Friday, February 17, 2012
Dishonorable Mention – Paul Hewitt, George Mason – Damn this man. As we learned a few months ago, Drew thinks that Hewitt is Herb Sendek even though they share no similarities and feature polar opposite skin colors. Fuck Hewitt anyway for not being a pasty white guy!
Hate Rate: 4.9 Ashton Kutchers
10. Bob Huggins, West Virginia – I’ve softened by despise toward Huggy Bear over the years. When he was at UC, he was a complete shithead. Remember when he blew me off at his basketball camp? That was classic! Older Huggy is a little more relaxed and even-tempered and he may have even graduated a player recently. He just barely makes the cut based on his past.
Hate Rate: 5.8 Ke$has
9. Tim Floyd, UTEP – This guy has been a dumpster fire of bad coaching and rampant cheating everywhere that he’s gone. He is really weird-looking, too. There is just something about his face…he looks like an aardvark. I’m not really sure how this guy keeps getting work.
Hate Rate: 6.4 Lady Jane’s Haircuts…they’re wicked awesome!
8. Steve Alford, New Mexico – Ah yes, The Golden Boy. You know, for being “the next big thing”, he sure has done some very mediocre coaching jobs. Everyone thought that it was a lock that he would eventually get the IU job but even they chose ELITE cell phone user, Kelvin Sampson, over Alford’s overrated ass. Alford looks like an asshole, too. I bet that he calls his players “queers” and “faggots” all the time.
Hate Rate: 6.5 Donato’s Pizzas
7. Seth Greenberg, Virginia Tech – No one is better at being mediocre than this guy! Who leads the nation in “whining about not making the tournament every damn year”? It isn’t even close. Plus, he’s bald. No one likes bald people.
Hate Rate: 6.9 Coors Lights
6. Jim Calhoun, UConn – It is impossible for me not to look at Calhoun and think anything other than, “I guarantee that his coffee breath is ten times worse than Behrman’s”. He just looks like one of those guys. I’m not sure how many wins that he has but it is probably half the amount of liver spots on his ashen skin. Jim Calhoun is gross. And let’s not forget that this year is not the first time that he has walked away from an underachieving team due to “health reasons”. What I’m trying to say here is that Calhoun is a faker.
Hate Rate: 7.7 Seth Meyers
5. Tom Crean, Indiana – I’ve mentioned this before but Crean’s over-the-top act is very grating. He looks like the kind of guy that would take joy in farting in your face while you are gasping for air. He makes it easy to remember that you hate the Hoosiers. Apparently, Crean is married to a sister of The Brothers Harbaugh. Ugh, she must be hideous.
Hate Rate: 7.9 The Big Bang Theory’s
4. Bo Ryan, Wisconsin – If a bullfrog had sex with the keyboard guy from Wally and The Beavs and then had a demon child, it would look exactly like Ryan. I used to kind of like Ryan but then he stopped talking to black kids, made all of his honky’s shave their heads, and started Modern Nostril Warfare with Dale from TWD. I can’t respect that. And “Bo” is a cool name. Bo Ryan does not deserve to be a Bo. He is more of a “Beau” (like Beech).
Hate Rate: 8.1 Curt Schillings
3. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse – Let’s just lay it all out there: Boeheim harbored a pederast buddy of his for decades, allowed said coach’s wife to fuck his players right under his nose, and has not taught one kid how to play defense in 30+ years. That is quite the resume. I have said it before and I will say it again: zone defense is fucking lazy. Anyone that runs only a zone defense is a joke of a coach. Bob Knight may have been a crotchety old buttfucker, but at least he taught his players how to play fundamental basketball at both ends.
Hate Rate: 8.9 Russell Brands
2. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke – WHAT? How did Satan’s righthand man not get the #1 slot? Look, there is no doubt that Coach K is objectionable due to his bitchin’ combover, annoying long term success, and ritualistic buggering of Old Man Plumlee. We all know this. But you have to give the guy some credit for running a squeaky-clean program at a place where Rasheed Ghetto-Trash isn’t even considered for acceptance. And, he gave us Kyrie Irving and for that we thank him.
Hate Rate: 9.6 Khloe Kardashians
1. John Calipari, Kentucky – It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I hate Coach Cal so much. The fact that he thinks that he’s ELITE even though his resume staunchly refutes that? His pasty white skin? His over-animation? His complete shitting on of the NCAA rulebook? His never-ending deep pockets that continue to pay stud players? His sweaty nuts? The likely fact that he has never required a player to attend a class? The absolute fact that whenever he leaves a school, that place immediately gets hammered with sanctions? I hate John Calipari. He would have earned a perfect Hate Rate had it not been for the fact that the players that he pays to play for him are entertaining as shit to watch. It’s going to be fun watching Coach Cal shit all over himself this March. It is becoming one of my favorite yearly traditions.
Hate Rate: 9.8 LeBron James's's's's
So what do you think of the Index? I spent waaaaaaaayyy too much time slotting these guys exactly how I wanted it. I'm like the Joe Lunardi of this. Let’s embrace the hate today, have a good weekend, and then stop on by Monday where we are probably going to celebrate Black History Month, G$-style. That will be fun.