Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"Live" Blogging the Worst Game of All Time

             "Need a stand in baby catcher?  I'm your guy!  Check this shit out!!"

I know I said I wouldn't be watching this game, but I just can't help myself.  As much as I would love to have the balls to boycott SEC deep throat fest 2012, I would be doing this fine site a disservice if I ignored this game completely.  So.  After careful consideration, I said fuck it and decided to "live" blog the National Championship game...or until I stop caring.

7:45 - Lee Corso sounds more and more like Farmer Fran as the days pass.  It is truly glorious.

7:46 - Awesome shot of Dre Kirkpatrick shouting incoherent black guy stuff into the camera while banging on his head like a drum.  Simultaneously, Herbstreit tells viewers how Kirkpatrick didn't play in the last meeting because of a concussion.  Dumb is so hilarious.

7:50 - 45 MINUTES TO KICK OFF??  Fuck that.  I'll be back...

8:22 - Trent Richardson had a kid when he was 16.  Anyone shocked?

8:25 - Alfred Blue couldn't play for a more fitting team.  YER MY BOY, BLUE!

8:26 - Nick Saban literally wears his pants above his belly button.  I hate myself for noticing that.

8:27 - The lone white captain (LSU) looks completely terrified during the coin flip.  "Where'd all these black folk come from?!"

8:30 - Aaaaaaand we're off.

8:32 - Two minutes in and already a 3 and out.  Cooooooool.

8:34 - Brad Smelley.  LOLZ.  Bet that kid didn't get destroyed growing up.

8:38 - Punt #2...but at least we saw a couple first downs this time.  This is almost as exciting as watching scrambled Skinemax on your parents 22 inch box TV.  Use your imagination, kids.

8:43 - Running the option with Jordan Jefferson against this defense is like masturbating with hairspray.  Bloody.  Destructive.  Chaotic.  Lots of skin loss and a ton of screaming.

8:48 - Huge return by Maze setting up Alabama for a possible early score but explodes his leg in the process.  I would bet my scrotum this winds up being a field goal.  Surprise, surprise.  3-0 Alabama from the foot of Alabama's terrible kicker, S-something.

8:54 - LSU goes no huddle early and it worked as well as the flame thrower I made out of a Super Soaker when I was 12.

9:02 - McCarron hearts his tight ends.  McCarron also hearts wieners.  He'll be a perfect fit for the Browns in 3 years when Cleveland is desperately scrambling for their three billionth QB in 20 years.  It'll be fun watching the student trying to out "check down" the master, Colt McCoy.

9:05 - The Honey Badger is the queerest nickname in football.  FACT.  As Musburger makes a terrible joke, we come to the end of the 1st quarter with Alabama up 3-0.  Let me go stick my cock on an electric fence so I can wake up for the 2nd quarter.

9:08 - McCarron overthrows Smelley...then pees his pants.  Nice pass, you fuckin loser.

9:10 - Saban's wife gives his nuts back long enough for a fake FG attempt that appears to have worked.  WHERE THE FUCK IS TRENT RICHARDSON?  Probably making babies with Saban's daughter.

9:16 - Blocked FG.  Satisfied, Saban?  Never attempt a FG over 40 yards ever again.

9:23 - When Brent Musburger swallows that dick from a glory hole in a truck stop bathroom...he prays that Brad Wing is on the other side of the divider.  THAT...I am sure of.

9:35 - LSU has twenty fucking six yards of offense with 4 minutes to go in the first half.  I hate this game like I hate poison.  And I don't think I have to remind you how much I hate poison.  6-0 Alabama.

9:46 - I don't think I can do this in the 2nd half.  9-0 Alabama.  Half time.  Saban needs to put some band-aids over his titanium nipples or wear an under shirt.  One or the other must happen.

10:00 - Is there a more annoying commercial on TV than the Sprint 4G with the two cosmic fucking douche bags tailgating at some made up football game?  "Remember when I said "hi" to that girl and instantly crapped my pants because I have the people skills of a kindergartner because my fucking snout is constantly pressed into my only friend also known as my phone?"  Soooooooo 12 seconds ago.  Get a life, fag.

10:10 - Marquis Maze wants to thank ESPN for catching him at his lowest life moment as he bawls like a bitch after hearing the news that he's done for the night.

10:14 - Okay.  Okay.  Here's some offense.  Two things I've noticed so far.  First, A.J. McCarron has been really impressive in this game.  I take back the "fucking loser" comment from earlier.  Figured I would slide in my compliment in between Musburger verbal salad tossings.  Second, Mathieu is a terrible one on one cover corner.  Like...Eric Wright terrible.

10:18 - God Damn it.  Another fucking field goal.

10:24 - So Musburger blows our minds with this nugget.  "Brad Wing didn't even pick up an American football until 2 years ago."  So fucking what?  Is it inherently more difficult to kick an American football than an Australian football?  Was Wing always under the impression that an American football was an incredibly bizarre shape...like a rhombus?  I just googled "Australian football".  The two balls are almost identical in shape.  What a complete fucking idiot.

10:32 - The Sony 3D camera.  Welcome to the age of home made 3D couples porn.  That's what most people are thinking when they see that commercial.

10:34 - Great pass, Jefferson.  There's a CFL roster spot waiting for you somewhere in Alberta.  Too bad Al Davis finally succumbed to whatever parasite was slowly eating away at his body.  I'm sure he would've wasted a King's ransom on you.

10:43 - LSU's offense is LOLZ.  It might as well be 70-0 with the way LSU is moving the ball.  This shit is over with 2:00 left in the 3rd.

10:49 - Nice hands, Gibson.  Are your fingers made out of flaccid penises?  What an asshole.  15-0 Alabama.

10:56 - Sugar free Jell-O was made for people born without testicles and for use as barbaric torture devices.  I felt incredibly white trash after eating that.

11:05 - Musburger - "The Honey Badger fears no man."  The Honey Badger also likes fucking his team out of awesome field position late in the game by being a selfish fuck face on punt returns.  The Honey Badger also likes how farts smell...ALL farts.

11:10 - HEY!  LSU finally made it across the 50.  Only took them three and a half quarters!

11:13 - Alabama's defense is just filthy.  I would accept any one of Alabama's defensive starters in Cleveland right now.  Today.

11:20 - Trenton "Baby Making Machine" Richardson...touchdown.  The dagger.  Richardson celebrates by getting to smell Mark Ingram's breath two inches from his face.

11:25 - This is where I tap out.  Jordan Jefferson doesn't have 3 touchdowns tucked away in his anus and I don't care to stick around for any more magical Musburger moments.  Congrats to Alabama.  Let the debate for the "true" National Champion begin.  Cowturd probably thinks it's Oregon.  Or USC.


GMoney said...

It was only fitting that the worst college football season of the last 20 years ends with the worst possible game. When your season isn't going to be remembered for anything other than interracial shower pedophilia, it isn't a good season.

I watched about a combined 25 minutes of this and I want my money back. These teams are terrible. But that being said, I don't want to see a +1 because I don't want to watch another shitty college football game this year. More MAC games or GTFO.

Trent Richardson with the dagger? The dagger was the first field goal.

No one runs the option worse than Jordan Jefferson. But he's ELITE at kicking a veteran who is on the ground.

I LOLed at Brad Smelley all night.

My one wish is that some day Brent Musberger admits that he has bet money on every game that he's ever called. We all know it's true.

Less than 8 months from the Urban Meyer Era starting 0-1...

Mr. Ace said...

What a fucking horrible game. So LSU beats Bama at Bama 9-6, Bama beats LSU at neutral site 21-0...Bama=National Champion? I don't like that.

Guess who was the only team to have less total yards than LSU in a BCS Championship game??? Congrats Fuckeyes.

Bring on the Plus 1.

Grumpy said...

Every bowl game with a MAC team was more entertaining than that abortion.

Once was on a flight with Brent Musburger and talked to him for awhile before boarding. Very personable guy. Probably didn't hurt that I was wearing Miami gear and his daughter went to Miami.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised I made it through the whole thing. I guess the NCG was lucky there wasn't shit else on TV last night.

I contemplated turning my N64 on at half time. HEAVILY contemplated.

Anonymous said...

Not shocking that Ape is too dumb to understand that it's perfectly fine for Alabama to be the national champion.


Anonymous said...

That's all I've got today boys. On the road today so play nice without me.

Jeff said...

Exactly Drew, New England beats NYG in the Meadowlands then loses to NYG at a neutral site in the superbowl and the Football Giants are Superbowl Champs ?!?!? lolz

What what the honey badger count from Musberger last night? 15-20?

Mr. Ace said...

I would have much rather read a live blog of you playing Golden Eye than the second half of that shit show. For the record, I would own you in Golden Eye.

Drew, you moran. Obviously they won the game, so yeah, national champs. Just a dumb system. Butt fuck.

GMoney said...

You heard it...Musberger inducted Grumpy into the Mile High Club.

Tim Tenor > Alabama/LSU

Mr. Ace said...

Jeff, the Giants went all the way through the playoffs as a wild card team and then beat the Pats in the Super Bowl. If you can't see the difference in the two situations then you are obviously a Steelers fan who went to Clemson.

Anonymous said...

The bcs committee better fix this long layoff shit. I think if this game is played within 2 weeks of the reg season lsu wins. Hopefully the plus one puts 2 games in mid December and then the champ game around Jew years day. Makes too much fucking sense. Now get it done.

Okie state would have murked both of these teams.


MUDawgfan said...

LSU probably opens as next years #1 team.


Considering they get Alabama and Washington (???) at home, they have a very easy road back to Atlanta for the SECCG

Anonymous said...

If we are challenging people on their n64 pride, I will take any of you fucks on in Mario kart. Sounds like we need a tournament during BBQ day.


Anonymous said...

Mudawg- how could it be an easy road? They play in the SEC!!!!


Anonymous said...

Okie State would have gotten their ass handed to them by both of those teams. Once you lose to IOWA STATE...who got punked by Rutgers in their bowl game...you lose all rights to being able to bitch about not being in the NCG.



Anonymous said...

By the way...it's hilarious to listen to these ESPN fucks talking about how dominate the SEC is, but NEVER EVER BRINGING UP OVERSIGNING. Oh...wonder why they are so dominant? Maybe....just maybe...it's because they sign 5 classes over 4 years when everyone else gets 4 classes? Yeah...that just may have a tad to do with it. Cocksuckers.


MuDawgfan said...

Dut - because there most challenging games are all at home.

There toughest road game is likely Arkansas to close the season on the Friday after Thanksgiving.

GMoney said...

It's way too early for this many comments already.

Dut, you're on but I'm going to use all of the cheats to beat you.

Drew, can you blame Iowa State for losing to Rutgers? They were losing God's gift to offensive coordinating!

The real crime last night was the news that Edge was going into the WWE Hall Of Fame before Randy Savage. I can live with the 4 Horsemen getting in (WOOOOO!), but Edge fucking sucked. And they really need to give this HOF a building. I would visit it every week.

Mr. Ace said...

Speaking of oversigning... http://www.buckys5thquarter.com/2012/1/8/2691696/oversigning-update-to-the-cheaters-belong-the-bowls

Teams that have signed more players than their opponents in bowl games this year are 16-4. That's fucking crazy. This is the best betting information ever.

Anonymous said...

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I am the undisputed God at GoldenEye. Its not close and there's nothing that can be said. Reba got all cute one day bragging about his younger brother. I put a grand on it. He declined. That offer is still on the table boys.

There wasn't enough skill involved in Mario Jars to warrant a greatest ever. There were definite shit players, but I never knew anyone to flat out dominate. Yoshi 4 life.

Mario Tennis on the other hand....


Anonymous said...

Jars = Kart

Anonymous said...

IDE- you've never seen me play.


Anonymous said...

Which game?

Anonymous said...

Mario jars

Jeff said...

Mario Golf is where it's at

Mr. Ace said...

Dut is also afraid to play me in ping pong. Just thought I would throw that out there. I dominate the High Beck Tavern on the daily, yo. Get at me.

GMoney said...

Anyone that drives as Yoshi or Toad is a faggot. Be a man. Wario is the greatest.


Grumpy said...

I have a great story concerning me and Super Mario Bros. on Nintendo 64, but I'll save it for RibFest.

Anonymous said...

I imagine it has something to do with your kids playing N64.


Prime99 said...

Mario Jars is a fantastic game!

N64 smack talk is WAY more interesting than that abortion of a NCG last night. That was the ultimate game to let the wife change the channel. She doesn't know it's awful so there is extra bonus points for turning off football.

Anonymous said...

Id be interested in some high stakes Mario Kart. $10 a race with 4 players. We can even go battle mode too. However, you all want to pay me.


Anonymous said...

G$'s original (dumb) choice for Ribfest has shut it's doors....

Six of the seven Hoggy’s restaurants closed yesterday after poor sales forced the Columbus-based barbecue chain into receivership.

The lone remaining location, in Gahanna, will remain open and will be operated by the receiver under court jurisdiction, said A.C. Strip, an attorney who represents the receiver.

The shutdown resulted in 100 job losses, he said.

The company, well known for its slabs of ribs and pulled pork sandwiches, had just marked its 20th anniversary last year.

Much of the company's difficulty stemmed from the economic downturn, Strip said.

“The stores were shut down because they were underperforming,” he said. “It’s a very difficult business climate right now for restaurants, especially in a down economy and with increased competition.”

All gift cards currently held by consumers will be honored at the Gahanna store, which will “ continue to do business as usual,” Strip said.

Tim Tenor said...

I'm really good at Mario Jars.

Anonymous said...

G$'s original (dumb) choice for Ribfest has shut it's doors

Not sure what made that a dumb choice but whatevs. Hoggy's is delicious.


Anonymous said...

Jesus! What did I miss? A kick ass conversation about the best system ever created, that's what!

Ape...anytime, anywhere with GoldenEye my friend. I'll beat your ass so badly you'll piss yourself anytime you hear the Bond theme song.

Mario Jars involves little to no skill. Ide said it perfectly. There isn't a best player, just people who are terrible and shouldn't be allowed to handle a controller.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone even have an N64?

Grumpy said...

No Ide, it involves me. I've looked at N64 systems on eBay; thought about getting one again.

Tracy said...

The bcs committee better fix this long layoff shit. I think if this game is played within 2 weeks of the reg season lsu wins. Hopefully the plus one puts 2 games in mid December and then the champ game around Jew years day. Makes too much fucking sense. Now get it done. Okie state would have murked both of these teams. Dut