The Worst of The Conference Championships Vol.V

Dad, if it's OK, I want to host a tweet-up at your funeral.

Joe Paterno has died.  I assume that most of you are expecting some sort of crass response from me today.  I don't think that that is going to happen though.  The guy died.  He lived a full life while accomplishing so much.  He had a fairly titanic fuck-up that will effect his legacy forever, but in the end, he definitely did more good in his lifetime than he did bad.  I predicted that he wouldn't make it a year after getting fired.  He only made it 73 days.  Sure, they say that it was from complications with chemo, but legendary medical practitioners like Beano Cook, Brent Musberger, and Dr. Lou Holtz have all claimed that a broken heart did him in.  When I asked Darth Vader about JoePa dying from a broken heart, he said, "NOOOOOOOO!"  Prime might be the only commenter to laugh at that, but he will laugh and that is all that I need.  So this site's stance for Joe Paterno is simply "Rest in peace, old man".  But I do have a few other thoughts surrounding Paterno's death before we get into the NFL action:

1. Who was the first reporter from ESPN to arrive on the scene?  Tom fucking Rinaldi.  I knew it.  Rinaldi killed Paterno.
2. I laughed every single time that ESPN showed some dumbass family of Penn State fans walking up to the Paterno statue and touching it.  YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!  At what point does it make sense that you drag your little kids down to Beaver Stadium to touch the bronze statue of an old man?
3. Does Jerry Sandusky show up to the funeral?  That would be the greatest thing ever.
4. Finally, what really bothered me was how JoePa was on his deathbed and the family was called in to say their last goodbyes, but there was Jay Paterno firing off tweets.  Look, I hate Twitter and I always will.  But it's a huge problem to me when the son is tweeting health updates of his dad from the hospital.  I like to think that it went down like this:

SuePa - Jay, it's time to say goodbye to your father.  He can't speak, but the doctors think that he can hear you.
JayPa - Hold on a second, mom, I just need to let the fans know how much their support means and that dad is hanging in there.
SuePa - That's sweet of you.  Well, hurry up because--
JayPa - HOLY SHIT!  "JAY PATERNO" IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE!
SuePa - That's great, son, but you need to--
JayPa - I'M UP TO 15,000 FOLLOWERS!  I JUST PASSED WILMER VALDERRAMA!  SUCK IT, FEZ!
SuePa - Your dad just died.  I hope you're happy.
JayPa - I'll let the world know.  It's what dad would have wanted.

Basically, when you are about to lose a family member, put the goddamn iPhone away.  Fucking asshole.  Jay Paterno can eat shit.

Speaking of family, if you pay money to follow my Facebook feed, you may have noticed that my in-laws AND my mom were all crashing at my house on Saturday night.  I know that Brady wants some great stories about this, but I have none.  This is what I want/ask.  If you are going to infringe on my time, one night is all that you get.  It isn't a weekend thing.  You get in and you get out.  Everyone was gone by 9 am on Sunday so I'm OK with that.  Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, brah.

Lesley Visser - I started the above portion of this post during the CBS pregame show.  Visser is in Frisco talking to Vernon Davis.  She looks like a morgue resident.  Whoever did work to her face should be ashamed of themselves.  If you didn't know, Lesley Visser is married to Dick Stockton.  Can you imagine those two fucking?  Gross.

Commenter Drew - He actually sent me a text on Friday night asking that I videotape myself breaking in my DFL Trophy and posting that video here.  Again, gross.  And Drew is gay for G$.  That feeling will not reciprocated.  Now let's fire that fucking pigskin:

James Brown! - That was a real hard-hitting pregame interview with the E-Trade baby.  Jesus, who gave the OK for that segment to air?

Steven Tyler - His rendition of the national anthem made me want to move to Guatemala.

Joe Flacco haters such as myself - Let's be honest, the guy was pretty damn good yesterday.  I'm not going to say something crazy like he was ELITE, but the Fu Manchu was the best QB on the field.  Yeah, I said it.

Tom Brady - Not a good game from the Dreamboat.  His interceptions were terrible (who throws a deep ball to a triple-covered Matthew Slater?) and he missed some wide open throws.  It didn't help that Wes Welker was sort of a turd, too.

Julian Edelman - Why was he covering Anquan Boldin exactly?  I hate Edelman.  He has no business being on an NFL field.

Ray Lewis - I'm dead serious, #52 does NOTHING.  He plays the exact same way that Reba played defense in high school.  He lets someone else make the tackle and then he jumps on the pile.  Except it's not funny when Ray the Murderer does it.  I hope he retires.  I'm tired of his bullshit antics.

Billy Cundiff - I say this with 100% conviction...I could make a 32 yard field goal 80% of the time.  It's going to be a shame when the duo of Tom Rinaldi and Ray Lewis kidnaps and murders the Cundiff family.  But let's be honest, it should have never came to that.

Lee Evans - Everyone knows that Lee Evans is the worst football player in NFL history and he proved it with his game-losing touchdown drop on 2nd down. That was an embarrassment.  Evans is the worst.  Sure, the kicker could have sent the game to overtime, but The General Lee actually did send the Ravens home.  FACT!  I bet that ELITE Billz fans like Daniel were LOLing like bastards when he dropped that easy touchdown pass.  I wasn't expecting to be entertained by the AFC game but it exceeded my expectations.  That was a great finish to a better than average game.  I'm not sure that the better team won but I don't care because the team that I wanted to lose, lost.  I'll take it.  Fuck the Ravens.

Ed Hochuli - What is it going to take to get this guy to shut the fuck up?  He uses 400 words for something that only needs 8 words.  I used to think that he was cute with his big arms and terrible officiating, now I just want him to get his throat ripped out by a bear.  Jerome Booger or GTFO.

Kyle Williams - Nice punt returning, jerk.  You suck about as much at that as your dad does at producing a quality product on the baseball field.  This guy better not have a job next year.  Terrible player.

Pussies - If you are a pussy, the NFC Championship Game was not for you.  That was some great, physical football.  Everyone on that field beat some ass.  I loved it.  It was different from the Ravens/Steelers games where everyone postures and acts like an asshole over any hit.  This was just a no nonsense dick-stomper of a game.  I wish that I could watch those two teams play every week.

Devin Thomas - Made two more plays last night than he did in three years with the Skins.  Fucking asshole.

Peyton Manning - I'm going to say it now, Eli is better.  Yeah, and I mean it.  I'll tell you why and it has nothing to do with fantasy football or stats or all that other stuff: I've never watched the Colts in the postseason and thought that they were going to win.  I do think that about ELITE's Giants.  I take no joy in this admission because I hate the NYGs.  I just feel like it needs to be said while I wait for the Redskins to stupidly trade for the worse Manning in the next month or so.

So we're getting a rematch in the Super Bowl.  Pats/Giants after two pretty great games yesterday.  I can live with that.  If you asked me to make my Super Bowl pick today, I see no reason to bet against Eluck and that Giants front four.  Kyle Williams, Billy Cundiff, or Lee Evans...who is more likely to commit suicide?