Friday, January 06, 2012

The Power of Tenor Compels You...To Eat Free BBQ

Just in case you were planning on rooting against Denver this weekend...
Before we get to my playoff picks, how about a look back at my preseason NFL predictions? I usually waste a day’s post on these so consider yourselves lucky that I’m just throwing it at the top of another one. ELITE!

Good call, Aguatto!
* Jets 9-7 - The Jets aren't getting better but they are getting older. I will never think that Sanchise is any good.
* Browns 7-9 - They're still going to kind of suck cocks and if Hillis gets hurt, this is a 3 win team, but they'll play hard and won't be a pushover.—So this was kind of right.
* 1. Texans 10-6 - Book it.
* Jaguars 3-13 - Cutting your starting QB less than a week before the first game? That's fucking terrible business.
* Eagles 10-6* - It won't be as easy as the back-up QB just assumes it will be. Vick will get hurt. Andy Reid will continue to be a terrible coach. They can have as many sick corners as they want just as long as they can't stop the run. This team will NOT win the NFC. Anyone want to bet against that?—Wow, other than the final record, I pretty much nailed that shit cold.
* Redskins 6-10 I'll give the Skins a few more wins than I initially thought and thus fuck themselves out of Luck
* Bears 5-11 - Everything went their way last year. Prime won't like this pick, but facts are facts. They all stayed healthy and got all the bounces last season. Things tend to even out which it will this year. Cutler is going to get killed behind that line (which probably isn't a bad thing).
* Buccaneers 4-12 - Just watch and see. This team isn't nearly as good as their 10-6 record was. They might not be 4 wins-bad, but they ain't sniffing .500 this year either.

May I ASS you a few questions (about these terrible predictions)?
*Bengals 1-15 - Quite possibly the worst offense ever assembled.
* 1. Chargers 11-5 - Norv is coaching for the job that he never should have gotten in the first place. I see 2011 being a revenge year for the Bolts.
* Bills* 9-7 - Here we go. Here's my pick to click.—It started off so promising, too!!!
* Cowboys 11-5 - Dude, look at their schedule.  That is fucking cake. Yes, Dallas is going to win the division.
* Giants 5-11 DERP!
* Vikings 8-8, Rams 8-8, 49ers 5-11…all shit picks.
*MVPs – Rivers and Mario Williams LOL!!!
*ROYs – Julio Jones and Ryan Kerrigan…inspired choices but will go to Cam and probably Von Miller
*Coach – Chan The Man Gailey…Christ.

As you can see, I did pretty well for myself this season. And both of my preseason Super Bowl teams are still playing (Saints over Texans 30-20). I’m sticking by that, too! Needless to say, I am the true NFL expert around these parts and I will prove it with our annual playoff contest. In case you have forgotten, each Friday for the next month, I will preview each game and then pick the spread and over/under. I advise you all to do the same. The winner after the Super Bowl will earn a firm handshake and punishing slap on the ass. So let’s get to the previewin’:

Cincinnatta @ Houston (-3) O/U 38.5
This matchup has the potential to be truly abysmal. You don’t usually envision TJ Yates and Andy Dalton squaring off in the playoffs. It’s hard enough considering Joe Flacco a playoff QB, but these two? The Bingles seem to be everyone’s favorite to pull the upset this weekend and it’s easy to see why. Houston has been embarrassed by terrible competition the last three weeks and seemingly have no momentum. But Wade Phillips is back, Jake Delhomme heads back to the bench where he belongs, they are playing at home against a rookie QB, and they have a better defense and running game. As long as Yates doesn’t go nuts with the turnovers, I see the Texans winning comfortably here. Houston 26-17 OVER

Detroit @ N’Awlins (-10.5) O/U 59
I’m glad that NBC put this game on primetime because, while it could be a blowout, it will easily be fun to watch. We all know that the Saints are the greatest team of all time inside that dome and they already proved that to Jim Schwartz a few weeks ago. So why should we expect anything different this time? Well, Fat Stafford is arguably just as hot as the Breesus is and if the only way to beat the Saints is to outscore them, then the Lions definitely know how to light up the scoreboard. Detroit already knows what it’s like to play down there so I don’t see them being intimidated. It’s hard to fully trust the Saints after their choke in Seattle last January and their ability to get crushed by the Rams earlier this season. As I mentioned on Monday, karma is going to come back and get them eventually for running up the score these last few weeks. It just won’t be this weekend. I like the Saints to win but it will be closer than the experts think. New Orleans 45-41 WAAAAAY OVER

The ATL @ The New York Football Giants (-3) O/U 47
The Falcons feel like a team that would be God awful outside in the elements during a brisk January northern Jersey afternoon. They seem to be wanting to throw the ball all the time like some sort of poor man’s Saints when they should just keep feeding the mom-ass of Michael “Unburner” Turner. I don’t really understand why they are changing their identity that clearly works. The Giants are a weird team. The easy call here is to pick the Giants because they are playing at home and Victor Cruz is the greatest player of all time. But this team didn’t just get swept by Rex Grossman, they got TITTY-FUCKED in both of those games. Sure, they look great a lot but when Eli is off, they are SHIT. I was fully prepared to go Giants here until Justin Tuck started shooting off at the mouth about the ATL OL. Fuck him, he’s like the 5th best DL on that team. Give me the upset. Atlanta 27-21 OVER

Evil (-9) @ Good AKA The Rib Bowl O/U 34
Tim Tenor is rightfully being skewered for a month’s worth of absolute shit QB play. It doesn’t help that his receivers blow, McGahee is on life support, and that defense isn’t even average anymore. In fact, Denver might be the worst playoff team of all time. But I think that they have a chance on Sunday. Ryan Clark is out with a blood disorder in his gash. Ike Redman + John Clay equal LOL. Ben can barely move and is even admitting a setback in his ankle health. The Steelers don’t force turnovers anymore. And Shaun Suisham still sucks. Over the last month’s games (2 vs. CLE, SF, and STL), what have you seen that makes you think the Steelers are primed for a deep run in the playoffs? I’ve seen nothing. They may win this weekend, but they aren’t long for the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, I think we go rib-less, but again this will be closer than the experts think. First team to score a touchdown wins. Goddamn, I hope I'm wrong and Tenor PWNS James Harrison.  Pittsburgh 13-9 WAAAAAY UNDER

This would set up PIT/NE, HOU/BAL, GB/ATL, and NO/SF. And that feels right to me. Leave your picks (spread and o/u) in the comments and pray for Tim Tenor. He’s probably going to need it. I don’t know if we’re giving away a prize for the winner or if it’s just for pride. And if you won last year, feel free to remind everyone. And another AND, I’ve told the wife that I’m going out to watch the game tomorrow night so if anybody wants to get together and watch Jim Schwartz's head explode, I’m all ears. GO BRONCOS!

34 comments:

Grumpy said...

Drew and I will be at Hoggies. You're invited to join us. Bring your wallets.

GMoney said...

Well, everyone else will be at Barley's Smokehouse. We'll send you the bill, jerk.

GMoney said...

Oh, how about that rotten Penn State hire? Terrible! They are about to become as irrelevant as Purdue. Hopefully their fans can update their chant to:

"WE ARE...4 and 8!"

The Unit for President.

Grumpy said...

Ok, Barley's it is. Watching you eat crow.

Anonymous said...

Cincy/UNDER
Detroit/OVER
Giants/UNDER
Steelers/UNDER

I'm very pumped for the Lions game and I fully realize that we have very little chance of winning. I just hope that it's very competitive as you are predicting it will be. I'm gonna be in Detroit and going out with buddies to watch it...if we win it will be bonkers.

There was no way that PSU was going to make anything but a terrible hire. Nobody wants that job...it's toxic there.

I watched the Shore last night and was not disappointed. Nice tit job Rider got. The Unit is one weird looking dude too. I couldn't even figure out why he wanted to fuck over Snooks so bad, but whatever...made for good TV. It appears The Unit will be back on a future episode based on the previews at the end...so that's good.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Houston/Under
Detroit/Under
Giants/Over
Tenor/Under

Ryder is quite the whore obviously. It was pretty funny when Deena just went in the bedroom and sat awkwardly.

Vinny and douchy glasses is a bitch.

The Unit is ELITE.

-Damman

MUDawgfan said...

GO FALCONS!
Weather.com says that Jersey City Weather for Sunday at 1:00pm will be in the mid 40's with no snow

Nothing my proud team can't handle. Put Grimey on Cruz and rip Eli's head off.

Anonymous said...

Hey dumb ass, you say that karma will come back and get the Saints in the playoffs, just not the week. But in the previous paragraph you pick them to win the Super Bowl? Make up your mind.

Fuck Pittsburgh and their scumbag fans.

Cincy/Under
NO/Under
Giants/Over
Pitt/Under

Seal

GMoney said...

Hey dumbass, I picked the Saints to win the SB in the preseason so I'm sticking with that for pride's sake. But I don't really think RIGHT NOW that they will win because they've been douches for the past month. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

Ryder just has Ron-Ron left to fuck, correct?

The Unit is a real instigator. I like it.

Jionni (WHY IS HE STILL WITH SNOOKS!!!) looks like Andy K. Yeah, I said it.

Anonymous said...

Lavar Arrington is so stupid...I love it! Oh noes...people can't see your ALAMO BOWL MVP TROPHY anymore?!?!?

"I will put my Butkus (Award) in storage. I will put my Alamo Bowl MVP trophy in storage," Arrington said. "Jerseys, anything Penn State, in storage. Wherever Tom Bradley goes, that's the school I will start to put memorabilia up in my home. I'm done. I'm done with Penn State. If they're done with us, I'm done with them."

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Houston - over
Detroit - over
NYG - under
Broncos - under

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

If Jionni looks like me then GSaul still looks like white Evan Turner...

I look nothing like Jionni.

Andy K.

Anonymous said...

Andy k- I can't tell if you're trying to refute that you look like jhonni? Because your analogy says you agree.

Wait... When are you guys getting together and where? And why wasn't I aware of this?

I'm going to money line the broncos. Both offenses are BAD right now. A lucky break and I'm rollin in dolla dolla bills.

Dut

Grumpy said...

Because Dut, we were trying to meet for ribs without including you.

GMoney said...

I just talked to an old guy on the phone and he used the term "colored fella". I about shit.

Drew, if you lived in the DC area, you would no quite well that Lavar is a fucking moron.

I do like how Penn State went to get Belichick's OC since it worked so well the first time that a school tried to do that.

Anonymous said...

Dut looks like me and his mom combined.

Andy K.

Jeff said...

HTOWN - UNDER
NOLA BOYZ - OVER
GMEN - OVER
TENORS - UNDER
(Don't worry Grump, Steelers still win, no cover though)

Prime99 said...

Lavar can deal with child molestation, but hiring someone not connected to PSU- well, that cannot be tolerated!

Texans/Over
Lions to cover/Over
ATL/Over
Tim Tenor to cover/Under

"I'm not down with sloppy 23rds." - Ronnie

"Did you bring your transit card?" "Why, so you can Ryd-er?" - Pauley and Vinnie

Pretty solid episode- very happy to see the Unit make an appearance. He's like a worse version of The Situation.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy- that's fine. While you're eating ribs with g$, I will be eating your wife's muffin. Works for me!

Dut

Anonymous said...

HTOWN - UNDER
NOLA BOYZ - OVER
GMEN - OVER
TENORS - UNDER

Dut

Anonymous said...

Houston Under
N'awlins Over
Atlanta Over
Pitt Under

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Unit is a worse version of Sitch. The Unit's hair makes his head look like a chia pet of pubes.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Steelers RB coach Kirby Wilson was burned in his home last night. Tenor is resorting to the dark arts and I like it.

The Unit's catchphrase of "I got you, girl" needs some work.

Oh, Dut, that was amazing.

Brady said...

Picks:
Cincy - Under
Detroit - Over
Giants - Over
Steelers - Under

Grumpy said...

Dut, that was a good one.

The Iceman said...

Atlanta has a chance as long as Michigan State doesn't show up.

Houston UNDER
Saints UNDER
Giants OVER
Pittsburgh UNDER

As much as I want to pick Tim Tenor and his communion wine celebration...somehow the Steelers always end up blowing teams out when the game is supposed to be close. But Mike Tomlin is still an average coach. At least I still have that.

Brady said...

I wonder if Tomlin will be wearing those douchebag aviators. He really thinks he is hot shit strutting up and down that sideline. He was given the keys to a corvette and managed not to wrap it around a tree. I'm pretty sure a monkey could've racked up 10wins with that ready-made team. Nothing chaps my ass like the fucking Steelers. GO TENORS!

Jeff said...

Nothing chaps my ass like bitchy whiny browns fans.

At least Art Modell and that monkey Ozzie Newsome knew that Cleveland was a haven for whiny bitches and left.

Maybe one day you will have a coach on your sidelines long enough for people to notice...

Brady said...

I didn't know WiFi was available from meth labs in rural appalachia.

Jeff said...

Yea the ATT Uverse guy just stopped by and your mom couldn't resist

Brady said...

Uhhh, OK man. Was that an insult?

Take it easy bro. Steelers are obviously a good team that contends every year. Their front office personel are fucking wizards when it comes to evaluating talent and getting the most out of their guys. It sucks watching from Ohio as they get to the playoffs year after year when the Browns can't even sniff a .500 season. I don't want it to happen but I would bet money on Pittsburgh getting to the postseason 3 out of every 4 season.

GMoney said...

Don't fuck with the guy featuring a Byron Mullens avatar.

Brady said...

I guess I should've known better.

Anonymous said...

Cinci Under
Detroit Over
Giants Under
Pitt Under

Andrew