Monday, January 02, 2012

The Worst Of Week Seventeen Vol.V

Suck on that, Orakpo.
Last week, while at work, I got a call from an unknown number with a Chicago area code.  I answer it thinking that it might be my sister or something.  It was not.  The guy said who he was but I wasn't paying attention at all and asked him to repeat (this happens a lot).  It was the husband of a friend of mine from college.  This was strange since I've only talked to him once before and it was about the Blackhawks at another wedding but whatever.  He said that some situations have recently happened to he and my college friend that made them consider life options.  I'm confused as shit at this point.  Oh great, now he wants to talk to me about life insurance.  Wait a minute, WHAT?  What the fuck is going on here?  She$ and I already have life insurance (she is going to clean the fuck up when I die next week by the way) and I tell him this but he does not seem to care.  He wants to skype with us or something this coming week and give us a 20 minute presentation laying out a bunch of options (not happenin', just send me some literature that I won't read).  I was so goddamn stunned that I couldn't think of a reason or excuse to blow him off.

So I told him to request my friendship on Facebook and email me.  He did.  I haven't replied yet.  It's been four days now.  I hope he gets the hint that I did not appreciate that kamikaze tactic.  I am still confused how my friend could give away my phone number and allow me to be spammed on a cold call.  I don't want to be a dick since she is a friend of mine, but then again, what friend would do this?  The wife is on the same page as I am and said to just blame her (which I plan on doing anyway).  But the course of action I plan on taking now is the one of stupidity.  I'm just going to ignore it and hope he goes away.  If he sends me another email, then I just play dumb.  Either way, this blows and I will not be listening to anything.  Never trust anyone.  Ever.  Let's get talking about terrible NFL play.  I will probably write way too much about this since no one else will be working today.  Fags.

Last Wednesday's Post - Yeah, just ignore that one.  It was a good thought that the Colts don't want Luck, but fuck me.

People that disagree with this - Maurice Jones-Drew is the best RB in football.  Period.  How can you lead the league in rushing (by a lot) while playing on the worst offense in the NFL?  Dude sick.  I'll take him on my fantasy team any time.

Lions Defense - The fuck?  What a terrible effort.  Over/under on Drew Brees touchdown passes next week is 7.5.  Take the over.

Actually, both defenses - Fat Stafford and Matt Flynn were pretty nasty though.  If the Redskins signed Flynn tomorrow, he would immediately become the best QB that we've had since Mark Rypien (greatest QB of all time).

Black Monday - I like a good coach firing.  Today should be fun at the Spagnuolo, Morris, Caldwell, and Norval Turner households.

The Sanchise - This guy blows.  It probably didn't help that Santonio quit the team in the 2nd quarter.  The Jets signed him to a 5 yr/50 million dollar deal this past offseason.  LOLZ!

Rex Ryan - It's south Florida.  You don't need a sweater vest.  And please don't guarantee any more Super Bowls.

Michael Strahan - Dammit!  His fake sack record still remains as the much cooler Jared Allen falls a half sack short.  Maybe if Josh McCown was as much of an embarrassment to the game as Favretard was, he would have laid down for The Mullet.

Stevie Johnson - Way to get benched in the first half because of your cocksucking undershirt, asshole.  Jesus, this guy has to be the dumbest person in a league filled with idiots.

Jake Delhomme - HE'S BACK!!!  Christ, how many Texan QBs are going to get hurt this year?  If I was still a gambling man, I would be pumped to see that I can still bet against Delhomme in the playoffs.  Why the fuck did they go for 2 from the 7?  That made no sense unless they really want to play Tennessee again next week.  Which they probably should because Tennessee is AIDS.

Sean Payton/Drew Brees - Fellas, all of this running up the score that you've been doing recently is going to come back to bite you.  Mark it down, all of these meaningless one yard touchdown passes to Jed Collins will haunt them.

El Sex Cannon - If that was your last start in Washington, well, uh yeah.  It was pretty funny that the RedZone channel didn't show one live play of this game.  It was almost like it never happened.  If the starting QB for the Skins in week 1 next year isn't Luck, RG3, or Flynn, I am going to be pissed.

Bengals/Texans? - This game will get worse ratings than the Belk Bowl. Actually, both AFC wild card games have huge turd potential.

Orton's Revenge! - I don't understand why this was a big deal all week.  Orton was fucking terrible and got benched.  He asked to be released and the Broncos allowed him to find work elsewhere.  He did.  Exactly what was he trying to prove again?

Al Davis's Honor - Guess not.  At least they aren't giving up two first rounders for Carson Palmer though.

The Steelers - So we're all in agreement that this team is just a skidmark better than the Browns, right?  I mean, did you watch those two games?  Those teams are even.  The troof hurts.

Believeland - Honest question: is there one single person on this team to be excited about?  Joe Thomas is a stud but you don't watch games to see how a LT is doing.  There is ZERO reason to watch the Browns.  Draft Trent Richardson and Alshon Jeffery/Michael Floyd in the first round and maybe people will care again.  Maybe...

Kris Humphries - I just had to mention this.  The Nets and Cavs played last night in Believeland.  Humphries went up for a dunk and got stuffed by the rim.  It was glorious.

Tim Tenor - Hmmmmm...that was quite poor.  We all know that Tenor is saving himself for marriage.  I like to think that he is also saving decent QB play for the Steelers.  He fucking better.  It's not like he's going to have to worry about Ryan Clark's AIDS blood though.  GO TENOR!!!

Feel free to talk bowl games or whatever.  That's it.  Oh, and I won another fantasy league yesterday.  2 this year...ELITE.


Anonymous said...

I also won a Suoerbowl yesterday, so this year wasn't a total waste.


The Iceman said...

I just had to mention this. The Nets and Cavs played last night in Believeland. Humphries went up for a dunk and got stuffed by the rim. It was glorious.

Same thing happened to pube head Varejao against the Pistons last Wednesday. I guess that's what happens when your body is made of jello.

I said that Holmes signing was dumb as shit from the start. 51 catches for just a shade above 600 yards and 8 scores! WooooooWeeeee! Lightin up that stat sheet! What a waste of fuckin money that was.

I ended up breaking even in fantasy football this year. I should be happy since I was top 4 in points scored in 3 leagues and missed the playoffs in all 3 of them. But I'm not. Ended up winning one and took first in a pickem pool. I'm actually really glad it's over though.

Matt Flynn has the second squarest head in football behind Phil Dawson.

GMoney said...

Was Tim Tenor playing in that Suoerbowl?

Grumpy usually checks in by now. Did my saying that the Browns and Steelers are even finally kill him?

Ide, I hope you're sitting down to pee, but I won my title yesterday with Alex Smith. Although starting David Akers is like having two QBs.


FACT: Other than New England, every NFC playoff team is more interesting/entertaining than the other 5 AFC teams.

Grumpy said...

Ryan Clark is already down a spleen and a gall bladder; he will play.

Tenor sucked against the Chiefs; can't wait to see him against the #1 defense.

The Harbaugh's should form a wrestling tag team duo, The Whiny Little Bitches.

GMoney said...

I didn't hear any disagreement that the Browns and Steelers are equals...

Iceman seems to think that Matt Flynn is a fluke. He might be but the guy has had two starts in his career and has OWNED in both of them against playoff teams. He is clearly smart and can make the throws. I don't know what he'll make in free agency but something like 5 yr/40 mill sounds OK. It's not like it's my money. And he's Irish so you know he can handle his booze.

Anonymous said...

Suh is becoming more and more of a deuche. Celebrating when you can't stop a backup qb? In fact this goes for everyone..... if your team is losing by 2 scores or more you should be penalized for acting like you just won the superbowl.

Why is stafford getting no love this year? The lions have no running game and he goes nuts with over 5,000 yards passing and 40 tds. He may pack a few extra pounds but he is only 23 years old.....

Nothing made me happier than watching tony r(homo) and the cowjones get bounced from the playoffs.

Lions lose 42-31...... hope im wrong but the future looks good in detroit.


Anonymous said...

G$- I won 2 leagues this year and got 3rd in another.... Im thinking of going back to school to be a fantasy football consultant


GMoney said...

Suh better watch himself. He's quickly becoming OVERRATED.

Matt Stafford is good at QB. Happy now?

Jerry Jones taking questions from the media after the game was just a delight. Reiterating that Jason Garrett will still be the coach and that he will still be the GM means that the Cowboys will continue to be mediocre. I love it. By the way, Felix Jones is fucking terrible.

Mr. Ace said...

Just be warned Lange, every player you go after during next years fantasy drafts I am going to get. You are the luckiest man alive.

Shady McCoy is still the best RB.

Pretty sure the Eagles are the greatest team to ever be left out of the playoffs. The only competition would be the Packers. #moralvictories...Yeah, I just hashtagged in your comments.

GMoney said...

Dammit, forgot to mention how stupid the Hines Ward milestone was. Go ahead, do your dipshit smile on a -3 yard pass so your retarded fans can wave their cumrags around. The only Hall of Fame that Ward should be in is the Cocksuckers HOF. FACT!!!

Anonymous said...

G$, Ill see your Alex Smith and raise you Evan Royster. (helps that I also had Brees, Megatron, Julio Jones, and Antonio Gates)

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace,

Thanks for the Barry Sanders card and Ed O'Bannon card with my MSFL victory monies. Its no fleshlight but its pretty close.

The Heat are going to go undefeated this year.


Grumpy said...

Hines Ward defines ELITE! See you in Canton.

Unless I'm mistaken, among the Money
Shot regulars, Drew, Jeff and I are the only ones with a rooting interest in the playoffs.

Yeah, the Steelers are barely better than the Browns. About 8 wins a year better.

The Iceman said...

I DO have a rooting interest. Against the Steelers.

Matt Flynn has Matt Cassel written all over him. And both of their names are Matt so it's almost a lock Flynn will be as shitty as Cassel once he gets Ryan Fitzpatrick money.

The Iceman said...

Hines Ward might be the worst WR to ever get inducted to the HOF. I'm sorry...I stand corrected. Third worst behind John Stallworth and Lynn Swann.

GMoney said...

Lange, Ape sent me a Steve McNair, Michael Westbrook, AND a Rae Carruth! That was a pleasant surprise.

Yeah, I have 11 favorite teams in the playoffs. What are you talking about?

I have faith that the voters will realize that Hines Ward was a joke of a player and not even consider him for the HOF. Even a tardbilly like Peter King is unsure if he's a candidate and that moron wants to let everyone in.

Flynn > Cassel because he actually was a starter in college and won a title over Ohio and has a killer beard. To be fair, Cassel won a division last year.

The Iceman said...

Cassel did win a division last year...the same division that Tim Tenor won this year. The same division that Norv Turner coaches in. If not for the NFC West, the worst division in football.

Let's be honest. You're less excited about Flynn's skill set than you are with the prospect of someone other than Grossman and Beck. I just have a hard time trusting guys who were drafted for the sole purpose of being a backup. I mean...he barely beat Brian Brohm out for the #2 spot on that roster.

Prime99 said...

Iceman, look at the NFC West vs the AFC West this year and tell me which is worst...

It was hilarious watching the Raiders lose. Allowing Tim Tenor to back in to the playoffs is embarrassing for Al Davis' crypt.

I'll cheer for the Niners and/or Saints. Also I'll cheer against the Packers and/or Lions. Lots of rooting interest... at least in the NFC.

The Iceman said...

Correct. This year the AFC West was much, much worse. But historically the NFC West is pretty consistant when it comes to unwatchable football.

Mendenhall may have torn his ACL yesterday? I guess that's what happens when you're a terrorist.

Anonymous said...

Whew, just woke up a half hour a go. Not working today is ELITE.

I received a Sandy Alomar Jr. and Bryant "Big Country" Reeves card in my MSFL prize pack. Well played, Ace.


Grumpy said...

1,000 catches, over 12,000 yds. and the best blocking WR ever makes him a lock.

Steelers 16 out of the last 17 against the Browns=barely better?

Brady said...

If the fucking Steelers figure out a way to back their way in to another AFC Campionship or Super Bowl this year I might just end it all. I'm seriously sharpening my knife while crying right now. At least we hurt another one of their players.

The Browns are definitely not exciting. Their defense is serviceable but they desperately need some playmakers on the offensive side of the ball. I believe the front office knows this and will draft accordingly in April. RG3 and Alshon Jeffrey will do just fine.

How much more $ did Matt Flynn make yesterday? 5 million? 10 million?

The Iceman said...

The Browns need to sell the farm and get Luck. It's the only way Cleveland is going to escape whatever loser haze that has been hovering over the city for all these years. Every other shit team seems to get better once they have a QB they can build around. Why not Cleveland? It's the right move.

Grumpy said...

Brady, show me the AFC Championship or Super Bowl the Steelers "backed into". That's just moronic.

The Iceman said...

I feel like the whole "friend giving my number without my permission thing" hasn't been discussed enough.

What was the fallout? Did you say something to your friend? Is there revenge being planned? Have you removed this "friend" from your life completely? I need answers...

Brady said...

Im not convinced that Luck is going to be a better pro than RG3. I say we save all those other picks that would have to be traded to get Luck so we can fill the other 50 holes on this team

GMoney said...

Best blocking WR ever...YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED. Who cares! That is not important or quantifiable for HOF consideration. If I said that David Boston was the best blocking receiver ever, prove that I'm wrong and show your work. Gotcha, can't do it.

Tim Tenor hands the ball off better than any QB in the history of the game. Tony Romo leads the universe in smiles. Wes Welker is the all-time leader in white grit. Someone get their jacket sizes for Canton!!!

His numbers are inflated due to the pass-happy rules and the voters will see right through this. If actual game-changers like Cris Carter and Andre Reed and Tim Brown all had to (or still are) wait way too long, this possession receiver will never get in.

I hope Brian Dawkins murders him this weekend (if Faggot-X even plays).

Big Country! I feel like I got ripped off!

Colts take Luck. Browns are a wild card. I would guess that the Skins jump all over RG3 if he makes it to them. If not, I suspect them to go after Flynn. I can live with either.

GMoney said...

And Ohio fucking sucks.

Anonymous said...

Hines Ward is also the best cheap shot artist in NFL history too. So he has that going for him.

Ed Cunningham and Mike Patrick are comically bad.


GMoney said...

I should apologize because I really don't care about the football HOF. I just know that (insert Asian stereotype) doesn't belong.

Ohio still sucks. They should get married Mike Patrick because those two deserve each other. And I say this without having watched one play of this game.

Grumpy said...

I will text you from Canton when Hines is inducted. If I'm still alive.

GMoney said...


What a terrible conference.

I have a lot of good ones right now but I don't want to ruin Iceman's post tomorrow.

Fuck it. Why would Urban Meyer come back to coach THAT program? They've only won six games in two years!