Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Boston Red Sox Still Suck

Nice to meet you, Jeremy Lin.
With February coming to a merciful end, that must mean that Spring Training is underway. I can’t think of a more pointless but popular activity than Spring Training. In fact, my dad is at Yankees camp in Tampa right now. He sent me a picture of Joe Girardi’s stupid caveman face posing with some dumb kid. I was not happy or impressed. And thus the baseball season has not technically but has pretty much already begun. While Ryan Braun is still cocking off about getting away with drugs and Albert Pujols apparently allergic to being called “Hombre”, neither of those two stories quite compares in annoyance like the Red Sox attempt at prohibition. This is the dumbest story ever. A little history lesson:

*2011 Red Sox sign Carl Crawford and trade for Adrian Gonzalez and are immediately World Series champions for the next decade plus.
*2011 Red Sox seemingly lose every game in September and complete one of the greatest chokes of all time on the final night of the season when they get buttfucked by Buck’s terrible Orioles squad (with Bowling Green’s Nolan Reimold!).
*Reports surface that Josh Beckett, John Lackey, and Jon Lester were sitting in the clubhouse during games eating fried chicken, playing video games, and drinking cheap light beer.
*Terry Francona is fired because it was the easy thing to do.
*Ownership/Management throws Francona under the tank by leaking a bunch of lies about infidelity and pill addiction.
*Theo Epstein trades himself to the Cubs; Cubs now a lock to be the worst team in the NL in 2012.
*Red Sox hire Bobby Valentine to manage. Francona replaces Valentine on Sunday Night Baseball for ESPN.
*Stupid Red Sox writers like Peter King and Dan Shaughnessy still want answers and apologies for the clubhouse shenanigans from the year before.  No one understands why they keep asking for something that they don't deserve.
*The Red Sox, from owner to players, still won’t remotely address their alcoholism.
*Josh Beckett, in his first presser since the season ended, does not apologize for being extremely unprofessional but vows revenge or something.
*Valentine bans beer from the clubhouse and on return flights back to Boston.
*Francona is skeptical of this move because…question mark.

That is pretty much the gist of this little saga. It basically boils down to no one wanting to accept responsibility and everyone just ignoring the David Ortiz-sized elephant in the room. There was a HUGE problem with that team, eventually it got resolved (sort of...at least in theory), but no one ever will talk about it. Make sense?  Of course it doesn't.

I don’t even see why this was EVER a problem. Did we learn nothing from that one Cardinals pitcher that died in a drunk driving accident, Josh Hamilton’s demons, Elijah Dukes constant zaniness (YOU DEAD, DAWG), or Tony LaRussa’s 400 DUI’s? Nah, let’s just enjoy Bruce Bochy inviting Brandon Belt into his office to share a few Bud Lights instead (from The Franchise on Showtime last Summer).

At what other job do you drink beer on-site? Why is alcohol even in there to begin with (and we will continue to ignore the long term "benefits" of the hundreds of Skoal logs that they go through each season)? Do these guys really need a beer that bad after a long day of being a designated hitter or short relief pitcher? Want a drink—GO TO A BAR, ASSHOLE. Look, nobody is happier at the LOLness of the Red Sox more than I am. But this is just so dumb. People are really arguing about whether or not it is OK to drink beer at work. Even someone as retarded and inbred as a Tigers fan understands that.  Terry Francona doesn’t think that it’s a good idea to ban it in the clubhouse though and that ol’ Fake Mustache will lose the team because of it. Hilarious.

Goddamn do I hate this franchise and fans and Jeff. Still though, inebriated Boston still has a better shot of making the playoffs this year than the Indians. Anyway, what kind of beer do you think that John Lackey drinks? I bet that it’s something white trashy like Red Dog or Coors Original.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

They should be allowed to drink in their clubhouse after games.

--Drew

GMoney said...

But why? That is what bars and strip clubs are for.

If you want to get crunk during a game, I can always refer to you the weeknight softball games at Riverdowns off teh banks of the muddy Maumee.

Anonymous said...

They've got to come down from their amphetamine/coffee buzz somehow.

The Iceman said...

Kill me. Drew's right. We already know the vast majority of professional athletes care just as much or more about the money than they do the enjoyment of the game. So why do we get all bunged up when we hear about them doing shit that reaffirms our beliefs...like drinking in the clubhouse while getting bounced from the playoffs?

Baseball is a completely different animal than other jobs. You can't really compare drinking beer in the clubhouse to having a flask in your holster while manning the friar at McDonalds. If you want to compare jobs with similar salaries, then go ahead, I guess...but keep in mind that most major money making dick heads almost ALWAYS have a bottle of something they sip on in their office.

Anonymous said...

I have a bottle of whiskey in my desk because I am better than all who don't. If I'm not mistaken, the pitchers were drinking it while not being in the rotation that night, correct? No biggie there in my opinion. I don't really care since I came in second last year in G$'s cockfest of a fantasy league, and I hate the MLB.

Ide

Jeff said...

This is a bunch of middle school girl drama, but it's not the beer that should be banned. It's the fried chicken.

GMoney said...

I guess this wouldn't have been a problem at all if someone on the team had some cock and balls and knocked Beckett out last year the first fucking time that he was shotgunning Beast Ice and playing Call of Duty while his teammates were playing.

By the way, Bobby V is going to fail miserably in Boston.

Anonymous said...

So far nobody agrees with G$.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That's alright, you're all just wrong.

Ide has a bottle of Beam at his desk like he's some sort of Don Draper. Fag.

Prime99 said...

I think Lackey drinks. Schlitz or PBR.

What about smooth talking business men who have glass bottles of liquor and offer drinks during important meetings. Oh wait, I've only seen tha on TV (and with Bochy on The Franchise.)

If you abuse it, you lose it. Get fucked Red Sox nation!

MUDawgfan said...

Bobby V started his usual trolling by claiming the Jeter flip against Oakland in the ALDS wasn't that big of a deal.

He ran his mouth for the Mets for the better part of a decade and Bobby Cox shrugged his shoulders and proceeded to beat the fuck out of him.

He's a clown and will be fired midway through his third year.

MUDawgfan said...

Also, John Lackey drinks "Little Kings" the beer of cheap and tasteless faggots.

Anonymous said...

It is a bottle of Basil Hayden. The very same bourbon featured on Deadwood. Boom. Unfortunately, it is not in a glass decanter, because I'm not that cool, and still roll in a cubicle.

I'm sure that Robert Quarles drinks it, and he went to UM and is from Detroit.

Ide

Grumpy said...

I agree with G$. It's my understanding that Major League teams traditionally have a nice food spread in the clubhouse after games, including beer. No problem with that. But why should guys be drinking beer in the clubhouse during games?

The argument that it's pitchers not in that days rotation doesn't hold water. What if the game goes 20 innings, they've used everybody and those guys are needed to pinch run or something similar?

Why does baseball keep recycling the same failed managers? I keep expecting someone to name Leo Durocher their skipper.

Anonymous said...

I visited one of my suppliers after work hours and the guy pulled out a legit bottle of moonshine from under his desk. He also gave me the VIP Bristol weekend.To answer your questions.. Booze in the workplace is awesome, and the dude with the moonshine is cooler than everyone here combined.

MLB players have been booze hounds since the beginning of time. Now everyone is turning into a bunch of babies because of the media and MADD. If players want alcohol in the clubhouse, give it to them. It's their responsibility not to let it affect their performance.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Wasn't David wells drunk when he threw a perfect game?

Dut

The Iceman said...

20 inning games rarely happen, Grumpy. And the more we let booze in the clubhouse the more likely we are to capturing guys on film getting Ty Cobb drunk, punching women and using racial slurs openly. Now that's a baseball world I would watch.

GMoney said...

If players want alcohol in the clubhouse, give it to them. It's their responsibility not to let it affect their performance.

--Jesus Christ, this is the sort of thinking that makes lawyers like Li'l Strut drool. Liability laws and whatnot, SON!

Wells was admittedly hungover. Big difference.

Let me ask you a question: are you cool with Miggy Cabrera having a few barley pops in the clubhouse after a game? Thought so. WIN: Me.

Ide, Quarles drinks Pappy Van Winkle. Limehouse drinks St. Ide's.

Little Kings is the worst. Check that--Hudy Delight is the worstest.

Brady said...

I think it's hilarious that the public will actullay believe that there is no beer in the clubhouse. Of course there will still be alcohol there. This is just a lame PR move by the Sox.

LOL at Valentine being the manager. That will cause more drama with that group of high school girls than the suppossed lack of alcohol. I can't wait for the first 5 game losing streak they go on. It will be epic.

Lay off the Red Dog! That was my dad's go to beer when I was growing up. I even collected the different caps when he was done puonding his six pack every night. He has since graduated to Amstel in his golden years.

Tribe will be in the thick of it this year. Well, at least until July when their whole team goes on the DL at the same time.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with G$, too. If I am a starting pitcher who has no shot of seeing the mound that night, I would throw a few back and enjoy the evening like most of the fans. Afterall, I am sure most of the team gets drunk on a nightly basis anyway, because of the fact that they do not have to be at the ballpark until the afternoon the next day. The pitchers are only getting a head start on the rest of the team.

If I were the manager I probably would have an issue with the players not being part of the "team" during the game, but I may have let them sip on something in the dugout, so long as they are not disruptive or a distraction and as long as they keep it to themselves.

Also, I would have a rule that nobody who drinks can drive home from the ballpark. I have no sympathy for multi-millionaires who get DUI's. Hire a fucking driver or a cab to pick your ass up or stay at a hotel near the park.



-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Baseball clubhouses are just such weird little worlds. From what we know about nutrition and all that stuff, you would think that only Vitamin Water and muscle milk would be available, but nope, just grab a few Miller Lites out of the giant tub of beer by the shitters.

Anonymous said...

Think about it this way: In what other sport can you be in the shape of C.C. Sabathia and be one of the best in the sport? A lot of baseball players, especially pitchers, are not required to be a great shape, due to the lack of endurance required to play their position. That is why beer and fried chicken is allowed in the clubhouse.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Not to mention, if you are going to require a team to constantly on the road and away from their families with very few nights off for about 7 months of the year, then you have to allow them to at least have a good time with eachother.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

The only thing cool about Red Dog is the logo upside down looks like Batman eating pussy.

The Iceman said...

Totally forgot to post this yesterday so here it is today. Since we were discussing the NFL combine, I would like to share this with you all. Brady thinks he can break the 5 second mark in the 40. Today. In his current state of being. Let me add Brady smokes about a pack a day and drinks about every other. And the most excercise he gets is the sweat he breaks when jerking off.

Anonymous said...

G$- miggy and his batting crown LOL at your last statement. That dude has been on the sauce for years and is still the best hitter in the game. He can do whatever he wants as long as he's hittin dongs and drivin in runs.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Iceman,

I don't know where Brady lives, but I think someone should record him running a 40 yard dash with a stopwatch in hand. the video should then be posted on this site. Hell, if you are looking for material, that could be one day's post.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

"A pack a day" is a little crazy there Ice. More like a pack a week if it's not a drinking marathon on the weekend.

I made that claim nearly 4 years ago. I don't think 5 is in reach anymore but I do believe I could hit 5.5 for sure. I bring the pain. If my awesome day at the range yesterday is any indicator of my ELITE athletic skills, then it will be no problem.

GMoney said...

Rich Eisen is in way better shape than Brady likely is and he can't even break 6 seconds. Brady sucks. He is less of a man than Brady Quinn.

And I don't think that all baseball players should become mormons, but beers being readily available in the clubhouse after games is fucking stupid. Need a drink that bad? Do it on your own time. You just went 0 for 4 again, Brandon Inge, so why am I buying Goebel's for you? This is professional sports not Rick's Sports Bar vs. The China Dragon.

GMoney said...

If my awesome day at the range yesterday is any indicator of my ELITE athletic skills

It is not. Next question.

Brady said...

Rich Eisen is lame. What is he like 40 or 50?. I am a muscular and lean 30 years old. An Adonis some might say. I can definitely beat that fuck by .5 seconds.

Grumpy said...

If Brady runs a documented 40 in under 6 seconds, I'll buy all the regulars here...uh, never mind.

The Iceman said...

I don't care if it was 5 years ago, Brady. You still wouldn't have broke 5. Shit...I would bet you wouldn't break 6 today.

Brady said...

So you are giving me 6 then? Awesome. I don't need the extra .5but it's nice to have it in case I trip or spot a hotty during my sprint. I'm confident enough that I would be willing to wager something. Thoughts?

Anonymous said...

I think another commenters gathering could be in order if he can't break a certain time. Since Brady is so confident (and since he could be buying) he should be able to select the location and food or drink.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

I'm not giving you 6 because even the fattest lineman can do that. I would consider 5.5