"Joe Flacco is ELITE!"--Nobody

“I’m sure if we win, I’ll have nothing to do with why we won according to you guys. It is what it is. We’re going to do our best to try to win it and it doesn’t really matter what the reason is.”—Joseph Flacco, 1/12/2012

Joe Flacco may define the word “average”, but is pretty dead-on with his prediction that he will have nothing to do with the Ravens winning playoff games. What a whiny little bitch. WAAAAAAAAH, NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ONLY THROWN ONE GREAT PASS IN MY CAREER (this year to beat Pittsburgh)! You know, we like to throw the word ELITE around here all the time but it really seems like Flacco is hung up on being considered ELITE, too. The problem with that is that he sucks and Ray Rice is waaaaaaay more important to that offense than he is. Think of it this way: when Rice gets stuffed, the Ravens are fucked. When he goes nuts, they can’t be stopped. Joe Flacco can piss and moan about his “place in this world” (RICHARD MARX REFERENCE, YA HEARD!), but he’s a game manager. Period. When he throws the ball over 30 times, Baltimore is going to lose.

And I don’t know if anyone else caught it, but last week Flacco called in to Mike and Mike himself asking to be interviewed on the air. Seriously, Greenberg was caught way off guard that someone would just randomly call their switchboard and ask for an entire segment. I would assume that big radio shows normally line up guests on their own and that the athletes don’t do their own booking. That is what producers are for (I think).  Not Flacco—he DEMANDS air time at that hot 7:45 AM segment to get his word to the masses!

In conclusion, Joe Flacco fucking sucks and sounds like a big dork and I hope he loses this weekend.

Now let’s start predicting this weekend’s FOOTBAWWWWW! Three of these four games have fucking massive lines attached but you know damn well that someone is getting shocked. Take last weekend for example: you knew that not all of the favorites were going to cover. But both did on Saturday and then the Giants did, too, and your left thinking, “Fuck, I guess that Tenor is going to at least cover, right?” And he came through tenfold. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if the favorites win the first three games, quickly put a grand on the Giants to win. Let’s get to the breakdown, predictions, and results from last week:

NOLA (-3.5) @ Frisco O/U 47.5
Be careful. The Saints are a tad OVERRATED on the road. I don’t know what to make of this game. The Niners need to get to 27 or 28 to have a chance but their defense is insane so who knows. As I keep saying, one of these days karma is going to come back to haunt Sean Payton. I think that the Saints could be in trouble this week after sniffing their own farts for the past month, but I don’t think that they’ll lose. NFL MVP David Akers keeps it close and, when in doubt, take the points. New Orleans 28-26 OVER

The Denver Tenors @ Team Grit (-13.5) O/U 50.5
The ratings for Tenor’s game last weekend set all sorts of records and I will not be surprised that this primetime special does the same. It will CRUSH the BCS title game because everyone knows that the NFL is way better than college football. TOTES!  FACT! I’ve been saying all year that the Patriots will do what they always do and lose their first playoff game. But, Christ, this isn’t the match-up that I was expecting for them. Let’s be honest (or LESBIONEST if you speak Pauly D), there is no fucking way that the Broncos can win this game, right? I’m rooting for it to happen and all, but I don’t see it. Sorry, Tenor, thanks for the future ribs but it ends tomorrow. New England 38-10 UNDER

Wade Phillips’ Gunt @ Murderers (-8.5) O/U 35.5
I don’t think that it is humanly possible to root for the Ravens in any situation. Even when they play the loathsome Steelers, I can’t muster up the courage to pull for them. Which means that we are all Texans fans this weekend! Yay! Let’s win this one and remind Joe Flacco of his un-elite-ness! I liked what I saw from Houston last week but I don’t think that works on the road in the cold. This is the least sexy game of the weekend and I have a feeling that it plays out very similarly to the earlier game between these two squadrons. Give me the guy that got away with killing people in a fairly convincing fashion. Baltimore 24-13 OVER

Five Dollar Foot Longs @ Discount Doublechecks (-7.5) O/U 52.5
How do you factor in the Green Bay OC’s son drowning in the Oshkosh River? That has to have some sort of effect on the Packers, right? I am getting sick and fucking tired of hearing people comparing this Giants playoff run to the one from their Super Bowl year. STOP IT. But then again, I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that this is your upset. Yep, I’m calling it, the Packers are going down…at home…to Eli Manning…again. I heard someone on the radio say that if the Giants win this game, that Eli will eclipse Peyton as a QB. You know what, that’s not as crazy as you might think. The champs are going home early. New York 31-30 OVER

So my prediction for the conference chanpionships are NYG @ NO and BAL @ NE. Yeah, I’m going to stick with that. The results from last week…

6-2: Li’l Strut
5-3: Jeff, Dut
4-4: GMoney, Prime
3-5: Drew, Damman, Ide, Andrew, Iceman
2-6: Seal, Brady

By the way, I looked up who was the best in this contest last year and it was the enigmatic “mdrgolf” who has not appeared since! Good times! My guess that it was MDashRexterribleatGolf was ELITE. Leave your picks in the comments and enjoy the pigskin that we are quickly running out of.