past weekend was wildly uneventful for me so instead of boring you with the details of how I whipped Ganondorf's green skinned ass, I'll just make a brief statement about Free Ribs Moneyshot Night.  Before we move forward with this, I would just like to dedicate this historic event to the honor of Tim Tenor.  You may make people cringe like they're watching a fag shit shattered, bloody glass out of his asshole when you start speaking in tongues about the word of God...but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are in your debt.  Only you, Tenor, can bring sworn enemies closer with the promise of free ribs.  And stiffing Dut with the bill isn't entirely out of the question, Grumpy.  Just throwing that out there.  Let's talk NBA.

Tiago Splitter remains the greatest name in the NBA this season.  How Splitter never considered an adult film career is beyond my brain power.  Do you think he calls his unit "The Bitch Splitter"?  Because I would.  No matter how many open hand slaps it registered.

The New Jersey Nets are Williams' hoarders.  I have no real explanation for this...I just happened to stumble upon their roster and discovered about 20% of it bears the last name Williams.  Heads up, Mo...I heard you're next.  Kris Humphries is a complete homosexual.  Unrelated to anything above, but 100% true.

Kevin Love has himself a bit of a temper.  Granted, if I took a 2-seamer directly to the fuckin pill box as Love did, I would be pretty fired up myself.  Shit, I'm pissed for him because we need Love's sperm to create future awesome, white basketball players.  But you should leave the stomping to people we expect it out of, Kevin...like dildo black guys who play for the Detroit Lions.  I know...I know...I would totally face stomp Scola too based solely on the fact that he is a foreigner and probably smells like an outhouse in July.  But you're KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM THIS WEEK, ASSHOLE!  If it were possible to catch and throw farts at people, Scola is on my list of potential victims.

Here it is.  What you've all been waiting for.  Savor the flavor because it sure as shit won't happen again.  I was totes wrong about Kyrie Irving.  That fucker can ball.  ELITE jinx right there.  What impresses me the most about this kid is how he's putting up those numbers with the second worst roster in the NBA (Behind Detroit of course.  There are times I'd bet my balls I'm watching their D-league team).  I feel at peace admitting my obvious error since he'll be on a different team once his contract is up.  Boom.

Remember when the Southwest in the Western Conference used to be the toughest?  Now it's just filled with Ben-Gay, boner pills and guys who buy dirty underwear worn by 12 year old boys off the Internet.  I can't believe how fucking old Dallas is.  It's a nursing home for Christ sake.  I hate that Jason Terry has a ring...I hate it more than I hate diarrhea.

Kenyon Martin to the Clippers was a great basketball move.  Now if only the Clippers didn't play in Los Angeles.  Martin in LA is about as smart as taking Josh Hamilton as your wing man to five day Rave party in Las Vegas.  Some "just sweep it under the rug and hope people don't ask questions" shit is gonna go down.  Any time you're dealing with a guy with lips tattooed on his neck, you can expect him to do something monumentally retarded.

ZOMG!  The Knicks have an American born Asian guy at PG who went to Harvard.  That is all.

I have a feeling most of you are going to hate this post.  Good.  It'll give you all something to bitch about when we meet on the 25th in the fiery bowels of Satan known as Columbus.  Hey G$...get your ass in gear with the details you were supposed to have out yesterday.  Maybe give the flesh light a timeout and clue everyone in on the only good thing that has ever come out of Pittsburgh Steeler football.  (Reader's Note:  This shot was taken before I went back to the home page and saw the separate post about rib fest.  Hurtful words retracted.)  Have a shitty day everyone.

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

Kmart epitomizes the word "thug".

Never question G$; he has it all under control. He's even going to pay for valet parking.

The Iceman said...

Knowing G$, I doubt where we're going is even remotely classy enough for valet. We'll be lucky to get toilet cakes in the urinals.

GMoney said...

And stiffing Dut with the bill isn't entirely out of the question, Grumpy.

Best idea ever. Would this be a dine and dash and Dut?

I can't believe that you had the stones to admit that you were wrong about Kyrie. He is so freaking good. I'll say it...better than John Wall.

How dare you say that the Cavs have the 2nd worst roster in the league! Alonzo Gee! GODY! Manny Harris is probably coming back from his stint with the Canton Charge!

They need a wing player (at least one) and a viable center. I could see them getting Jeremy Lamb or Bradley Beal in the lottery this year (MKG and Barnes are probably out of the question) and then maybe making a pitch for Kaman or Hibbert in FA. Either way, the building blocks are in place as we have a clutch playmaker who, by all accounts, isn't a total shithead like our last superstar was.

I will have my own thoughts about Andy at a later date. This just in: I love him.

Anonymous said...

Some big injuries in the NBA last night.

Sounds like Chauncey tore his Achilles and Gallinari fractured his ankle.

Kyrie is definitely the truf. Remember when he missed almost all of last year and was the # 1 pick? Remember when a few months ago G$ said that Sullinger wasn't gonna be top 15 now because he had BACK SPASMS? LOLZ!

Iceman....were you able to hop onto the Jared Bayless train before he officially blew up? I did.

Grumpy...how do you think K-Mart interacted with teh Chinese for hte few months that he was over there playing ball?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

2nd worst roster in the NBA? There are 2 should-be all-stars on that team in Kyrie and Andy. Fist yourself.

Seal

GMoney said...

Whoa, I never said anything about the top 15 for Sullinger. I said he is definitely not a top 5 pick and a borderline top ten pick (which is still a distinct possibility). Get it right. You must read with Jeremy Lin's eyes.

By the way, to comment on the baby pic of Kris Humphries, is he the biggest fag in the world? I think he might be. The wife was watching Man Caves for some reason the other weekend and it was a half hour of Tony fucking Siragusa rebuilding Kris Humphries' living room. It was the worst. Goose and Humph!

GMoney said...

Good point, Seal (you're still a bastard though). And Alonzo Gee is trying to deliver Gee-mail at the Dunk Contest, too!

Seal, were you surprised at the very positive reaction that the fans gave Delonte on Saturday? I sort of was. I mean, if you think about it and if the rumors are true, it's pretty much his fault that everything blew up. I was also pissed that I was the only one in my section to stand up and boo Vince Carter during the intro. Booing VC is our national pastime!

Anonymous said...

I was. But he was a fan favorite and loved Cleveland. His comment before the game "I dont consider Cleveland fans my fans, but instead my friends and I love coming back to see all my friends."

That being said, I completely agree. But there are a lot of stupid Cleveland fans that are blind to that - still seeing Lebron as the only bad guy behind it all.

Vince Carter is so terrible now he almost isnt even worth booing.

How great was it to hear the Q loud and crazy again? Ive been very impressed with the fans this year. Especially as a of late.

Seal

The Iceman said...

Seal can't criticize anyone after standing up G$ on Saturday...FACT!

And that doesn't change the fact that Cavs roster is ass. Now all we need is MuDawg fan on here celebrating the Hawks most average roster in the history of the NBA.

Drew...I opted for Jeremy Lin instead of Bayless. Word on the street is that Baron Davis may not even play this year. Since Shumpert sucks and Toney Douglas is just as bad at basketball as his brother Harry is at football, I figured why the hell not after back to back monster games from Yao (Jeremy) Lin. I needed someone to fill in for the 20 per game I lost with The Rooster.

Great advice on the trade, BTW. Just sucks he's down for about a month. That makes 2 studs (Bogut, Gallinari) that I've lost in the past 2 weeks. Hopefully Ginobili comes back soon since I just scooped him off the wire.

GMoney said...

VC is still better than Lamar Odom. I was openly yelling at the Cavs to not guard him on Saturday. The crowd was excellent, you are right on that.

Just because you look exactly like the guy, does not mean that Andrew Bogut is a stud. He is not. Although he is ELITE at giving air high-fives to his teammates that don't want to touch him. That will always be funny to me.

The Iceman said...

"Although he is ELITE at giving air high-fives to his teammates that don't want to touch him. That will always be funny to me."

Easily one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Thanks for reminding me how awesome that was.

I should rephrase...he's a fantasy stud when healthy...which rarely happens. Fantasy relevance and real basketball relevance are totally different.

Prime99 said...

Craig Ehlo is still a bitch.

Grumpy, what airline did you book me on for Ribfest?!

Brady said...

Seriously Iceman? This is the kind of post I have to look forward to on Tuesday's? It's just so hard to care about the NBA before the playoffs. Anyone want to discuss last night's Pawn Stars? Now that's interesting.

The Iceman said...

I figured if I keep raping your eyes with NBA posts, eventually you'll start to care. Rape usually gets results.

Grumpy said...

Drew, they should have made a reality show out of Kmart in China. Be a whole lot of half black babies soon.

Prime, I've had trouble booking your charter because they've had problems with musicians in the past. Maybe we can Skype you from Ribfest.

Anonymous said...

Are people really going to the hockey game after rib fest? My vote is on bars/strip clubs...

dut

GMoney said...

Yes, some of us are going to a hockey game after our Early Bird special. That doesn't mean that everyone is going to bed as soon as the game ends. Enjoy your 7 pm strip club show. I'm sure that the A-Listers will be on stage for that. I'm sure that they will be all over your groomed stubble.

GMoney said...

Dut, don't judge a book by its cover. Sure, college hockey may not sound great to you now. But were you really pumped about a Norfolk Tides/Columbus Clippers game this past Summer? That turned out to be pretty damn fun night. I'm not guaranteeing that a WWE Hall of Famer is going to show up at The Schott (yes I am, Stone Cold is drunk driving the zamboni that night!) though.

Mr. Ace said...

Have any of you ever watched Faces of Death? It was an old VHS that showed "real" deaths. That movie shocked me to the core when I was young, and I just read on Deadspin that it was mostly fake. I can't believe that fake death porn nearly ruined my childhood.

How much is beer at the Hockey game? That will be the ultimate deciding factor for me.

GMoney said...

I have no idea how much it is. I would imagine somewhere between 7 and 8 bucks for 20-24 ounces like every goddamn arena on the planet.

Faces of Death was HUGE at Avina...that place was ELITE!

Anonymous said...

Ace- you bring up a valid point... I don't believe beer is sold at osu hockey games. Can this be confirmed?

Dut

Prime99 said...

Understandable, Grump. I can't tell you how many airplane seats I've ruined due to damage and sexual stains.

STONE COLD! So worth it if he's there.

Brady said...

Holy Shit! I'm almost 99% sure I had a "Faces of Death" party while my parents were out of town when I was 15. The image that stands out most is the naked chicks covered in blood that were getting randy with eachother. Epic!

Brady said...

I was so proud of BGSU for starting to serve alcohol at the football games a couple years ago. They cahrge $5 for a 16oz cup. I'm guessing OSU will be a little higher since people actually go to that arena.

Anonymous said...

Beer is only served on the 200 level at Hockey games...just like basketball games. Maybe it's easy to get 200 level tix for hockey games?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Dut, when I went in December, my cousin had a big draft beer. He wasn't in a luxury box either, just two sections over. I didn't ask for DEETS though. Maybe the CCHA allows it??? All I know is that my cousin was drinking so either they sell it or I'm related to a bootlegger. I'll take either option.

GMoney said...

Drew, it is easy to get up there. I've sat there before.

Anonymous said...

Private Dancer always has A-Listers no matter what time of day or night.

-Damman

Brady said...

G$, is your cousins name "Tickle"? If it is, he is most def a bootlegger.

Anonymous said...

I sneak mini bottles of liqour into OSU basketball games weekly and enjoy Jack and Diet Cokes while I watch Sullinger fill up the bucket. So, tix location is pointless as long as you plan ahead.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I can't believe some of you thought Faces of Death was real. I'm dealing with bigger idiots than I thought.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, we weren't fucking 50 when it came out. I think I was 12 when I first watched it and it was just crazy. There were several parts that were real, the cyclist getting blown up by semi was definitely real. That shit was crazy.

Drew raises a great point. I need to find a flask.