Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Bowl Week Finale

                          "I'll pay ya twenty bucks to lick my neck skin."



Happy fuckin New Year anus boils.  Since most of you shit suckers are too busy sniffing 12 year old girl panties and didn't come up with New Year's resolutions...I did it for you.  Because I'm a hell of a guy.  Make sure you stick with it or bad shit will definitely happen  to you.  Like getting raped by a dragon.

G$ - Stop eating scabs.  It's just gross.
Drew - No one thinks your used tampon collection is "neat".  Get rid of it.
Grumpy - STOP POOPING IN YOUR PANTS!
Lil Strut - Less chest hair.  For the love of God, less chest hair.
Ide - Fuck a black chick.
Dut - No more asking girls if it's okay if you call them Urban Meyer during sex.
Prime - Look less like Jeff Daniels with AIDS.
Lange - No more dirty sanchezing yourself.
Ace - Eat a God damn hamburger for Christ sake.  This isn't the fucking 70's.
Damman - No more fat chicks.  People are starting to talk.
Brady - Remember...the dresses are for your wife.  Even the ones with the OSU logo.

If I didn't mention you it's probably because I don't like you.  My resolution was to be perfect with my picks this week.  Let's take a look how I did.

Sugar Bowl
Michigan (-3) vs. Fighting Fake Necks

I'm sure this will get labeled as a homer pick but I don't care.  I don't care the same way Frank Beamer doesn't care his fake neck was forged from bean bag chair leather.  The fact remains that Michigan just has better players.  Judging by how Virginia Tech dazzled the nation with their strength of schedule this year, I expect a complete massacre courtesy of Hoke-A-Mania.  Michigan

Orange Bowl
West Virginia (+3) vs. Clemson

I think this one's pretty obvious.  West Virginia fills up the roster with rapists, slack jawed yokels, back yard moonshiners, incestual marriages and toothless pig fuckers.  It's just too bad none of that wins football games.  Side note...was John Denver huffing moose piss when he wrote that line in "Take me Home, Country Roads"?  Almost heaven??  If heaven is like your worst nightmare covered in a bad acid trip soaked in hillbilly semen, then yeah.  Spot on.  No wonder you're dead.  Anyway, Clemson is the way better team in this match up and I think it's a blow out.  Clemson

Cotton Bowl
Kansas St. (+8) vs. Arkansas

The Hillbilly Bowl!  WhoooooooEeeeeeeeee!!  I expect tailgaters to have meth labs in the parking lot instead of food spreads and beer coolers.  If OshKosh B'Gosh overalls get you hard, this Bowl is for you and your weird sexual fetishes.  I thought Kansas State was a joke all year and their record suggests they're better than they really are.  Plus the SEC is totes > than the Big 12.  Arkansas

Compass Bowl
SMU (+3.5) vs. Pittsburgh

What the fuck?  How did this dumpster fire slip past the week of mediocre teams playing in useless bowl games?  I'm offended I'm forced to write about this game this late in the bowl season.  I would rather suck on inside crotch fabric of dirty underwear than watch a second of this bullshit.  Because Craig James is a turbo queer...Pittsburgh.

GODADDY.com Bowl
Arkansas St. (-1.5) vs. Northern Illinois

Jesus Christ!  Another one?!  /fart noise.  Way to warm the country up for the National Title Game by deep throating them with a fuckin snoozer.  Perhaps this move was tactical now that I think of it.  A Gilmore Girls marathon sounds exciting after watching this absolutely terrible game. Fuck...I guess Arkansas State.

National Championship Game
LSU (-1) vs. Alabama

The 80 and over Caucasian demographic can hardly contain their boners for this one.  The erections are so massive the skin is starting to split a little...like someone with really chapped lips on a cold winter evening.  The only way I'm watching this game is if Gus Johnson announces and does Gus Johnson things.  But it will probably be Mike Tirico with gayness ensuing.  Plus I'm still bitter about Alabama getting in without a conference title and Michigan getting hosed back in 2006.  LSU

Standings

Dut 21-8
Drew 19-10
Iceman 18-11
Damman 16-13
Justin 16-13
Prime 15-14
Lange 15-14
GMoney 14-15
Andrew 14-15
Brady 12-17
Ace 10-19
Lil Strut 3-26 (No picks.  We have a new dickhead)

Well, faggots.  That will do it for the college football section of our program.  I'm sure you're all creaming your shorts at the idea of Iceman sticking around to fill your brain with knowledge rockets.  With no topic off limits for Tuesdays, this could get pretty fuckin silly.  Who knows what I'll do?  Maybe I'll just put up a picture of a turtle's asshole and call it a day.  One thing is for sure, we'll know the winner of the bowl challenge next week.  Whoever wins I'll need an address so I can mail a prize that I haven't decided on yet.  I'm leaning towards a box of used condoms.  Enjoy, cock knockers.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

You like me. You really like me.

GMoney said...

Look less like Jeff Daniels with AIDS--Bra-fucking-vo, BRAH!

So did Stanford's kicker kill himself yet? He should.

Silly, Iceman, you should know better than this by now. MAC bowls are always ELITE.

Nice job, Big Ten. Bret Bielema's win % in big games has to be about 3%, right?

Michigan (VT has kicked about 40 kickers off the team this week)
WV
Kansas State
SMU
NIU
Bama

GMoney said...

It's nice to see the Urban Meyer effect already coming into play. I'm actually glad that Fickell is staying around because he blows at everything except for looking like Mr. Schlade on meth.

Anonymous said...

G$...I'm glad Fickelll is staying around too. He's an excellent position coach and tremendous recruiter.

I enjoyed watching Luck last night. He's definitely very good.

Do people actually think that Blackmon not being 6'5'' is going to keep him from being ELITE? Dude is a monster. He's like Dez Bryant, except he's not a complete retard.

Props to the Spartans.

Picks...

Michigan (I'll be rooting for VT, but I don't think they will win)

Clemson

Arkansas

SMU

Northern Illinois

LSU

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm quietly moving up in the Money Shot Bowl Cesspool. Are there prizes for the winner, because I think I'm going to shock the world.

How can you be #4 in the country with a kicker like that?

GMoney said...

How does Stanford not have even one decent receiver? Actually, I think I answered my own question. There has never been an intelligent wide receiver and you have to be smart to get into Stanford. That was easy.

Grump, there are prizes. An envelope smeared with feces is still a prize.

Is Fickell the biggest loser on the planet? Going from head coach to not-even-the-DC is about the biggest bitch move on the planet.

Way to win 6 games over the last 2 years. Coach Dead In 12 Months has his work cut out for him with this terrible program.

But yeah, people that don't see Bradford as THE TROOF in the NFL are idiots. That guy is a stud.

The Iceman said...

Brandon Weeden's face suggests he's having an allergic reaction to life. If his face is that fat at 28 I'm putting money on him looking like a cabbage patch kid in 20 years.

That Freshman waste of skin is completely worthless. People will AND SHOULD call him Ray Finkle until the end of time. What a choad.

Matt Millen announcing games is hilarious. He knows so little about football.

Anonymous said...

G$...Fickell is co-DC...just like he was the last 5 years. Where do you get your lies?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

You like me. You really like me.



Grumpy, were you quoting Sally Field on that or Stanley Ipkiss? One makes you gay and one makes you cool.

Anonymous said...

Woah, fucking a black chick? That's a bit overboard. I would have went with, be nice to one that I didn't know.

Regardless, I'm bound to fail at either.

Ide

GMoney said...

Jesus, I'm typing like Tim Tenor today.

Bradford = Blackmon

Matt Millen is truly shit, but nobody knows less about the rules than Jon Gruden. Did anyone read Mike Pereira's Fox article last week that MURDERED Gruden for not knowing anything about football on the MNF game between ATL/NO? That was the best thing I've ever read.

If you aren't calling the defensive plays, you aren't the DC. That Withers guy is. You can put a Co in front of his name all you want but that isn't what he is, was, or ever will be. It's a fake title. FACT. And once I put FACT down, it is the truth. YOU LOSE!

Anonymous said...

FACT. Fickell is calling the plays per Urban. So, maybe you should learn your FACTS before you label them as FACTS....you dumb motherfuckin' caucasian.

I liked when Millen said that that early hit wasn't helmet to helmet...then they replayed it and it was completely helmet to helmet and he said something like, "Ehhh...I still like it".

--Drew

GMoney said...

FACT: Nah, you keep spreading lies. I am right. I have to be because I always am.

The Iceman said...

I liked when Millen said that that early hit wasn't helmet to helmet...then they replayed it and it was completely helmet to helmet and he said something like, "Ehhh...I still like it".

Drew, that was tremendous. He was sooooo sure it wasn't a dirty hit then Sean McDonough watched the replay and totally called him out. Millen might as well have made a fart noise compared to what came out of his mouth after that.

Blackmon is going to be the cat's ass in the NFL. And he also has the largest tongue in all of sports. That thing was like the broad side of a shovel.

Prime99 said...

Michigan

WV

Arkansas

SMU

Northern Illinois

LSU

I wouldn't look like I have AIDS if my friend Lloyd would just stop putting TurboLax in my tea! Coming from someone Drew once described as having the head of a South Park character, I'll take Jeff Daniels as a compliment.

Supposedly the Stanford kicker was crying like a baby in the locker room yesterday. He may end up becoming Ray Finkle! 3rd Jim Carey movie reference in the comments today!!!

Anonymous said...

G$..How does my ass-hole taste this morning? New year...and you are the same boot licker.

Looks like we are getting close to Demarcus Cousins blowing his lid off of his head and I couldn't be more excited.

--Drew

Brady said...

I, for one, can't wait for the Iceman's unique insight into the world of sports. His piece's always include numerous dick jokes, poop references and various sexual positions with animals. Whats not to love right?

Fucking pathetic effort given by the Ohio St. special teams. Say what you will about Jim Tressel but that shit wouldn't have happened under his watch. I can't even rememeber the last time I saw a blocked punt against the Buckeyes. Whatevs. The perfect ending to a fucking worthless year. Bring on Urban and I hope Jim Bollman suffers a fiery death in the coming weeks.

Picks:

Begrudgingly... Michigan
Clemson
Arkansas
Pittsburgh
N. Illinois
LSU

Grumpy said...

Sally Field. Jim Carey is a douche and not funny.

Mr. Ace said...

Michigan
Clemson
Ark
Pitt
NIU
LSU

I had a Thurmanator last week. My colon is still angry.

The Iceman said...

The only Sally Field I want you quoting is from Forest Gump.

Thurmanator is top 5 best things to eat in America. FACT.

GMoney said...

Thurmanator is the Thurman Burger topped with a bacon cheeseburger, correct? You know that it's not soy, right?

Urban has apparently banned the players from using Twitter. Smart move. EVERY coach should do this. Actually, Twitter is for faggots and should be banned by Tim Tenor Christ.

Anyone else here Cowherd do his annual racist rant against John Wall today? Awful.

Anonymous said...

Brady...Arkansas blocked the last OSU punt in the Sugar Bowl that supposedly never happened, even though Arkansas still has a L on their record from it. They blocked it...dude fell to the ground after he picked it up....then Mallet threw the INT to Thomas.

--Drew

Jeff said...

(I'm doing the dougie for 5 mins before I write my comment for the first time in awhile)

I'm surprised that John Wall hasn't hired someone to off Cowherd with all the hate that Cowherd has for him. He loves to take shots at him whenever he can, granted his stats suck and so do the Wiz. Cowherd claims that whenever he does a segment about John Wall it gets the highest ratings, just showing that racism is alive and well, which is never a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

You got that right Jeff. And how!

If I remember correctly, several teams ran kicks back on OSU last year.

Ide

GMoney said...

I want to announce that I just wrote a movie review for Rudy which "airs" tomorrow (timely since it was released 19 years ago!). I personally think it's amazing and it is longer than John Holmes (so make sure you got a big dump brewing).

I will literally shrivel up and die if anyone hates it.

The Iceman said...

You mean Rudy...the fictional tale about a fag at Notre Dame that everyone loved because of the uncomfortable amount of "spirit" he had? Can't wait...

Brady said...

Good call Drew. I forgot about that one because of the case of beer I had already consumed by that point. You are totally right though.

No more twitter from OSU players. That sucks. HOw am I supposed to chat with B. Roby or D. Clarke while drunk on a Friday night now? I like twitter even though G$ has declared only fags like it.

Grumpy said...

You mean Rudy of investment scam fame?

Justin VanAusdale said...

Michigan
Clemson
Arkansaas
Pitt
Ark St.
LSU

Anonymous said...

Michigan
Clemson
Arkansas
SMU
Northern Illinois
LSU

Dut