Monday, October 31, 2011

The Worst of Week Eight Vol.V

Saturday, some friends asked She$ and I to babysit their young daughter over night.  I didn't care, I was going out drinking.  But She$ had to work Sunday morning which meant that I would have the day shift and I'm a fucking disgrace around younglings.  Let me tell you something, watching a kid is murder.  I was awaken from my drunken sleep at the robust hour of 7 am.  Then I got to help put together a puzzle while watching multiple episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, SpongeBob, and Pound Puppies.  It was brutal.  I was confused.  The only things that I know about babysitting, I learned from porno.  This was not like that at all.  Babysitting sucks.  Let this be a lesson to all of you childless winners out there.  I know that I learned a lot.

Oh well, at least it's over.  Watching girly cartoons is still more entertaining than The Sports Reporters.  Anyway, football yesterday was pretty terrible.  The early games might have been the worst slate of matchups in NFL history (and somehow the late games were worse).  Let's get to it.

Drew Brees and Company - The Saints seem to do something like this every year.  They always lose to at least one really rotten team (last year was Cleveland).  But the Rams are legitimately shit.  That should not have happened.

Not Sam Bradford - That win probably keeps the Rams out of the Luck sweepstakes.  That would have been an interesting dilemma actually.  If the Rams get the #1 pick, do they dump Bradford already?  I would.  Tony LaRussa was wearing a Rams 14 jersey on the sidelines yesterday...awful.  Speaking of the Series, that was some really entertaining baseball.  I could watch Tony's flinch on the last out everyday.  Hilarious reaction.

Li'l Strut - I was discussing fantasy football (the MSFL to be exact) and was complimenting LS for his 6-1 start.  You know what he told me his strategy on draft day is?  "Draft consistent players".  WHAT A BOLD IDEA!  NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!  God, you are worse than prison rape.

Chris Johnson - I think that we can officially write his 2011 season off now.  If you can't break 40 yards against a team that just gave up 62 7 days earlier, you're terrible.  And he is totally fucking over Matt Forte with his "holdout then shittiness".

Jim Tressel - Rumor has it, he got commenter Daniel and his wife an OLIVE TRAY for their wedding.  OMG LOLZ!  It's better than an autographed copy of The Winner's Manual though.  Barely.

Tony Sparano - He is a terrible coach and apparently put his house up for sale last week.  Nothing beats a coach getting fired.

Giants fans that participate in ESPN chats during games - These are always hilarious idiots.  The frontpage of had stupid Giants fans posting stuff as soon as they beat a rotten Dolphins team by a FG like "Eli is a top 5 QB" and "See, Eli would not allow the Giants to lose!"  Fans are 'tards.

Olindo Mare - Nice missed chip shot, whatever-your-race-is.

Terry Bradshaw - He ranked Andy Dalton ahead of Cam in his uber-scientific rookie QB rankings because of wins.  Yes, TB would rather have Dalton over Cam.  He is a child molester.

Kevin Kolb and Joe Flacco - Both of these guys suck.  That is all.

Worst Christmas Gift Ever - Courtesy of -Rex, comes this gem...yes, this gentleman is selling a USED FLESHLIGHT!
I got it from my ex-girlfriend Lauren for my birthday, in 2003, and truthfully I have had absolutely no use for it for about 3 years. From 2003-2004, I used it a few times at the most. After every time of use, I cleaned it out very well. If you don't, the smell gets really bad.

Hines Ward - Yeah, buddy, you're not needed here anymore.  Us "haterz" have been waiting for this day for years now but I think it's official...Hines Ward is completely worthless and makes the Steelers worse when he's on the field.  They have 3 receivers and a TE all better than him.

Teams that lost late games - I don't want to get into these games because they were brutal.  Simply put: The Browns suck, the Seahawks suck, and the Broncos really, really suck. 

John Beck - He should just put LOL on the back of his jersey.  God, the Redskins are awful.  The Bills had 4 sacks in their first 6 games this year.  They had EIGHT yesterday.  Sorry, Matt Barkley, but you're about to get murdered behind that same line.  The Redskins got SHUTOUT by the Bills.  ZERO POINTS AGAINST THE BILLS DEFENSE.  This performance pretty much defines yesterday's NFL action...awful.

She$ - The wife asked me how many bags of candy she should buy for Trick Or Treat tonight.  We get a decent flow in the neighborhood but not a ton of kids.  I told her 3 (Twix, Snickers, and Reese's).  She came home from the store on Saturday with...NINE BAGS!  Who eats fucking Sweet Tarts?  Those things are mung!  My wife is a fucking lunatic.  We're going to be eating that candy until next Summer.  Bitches be crazy.  And please go back and read my post from two years ago about acceptable Halloween candy.  Come for the sugary breakdown, stay for the blurb about "Phil From Pantera".

In conclusion, let me give you a piece of advice.  Whenever life gets you down, keep your chin up and remember that it could be worse.  You could be selling your used sex toys on the internet.  I hope that that guy has never been asked to babysit anyone's kids.  In that aspect, maybe I'm not the worst babysitter ever.

Friday, October 28, 2011

In Honor of Beavis and Butthead's Triumphant Return

Drew really ruined the surprise yesterday, but today’s edition is being dedicated to Beavis and Butthead (I refuse to put a – between the t and h). Now, for all of you young punks and old fuck, B&B was an MTV cartoon from the mid-90’s that was pretty revolutionary at the time. It was about nothing and might be the dumbest show in the history of TV…but that was part of its charm. It spawned Dut’s favorite show, Daria! Well, it came back last night. After about a decade of silence, the boys are back. As I said, I’m a little nervous about B&B redux because my maturity level may not appreciate it as much today as I did in high school. But let’s be honest, I haven’t matured that much. I’m sure that I’ll love it.

To answer your question, yes, I do own the complete Beavis and Butthead series on 6 DVDs. I have only tried watching them once but I got pissed off because they took out the best part of all the old episodes…those two watching music videos. The video comments were my favorite part of the show, dammit! Where else would I have been introduced to this classic Grim Reaper tune (which is the best worst song ever)? Nowhere I tell ya! That faggot, Rikki Rachtman, sure as shit wouldn’t have put this on in place of his butt buddies, Firehouse. Firehouse was so fucking terrible. They made Slaughter look like Megadeth.

Anyway, to sort of tie this together (and this is something that I’ve wanted to do for awhile now), I’ve compiled a list of the 5+ worst bands/musicians ever. Much like B&B, whenever I hear shit by any of these wastes, I immediately change the station.

Dishonorable Mention:
*Korn – They have zero redeeming qualities.
*Lifehouse – If I had a band and named it “I Want To Suck Your Cock”, it would be a less gay band name than Lifehouse. Lifehouse! Who came up with that? I bet it was that lead singer guy who looks like he got kicked out of Hanson.
*Creed – I admit it. In high school, I liked Creed. Probably way more than I should have. The “My Own Prison” album was pretty good. And it all came crashing down when Scott Stapp decided to embrace his role as Churchy LaDouche and write fucking rotten songs like “Higher” and “My Sacrifice”. Those songs are so brutal. Most of you would probably put Creed in the top 5, but I couldn’t just because of the MOP album.

5. U2 – I fucking hate it when bands think that they need to help change the world and feed the hungry and de-AIDS Africa. Just write music and trash hotel rooms, homos. You are supposed to be rock stars that live lives of excess. Stop caring about the homeless! You know who U2 caters to these days? Your parents. The entire audience at their shows are douchebags in their 40’s and 50’s. Watch, I bet Grumpy chimes in that he likes U2. THEY SUCK.  Worst Super Bowl halftime show ever and I say this knowing that Up With People once performed.

4. Limp Bizkit – Hoo boy. 4 might be too low. I heard “Nookie” on the radio the other day and I almost shit my knickers. That song is so horrendous and yet for a time in the early 2000’s, it was considered awesome. It boggles the mind really. What happened to us Gen-Xers? We allowed Fred Durst to be one of the biggest rock stars on the planet (for awhile) and encouraged him to make MORE music! That can not stand. Do I own a Limp Bizkit album, you ask? Yes. I own 2. I am not proud of this AT ALL. Limp pretty much started that bullshit rap-rock genre which is worse than Muhammad Ali playing Operation. Now I bet your wondering: “If Limp Bizkit is only #4, the top 3 have to be SHIT!” You would be correct.

3. Nickelback – Pretty much every negative thing that I want to say about these Canadian assholes has already been said. They have no talent. Their songs are ass. I can’t even possibly begin to characterize and stereotype what a Nickelback fan looks like. They are the Canuck version of the worst American band ever…Redheaded Stepchild (Iceman’s one-time band…they were fucking TERRIBLE! Let’s hope that he writes about that at some point).

2. Train – Oh dear God. This is the type of music that your mom listens to. They have made a career out of appealing to your mothers. And what’s with that name? Was “Boat” taken? Have you seen these guys? Ain’t no fucking way that they’ve run a train through anyone ever. Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of “Drops of Jupiter”? It makes no sense at all even metaphorically. You’re right, Train, heaven is overrated because your songs will be playing in Hell for all of eternity.

1. Will Smith – This wasn’t even that fucking close. When the wife and I are driving somewhere, she wants country and I want sports talk. We compromise with 90’s on 9 (or 80’s on 8). I can’t listen to more than 3 seconds of a Will Smith song. They are all terrible and un-black. Is there a bigger Uncle Tom than Will Smith? Black people have to hate him. Smart people see that he’s a fraud. He only caters to fat idiots in the Midwest. Yet he’s made billions of dollars off of those people. It’s maddening. Men In Black (Who Have Sex With Each Other!), Wild Wild West, Summertime, Welcome to Miami…all shit. I can’t even say “Getting’ Jiggy With It” without wanting to punt my nuts off. I hate Will Smith. You should to.  He is the absolute worst.  Welcome to Earff.

There it is, men. G$’s list of crap that will make your ears bleed. God, I hope Beavis and Butthead was funny last night. If not, KICK ME IN THE JIMMY! I SAID DO IT!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pro Combat Can Get AIDS And Die

The Buckeyes are wearing these monstrosities on Saturday night for some reason. I don’t know why other than everyone likes to bend over for Nike. I don’t know what the uniforms actually look like, but I’m sure that they’re just as hideous. You know, call me old fashioned (which I’m not because I love retro uniforms), but all of these alternate looks and Pro Combat horseshit fucking pisses me off. For the most part, they are ALL ugly ass designs only brought out so that idiots purchase them. That’s it. They aren’t designed to be replicas of some past national championship team or something else quasi-cool. It’s just for Nike/Under Armour/the school to sell more unnecessary shit to mouth breathers.

And why must everyone slap numbers on the side of the helmets now? Want to know why that is cool? Because only one school does it! That’s Bama’s schtick. A handful of other schools doing that cheapens the look. Man that pisses me off. If people start ripping off Florida State’s helmet (the best helmet ever), I’m just going to stop watching college football.

I freely admit that I have no idea what all of this Occupy Wall Street stuff is about (because I don’t care), but I assume it’s about rich people being too rich or whatever. Why don’t these people do something useful and protest these horrendous college football uniforms? Now that is something that everyone could get behind.

As I mentioned though, not all of them are shit. I was actually able to come up with 5 good, 5 bad, and the ugliest alternate helmets/uniforms of all time. I feel like this is a decent topic. Shall we? We shall.

The Good:
*Boise State’s all blue look with the large bronco outline on the helmet – They wore these against Toledo (I think). I like them better than their normal unis.
*Everything that Oregon wears – They started the trend so I give them points for being innovators
*The U’s green helmets – best helmets ever even if they are accompanied by horrible orange jerseys
*LSU when they wear all-white including the helmets – They wore these on Saturday…sharp as fuck.
*Florida’s white helmet with the blue F – Florida always has sick threads though.

The Bad:
*Maryland’s flag and turtle shell helmets – The less said about these, the better. I can officially say that I hope Under Armour goes bankrupt now.
*Arizona State’s new helmets with a fork on it – I actually liked that weirdo cartoon devil…he reminded me of The Noid!
*Notre Dame doing anything different than usual – those helmets were waaaaaay too shiny on Saturday night…and green jerseys are fucking gay
*Ohio State’s unis from the Michigan game last season – Commenter Jeff bought a TP jersey in this style. Everyone hates Commenter Jeff.
*Michigan’s stripe-orgy this year – The numbers don’t even fit on the helmet!

The Ugly:
*Spartan Gold – WHY???? FUCK YOU, SPARTY!

Let’s get a decent debate going about this today. At worst, it will be fun to read Grumpy’s comment about the need to bring back leather helmets. Actually, you know, someone asked Luke Fuckell this week if he wanted to wear all black uniforms and he said that he would. I think that that would be a pretty sick look actually. So, Nike, give the Buckeyes all black instead of helmets with numbers and smeared menstrual fluid on them. And maybe a plane crash, too. You know, in honor of Payne Stewart (10 years ago this week!).

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Suh! Tebow! Beck! Carson! Other Stuff!

Thou shalt not doubt me.
Due to circumstances that take place in a world where I’m a lot less awesome (the real one vs. the internet where I am a force), I have been unable to publish any pro football-related posts over the last two weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that you have missed my wonderful musings. Fear not, kind pedophiles, because I am going to fill the void in your souls that you usually fill with pre-teen boy pee. I will be covering two whole weeks of NFL thoughts this morning and if you think that this will be free of the QB who is seated at the right hand of the Father, then you are sorely mistaken. First things first, old news:

Jim Schwartz – It isn’t often that I would look down on anyone trying to start a fight, but Schwartz totes pulled a The Situation on Harbaugh. I still think that he acted like a cunt during that and only decided to go insane once there were 8 300 pound black dudes between the two coaches. Let me give Jim some advice because I don’t want to stop loving the guy. You can’t act the way that you do on the sidelines (which is awesome, by the way, please keep it up) and then get pissed off when someone else does it to you. That’s what ferry-ass hypocrites do. Take Rex Ryan for example. He talked shit about Norv and Norv fired back with a better zinger. Rex’s rebuttal: a win on Sunday. Don’t get mad, get Glad.

Tim Tebow – I’m not sure what to make of his performance on Sunday. Every analyst out there has already chimed in with decent pieces about Timmy. I guess I’ll just say this: the dude plays ugly ass football but somehow he is always in it in the 4th quarter. I would take him over John Beck any day. That might not be a compliment though. The Dolphins are fucking TERRIBLE by the way.

The Lions – Uh oh. Why am I getting the feeling that they’ve already peaked and now the shit is slowly starting to hit the fan? Now I’m not going to pull an Eric Karabell and say that they are going to finish 8-8, but I think the last two weeks have shown that they aren’t as close to the Packers level as some may have initially thought. Stafford is banged up (took long enough!). Jahvid Best can’t do anything if it isn’t a shotgun hand-off and those rarely work in the NFL (at least not consistently). You can run on these guys. They have almost zero discipline. That offensive line is as terrible as Nate Burleson. I don’t particularly care about Suh calling for the meat wagon when Matty Ice was down, but it was kind of a douche move nonetheless. Why would you go out of your way to piss off your opponent? The Lions still have the Pack twice, at the Bears, the Saints, Cammy Cam, TEBOW, Al Davis, and Marmalard left. You know what, 8-8 might not be that much of a stretch. That’s a pretty tough schedule.

Carson Palmer – Remember this guy? He’s still terrible. Joe Flacco-bad. I don’t really think that anyone won or lost on that trade. The Raiders would have wasted those picks anyway (and it most certainly will not be two #1’s). Mike Brown got “rewarded” for being a terrible owner. I won’t call him a winner out of spite since he’ll end up playing hardball and thus having a hold-out with whoever they draft with those picks. But, yes, Carson still blows. He still can’t get enough heat on those out patterns and thus a ton of pick sixes are coming. They should have just went with TP and just ran the wildcat for 4 quarters. Seriously.

Philip Rivers – I’ve always felt that the Floatmaster General was a tad overrated anyway, and he is doing nothing to crush those thoughts this season. The fuck is going on with Marmalard? He’s terrible this season. It’s like the Chargers are 4-2 despite his uneven and underwhelming play. But he seems like the biggest douchebag ever so I will continue to root against him.

The Texans – By the way, if you don’t visit Iceman’s home site (which you shouldn’t), he was quick to dismiss Arian Foster going into this season. Uh, check yo’self, Ice, because when that guy’s legs are right, he oh so sick. The Texans were my preseason AFC champion and I’m sticking with it. If you believe that the Packers run last year can be repeated, then Houston appears to have that same formula. Everyone is hurt early but they persevere and are ready to roll come the playoffs.

The Redskins – Well, that was a fun first 5 weeks. Not many teams can go into their bye at 3-1 and then look worse than the Dolphins after it. That takes special skills. The Skins have now lost 5 starters from a below average offense over the last 2 games and I’m ready to call this season over now. John Beck is fucking terrible. At least with Rex, he’s hilarious when he sucks. I can laugh when he throws a pick into quadruple coverage just because it’s such a Sex Cannon thing to do. With Beck, not so much. Mormons are awful. Did anyone here ever watch Big Love? Worst show ever. Since our three wins has us out of the Luck Derby due to Miami and Indy not winning three games combined this year, it’s time to start scouting the other arms in the 2012 Draft. I’m digging Ramblin’ Red Barkley more and more. Anyone that skull-fucks Brian Kelly can play for my team. I forgot how much it blows when your team’s season is over before week 8.

Fantasy Corner – As I mentioned yesterday, I’m fairly legit and elite this season in every league. Mos def not OVERRATED. The Hightower ACL tear has me scrambling a bit in the DFL and MSFL (combined 12-2!) but we will persevere. Feel free to discuss your fantasies today.

That about covers it. I’m quite certain that Drew will be quick to defend the Lions and that’s OK. I haven’t fought with him in almost a week. I will leave you with this question to ponder (not Christian): what happens on Sunday when Suh and Tebow collide? The apocalypse? Probably the apocalypse.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Money Shot Winners and Losers

                                                     "I pooped!"

Welcome back to the Tuesday edition of The Money Shot where we do Tuesday things.  Today, I will be showing the Internet world how dumb we all are as a collective group.  Well, not me...but all of you, since these are all of your sloping forehead caveman picks.  But first...God damn you Rusty Wilson!  How dare you and the Badgers make me look like a silly nanny!  I was perfectly content with watching you plow through Michigan State's vaginal wall en route to a murderous blowout.  Instead, you let Kirk Cousins and his 3rd string CFL talent beat you with a desperation heave caught by Keith Nichol's nose.  Dear God, did you see that thing?  Talk about a pussy restricter.  Don't fart in front of could actually kill him.  Now that William Gholston is back I can't wait to see what he gets suspended for next.  My guess would be attempting to punch a hole through someone's face after presenting him with a 4th grade math problem on a flash card.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  God, I fucking hate the Spartans.  Moving on.  What say we revisit some preseason predictions from The Money Shot commenters and find out who the winners and losers are.


Iceman - Because I always win.

GSaul - Picking Shittsburgh as your underrated team didn't help your cause, but you found redemption in the state of Texas when most people find obesity or crystal meth.  Ryan Tannehill has been impressive and you called it good sir!  I won't penalize you for LaMichael James since he's still 11th in rushing yards despite missing two games from the most gnarly elbow dislocation this side of the Prime Meridian.  He would be in the Heisman talk if not for that injury...and should be despite it.  In the future do yourself a favor and ignore the Big East like the rest of the world.

Drew - Fuck.  I can't believe you made the cut, but the numbers don't lie.  You had a complete meltdown in your overrated/underrated picks (Ok State 4 losses, Ohio State finishing in the top 10), but are the only one who still has BOTH picks for the title game still alive (Alabama over Stanford).  Your Heisman pick is currently sitting at 3rd and I'm pretty sure JoePa's funeral is scheduled for sometime in April when the ground thaws.  We clearly fucking hate each other, but at least you know your shit...some of the time.  You know, when you aren't sucking the sperm from Ohio State's bumpy shaft like a starving, strung out, third world country prostitute.

GMoney - Even though you took the pussy way out, I suppose I'll let you in to the ELITE club of winners.  Notre Dame overrated?  Oooooooo, what a risk taker!  Andrew Luck for the Heisman?!  Someone talk this man down from the ledge!!  What will he blow our minds with next?  Watch in jaw dropping awe as GMoney drives FIVE miles an hour over the speed limit.  Gasp in astonishment as he orders a SECOND helping of Spanish rice.  Such an adrenaline junkie.  Okay, I'm done.  I was mildly impressed with your Eric Page and Brock Osweiler picks.  Good, not great.  At least you untucked your balls for a second to make those picks.  But you lose points for sucking the juice out of Beamer's silicon turkey neck and buying into V-Tech.  Even with Miami OH's schedule these snatch napkins aren't going undefeated.


Damman - I almost instantly banished you to the loser category on a knee jerk reaction for calling for Dabo Swinney's head at the end of the season.  But I decided to allow it since Clemson usually disappoints in brilliant fashion.  Overall, there was just too much fowl odor here to ignore.  The Virginia Tech Fake Necks are 7-1, Purdue still blows and neither Boise or Oklahoma will sniff the title game.  Also for the record, I want to keep my eye on Juron Criner as much as I want to keep my eye on Oprah's mangled beef curtains spread wide open with her Johnsonville John Madden sausage fingers.

Dut - /fart noise.  Good call on Arkansas, genius.  And tell me again why I'm supposed to keep my eye on John Brantley.  So I have a better reason to mail you a bag of my shit?  Brantley is worse than your call for Florida State to be in the national championship game.  You are a terrible, rotten person and are definitely NOT elite.  Unless we're talking about making dumb predictions.  You are PLATINUM ELITE in that category.  But at least you didn't suck as much as Damman.  Damman is so rotten he probably hates stuff like ice cream and fake tits.

The Wig Master - Do you even read this blog?  Well if you do, congratulations.  LSU overrated and Ohio State underrated was incredibly dumb.  Why would you pick a team who finished 8th in the country last year to be overrated?  Not to mention the fact that LSU has finished 1st, 8th and 10th in recruiting since 2009.  Les Miles may drink out of the toilet, but son of a bitch can that fucker recruit talent.  The better than average year that Stedman Baily is having doesn't even come close to making amends for this brutal error.  And Landry Jones is a dick sucking hobo.

In conclusion, it would only be fair to point out that I was completely wrong about Wisconsin.  Don't get me wrong, they're good.  But they aren't national title good.  I made the mistake of going all in despite the weak competition.  Wisconsin reminds me of this:  A few years ago, I was at a bar with some friends.  We were all a little fried when this group of girls walk in.  My buddy turns to me and says, "I can't figure out if that chick in the black is hot or fat, but I intend to find out."  The next morning I get a text that reads, "She just got into the shower.  Come get me...quickly.  And for the record she was more fat than hot."  Thanks for playing, fat girl.  Oh yeah, and Jaamal Berry got arrested.  So it looks like there's at least one guy who is a bigger fuck than anyone on this website.  Enjoy, piss stains.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Surviving The Lockout: All Stars Vs. Commenters

I'm not Chris Paul but I know a faggot when I see one.  Ide is a faggot.
I'm at a funeral this morning (as I mentioned on Friday) so you've got Ide to start your week out right. Remember when he just casually mentioned the one time that he played pick-up hoops with Chris Paul? Here's that story:

When I went to school in Carolina my friends and I played a lot of pickup games at Wake Forest and Chapel Hill . My friends were pretty good, and I could play some ridiculous defense (think Bruce Bowen except white (note I didn’t say respectable or likable)) and had an above average three point shot. My handling and driving skills were terrible because I was a 5’10 135lb white guy with average at best speed. I played a few months ago and realized I can now only play defense, everything else even remotely involved with offense has failed me horribly over the years, but I digress.

A quick side note about my friends. We all worked together and shared a lot of the same classes, so it was natural that we hung out. The core group consisted of me (white), Brandon (white), Adam (Injun), Ben (half Asian), Chris (same), and Black Rob (black). Keep in mind this was around the time that the Chappelle Show was at the height of popularity, so between the racial makeups of us, the insults were very offensive. It never grew old ordering Black Rob a pink lemonade whenever we went out to eat. Funnier still is when he drank it. Everytime.

The cool thing about playing at Wake Forest in the spring was that it was perfectly normal to see the college players out playing amongst us common folk. Conversely, at UNC you mainly saw dirty Asians and black people. Asians are despicable basketball players and should be euthanized as a whole. I have never met a more egregious group of shit talkers with marginal skills and foppish hair in my life. Go do math. So we preferred WFU, but we did play in a few tournaments at UNC per summer, all of which resulted in at least one scuffle per year. Goddamn Asians.

The most memorable pickup game happened after the 2003 season. Wake Forest won the ACC and was highly touted in the tournament only to lose in the second round. Josh Howard was a Wooden finalist and won a plethora of awards that year. And he was still humble enough to play with us, even though he was soon to be a late first rounder. We played quite a bit that day and I remember on this particular game, I was sitting out and my friends had to go up against Howard’s team. Now, to be fair to Black Rob, Howard wasn’t his guy to defend, so in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t his fault that this happened; he was a first rounder after all. But Howard caught the ball on the baseline near the three point line and charged in. Black Rob came down to defend, but it was too late. Howard jumped up and slammed it hard, legs going up like Shaq’s back in the day. And right in the middle of those long black legs was Black Rob; face firmly planted right in Josh’s dick. His arms didn’t have time to go up in the air. It looked like he was half way trying to take a charge, in a pickup game. But a face full of a 6’10 man’s junk could not have been pretty to look at.

Now when this happens, it is usually the opposing team and/or dunker who howl with excitement and laughter that some guy just got owned. Not in this case, not with us. We all fell to the ground laughing hard. A game was going on, but they didn’t care, the laughter was fierce. We even high fived Josh Howard for doing it. Purely classless. We told everyone and anyone for the next few weeks. Constant jokes were made about wiping the ball sweat off of his forehead. One day when he was passed out we signed Josh Howard on his forehead. He tried to defend himself, and even acted proud that a player of that caliber (college Howard > NBA Howard) dunked on him. That sort of bravado didn’t fly around us. I hung out with them around January and we brought it back up. Yep, 8 years later and it’s still funny.

Fast forward to a year later and after CP3’s highly touted freshman year. We went out on a cool day and started playing amongst ourselves. The other courts started filling up and soon enough the games were in full swing. I noticed that CP3 and Justin Gray were out and about playing separately. Either CP3’s team disbanded or he lost so they came over to our court where we won quite handily. We started up a game with them, and it was on. We lost a pretty good game like 12-10 I think.

During the game was quite a bit of action, however. They tried sticking me on Paul since we were around the same height. Everyone else on the court was 6’4 plus. I laughed and simply said, fuck you, no chance. Since Chris (half-Asian) was really fast, we sent him on him. I had someone a lot more manageable. There was a bit of a collision under the opposing basket and I flew out of bounds into a fence as we stole the ball. CP3 then promptly stole it back and I was the only person between him and the basket. I was around the free throw line and he was charging full bore at me. I had two options, both with the same result: Try and watch him rape then embarrass me, or fake movement and let him roll around me. I chose the latter. I know what happens to those who try against these guys. He did fake right then jetted left, I threw a hand out and he swiftly went around me, I fouled (like it mattered) and he made the easy lay-up. I simply shrugged it off like and ran back while my team called ma a fucking pussy. Rightfully so, maybe, but I’m man enough to know I’m not skilled enough to take him on. Give me that scenario today, and it would go down the same way.

Shortly after that, my guy blew the assignment and I had the ball near the top of the key and I splashed a pretty shot to tie the game at 10. I winked at CP3 and smiled, who was at the free throw line. I always told myself that was his most embarrassing moment aside from tagging Julius Hodge in the jewels. I also predicted his lack of effort was due to the same reasoning as mine; the ball was going in anyways, whether he tried or not. His team then went on and won after back to back jump shots and a miss from us.

We continued to play up there for a long time and played against a lot of their players. We raped their practice squad, which was fucking hilarious. We played against Kyle Visser as he drained what seemed like 35 3’s in a row, but he turned out to be a grocery store manager (I assume), so that doesn’t really count. I always respected those guys for actually coming out and playing with us. While Howard turned out to be a fucking idiot (he was WAY too stupid to attend Wake), CP3 has always been one of my favorite players. So while a few people around here played against LeBron in AAU or “watched him play”, like that is a cool thing to say, I can actually say that I have been scored on by CP3. I am still humble enough to applaud myself for making a 3 on him.

Thank you, Ide.  I would like to publicly challenge LeBron James to a game of 1-on-1 for the next installment of this feature.  Expect it to be a rough one.

Friday, October 21, 2011


So the finale of Jersey Shore’s fourth season aired last night and no one, NO ONE, writes a better summary piece of the season that was better than G$. If you don’t watch it, I do not care. It’s not like this is hard to follow. You know who all of these people are anyway even if you’ve never seen the show.

After last year’s horrendous return to Seaside Heights (following an awful trip to Miami), I was just about ready to wipe my hands clean of these egomaniacs. But I hung in there nevertheless and, I have to admit, I’ve fallen back in love with Jersey Shore. Season 4’s voyage to Italy was outstanding. It is EXACTLY what this franchise needed to re-invent itself while actually not doing anything different. That being, put them back in a place where nobody knows them or why cameras are following them around. And it helps if no one speaks English. So let’s get to the Winners, Losers, LVP, and MVP of Jersey Shore Season 4.

Pauly D – He will forever be one of the coolest people on the planet. Pauly never stops being chill and never settles for anything less than choice ass. Oh, he could have plowed Deena every night but that would have been too easy. One of my favorite Pauly sound bytes from this season was when Snooki’s boyfriend just decided to leave and everyone was freaking out, Vinny asked him what was going on. Pauly said it perfectly, “Who cares.” It was tremendous.
Vinny – Vinny has blossomed into a fairly reliable player ever since his no-show in season 1. He never does anything truly horrible or great, he’s just consistent. And he’ll fuck anything. And he has at least 4,000 blood relatives worldwide.
Cocaine – It’s the only way that I can explain how Jenni and Snooks each dropped 20-30 pounds between seasons 3 and 4. They drink all the time and eat horribly. Drugs are the only option, right? Both looked good though.
Deena – I’m a big “Meatballs” fan but even I found Deena wildly inconsistent this season. Is she a dyke? Why does she think that “doing sex” with Pauly is a good idea? Has she ever not fallen down? I think I can speak for everyone when I say “Put that kooka away”. Nobody wants to see that.
Roger – This guy rules eventhough he was not seen in season 4. He has turned Jenni into a dick-whipped little twat. I also found it great when Jenni was bawling on the phone with him because he couldn’t fly over to visit due to work and he acted like he didn’t even care. That was clutch.
Ron and Sam – Ummmmm, they have been on the losers list every season but, you know what, they were highly tolerable this season. Sam put on a little bit of the weight that Snooks and Jenni lost and looked better to me.
Vinny’s Family – These people never stop making me laugh. Uncle Nino needs to move into the Seaside house for season 5.
Morning Drinking – It’s an activity that I enjoy every once in awhile but I feel like Snooks only got out of bed just so she could start drinking. My kind of girl!
Abercrombie and Fitch – We’ll get into this later, but now it makes perfect sense why they wouldn’t want The Situation to wear their clothes.
Pauly and Vinny’s Italian Sweatsuit Impersonations – Enough said…the rhythmic fist-pumping was hysterical.
THE UNIT – This guy needs to get on camera immediately. I have to know what someone named THE UNIT looks like. Apparently, he is the missing piece of the puzzle as he was apparently caving in Ryder’s kooka while Snooks blew Sitch. THE UNIT has THE ANSWERS!

Jenni who is no longer J-Woww – Since Roger has that shit on lock down; Jenni is just sort of there now. She does nothing interesting (and that includes tying weirdo bows on her hats). She even calls herself the mom of the group. And she’s right. What do Peg Bundy, Marge Simpson, and other TV moms have in common? They are boring as shit.
Babies – It took long enough but someone on the cast finally had a pregnancy scare. Fortunately, Deena was worried over nothing. But this is a sad reality that we need to worry about: At some point, most of these deviants are going to procreate. That is a terrifying thought.
The Martial Arts – No, Sitch, randomly kicking air does not make you trained in karate. Just like headbutting a concrete wall does not make you an NFL QB.
The definition of “prank” – These guys still don’t get it, do they? Moving your roommates shit out of the room is a dick move. That’s not funny. Also not funny: insinuating that you told The Unit to call Snooks boyfriend about her blowing you as a means to find out who the rats were in the house. Make sense? Of course not. Such is the pointless existence of Mike Sorrentino.
Jionni – This guy is the biggest tool on a show filled with tools. How can you be dating Snooki and not be OK with how she behaves? He flies to Florence, takes a shower, ejaculates into Snooks I assume, goes clubbing, gets pissed because Nicole is dancing like a whore (which she always does), and then just leaves. MTV really dropped the ball with this. WHERE DID HE GO? It’s not like he could just take a cab to his house; he was in goddamn Italy! And then he takes a train to Rome the next day because his mom bought him a ticket even though his girlfriend is a millionaire, goes back to the States, gives Snooki another chance for some insane reason, and then finds out ten minutes later that she fucked Vinny. I bet that when the editors were putting together this season, they were just like “let’s make this dumbass look like the biggest fucking ‘tard ever”. Well done.
The Twins – Speaking of looking like shit, how about these girls! The one couldn’t stop fucking The Situation for some reason and the other sucked off Vinny, went to Deena’s bed to makeout for an hour, and then went back to finish sucking off Vinny. Their father must be proud.
That Pizza Place – Why do they even make these people work? They never do anything. The Meatballs stole bottles of wine and were drinking them in the shitter.
Ultimatums – OK, Vinny, Sitch has to change or he’s not welcome back to Jersey? You are in no position to make that call.
MVP – They are no more. Mike is out. It’s just VP now. Ronnie will never be asked to join.
Ronnie’s Dad’s mustache/Fake Ronnie – Their absences were definitely felt by this viewer. Especially Fake Ronnie…that guy better show up again in Jersey.
Ronnie’s Laugh – What’s up with that? It’s like he opens his mouth as wide as possible and then points at what he finds funny. Very irritating.
Julissa the reunion host – I assume that she is still horrible and asks the dumbest questions ever.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – I don’t even know where to start with this fucking guy. He’s a liar. He tried fighting all of Europe this season. His ability to make a great Sunday meal was overshadowed by his extreme shadiness. But the worst was his courtship of Snooki. I get it, Sitch finally fell in love. Yet he had no idea how to follow through with his feelings. It was good that he let her know how he felt. It was somewhat sad that she was all up in Jionni’s jock though. But his reaction to that was constantly reminding her, “REMEMBER WHEN YOU SUCKED MY DICK”. I liked Mike during the first three seasons. Now, I hope he gets sawed in half.

Nicole “Snooki” Pollizzi – It wasn’t even close this year. This was the Season of Snooks. She was drunk for 90% of the season and apologized for nothing. She got arrested (again). My favorite Snooks moment was when the girls were leaving to go to Tuscany and she farted in Sammi’s face. Doing the Lord’s work, Nicole, keep it up!

One more season left, people! Let’s head back to Jersey and put a big red bow on this delightful franchise. If you made it this far, congratulations, because this was a tremendous waste of time! YEAH BUDDY!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Ultimate Killing Machine

I'm back in Ohio.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: Florida is an awful place.  It rained hard the entire time we were there.  We literally did not see the sun.  Now, it's not like I had big plans to go running on the beach and hugging Carl Weathers after a big race while wearing plum-smugglers.  But it would have been nice to have options.  We had nothing. 

My brother-in-law, who we will call Joe because that's his first name and all, had it all planned out that we would play some golf.  I'm totes fine with this because I can't play golf in Ohio anymore.  Of course, this went to shit due to the unending down pour.  So we're sitting around the house on Monday trying to think of ANYTHING to do.  I actually volunteered to go to the store just to get out of the house as we were going to some MNF party for the Dolphins game that night.  On the way there, this conversation happened:

Joe: Man, I was starting to get cabin fever in there.  I was going to ask if you wanted to go to the shooting range.
G$:  Fuck yes.  Let's do it.

So we bought some wings for the evening and headed out to the range.  Now, I'm much more of an "aging hippie liberal douche" when it comes to guns than I am a "drunken inbred 'KEEP YOUR CHANGE' redneck".  I've never had any desire to shoot a gun or care to learn how or put myself in a position where I would need to carry one.  Yet I was so goddamn bored that firing off some rounds sounded like the greatest idea ever just because it was not in the house.

We walk into the range and I am immediately overwhelmed.  There's about a five foot long SHIT RUINER right inside the door.  Ammo and life-enders are everywhere.  Whoa, what did I get myself into here.  So we go up to the counter and Joe rents a 9 mm for me as he has his own.  I can't help but feel weird.  Here I am, staring at the thing that will end me 20 minutes from now.  There is some DUMBASS customer in there drooling over a silencer.  You should have seen this moron.  He was exactly the kind of stereotype you would expect to find at a gun store.

The employee gives us our targets, earwear, glasses, and ammo and points us into the shooting area.  I'm sweating like a banshee and having second thoughts.  I can't do this...I'LL SHOOT MY FUCKING EYE OUT.  Joe loads up my NINE for me, hooks up the target, sends it down, and tells me to go for it.  OMG, I'm a pussy yet it's time to pull the trigger.  I can't do this.  I'm a lover, not a paper murderer!  What if the kickback causes me to fall down and I shoot myself in the confusion?  My mom would be pissed!  Some other people further down the range fire and the noise causes me to shoot 8 gallons of James Brown Stains into my shorts.  Fuck it, let's do this.  Quit being a little bitch, you cunt, you've lead an average life anyway.  TIME TO BE A MAN!


Bad-fucking-ass!  Damn that felt cool as shit.  Time to bring the target back to see how I did.  OK, so I aim about as well as Harry Dunn in Dumb and Dumber, no biggie.  We've got more ammo anyway.  The most important thing is that THIS LITTLE BITCH JUST SHOT A GUN.  My aim got better as we went along and I learned how to load my hand cannon, too.  I've got to admit, I never saw myself doing ANYTHING like this but now that I have, someone get me a Ron Paul bumper sticker!  GUNS 4 EVERYONE!!!

I don't know if I'll ever do it again, but I can say that going to a shooting range is an awesome experience.  In fact, I would recommend this happen at EVERY bachelor party for the rest of my life.  Anyone can have dinner at a strip club, but spending 40 bucks to shoot shit for a half hour...tremendous.

So remember, peckers, the next time you try to talk shit to me, I am now THE ULTIMATE KILLING MACHINE.  And yes, the best part about holding a gun is quoting The Simpsons/NRA episode.  I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!  Needless to say, the King of England will not be harrassing me now.

Guns don't kill people.  I kill people.  Never forget that.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

And Your Next Buckeye Football Coach Is...

This guy!!!
I’m flying back from South Florida AKA Satan’s Butthole today and I needed an assist with the site. So I enlisted the help of some of the biggest Buckeye Football wankers to speak their mind. The topic? Pretty simple actually. Luke Fickell has obviously done a terrible job this season and has proven that even with sick talent all over the field (suspensions are no excuse), he is in way over his head. And thus it’s that time of year to start discussing who will be prowling the sidelines for the red and light charcoal in 2012. Two (or three) questions were sent out a few weeks ago and below that are the replies.

1. Who do you want to be the next Ohio State football coach?
2. If you answered "Urban Meyer" to question 1 (if not, proceed to question 3), say that Urban Meyer decides that broadcasting is what he wants to do, who is your next choice?
3. Who will be the next coach at Ohio State?

Li’l Strut (who does not understand what a “brief response” is and actually sent a SECOND more updated email to me…what an asshole)
1. Urban Meyer. He has Ohio ties, he understands the rivalries and tradition, and he would be an instant jolt of optimism and credibility to the team and recruiting efforts. This hire would also please the extremely important alumni base. The only downfalls with Meyer would be his health and how much he would want to pay his assistants.
2. Bo Pelini. Let’s be honest. Even if Meyer chose to come to OSU, he may only be there a few years, due to health issues. Bo Pelini is a very close second choice for me. Pelini is a former OSU football player with proven head coaching experience (unlike Fickell). He may not be as big of a name as Meyer, but he is young enough that he could build a program to his liking and stick around for a while. Not to mention, he would not cost as much.
3. Urban Meyer will be on the sidelines somewhere next year, and I truly believe that place will be Ohio State. One problem I see with Meyer to OSU is that OSU is probably not going to want to pay his assistants what he would like them to be paid. However, I think OSU will realize the need for a big name like Meyer to restore some of the respect to the program and will pay his assistants what he wants them to be paid. Now is not the time for OSU to be frugal, especially when OSU can afford not to be. Additionally, Meyer to OSU is gaining so much steam that more and more talking heads in the media, including those in Gainesville, FL and those who know Urban personally, are saying he will be at OSU next year. I think we will find out sometime in early December that the next Head Coach of The Ohio State University will be Urban Meyer.

Daniel (who clearly learned how to be brief and concise from Li’l Strut)
1. Honestly, I would like the next head coach at THE Ohio State University to be Urban Meyer. We need someone with some balls that's not affraid to go for the jugular. We need to get away from the Tressel tree because I think some of the current staff have become "comfortable" in their current positions (see Jim Bollman and Doc Tressel. Note, I can personally attest that neither of these guys belong coaching in big time college football). The whole offensive staff needs to go. I would retain Fickell (if he would accept) to stay on as a LB/Special Teams Coach. I don't think Heacock has any desire to be a HC, he found his niche of being a solid D-Coordinator, and he's good at it. Urban would bring a new attitude on the offensive side, something that THE Ohio State University desparately needs. We have the athletes (assuming no suspensions, which is not a given) to blow clowns like Toledo out 70-0, we need to get back to that. Speaking from experience, I always want a blow out so the scrubs can get some PT to help get some POOOONANY after the game.
2. If Urban wants to stay on the Broadcasting side, I would like to see them heavily pursue someone like Pat Fitzgerald or Bob Stoops. I don't think either would accept, but I mean you can only take Northwestern so far, and Stoops has the Ohio ties. I have to believe if you get Lex Wexner throwing some money around, we could get almost anyone we want. To be honest though, I would admire those guys more if they did not accept because it would show that they truly value the programs that they built more than money. I think Dick Rod may be available?
3. I think the next coach at The Ohio State University will probably be an under the radar that no one has really heard of before. It's THE Ohio State University's style, and it worked last time.

1. Urban Meyer. I originally said that I wouldn’t want Urban because of health issues and I would want somebody to there for awhile. But from what I’ve seen this year, a quick fix is what we need. Urban is the right man for that job. He also has some offensive creativity which has been sorely lacking and would be a good fit developing Braxton. Jim Bollman needs to be put out of his misery and be banned from entering a college football stadium ever again.
2. If Urban turns it down, I would go with FSU DC Mark Stoops. He has Ohio ties and has been doing a good job at FSU.
3. URBAN MEYER. If this season is going to be the disaster that it appears to be, we are going to need go for the home run hire and that is Urban. We are going to need someone that has instant credibility on the recruiting trail. We need someone who can stop the bleeding immediately. And OSU is going to throw a truckload of money at him, which will help make his decision a little easier.

Hoffman (who prefers to YELL WHILE TYPING)

Jeff Jess
1. I really want Urban Meyer as the next coach. Two national championships, good recruiter and with ties to Ohio / Ohio State.
2. If Urban decides to stay in broadcasting, I would prefer someone like Dan Mullen or Chris Peterson from Boise State (he's shown he can do a lot with the talent he has). I definitely do not want someone from the "Tressel tree"(Dantonio, Fickell). This next suggestion is somewhat of a joke but Mike Leach is available! At least with him we wouldn't have trouble scoring points.
3. Ultimately I think Urban Meyer does take the job, sometime shortly after our bowl game (if we have one).

1. Larry Kehres. I don't really care that he is 61. The guy can flat out coach, and he recruits smart people, not thugs. No one gave Tressel a chance when he came from YSU, except for maybe the mob up there who had grown accustomed to betting on (with) him, and chasing big names doesn't always work. With possible NCAA sanctions looming, grabbing a big name guy from another school like Peterson is going to be tough.
3. I see Gene Smith “Rooney Ruling” it and taking some black guy. Is Ty Willingham still alive? I hope not. But, I'll take this one step further. Fire Gene Smith, then have a new AD (Archie!), who would then pick a more suitable coach.

1. ???. I'm not going to be that guy (Beano Cook and every other wishful thinker) and say that Urban Meyer is coming to Ohio State. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see him come to The Ohio State and bring his sexy daughter Nicki Meyer with him but we both know that's not going to happen. Also, it's not going to be John Gruden, Bo Pelini or any member of the Stoops family so we need to get over that.
3. With that said, I'm going to go with Greg Schiano just because there's a reason he took his name out of the running for Michigan's coaching job twice now. If not, fuck it... give it to Hummer.

1. Urban Meyer. The best available coach out there, OSU connections, big enough name to make people forget about JT, experience recruiting in the souf, former BGSU coach... couldn't ask for more!
2. I don't have a next choice if Urban doesn't take the OSU job. If Urban doesn't take it, I'm sure OSU will hire somebody that I've never heard of, so it's not even worth throwing out a BS name like Gruden or Peterson.
3. Urban Meyer- there are just too many logical reasons why Urban will be the next coach to pick anyone else.

1. Urban Meyer. A couple national titles...Utah...Buckeye ties...instantly the best coach in the B1G...where do I sign up?
2. Chris Peterson. He has no Buckeye ties, which is not good. But, I'm a believer even with how Hawkins shit the bed in Colorado. I think Peterson is the real deal and I'm willing to take the gamble.
3. Skip Holtz. I refuse to let myself believe we are getting Urban, because it would just be too perfect and something is bound to fuck it up. Not even sure why I'm picking Holtz here, but I think it would be someone kind of off the radar a bit like him....also someone that will probably piss me off. Pretty much any coach not named Urban is going to piss me off, because every other coach will not be as good as Tressel was.

1. Urban Meyer
2. Chris Peterson. Dude can coach and his team is always ready to play in big games, not to mention he is able to do it without high profile recruits. I think he's ready for the big time, but doubt he would ever leave Boise.
3. Urban Meyer. The People's Champ!

G$ (because it’s my site and I will just answer #3)
3. Tim Beckman. Look at football and hoops, Ohio State never makes the EPIC hire. Beckman would be a solid hire for them…and their fans will hate it.  Just like when they hired Ol' Pants On Fire.

Agree? Disagree? Don't care? Fleshlight? It doesn't matter, just keep it civil. And quit bothering me while I attempt to join the Mile High Club by myself. I'll be back tomorrow (probably).

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

College Football: Week 1 BCS

                      "Your Little Brother is bigger than my Little Brother..."

Can you believe it's mid season (roughly) already?  It seems like only yesterday most of you shit pickles were on your periods about me taking over Tuesdays.  Memories.  Today I decided to switch things up a little and take a week off of the awards.  Instead, let's talk about this BCS thingy that everyone loves so much.  But first things first...Michigan vs. MSU as I promised.

There are two people to blame for what happened on Saturday, but before I get to that let me say this.  I'm not dumb (although some of you staunchly disagree with that statement).  I know Michigan has been playing well above their talent level pretty much all year and are lucky to be where they are considering the suffocating number of negative variables surrounding them.  New coaching staff, reconstructed offense, minimal talent on defense, transvestites on special teams, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.  You know the tragic tale.  The idea of going into East Lansing and stealing a win from a Spartan team that has shut down Michigan's offense in the recent past was pure delusion.  Was I pissed about the loss?  Of course.  A true fan always is.  Was I surprised?  Absolutely not.  The better team much as it pains me to say.  So painful I would accept a wet spray fart into my open mouth before muttering those words ever again.  Now that I'm done stroking off Sparty...let's play the blame game.

The first perpetrator is none other than everyone's favorite ex-Wolverine Mike Hart.  Or Senior Faggot, as I like to call him.  Let me tell you a story.  As soon as this game was over, and I mean literally as the last second was falling off the clock, I signed onto my Twitter account and started following Mike Hart.  Why?  So I could leave this on his page:

"Thank you for opening your fat, arrogant piece of shit mouth back in 2007 when you called MSU "little brother".  Michigan hasn't beat the Spartans since.  This is your fault, asshole."

I can't figure out why he hasn't responded yet.  In fact, I'm quite certain he went the estrogen route and removed the comment altogether (I can't find it as of today).  Bitch.  That's fine.  I got my shot in at his expense and I feel a bagillion times better.  I can see why most of America hates this twat chop.  He does an awful lot of jabbering for having done fuckin squat.  Nice career, moose knuckle.  Four useless years in the NFL followed up by an EMU assistant coaching job.  I bet that position REALLY makes a broad's snatch hot for black midget dick.  Mike Hart is about as useful as a bag of dog shit.

The second perpetrator is someone who works for me.  Here's a little snapshot into my life.  I am a crazy sports superstition guy.  I don't know why, I just am.  Deep in my brain I know my rituals help nothing but I do them anyway because I feel better at the end of the day.  It's dumb as fuck, I know.  SO...I have this Michigan polo that I wear to work on game days (if I'm working) or on Fridays (if I have Saturday off).  I'm not gonna bore you with the details, all you need to know is this mouth breathing Verlander worshiper called off on Saturday and I was the only one available to cover her superstition home wrecking ass.  (reader's note:  She was legitimately sick, but my blind rage after the game chose to ignore that fact.)

That meant I was wearing my polo a day early and in the process, publicly raping my weekly ritual.  I was already knee deep in mind warping work labors when I received that phone call on Friday telling me that she wasn't able to work on Saturday.  So a wardrobe shift was as possible as a pack of talking vaginas that sing 80's metal in perfect A Capella.  At that moment, and for several moments after, I wanted to suffocate her with some Jewish teenager's foreskin.  So that, combined with Mike Hart's trucker mouth was just too much voodoo to overcome in one week.  At that point I knew the Wolverines were doomed.  Even though the loss hurt like the dickens, I'm still happy with where this team is at...a shoe in for the Outback Bowl.  Now...let's talk BCS.

Yawn.  I wasn't surprised by anything.  The top 5 is totally fair considering the competition, but I was slightly surprised at Boise ahead of Wisconsin.  Slightly.  Nothing to throw used condoms about.  That's what people do when they get mad, right?  Blindly heave around one another's testicle juice?  Anyway, not that it even matters since Wisconsin is pretty much a lock for a Rose Bowl showdown with Stanford.  Does anyone else see more than 2 of the top 5 teams losing?  Because I don't.  Thanks a lot BCS.  There goes my Wisconsin National Title pick.  At least it wasn't as bad as Drew's preseason overrated pick of Oklahoma State.  How many losses was that again?  Four?  I think next week, it's necessary to travel back in time and revisit everyone's brainiac picks to find out who gets to be king of the dipshits.  Sound like fun?  Fuckin A right it does.  How does BCS week 1 look to all you dick lickers?  Comments?  Concerns?  Any predictions you would like to take back before next Tuesday?

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Worst of Week--GOODBYE TIGERS!!!

I was in an airport all damn day yesterday and that really pissed me off.  Football-less Sundays are the worst.  I did see that I nailed my pick of the Niners beating the Lions and thus Harbaugh made Schwartz look like a whiny little cunt (unfortunate but true).  From what I saw in the highlights though, there was no one even close to being as shitty as EL SEX CANNON.  That was a TrainRex performance.  The Eagles still blow.  Anyway, what can we talk about today...hmmmmm....

The Tigers are done!!!  They never belonged in the first place!!!  Imported from Detroit?  More like  "Exported from the postseason!"  Enjoy your pointless ALDS victory that means nothing.  You can cherish it along with your 2006 ALCS walk-off win that just got you 4 more losses.  1984!  1984!  See you losers again in 5 years!

UNWRITTEN IN THE STARS!  A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM A TITLE!  I'M ON MY WAY TO THE WELFARE OFFICE!  But we're going to take the low road today (for once) and continue to laugh at Tigers Trailer Park.  Enjoy G$'s list of offseason plans for the Tigers...

Brad Penny - back to a life of presiding over his lands in Tattooine while eating frogs

Austin Jackson - taking his propensity for strikes to the PBA...make Earl Anthony proud!  Austin Jackson fucking sucks.

Max Scherzer - with those eyes, the only thing left to do is go back to life as a supervillain

Jim Leyland - if he's not heading to a hospital first, donning the Camel head again seems apt

Miguel Cabrera - BEERFEST!!!  Or SCOTCHFEST!!!  Either way, he's gettin' fucked up and driving!  Definitely not enrolling at an Urban Active though

Jhonny Peralta - Spelling Bee?  He's been spelling his name wrong (and collecting cheap hits) for years

Brandon Inge and Ryan Perry - More ink on our forearms, please...we're classy!

Jose Valverde - Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?  I ate all the food but I'll dance around like an asshole for 99 cents.

Phil Coke - The beefy lefty should be a force on the competitive-eating circuit

Ernie Harwell and Jose Lima - not going anywhere

Justin Verlander - He'll do what he does every offseason...catch catfish with his bare hands AKA NOODLING!  By the way, HonkyTonkBadonkalander was simply better than average all postseason.  Fact.  I can't wait for this homo to blow out his arm.

Dut, Drew, and all the other Tigers fans that frequent this site - EVERYBODY BACK ON THE PILE!!!  You're all terrible!!!

The Detroirt Tigers are finally put out of their misery.  This feels right.  At least Drew still has the Pistons...  Add what you want in the comments.  I'll be hitting up a par 3 course at some point today.  1984!!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Open Forum: I Have Nothing

Dammit, Tigers, JUST LOSE ALREADY.  I have this tremendous post in the chamber waiting to be shot at the face of Tigers fans, yet I have to keep hanging on.  So expect that on Monday in lieu of the Worst Of post since, you know, the Tigers are still going to lose.  Take a look at that pic of Swanson, that is exactly how I feel.  I am not happy with them still playing and delaying great posts.

So here are a few random thoughts and maybe some weekend predictions:

Why the fuck would Jim Leyland tell the whole goddamn world that his best two relief pitchers were unavailable for game 5?  Not even an idiot like Unfrozen Caveman Manager would do that.

The Tigers are still done.  That is not up for debate.

We said it earlier and we'll say it again, WELCOME TO THE NFL, TERRELLE!!!  Beat Cleveland!  Go Raiders!

Anyone read Maurice Clarett's manifesto at Grantland earlier this week.  I actually liked it.  Obviously, the writing was atrocious because he isn't smart, but I appreciate that he's trying to atone for wasting his talent.

I like "Community" and all but I absolutely hate it when they do those "too smart" episodes like they did last night with the stupid timelines.  America is stupid, Dan Harmon, quit it.

Brandon Marshall's goal for Monday Night's game against the Jets is to get ejected in the 2nd quarter.  That's awesome on so many levels.  And B-Marsh is fucking insane.

One of these days, I'm going to write about the NBA taking the year of these days.  It will be a better post than you think.

Backup anOSU CB Dominic Clark is suspended this weekend for FIRING A BB GUN ON CAMPUS.  What a fucking dumbass.  Who thought that that was a good idea?  By the way, Fifteen Buckeyes have been suspended or held out of games this season due to NCAA or legal problems or breaking team rules.  Quality program you've got there.  Hire Urban Meyer, and that 15 becomes 30+.

Michigan over Sparty by 6.  Illinois over Ohio State by 17.  The Niners send the Lions to the loss column.  The Skins get revenge over the Eagles and effectively end their season.  Dallas beats New England in a fairly sizable upset.

I might as well end this post by making a fairly large announcement.  I have decided that I'm going to try out for Big Brother next summer.  I mean, seriously, can you imagine how awesome I'd be on'd be furiously masturbating constantly.  I'm super serial though, I've cleared it with the wife and everything.  I'm going to get my ass on reality TV.  I don't care what it takes.  G$ is about to become a mega-star.  I'll be hanging out with Pauly D, The Miz, and Puck in no time.  BULEE DAT!

Alright, that does it for me as I'm off to Florida after NW's brother's weddin' on Saturday.  We've got posts covered up until Thursday when I return.  Peace in the Middle East.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

First Order of Business: Sign Chet Steadman!

Fudgesicles > Pudding Pops
Is it possible to talk about baseball doins-a-transpirin’ without mentioning either of the two championship series? Well, we’re going to give it a shot because the off-field is more interesting and also no one of significance still cares about the games. There are two topics that I want to discuss today actually. First up is how much Brad Penny and Judson Birdshit look alike. They are practically twins! I’m sorry, that wasn’t one of them.

*Theo Epstein is leaving one terrible franchise for another
I guess him leaving Boston should come as no surprise since he is the guy that signed JD Drew, Crawford, and John Lackey. The luster was starting to wear off the “delicate genius”. He had to pay for those deals. But taking your talents to Wrigley? Whew, that is sort of a lot to digest. I mean, he had to make a move soon. You don’t want to end up like Billy Beane where after a few years, no one wants you anymore. Theo couldn’t really accomplish much more in Boston anyway. He won 2 f’n World Series in that town! He’d done enough. I sort of get the feeling, as the dysfunction of the 2011 Red Sox keeps trickling out (drinking beers during games!), Theo is right to get out of there now. By the way, the Red Sox are about to be a dumpster fire again because there is NO ONE out there that can compare to Francona and Theo. Eat shit, Jeff.

So why take the Cubs job? Clearly, he has an ego and believes that his magic touch can cure all. Maybe he’s right, I don’t know. If he were able to field a team that ended curses in both Boston and Chicago, holy shit, he would be God. Not a God, THEE God. And it’s not like Jim Hendry left big shoes to fill anyway…except for maybe his clown shoes that he’d worn everyday for years.

But the Cubs GM gig is an awful job. It really is. There are MAYBE 5 guys on the roster that you can build a successful team around. The dead weight on that team could (insert snappy analogy that currently escapes me). Other than Castro, there are zero prospects in the organization. I mean, seriously, have the Cubs put a dime into development over the past decade? Once they brought up Kerry Wood and Mark Prior it’s like they decided to call it quits. They are pretty much stuck with their roster until these god awful contracts run out. Mike Quade still needs to be fired, too (maybe hire Paul Konerko!). This franchise, even with good management now, is still going to SUCK for another 4 or 5 years. That is a fact. I would suggest for Cubs fans to be patient but what’s another 5 years when you’ve waited 103 (and counting!) anyway? In conclusion, great hire…but still mountains of shit to blow up on the north side of town.

*Wait—what? The Reds are shopping Joey Votto?
This is one of the sad realizations in baseball: a small market team hits a home run in the draft, cultivates that guy into an MVP, but ultimately can’t afford him beyond his rookie contract. It sucks, but that’s life. Votto is due for a massive pay raise soon (18-20 mill per year) but the Reds can’t do that with their 75-80 million budget. It makes no sense for them financially but at least they have that Alonso guy coming up as a replacement. Buster Olney (who I love by the way) doesn’t say that the Reds are actively seeking trade partners, but they are listening to those that call. Interesting. It’s not everyday when a guy with that kind of talent comes available. I heard Buster say that the Yankees are interested in him as a RF. WTF? You know though, there isn’t that much room out there in right and with Posada’s 10 mill coming off the books and possibly not picking up Swish’s option, there’s your Votto money/extension. The Reds would probably want Montero, Banuelos, and Nova though. I don’t think so, Tim. I’m one of the few Yankees fans out there that wants us to stop spending money and start developing the next CORE FOUR. But here are a few destinations where I think Votto could land along with trade scenarios:

Anaheim: Ervin Santana, Mike Trout, etc.
San Francisco: Madison Bumgarner, Jonathan Sanchez, and Brandon Belt
Washington: They have an assload of sick prospects…maybe something based around Drew Storen
Toronto: Ricky Romero and Brett Lawrie, etc.

I think the Jays deal is almost too perfect. Joey is Canadian. The Jays have a ton of money to spend in a 4th largest market. Lawrie is going to be a stud 3B and thus makes Rolen expendable. Votto and Bautista back-to-back would be a goddamn nightmare. Romero and Cueto is a pretty nasty young front end of the rotation (could go toe-to-toe with Carpenter/Wainwright). Tell me how this doesn’t make sense, I dare you! Yeah, that about covers it for today. If you want to talk about either series, fire away. I don’t particularly give a shit. I just wanted to hit a few relatively huge stories in the world of baseball.

By the way, Hulk Hogan was on The Herd yesterday (for some reason) and called the host “Colin Cowhead”. Still a legend…

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Nobody Ever Asks Me How I'm Doing...

Hello, Frankie!  Don't worry, it will make sense in a little bit.
Today is going to be a little different. It will be a bit more personal in nature. I rarely get too much into my life (because it’s boring) but that’s what you’re getting this morning. Mostly, this is just going to be a collage of stupid short stories and pet peeves. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. In fact, ain’t nothin’ we can do about this time!

1. Now that I’m growing older and STILL married, I have less and less to look forward to and my social life is fairly unimpressive. Take this past Friday for example: I got off work, got swollen at the gym while loading up on Powersauce bars (I unleashed the awesome power of apples), went to the store to buy Drano since we have a slow drain, and picked up Chinese food (Lee’s Asian Grill and Noodle on Holt Rd in the old Fazoli’s is solid). But after all of that fun, I really enjoy the Friday night Boise State games. I wish that they played all of their games on Friday. I like Joe Tessitore and Rod Gilmore, too. MORE FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PLEASE. I don’t understand why more teams don’t do this. Why doesn’t Indiana play all of their home games on Friday nights? High school football in that state is stupid and no one watches them on Saturdays anyway. Makes sense to me.

2. I mentioned this in the DFL Chat on Sunday but it bears repeating. She$ was out in the front yard doing something related to landscaping while I watched football topless. I looked out the window and noticed a trashy older lady on a motorized scooter walking with her daughter down the sidewalk. I should probably mention that the daughter was holding a parrot for some reason. “Hey Ma, get your Rascal ready because we gots to take Polly for a walk!” The whole time, I’m sitting there saying “Please talk to the wife, please talk to the wife” and they did! Diabetty and Koko She Ware were discussing flowers with the wife. She$ later came in and told me that the daughter (Koko She Ware) had noticed something in our flowers or whatever that was crooked and she wanted to straighten it but I was sitting in the recliner and she didn’t want to make me mad. THAT’S RESPECT, PEEPS. Even the criminally insane don’t want to fuck with me. Seriously though, who walks a goddamn bird?  My dumbass neighbors, that's who.

3. If you recall, my birfday was a few weeks ago. I have been trying to establish with my sister that all I want is a bottle or two of booze. Last year, she shipped me a bottle of Jack and one of the Goose. It was awesome. This year, she must have forgotten because I got an e-gift card to Amazon. I don’t know what to get. They probably don’t sell alcohol. I’m too dumb to buy books. CDs and movies are for turds. Any ideas? Does Amazon sell fleshlights? I kind of want a fleshlight. I GUARANSHEED that someone who comments here owns a fleshlight (Naptown Wolverine?). And yes, the topic of fleshlights came up in the DFL Chat last week.

4. Here’s a driving tip to shitty drivers out there. If it’s a three lane highway and you are in the middle, more often than not, you can pass in the right lane. I hate this and it happened to me three times last weekend. Semi in the middle, SUV veers into the left lane going 68 mph, even though there is no one off to the right, and then I have to run the 3 man weave to dodge your shitty merging. It’s weak, I tell you. And trust me on this as I am an experienced rush hour driver, you can do more passing in the right lane than you can the left. The left lane is overrated and filled with shitheads who think that 70 mph is an acceptable speed. It is not. Right lane, people, it’s the new left lane.

5. Speaking of driving (and I believe that this will effect Drew if not a few others), I-270 from pretty much Roberts Rd to I-71 (both ways) will be a goddamn disaster for the time being due to construction. Why? Because ODOT hasn’t done SHIT to the road since the 19-fuckin-80’s (per the Dispatch…ELITE newspaper)! Now there will be daily lane closures! And guess how long this is expected to take? THREE YEARS. Three years on this highway job. Boy, I can’t wait for winter to come. That will surely make this bullshit even more fun. Ohio fucking sucks. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. I’ll tell you one thing…I’m tickled fucking pink that I don’t have to go to Polaris anymore.

6. As far as the new job goes, whatever, it’s fine. But I have been seeing something extremely disturbing recently. They have a big ass coffee machine that provides me with free caffeine every morning. I would be a fool to pass it up. At least once a week though, I run into this weirdo back there who is using the microwave…to make scrambled eggs…in one of those deli lunch-meat tubs…and cooks it in the microwave…and takes it out to whisk with a fork while adding a Kraft single…which is even more disgusting…then puts it back in the microwave to cook…to make “cheesy” “scrambled” eggs in the microwave. It makes me gag. One day she classed things up by adding those little ham cubes. I hate eggs anyway but this has to be the most white-trashiest way to prepare them ever. I think they’re called Huevos Verlandos. Hey egg eaters out there, tell me that this isn’t the most disgusting thing ever. Microwaved. Government-cheesy. Scrambled eggs.

7. Finally, and on a more serious note, I’m probably going to lose my grandma in the next few weeks. It’s sort of inevitable now. However, I will be in south Florida from the 16th through the 19th. That’s this weekend/week by the way although I absolutely hate Florida. If she passes away while I’m gone and I need to leave early to get back, how do I go about doing this? Has anyone ever had to do something similar before? Would the airline accept our tickets back and trade for something earlier? I feel like they would try to fuck me because they are assholes. I don’t know how this works. I don’t want to haggle with the priest for a death certificate while Timmy bitches at me for double-dipping a chip. This feels like something that Grumpy could assist with.

That about covers it. Oh, to GSaul, Ide, and Dut, I am fully aware that I still owe you fantasy baseball winnings. I will likely be on campus on the 22nd and 29th so let me know if you’ll be around and I’ll make sure I have your cash. Cash equals no paper trail.  You know where my office is…it used to have human shit on the floor.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

College Football Week 6

                        "And you can suck on these Big Ten nuts, faggots."

What's up cock warts?  This week all things Big 10 will be touched on in the intro and outro.  Welcome back evil Denard.  Those three first half interceptions were fucking masterful.  Each one was more horrifically shitty than the previous.  Hopefully Borges can find a way to keep you hidden forever...the same way Dave Thomas successfully kept his beast face whale of a daughter Wendy hidden for the majority of her life.  If anyone ever wondered what a strict diet of beef looks like, well here it is.  Drink it in fellas.  Jesus Christ, talk about false advertising.  I would at least accept a hand job from the ginger in pig tails you see on every building.  Wait..she's 18, right?  But you can keep the boar that could shut down a buffet away from me.  I bet her ham wallet smells like a Baconater.  Extra cheese.  While I go throw up my stomach lining, here are some awards.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Landry Jones (Oklahoma)

I've been doing a lot of Jones/Oklahoma bashing lately but for good reason.  They haven't played shit all year and it's hard to get pumped about Jones' numbers while caving in Ball State's anus.  When they did play a good team (or what we thought was a good team in FSU), Jones sucked the high, hard one.  Now, let's be true to ourselves. Texas probably isn't any good because male homosexuals aren't that good at contact sports.  That's what I've been told anyway.  Steers and queers?  Isn't that the state motto of Texas?  So we have to wait and see how this performance looks at the end of the year.  But in the mean time I'll throw some love out right now.  This was a big game, a tough rivalry and Jones came out of the gates inspired.  I'm also treating this as a back handed compliment to Jones, so I still win in the end.  Being a pussy magnet in Oklahoma isn't something to celebrate.  I bet the best looking chicks have dried trucker sperm crusted around their bellybuttons and smell like a county fair deep friar.  Southern girls have even lower standards then whores who spread the snatch for a pill fix.  Good luck finding a broad with all her teeth, Landry.

Colostomy Bag Award - All of the Florida Gator's quarterbacks

What the fuck happened in Baton Rouge Saturday?  This is the best you've got to throw out there, Muschamp?  A limp dicked Freshman who couldn't even manage 100 passing yards?  John Brantley is a walking piss stain and will go down as one of the worst QBs in the history of Florida football...and you would have been better off if he played on Saturday.  Yeah,'s LSU and those aren't Muschamp's recruits.  Don't care.  Shit, Mississippi State kept it closer against LSU than Florida did.  And no one in that state can read.  Or breathe without sweating like Charlie Weis at The House of Meats.  There had to be something else Slick Willie could have done to keep it more competitive than 41-11.  I don't the cheerleaders to be topless the entire second half, get Billy Blanks to start shooting defenders like he did in The Last Boyscout, fucking coach better.  Something.  When you step in for a guy like Urban Meyer, you don't get passes for games like this.  I'm sorry, but you just don't.

I Guess You're Okay Award - David Wilson (Virginia Tech)

I usually make it a point to hate all things Virginia Tech.  It's just a part of my daily routine.  And just like scratching my ballsack after a fresh groom of the fingernails, it's something I really enjoy doing.  Like all the other things I hate, I really don't have a good reason.  Maybe I don't like the way Beamer's fake rubber neck-chin jiggles like belly fat whenever he moves or talks.  Maybe I don't like the mind bending nightmares the chin skin gives me.  Maybe I hate the entire state of Virginia for their loose regulations on stuff like incest, hygiene and bestiality.  Maybe I hate Asian terrorists that go on a shooting rampage because they grew tired of mother beating them with a rolling pin because the leaves didn't get raked.  Whatever the reason, I've always despised Virginia Tech.  But I like Wilson.  Go figure.  He runs hard, doesn't do a whole lot of talking and flies under the radar despite the great season he's having.  He's a huge reason why the Hokies are 5-1 instead of 3-3.  But if he's the reason their record is better...shouldn't I hate him?  I don't know what to do now...

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)

Gaaaaaaah!  Fuck.  I tried.  I wanted to avoid all things Big 10 this week but I just can't help myself.  Fitzgerald is the asshole's asshole.  Watching this walking bulging neck vein get flagged for sprinting to midfield in a hurricane of wild fury to argue a call at a pivotal point in the game was a God damn work of art.  Temper, temper Patrick.  "He coaches with PASSION!"  No, he coaches like a coked up sociopath.  A thousand dollars says Pat goes home after losses, stands in front of a full body mirror naked and tests his manhood by seeing how many punches to the marble bag it takes until he passes out.  Real men watch themselves piss blood in the nude.  The good news is that it'll only take three broken fingers until his second grader finally takes home the Spelling Bee Championship.  We don't tolerate losers in the Fitzgerald family, Pat's Kid.  Whatever the fuck your guaranteed homo name is.  Probably something next level gay, like Sabastian.  I hope all his boys end up on the gymnastics team...or in gay porn.

For Realsies Award - Arkansas

Apparently there is more to Arkansas than meth labs and poverty.  I'll be honest, I really didn't expect a whole lot out of Ar-Kansas now that Mallett is wolfing down massive amounts of narcotics in the NFL.  There's a couple mildly impressive wins on the schedule so far and while I don't think they're a lock to run the table, they might have enough to help play spoiler for a national title hopeful and sneak into a BCS bowl at the same time.  They're a long shot to beat LSU this year, but who knows what could happen going into that game.  The SEC is super serial tough and any of the top half can take anyone out at any time.  Tyler Wilson has looked great so far and I think he has the talent to make Arkansas matter in the end.  Just keep him out of the brothels Mallet highly recommended and you should be fine.

This is My Shocked Face Award - West Virginia

Nothing in West Virginia is as it seems.  Ever.  That chick you fucked last night while visiting your cousin on the WVU campus wasn't hot or even a chick.  It only seemed that way because your entire body had fallen victim to a moonshine utopia.  That's why people in West Virginia pound gallons of that shit...because the reality of that state is a lot more depressing than the drunken fictional paradise that has been created.  Even the game against LSU was a mirage.  People who watched a few minutes of that game were most likely under the impression the game was close.  They were also under the impression that every West Virginia woman is born without a moustache.  Erroneous on both accounts.  The Big East is as fraudulent and mind numbingly boring as ever.  I've already spent too much time talking about it.  They're lucky they got this much out of me.

It wouldn't be a college football post if I didn't mention a single thing about OSU's violent collapse against Nebraska.  Holy pelvic thrusting!  I bet that loss really makes the butthole pucker.  It's games like this you wish you just got fuckin blown out.  You can pin this whole thing on Bauserman, Buckeye fans.  He just oozes failure.  It's impossible to spend that much time around a loser and not emulate the behavior.  Look at the Indians (hey!  I talked about baseball!).  That's my theory of what happened with Ohio State's defense on Saturday.  Bauserman infected the entire team by breathing his sour, shit odor onto every last soul on that sideline.  He's just a festering, cancerous boil residing on the hairy buttcheek of a high school janitor named Horace.  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a yellow-green loser fog that was hovering over the sideline that night.  Enjoy your season, guys.  It's already over.  As I promised, there's some variety for you.  Enjoy, queers.