Friday, February 17, 2012

The College Hoops Hate Index

It’s been a pretty rough week here (as I keep mentioning) as far as content is concerned. But to lead us into the weekend, how about we all dig into our souls and fire off some good old-fashioned hate. With March right around the corner, it’s time for you to start following college hoops again. And with your sights set on the sport, it is also important that you develop a clear hierarchy on who you should be rooting against. Now, I know what you’re not thinking: But G$, that would take forever and ever amen! Don’t you worry about a thing because ol’ Dollar Sign has got your back. Today’s ramblings can best be described as The College Hoops Coaches Hate Index. It isn’t hard to figure out. I list the ten coaches most easy to root against (Guess what? Coach K made the Index in what is a surprise to no one!). So let’s reveal the names.

Dishonorable Mention – Paul Hewitt, George Mason – Damn this man. As we learned a few months ago, Drew thinks that Hewitt is Herb Sendek even though they share no similarities and feature polar opposite skin colors. Fuck Hewitt anyway for not being a pasty white guy!
Hate Rate: 4.9 Ashton Kutchers

10. Bob Huggins, West Virginia – I’ve softened by despise toward Huggy Bear over the years. When he was at UC, he was a complete shithead. Remember when he blew me off at his basketball camp? That was classic! Older Huggy is a little more relaxed and even-tempered and he may have even graduated a player recently. He just barely makes the cut based on his past.
Hate Rate: 5.8 Ke$has

9. Tim Floyd, UTEP – This guy has been a dumpster fire of bad coaching and rampant cheating everywhere that he’s gone. He is really weird-looking, too. There is just something about his face…he looks like an aardvark. I’m not really sure how this guy keeps getting work.
Hate Rate: 6.4 Lady Jane’s Haircuts…they’re wicked awesome!

8. Steve Alford, New Mexico – Ah yes, The Golden Boy. You know, for being “the next big thing”, he sure has done some very mediocre coaching jobs. Everyone thought that it was a lock that he would eventually get the IU job but even they chose ELITE cell phone user, Kelvin Sampson, over Alford’s overrated ass. Alford looks like an asshole, too. I bet that he calls his players “queers” and “faggots” all the time.
Hate Rate: 6.5 Donato’s Pizzas

7. Seth Greenberg, Virginia Tech – No one is better at being mediocre than this guy! Who leads the nation in “whining about not making the tournament every damn year”? It isn’t even close. Plus, he’s bald. No one likes bald people.
Hate Rate: 6.9 Coors Lights

6. Jim Calhoun, UConn – It is impossible for me not to look at Calhoun and think anything other than, “I guarantee that his coffee breath is ten times worse than Behrman’s”. He just looks like one of those guys. I’m not sure how many wins that he has but it is probably half the amount of liver spots on his ashen skin. Jim Calhoun is gross. And let’s not forget that this year is not the first time that he has walked away from an underachieving team due to “health reasons”. What I’m trying to say here is that Calhoun is a faker.
Hate Rate: 7.7 Seth Meyers

5. Tom Crean, Indiana – I’ve mentioned this before but Crean’s over-the-top act is very grating. He looks like the kind of guy that would take joy in farting in your face while you are gasping for air. He makes it easy to remember that you hate the Hoosiers. Apparently, Crean is married to a sister of The Brothers Harbaugh. Ugh, she must be hideous.
Hate Rate: 7.9 The Big Bang Theory’s

4. Bo Ryan, Wisconsin – If a bullfrog had sex with the keyboard guy from Wally and The Beavs and then had a demon child, it would look exactly like Ryan. I used to kind of like Ryan but then he stopped talking to black kids, made all of his honky’s shave their heads, and started Modern Nostril Warfare with Dale from TWD. I can’t respect that. And “Bo” is a cool name. Bo Ryan does not deserve to be a Bo. He is more of a “Beau” (like Beech).
Hate Rate: 8.1 Curt Schillings

3. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse – Let’s just lay it all out there: Boeheim harbored a pederast buddy of his for decades, allowed said coach’s wife to fuck his players right under his nose, and has not taught one kid how to play defense in 30+ years. That is quite the resume. I have said it before and I will say it again: zone defense is fucking lazy. Anyone that runs only a zone defense is a joke of a coach. Bob Knight may have been a crotchety old buttfucker, but at least he taught his players how to play fundamental basketball at both ends.
Hate Rate: 8.9 Russell Brands

2. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke – WHAT? How did Satan’s righthand man not get the #1 slot? Look, there is no doubt that Coach K is objectionable due to his bitchin’ combover, annoying long term success, and ritualistic buggering of Old Man Plumlee. We all know this. But you have to give the guy some credit for running a squeaky-clean program at a place where Rasheed Ghetto-Trash isn’t even considered for acceptance. And, he gave us Kyrie Irving and for that we thank him.
Hate Rate: 9.6 Khloe Kardashians

1. John Calipari, Kentucky – It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I hate Coach Cal so much. The fact that he thinks that he’s ELITE even though his resume staunchly refutes that? His pasty white skin? His over-animation? His complete shitting on of the NCAA rulebook? His never-ending deep pockets that continue to pay stud players? His sweaty nuts? The likely fact that he has never required a player to attend a class? The absolute fact that whenever he leaves a school, that place immediately gets hammered with sanctions? I hate John Calipari. He would have earned a perfect Hate Rate had it not been for the fact that the players that he pays to play for him are entertaining as shit to watch. It’s going to be fun watching Coach Cal shit all over himself this March. It is becoming one of my favorite yearly traditions.
Hate Rate: 9.8 LeBron James's's's's

So what do you think of the Index? I spent waaaaaaaayyy too much time slotting these guys exactly how I wanted it. I'm like the Joe Lunardi of this.  Let’s embrace the hate today, have a good weekend, and then stop on by Monday where we are probably going to celebrate Black History Month, G$-style.  That will be fun.

64 comments:

Grumpy said...

I hate Huggins the most, but I really want Coach Cal to lose to a #16. How awesome would that be?

Excellent job on this list.

GMoney said...

If Calipari lost to a 16 seed, that would be the greatest thing in the history of sports. Go Texas A&M-Corpus Christi!!!

Anonymous said...

Good list. Crean would be # 2 on my list though. I can't stand him.

Boeheim wouldn't even be close to my top ten...love that dude.

Really despise Huggins.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

No Billy Donovan? No hate list can be complete without Eddie Munster.

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck you - Coach Cal #1 and Bill Self isnt even on this list. Do you watch college basketball? Ok, i havent even read the post yet, i skimmed the rankings, so im going to go back and read now. Im sure ill have some more ammo in a minute...

Seal

Anonymous said...

yeah grumpy and I really want the Browns to win the Super Bowl next year. neither are happening, you old fuck.

Seal

Anonymous said...

LOLZ that Seal thought anybody but Calipari would be # 1.

I'd also have Calhoun higher. He's a huge cheater.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Calipari is likely to get Kentucky put on probation before the Browns ever win a Super Bowl.

Anonymous said...

And i actually agreed with Drew about Boeheim. He would be in my top 5 most likeable coaches.

You all would LOVE to have Cal as your coach. Sucks having the best recruiting class every single year...

Seal

Grumpy said...

And then vacating Final Four appearances and leaving the program on probation. Heard from UMass or Memphis lately?

GMoney said...

Sucks having the best recruiting classes every year and then hanging up all of those championship banners. Wait...

Seal, you're beginning to sound as dumb as Brady talking Urban Meyer recruiting.

You may like Boeheim, but what I say about him are facts. His wife is MILFy as fuck though.

I don't mind Billy Donovan or Bill Self.

The Iceman said...

He is more of a Beau ( like Beech).

This may be your greatest line in the history of this glorious site.

On the contrary, Seal. The destruction Clipari leaves in is path isn't worth the zero national titles he's bringing your team. You go ahead and keep him.

Billy Donovan must be on this list.

Prime99 said...

Did Patino paying for abortion keep him off this list?

Anonymous said...

A hate filled post with no mention of Ohio state or mr ace? What the hell has gotten into you? Are you a vegan now too?

Is beaux beech still terrorizing the streets of Napoleon?

Dut

Anonymous said...

I just realized that my comment was all questions? Can someone get me some goddamn answers?

Dut

Anonymous said...

"Sucks having the best recruiting classes every year and then hanging up all of those championship banners. Wait..."

This is his third year at Kentucky and he was in the final four last year. Go root for Miami, faggot.

When you root for real college hoops, then you can blog about it.

Seal

Anonymous said...

"Calipari is likely to get Kentucky put on probation before the Browns ever win a Super Bowl."

And Jerome Harrison is more likely to get fined for an illegal hit in the offseason before either of the above happen.

Seal

GMoney said...

John Calipari: zero Final Four wins since forever and counting...

I like Pitino, Prime, but yes, adultery and abortions kept him off the list.

Dut invented the question mark.

I admit that I, too, got a good chuckle when I wrote that part about Beau. But then again, I always laugh at my constantly awesome material.

Grumpy said...

"And Jerome Harrison is more likely to get fined for an illegal hit in the offseason before either of the above happen."

Talk about apples and oranges. Now you're not even making sense.

Anonymous said...

I could give two shits about his past at wherever he coached. He has been with UK for 2 and half years, he has had the best recruiting class every year and counting, he was in the final four last year, and he is 48-0 at Rupp. He teaches blue chip players to play defense and play unselfish. Thats pretty got damn impressive.

He will win a title at UK.

Seal

The Iceman said...

"i could give two shits about his past at wherever he coached."

Nice to know if Jerry Sandusky ever wanted to coach at the collegiate level again, Seal would welcome him with open arms.

No one is saying Calipari isn't a hell of a coach or a hell of a recruiter. Anyone with eyes knows that. He's just a terrible fucking person and that is what people have the problem with. You're willing to over shrug off his shady deals and crooked handshakes because you can't look at your own team objectively. Anything to win a title, right? You're probably an Ohio football fan too, aren't you?

Anonymous said...

No dumb ass, I went to UK - I am a UK fan.

And give me a break with the Sandusky analogy.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Ok I lied, UK is number one and they suck at football, OSU is #2.

Anonymous said...

Calipari offered Sullinger a nice sum of money just to decommit from Ohio State when he was coachign at Memphis....said he'd double it if he flipped to Memphis. Scum.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I was just reading an article on theclevelandfan.com and there was a Brady from Bowling Green who emailed a question to them about Bernie Kosar's incoherent tweets. Is this our Brady?

Tom Crean is number 1 on my list.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I like you, Seal, but it makes me sad that everyone is slapping in the face with their dicks today.

By the way, how was Grumpy's Cafe? Did you go to that place to be meta?

Anonymous said...

Ok Drew - show me where this is true. So full of shit.

Anonymous said...

Its fine - i enjoy when kentucky slaps everyone elses team in the face with their dicks come tournament time. Just like last yaer, huh Buckeye fans with the supposed best team in the tourny? Fucking losers.

Seal

Brady said...

Crean has to be #1 or damn close to it. He fucking whines after losses and won't shake hands like a punk. Fucking douchebag.

The Iceman said...

Damman, that is absolutely the Brady we know. He has that website saved on the favorites of his work computer. He does the least amount of actual work of anyone I know.

If Seal weren't such a huge Kentucky fan, he would not be defending Calipari so staunchly. In fact, he would probably hate him as much as the rest of the country does. That's what's so hilarious about this. Hypocrisy RULES!

Brady said...

Yes! That was me. I haven't even checked it out yet today.

GMoney said...

Someone please paste Brady's question into the comments. 100% guarantee that it is retarded.

Anonymous said...

Seal...that is straight from the mouth of Sullinger. He said that Calipari was the only coach that did that. He said that in a setting in which he had zero reason to make it up.

By the way, when is Anthony Davis's Father going to file that lawsuit against the Chicago paper for writing about Davis taking something like $ 180K to go to Kentucky. I'm still waiting for that promised law-suit.

--Drew

Brady said...

I think we all can agree that the quarterback position in Cleveland has been shit since the days of Bernie. Sure, the supporting cast hasn't really been there to help these guys succeed but overall it has been a cluster fuck. Kosar owned this town for a long time. That being said, what the hell is Bernie talking about these days? I follow him on Twitter and every tweet feels like a Peyote trip. Is he having a prolonged stroke? Should I call an ambulance for him? I'm seriously worried about the guy. This is one example out of HUNDREDS.

"Finished my sons Football, What an awesome group of A FOOTBALL FAMILY AT UNIVERSITY SCHOOL. THANKS AND CONGRATS.

Seriously, check out his twitter feed sometime. It's fucking crazy. –Brady, Bowling Green, OH.

ELITE question.

The Iceman said...

You had me at Peyote trip and prolonged stroke.

GMoney said...

Wow, Twitter Bernie makes Preseason NFL Game Bernie sound like Einstein. I'll give you props, that question was borderline ELITE.

Seal, are you going to tonight's FUCK YOU LEBRON Fest? Make sure you boo him extra hard for his dumbass remarks from a few days ago.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah? Sullinger told you this personally over coffee the other day? Get fucked. If this were true it would obviously be a bigger story, asshole.

Unfortunately I will not be in attendance - but im surprised you arent shitting on everyone after his comments yesterday, and them relating to your post a while back. Turns out you were right and the topic was relevant. Nice work.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Actually, he told my sister while she was interviewing him for a graduate school project. She didn't even know who Calipari was...it had nothing to do with the project..and it was just in small talk about teh recruiting process. He had zero reason to make it up. You are a complete fucking idiot if you don't think Calipari pays for many of these recruits.

--Drew

Brady said...

Lebron is such a pussy. His comments about coming back to Cleveland in the future were awfully close to his return trip to the Q tonight.

Anonymous said...

She may have misunderstood him as her head was probably being pounded into the headboard during this conversation.

You are a complete fucking idiot if you think he does anything different than any other coach out there.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Sure Seal...whatever makes you feel better. He's no different than anyone else.........soooo right.

When is the Anthony Davis law-suit coming? I'm shocked that it never happened. Wait...no...I knew it would never happen.

You win the biggest retard in the comments section award for today.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

By the way...I like how you went from the complete denial "He doesn't do that...it would be a bigger story if he did it" stage of denial, to the "everybody does it" stage. Beautiful...just beautiful.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Right....cause every other coach has their final four banners taken down too

Anonymous said...

Once again, Jeff - has a final four banner been taken down at Rupp? Nope.

And Drew - where in my comments did I say these words you are putting in my mouth? No where.

Seal

Jeff said...

We all know yahoo sports needs a little more time before they publish their next scandal story.

Anonymous said...

ok buddy - im waiting patiently.

The Iceman said...

"You are a complete fucking idiot if you think he does anything different than any other coach out there."


So are you saying that Calipari runs a squeaky clean program, Seal? Or are you saying that every coach is as dirty as Cal is? Which one is it?

Grumpy said...

Iceman and Drew on top of their games today.

GMoney said...

Seal may be getting CRUSHED today, but this...

She may have misunderstood him as her head was probably being pounded into the headboard during this conversation.

and this...

Unfortunately I will not be in attendance - but im surprised you arent shitting on everyone after his comments yesterday, and them relating to your post a while back. Turns out you were right and the topic was relevant. Nice work.

are ELITE!

I will be accepting your apologies for the rest of the afternoon. Remember how you all were wrong and accused me of shitty post writing a few weeks ago? I guess that I do have my finger on the pulse of asshole black prima donnas. Cocksuckers.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...exactly.

G$...You sure are being an easy whore with your ELITES. Volunteering a story about someone's own sister in this place is like me setting a softball onto a tee for him. No way was he gonna miss that. I knew that was coming, but I had to say what the source was.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I think we need more Seal vs Iceman/Drew arguments. They top Iceman vs Drew arguments.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

Team Iceman/Drew is an ELITE fountain of knowledge.

How have we gone this long without a single mention of Duke Silver?! I need a copy of "Smooth as Silver" rapido.

GMoney said...

Iceman, I was just assuming that everyone was taking a walk to clear their head. I tend to forget about Duke Silver and then when they reference him, I just lose it. Every. Time.

Drew, your problem is that you presented this whole Sullinger pay-off story as though it was sort-of common knowledge and that everyone knows about it when that clearly is not the case at all. The only witness to this is She-Drew who probably hates you and wants you to look like a faggot.

It's sort of like how I know for an ELITE FACT that ya boy, TP, got nailed for drugs in his dorm room when he was a freshman. Nothing ended up happening because Tressel discipline LOL.

Actually, that has nothing to do with anything but I feel like I can make that juicy nugget public knowledge now that he is in the XFL or whatever.

The Iceman said...

Duke Silver is very popular among the elderly female crowd and plays a killer sax. That could be one of the best alter egos ever created.

Anonymous said...

She does not hate me!

I believe your ELITE fact on TP. He is a member of your Raider Nation!

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Re-starting the XFL is an ELITE idea. I'm not sure you are even suggesting that, but Vinny Mac should make it happen.

"Memories of... Now" - Duke Silver is ELITE

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

Anybody want to talk 2013 recruiting? Urban is already doing work son!

/shows self out

Brady said...

By the way, is the possible relationship between Ann and Tom Haverford troubling to anyone else? I liked the now defunct "entertainment 720" as much as the next guy but Haverford needs to keep his slimy hands off of sweet, sweet Ann.

Prime99 said...

You mean "Winnie the Boo?"

My favorite Rashida Jones role was on Chapelle's Show on the Love Contract sketch. Kobe!!!!!

GMoney said...

Tom Haverford is the fucking worst. Jean Ralphio is just as bad. I don't find either of them funny at all. Duke Silver should murder both of them.

The Iceman said...

My favorite Rashida Jones role was on Chapelle's Show on the Love Contract sketch. Kobe!!!!!


BOOM! That was the most ELITE comment today. Good job, Prime.

Anonymous said...

Folks, folks, folks, do some real research about Calipari and get some actual facts instead of trumpeting the same tired drivel. Stop being sheep! GMoney, a good portion of what you've written may be tongue in cheek and satirical, but also intellectually lazy, weak, and not impressive in the manner in which you think.

GMoney said...

Yet you proved nothing wrong. And do I need to list a ton of facts to state why I hate Calipari? Your comment is lazy.