Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I know I said I wouldn't be watching this game, but I just can't help myself. As much as I would love to have the balls to boycott SEC deep throat fest 2012, I would be doing this fine site a disservice if I ignored this game completely. So. After careful consideration, I said fuck it and decided to "live" blog the National Championship game...or until I stop caring.
7:45 - Lee Corso sounds more and more like Farmer Fran as the days pass. It is truly glorious.
7:46 - Awesome shot of Dre Kirkpatrick shouting incoherent black guy stuff into the camera while banging on his head like a drum. Simultaneously, Herbstreit tells viewers how Kirkpatrick didn't play in the last meeting because of a concussion. Dumb is so hilarious.
7:50 - 45 MINUTES TO KICK OFF?? Fuck that. I'll be back...
8:22 - Trent Richardson had a kid when he was 16. Anyone shocked?
8:25 - Alfred Blue couldn't play for a more fitting team. YER MY BOY, BLUE!
8:26 - Nick Saban literally wears his pants above his belly button. I hate myself for noticing that.
8:27 - The lone white captain (LSU) looks completely terrified during the coin flip. "Where'd all these black folk come from?!"
8:30 - Aaaaaaand we're off.
8:32 - Two minutes in and already a 3 and out. Cooooooool.
8:34 - Brad Smelley. LOLZ. Bet that kid didn't get destroyed growing up.
8:38 - Punt #2...but at least we saw a couple first downs this time. This is almost as exciting as watching scrambled Skinemax on your parents 22 inch box TV. Use your imagination, kids.
8:43 - Running the option with Jordan Jefferson against this defense is like masturbating with hairspray. Bloody. Destructive. Chaotic. Lots of skin loss and a ton of screaming.
8:48 - Huge return by Maze setting up Alabama for a possible early score but explodes his leg in the process. I would bet my scrotum this winds up being a field goal. Surprise, surprise. 3-0 Alabama from the foot of Alabama's terrible kicker, S-something.
8:54 - LSU goes no huddle early and it worked as well as the flame thrower I made out of a Super Soaker when I was 12.
9:02 - McCarron hearts his tight ends. McCarron also hearts wieners. He'll be a perfect fit for the Browns in 3 years when Cleveland is desperately scrambling for their three billionth QB in 20 years. It'll be fun watching the student trying to out "check down" the master, Colt McCoy.
9:05 - The Honey Badger is the queerest nickname in football. FACT. As Musburger makes a terrible joke, we come to the end of the 1st quarter with Alabama up 3-0. Let me go stick my cock on an electric fence so I can wake up for the 2nd quarter.
9:08 - McCarron overthrows Smelley...then pees his pants. Nice pass, you fuckin loser.
9:10 - Saban's wife gives his nuts back long enough for a fake FG attempt that appears to have worked. WHERE THE FUCK IS TRENT RICHARDSON? Probably making babies with Saban's daughter.
9:16 - Blocked FG. Satisfied, Saban? Never attempt a FG over 40 yards ever again.
9:23 - When Brent Musburger swallows that dick from a glory hole in a truck stop bathroom...he prays that Brad Wing is on the other side of the divider. THAT...I am sure of.
9:35 - LSU has twenty fucking six yards of offense with 4 minutes to go in the first half. I hate this game like I hate poison. And I don't think I have to remind you how much I hate poison. 6-0 Alabama.
9:46 - I don't think I can do this in the 2nd half. 9-0 Alabama. Half time. Saban needs to put some band-aids over his titanium nipples or wear an under shirt. One or the other must happen.
10:00 - Is there a more annoying commercial on TV than the Sprint 4G with the two cosmic fucking douche bags tailgating at some made up football game? "Remember when I said "hi" to that girl and instantly crapped my pants because I have the people skills of a kindergartner because my fucking snout is constantly pressed into my only friend also known as my phone?" Soooooooo 12 seconds ago. Get a life, fag.
10:10 - Marquis Maze wants to thank ESPN for catching him at his lowest life moment as he bawls like a bitch after hearing the news that he's done for the night.
10:14 - Okay. Okay. Here's some offense. Two things I've noticed so far. First, A.J. McCarron has been really impressive in this game. I take back the "fucking loser" comment from earlier. Figured I would slide in my compliment in between Musburger verbal salad tossings. Second, Mathieu is a terrible one on one cover corner. Like...Eric Wright terrible.
10:18 - God Damn it. Another fucking field goal.
10:24 - So Musburger blows our minds with this nugget. "Brad Wing didn't even pick up an American football until 2 years ago." So fucking what? Is it inherently more difficult to kick an American football than an Australian football? Was Wing always under the impression that an American football was an incredibly bizarre shape...like a rhombus? I just googled "Australian football". The two balls are almost identical in shape. What a complete fucking idiot.
10:32 - The Sony 3D camera. Welcome to the age of home made 3D couples porn. That's what most people are thinking when they see that commercial.
10:34 - Great pass, Jefferson. There's a CFL roster spot waiting for you somewhere in Alberta. Too bad Al Davis finally succumbed to whatever parasite was slowly eating away at his body. I'm sure he would've wasted a King's ransom on you.
10:43 - LSU's offense is LOLZ. It might as well be 70-0 with the way LSU is moving the ball. This shit is over with 2:00 left in the 3rd.
10:49 - Nice hands, Gibson. Are your fingers made out of flaccid penises? What an asshole. 15-0 Alabama.
10:56 - Sugar free Jell-O was made for people born without testicles and for use as barbaric torture devices. I felt incredibly white trash after eating that.
11:05 - Musburger - "The Honey Badger fears no man." The Honey Badger also likes fucking his team out of awesome field position late in the game by being a selfish fuck face on punt returns. The Honey Badger also likes how farts smell...ALL farts.
11:10 - HEY! LSU finally made it across the 50. Only took them three and a half quarters!
11:13 - Alabama's defense is just filthy. I would accept any one of Alabama's defensive starters in Cleveland right now. Today.
11:20 - Trenton "Baby Making Machine" Richardson...touchdown. The dagger. Richardson celebrates by getting to smell Mark Ingram's breath two inches from his face.
11:25 - This is where I tap out. Jordan Jefferson doesn't have 3 touchdowns tucked away in his anus and I don't care to stick around for any more magical Musburger moments. Congrats to Alabama. Let the debate for the "true" National Champion begin. Cowturd probably thinks it's Oregon. Or USC.