Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This Post Will Be Way Better If Duke Won Last Night

"SUCK MY DICK, GOD!"
I’m not even going to bother writing up anything creative and unshitty today. What’s the point when there are going to be 20+ comments before noon regarding “Duke Sux”, “Fuck Duke”, and “Is Austin Rivers black?”. So we’re running lean and mean on this Wednesday so that you can spew out whatever you want to in the comments without offending your gorgeous author. Since I’m writing this up before the tip of not-a-basketball-school vs. Duke (and the superior Miami/Cincinnati game...which begs the question, why are they playing the varsity game before the JV game?), here are a few other topics to munch on.

*I’m sorry, but if you are in the Eastern Time zone, there is no excuse for 9:36 pm tip-offs. It’s not like I’m going to watch the game anyway (I won’t) because Sons of Anarchy is way better and having a goddamn terrific bounce back season. Still...that's too late and I'm getting too old for this shit.

*Anyone else following this Syracuse story with all the butt play and whatnot? Apparently, ESPN knew about this shit in 2003 and just sat on it. Reason? Because there was only one accuser! Now that there are two, they think it’s a story. Nice morals!  Granted, McQueary was wrong all the way through for doing nothing, but ESPN pretty much did the exact same thing. What am I trying to say here exactly? Kill Cowherd.

*Well, the NBA Lockout is over and that means that our Lockout Arrest Draft is over before it really ever got started. That’s the biggest casualty of this whole saga. We each built tremendous franchises and it ended up being a massive waste of time. And I was so close to Kris Humphries murdering a paparazzo.  You all owe me a flesh light anyway.

*Monday night on Sportscenter (which Mike Golic hosts for some reason), Mike and Mike spent two minutes discussing whether or not Tim Tebow is the NFL MVP. And I here I thought that our Arrest Draft was a waste of time.

*Clones, can we please get a moratorium on Ide and Ape sharing health tips? I’ve seen these mountains of lemon parties up close countless times and they are not even remotely qualified to better your life. Maybe in the future, fellas, but for the rest of us slobs, we’ll be taking nutritional advice from the Dolph Lundgren’s and Glenn Danzig’s of the world. You know, the real beefcakes.

*I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this goddamn rain. Just turn to fucking snow already. I really, really want to get my snow blower out again. It is easily one of the ten greatest inventions of all time.

Whatever. That’s it. Occupy The Comments. Hopefully, Brady Hoke shows up again.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hail.

                                        No catchy slogan.  Just taste it.


After careful consideration (actually took me about 3 seconds) I decided to reward Ace for his verbal anal uppercutting of Drew leading up to the Michigan vs. Ohio game on Wednesday.  Well, that and probably because everything he has to say is exactly what I'll have to say.  What he left out/needed correcting, I added in parentheses.  Here's what Mark Wahlberg's number one fan was thinking after the game this past Saturday.

Good morning, Fuckeye fucktards.  It is your former captain speaking, Mr. Ace (Ape).  And let me just say, IT'S GREAT TO BE A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE!  I don't think there is any point in talking about The Game.  We all saw what happened.  The better team won.  But I would like to focus on a couple (bitter and childish) reactions from the Fuckeye faithful.

Damman (Urban Meyer's personal blow up doll, ready and willing to be fucked in all holes on film):  "A note to all Michigan fans:  Ohio State will be back and better than ever once Urban (Like Madonna or Seal...he only has one name now) gets up and running so don't get too cocky with your one win in eight tries (We don't count the BitchRod era the same way you don't count anything from before 1918).  All you've done is wake up an entitled fan base that was nearly feeling sorry for how far you'd fallen (The fuck you were.  More like savoring every moment you dick sniffing shit sucker).  So, congrats on having a lead for the first time in four years and for finally defending you home field for the first time in the last five tries (see above, Era: BitchRod).  We look forward to you visit next November."

Damman (covered in semen):  "Congrats Michigan, you beat a 6-5 team (that was picked unanimously by ALL fans to finish in the top 10)."

Lil Poopson (apparent literary wizard):  "If Braxton (Tate Forcier) could make throws in stride!  If you think change is coming Michigan your dumb (used "your" wrong when referring to dumb Michigan fans.  Very credible accusation).  365 days until the streak begins again."

Lil Poopson (puts down application to Head Start and bandages knuckles) :  "Talk is cheap see ya at the shoe next year!!!  N we won't be starving, just looking for desert (?? Desert?  To bury the hookers in your crawl space?)."

I responded to Lil Poopson's last comment with, "Talk IS cheap...40-34."  Dagger.

Worst fanbase in the fucking world.  Everything that I said Wednesday still applies today.  How many games until Urban Meyer has a heart attack/cheats on his wife (gets caught naked Skyping with Dut) and is forced to quit?  Seven?  I'm glad Urban Meyer took this job.  When Michigan runs through Columbus (with BitchRod's recruits) on the way to the Rose Bowl next year it will make it that much sweeter.  No more fucking excuses (but we'll hear them anyway because Ohio fans love listening to themselves bitch more than they love beating up women).  Urban Meyer is Jesus Fucking Christ, right?  Nothing but undefeated seasons and unicorn gang bangs in Columbus from now on.  Let the delusions of grandeur begin (continue).

But I have just one question for Urban Meyer and the Fuckeye Fucktards; WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN HOKE-A-MANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?  Now excuse me while I plan my trip to New Orleans.

Thank you Ace.  Well said, as always.  But you left out that Brady Hoke's 2012 recruiting class currently ranks #1 in all of college football.  So there's that.  Now that we have that out of the way let's talk about this weekend's conference title games...well the ones that matter anyway...while Drew puts everything in his life on hold to go look up things that were said in comment sections 4 years ago.

ACC - I wonder if I jumped off Beamer's neck I would soar 50 feet in the air like in the movie Flubber.  I bet I would...or can it pick up ink from newspapers like silly putty?  One or the other has to be correct.  Rematch game for Beamer and the Fighting Fake Necks, here.  Clemson comes in losing 3 of their last 4 including a horrible loss to NC State.  In a stat I just made up for this paragraph, Beamer is 24-1 when facing a team a second time in the same season that he lost to the first time.  Based on this completely false information I'm taking Va. Tech to beat Clemson in this one.

Fake Necks 27  Clemson 13

Big 10 (12) - Another revenge game and another chance for Kirk Cousins to show the world how a dickless, no talent, fucking girl throws.  My first prediction is Colon Cowturd has a Kirk Cousins thong that he smells every night before bed.  My second prediction is that William Gholston tries to dig out someones intestines with his bare hands.  Wisconsin had chances to win this game the first time around but blew it in magnificent fashion.  Also, Michigan needs Sparty to win this game to have a shot at a BCS game so naturally Wisconsin will do what they couldn't seem to do the first time around....which is win.

Wisconsin 24  Michigan State 17

Pac-12 - What a fuckin weird conference title game.  USC can't play in it because OJ Mayo and Reggie Bush both bombed a school full of children then raped the charred remains...or something like that.  But secretly, I think it's to support the NCAA's anit-dick lovers campaign.  Sorry Matt Barkley.  Go promote your boner pop-up book elsewhere.  THEN we have the #4 ranked team in the country that won't be playing in it because their only loss is to the team that IS playing in it...Oregon.  So that leaves us with UCLA putting on a clinic against the #9 Ducks on how to get beat by a hundred and fifty.  And Chip once again shows us that just because your last name is Kelly, doesn't mean you have to act like a sociopath going through hard narcotics withdrawal.

Oregon 49  UCLA 3

SEC - After a couple deflating losses to start the season, Georgia has come roaring back and earned the right to get butthole caved by LSU.  You'll be able to hear the skin rip from across the country.  Think about this Georgia fans...Mark Richt will be keeping his job for at least 3 more years because of this year.  I would be punching myself in the balls until I passed out right about now if I were a Bulldog fan.  This LSU team might be the best overall team we've ever seen and will not be losing this year.  But on the flip side, Les Miles is an NCAA scandal waiting to happen and I wouldn't be surprised if we found out some raunchy shit about him in the next few years.  Like he makes 70 year old women crap in his mouth.  LSU rolls and Corso says "fuck it" again on national television.

LSU 38  Georgia 10

Once again, a special thank you to Grape Ape for taking 3 minutes out of his day to contribute.  You can go back to your scat porn now.  I'm sure all you Fuckeye fans loved it.  On another positive note, Define Rape claimed another victim (pending the best game of Brandon Jacobs career) this past weekend and gave Ide's team nuclear AIDS.  Your may not win another game after me.  My stench is that powerful.  I ruin fuckers...like Drew's breath.  Alright faggots, that's all from me.  I would start a count of how many days it's been since Ohio last beat Michigan but I'm not a superhero homosexual like Fuckeye fans are.  Eat shit.

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Worst Of Week Twelve Vol.V

Borderline acceptable but I'll allow it.
No witty openings this week because I need to get something off of my chest first...Yousodumbakong Suh is the biggest bag of dicks in the NFL.  I know that Drew and other Lions fans will try to anyway, but how can you possibly defend this guy?  It is now officially clear as day that he is the dirtiest player in the game (like Ric Flair!).  But Suh is also a hypocrite and a dumbass, too.  So he went out of his way to send himself to the principal's office a few weeks ago to find out why he kept getting fined.  OK, whatever, that was stupid.  Yet I'm fairly certain that Ginger Goodell didn't say that it was OK to go all Fat Albert Haynesworth on the dude blocking him.  It's pretty obvious to me that Suh can't control himself on the field.

And please, bitch, don't you fucking dare tell the world that you were trying to brace your fall or some shit.  NO ONE is buying that.  We're you falling down while you kept trying to imbued a Packer's face into the turf multiple times?  Or when you were attempting to perform an appendectomy on that same guy with your shoes (a bold strategy indeed)?  Look, you're a smart guy.  You sound really intelligent in all of your interviews.  But the reality is that Ndamukong Suh is a cheap-shotting twat.  Period.  I'm getting sick and fucking tired of hearing announcers talk about how the Lions are trying to show the world that they won't be bullied anymore or some other braindead horse manure.  No, they just aren't a smart team.  They are just a bunch of faux-bullies that don't know how to intimidate within the guidelines of the rule book (like say the Steelers and Ravens do).  Thursday was supposed to be a coming-out party for the Lions and instead they came across as even more embarrassing than the team that finished 0-16.

Albert Haynesworth got 5 games off for stomping on the neck of Andre Gurode.  I hope that Suh gets the same punishment.  A guy that is compared to Reggie White shouldn't have to resort to such cunty behavior.  And I am absolutely not overreacting to this.  On to the rest of the week:

Matthew Stafford - Ironically, I didn't get any stupid text messages from Drew on Thursday.  I guess the gloves weren't magical after all.  Eat a dick.  Although I will admit that I was not aware of his broken finger (shocked that he didn't put himself on IR over that non-injury).  So I'll give Bubba a bit of a pass but not those that defend him.

Kevin Smith - That was an awesome 5 quarter comeback before he did what he does best...getting hurt while doing nothing.  Speaking of Kevin Smiths, Dogma was a shit movie.

Rob Ryan - We get it, he's some sort of weirdo photogenic disgusting man-blob.  But he is a defensive coordinator.  STOP SHOWING HIM ON TV.

Dallas? - I swear to Christ that this is a bad team that is skating by on dumb luck.  Needing a FG at the gun to beat Matt Moore?  Two wins over the Skins by a total of 5 points?  I haven't made a wager yet this year but when the Cowboys win the East and host a playoff game on Wild Card weekend, I will be dumping my life savings (42 bucks!) on whoever the Cowboys play.

Harbaugh Bowl - I didn't watch any of this because FagNasty doesn't get the NFL Network.  Doesn't look like I missed much unless I'm somehow related to Billy Cundiff (which I am not).  Ray Lewis:  still gay.

The University of Akron - Prepare yourselves because this is pretty awful.  Akron fired head football coach Rob Ianello on Saturday over the phone...while Ianello was driving to this mother's funeral.  That is totes weak sauce.

Bengals Fans - Come the fuck on...what's it going to take to get you people into that stadium.  I know that Mike Brown and family are greedy fuckers, but that isn't Marvin or Ginger or AJ's fault.  Embarrassing to see that many empty seats.

Peyton Hillis - Welcome back, cracker-ass bitch.  You're still worthless.

Phil Dawson - You blow.  Go eat your boogers.

Michael Turner - I say this all the time but "Burner" might as well change his last name to Molina.  He's by far the slowest player in the league.  I'd bet that Haynesworth could beat him in a race.

Tampa Bay and Tennessee - Just an awful, awful game.

Commenter Papa Lange - That genius dumped Reggie Wayne in both the DFL and MSFL this past week.  Who picked him up in both and watched him be ELITE yesterday...THIS GUY.  You suck, Pops!

Steve Smiff and Cam Juice - Where did you go?  Oh, you mean I might just have been 100% right when I said that they would taper off?  Thought so.

Beanie Wells' Family - I mean, seriously, WHO DRINKS SODA?  I wish that someone would call Cowherd out for that, I don't care if he did say it 3+ years ago.

Stevie Johnson's hands but NOT his touchdown dance - So what if he lost yet another game because he dropped a touchdown in the final minute, did you see that celebration!!!  I loved it!  He'll probably get a hefty fine for mock shooting himself in the leg and that's bullshit.  Since when was it wrong to make fun of a guy that shot himself?  FINGA GUNZ!!!

Matt Leinart - That was one glorious quarter and a half of his comeback, wasn't it?  Jesus, I'm starting to feel bad for the Texans.  TJ Yates and Kellen Clemens?  You know what they should do is just have Ben Tate and Foster run the wildcat for half the game.

Terry Bradshaw - I watch the Fox pregame show (because I like to feel smart) and EVERY week, when they do their picks, ol' TB never remembers who he picked to win.  This will never stop be amusing to me.  He only has to pick FOUR winners and he is so inbred that he can't.  Hilarious.

Graham Gano - Still the worst kicker of all time.  Fortunately, he has a Cannon fueled by Sex on his team.  Stupid Redskins winning meaningless games...

DREAM TEAM!!! - They are 4-7 now.  Mr. Ace is terrible at rooting for good professional football teams.

Everyone but Janikowski and Gould - I still think that both the Raiders and Bears are good teams.  Cutler be damned.  It would be nice if DMac took the stitches out of his gash though.

Marmalard - How the fuck can the Chargers be 4-7?  This just in:  TEBOW RULES!

My In-Laws - Remember what happened a week and a half ago?  Sure you do.  Guess who made the drive back North yesterday?  Yep.  Guess who got into town at 7 last night and asked us to go out to dinner with them even though we JUST ate?  Yep.  Guess who asked during dinner (while I'm just sitting there watching them eat) if they could stay the night?  Yep and my reply was a Tim Allen-esque grunt.  Guess who stayed the night last night for the 4th time in 11 days while they live a short 2.25 hours away?  Yep.  Guess who would have been home by 10:30 last night if they just decided to STOP BOTHERING ME?  Goddamn right.  I'm sick of this.  The wife is avoiding me because she knows that I'm ready to blow.  This is so fucking frustrating.  I can't believe that normal people would behave this way.  It sort of ruins the fact that I have wrapped up my division in the DFL and MSFL.  Family sucks.

To wrap things up this week, yesterday was 4 years since Sean Taylor was murdered by a bunch of beaners in his own home.  21 will always be one of my favorite football players ever.  Play on, playa.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Best Damn Rivalry in Sports...in America

(Apparently Drew needs props)

"Listen fucksticks, I have been saying this for several years about Michigan football, and football in general: I don't care nearly as much. I didn't go to Michigan, I have no stock in the program. I don't like the idea of rooting for or against 18-20 year olds who are playing a game...unless they are named Tyrone Pryor. I just don't care as much."

Words said by Ape on 11/24/10 in the comments section


Ahh...today I get to talk about The Game with Ape. This doesn't really make sense though, because like Ape said in the above quoted post a year ago...he doesn't really care about Michigan football. Which if you take a look at the picture from just a few weeks ago when Michigan hosted Purdue with a 6-1 record and top 20 team three minutes before kickoff...their fans don't care either.

THIS is my problem with Michigan "fans". After Ape's pussy rant about not caring last year, I proceeded to explain to him just how much I cared about The Game and he said, "It's honestly scary how insane you are". Well, Ape it's honestly scary how big of a pussy you and the rest of your so-called Michigan "fans" are.

I was born in Michigan and lived there for 18 years. My parents went to OSU and my Grand-parents went to OSU. My child-hood was spent wearing OSU clothes to school every Friday in the Fall and living with the disaster and shame that a John Cooper led team gave me every year except twice. I remember running around my house laughing my ass off when Kordell Stewart's gay ass dropped the bomb in the Big House. I LOVED to see Michigan lose...and I still do as I felt the same glee that I did when I was kid when Appalachian State (still wear my t-shirt proudly) blocked that field goal to beat Mike Hart and Company.

This Saturday is my favorite day of the year. I won't be able to sleep much Friday night...I'll be a ball of nervous energy through the morning and the game...and after it I'll either be as happy as I can be or I'll be sitting and not talking to anyone while drinking myself to bed. That my friend is why The Game matters as no other game yearly can bring out those emotions. Unfortunately, you and many of your other friends after the losses instead of being depressed just flip the page and talk about how the Buckeyes tattoos made them that much faster and better. In short.....you and Iceman can go fuck yourselves and play an intense battle of Tummy Sticks.

PREDICTION: We may suck..but we aren't gonna suck this week. Get ready to bend over, spread em and take that big ole Buckeye dick that you've taken 7 years in a row. Braxton and Boom go wild. BUCKEYES WIN 24-21

Wow, now take a break and go wipe all the gay off after that touching story. I'm pretty sure John Cooper raped your soul both figuratively and literally.

I'm not going to bore the readers with some personal story because it's not necessary. I don't need to validate my fanhood like every Fuckeye fucktard feels a compulsive desire to do. I stand by my statement that I don't care as much as I used to. Sure, I care. I get excited for the game. I get angry when Michigan fucks up something, especially the coaches. But I don't go around breaking shit because some 19 year old missed a field goal. Drew is 37 years old and lives and dies with every snap that an 18-21 year old Fuckeye takes. THAT'S FUCKING SCARY! He is the reason that professional athletes walk around with bodyguards and the reason why student-athletes need them. This guy buys chloroform in bulk.

So why do I hate Ohio State? Because Joe Germaine is a ginger. Because they jump in a Piss Lake to get "pumped up" for The Game. Because Jim Tressel is a cheating, slimy fuckhole and everybody outside Central Ohio knows it. Because Fine Line Ink is the athletic departments main sponsor. Because Ray Small told me, "Everybody was doing it." Because E Gordon Gee is a fucking cartoon corpse and didn't get fired by Jim Tressel. Because Gene Smiff has the IQ of a corn kernel in my Chipotle diarrhea. Because commenter Daniel has multiple Big Ten Championship rings, but got as much college PT as I did.

I hate the Fuckeyes because I know Kirk Herbstreit has a sex tape with Erin Andrews and refuses to release it to the public. That's just fucking selfish. I hate the Fuckeyes because Craig Krenzel won a National Title and parlayed his molecular genetics degree into a sweet gig as a used car salesman. I hate the Fuckeyes because Adolphus Washington committed to the Fuckeyes yesterday because of academics, "...there is no way you can fail. Even if you’re giving minimal effort there is no way you can fail." I hate the Fuckeyes because I honestly believe Maurice Clarrett is the best human being associated with the 2002 championship team. Maurice Clarrett spent one year as a Fuckeye and became a sociopath. He spent four years in jail and became intelligent. Jail > Fuckeyes.

But most importantly, I hate the Fuckeyes because 99% of the Fuckeye fans are abhorrent, detestable, and heinous human beings. They deserve nothing but the worst in life. I haven't met a single one without some obvious character flaw. They are the juicehead UFC fans of college football. Just complete neanderthal fucking morons. Go poop in a fucking cooler.

Prediction. Brady Hoke is fucking GOD. Michigan rolls 31-13.
Can't wait for this to happen Saturday:

And yes, that is 9+ minutes of Tshimanga Biakabutuka.

Ray Small is still a first round draft pick, right?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Arizona Did WHAT???

                               "Ooooooo.  That fart was totes wet."


First...fuck that guy ^.  Second, here's something I will never understand and completely irrelevant to college football.  Why some drunk people will go to impossible lengths to sleep in their own bed when perfectly acceptable sleeping quarters are made available.  I'll set the scene for you.  Me, my lady and my buddy are at my house at 3AM after countless beers/shots and post Taco Bell gorging.  After charging through 5 Doritos Locos tacos and a beefy 5-layer burrito I'm pretty ashamed of myself at this point so I decide step outside to choke down one last cig before bed.  Go for broke, right?

So.  I come back in from my cancer dance and my buddy is nowhere to be found.  I'm tapping out and walk into the bedroom to sleep where ever my autopilot body lands and my woman asks me why I went out the front door to smoke.  At that moment I realize what just went down.  Full blown prison break.  Now, my buddy is cut from a different cloth.  He's a good guy but gets pretty weird when he's blown out drunk.  It's hard to explain but I'm sure everyone has those friends and sort of knows what I'm talking about.  And if you say you don't, then you're that friend.  So my friend...who had been drinking non stop since noon...decides a bed in my house by himself at 3AM is not making the grade and proceeds to walk home.  Normally this wouldn't be a problem...unless you live 6 miles away from where you're currently at.  That's right.  He walked from Central and McCord to Airport Highway and Holland-Sylvania, by himself, drunk as fuck, at 3AM.  Anyone not familiar with the area, just put it in MapQuest to see how fucking stupid that was.  Let's see who else did really dumb shit this past weekend.

Losers

Oklahoma State - Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Season over, queers.  Look at you, Iowa State.  Dick swingin giant killers.  Let's get a round of pussy for those lovable bunch of future K-Mart managers.  In Obesity State's defense, they were mourning the loss of some basketball coaches that died in a plane wreck only a day before this game happened.  So in honor of Kurt Budke and Miranda Serna, we'll momentarily pretend that women's basketball is a real sport.  And you think The Iceman doesn't have heart.  Nonsense.

Clemson - Ahhhhhhh.  The sweet stench of rotting failure.  Never trust the ACC.  Taj Boyd showed us that he's not quite there yet and the rest of the team showed us they're fucking terrible.  I'm sure Marmalard Rivers broke the record for most white guy fist pumps completed in one minute after he saw the final score of this game.  Then in another act of celebration...murdered his neighbor's dog.  This has nothing to do with this game, but I just cannot get enough of this picture.  FakeNeck Beamer jiggles his titty chin in approval of this loss.

Arizona - I know the entire state cares more about things like stealing land from Native Americans, cacti and not dying from heat stroke than they do about football, but come on!  DickRod as your coach?  Did you learn nothing from Michigan?  I guess it doesn't matter that much since there aren't actually any real Arizona Wildcat fans out there...unless you count Luke Walton.  He seems gay enough to still keep up with Arizona sports.  My advice is that if there are any actual Wildcat fans out there that matter, they should cut out the buttholes in all of their jeans to make it easier.  You can fight it all you want but the scabby midget dick of Rich Rodriguez will penetrate your anus at some point.

Georgia fans - Mark Richt is keeping his job.  You can get the noose back out now.  That is all.

Oregon - What the fuck! You fuckin handle Stanford, look almost like a National Title contender, start creeping back into the conversation, then lose to boner lover Matt Barkley. I'm sure G$ spermed the inside of his boxer shorts watching The Erection King work Oregon's shaft on Saturday. The Pac-12 is fuckin terrible. They reek of egg farts and spoiled oatmeal. If you want to know exactly what that smells like, you just need to catch a whiff of Damman's last sexual partner. She has the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Dave Grohl.

Winners

Baylor - RG3 is a God damn stud.  This is why the Heisman is stupid.  Insane stats, Big-12 schedule, plays for a ranked team and not a single mention of the Heisman.  Why should RG3 be penalized because the rest of Baylor sucks?  I'm not saying he should win it, but I definitely think he deserves an invite.  His stats are just as good as the other QBs getting fluffed every 12 seconds.  I digress...but let's put our hands together for not one, but TWO Oklafatass schools sucking the hairy under tit of the upset.  Hooray, Baylor.  Now when people talk about the Bears they don't have to talk about basketball players murdering each other and Bill Brasky playing center for the women's team.  Strike that last comment from the record.  We've pretended long enough to care about women's basketball.

Ark-Kansas - They actually control their own destiny to play in the title game.  Wonderful.  The only question is how many more jokes can I make about racism, pedophilia, incest and poverty?  Jesus, this is fucking exhausting.  Razorback...even the team name sounds like a hillbilly rape move.  "Got that skank smoked on Drain-O bombs last night and gave her the razorback on my rape rack.  Once I realized she wasn't dead, I lost my boner so I had to finish up with my sister.  Took her and the pet goat to get me hard again.  Don't worry...I kept the blood."  Fuck...that was even a little too raunchy for me.  More than anything I'm stunned the community allows black guys on the team.  After football games the downtown scene HAS to be like Remember The Titans, right?

Lee Corso - This is the day we've been waiting for.  The day Lee Corso finally loses it completely.  I was hoping for something more along the lines of publicly shitting or pissing himself like a newborn, or getting completely nude during the middle of a broadcast while swinging a pillowcase full of dog shit at Chris Fowler...but a good ol' fashioned home cooked "fuck" will do just fine.  I can think of nothing more majestic than Corso shouting "Fuck It!" on national television.  Not even a bald eagle wearing a head band ripping off thousands of M-16 rounds would be more American.  I would even argue Joey Chestnut hoarking down 65 hotdogs in 12 minutes isn't even in the same stratosphere.  Lee Corso is my new Captain America.  From now on, Corso should wear a thong cut from the cloth of the American flag.

We're closing in on the end of the college football season, my friends.  Unfortunately with the end of college football comes the beginning of the holiday season.  And with the holiday season comes one of the most fucking annoying things ever.  The Salvation Army bell ringer standing outside every grocery store.  Got to experience that shit this evening while leaving Kroger.  What a pleasant fucking surprise that was...RING RING RING RING RING RING RING!  SON OF A BITCH!!!  Put that God damn bell away before I make you fucking eat it.  Yes, I see you.  You are a giant man standing next to an even more giant red thing full of money.  And you're there every fucking year at the same time.  And you smell like Queen Latifah's dirty clothes hamper.  Give it a rest, jackass because as long as you're clamoring that bell you're getting shit from me.  Happy Lions getting gang raped by Packers day, everyone.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.V

This is not Champions Lane.
You know what's awesome?  Treating cops like shit.  They get to walk around all the time thinking that their badasses and holding guns and telling you to vote down Senate Bill 5, but every once in awhile, they need to be knocked down a peg.  The older that I get, the farther those days are from me.  But I was able to get a little taste of classic insubordination on campus Saturday afternoon.  If you "subscribe" to my Facebook feed, you already know this so deal with it.

Damman, Jeff Jess, and myself were walking back from CHAMPIONS LANE to The Stube.  We decided to cross the street since both sides of Champions were stopped and we saw a couple of port-o-shitters that needed to be pissed in.

Cop (who is just standing around with 8 other rent-a-cops doing nothing): HEY!  You're jaywalking!  Get over here, asshole!
G$ (completing a well-executed Frogger course):  COME GET ME, BITCH!

First of all, why is a cop calling someone an asshole for crossing a street?  Second, isn't it YOUR job to get me?  If I come to you, you wouldn't be doing your job.  Third, FUCK YOU, GUY.  None of those stupid pigs came after us.  I should have voted yes on Issue 2.  Less cops, please.  They clearly aren't doing their goddamn jobs.  But that being said, I felt great after that brief exchange and flee.  It reminded me of how awesome I used to be (and still can be when properly motivated with beer and free Monster energy drinks).  Anyway, on to week 11's poop:

Rex Ryan - I wonder if he's on the hot seat at all?  The internet loves him (rightfully so) but he has hitched his fatwagon to a terrible QB (that Cowherd will defend until the bitter end).  Someone is going to have to take the fall here for the Jets shitty season.  I hope it's not Rex.

Tim Tebow? - Everyone seems to be on one side of the fence here.  You're either "He sucks" or "He just wins".  I'm in the latter.  He is fucking brutal to watch but if for some reason that game is still close going into the 4th, he's going to win.  You need to do what the Lions did and kill them early.  One thing I noticed, ALL of his teammates fucking love the guy.  I do, too.  4-1, faggots.  Haters going to Hell.

Ray Lewis - HAHAHAHA what a little cunt-hair!  Poor wittle murderer got an owie on his toe?  HOW WILL HE DANCE LIKE A CONVICT GETTING OUT OF PRISON NOW?  Get fucked.


Ravens fans - Next time that Baltimore is on and playing at home (like say Thursday night), look at the crowd and find one non-faggot in the stands.  I bet you can't do it.  It's like finding a non-tard at a Steelers game.

Minnesota Vikings - I was asking the dog this yesterday when the RedZone went to the OAK/MIN game: is there a more irrelevant franchise than the Vikings?  I feel like they're the Houston Astros of football.  No one cares either way about the Vikes.  And Adrian Peterson got hurt which makes them even more worthless.

The guy who OK'ed 59 million for Ryan Fitzpatrick - First things first, get rid of the beard already, Harvard-o.  That clearly isn't working any magic.  You see, here's the other part.  Fitz CLEARLY looks like he always has now and isn't a franchise QB like he fooled Ralph Wilson into believing for 6 weeks.  But now, with all sorts of sick QBs available in the Draft, they can't take one!  Awful.  The Bills are going to end up cutting that guy within the next 3 years.

Dolphins sick? - Also amusing that Matt Moore is ensuring himself of a job next year!  He's fucking Marc Anthony out of a real QB with every pointless win!  Hey bitch, the Skins just passed you!!!

AJ Hawk - Because I want to blame someone for allowing LeGarrette Blount to go all BEAST MODE on the run of the year.  The Packers defense sort of sucks balls.  Whatever, they're 10-0 (soon to be 11-0).

Cam Newton - And the slide continues...at least he has a pretty smile.

Commenter Drew - OK, I'm going to give him a break because I think he was drunk as shit at the time, but you should have seen the texts that I got from him after an underwhelming Lions home win over one of the 5 worst teams in the league.  He was doing his normal "you so dumb fo real" shit because I questioned Fat Stafford's glove usage last week when he launched a metric ton of interceptions to the Bears.  Apparently, drunk Drew likes to do what all idiots do and overreacts to the last thing that you just saw.  Yes, Fat played well after two terrible picks.  It was against a horrible defense at home.  He still shouldn't be wearing gloves though.  It doesn't negate the rotten turd that he laid on Soldier Field last week.  CALM DOWN.  Let's see what he's got cooking on Thursday before we start sizing his sausage gloved fingers for a SB ring.

Blaine Gabbert - I couldn't be more happy that the Redskins didn't draft this loser.  He has no accuracy and couldn't even beat the Browns.  The Browns fucking blow by the way.  Never forget that.

Phil Dawson - Good job complaining about a field goal that you CLEARLY missed.  He still eats his own (and other people's) boogers.  I am sure of this.

Graham GaNOT - You Browns and Lions and Bears fans don't understand what it's like to have decades worth of brutal kickers.  The last Redskins kicker that I had any confidence in was Chip Lohmiller in the early 90's.  That's not good.  And this faggot missed two field goals that would have beat the Cowboys.  I hope someone burns down his house.

Rob Ryan - I like the guy but he is SO DISGUSTING.  There is no way that he's showered since 2004.  His defense gave up a rushing touchdown to Rex Grossman and a receiving TD to Donte Stallworth.  In 2011.  The Redskins are shit.

My man-crush for 2012 - It's settled and is becoming a strong possibility.  I want Matt Barkley.  I want him in DC more than I want Kyle Shanahan to be stripped of his play-calling duties.  The way that the Skins are playing, I think they get the 3rd or 4th pick and my dream becomes a reality.


All of the late games - Just terrible.  Jake Locker looked pretty good though.  The Chargers are done.  That was a bad slate of late games.

Andy Reid - I'm writing this before the Sunday Night game and I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume that he loses at least one challenge that he should have never challenged.  The odds are in my favor.

I think that that's going to do it for me this week.  You've got Iceman tomorrow and (hopefully) a special collaborative effort by Drew and Mr. Ace as a preview for the OSU/Michigan game coming Wednesday.  Yes, Mr. Ace is cumming back after he gets done sharing his testimony to Syracuse police about past rapings.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Coach K Can Eat Shit and the Rest of My CBB Preview

Gross.
To round out this week (which was highly entertaining I must say), let’s get a tiny college basketball preview/prediction piece together. For most of you, there are big expectations in 2011-12 as OSU, UK, UNC, and Michigan should all have great (or better than usual for Bielein's sake) seasons barring injury. Thus, you should all be pumped up. I’m going to do my best here to drop knowledge bombs on you but I make no promises. All I know is that Anthony Davis goes to UK (but definitely not classes), is likely the #1 pick in the NBA Draft apparently, and does not own a mirror. He looks like a goddamn McPoyle! I get how guys could think that growing a ‘stache or mutton chops is hilarious, but a unibrow? No. No non-whore is banging a unibrow even if that brow is going pro.

Before we get going, this needs to be said. Fuck Mike Krzyzewski. As George Carlin used to say, “Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick”. You would think that a coach breaking the all time win record would be inspiring and touching and some other gay cliché. But it wasn’t anything. It wasn’t anything when Bob Knight broke it years earlier. Why? Pretty easy actually, all basketball coaches that have been around for awhile are old assholes. And nobody likes an old asshole except for OTHER old assholes like Vitale and Digger. I’m not going to throw out some blanket generalization that coaching at a high level is easy, but when you can get a steady stream of McDonald’s All-Americans constantly walking through your doors, it ain’t exactly bench-pressing Mizark Henry either.

Seriously, Coach K does very little anymore. He has surrounded himself with sick talent and smart assistants and a rapey lacrosse team…that is all he needs. I like Jay Bilas a lot because he’s self-aware, smart, and not afraid to poke fun at himself but I wanted to scalp him on Tuesday night. It’s amazing how a Dukie is soooooo smart but has no idea why the world hates them. It was because of nights like that where you all patted yourself on the back without realizing that no one cares. NO ONE CARES ABOUT WIN #903. But there you were, hijacking the Worldwide Leader for a week.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest and was able to incorporate a reference to The World’s Strongest Man. On with the preview/predictions:

Remember This Name: Mitch McGary, not yet at Michigan. Don’t worry. For the next 12 months, he’s all that Michigan fans will want to talk about anyway. I don’t care where he’s ranked by who, no one named Mitch is good at anything except being a TV lifeguard and drunkenly eating hamburgers off the floor. Also, John Henson is pretty sick for the Heels. He does everything well...really like that kid in a non-Sandusky way.

Most Overrated Team - #7 Vanderbilt. They already proved this ranking obsolete by getting crushed at home via Cleveland State minus Norris Cole’s bad ass flat top. I don’t even know why an SEC team south of Harlan County would be ranked. They clearly don’t care about the sport outside of Big Blue U and Billy Donovan’s Widow’s Peak. Back to Vandy though, they always suck and Kevin Stallings has the most affluent "loser vibe" in the country.

Most Underrated Team - #14 Xavier. They will probably end up a 4 or 5 seed in the tournament and they’re pretty much a guarantee to make the Sweet 16. In fact, you could probably make an argument that over the last decade, the Musketeers are one of the 5 most consistent programs in the country. But they will lose tonight, dammit!!!

Most Overrated Player – Robbie Hummel, Purdue. I’ll say it: if he was black, no one would care. He would just be another tragic case of a guy not living up to his potential due to injury. The state of Indiana tends to turn average white basketball players into legends.

Cinderella – The MAC East. Ladies and gentlemen, look what former mid-major power appears to be awake again! Akron slaughtered Miss State down South already. Miami (projected 5th on our side) beat Dayton. Ohio U needed overtime to beat Lamar at home! And Kent State crushed Bob Huggins in Morgantown. The conference has been way down recently, but it looks like this could be a really solid year (for the East, the West is banana shits).

3 Bold Predictions:
1. The Big Ten only gets 4 teams into the tournament this year (5 tops but I’m calling 4 with OSU, Wisky, UM, and Sparty).
2. Digger Phelps will finally admit that he is not an “undertaker’s son”.
3. I will stop picking Notre Dame to do anything in the tournament (remember when I had them winning it all last year???).

The Naismith Award Goes To…Harrison Barnes, North Carolina. No diggity, no doubt. He struggled at the start last year but I think he’s ready to roll in year 2. I don’t know if he had motivation problems last year or what, but he looked totes different in the tournament. He should be a fucking Cav right now…goddamn lockout.

My Final Four in which I pick three top ten teams and then one team at random:
Ohio State – If they lose more than one game in the Big Ten this year (barring injuries to their big 3), Matta should be fired.
North Carolina – Did you watch The Carrier Classic (which was badass by the way)? They sick.
Kentucky – Although they won’t win because I want to keep saying the phrase, “Calipari has still never won a Final Four game”.
Marquette – Because I like a coach named Buzz

National Champion – Soulja Roy and the Tar Heels – Duh, this wasn’t that tough to figure out.

Well, how did I do? What I lack in actual knowledge I thought I made up for with Coach K hate. You know, there are a few other things that need mentioned before I end this. Zak Novak is still gay. Stu Douglass is the worst player in the country. Aaron Craft chokes on dick. White people are awful. I do not respect the scrappy white basketball player.  There that about does it. I’m on stay-cation all next week and the schedule for posts will look like this: NFL Monday, Iceman Tuesday, MR. ACE RETURNS Wednesday, and we are dark Thursday and Friday. Peace out, brah.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Day I Realized That No One Cares What I Think

I wish that Sinbad was coming over.
It’s been awhile since I’ve went on an angry rant regarding my personal life. That ends now. If there is one thing that I am sure of, it’s that when you see an e-mail from your wife that is titled “Don’t Be Mad”, that means that in less than a minute, you will be trying to eat Lennox Lewis’s children. Don’t tell me that I can’t be mad. I never agreed to be civil! I’m sure that you’re dying for some back story here.

Remember back in May when I wrote this post? You should re-read it anyway (because it’s hilarious) but the gist was that She$ was going back to her parents house for the weekend to visit yet, for some reason, they were coming to the ‘bus on Saturday and wanted to know if it was OK to stay with me. It most certainly was NOT OK with me but since I have no say and no one listens to my logical complaint, I shared the house that night with my in-laws while the wife got their house all to herself. This still makes zero sense to me.

So, her parents go down to Florida over Thanksgiving every year (for at least a week, maybe longer) and stay with the same people (their daughter and family) that allowed me to shoot a gun last month. It’s great because it means that I only have to endure one family Thanksgiving (unless you count Naptown Wolverine’s decade old annual Thanksgiving Night poker night…which I should now that I think about it). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-family time. It’s just that I bore easily and suck at small talk. Anyway, they are heading down to SoFla on Sunday but have tickets to the OSU/Interracial Butt Rapers game on Saturday. Fine, whatever, they’ll go to the boring ass game, stay with us on Saturday night, and be on their way early the next morning. If only it were that easy.

You see, She$’s family has developed a nasty little habit of telling us what they’re going to do as opposed to asking if it’s OK. But then again, that might not be fair. They could be treating the wife like a doormat and she just caves into their demands constantly. If they have a planned day-trip down for a Saturday, the day before I will be told that whoever is coming has decided to show up on Friday night instead which means two nights at Hotel G$. THIS IS NOT COOL. You live, at most, 2 hours and 15 minutes away. There is no excuse for a two night stay at my house. Ever. There's barely an excuse to stay over at all let alone for three fucking days!  I am not an entertainer.

Now that you know the backstory of her diabolical family’s treachery, let’s talk about this weekend. You know what, let me just copy and paste the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail from yesterday for you.

Got a call from my mother today and it is looking very strong that they will be joining us tomorrow night. According to her, they thought they could hang out with us Thursday night.
--What the fuck does that mean? “Hang out”? By the way, again, the only reasons they are coming down is because they have football tickets to a 3:30 game on Saturday which apparently requires an arrival time of 48 hours prior to kickoff and it's on their way to Palm Beach. GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Friday they will visit with their friends (names redacted) and then Friday night we are invited over to (two gay guys, not joking). Saturday she is trying to schedule maybe breakfast or lunch with (my old high school football coach).
--That sounds like the weekend from Hell if you ask me. STOP MAKING GODDAMN PLANS FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING.
I am making a deal with you…I will go with them Friday night and say that you have to go to the gym and need to take care of (the dog…not sure why I’m redacting his name though), but I don’t think I can come up with anything to get you out of the (my old HS football coach) meal if she schedules that.
--I’ll make a deal with you…here’s the number to Motel 6. I’m not doing any of that. Make what deal? I never agreed to meet at the negotiation table. I have to admit, I’m a little impressed that they are so receptive to the gay culture, but I’m not getting shoe-horned into a bunch of crap that I would never consider doing. That’s stupid. I’m 31 damn years old! By the way, I DO have to go to the gym tomorrow in order to get SWOLL.
I know you are mad, but suck it up I haven’t seen my parents for more than 2 hours since we were at the lake in late July and I won’t see them again until Christmas.
--Suck it up, huh? I’m not against a visit but I am TOTES against a lengthy visit that makes no sense at all and having an itinerary. My biggest gripe about this (and I have told her this numerous times) is that I always hear about how the family never sees each other but when they do get together, WE DO NOTHING. We just sit there! It’s maddening. My brain is mush at this point; I need to constantly be stimulated. These types of weekends will not do that.

I was planning on going to Hineygate on Saturday but this may throw a wrench into things (especially if my apparent lunch date with Jerry Sandusky runs long). You know what, fuck it. I don’t care. I’m going anyway. Someone has to go to campus and remind Penn State fans that they are Pa-tard-nos. Maybe I can hitch a ride to Champions Lane with my in-laws!

In conclusion, here was my reply to the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail:
I hate you. Can't wait to "hang out" tomorrow night...whatever that means. Hope they like Beavis and Butthead. Again, I hate you.

As all the stupid kids on the internet are saying these days “SMH” and “FML”. As I said earlier, I’m not against spending time with family but I am 100% against inept planning and nonsensical time-spending. Do I feel better getting my frustrations out onto the internet? Talk to me Friday night after a fruit tells me that I’ve got to try his salmon caviche. This weekend is going to suck cocks.  Never get married.

Much like Mike McQueary, my life is a snow globe (whatever the fuck that means).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft

HE'S MINE!
You all wanted this.  I am a man of the people (not really) so here it is.  Since it's all but a certainty that the stupid NBA players are going to take the year off like idiots, they have to occupy their time somehow.  We're all in agreement that at least 80% of these guys will spend some time in the back of a cop car.  The questions remain "Who" and "How" though.  That's where we come in to play.  The rules:

*You can draft a "team" of up to 4 players (your Fearsome Foursome)
*Round 1 will begin at 5:30 AM where you can draft your first rounder.  Round 2 begins at 11 AM.  Round 3 at 1 PM.  And Round 4 at 3 PM.  Eastern Time Zone, obvz.  No order, just show up and pick a criminal.
*Once someone is taken, they are gone for good.
*If you miss a round, don't worry.  You can double-pick if you miss a round.  If you show up at noon for the first time, go ahead and take two guys.
*After the first round, start listing your picks with your most recent selection so we can have some sort of order for who has been taken.
*Guys that were drafted this year (like Jon Diebler) are eligible.  Guys that retired (like Shaq) are not.
*Your team's "rap sheet" starts NOW and ends the day that the lockout ends.
*Arrests count...they don't have to be convictions.  They're all guilty anyway.
*It is YOUR responsibility to tally your own scores and to announce to the world (or at least the commenters) when one of your Foursome has been arrested.
*We can't have a contest like this without some casual racism.  If you own a white guy OR a foreigner who gets nailed, that is double points.  If you have a question on the ethnicity of a player, ask me and I will determine how their points will be weighed.
*Finally, we are not going to punish Prime for living in Sac-Town and thus not checking in until round 2.  So I am awarding him his hometown boy, DeMarcus Cousins, as the first pick in the NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft.  Prime, you are in no way permitted to entice DeMarcus into illegal activity.  Someone called that tampering yesterday and I agree.  Leave DeMarcus alone...LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

You're probably wondering how this is going to be scored (by the way, there is no cap for how many points can be earned per arrest...if a guy kills a cop while smoking crack and fucking a goat, well sir, you just won the universe).  Here is how points will be accrued:

Marijuana (1 point)  Everybody in the NBA smokes pot.
Brought in for questioning on anything (1 point)  Not an arrest but it means your man is doing something shady.
Drunk and Disorderly (2 points)
Trespassing or B&E (2 points)
Assault/Fighting (2 points)  IF the assault/fight occurred at a Strip Club, that's a 4 point play!
Tax Crime (3 points) It would be hilarious if these guys started getting nailed for tax evasion because they can't afford accountants anymore.
DUI (3 points)
Restraining Order/Owes Months of Alimony (3 points) Pretty much a guarantee even when they're playing.
Domestic Violence (3 points)
Resisting Arrest (4 points) This is how you double dip in the point pool!
Sex Crime (5 points) Rape...pretty much rape.
Gun Charges (5 points) Also a guarantee.
Assaulting A Cop (5 points)
International Incident (6 points) Some of these guys will go overseas.  Make sure you stay on top of your roster's wheelings and dealings!
Armed Robbery/Theft (7 points)
Animal Crimes (7 points) If someone has the balls to go the Vick route, good God.
Hardcore Drug Arrest (8 points) Crack, coke, heroin, Oxy...they all count.  HGH and roids do not.
Girl Pedophilia (9 points)
Murder or Manslaughter (10 points) If you kill someone or are a person of interest, that's 10 big points for you.  And yes, "Attempted" counts!
Deportation (15 points) Might be a nice handcuff with International Incident
Boy Pedophilia (Don't worry, you just won) If you can pick a player that likes to fuck little kids then you are probably a pederast yourself.

It's that easy.  The winner of this (and again, YOU keep track of your own team's shit) will get a Money Shot Prize Pack.  PAY ATTENTION!!!  If you are the first team to reach 32 points (and that's not going to be easy), everyone participating in this contest will pitch in and BUY YOU A FLESH LIGHT.  Repeat-draft 4 awesome deviants that average 8 points each and you will be beating off like the King of England! 

As I mentioned at the beginning, Prime opened the Draft up by drafting DeMarcus Cousins.  And since I'm such a nice guy, I will be picking next.  You better believe I'm going after the double points, too.

Team G$ selects: Chris "Birdman" Andersen.  Look at all those tats (notice the $ behind his ear which has to be a sign from God)!  He was once suspended for almost two years for HARDCORE drugs.  He is trying to pitch a reality show where he and his friends go hunting (seriously).  Guns?  Meth?  Animal Crime?  Murder?  WELCOME TO THE TEAM, BIRDMAN!!!

Let's have fun with this today.  And we're off...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Seabass Says Make It Four Boilermakers!

                                                       "Roll Tide."




Welcome back to another winners/losers edition at this sanctuary of sporting bliss.  Before we start...Breaking news:  Matt Schaub is out for the year which means this guy holds Houston's playoff hopes in his greasy, stink palm moving forward.  Prepare yourself for a lot of this.  And this.  Now...let's all watch in complete euphoria as Matt Leinart rips the heart out of Texan fans everywhere and finally accomplishes something that's been in the works for years.  Getting Gary Kubiak fired.  Since we're talking about Leinart, king of the losers, I can't think of a more fitting place to start...

Losers

Drew - I think we can all agree that Captain Loudmouth got what he deserved this past weekend.  As you all know, while Drew was deeply submerged in his reoccurring fantasy of licking bacon grease off Matt Stafford's jelly tits, OSU was getting fuckin worked by Purdue.  Here's where Buckeye fans use a whole lot of "if it weren't for this" and "they're lucky we didn't do this" and other useless excuses.  Nobody cares and it doesn't matter.  You lost because your coach is terrible.  And you let Robert Marve beat you which is more humiliating than getting caught running your fingers through Rosie O'Donnel's chest hair.  You lost to an albino/burn victim hybrid who couldn't cut it at a second rate ACC program.  Bad weekend for Drew, GREAT weekend for the rest of The Money Shot.

Penn State Fans - Delusion at its finest, people.  This is the closest thing I have ever seen to a religious cult.  The insane cults where people die/get hurt /force 13 year old boys girls to marry Jerry Sandusky 50 year old men.  The same cults that build walls up around the community to keep the insanity trapped in so the people living there have no choice but to inhale the horror.  I compare it to a body crippling fart that could potentially fry nerve endings that was let loose inside a greenhouse locked from the outside.  Fight it all you want, but once you're in, there is no escape.  Paterno helped cover up a child rape to protect the future of a football program, you fuckin kooks!  Why would you ever want someone with such a distorted moral fiber to keep their job?!  What if it were your kid getting hollowed out by Sandusky?  I bet you would have wanted Gargamel Paterno to do more, then.  Any Penn Stater saying Poopy Pants should have kept his job needs their fuckin head checked.

Boise State - Fuck you and congratulations.  You just set back mid-majors 20 years.  Laces out, Dan! Holy lightsaber cocksuckin blues!  My pristine research ability tells me that kid's name really is Dan!  Well, it used to be.  Now it's probably something like "Afterbirth" or "Fetus Fucker".  That makes this so much better.  This worthless turd nugget should be hearing "Laces Out" so many times in the next 3 years his anus will hemorrhage.  I hope someone YouTube's it.  Hey Dan...I bet when you decided to kick for Boise State you never thought you would single handily destroy all hopes at the first mid-major National Championship bid EVER, did you?  If I were on that team, I would pepper spray the inside of that choad's dick hole.

Stanford - Way to show up, faggots.  I stayed up for that??  My favorite part of that game was seeing the sparkle in the eye of Kirk Fourthstring and hearing the lustful desire in his voice while talking all things Andrew "I need my tonsils removed" Luck.  My God...just ask him to wear your Varsity jacket and get it over with, Kirk.  I'm sure if you ask nicely, Andrew will be more than willing to let you tickle his naked buttcheeks with a down feather.  The absolute best moment was after a late backbreaking pick 6 from Luck that fuckin rocketed off the frying pans of some Freshman.  Herbs wouldn't shut his toilet about how impressed he was with Luck's reaction after Oregon was done cabbage patching in the end zone.  What was he supposed to do?  Go full blown Ryan Leaf on the Freshman fuck responsible and start flipping Gatorade tables over?  Put him in the Steiner Recliner until the pelvis shatters?  So fucking stupid, Hermie.

Winners

Prime - I know I'm relegated to strictly college football, but I simply couldn't help myself.  I can't believe how professional you handled the Bears win, Prime.  After the brow beating you took from Drew I was expecting sweet, delicious, violent revenge.  You should have done something incredibly over the top...like force Drew to bleach his own anus.  Or Facebook post that picture you found of Drew and Dut making out while wearing nothing but Ohio State boobie tassels.  I suppose for a rational person such as yourself, living well in the playoffs is the best revenge.  Enjoy your wildcard berth while Nick Fairley spends the off season participating in food challenges.

Nevada Houston - You are now the only mid-major team that anyone gives a shit about.  Welcome to "We sort of give a fuck about you" land.  Meh...I'll be honest.  You're kinda like the less hot sister who's tits aren't as big who also has that crazy, unexplainable mole resting on the middle of your upper lip.  But hey...keep blowing people out and maybe some day someone will be stupid enough to look past the glaring physical deformity that's nearly impossible to ignore and give you a shot at the big boy table.

Alabama - Pull out the fancy overalls.  Shine up the high end dentures with what's left of the bleach grandma uses to stiffen up the moonshine.  Dust off the lavish paper plate set, dab some motor oil on the neck and hide the pigs.  It looks like Roll Motherfuckin Tide is heading back to the National Title game for "Bore the Fuck out of me Bowl 2".  I know Bama's still ranked 3rd behind Okie State but I have a feeling that Oklahomo is about to show the Staties who the main boss in the "Fat Gross Bitch Obesity" state is.  That would put Alabama at 2 since Oregon and Oklahoma winning out won't have the juice to push the Tide out of contention.  Of course this crack theory of mine all hinges on this guy (look down) fucking up...

Brandon Weeden (Oklahoma State) - Underdog Heisman alert!  I can't figure out if Weeden is that good or if Justin Blackmon is that big of a freak.  Maybe it's a harmonious combination of both.  But what I do know is that it can't hurt that Blackmon runs like a deer...a robot deer...on steroids.  Both players have put up super dumb stats this year and are the driving force behind keeping Mike Gundy from having another gnarly public meltdown.  My gut tells me that Oklahoma beats them this year...but my gut is also filled with peanut butter Snickers squares and 2 pounds of spaghetti.  I'm sure that analogy explains everything.  Secretly I'm pulling for the Cowboys because nothing would make me happier than Drew's overrated preseason pick winning the National Title this year.  Owning puppies that puke up $100 bills every 10 minutes.  That would actually make me happier.

By the time you read this, Define Rape will have claimed another victim in the MSFL.  You know, unless Randall Cobb does his best Leonard Hankerson impression.  Since playoffs are out of the question for me, I'm out to ruin people's lives like herpes at a gang bang.  This season has been a complete fucking nightmare and the least I can do is share that misery with as many people as I can.  I'm comin for ya, fuckers.  Time to go shit out some spaghetti.  Enjoy, shitdicks.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Worst Of Week Ten Vol.V

And you might get to sit by them...
Before I get into how bad the Lions are and the rest of the NFL from yesterday, I would first like to give you a piece of advice:  Never throw away your college ID.  It doesn't matter how old it is or how decrepit you are, keep that sumbitch.  Why?  Because there are always discounts for students and you should be receiving those discounts.  Case in point: the Blue Jackets charge a goddamn fortune to attend one of their games.  They are the worst team in the NHL by far so it doesn't really make sense to pay $100 to sit in the lower bowl.  The team doesn't advertise it at all, but if you ask the ticket people for a student fee and present them with an ID, BAM, $25 for lower bowl seats and $15 for upper deckers.  I will now never stop taking advantage of this secret deal.  I thought that the only time that I would ever use my old college ID was for the movies and strip clubs.  Oh how I was wrong.  They probably student discounts everywhere.  You just have to ask.  Keep in mind, these places are openly trying to fuck you in the butt and wallet.  There is nothing wrong with getting a little bit even.  A $15 ticket sure does make a $9 beer more tasty.

By the way, I absolutely hate Thursday night football.  It's a waste of time.  Fuck the NFL Network.  And why were there no teams on byes this week?  4 teams are off next week.  That makes no sense.  I think someone told me at Trivia Night that it had to do with Roger Goodell having repairs done to his sex dungeon this week.  I'm not really sure how that relates at all though.  On to the action from Week 10:

Philip Rivers - No "superstar" QB has ever played worse.  Ever.  How has Norv Turner not been fired yet?

Mike Smiff - The fuck?  Who goes for it on 4th and inches from your own 29 in overtime?  If you don't get it, the game is totes over!  And they didn't get it and it was over!  That was dumber than shit.  Here's another thing, any time that you only need a few inches, QUARTERBACK SNEAK is the only play.  Dumbasses.

Those that dislike the Bungholios - The Bengals aren't good enough to be discounting moral victories, so they should accept this one.  Cincy played the Steelers damn tough.  You've really got to like what the Bingles are doing and how they're playing this season.  And, you know, fuck Ocho Cinco.

Browns LULZZZZ - What a terrible team.  They were trying to win their second game this year with just Phil Dawson's foot and, instead, decided to piss it away with a classic LACES OUT moment.  Brian Pontbriand gained fame this past week in the awesome Factory Of Sadness video and he rewarded that guy by hitting a 12 hopper back to the holder.  Awesome.  Way to lose at home to the Rams, losers.

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Maybe they shouldn't have backed the BRINKS truck up to his house yet.  It seems like Chan The Man's offense just doesn't work against those savage Ryan boys.

People that think that DeMarco Murray is elite - Let's not crown this guy until he does something against a defense that doesn't belong to the Rams, Seahawks, or Bills. 

Curtis Painter - So bad.  (horn, horn) BOILER UP!!!

Todd Haley - The Chiefs are a weird team.  I don't like weird teams that are hard to figure out.  When in doubt, root for someone to lose their job.  By the way, I realize that Tebow only completed 2 heavenly passes but his touchdown to white guy from Minnesota was beautiful.  Tim Tebow = Elite.

Rex Grossman - I was so happy to wake up on Sunday to see that EL SEX CANNON was back as the starter.  Really made my crippling hangover seem worth the pain.  And Rex (Mickey Rourke's favorite QB apparently) was LOL.  His interceptions were just gorgeous fecal bombs.  No more Beck, please, if we're going to continue to lose, keep it funny with Rex.

Mike Shanahan - WHY THE FUCK WAS RYAN TORAIN BACK THIS WEEK, FUCKO?  I hate it when Shanny does this crap.  Roy Helu was the shit last week and in Miami, one touch in the first half so that Torain could average less than 2 yards per carry.  Shanahan is shit.

DREAM TEAM!!! - These guys are awful.  Fire Andy Reid.  I guess I'm trying to say that giving Mike Vick 100 million dollars might not have been a good idea.  The Eagles are a disgrace.

DeSean Jackson - Buy a fucking clock that works, fart face.  One of the year's biggest disappointments must have been confused by the separate knob.

People waiting on the Texans to fold - It ain't happening this year.  Houston is going to end up getting the one seed.  They are legit and are about to get one of the best players in the league back.

Cam Newton - UH OH!  Dude has a tired arm and is starting to get exposed.  I hate to break it to you, but Cam is not going to lead any team to fantasy glory.  I am looking right at you, Dut.

DJ Moore and Nick Fairley - Don't do that, you faggots.  That's dirty pool and totes unnecessary.  It's not like you're going to get away with cheap-shotting a QB.

Matthew Stafford - Hot garbage...possibly the worst game that a quarterback has played this season.  Ol' 12 chins clearly used his bye week well.  2 pick sixes is Rivers-bad.  I don't really know what to think about this game.  Are the Lions fading?  Are the Bears a legit Super Bowl contender?  Is Jay Cutler actually (gulp) good?  I'm starting to think that the answer to all three is yes.

Jim Schwartz - WHY ARE YOU KICKING TO DEVIN HESTER!!!

Carlos Rogers - Thanks a lot, asshole.  He has about 20 interceptions for the Niners this year and he couldn't catch shit in Washington for seven years.  I hate it when guys leave your team and then are awesome.  Good game between the Giants and Frisco though.

The Ravens - Fuck you guys.  Seriously.  Every time you have an impressive win, you follow it up with a loss to the Jaguars or the Seahawks.  I will never buy into these losers.

That's it.  It was not a good fantasy week for me (it appears).  I hate it when that happens.  I'm going to focus the rest of the day on tomorrow's BOILERING UP.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Take That, Michigan!

Air-wank all you want at college hockey, but this goal is fairly ELITE.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Random Topic Friday

Not pictured: raging boner
Interracial (MAYBE!) molestation is all the rage this week, but I still think that the OJ Simpson murder was the biggest sports story of my lifetime. Penn State is damn close, but since JoePa wasn’t the one doing the fucking, I’m going to have to rank it #2. But other stuff has happened this week that is largely being ignored. No longer. Here’s a list of stuff I wanted to hit on today, brah:

*Drew actually brought up a good point the other day. Why does a tremendous internet journalist such as myself say that every coach sucks? That’s a good question and something I never realized but is so obviously accurate. I don’t know what constitutes greatness to me but I suppose my qualifications are:
1. Do you win all the games that you should while splitting those that are toss-ups/you shouldn’t win?
2. Do I feel like you get the most out of your players?

While Bob Stoops definitely is OK in question 1, he fails question 2 (IN MY PERSONAL OPINION). You know someone that really sucks though that for some reason still has a high profile job? Bo Pelini. Bo, and his idiot brother Carl, should just wear clown suits on the sideline. They are supposed to “bring back the black shirts” yet their defense (other than Suh) has been nothing but average. They both look like gomers. I tried to remember the last time that the Pelini-led Huskers won a game in which they were underdogs. And nothing springs to mind. The Pelini brothers are awful…yet Li’l Strut would take them as Ohio State’s next coach(es). Somebody get LS a pair of clown shoes.

*UH OH SPAGHETTI-O'S!!! According to the Dispatch, the NCAA (who should have figured this out awhile ago) is apparently ready to rule on the Buckeyes.
In a signal that tougher penalties likely loom, the NCAA has notified Ohio State University that it is facing a charge of failing to monitor its violation-plagued football program.
Thoughts? This seems like a pleasant surprise to this Buckeye Hater. I was expecting nothing to happen.

*Nats catcher Wilson Ramos has been kidnapped in his native Venezuela. Jesus Christ! This should be getting much more ink right now but it’s being overshadowed. I can’t believe that this bullshit happens. Why would any Mexican go back to Mexico when this sort of stuff seemingly happens all the time? Latin America sucks.

*Why do I love John Daly? Because the big guy is a goddamn disaster. Take his actions at the Australian Open earlier this week for example:
Then at the 11th, it appeared that Daly gave up, and simply hit the remaining balls he had into a water hazard that he didn't come close to clearing. Daly hit seven golf balls into the water on No. 11 and would have been hitting his 16th shot had he continued.
That is ridiculously funny. Running out of balls on purpose so you can (presumably) head to the nearest Hooters is such a Daly thing to do. How is this guy not dead yet?

*While Michigan State is going to be average this season, I am intrigued by the Carrier Classic (it’s tonight, I think). An outdoor basketball game that counts? I’m in. Unless there’s a 30 mph wind, Carolina is going to slaughter Sparty (like they do every time they meet).

*I’m going to the Blue Jackets/Winnipeg game tomorrow night. They are so fucking bad. I’m hoping that the CBJ picks me out of the crowd to play goalie though. I couldn’t be any worse than Steve Mason. How would I fix this team? I’m not sure why you would ask someone who has only been following hockey for about 4 years, but I’ll answer anyway. Fire Coach Arniel. Kill Kris Russell. Trade Antoine Vermette for a retirement home’s septic tank. BENCH GODDAMN MASON. Tell Rick Nash that he isn’t a Captain anymore. After these moves, the team will still probably suck.

Surely, a good chunk of the comments today will be about Trivia Night last night and I’m fine with that. I’m just giving everyone some additional talking points. Let’s see if we can make it through the weekend without any more disgusting sex allegations (and if the pimp service story is true, apparently it will be made public by Saturday). Oh goodie…

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Happy Trails, Joe Paterno

You would think that someone with a low moral compass (such as myself) might be able to get over what’s going on in central PA. Well, you would be wrong. In fact, the more that it’s being discussed, the more it still pisses me off. I’m glad that heads are going to roll over this. Whatever happens is 100% deserved. So, obviously, the big news yesterday was that Joe Paterno is finally going to retire at season’s end. We’ll see if he even makes it that far. If the Penn State board of trustees had any stones, they would tell Joe AND Mike McQueary to stay home forever because their services are no longer needed. Hopefully, the media pressure forces the board to do this because you know damn well that they won’t on their own.

Anyway, Joseph Moses Paterno’s coaching career has come/is coming to an end. From purely a professional standpoint, this has to be tough. When you’ve been doing something for 61 years, it can’t be easy to just walk away. And that is where I come in to play. JoePa likely wants to stay busy still and I’m more than willing to help. Consider this blog to now be a head-hunting service for octogenarians, so to speak. I’ve come up with a list of ten ideal jobs/activities for Joe Paterno now that his “coaching” days are over:

1. NFL Replay Assistant Helper Guy – It seems like this job is all the rage with disgraced former college coaching icons. Lovie Smith could use all the help with challenges that he can get and Joe is used to sitting in the box anyway.
2. Shuffleboard Hustler – A classic old person game if there ever was one. I’m talking about the type on the court and not inside bars, by the way.
3. Wal-Mart Greeter – 84 years old might be a little young for this job actually (just how Jerry Sandusky likes 'em). I think the main requirement for this position is “not having fully-functional legs”.
4. CIA Operative – I would imagine that this job requires secrecy and expert ability at making things disappear. He has plenty of experience doing that!
5. Food Blogger – The internet could use a new voice (if Joe can figure out how to turn on his Apple IIGS) on the topic of oatmeal, bran, and rice pudding. Joe would probably want the moniker “Grumpy” though and some asshole already took that name.

6. Adult Film Star – “Jurassic Cocks” is totally a real thing. Apparently, there is a section of deviants out there that like watching dirty old men plowing hot young chicks. This is one genre that I do not support. It’s still better than dirty old defensive coordinators doing gross shit. That is another genre that I do not support.
7. Gerry Sandusky Apologist – The radio commentator for the Ravens is named Gerry Sandusky (not Jerry like the rapist). Imagine how shitty that guy’s life just got and he didn’t do anything! Joe should move next door to this guy and apologize every day for ruining his name.
8. Product Endorser – Why not? We all saw how great he was in those Big Ten Network ads, why not throw his support behind some companies. Need an oil change, come to Quaker STAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Got eye problems, get LAAAAAAAAAAASIK. Contact the police if you are a victim of RAAAAAAAAAPE. Whoops.  Dammit, stop making jokes about this!
9. Pants Pooper – Not really a career, mind you, but I’m sure that people would pay to watch a famous person shit himself. I would. Probably just once though. Actually, yes, I can confirm that I would pay $100 to watch Joe Paterno shit his pants one time. I’d bet that the face he makes would be priceless.
10. ESPN Analyst – How about we finally give Desmond Howard something to do by re-creating the “magic” of the Dr. Lou/May Day pairing? Mark May is a fuckstick. Fire him. Let Joe and Desmond start arguing with each other…maybe Wendi Nix could host and be all sexy-like. I would watch this, I think.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Was this a mail-in post?” Yes. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I spent last night watching America’s favorite new pastime, November Weeknight MAC Football. It was either “post making fun of Joe Paterno ‘retiring’” or “live blog of Miami/Temple”. Consider yourself lucky. But if you would like to talk about that game, don’t let me discourage you!

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Better Luck Next Year, Alabama

I'm not crying because Bama lost.  I'm crying because this whore just said I look like Jay Cutler.
Deep breaths. I sort of got carried away yesterday (as did most of us) under Penn State’s program-ending actions. Let’s all step away from the kiddie porn today and talk about some football action that happened outside of the showers. Action so meaningful and important that Mike McQueary HAD to watch it and report on it. Of course, I’m talking about the Field Goal Fest 2011 that transpired on Saturday night in “Roll Damn Tide” Country.

First things first, that game was fucking shit. That was a WASTE of 3+ hours. If you aren’t in 100% agreement, don’t worry, you’re just wrong. There’s a big difference between a defensive struggle and complete and utter offensive ineptitude. Yes, both defenses are great. So what? SOMEONE still should have scored. Everyone wanted to bill this year’s Bama/LSU game as the BEST GAME EVER but it wasn’t even close. It was a terrible game and one that I never want to see again.

Second, let’s play Colin Cowherd’s favorite game called “Hypothetical Asshole” for a moment. Say that Oklahoma beats Okie State and Oregon beats Stanford which are both quite possible. We won’t say “what if Arkansas beats LSU” because that isn’t going to happen. Everyone else runs the table as expected. That leaves LSU in the BCS title game with Bama, Oklahoma, Boise State, and Oregon in the driver’s seat to be the Tigers’ final opponent. Obviously, if Okie State wins out, they are #2. Same with Stanford being #3 but we already are aware of that.

I, personally, do not want to ever watch a Bob Stoops team buttfuck a National Championship again. I’ve seen it too many times before. If I’m a voter (and this site is getting close to becoming a member of the Harris Poll!) and have the option of those 4 teams, I’m leaving the Sooners and Good ‘Ol JR off my ballot out of spite. Who would I vote for then? That’s easy, Boise State. Oregon already had their shot, got steamrolled, and has sort of proven that their offense doesn’t fly with SEC schools. Alabama is not even an option to me. They shouldn’t be an option at all.

Do you really want to see a rematch of a 9-6 game? You can’t convince me that you do. Try as you might, no one will be able to convince me that THAT Bama team is the 2nd best team in the country. I had pretty much this exact same post in 2006 during the whole debate about whether or not OSU and Michigan should play again (which I was right on about then since both of those teams got destroyed in their bowls to prove that Michigan did NOT get hosed). What’s that? You want me to list reasons why Nick Saban should make plans for New Orleans but only for the Sugar Bowl? Don’t mind if I do!

*They would not have even won the SEC West (in this scenario so why would they play for a title again?)
*Lost a home game in which they were favored by 4.5 points
*Tried to run a WR pass(?) in the 4th quarter of a tie game
*Put a guy back to return a punt with a sprained ankle
*Couldn’t even score a touchdown at home
*Again, they already had their shot
*That game was terrible
*If you had a kicker that wasn’t doo-doo, you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place
*If the college football season truly is a season-long playoff, Alabama just got eliminated
*Pssssst—ESPN doesn’t want you to know this, but the SEC isn’t very good this year (the Big 12 is MUCH better)
*I never want to watch AJ McCarron throw another football for the rest of my life
*If you can’t beat a team at home, why should I believe that the result would be any different in LSU’s backyard

Feel free to add your own reasons and thoughts in the comments. And while I am a massive honk for the Boise State program, they deserve a shot at the title a hell of a lot more than Roll Damn Tide does. But this isn’t so much a pro-Boise post as it is an anti-Tide post. Much like every person ever born in the South (other than MUDawg of course!), rematches are fucking stupid. So just stop. Leave the title-grabbing to those that know what a touchdown is. Re-match clauses only exist in the world of pro wrestling anyway.

I just want to end this by saying that Tyrann Mathieu is the biggest piece of shit that I’ve ever seen. What kind of criminal just Jim Duggan’s a guy on a punt? I hope he gets Second Miled.  HOOOOOOOOO!

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi...Just Your Kids. Male Kids.

"Imma poke ya in yer penis!"




Can you believe that book title is real?!  Holy fuck sauce!  Thanks for making this post that much more hilarious, inappropriate sexual innuendos.  Oh gosh.  Where to begin today?  Heard any good rape jokes lately?  Stop me if you've heard this one.  A Penn State assistant coach walks into a locker room and face fucks the 13 year old towel boy thus driving him to constant contemplation of suicide...
Oh...you've heard it.  Fuck.  Okay.  What about this one?  A Penn State assistant coach uses a charity for at-risk youths as a cover up for his adolescent male brothel enterprise...Really?!  You've heard that one too?  Well, shit.  I've got nothing then.  Here's a better question.  Who wants to party at Jerry Sandusky's house?  It's a teenage utopia filled with tit mags, drugs/alcohol and porno DVDs.  But by the time you make the connection that it's the wrong kind of porno it's too late.  You're already deeply rooted in the restrictive web of forced homo sex.  I bet he has ecstasy candy necklaces on every last night stand in the joint.  Also, I would avoid drinking anything since it's most likely spiked with a rape accelerator.  Wait...it's not rape if you tape their mouth shut and threaten to kill them if they tell anyone about the game of "hide the weenus" you just played.  Right?  On that note, let's talk winners and losers.  Losers first.

Losers

Chris Spielman (Neanderthal Announcer) - John Waters hides his homosexuality better than Spielman hides his hatred for Michigan.  Kudos to the skid mark who allowed this homer fuck to announce a game of his arch rival.  That's like having Ide referee an And-1 tournament in Los Angeles.  Granted, Michigan didn't do much right on Saturday, but they pay you to be unbiased...not to pounce on every chance to fillet the Michigan offensive scheme.  Newsflash.  It's worked all year, dick mouth.  Just because it doesn't work as good one week doesn't translate to scrapping the game plan forever.  Stick to what you know, Spielman:  crayons, sand castles, ThunderCats pajamas and farting in the bathtub.

Over used announcer cliches - It's time to finally bury phrases like, "pin your ears back" and "punched in the mouth" when talking about football.  It was clever at first, but fuck...come up with something new already.  Mark May abuses these phrases better than Jerry Sandusky sucks 12 year old cocks.  I would think after all these years we would evolve a touch on the announcing side of things.  I guess it doesn't help when networks constantly employ former players/coaches who are 90% brain dead.  I sometimes wonder if Lou Holtz's heart would cave in if someone shined a light directly into his eye.  Or would he morph into a soul sucking Imp sent by Satan to birth the End of Days?  I would chance it just for the gamble of a life sans-Holtz.  Unless we're talking fake Lou Holtz.  He can stay.  But that's me.  /lisp noise

America, after the LSU/Alabama game - Bor-fuckin-ring.  That is unless you're a hundred years old and have no idea you've been sitting in your own piss for the last 2 hours.  Then I'm sure this game got you more jacked than Jerry Sandusky at a junior high wrestling match.  I heard he tapes his dick to his leg in the parking lot no one can spot the erection as he watches young sweaty men tear each other apart.  Smart.  Anyone that says they love a defensive football game is a fucking liar.  Just like Tim Curley.  I enjoyed absolutely nothing about this game...and that's all I'm gonna say so I don't ruin a future post that may happen.  In the future.  By someone other than myself.  Yeah...I'm smooth.

Winners

Gmoney - For correctly calling an obvious Ferentz move leading into Saturday's Michigan meltdown.  Well, you don't really win because the next time I see you I'm going to do something exceedingly villainous to your physical being.  I'm thinking a possible quick throat strike.  Or maybe an uppercut punch directly to the butthole.  I don't even care about getting poop fisted...I will do it.  Fair warning:  Stop helping my team lose.

Alabama - They kept it close enough against LSU to drop only one place and stay ahead of two unbeaten teams in the BCS (*cough* bullshit *cough*).  But on the negative scope it's 2011 and they still enjoy sex with animals and fat, toothless relatives that smell like moonshine Steeler fans.  But they are still an openly racist/sexist state which was probably the deciding factor that kept them 3rd.  Please...like the people in charge of the BCS aren't all at least 65, have dicks and are white supremacists.  I guess sometimes it pays off to shun things like equality.  And ethics.  And modern technology.  And hygiene.  And condoms when fucking your sister.  That's okay though...in Alabama coat hanger abortions are not only legal, but encouraged.  It really ruins the uterus.

Andrew Luck - Heisman winner.  California pussy champion.  First overall NFL draft pick.  Voted best handshake 2011.  American taco authority.  He has it all.  Except a good voice.  I watched an interview with him last Saturday and nearly shat myself laughing.  He sounds like he has peanut butter stuck in the back of his throat, or like he's half choking on a potato.  Or like he's being force fed Jerry Sandusky's Brillo padded vanilla night stick.  BOOM!  And you thought I was done with the J-Sand cock jokes.  But seriously.  Luck sounds fucking ridiculous and should consider getting one of those voice box things that can make him sound like Darth Vader...or Sam Elliott.

By the time you read this, I'll be using Grumpy's fantasy football corpse as a victory cape.  Most of you know that my MSFL team is in the top 5 worst teams ever assembled.  Grumpy and Wigmaster can go cuddle each other in shame while I haunt their dreams.  But hey, chin up, old timer.  At least you had the scrote to play this year.  We all respect you for that.  It's just too bad respect doesn't win you shit around here.  Take comfort in the fact that you have ample time to redeem yourself when The Money Shot Bowl pick em competition thingy starts up.  Most of you expressed interest in this so here's how it's gonna go down.  Don't worry, I'll remind you all again of the rules when it gets closer.

Picks need to be in BEFORE the games start (obvs).  Leave them in the comment section along with your name (obvs again).  We will honor the official spread like Ape did last year since that's how the real men do it.  That also prevents guys like Damman from getting lucky by picking the teams to win that have the most O's, S's and U's in their team name.  Or have the players with the nicest asses.  You know...kinda like how girls pick the NCAA basketball game winners.  The winner gets a prize, picked by me.  No refunds!  Feel free to post your best Jerry Sandusky pedophile jokes in the comment section.  Whoever wins I will like them a little more than I do right now.  Which is not very much.  Stay away from the underage butthole everyone!