Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Let us all shed a tear and dump a 40 out (if you're Grumpy, it's probably Vernor's or Metamucil) as the college football season officially comes to a close. Since Tuesday's are going to be wide open now, today I'll discuss a subject that has been ignored more than Dut's grundle in the shower. THE NBA!! By the way Dut...your prize is coming. I'm just really fuckin lazy (translation: I have to wait for my pubes to grow back).
Since I made the big move to Toledo, I've had the pleasure of being able to watch the Pistons get fucking dismantled every home game. It's as soul crushing as ever. Before I was forced to watch the Cavs on FSN...with the mute button on of course. Only Cleveland fans can stand the mush mouth, gargled stammering of everyone's favorite dipshit. Austin Carr. Supporting Austin Carr means you support Notre Dame. And that means your thirst for raping young boys is unquenchable and undeniable. Let's get talking about everyone's favorite crime syndicate...the NBA.
-Detroit may be the worst team in basketball. Dumars is going to fiddle around with his own feces like a rabid ape and let Greg Monroe waltz right out of town. Who wants to play on a terrible team that starts Ben "Better Get in Rebounding Position" Gordon? After Monroe, Detroit's best player is a white dude who probably can't speak English and has a Faux-Hawk. Austin Daye looks like Tayshaun Prince with stage 4 cancer-AIDS.
-G$ doesn't realize that all the things he rips Indians/Brown fans for can be applied to Cavs fans as well. Maybe he does, but chooses to ignore it. I've been getting shit sky hooks from numerous Cavs fans telling me how wrong I was about this team and Kyrie Irving. Maybe Cavs fans haven't noticed that even though they're 6-6, they don't have a single win against a team with a winning record. And Kyrie Irving is still the black Bobby Hurley.
-I can't wait for Colon Cowturd's first "Derrick Rose isn't a true MVP" rant. He reminds me of a guy I went to college with who liked to make outrageous claims just so he could talk shit on the one and a million shot that it actually panned out. Tell me again how Kevin Durant isn't ELITE, Cowfucker. Just another example of how west coast men love wiener.
-Nice Super Team, New York. It's the tard version of the Miami Heat...only with less likeable guys. If that's possible. Landing Tyson Chandler instead of Chris Paul is probably the worst move I've seen in the last 10 years. And I was around when Dumars drafted Darko Milicic with the #2 overall. Carmelo Anthony still punches like a 12 year old cheerleader.
-Fuck you Boston. A second helping of fuck you to Paul Pierce...because you know jelly tits will take seconds of ANYTHING. JUST RETIRE!!!!
-Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing. They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round. That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.
-Even after acting like a 14 year old high school girl all off season, Dwight Howard and the Magic remain in first place. I never understood why Howard wants/wanted out of Orlando so badly. Maybe because J.J. Redick can't stop checking out his rhino dong in the shower? That would do it for me.
Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.
Who comes out: The Heat. Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart. Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.
-I can't believe the Spurs continue to win. It feels like that team was assembled in the 70's. It's a true testament to a team's douch-ness when someone can sit back and legitimately hate every last player on that team while feeling zero remorse.
-Nobody puts Kobe in the corner. Dude is still a killer even though he's getting old. Unfortunately these back to back to backs are really putting a strain on Kobe's rape life. What I'm most excited for is Andrew Bynum's yearly meltdown. It's gonna be hard to top "Clothes lining a 5'4" point guard then getting half naked while storming off the court".
-Wait for it. Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over. Westbrook thinks he's as big of a star as Durant when in reality Westbrook is more of a Scottie Pippen type. Point guards aren't supposed to take the last shot to win the game. Kevin Durant's are. One more thing...I would love an opportunity to hit Kendrick Perkins in the face with a crowbar.
-Kevin Love is the shit. He makes me want to sing this at the top of my lungs. Represent white guys nation wide, son! It also looks like that whole Ricky Rubio thing is working out. Rubio will get carded for alcohol until he's 50. I'd lay money on that.
-Time to rebuild Phoenix. Your run with Steve Nash is officially over. Nash and John Stockton can now get together and talk about how neither of them won a title. They can also discuss white guy things like: assists, their most favorite assist of all time, bounce passes, layups, back door cuts, Walt Behrman, the assist that got away, etc.
-I would like to think that Demarcus Cousins tries to get Jimmer Fradette to smoke weed daily or slips pills into his Vitamin Water. I also envision Jimmer crying himself to sleep every night. He went from a team of pretty much all white guys to a team of THE ONLY white guy. Remember when I said J.J. Hickson was a fucking terrible basketball player? He's actually worse than I originally thought.
Bold Prediction: The Timberwolves make the playoffs
Who comes out: Oklahoma City
NBA Champs: Miami Heat. Partly because I really think they can do it. But mostly because I want Lebron to cram it up Cleveland's ass one more time. That's about all I have. Can't wait to read all the whiny comments about how much the NBA sucks. Looks on the bright side...it could be baseball season.