Wednesday, January 25, 2012

PRINCE TO THE TIGERS SUCK MY COCK

Why was I not made aware of this ELITE tournament?
The title is an actual text message received from commenter Drew at 3:08 pm yesterday.

Well, I was all set to unleash a mild-mannered open forum-style post today until news broke yesterday that the hated Tigers swooped in and signed Prince Fielder to a GIGANTIC deal that should be sending tremors (with or without Fred Ward) through the baseball world. Obviously, all of us smart people have the initial reaction of “God dammit, those white trash hayseeds cobbled enough food stamps and welfare checks together and signed a vegan lardo that will probably make them ELITE.” Yeah, unfortunately, your gut instinct is probably right.

Just as an unbiased baseball observer, this is TOTES a great move for the Tigers. It provides Johnny Walker Brown with some much needed protection in the order. It signals the likely end for Fagglio. It makes an already strong lineup even better. And if the other contenders for Li’l Cecil’s services wanted him, they shouldn’t have dicked around for so long. That last point reminds me of how the Yankees ended up with MarKKKKKKK Teixiera a few years ago. There are a few things that make me scratch my head though:

1. Are Fielder and Cabrera just going to rotate between 1B and DH? I’m sort of surprised that Prince would agree to be a half DH actually but, then again, he doesn’t look like a guy that enjoys physical exertion.
2. Where are the Tigers getting this money from? It could be a pretty weird dynamic in that clubhouse with 5 or 6 guys hauling in 90% of the payroll.
3. I am reminded of Cowherd’s opinion on why the Cards should let Pujols go. Where are they getting the extra revenue? Sure, the Comerica attendance is solid, but most of the financial heavy hitters get their bank from their network deals. I don’t get the feeling that FSD and Rod Allen are going to be forking over nine figures to broadcast Tigers games. “Mike Illitch is a coke and nuclear arms dealer” is what I’m trying to say.
4. It looks good now, but be careful. Remember, everyone thought that the Red Sox were a shoe-in after signing Crawford and trading for Gonzo. And you know how Halladay and Cliff Lee were supposed to go on an 8 peat? Sometimes your well-laid plans get stuck up your well-laid ass.
5. I guess this means that Victor Martinez will go back to catching then (when healthy)??? He seems to be shit out of luck with this signing.
6. BRING BACK BRAD PENNY.
7. Doesn't son hate father?  I thought that I read that somewhere.  It sort of surprises me that he would go to the place where his dad made his name but money talks I guess.

I really hate it when teams that I loathe go out and make (at least on the surface) tremendous moves. I guess that we’ll just all have to take solace knowing that in 4 years, the two guys splitting time between DH and first base will look like those fat twins on the motorcycles. You know, these guys:
Think of it this way, the 2016 Tigers are going to be hilarious.
I hate the Tigers and I hate it even more that they are going for it.  But just know that if we can keep them ringless over the next 3-4 years, they are going to be fucking abysmal after that.  Their team plane is going to need to stop at all weigh stations.

And let me give you Tigers fans a bit of advice:  You are done with the Indians.  They mean nothing anymore.  You are officially in the big boy club (with NYY, BOS, LAA, and TEX).  Stop dwelling on the shitheads.  It's all about titles now.  Anything less is a failure and a waste of a season.

Oh, and my original post idea for today had to do with the retirement of Jorge Posada and how I hated him as a player. He was a lazy turd behind the plate and had no idea how to call a game. So the idea was to reminisce about players on your favorite teams that you hated (like how every Browns fan hated Braylon Edwards). If you want to contribute to that then have at it, hoss. Or you can talk about how much you hate the Tigers. Either one will suffice.

35 comments:

The Iceman said...

I've been told Cabrera Is going to play third...and I've also been told that many many teams plan to bunt now. Because unless MLB decides to change the shape of a baseball to a Twinkie or color it to look like a chocolate cupcake, I don't see cabrera charging and fielding bunts. Maybe the Tigers will water log all their baseballs with Johnny Walker the night before home games. GuaranSHEED gold glove if they do that.

They got the cash from $5 hot and readys. Whiter trashers and single black welfare moms need to et something.

He does hate his dad...but over 200 million dollars has a funny way of making you forget all about that.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking it would be a lot smarter to offer him say 1yr 25 million since he was not seeing the multi year deal he wanted.

They better hope Austin Jackson finds a way to not strike out 200 times. There still need to be people on base for them to hit in. Neither one of those two are scoring from first base on a double.

This off season has really raised my hopes for the Reds season. Almost every National League team has gotten worse. The Reds actually made some good moves.

Hoffman

Anonymous said...

First off...Damman...you can suck on my right nut...Brady...you can suck on my left nut...and Seal...you can lick my taint.

I still giggle at you Indians fools trying to talk shit about V-Mart going down and then the Tigers signing a top three slugger in the game. That is why the Indians are NOT ELITE. They can't keep up with us big boys.

That being said....G$ is correct...we are done with you. ELITE rosters need to speak about other ELITE rosters. Indians can't even check birf certificates.

Also, as G$ said....it is WS or bust from now on. I didn't think that way last year, but I do now...cuz' that's obviously what Illitch is thinking.

Where is Illitch getting all this money you ask? HOT AND READY PIZZAS MOTHAFUCKA. I honestly think he's dipping into his own pocket knowing it doesn't make fiscal sense to do this, but he's 82 and wants a ring. How many fan bases would kill for an owner like that? *watches as every Indians fans raises his arm*

Big Boy Baseball featuring Big Boys is here.

Verlander, Cabrera and Fielder all in their primes at the same time. This is gonna be fun.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman, I can tell you do not pay attention to much baseball. There are about 3 players in the American league that can bunt. But, I also do not see him playing much third base.

Hoffman

Anonymous said...

Hoffman...take your Reds hopes...and then look at this deal and realize there is no way the Reds are keeping Votto.

--Drew

Justin Verlander said...

I eat a Hot and Ready every day for lunch and dinner. Keeps my pitchin' arm STROOOOOOOOONG! But never for breakfast. Momma said breakfast is for cold spaghetti and Mountain Dew.

The Iceman said...

I'm just repeating what I heard on SportsCenter about Cabrera at third. So it is fact ESPN that knows nothing. And if you saw Stay Puft at third base, as a head coach wouldn't you immediately incorporate the bunt into your game plan? You would.

GMoney said...

Well, I've gotten on Cabrera's ass for a long time about his lack of desire to get in shape. If he wants to play third, he better start hitting the treadmill or run away from Mexican kidnappers.

Drew, you will realize something now with inclusion to the Big Boy Club...everything besides October is fucking meaningless. After the first year, it won't be as fun anymore (once the novelty and honeymoon period ends).

Good point about Votto. To quote that cocksucker Hawk Harrelson: HE GONE.

Should be an interesting commenting day what with sad Indians fans that just realized that the White Sox are now their rival.

Anonymous said...

Drew, the important question is what was Prince's WAR last year? We all know that stat trumps all.

Not much to say about this. It fucking sucks. How's that for analysis?

I'll just let Drew and Dut fuck the shit out of each other today.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Tigers literally have a "TON" of first baseman now. What has been the Tigs biggest glaring weakness over the past 5 year?? THIRD BASE. Have they addressed this issue with this pickup?? Cabrera hasn't played third for years when he was 100 pounds lighter.
Basically, Fielder is replacing Martinez (offensively) this season. Will his offensive numbers exceed what Victor put up?? I don't think so........so where are the Tigers better in this deal?? In 2013, where are all 3 going to play?? This deal makes absolutely no sense, regardless of the money!!
PS - the grounds keeper at Comerica just quit.......says there is no way he can fix TWO SINK HOLES in the infield every day!!

GMoney said...

I'll just let Drew and Dut fuck the shit out of each other today.

That is a horrible suggestion. No one wants to see or envision that.

A few questions that I'm too "Cabrera" to google myself:

1. Is next year the start of the 2 wild card teams? Because I could watch the shit out of the Big 5 in the AL and maybe Tampa every year. The AL is so ELITE.
2. What is the Tigers payroll up to now? Are they at 130 million yet?

Anonymous said...

Cabrera seems happy about moving to 3rd base from what I've read. He is working with his trainer to get to 255 lbs. it was a disaster putting him at 3rd in 2008, but we'll see what happens. Hopefully coming into spring ball prepared will make the difference. I would imagine that we'll see Cabrera at 3rd the first 6 innings, then move him to dh and put Inge at 3rd if we have a lead.

Cabrera is only locked up for 4 more years.

This deal puts the tigers at 131 mil I think. I don't think they're done spending, either. Mike Ilitch is old as dirt and wants a title before he dies. I heard the tigers will still be going after the Cuban. Me likey.

Victor could still come back at the end of the year. If so, good luck pitching to those 3 in a row. Not to mention the fact that we have other all stars like jhonny peralta and Alex Avila in this lineup...

Dut

GMoney said...

If you start the game at 3B, you can't move to DH later in the game. Someone get that homo a rulebook or some basic baseball knowledge, please. Typical Tigers fan...

The Iceman said...

So cabrera IS moving to thrid. Welp, you can suck my dick, Hoffman.

Anonymous said...

It's called a position swap, you fucking loser! I would think that an umpire would know the damn rules.

Dut

Anonymous said...

And yeah, I did just call you a loser..

Anonymous said...

Dut, you can't do that with the DH. Tiger fans are so stupid.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected for the first time ever.

Dut

GMoney said...

I do not accept your apology. Way to know nothing.

Anonymous said...

Who was the idiot anonymous person that said Prince won't put up better numbers than Victor? What a fucking retard that person is.

Damman...he had a WAR of 5.9. ELITE! I'll just mind fuck Dut all day if that's alright.

Another interesting way to look at this deal is that Miggy has 4 years left. This very well could have prevented the Tigers from giving Miggy an A-Rod like deal at the age of 33......and that's definitely something stupid that the Tigers seem to like to do. But, they won't be able to do that. So, that's a positive.

HOT AND READYS ARE ON ME TODAY!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yea, it fucking sucks, and if you dont win the Central this year it may be worse than the Sox not making the playoffs last season.

Drew- you havent won shit yet. If you do, im sure Dut will be there to take on the duties you assigned to myself, Damman, and Brady.

Let's talk about Peralta coming back to earth this season - no way he puts up last years numbers.

On a side note - Kentucky should just cut down the nets now.

Seal

The Iceman said...

Speaking of Kentucky...Anthony Davis' unibrow is ELITE. It looks like it was drawn on by a Sharpie.

Anonymous said...

Seal...pleease point me to where I said the Tigers should win the world series. I never said such a thing. All I know is taht the Tigers officially have a roster that CAN win the world series......and we're gonna win the Central by 15 games again.

Keep sucking that nut.

Fuck Kentucky.

--Drew

GMoney said...

How does a Tigers fan know what a World Series-winning roster looks like? Seems to everyone with a pulse that you got a ton of mileage out of average players last year. Maybe guys like Scherzer, Fister, Valverde, Peralta, and Avila can keep it at that same level but I would probably bet against it.

Prime99 said...

With prince, miggy and Valverde, the Tigers are ELITE when it comes to beer bellies. They should find a way to get Rick Reuschel and David Wells out of retirement for extra fatness.

Anonymous said...

G$...I know what one looks like because I remember what it looked like when I was two years old. BITCH!

SISTER FISTER IS ELITE!

Good point Prime!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Good year to have had moved to D-Town!

This will be the first Jersey I buy in my tenure here (and probably the first Jersey I'll have bought since middle school)

Better yet, I'll go on ebay and look for an original Cecil jersey. There's the ticket.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Where do you live JSaul?

--Drew

Brady said...

Damn, I fucking knew I was going to pay for showing up late today.

It's a good move. Did they over pay by like $50 million? Sure, but it's not my money so fucking spend it how ever you want to. Ilitch is getting a little long in the tooth and the guy wants to see a winner. I can respect that. I'm sure it will end up bankrupting the team in 5 years and send the Tigers into another decade long funk but fuck it. I like the fact that he is going for it. I would give my left nut to have an Owner like that.

You better be making the playoffs for the next 5 years though. If the Kittens somehow fuck this up (which is a possibility because it's Detroit), I will be the one pointing and laughing. Detroit doesn't have the huge cable deals that support the baseball factories on the east coast. They are ALL IN now. If this turns out to bite them in the ass, I don't think you can pay a MLB roster with food stamps.

GMoney said...

Can Dut show up and teach us more rules that are wrong? He probably calls it a "Fair Pole". Idiot.

Brady said...

Oh, and I can't wait to watch Cabrera try to play the hot corner. That shit is going to be hilarious. However many runs DET gains from this overpriced signing they may give right back in errors at third. It's going to be EPIC. Don't give me any shit about how he came up as a SS/3B either. That was 70lbs and 1,000,000 cases of beer ago.

Anonymous said...

Just got set up in Royal Oak.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

JSaul, don't you hijack my comments with your new breeding grounds!

Anonymous said...

G$- it does make more sense to call it the fair pole. If you dont start showing me respect, I will abuse the shit out of your dfl trophy! You'll need a power washer to get rid of my DNA.

I am still smarter than all of you even though I totes blew it on the DH rule.

Dut

Anonymous said...

JSaul....

That's a great area. It's where all of my friends live and where I stay when I'm going out on visits home. Tons of bars and restaurants. Best part is that they have many eateries that stay open until at least 3a.m. (some 24 hours) for after the bars.

Brady...you brought honest and strong...like always.

--Drew