Tuesday, February 07, 2012
This past weekend was wildly uneventful for me so instead of boring you with the details of how I whipped Ganondorf's green skinned ass, I'll just make a brief statement about Free Ribs Moneyshot Night. Before we move forward with this, I would just like to dedicate this historic event to the honor of Tim Tenor. You may make people cringe like they're watching a fag shit shattered, bloody glass out of his asshole when you start speaking in tongues about the word of God...but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are in your debt. Only you, Tenor, can bring sworn enemies closer with the promise of free ribs. And stiffing Dut with the bill isn't entirely out of the question, Grumpy. Just throwing that out there. Let's talk NBA.
Tiago Splitter remains the greatest name in the NBA this season. How Splitter never considered an adult film career is beyond my brain power. Do you think he calls his unit "The Bitch Splitter"? Because I would. No matter how many open hand slaps it registered.
The New Jersey Nets are Williams' hoarders. I have no real explanation for this...I just happened to stumble upon their roster and discovered about 20% of it bears the last name Williams. Heads up, Mo...I heard you're next. Kris Humphries is a complete homosexual. Unrelated to anything above, but 100% true.
Kevin Love has himself a bit of a temper. Granted, if I took a 2-seamer directly to the fuckin pill box as Love did, I would be pretty fired up myself. Shit, I'm pissed for him because we need Love's sperm to create future awesome, white basketball players. But you should leave the stomping to people we expect it out of, Kevin...like dildo black guys who play for the Detroit Lions. I know...I know...I would totally face stomp Scola too based solely on the fact that he is a foreigner and probably smells like an outhouse in July. But you're KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM THIS WEEK, ASSHOLE! If it were possible to catch and throw farts at people, Scola is on my list of potential victims.
Here it is. What you've all been waiting for. Savor the flavor because it sure as shit won't happen again. I was totes wrong about Kyrie Irving. That fucker can ball. ELITE jinx right there. What impresses me the most about this kid is how he's putting up those numbers with the second worst roster in the NBA (Behind Detroit of course. There are times I'd bet my balls I'm watching their D-league team). I feel at peace admitting my obvious error since he'll be on a different team once his contract is up. Boom.
Remember when the Southwest in the Western Conference used to be the toughest? Now it's just filled with Ben-Gay, boner pills and guys who buy dirty underwear worn by 12 year old boys off the Internet. I can't believe how fucking old Dallas is. It's a nursing home for Christ sake. I hate that Jason Terry has a ring...I hate it more than I hate diarrhea.
Kenyon Martin to the Clippers was a great basketball move. Now if only the Clippers didn't play in Los Angeles. Martin in LA is about as smart as taking Josh Hamilton as your wing man to five day Rave party in Las Vegas. Some "just sweep it under the rug and hope people don't ask questions" shit is gonna go down. Any time you're dealing with a guy with lips tattooed on his neck, you can expect him to do something monumentally retarded.
ZOMG! The Knicks have an American born Asian guy at PG who went to Harvard. That is all.
I have a feeling most of you are going to hate this post. Good. It'll give you all something to bitch about when we meet on the 25th in the fiery bowels of Satan known as Columbus. Hey G$...get your ass in gear with the details you were supposed to have out yesterday. Maybe give the flesh light a timeout and clue everyone in on the only good thing that has ever come out of Pittsburgh Steeler football. (Reader's Note: This shot was taken before I went back to the home page and saw the separate post about rib fest. Hurtful words retracted.) Have a shitty day everyone.