Happy fuckin New Year anus boils. Since most of you shit suckers are too busy sniffing 12 year old girl panties and didn't come up with New Year's resolutions...I did it for you. Because I'm a hell of a guy. Make sure you stick with it or bad shit will definitely happen to you. Like getting raped by a dragon.
G$ - Stop eating scabs. It's just gross.
Drew - No one thinks your used tampon collection is "neat". Get rid of it.
Grumpy - STOP POOPING IN YOUR PANTS!
Lil Strut - Less chest hair. For the love of God, less chest hair.
Ide - Fuck a black chick.
Dut - No more asking girls if it's okay if you call them Urban Meyer during sex.
Prime - Look less like Jeff Daniels with AIDS.
Lange - No more dirty sanchezing yourself.
Ace - Eat a God damn hamburger for Christ sake. This isn't the fucking 70's.
Damman - No more fat chicks. People are starting to talk.
Brady - Remember...the dresses are for your wife. Even the ones with the OSU logo.
If I didn't mention you it's probably because I don't like you. My resolution was to be perfect with my picks this week. Let's take a look how I did.
Michigan (-3) vs. Fighting Fake Necks
I'm sure this will get labeled as a homer pick but I don't care. I don't care the same way Frank Beamer doesn't care his fake neck was forged from bean bag chair leather. The fact remains that Michigan just has better players. Judging by how Virginia Tech dazzled the nation with their strength of schedule this year, I expect a complete massacre courtesy of Hoke-A-Mania. Michigan
West Virginia (+3) vs. Clemson
I think this one's pretty obvious. West Virginia fills up the roster with rapists, slack jawed yokels, back yard moonshiners, incestual marriages and toothless pig fuckers. It's just too bad none of that wins football games. Side note...was John Denver huffing moose piss when he wrote that line in "Take me Home, Country Roads"? Almost heaven?? If heaven is like your worst nightmare covered in a bad acid trip soaked in hillbilly semen, then yeah. Spot on. No wonder you're dead. Anyway, Clemson is the way better team in this match up and I think it's a blow out. Clemson
Kansas St. (+8) vs. Arkansas
The Hillbilly Bowl! WhoooooooEeeeeeeeee!! I expect tailgaters to have meth labs in the parking lot instead of food spreads and beer coolers. If OshKosh B'Gosh overalls get you hard, this Bowl is for you and your weird sexual fetishes. I thought Kansas State was a joke all year and their record suggests they're better than they really are. Plus the SEC is totes > than the Big 12. Arkansas
SMU (+3.5) vs. Pittsburgh
What the fuck? How did this dumpster fire slip past the week of mediocre teams playing in useless bowl games? I'm offended I'm forced to write about this game this late in the bowl season. I would rather suck on inside crotch fabric of dirty underwear than watch a second of this bullshit. Because Craig James is a turbo queer...Pittsburgh.
Arkansas St. (-1.5) vs. Northern Illinois
Jesus Christ! Another one?! /fart noise. Way to warm the country up for the National Title Game by deep throating them with a fuckin snoozer. Perhaps this move was tactical now that I think of it. A Gilmore Girls marathon sounds exciting after watching this absolutely terrible game. Fuck...I guess Arkansas State.
National Championship Game
LSU (-1) vs. Alabama
The 80 and over Caucasian demographic can hardly contain their boners for this one. The erections are so massive the skin is starting to split a little...like someone with really chapped lips on a cold winter evening. The only way I'm watching this game is if Gus Johnson announces and does Gus Johnson things. But it will probably be Mike Tirico with gayness ensuing. Plus I'm still bitter about Alabama getting in without a conference title and Michigan getting hosed back in 2006. LSU
Lil Strut 3-26 (No picks. We have a new dickhead)
Well, faggots. That will do it for the college football section of our program. I'm sure you're all creaming your shorts at the idea of Iceman sticking around to fill your brain with knowledge rockets. With no topic off limits for Tuesdays, this could get pretty fuckin silly. Who knows what I'll do? Maybe I'll just put up a picture of a turtle's asshole and call it a day. One thing is for sure, we'll know the winner of the bowl challenge next week. Whoever wins I'll need an address so I can mail a prize that I haven't decided on yet. I'm leaning towards a box of used condoms. Enjoy, cock knockers.