Monday, January 09, 2012

The Worst Of Wildcard Weekend Vol.V

Can I challenge my own decisions?
I got She$ a new over-the-range microwave for Christmas because I'm thoughtful and good at giving gifts and our old one worked about 30% of the time.  After it had been sitting on the kitchen floor for two weeks, I decided on Thursday to rip the old one down and install the new beauty.  I should have known better because this sort of project requires some carpentry skills and I possess none of those.  So we ask my next door neighbor to help put it in/do all the work and he agrees.  He comes over yesterday and asks if I have a drill.  This is a hilarious question since I don't even know what a socket set is.  He asks if I have a stud finder.  It took all of my will power not to answer that with a "your stud is RIGHT HERE" and then point at myself while flexing.  That kind of response would have earned a punch to the jaw.  But we got it up before the games started and all is well.  But my neighbor is moving soon and it's going to be a sad day when he does.  Now I'm going to have to do all this stuff myself which means the G$ Death Watch is on.  Shit.  What I'm trying to say is that you may want to start a pool for demise.  Anyway, onto the worst of this weekend's bad football games.

Jerry Jones - I was watching OTL on Sunday morning and they had a segment dedicated to the Cowboys and their Cambodian sweatshops.  Hilarious.  Jerry Jones must die.

Mike Mayock's lisp - There is no question that Mayock knows football but someone please get him a speech coach already.  Dude sounds like a queerbate.

Pacman Jones - Nice no-show, CHUH CHUH!  Imagine how bad he would have looked if Andre Johnson could actually catch on Saturday.  And on the deep touchdown, that was one epic faked-out-of-jock by Pacman.

Talking heads - Yeah, TJ Yates was shaky.  What were you expecting?  How can you blame a rookie for being skittish in his first playoff game?  He's still better than Jake Delhomme and Jeff "Mayock" Garcia.

Chris Crocker - CC may have had the most LOL performance in recent memory.  He should have worn a clown suit on Saturday with the way that he played.
1. Dropped an easy interception in the 3rd quarter that would have crushed Houston.
2. On the aforementioned Andre Johnson bomb TD, he was completely out of position.
3. And of course, how about when Arian Foster used him as a fleshlight for his touchdown run!  That was embarrassing.  Remember The Simpsons episode where Homer is the pee-wee football coach?  Nelson is the star player and he picks Bart up by the back of the jersey and uses him as a lead blocker.  That is exactly how Foster treated Crocker.  Hilarious.  Crocker should be unemployed yesterday.

Nate Burleson - What a worthless player.  He was brought in to be a solid #2 and instead he makes the team worse when he's on the field.  Why would a defense even cover him?

Matthew Stafford - Don't get me wrong, Stafford is awesome and showed this year that when he is healthy he is mos def ELITE.  But if you are going to throw jump balls, you only throw them to The Tron.  You don't throw them to Titus Young because he will lose every time.

Ndamukong Suh - Talent out the ass, but 2011 was a wasted and worthless year for football's Ric Flair.  Face it, he blew dicks this year...ALL YEAR.

Gunther Cunningham - Nice fucking defense.  If the Lions don't draft a CB in the first round, they should be nuked.

Inadvertent whistles! - Ruined the Lions momentum.  Maybe Tony Corrente should focus more on being a solid ref instead of shaving his head like a scrotum.  Then again, they weren't going to stop the Breesus anyway.  Still though, excellent season by the Lions.  Consider the roar restored!

Matt Ryan - When is this loser finally going to win a playoff game?  What is the point of drafting Julio Jones if you aren't even going to try and go deep on a terrible secondary?  Matt Ryan is a poor man's Tony Romo.  He got outscored by his defense!

Mike Smith - This guy does nothing right.  Has his team ever converted a 4th down?  I was listening to The Common Man and The Torg on Friday and the Torg picked Atlanta to win with the exception of that if Mike Smith went for it at all on 4th down, they would lose.  Clairvoyance, The Torg has it--this is such a Peter King sentence.

Eli Manning - Yeah, yeah, yeah...he's "ELITE".  There isn't a luckier QB in the league.  I can think of at least 5 times this year where Tardbaby completed a 4 yard pass and either Cruz or Nicks ran 80 yards for a score.  It's getting old.  I hate Eli.  What kind of a name is Eli anyway?  I hate the name Eli as much as I hate the name Ethan, Ian, and Skylar.  I hope that BJ Raji shits on his face next week.

Grumpy!!! - FEED US, MOTHERFUCKER!!!  Holy shit.  Holy shit!  I am writing this ten minutes after that game ended and I still can't believe how that game SAVED this weekend.  HOLY SHIT!  TIM TENOR IS THE TROOF AND THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!!!  No hiding it now, the guy just beat the Steelers in the playoffs.  That is some big fucking cajones.  I can't believe that I just watched that.

Big Ben - I'll tell you what, he's not going to get much pub from that game, but dude is a warrior.  His defense let him down and he has one leg and he fucking OWNED.

Ike Taylor - You fucking suck.  Who gets burnt constantly by Tim Tenor?

Champ Bailey - I would like to see the numbers behind how often a CB drops a pick and then the offense scores a touchdown a few plays later.  It seems to happen 100% of the time.  Once a Redskin, always a Redskin and Redskins drop interceptions.

Willis McGahee - You buttfucking sumbitch!  How dare you!  First, you let Ohio win a national title and then you almost let the Stillers win.  YOU ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING AND I HOPE YOU GET A TRANSFUSION OF RYAN CLARK BLOOD.

Grumpy again - He seems to be not too bad of a sport about this so far (8:30 PM) considering his team just got their hearts broken by Tim Tenor and Tim Tenor alone, he is taking MAD shit from the commenters already, AND he just lost a couple hundred bucks on dinner with a bunch of fudgepackers (myself included).

Tim Tenor fucking saves.  Never forget that.  He is not done (I hope).  Next up on the Tenor Murder Tour:  Belichick and Brady.  He is coming.  TENOR!!!  This is going to be a great commenting day.  Oh yes, this is going to be a great commenting day.


Grumpy said...

I'm ready for whatever comes my way. And ready for some ribs. You better fucking find us some great ribs. I'm looking at you G$.

No excuses. You don't let the worst QB in the league throw for over 300 yds. and win. Life goes on.

Jeff said...

Well Grump, I'll buy us each a piece of humble pie. No excuse for that performance by the defense. Some key areas need to be address in the off season, like finding an interior defensive lineman who wants to stay healthy and finding a corner who will cover a wide receiver after 20 yds. A cure for sickle cell wouldn't hurt either. I think riblets from applebees are in order for these assholes.

Anonymous said...

Easy sport. Applebees is where Steelers fans eat. Barleys is where Steelers fans are served crow. Or in this case a carnivore sampler with 4 glorious meats, baked beans, and fries.


GMoney said...

I forgot to mention the second case of ridiculous inadvertent whistling! That goddamn side judge was RIGHT THERE when Ben threw behind the line to Wallace who then fumbled it like a bitch (how is he going to to the Pro Bowl this year?). That's bullshit that that can not be challenged. Game would have been over in the 3rd quarter had they made the right damn call there and let the play go.

If I'm the Steelers (and thank God I'm not), I go CB in the first and hope that either that Wilson guy from VT or LaMichael Underbite get to me in the second.

Don't let Tenor take away from how bad of a coach Mike SMith is. Hopefully the Dawg will be around to echo that thought.

There has never been anything more important in the history of this site than setting a date for RibFest.

Grumpy said...

Jeff, I hope you and Drew will be at RibFest to provide me some backup.

MuDawgfan said...

The entire Falcons team needs an enema. But rest assured, we're going to fire Mularkey and hire motherfucking Todd Haley.

Ridiculous. Yesterday was an embarassment.

Anonymous said...

Grump....I'll be there. Fuck Tebow. I was rooting hard for your boys.

Why is the NFL even making Baltimore and New England play this weekend? Those two games are trash.

I had a real fun time being back up in Detroit for the Lions games. All of th bars had lines coming out of them a half hour before kick...great environment. Too bad our depeleted secondary got fucking exposed like no other in that second half.

I'm with you on Nate Burleson. EASILY my least favorite player on the team. Titus Young is wayyy better than him. Burleson reminds me of shitty Roy Williams.

I disagree with you on drafting a corner in the first round though. I'd like them to address that in free agency...and instead draft an OT in the first round.

I can't wait for next year.

I'm rooting for the Saints to win the Super Bowl because Brees is the man.


Brady said...

Couple things from this weekend.

1. There was a group 5-6 Asian dudes all decked out in Saints gear at the Perrysburg BW3's on Saturday night. They were the loudest and most obnoxious group of Asians I have ever laid eyes on (I thought Asians were quiet and hung out at the library on Sat. nights doing math problems). Everytime the Saints would do anything remotely good, the group would yell "Who Dat, Who Dat, Who Dat" at the top of their collective lungs. Keep in mind that the whole bar was filled with drunk thugs straight out of 8 mile. I thought I was going to be witness to my first real life hate crime. Alas, they left before it got really ugly.

2. Thank you Falcons for shitting the bed and garnering the Browns a higher draft pick this April. That was pathetic.

3. I don't know what to say about Tenor anymore. The dude just wins. I still hate him (2006 title game) but the guy threw for 300+ on the Steeler defense. I don't care who you are, that is impressive.

4. RIBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GMoney said...

Let there be no doubt: whoever comes out of the NFC is going to fucking MURDER the AFC representative in the Super Bowl.

Yeah, both AFC games could be steaming dumps but I am intrigued to see what the ratings for tonight's game are compared to Saturday night's Tebow/Brady duel. And Houston mos def can beat Baltimore if they can somehow limit Ray Ray.

Shit, I forgot to mention also that before the season, Cris Carter's black ass didn't think that Megatron was one of the five best receivers in the league. He's right...Tron is better than his top 5 combined. Calvin is an unstoppable force.

Chris Crocker...still LOL.

Anonymous said...

GOD! I wish we had a Patriots fan who comments here so The Money Shot crew can get free beers to couple with free dinner.

Maybe Stafford wouldn't have killed the Lions' season with that back breaking pick if he had just put his tits behind that terrible throw to a 8th string WR from Boise St.

You're taking this a lot better than I would be, Grump. Mad respect.

Anonymous said...

Did I think the Lions had a chance..... yes. Did the fumble recovery whistle kill our momentum.....yes. Am I angry about the outcome..... no. Stafford was trying to be like Denard out there a couple times just throwing it up there. The lions had to take adavantage of those TOs and score but we got 0 points out of them.

The Lions D was awful in the 2nd half. Our DBs have terrible catching ability and the game could have changed had they learned too. If you saw old Schwartzy on the sidelines he was ripping that D a new one.

Titus Young will overtake Burleson next year.



Anonymous said...

Lange...they just need to get rid of Burleson altogether.

Agreed on the dumb whistle. Sure that would have been nice to go up 21-7...but we weren't going to end up stopping them.

Scott Arniel fired by the Poo Jackets....G$ gets one of his wishes to come true.


Anonymous said...

I don't think the comments section can compare to the Facebook comment boards last night. I felt like a school girl dreaming of ribs and talking shit with everyone. Tim tenor is my favorite player of all time.

I haven't been to barleys smoke house yet. It better live up to my lofty expectations. I guess even a bologna sammich would be good if it was FO FREE!!

I am so jealous of those broncos fans at the game that were sitting next to all the white trash fans. Can we get a moment like that in Cleveland, please? One time?

I was surprised to see Grumpy takin it like a man just minutes after the game. Mad props, grump, mad props. I hope you enjoyed the Tim tenor video that I posted on your wall.



Brady said...

Grumpy did take it like a man last night. He showed up on Facebook like 2 minutes after Tebow broke his heart. Good show sir!

What the fuck was Ike Taylor doing out there last night?

Grumpy said...

Cleveland fans have no business talking about white trash. My limited experience in NFL stadiums leads me to believe that the fan base of most teams is comprised of mostly white trash. Blue collar guys (nothing wrong with that) who didn't go to college, thus the local NFL team is their only rooting interest. They get bleary eyed drunk on game day, abuse the other teams fans, yell obscenities all day and think that makes them manly.

Grumpy said...

Who has to be the unhappiest man in the world this morning? John Elway; he is totally screwed.

Grumpy said...

Off topic, but a must read:

GMoney said...

Tenor is so amazing that he even (finally) inspired Howson to fire Arniel this morning. Scott Arniel is the worst head coach in the history of coaching. I'm going to the game on Friday vs. PHX...trying to find the perfect brown bag to wear over my head.

I was walking the dog and listening to the game during the first few possessions last night. Dan Fouts is terrible. He said something along the lines of "this stadium is filled with yellow towels and orange towels; they should call it the Towelie Bowl!" And to that dumb remark, I said to the dog in my horrible Towelie voice, "You wanna get high?" I am hilarious.

Prime99 said...

The 4 or 5 simultaneous comments for "free ribs" on Facebook were phenomenal. I was at the Kings game and the put the Tenor OT play on the jumbotron midgame. That either says the play was awesome, or the Kings are that pathetic.

I think Tenor was angry after Grumpy's iPad besmirched his name with autocorrect- thereby creating a dominant nickname.

Anonymous said...

I'll add my tip of the cap to Grumpy for handling it so well. I think we owe it to him to take him to a classier joint than Private Dancer.

Romeo Crennel has officially become the head coach of the Chiefs. The Chiefs just became the most entertaining team in football.


Anonymous said...

I guess I don't have to wait until tomorrow to announce this. The winner of this year's Money Shot Bowl Pick Extraveganza...and I can't believe we all let this fuckin Dut. He has a 2 game lead on Drew going into tonight's bore-fest. We should all hang our heads in shame.

Dut, give me your address in my Facebook inbox so I can mail you your prize. Or give it here so this group of ingrates can mail you things randomly. Like tampons. Or boogers.

Anonymous said...

I already have his address. It's where I forward all of my hardcore hentai rape porn. It never gets sent back.

Every time I hear about Romeo Crennel, I think about that cookie story. I'm halfway certain, that's why the Browns extended him an offer.


Anonymous said...

Are you really surprised at my dominance in the pool? Obvz I am the most intelligent poster on this shitty blog.


Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

The only bad part about last night's Denver win was watching Elway and his gigantic horse face celebrating on the sideline. Seriously, is there any other human on the planet that looks more like a horse than Elway?

Congrats Dut on your win. Next year I'm just going to close my eyes and throw darts at a wall for my picks. Couldn't do any worse.

Anonymous said...

Part of the prize should be a poloroid of a homeless guy's asshole.

I guess Dut winning is easier than Drew winning. With how much effort Drew puts into staying off the grid, getting an address out of him would've been like getting a $5 hot & ready out of the hands of Damman's next sexual victim. It's like attempting to take a full dog bowl away from an emaciated pit bull.

Mr. Ace said...

Lets set up a date for this Barley's Tim Tenor extravaganza!!! I want some fucking wings!

Did you Lions fans see Aaron Berry's tweet? Something along the lines of telling Lions fans to go back to being broke and miserable. Class act.

I fully expect Timmy Tenor to ride off in a chariot of fire after scoring the game winning TD in Foxboro.

Grumpy said...

If Tim Tenor beats the Pats I'll...wait, never mind.

GMoney said...

Brady, Sarah Jessica Parker is the answer to your question. But I have to admit, when the cameras caught Elway applying chapstick to himself, I LOLed.

Obvz this is a HUGE if, but if Tenor can knock out the Steelers, Belichick, and Ray Lewis in consecutive weeks, he's going to the Hall of Fame immediately, right?

Anonymous said...

I almost said that I would tattoo a #15 on the head of my dick if that happened...but in light of the Steelers getting "Tenor'ed", I don't want to risk my penis head to the slight chance God smites me for betting against Tim Tenor.

Although a #15 on the head of my dick would be a nice homage to my high school football playing days. Hmmm.....

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I lost on purpose. I did not need to get an envelope in the mail from you only to open it up and have a bunch of your pubes fall onto my table.


Anonymous said...

Drew, it's like we've known each other our entire lives.