G$'s Application To Stardom Is Complete

YOU ARE A JUDAS!

My work computer took a dump on me around lunchtime yesterday.  After a long and annoying phone call to tech support, the router was fried or some dumb shit that I didn't understand and I'm supposed to get a replacement (which I'm expected to install myself for some reason) this morning.  Whatever.  Without my computer though, I have very little that I can accomplish.  After about 15 minutes of staring off into space and realizing that I have to stick around for at least three more hours, I pulled out my destiny (not my penis) and got to work.

That's right, remember when I publicly announced here that I was going to apply to be on Big Brother next Summer.  Well, fuckheads, my application is complete.  Now this was not a simple task at all.  The damn thing is 14 pages long and took me over an hour.  It is the most actual writing that I've done in a decade and my hand started cramping.  But I put down what I needed to say and how I think that America will take a shine to me.

The questions that they asked were pretty stupid.  For example:
*Who is your hero and why?--Uh, myself...duh?
*What are three things that you would bring into the house with you if Big Brother allowed it?--Can I bring in three fleshlights?  Does the light and can of lube count as two things?  Because those two are a team and can not be split up.
*What would be your strategy to win the game?--Don't overreact and "kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out".
*What are your favorite foods?--Asian snatch and microwaved eggs
*What are three adjectives that best describe you?--Gorgeous.  Pants-shitting.  Self-described Huguenot.
*Have you ever sought mental help?--Banana!
*Do you drink?  How often and, when you do, do you get drunk?--Yes and fuck yes.
*If you answered yes to the above question, how do you behave when you get drunk?--I am loud and obnoxious (anyone who is reading this can confirm).  Will the house have 4 Loko?  Because if there is any in the house, you better have some rape kits on site.
*If you become famous from Big Brother, how will it change you?--More random hummers, I assume.  Probably quite a few free shots, too.  I would probably have to get a whole new set of friends because the current group would not be able to handle my shining star.

14 pages of this.  Needless to say, it was a bit tedious.  But our work is not done here.  That's right, I am asking for YOUR help to make me the greatest reality television star in the history of the world.  Here's how it is going to work:

So Grumpy owes the entire comment section a free meal, right?  This is totes going to happen and happen soon.  This meal does not come free of consequences though.  In order for CBS to take my application, I need to also send them a video, no longer than 2 minutes, detailing why "I would be the perfect candidate for Big Brother.  Be creative!".  Now I don't know the first thing about producing or directing and this is where I need a little help.  I need some sort of cool gimmick to make my video stand out amongst the other applicants (like a crazy location or sitting on the toilet or something).  Mr. Ape (I'm told) used to walk around high school videotaping things (like a fucking weirdo) so he can probably direct this masterpiece.  But I want you all to brainstorm on how I can look good and hilarious.  Basically, we need CBS to say, "That guy...that is our guy."

I was thinking something like the Fundamentals YouTube video that Mark Titus did when he would dive on the floor, look at the camera, and say "HUSTLE".  But, you know, with a spin toward me.  Like Ape could tape me staring at a nasty stripper and I would look over at him and say "ATTENTION TO DETAIL" or "HORNY AS FUCK" or something like that.  I'm not married to the idea and I'm more than willing to accept other thoughts.  They have not set a deadline for applying yet, but I'd like to get it done as soon as possible.

So let's spend today coming up with ideas because I have already decided that "no help on this project = no Grumpy BBQ".  Yeah, that's right.  Fire away.  And you never know, your jokey reply could be the winner.