Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Who Doesn't Love Some NBA?


Let us all shed a tear and dump a 40 out (if you're Grumpy, it's probably Vernor's or Metamucil) as the college football season officially comes to a close.  Since Tuesday's are going to be wide open now, today I'll discuss a subject that has been ignored more than Dut's grundle in the shower.  THE NBA!!  By the way Dut...your prize is coming.  I'm just really fuckin lazy (translation: I have to wait for my pubes to grow back).

Since I made the big move to Toledo, I've had the pleasure of being able to watch the Pistons get fucking dismantled every home game.  It's as soul crushing as ever.  Before I was forced to watch the Cavs on FSN...with the mute button on of course.  Only Cleveland fans can stand the mush mouth, gargled stammering of everyone's favorite dipshit.  Austin Carr.  Supporting Austin Carr means you support Notre Dame.  And that means your thirst for raping young boys is unquenchable and undeniable.  Let's get talking about everyone's favorite crime syndicate...the NBA.

Eastern Conference:

-Detroit may be the worst team in basketball.  Dumars is going to fiddle around with his own feces like a rabid ape and let Greg Monroe waltz right out of town.  Who wants to play on a terrible team that starts Ben "Better Get in Rebounding Position" Gordon?  After Monroe, Detroit's best player is a white dude who probably can't speak English and has a Faux-Hawk.  Austin Daye looks like Tayshaun Prince with stage 4 cancer-AIDS.

-G$ doesn't realize that all the things he rips Indians/Brown fans for can be applied to Cavs fans as well.  Maybe he does, but chooses to ignore it.  I've been getting shit sky hooks from numerous Cavs fans telling me how wrong I was about this team and Kyrie Irving.  Maybe Cavs fans haven't noticed that even though they're 6-6, they don't have a single win against a team with a winning record.  And Kyrie Irving is still the black Bobby Hurley.

-I can't wait for Colon Cowturd's first "Derrick Rose isn't a true MVP" rant.  He reminds me of a guy I went to college with who liked to make outrageous claims just so he could talk shit on the one and a million shot that it actually panned out.  Tell me again how Kevin Durant isn't ELITE, Cowfucker.  Just another example of how west coast men love wiener.

-Nice Super Team, New York.  It's the tard version of the Miami Heat...only with less likeable guys.  If that's possible.  Landing Tyson Chandler instead of Chris Paul is probably the worst move I've seen in the last 10 years.  And I was around when Dumars drafted Darko Milicic with the #2 overall.  Carmelo Anthony still punches like a 12 year old cheerleader.

-Fuck you Boston.  A second helping of fuck you to Paul Pierce...because you know jelly tits will take seconds of ANYTHING.  JUST RETIRE!!!!

-Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing.  They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round.  That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.

-Even after acting like a 14 year old high school girl all off season, Dwight Howard and the Magic remain in first place.  I never understood why Howard wants/wanted out of Orlando so badly.  Maybe because J.J. Redick can't stop checking out his rhino dong in the shower?  That would do it for me.

Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.

Who comes out:  The Heat.  Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart.  Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.

Western Conference:

-I can't believe the Spurs continue to win.  It feels like that team was assembled in the 70's.  It's a true testament to a team's douch-ness when someone can sit back and legitimately hate every last player on that team while feeling zero remorse.

-Nobody puts Kobe in the corner.  Dude is still a killer even though he's getting old.  Unfortunately these back to back to backs are really putting a strain on Kobe's rape life.  What I'm most excited for is Andrew Bynum's yearly meltdown.  It's gonna be hard to top "Clothes lining a 5'4" point guard then getting half naked while storming off the court".

-Wait for it.  Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over.  Westbrook thinks he's as big of a star as Durant when in reality Westbrook is more of a Scottie Pippen type.  Point guards aren't supposed to take the last shot to win the game.  Kevin Durant's are.  One more thing...I would love an opportunity to hit Kendrick Perkins in the face with a crowbar.

-Kevin Love is the shit.  He makes me want to sing this at the top of my lungs.  Represent white guys nation wide, son!  It also looks like that whole Ricky Rubio thing is working out.  Rubio will get carded for alcohol until he's 50.  I'd lay money on that.

-Time to rebuild Phoenix.  Your run with Steve Nash is officially over.  Nash and John Stockton can now get together and talk about how neither of them won a title.  They can also discuss white guy things like: assists, their most favorite assist of all time, bounce passes, layups, back door cuts, Walt Behrman, the assist that got away, etc.

-I would like to think that Demarcus Cousins tries to get Jimmer Fradette to smoke weed daily or slips pills into his Vitamin Water.  I also envision Jimmer crying himself to sleep every night.  He went from a team of pretty much all white guys to a team of THE ONLY white guy.  Remember when I said J.J. Hickson was a fucking terrible basketball player?  He's actually worse than I originally thought.

Bold Prediction:  The Timberwolves make the playoffs

Who comes out:  Oklahoma City

NBA Champs:  Miami Heat.  Partly because I really think they can do it.  But mostly because I want Lebron to cram it up Cleveland's ass one more time.  That's about all I have.  Can't wait to read all the whiny comments about how much the NBA sucks.  Looks on the bright side...it could be baseball season.


Grumpy said...

How about some love for the Clips?

The Iceman said...

While I do think the clippers make the playoffs...I'm not sure if they're as good as everyone thinks they are. All I can say is good thing they got rid of me. Glass, Eric Gordon. Jesus Christ is he a pussy.

The Iceman said...

Me* equals mr.

iPad auto correct strikes again.

Anonymous said...

The good thing, to me, about the NBA, is that im an unabashed bandwagon. This year In rooting hard for the Clippers to win, because they are fun as hell to watch. And they are beating all the teams they shouldn't.

While Im not salty over the LeBron fucking over Cleveland thing, I will continue to root against him as I did when he was a Cav. I ve long made the argument that DWade was better and still feel confident in that.

And Black GSauls team is looking pretty good too.


GMoney said...

Supporting Austin Carr means you support Notre Dame.

He did drop 60 points on Ohio U in an NCAA tourney game...still a record I believe. And for that, I will always love AC. Well, also because of things like "if at first you don't succeed, THROW THE HAMMA DOWN!"

You must only associate with the worst of the worst because I don't know any Cavs fan who think anything more than:
1. This team is way better than last year.
2. They are fun to watch again.
3. Chris Grant knew what the fuck he was doing.

Period. Yes, they have played a pillow-top schedule so far but most of those were on the road. They get GS, CHI, @ATL, @MIA, and NYK over the next five games so we'll see what they're made of. But yeah, I won't be happy if they sneak into the playoffs. They need Michael Kidd-Gilchrist.

Kyrie Irving is the goddamn troof though, SON, you are wrong about that. He straight-up titty-fucked Nash last Thursday.

You're just jelly because we're better than the Pistons again after a one year fluke season.

Anonymous said...

Good post....and I have a lot of thoughts.

*I don't think the Pistons are in as bad of shape as you do. Knight is definitely the second best player on the team....and Monroe is an absolute beast this year. Yesterday he was # 5 overall on player rater in my fantasy basketball league. So, those are two great young pieces and assuming they keep losing (they will) then they should be able to get Davis or Drummond. PLUS, they still have amnesty to use on Charlie V or Gordon. A young core of Monroe, Knight and Davis/Drummond is sick.

*Kyrie Irving is the truth...better than I even anticipated and I had no problem with him going # 1. I like him more than John Wall.

*Speaking of Wall...he's shooting like 13% from the field this year. He did go for 38 and 8 yesterday tho.

*The Knicks and Celtics do suck.

*I don't understand Howard's desire to leave Orlando either. I decided this year that I don't like him at all anymore. He's kind of just a huge douchebag now.

*What Kobe is doing with torn ligaments in his wrist is fucking unreal.

*I told all of you last year how much of a beast Kevin Love is. He's finally getting his proper due.

I love watching the T-Wolves. Rubio is super fun to watch...just a really nice young team.



Grumpy said...

Irving dropped 25 on somebody last night. The Clips won without Paul.

Anonymous said...

All this love for the TWolves and the Cavs beat them in their house.

G$ - Kidd-Gilchrist would fit on this team perfectly right now. This team is incredibly fun to watch. They remind me of a college team. They actually play defense, hustle, and try and run an offense. Caspi fucking blows though.

The Cavs easily have the worst player in the NBA on their squad in Ryan Hollins.


Anonymous said...

Do we get to talk about Walton Goggins tomorrow?

Anonymous said...

There is never a bad time to talk about Cletus Van Damme.

I never would have thought in a million years that Byron would start in the NBA. Representing the trailer park well.

Anyone watch Alcatraz last night? A little weird but the tits on Sarah Jones are enough to keep me watching. Ethan Zobelle's nazi daughter looks even better standing next to that walrus from Lost


Mr. Ace said...

Spurs are going to beat down the Heat tonight and get their first road win. Then you will all recognize our greatness, without Ginobili!!! This is the Spurs year.

I was rooting for the Clips until Ide's confession. So disappointing.

The West still runs the NBA.

Brady said...

My eyes glossed over while trying to read that. I made it through the Eastern Conference section but just couldn't stay awake long enough to power through the whole thing.

Basically there about 6 teams out there that have a legit chance of winning the whole thing right? I have the Cavs score programed into the iPad to alert me when the game goes final but that's about the extent of my NBA interest.

Anybody want to talk Baseball instead? Spring Training only a few weeks away!

MUDawgfan said...

Suck 50 dicks in a row Ice -this is the best and most deep Hawks team for the past 5 years.

They've got conference finals swag like you wouldn't believe.

Anonymous said...

How in the world are the Hawks going to make the conference finals when Al Horford is out for the whole year most likely?

Shut the fuck up MUDawg you complete fucking retard.


MUDawgfan said...

It's the deepest the team has been in years and we won't rely heavily on motherfucking Zaza Pachulia.

We'll find an appropriate backup for Horford for the season and the team will be fresh with the depth we've aquired.

Stick to complaints about "OVERSIGNING!! ZOMG! or ESPN IS A SHILL COMPANY" Drew - that way I can skip over your comments without missing much at all.

GMoney said...

How in the world are the Hawks going to make the conference finals when Al Horford is out for the whole year most likely?

Duh..Vlad Radmanovich!

The Iceman said...

Georgia Bulldogs - X
Atlanta Falcons - X

Before running your mouth about how "deep" the Hawks are this year, make sure you're correct on at least one prediction thus far. Oh...and just because you have the deepest roster of average players, it doesn't mean you're any good. That's what happens when you pay Joe Johnson Kobe Bryant money when he's worth about Tyler Hansborough money.