A couple of years ago, I actually tried to appreciate the “sport” of racing. It didn’t take. Tony Stewart was winning races while weighing in at 450 pounds; it just made no sense to me. I haven’t watched any part of any race in over three years probably. I regret nothing. Cars and speed just don’t interest me as much as zombies and Arlo Givens. I don’t like auto racing. It is a waste of time. Granted, without it, Dut would have never met his boyhood idol, Carl Edwards, but NASCAR can get fucked. Is it still popular? Is it still the largest growing sport in America? I’d bet that whoever came up with that stat is also the same company that says that CBS is America’s most-watched network.
So today, I’m going to rank my five least favorite sports. Some of these I have previously ranted about so there might be links to old posts if I’m feeling saucy.
5. Tennis – There are a few reasons why tennis sucks. The first being that no one from America is any good at it and the best players in the world have names with over 40 vowels in them. Second, the technology and stremph has made it nothing but aces. Long points are good. Rocket serves are not. Finally, not one man on the tour has any personality at all. Andy Roddick is only interesting because he gets to suck on Brooklyn’s knobs and that is something that I would very much like to accomplish today. I feel like tennis has just embraced the dull. And that's fine because I don't want to watch it anyway.
4. Lacrosse – It’s just your typical sport for rich, white asshole kids. The only famous lacrosse players out there are Steve Stiffler and the guys at Duke. Needless to say, this sport breeds rape.
3. NASCAR – I’ve already ranted enough. How about a sub-rant? My three least favorite drivers that I hope pull an Intimidator are:
a. Kyle Busch – He should probably be playing lacrosse.
b. Tony Stewart – acts like a tough guy…is most definitely not a tough guy
c. Carl Edwards – This is mostly just because he had sex with Dut and looks like Chris Barnes (my least favorite bowler ever)
Joe Gibbs still rules the world though. He and my boy, Denny Hamlin, are going to, uh, win a ton of races while watching our Redskins return to glory! Oh, you want me to make a prediction for Sunday's left turn-a-thon? Ummmmm...Jimmie Johnson?
2. MMA – Bunch of meathead closet-queers. Read this. I realize that every fighter and fan of this stuff could kill me in 5 seconds, but it still sucks. The pussy in me says that glorifying violence is bad for the children! Pro wrestling is much better and more realistic!!!
1. Soccer – I respect nothing about this game. I wrote about it more during the Women’s World Cup horse manure in the Summer. I was rooting for the Lady Nips in the Finals out of sheer spite for this crappy sport. And don't get me started on that ferry Euro shit that dickheads try to tell you is the most popular sport EVER. It is not a beautiful game because beauty isn't defined as "lame as Grumpy's dick". I could kick every soccer player's ass. FACT.
So, let’s get some more stuff off our chests today. I’ll just get it out of the way now: Other than “because you are a racist”, why do you hate the NBA? GO!