Monday, January 16, 2012

The Worst Of Divisional Weekend Vol.V

This weekend, Oregon Jr. QB Darron Thomas announced that he was leaving Eugene early for the NFL.  When I first heard of this, I scratched my head a lot.  Why?  He is a stick figure and has no chance in Hell of ever being a starter in the league?  Remember Dennis Dixon?  He was way better in college than Thomas and he barely dresses for games now.  Then Joe Schad reported that Thomas is leaving because he doesn't want to have to compete for the starting QB job next year with some other guy.  The fuck?  First of all, why would there be an open competition at all considering what Darron has done the last two years?  Second, he's basically leaving school because he doesn't want to try and demands that everything be handed to him.  OK, so he is walking away from a place that is perfect for him to be a 6th round draft pick with no shot of ever playing?  Does he think that the NFL is less competitive than the Pac-12?  Darron Thomas is a fucking idiot and I GUARANSHEED that this is a horrible decision that backfires bigger than shit.  A career backup quarterback is throwing away his last chance at ever starting.  Dumbass.  Tenor-mania is officially over but the Smiffpocalypse has begun.  Let's get it on:

Drew Brees - His two interceptions were brutal decisions but things are going to happen when you "fire that fucking pigskin" 63 times.  It's sort of amazing that the Saints were still in it while being -4 on turnovers.  This game was goddamn incredible though in spite of the turnovers.  I actually caught myself rooting for the Niners and I never thought that I would root against the Breesus.  Actually, let's talk about each of the final four touchdowns in that amazing 4th quarter:

TD pass to Sproles - If there was a separate MVP award that went to non-QBs, it would have to go to Sproles (or Akers), right?  Tiny Darren seemingly runs a 2.5 40.  By the way, AJ Smith and Norval Turner let him walk from the Chargers this past Summer.  They remain employed.  Make sense?

TD run By Alex Smiff - What a great play-call.  That was such a beautiful play.  Who runs a goddamn QB sweep on third and long!  I'm kind of happy that Ol' Small Hands is coming into his own this season.  Good for him.

TD Pass to Graham - It wasn't a very good decision by the Breesus but the awesomeness of JIMMAY bailed him out.  I hope you all saw the slo-mo replay of Graham scoring and slam-dunking the ball over the crossbar because, in the background, Tony Siragusa has the dumbest look ever on his face.  Totes LOL.  His mouth is wide open and I'm pretty sure that he's drooling.

TD Pass To Vernon Davis - Amazing.  Vernon flat out abused Malcolm Jenkins on the final two drives.  I loved that San Fran played for the win and not overtime.  Smiff's two passes to Davis on this drive where ELITE.  GREAT GAME.

Vernon Haters - I loved that he was so happy that he was crying while coming off the field after the touchdown.  Repeat: I LOVED THAT.  It hasn't been the easiest run in SF for the stud TE and I thought that it was really cool for him to be so emotional.  Suck on that, Mike Singletary's chili-ring!

Jim Cornball - "Who got it better than we do" and giving the team personally monogrammed gas station attendant shirts?  What a dork, that Jim Harbaugh.

Tony Siragusa - He carries a Sharpie around with him but nothing to write on.  Somehow, that makes sense considering how much Goose sucks.

The notion that not every game matters - Those who argue with me that college football is better than the pros tend to use the argument that "not every game matters".  The Saints proved that theory incorrect.  Think about it: had they not lost at either the Bucs or the Rams, I am 100% confident that they are still playing.  The Saints are out because of games that they lost in September and October and thus had to play out of the Dome.  Fact!

The Denver Tenors - If you believe that the Denver season was made to be turned into a movie, then you should have noticed (like I did) that the ending of that movie was last week.  The win over the Steelers was the climax.  It wasn't going to happen again.  Tim Tebow is a great story and all (and an even better person) but he wasn't about to walk into New England and beat Bill Belichick's game plan.  They were sent to NE to get slaughtered because they already won their Super Bowl.  Period.  14 negative yardage plays though?  Terrible.  At least they kicked a field goal while down 35 points in the third quarter!

John Elway - I do not envy his job this offseason.  Look, Tenor is their QB which means that the organization has to build and draft accordingly.  That means taking a ton of strange hybrid players like Percy Harvin-types and athletic tight ends that they don't have.  Also, the aforementioned Darron Thomas would be a nice risk for them since he can only run the read-option offense, too.  It's a weird situation to be in that the Tenors are going to be building their team in a completely different manner than the rest of the league.  And they have to because if they bail on TEAM TENOR, their fans will revolt.

Aaron Hernandez - Running back?  What sort of drugs do you have to be on to say, "let's give our tight end 5 carries this week"?

Tom Brady being a troll - Come on, dude, you don't punt on 3rd down.  That's just embarrassing an opponent that you've already embarrassed.  Why not just run it up the middle one more time and then punt?  By the way, I barely watched any of the second half of this game in lieu of Restaurant Impossible which had back-to-back shows with terrible eateries in northeast Ohio.  Quality programming!

Von Miller - Dude, I would have been pissed about that punt, too, but if you are going to try and blindside somebody, you better kill him.  Don't pull up at the last second.  DESTROY!

Phil Simms - The absolute worst announcer on the planet.  Whether it be him not knowing what constitutes a catch or that even though Deion Branch pushed off on his touchdown catch that that was not PI, Simms is a hillbilly fucktard.  If I ever decide to kill myself (cross your fingers), I would leave a tape of Simms' game on Saturday night as my suicide note.

Jacoby Jones - Anyone else believe that if this dumbass doesn't muff the punt in the first quarter that the Texans win?  Also, it's hard to point fingers at TJ Yates since he shouldn't be in that position anyway, but Houston wins if Schaub is playing.

Joe Flacco - You're right, Joe, you won't get any credit for that win.  Complete 55% of your passes first, douche.  And for God's sake, get rid of that fu manchu.

Ray Lewis - This game was boring as shit except for the fact that Ray Lewis was so terrible.  He had to have AT LEAST 15 missed tackles on Foster alone.  No one will grill him for being shit because he is a murderer but I give no fucks.  Ray Lewis was awful yesterday and I can't wait to watch him try to cover Hernandez and GRONK on Sunday.

The Iceman - One more time, he said before the season that Arian Foster was overrated.  Idiot.  And that's about all that I want to say about this game...noble effort by Houston and their awesome defense though.

Bill Leavy - Uh, ok, I'd love to hear the rationale behind Greg Jennings CLEAR fumble in the first half and how that ended up not being one.  Then GB scores on the drive.  The Giants absolutely murder the Pack without that terrible officiating/Tim Donaghy call.

ELITE Manning - Yet another 15 yard pass that Nicks turns into a 60 yard touchdown AND a hail mary!  Eli is the luckiest quarterback of all time.  OF ALL TIME.  I hate that tard.  STOP WINNING PLAYOFF GAMES SO WE CAN LAUGH AT YOU!  I still can't believe how much they crushed Green Bay by.  Tom Coughlin is such a great coach.

Everyone on the Packers offense but Rodgers and Don Driver - Jesus Christ, can any of these losers catch the ball?  EIGHT drops? 

Jermichael Finley - Completely worthless.  He should be one of the best tight ends in the league and he continues to blow.

The Green Bay secondary - How many 3rd and longs can a team give up?  For as bad as the receivers for the Packers were, not being able to get off the field killed Green Bay's hopes and dreams.  It's about time that Charles Woodson took a permanent trip to the glue factory.

Well, I nailed the Giants straight up win but I don't feel good about it.  God dammit, we lost Brees AND Rodgers AND Tenor this weekend!  TERRIBLE WEEKEND!  Alex Smith vs. Elite?  Brady vs. Penisface Flacco?  Oh God, this is not good.  This is not good at all.  It is highly probable that we have three turd games left.  Shit.


Anonymous said...

I just hope one of the Harbaughs lose this week. That Super Bowl will be unwatchable. Because they will do nothing but show clips of their Mom and Dad (I assume they are still alive) wearing their half and half niner/ravens jerseys. And heart wrenching stories about them beating the shit out of their faggy brother in law Tom Crean.

I am not a Tebow fan but, it would have been impossible to root against him in all three games they could have played before the Super Bowl.

I hope Belichic puts up 50 one the Ravens.

Anonymous said...


Grumpy said...

Without the terrible officiating, the Pack only scores 6 points. At home. Don't forget the blow to the head that wasn't.

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for Pats/Giants. Let's do the rematch. Like Hoffman said...the worst possible scenario is a Harbaugh Bowl. That would be dreadful.......and I'd be forced to root for the Ravens.


GMoney said...

The worst possible scenario would be the Ravens playing in the Super Bowl and two weeks of Ray Lewis claiming that it is God's will. James Earl Ray should have killed him. COUNT IT!

I'm pretty sure that Bill Leavy had money on the Packers yesterday.

The Iceman said...

Fine. I was wrong. Arian Foster is ELITE. He's also a loser for getting Ray Lewis' fucking autograph after getting beat by the Ravens. Queer.

Speaking of ELITE...Mike Ditka said this morning he doesn't know what ELITE is. But to be fair he also can't leave the house without wearing diapers.

It was sad watching Brandon Jacobs outrunning Woodson to the goal line last night. Charles may be done.

Bringing up James Earl Ray on MLK Jr day...that was ELITE.

GMoney said...

Mike Ditka needs to familiarize himself with this site then. We have definitively defined ELITE for awhile now.

Anonymous said...

Just read Peter King's MMQB and he's raving about seeing Peter Gammons band perform Rolling Stone covers over the weekend. Hilarious. That is not an ELITE night by any means.


Prime99 said...

I completely agree about Jacoby Jones. If he doesn't muff that punt, the Texans may have pulled it off.

I couldn't be happier about Packers "fans" getting knocked off their high horse. Why are there so many of them nationwide? Did the monkey from "Outbreak" infect people with Packersfanitis? Is it an STD worse than AIDS? I sure as fuck know its not because lots of people have lived there or have even visited there (speaking as a CA resident.)

It makes sense that Peter king and Peter gammons would hang out. Fucking peters.

The Iceman said...

If you would ever get off your ass and find a way to get a Money Shot Ipad app, maybe guys like Ditka would pay more attention.

Ditka also fucked up and called Hakeem Nicks, Hakeem Hicks...which is very Phil Simms of him. Listening to Ditka's mind slowly erode every Monday morning ALMOST numbs the pain of going to work at 8am. Almost.

Prime99 said...

We may be in the Golden Age of terrible announcing: Sims, Gruden, Joe Buck, etc. At least Joe Morgan is off the air.

The Iceman said...

I think the problem with networks is that they try and include former players that have ZERO broadcasting experience. Christ, it sounds like Marino is having a fucking stroke every time he attempts to fumble through a play by play highlight.

GMoney said...

By the way, I am really proud of this post for some reason. I think that I broke down the weekend better than anyone. Actually, to Peter King this, I THINK I THINK THAT!

Anonymous said...

Niners/Ravens would be the worst Super Bowl in the past 20 years.

Hard to say it, but I agree with Drew that the best Super Bowl has to be Pats/Giants.

Eli is a top 5 Quarterback and you know it.

That front four on the Giants is fucking awesome.


Grumpy said...

Eli has played lights out the the last 5 weeks. He is not in the Top 5 and he is still a whiny little bitch.

Anybody but Baltimore.

Brady said...

Good break down G$. I think you covered pretty much everything that was interesting this weekend.

I'm not sure who to root for now. Definitely not the Pats. The ratbirds are out of the question for obvious reasons. I would say San Fran but everytime I see Harbaugh on the sideline, I hate him a little more. He's always got that smug look on his face. I guess that leaves the Giants.

Good party on Saturday night Iceman. I'm not sure how you parlayed the Fight Club house into a swanky Sylvania house but props my good man.

Mr. Ace said...

The Program is on AMC right now. Great fucking flick.

The Niners are the easiest team to root for and it isn't even close.

Kane is Able.

GMoney said...

I don't know what is worse:

1. Being on the phone with tech support for over 4 hours today because my computer is the equivalent of stupid Packers fans thinking that they "own" a piece of the team or
2. Demetrius Stanley opening up the show today talking about how much MLK meant to him. LOL!

GMoney said...

Speaking of terrible, I still have not received my winnings or fleshlight from the DUTFL yet. Worst cum-stained cummish ever.