Here's Someone That We Can All Hate

You take that goddamn shirt off right now, fucker.

The first time that I heard Terrelle Pryor speak, I knew that I was going to hate him forever. When I read about Bryce Brown, I felt the same way. Just one look at an 18 year old Jimmy Clausen damn near sent me on a homicidal spree. Sometimes you just know right away that you are going to loathe someone whether they’ve done anything wrong or not. And today I would like to announce that even though he is still in high school, I already despise Notre Dame commit (at least for now), QB Gunner Kiel from Columbus, IN (Oh God, I’m talking about recruiting…NOOOOOOOO!!!).

I’ll give some back story to winners like Prime and Grumpy and Seal who don’t live and die by college football recruiting. Kiel initially committed (around a year or so ago, I think) to Indiana. It probably had a lot to do with new coach Kevin Wilson being an offensive guru and a little to do with being close to home. Either way, I found it sort of noble that one of the nation’s ELITE quarterback prospects would try to rebuild such a terrible program. He seemed determined to be a local hero. Not only would he be BMOC in Bloomington, but had Kiel been half as good as recruiting services think, he would have been skull-fucking a new sexy coed every night for the rest of eternity. And in today’s day and age, it doesn’t matter where you play because you will be televised and pro scouts will see you.

But alas, Indiana blows. Gunner (not Nelson) realized that he didn’t want to waste four years on a bad Hoosier team, so he de-committed from them and pledged allegiance to Les Miles. Why he felt that he needed to verbally commit at all, I do not know. I really hate the whole verbal commit thing anyway (since stupid kids change their minds all the time) but that is beside the point. Either way, he made a lot of enemies at IU by shitting on them and decided to head to the Bayou. Oh, he was a “verbal Tiger” for about 30 seconds before de-committing (again). This time it was because mommy and daddy didn’t want their little Gunner to be so far away. WHAT A FAGGOT FAMILY!

A few days later (my timeline might not be 100% correct on this, but its close enough), Gunner Kiel announces that he will attend Notre Dame in the Fall (just like Sean Astin and Mateus!). Les Miles, not wanting any pussies in his program, didn’t even bother coming up to Indiana to convince him to come South. He just let him go (and rightfully so). Mark Schlabach was on ESPN the night of this decision and pretty much crushed the Kiel family. The reporter said that the Kiels pretty much went through the depth charts of all the big problems that had made offers, identified the programs without much competition under center, and made their choice based on that. Basically, Gunner Kiel went through three schools in six months and settled on the one that would be the easiest. Yes, he is going to South Bend because he doesn’t want to have to compete. Kiel wants the starting job handed to him.

FUCK. THIS. KID. And definitely fuck his mom and dad in the gash. This is just one of the many reasons that I hate recruiting and National Signing Day so much. 18 year old kids are shit weasels and no one should give a prolapsed uterus about what they say or do. Gunner Kiel is a perfect example of this. He made a mockery of the entire (flawed) system and left two programs twisting in the wind because he and his family are morons.

I look forward to the first time when Brian Kelly goes all “angry, red-faced troll” on him on national TV for the entire world to see. I can’t wait to see how this mama’s boy reacts to that. Anyone want to bet that Ma and Pa parent the same way that Craig James does? In a way though, Kiel and the Irish are a perfect fit for each other. Douchebags deserve to be surrounded by other douchebags at a place designed by and built for douchebags. It truly is a match made in Hell.

In conclusion, fuck Gunner Kiel and fuck Notre Dame. That is all. And I probably just opened the comments up to a whole shitstorm of recruiting mumbo-jumbo. In that case, fuck me, too.