Friday, September 30, 2011

Blogmageddon: We All Knew It Would Come To This

I turn 31 today. Do you want to know how I’m celebrating? I’m going to have shepherd’s pie for the first time ever at some pub tonight and then I’m going to watch UC murder the RedHawks tomorrow. That’s it. Birthdays are absolutely fucking worthless. My parents sent me some money. I bought a 40 pound bag of dog food, a big bone for the dog so he wouldn’t bother me tonight, and a 5 pack of Hanes lay flat collar t-shirts (with one free shirt!). Time to grow out my Hitler ‘stache just like MJ! No bacon neck for this fucker! Again, birthdays are fucking awful.

Since I’m not getting anything of substance anymore (and have accepted this fate), I am going to look to the heavens and ask for things to happen in my favor.
1. The Redskins beat the Cowboys on Monday Night. The Redskins beat the Rams then. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to ask for this though.
2. Miami beats UC on Saturday (will absolutely not happen)
3. The Yankees send the Tigers home. I’m not even asking for a World Series win because that would be greedy. I just want the residents of Food Stamp Nation to be silenced. Preferably forever but I’ll accept an ALDS defeat instead.
I don’t know who the hell I expect is listening to or answering these requests (maybe Santa Claus?), but I would like them to happen anyway. I might even be willing to share a Hanes undershirt with anyone helping out with #3.

Anyway, time for some Division Series predictions. Yes, I have compared each series to an adult film star. If you would like to “bone” up on your knowledge of porno, might I suggest Mr. Ace’s treasure trove of info or my Live Journal of the 2011 AVN Awards. Both posts are safe for work (I think). On second thought, you better not. I could use the site hits though so click away.

The Nina Hartley Series AKA “I respect that they’ve made it this far and I’ll watch if nothing else is on, but only if nothing else is one” – Cardinals vs. Phillies
Tony LaRussa is an asshole. Just once I want to see what his ears look like. I guarantee that they’re creepy as fuck. This one won’t take long. Phillies in 3.

The Gracie Glam Series AKA “This is fairly intriguing to me as both teams are fun to watch and could be the future of the industry with some saavy business decisions” – Diamondbacks vs. Brewers
This could be pretty damn fun as long as neither team plays scared and nervous. Gallardo/Greinke and Kennedy/Hudson is pretty much a wash to me. Damn, I kind of think that the D-Backs are going to advance here, but I sort of picked the Brewers to win the NL. I’ll take Milwaukee in 5 with the home teams winning every game.

The Eva Angelina Series AKA “I’ve seen this before…I’ve liked it before…I will watch it…but it’s still old hat by now. I feel like I know these teams TOO well much like I know Eva’s soiled spectacles” – Rays vs. Rangers
I thought that this was going to be a great series last year and it was putrid. Texas is hot as shit right now but so are the Rays. If the Rays were smart, they would start Matt Moore in game 1 instead of Jeff Niemann or Wade Davis. Who knows, by the time this posts, Maddon may have announced this anyway. I will never ever admit that Texas has good starting pitching. Revenge time…Rays in 4

The Amy Reid Series AKA “The only series that truly matters due to its sexiness and killer body” – Tigers vs. Yankees
OK. I am of the belief that every time I open my mouth and start talking shit, those same damn words get shoved back in my face. So I’m not going to do it. I'm so serious about this that I'm not even going to take any shots at your game 1 starter!  I’ve said a bunch of times before that I was hoping that we would draw Texas. Now that that is not an option, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. Most teams don’t have success pitching in Yankee Stadium against our lefty-heavy lineup with only RHP. This sort of makes us a bad matchup for Detroit if you think about it. Here are a couple other things that I’m looking for in this series:
1. The Yankees will not let Miguel Cabrera beat them. This I am sure. Someone else is going to have to do it.
2. The world will hopefully be introduced to Jesus Montero in this series. The ball jumps off this 21 year old’s bat just like it does for Cabrera. He’s going to be a good stick in the bigs, I just hope that Girardi plays him in every game.
3. Speaking of which, Joe Girardi will do at least 2 or 3 stupid things. But you already knew that.
4. After the aces, both pitching staffs are totally question marks. Girardi has announced that he is going with a 3 man rotation for this series (GOOD ANSWER, Unfrozen Caveman Manager!). While I don’t know what to expect from Nova, Fister, and Scherzer on such a large stage, I’m pretty confident that Freddy Garcia will give a quality start just based on experience.
5. Game 1 is ridiculously important. Whoever wins tonight, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, has about a 90-95% chance to win this series
6. REVENGE.
Sorry, but I’m not making a prediction here. I feel better about this series than I did a week ago. I’d say that I’m 55% certain that we advance to the ALCS. Like I said though, whoever loses tonight is fucked.

UPDATE:  God-fucking-dammit!  Dumbass Girardi has announced that none other than Jorgible Posada will DH this series instead of better options like Montero, Chavez, and Andruw Jones.  Nobody hits flamethrowers better than a guy with gray hair apparently.  This is so stupid.  FIRE GIRARDI!  Tigers in 1 is my new prediction.

We better win. The Tigers deserve some payback for how they and their fans embarrassed the game 5 years ago after the Division Series. No one wants to see that shit again. NO ONE! Happy Birfday to me and GO YANKEES!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bob Holt Say WHAT?

Football coach or Prince of Darkness?
Goddamn wild card races have really thrown a wrench in my plans. In case you were unaware, tomorrow is Lacey Chabert, Tory Lane, and G$’s birthday. I like to use this as an excuse to mail-in a blog post. I was going to just throw up a mash-up video of Amy Reid facials and my extra point conversion (best idea for a video ever eventhough I have no idea how to create a video) but nooooooooooooooo…stupid baseball and my need to predict things got in the way. So now I have to analyze Matt Harrison’s season splits on my birthday when all I really want to do is watch young Amy get creamed. It’s not fair!!!
Anyway, I guess I should post something today. And much like every good blogger looking for inspiration, my first stop was the always insightful NewJerseyNewsroom.com! The site’s motto just kills me: “OUR STATE. OUR NEWS.” New Jersey is awful in every way. But something did catch my eye courtesy of possible juiced-up gorilla reporter, Bob Holt:

One of the biggest names being heard as an early favorite to take the Ohio State coaching job in 2012 is that of ESPN analyst and former head coach of Florida Urban Meyer.
Meyer may have other ideas. He is said to have interest in succeeding Joe Paterno, 84, as Penn State coach. Onwardstate.com reports that Meyer met with Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley and University President Graham Spanier while he was at Penn State recently for an ESPN interview.

Wait—WHAT? Is this a real thing? Most people have Urban “buying a house in Upper Arlington” already (which is totes not true, peeps). Is there a growing section of people out there who believe in "Urban going Rural"? See what I did there? I made a joke about population and land demographics. You don’t get that kind of edgy humor at NewJerseyNewsroom.com.  That's back-to-back days of great jokes.  Call me, Jay Leno, I will write you fresh, witty, and horseshit monologues!

I don’t want this to turn into a comment section where everyone debates who the next Buckeye coach will be (that is for a later date, trust me). But I am curious to see if anyone is buying this. Can you see Urban Meyer coaching Penn State in 2012? At first, I rolled my eyes and LOL’d my anus off, but now I’m not so sure that it would be a bad move. For a few reasons actually:
1. As far as we know, there are no sanctions from the NCAA coming like there could be at other options.
2. The velcro shoes aren’t really that big to fill. Everyone on the planet has known for a decade that Meyer is a better coach than Paterno.
3. He could finally do something that JoePa couldn’t do and that is fire Tom Bradley and that redheaded asshole who is terrible at calling an offense.
4. There is no Drew or Dut in State College (as far as I know).

So I guess I could see it. I don’t know how likely the great Bob "Grenade Launcher" Holt’s scenario is, but it’s sure as shit more interesting than PSU bringing in a turd like Greg Schiano.

I am firmly of the belief that Meyer will not coach again. I will always believe that he shouldn’t come back (years of medical school has afforded me this expert opinion on his health). But I have been lead to believe that if he did return to the sidelines and have more heart attacks, it would be in Columbus. Now, I’m not so sure. He appears to have options.  Or maybe he has fallen in love with being the third member of ESPN's D-team? Thoughts?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hump Day Hump: Buenos Noches, Oswaldo

Clean up your skeet, Spiderman.
There really isn’t anything going on that draws my ire at the moment, so how about dipping back into our old Wednesday staple, The Hump Day Hump? But first—a question! So I’m responsible for taking the dog for “night walk”. She$ takes him around the ‘hood after work and I go three hours or so later to make sure he has no energy left. It never fails that I will be walking along and out of nowhere one strand of spider web will plaster itself to my forehead. It happens every time. That shit is nasty. I immediately freak out because, you know, how is this even possible? This web/stringy type thing appears to be attached to nothing! I guess I just assume that it is spider related, maybe it isn’t though. Someone call up a scientist and tell me what this shit is because if I find out that Tobey Maguire is jacking off on my face, I’m going to be furious. And I will never stop being disgusted when I run into that stuff either. Anyway, on to GSaul’s favorite post structure…

Now Ozzie will never learn English – This sort of snuck in as news the other night but Ozzie Guillen (a manager) was “traded” to the Marlins for two low level prospects. What the fuck? I mean, it makes sense. Ozzie was doing a terrible job for the last few years and needed a new home and he was going to get fired anyway, but why would the Marlins agree to this? If they waited a month, they could have got this Cholo without giving up anyone. And how do you just trade your manager?  Shouldn't he have to go through waivers or something?  Or in Ozzie's case, WAIVOS RANCHEROS!  LOL!!!  OMG, that is one of the three greatest jokes that I've ever written!!!  Oh well, it should be a smooth transition for Ozzie as he can easily go from calling Jay Mariotti a faggot to Dan LeBatard. By the way, has anyone watched that guy’s new show? I bet that it’s terrible.  Whatever...just don't leave the Midwest before you aerate my yard, pindajo.

Gurgle, Tony Romo, swallow, repeat – Can you see why normal people hate Tony Romo now? Did you watch the Monday Nighter? NOW do you see why that booth is an abortion? Statistically, Romo had a worse game than Rex. Did Rex get any love at all from the booth? Not from what I heard. He doesn’t really deserve it, but if Jaws is going to blame a tight end for Romo under-throwing an end zone pass by 20 feet and Gruden is going to say it was the best game of Romo’s career in which he never got his team into the end zone, then Grossman should get some props. I didn’t realize that berating your teammates on the field or not being able to tell your center what the snap count is makes you some sort of tremendous leader. It’s pretty easy to hate Romo once you realize that everyone tries to make excuses for him and wants to call him clutch now after he pissed away that Jets game just TWO WEEKS AGO. But then again, I will never understand the simple joys of Tony’s boy-ish good looks and love for bachelor party hide and seek games. Fuck him. Jaws and Gruden are an embarrassment to an already embarrassing profession.

I guess anyone can get a statue these days – The Indians are building a statue for Jim Thome outside of Insurance Field. Hmmmm, I’m not saying that Jim isn’t worthy of a statue but…I guess I don’t know what I’m saying exactly. Tribe fans hated him for years because their front office convinced them that their offer of 24 million dollars less than Philly’s was equal. Here’s a thought: there wouldn’t be a statue at all if his name was Jaime Thome or Jim Gomez. I know this because Albert Belle and Manny did just as much (if not more) for those Indians teams and all they have are unspoken bans from the game!

Canadian racism is hilarious – The Flyers were playing a preseason game somewhere up in Canada. They have a big black dude named Simmons (or something) on their team. At one point, a fan chucked a banana on the ice. This is really funny to me. “Look at that big ape OOT there…making a mockery out of OUR game, buddy. I’ll show him. (hurls banana) GO BACK TO NIGERIA, GUY!” Hockey is awesome. And it is totes bullshit that James “Mr. Wiz” Wisniewski got suspended for the first 8 games of the year for a hit on some fag named Cal. Bettman still trying to screw the Jackets…

It’s funny because he can’t read – How dumb do you have to be to not qualify for college if you are a stud athlete? Apparently, if you are future(?) Buckeye baller LaQuinton Ross, the answer is VERY DUMB. We’ll have to find out in the comments if this guy is any good or not but I just like to point and laugh at people with more talent than me but don’t know how to print their name.

The Hub is an incredible network – She$ and I were watching an old Family Ties episode the other week (as well as the Wonder Years, butthead!) when out of the blue comes a Tom Hanks appearance. And he was playing Uncle Ned…who was an alcoholic. He was so drunk that he chugged a bottle of vanilla extract in front of Marty McFly. It was one of the best TV episodes I’ve ever seen. Drunk Uncle Ned > Forrest Gump. Speaking of the Hanks family, I can’t wait for Dexter to murder Colin Hanks this season.

I think that that about covers it for today. Let’s keep rooting for the Red Sox collapse. Tomorrow feels like a Division Series Prediction post where I will try to incorporate pictures of adult film stars (and succeed). So you’ve got that to look forward to.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

College Football Week 1 (AB)

                          "Care to let a Southern Gent tear up that pussy?"




Welcome to college football week 1 AB (After Bauserman).  I hope G$ and Grumpy enjoyed doing body shots out of each other's bellybuttons while watching the Fighting Scabies of BGSU whip the ass of the Miami RedTaints this past weekend.  We don't know exactly what happened but we can assume it was something sexual since G$ was shirtless and drunk dialing Grump on the way home from the game.  How do you lose to the Alma mater of Shaun Schweeesham?  Did Josh Harris come back for his 6th senior year?  While Grump and G$ lick each other penis wounds, let's hand out some awards.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Trent Richardson (Alabama)

First off, I'm trying not to have repeat winners here.  That's why RG3 isn't shoving his award into many, many white girl holes again.  Having said that, am I the only one that think Trent Rich is not getting nearly enough pub (what the kids call it) these days?  I feel like no one really talks about the killer season he's putting together.  He's tied for 4th in touchdowns, is 13th in rushing yards, yet only has 67 (31st) carries on the year.  He also catches very well out of the backfield.

Merril Hoge:  FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK....

Iceman:  Wha...how the fuck did you get in here?  Go eat your pudding before I lock you in the attic again.

Anyway, with Richardson finally out from behind the hairy, pungent, sloping foreheaded shadow of Mark Ingram he's getting a chance to really showcase his NFL caliber skill set.  He's also a big reason why Alabama is in the top 5.  Let's give him a white girl to cream pie tonight.  He's earned it.

Colostomy Bag Award - Denard Robinson's Right Arm (Michigan)

Okaaaaaaaaay, asshole!  Time to pull your dreadlocks out of your beef hole.  What an absolute fucking joke his passing game has looked like...ALL YEAR.  Make him a running back already and get it over with.  Quarterbacks aren't supposed to have dreads anyway.  They're supposed to be 6'5, 230 pounds with a laser rocket arm, down syndromey/stroke face and a giraffe neck that will need 3 surgeries 15 years from now.  Why does Robinson even have a right arm?  That's right, so he can hold onto the football with TWO hands when he takes off running.  I thought this offense was centered around the idea that Denard became a better passer in the off season.  Instead he looks like a black Chad Henne without the sweet leopard tattoo.  Completely off the subject, if you want a good laugh watch a Denard Robinson interview.  The unintentional comedy scale is through the roof.  It's like he's fucking five.

I Guess You're Okay Award - Justin Blackmon (OSU)

For a long time I've had my reservations about Blackmon.  His potential to stab a stripper in the vagina with a Hostel torture device created by a Japanese scat porn director is through the roof.  But his potential to be a stone cold killer at the next level is even higher than that.  I've always felt this scenario is a mortal lock to play out:  You know those drunk driving commercials where the guys get pulled over driving shit canned while completely submerged in alcohol?  Hilarious, right?  Replace the booze with blow and replace the white dude with the receding hairline with Blackmon.  Now increase the speed of the vehicle 10 fold.  Now have Dez White riding shotgun...while holding a shotgun.  Don't act like I'm crazy, you see it too.  Despite all of that, I like him.  Probably because I love watching talented college wide receivers with mommy issues destroying their lives when they get pornstar money in the NFL.

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)

It's about time I came clean.  I am public enemy numero uno in Spurrier hatred.  I want his head on a stake in my front yard like I'm a Swedish fisherman from 8,000 years ago.  Don't ask why because there isn't a clear cut explanation on deck.  I've never been a Florida, SC, or anything SEC fan and have no real motivation behind this.  He's just one of those guys.  We all have them.  The people you look at and think, "GOD!  What I would fuckin give for just one solid blind cold cock or sudden throat strike.  They just have that constant fucktard look about them and nothing they say or do can ever change it.  Spurrier's liver spotted body was created in the fiery, cursed uterus of Medusa forged from the scalding, horned sperm of Lucifer himself.  If you were unfortunate enough to be forced into a handshake with the Ol' Pedophile you would immediately wash your hands like people did with AIDS victims back in the 80's.  Fuck this guy.  Eternally.

For Realsies Award - LSU

Even though Les Miles is the ultimate slime ball, probably punches women AND licks his dog's hair covered cock sheath, he has these guys playing lights out and that needs to be recognized.  Oh yeah, and they're still without resident criminal Jordan Jefferson at QB.  Furthermore, Tyrann Mathieu is captain cocky McBitch tits, but I guess we can let that slide for now since he's backing up his poop mouth on the field.  Is he the best corner in the country?  Let's ask him:

Iceman:  Tyrann.  Are you the best corne...

Mathieu: /smacks my mouth.  Yes.  Fuckin bitch. /starts doing the cabbage patch.

Iceman:  Guess that settles it.  Coulda done without the smack for future reference...and why are you naked?

This is My Shocked Face Award - Oklahoma

Okay.  I could be wrong on this one but much like having any type of sexual contact with Drew, this column is all about taking chances.  If you barely beat a hog shit Missoruuh team and have 4 ranked teams left on the schedule let's just say I have my doubts you can run the table and come out clean.  I can definitely see Oklahoma doing something fuckin stupid this year...like losing to the ambiguously gay duo of McCoy Shipley 2.0 while their dads touch penis heads in the crowd.  I'm also not sure if Landry Jones is as good as advertised.  Dare I say, he may actually suck shit dicks?  So far all he's proven is that he can fuck up the slow kid (Tulsa).  Once a better team crawls into the picture, ol' Jonesy starts looking like a 6th rounder.  Something to keep your eye on once Oklahoma starts playing better teams.

There it is.  Week 1 AB in the books.  My heavy heart weeps at the thought of no more Joey Ballgame Bauserman jokes now that Braxton Miller has taken over.  A moment of silence please.  In lighter news, Georgia has won two in a row.  That's what we call a winning streak MuDawgfan!  Try it on...see how it fits buddy.  Makes you want to fuck a tub of margarine, right?  A special shout out to the refs of the Toledo/Syracuse game for attempting to review an obvious missed PAT with their buttholes instead of their eyes.  Don't worry, I'm sure you'll never officiate another game where the players are older than 14.  There's no pressure in those games...unless this team is involved.  Notice the perfectly executed truck stick at the :31 mark.  Enjoy that and the pathetic lives you've created for yourself and deserve.  Finally, by the time you read this the Redskins should be 2-1.  Suck boners, G$.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Worst of Week Three Vol.V

Don't trust these sexy wenches!
The following little tale is illegal.  I know this.  I am aware that what I did was stupid.  And no, I'm not talking about the open container.  So I'm pretty pissed off after sitting through a god awful MAC football game Saturday afternoon.  I stopped to get gas at some hillbilly place before hitting I-70 and heading home.  I decide to get a few road pops for the trip as a way to drown my sorrows.  I was planning on some trashy Sparks but this relatively attractive rube with a decent rack had the same idea as me and suggested Four Loko.  I was intrigued.  I was under the impression that Four Loko was pulled off the market because it was terrible or something.  So I bought two (orange and fruit punch) and went on my way.  I'm not even halfway done with the first can and I can already feel that something isn't right.  I'm getting a pretty sizable buzz.  I finish the first can and I am flat out drunk.  I get back to Columbus and finish the second can while I'm pulling in to the bar parking lot.  I am literally shit-fucking-faced.  Stumbling all over the place, loud as fuck, and completely inappropriate.  I am out of control.  I got home somehow and I can barely remember anything that happened the night before.  It was incredibly strange.

What the fuck is in those Four Loko's anyway?  Jesus Christ.  Drinking two of those cans made me feel like I chugged a barrel of scotch.  Those things should definitely be illegal.  As I said on Facebook, I'm fairly certain that the ingredients are Hawaiian Punch and meth.  But would I do it again and recommend the product to others?  You bett-uh BULEE DAT!  Anyway, onto the worst of the weekend as a means to waste time before tonight's most excellent Monday Night Football game.

Tom Brady - HAHAHAHA!!!  You suck, Ugg Boy!!!  That was awesome.  Fuck New England.  I just want to remind everyone to stop buying Patriots stock.  They can't run the ball at all.  But you should be buying Bills stock!  GO BUFFALO!!!  Remember who picked them to make the playoffs?  THIS FUCKER!  Bow down to a honky that's greater than you.

Ocho Stinko - Dropped a wide open touchdown...I love it.  Man this game was just an assload of fun to watch.  By the way, if you're a black guy in the Patriots offense, you probably suck.

Jerome Simpson and CedBen - Come on, who has pounds of weed MAILED to them?  That's just bad smoking.  Am I the only one that would love to hear Benson's appeal?  I bet that it's hilarious.  And the Bengals still suck.

Colt McCoy - Still sucks.  The Browns are probably the worst 2-1 team ever.  WTF Peyton Hillis?  I didn't draft you to get mouth herpes!  The Madden Curse is now attacking dude's throats.

Chris Johnson - Pretty much blows at this point.  He doesn't even have 100 yards rushing on the season yet.  At least he got paid.

Leslie Frazier - Three straight weeks, the Vikings have blown double digit leads.  My favorite play call ever was Minny going for it on 4th and 1, using Peterson as a decoy, and giving an unsuccessful attempt to a white guy named Toby.  Are the Lions ever going to play anyone decent?

Victor Cruz - The mascot of the DFL had one hell of a week!!!

Defenses down South - NE/BUF is going to get a ton of publicity, but the HOU/NO game was just as sick.  Was this a preview of my Super Bowl prediction?  I think that it was.  I'm sticking with it.

The "Dream Team" - 1-2, Ape, you faggot!  Vick gets hurt again.  You can't even beat a SHIT Giants team at home.  Mike Kafka looked rightfully terrible.  That OL is HORRENDOUS.  I guess football isn't as easy as signing all the free agents available and telling them to win a Super Bowl.  The Redskins are better and sexier.

Weather in Charlotte - Cam vs. Blaine was going to be rotten anyway and the tsunami made it even worse.  Whatever, it was the Panthers and Jags...no one cares.

Fuck Yeah, Jim Schwartz! - I didn't see this but Drew did. "There was a little confusion after the kick, with officials blowing their whistles and holding off the celebration. But this was a long time coming for the Lions, and coach Jim Schwartz could be heard over the referee’s microphone yelling “Learn the fucking rules!” as he jogged toward his handshake with the Vikings’ Leslie Frazier." I love Jim Schwartz.

That one guy on the Falcons that jumped offsides on 4th and 1 - The reaction of the ATL DC to that fuck-up was priceless.  OH MY FUCKING GOD!  A lot of drops by Hot Roddy White, too.  That's not good.  By the way, the Falcons are a concussion away from 0-3...that's not good.

The NFC West - Just stop televising these games.  Please.  How do these teams even get fans into the stadium.  How many people actually said this week, "Yeah, I'm going down to Qwest on Sunday.  The Cardinals are in town!"

Flashy celebrations - Call me old fashioned, but I prefer Larry Fitzgerald's celebration of "catch horribly thrown Kolb pass, hand ball to ref, and jog to bench".  It's nice.

San Diego - Beating the Chiefs by 3...that's repugnant.

Jay Cutler and the rest of the Bears offense - The best part about this game?  After every play in the second half, Soldier Field was nothing but boos toward Mike Martz's "offense".  Cutler was awful.  No one can catch.  Dane Sanzenbacher still has a job for some reason.  World keeps spinnin'.


Rex Ryan - Nice defense.  There will be no goddamn snacks or toe suckings on the plane ride back to NYC.  Are the Raiders good?  I feel like they might be.  I mean, they are about 20 seconds from being undefeated and their only competition within the division can only beat KC by a field goal.  Yeah, I think the AFC Title game is going to be a rematch between the Raiders and Bills.  I would watch the shit out of that game.  And obvz, in the NFC it will be Lions at Redskins.  Greatest Final Four ever?

Fantasy UPDATE!!!  Going to 3-0 in both the DFL and MSFL (suck my perfect cock, LS!).  2-1 in the GFL.  Need a couple touchdowns from Romo and Dez tonight to win in the G$FL.  I hope I lose that one.

OK, that does it.  HUGE Monday nighter as Rex tries to remain UNDEFEATED.  I fucking hate Dallas...just want to get that out there one more time.  Skins are healthy and the Cowboys are not (even though Romo's broken heart or whatever he had last week was totes a lie).  Skins 20, Cowboys 16.  And just look at the remaining MNF schedule, this is truly one of the 3 best games on ESPN the rest of the year.  FUCK THE COWBOYS.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Ain't Nothin' We Can Do About This Post

I know what you all are thinking: “God, this guy sure does hate a lot of people” and “When is he going to talk about his high school football exploits again”. Well, what if I wrote up a post that answered both of your questions? Here we go.

Like most people, I don’t hate as many people as I say that I do. Papelbon. Russell Brand. Adrian Grenier. LeBron James. I’m sure that there are a few that I’m missing but my point is that the number is a lot smaller than I portray it to be. Ironically, I can’t think of anyone that I’ve met (other than Ide) that I truly despised so much that I hated them. Except for one person. Today, you will read about him. I’m even breaking my only rule for this site of not identifying people with his stupid face leading off this post although it's blurry, sorry, but you can tell that he's an asshole). I will open this post the same way that I plan on closing it…Fuck You, Cullen.

It’s the summer of 1996 and I’m getting ready to take part in my first season of varsity high school football (as a sophomore). Since my classmates and I were the low men on the totem pole, it was best to not draw attention to yourself. Just get your lifting done and get the hell out of there before the Seniors made an example out of you. The team was intact heading into two-a-days yet there was a new guy who showed up on that first two-a-day who did not take part in any summer lifting or “victory camp” (don’t even get me started on how much those three days blew). That would be Cullen.

I’ll freely admit that the first impression of Cullen was terrifying. He looked like he was chiseled by the damn Gods. Cut from head to toe, he painted a fairly intimidating picture. Word traveled quickly to us peon underclassmen that he spent the summer at some sort of military camp or school. Well, that explained why he was in sick shape. It didn’t explain his bizarre mental state.

Something was definitely “off” with Cullen. By that, I mean that he was a fucking lunatic. I don’t know if he was always like that or if it was the mass quantities of steroids that he was surely injecting himself with, but the guy was chemically imbalanced to the EXXXTREME! Example time! Instead of taking breaks on the sidelines in between plays or drills, he would do push-ups! It was 100 degrees, too! No sane person does this! At this point, everybody rightfully started laughing at him behind his back. What a fucktard! But while it was all fun and games to snicker at his douchelordiness, no one wanted to be the reason to get him to snap.

Cullen broke his hand during a game early in the season. I should have enjoyed it at the time more than I did. He had to play the rest of the season with one of those giant clubs of tape and padding. Those things are never not funny. Wait, I can’t believe that I haven’t mentioned this yet. Cullen was a TERRIBLE linebacker. He had the muscles and the insanity to be a white James Harrison, but he had the athleticism of a special needs child (no offense). So it made him even more of a joke to watch him act like some Linebacking God when we all saw that he got trucked every other play and teams ran right at him on purpose. And, you know, his club.

I mentioned it last Friday (and I knew that only Buke would get it) but Cullen used to randomly (but often) scream “AIN’T-NOTHIN’-WE-CAN-DO-ABOUT-THIS-TIME”! I never figured out what the hell he was talking about or what it meant or if anyone on the team knew what the hell he meant, but either way, it was annoying and stupid. Seriously, what could that dumb phrase possibly mean? He screamed it in the locker room and on the field and probably while he was getting buggered in one of NW’s interracial bukkake gay pornos.

I hope I painted a decent picture for why Cullen is a turd sandwich. Now would be a pretty good time to explain why I hate him and hope that he drowns in a lake of fire and my own diarrhea, right? No problem. Obviously, at some point, I managed to find myself the target of Cullen’s deranged assaults. Dickhead McGee had an annoying habit to say the word “harsh” after every little thing. Some punk underclassmen gets water sprayed down their back? HARSH! Someone makes a nice tackle? HARSH! Cullen flunks 2nd grade phonics class as an 18 year old? HARSH! No one on the planet has said a word more than Cullen said “harsh”. He said it more than Lou Holtz spits.

He was dating (raping?) a girl in my class during the year in question. At some point, I had started saying “harsh” all the time as a means to make fun of him behind his back. Well, (we’ll call her Jenny since that was her name) Jenny told Cullen about my usage of HIS word. He was not pleased. All of a sudden, I was now the target of his pent up roid rage. I managed to keep a low profile for half of the season but now I was public enemy #1. This was not good. Cheap shots while I was on scout team, insults, and hazing became daily occurrences. And all that I could do was take it. It wasn’t like I had the capability to kick his ass and I’ll be damned if I was going to be a narc. So Cullen would get his jollies knocking me around the practice field for the rest of the season. Needless to say, I was pretty pumped after our last game ended and I was done with him. Or so I thought.

During basketball season, we would play euchre games after school down in the locker room. Buke and I used to run that shit. So one day, we dispatch with some foes and who shows up to call winners: Cullen and his even more juiced up buddy, Dave. The stakes were quite small. I think it was like a buck a game played to ten. Now they were BLATANTLY cheating because they could yet somehow we beat them. They must have totally sucked at stacking the deck, I guess. I think Dave paid Buke which left Cullen being in debt to me. Huge mistake. Instead of getting a dollar for my superior card play, he gave me a right cross to the jaw. Classy move. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, I didn’t go down (which still surprises me to this day) and I didn’t say a word. They just got up and left. Apparently, that was how we were going to end our relationship; with him sucker punching me in the face over 20 nickels.

That was my last run-in with Cullen and that was 15 years ago. I still hate him to this day. I mean, I fucking LOATHE him. If he was dead, I would piss on his grave. If he was in prison (where he belongs), I would pay someone to shank him in the shower while he was sucking multiple cocks. I don’t really know what I would do if I ever saw him again. I’d probably just call him a fag, demand that he pay me my dollar PLUS interest, and then reimburse him for the sucker punch he gave me. Man that would be a sweet feeling.

In conclusion, Fuck You, Cullen. I hope that all the bad things in the world happen to you and you alone.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Would You Rather?

I can’t be the only one out there that is totes enjoying the 2011 September collapse of the Boston Red Sox, can I? Wow. When your least favorite team goes through a stretch where they win something like 4 out of 100 games, that’s pretty damn special. If it also happens to possibly get them booted from the postseason, then that is just the tits pajamas.

My Yankees clinched a playoff birth yesterday. No big deal. We’ve been doing this for years now. I’m not going out and buying a case of Busch Light cans or anything. It’s because I expect the team to be here every season. Unfortunately, the Yankees winning kind of has a negative to it since it helps Chowder Nation. I would love for the Rays to come back and snake that wild card spot. That would be absolutely delicious. Commenter Jeff deserves to be embarrassed. I can think of nothing more perfect than the Red Sox spending October at home. Remember when they traded for Adrian and signed the worst free agent in sports history (even worse than Pavano)? Jeff was thinking something like an 8-peat. Drew was handing them a title. Dut was sticking both of his fists up his rectum. I’m sure that Drew will do the research at some point today to prove these statements true. The bottom line is that spending all of King Midas’s silver doesn’t guarantee you anything. I know from experience.

Man, I really hope that the Sox blow this. That fanbase totes deserves some humble pie. Did you see the cover of the new ESPN Magazine/Rag that’s dedicated to all of the Boston sports champions of the past decade? UGH! The 90’s called and they said “GAG ME WITH A SPOON”. Between Tigers fans and Boston fans, America might be jumping on the Yankees bandwagon by default.

To finish things out for today, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before: ask for the opinion of Tigers fans. The AL is pretty much guaranteed to “go through” NYC. Detroit and Texas are pretty close (within a game, I think) for the 2 seed. Which would you rather have?

A. Home field advantage against the wild card team
B. Going to the Windy Apple

Now, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, I believe that you will end up as the 2 seed. Which would you prefer?
A. Boston
B. Tampa Bay

That’s not an easy question. Both teams have dominating top 2 starters and shaky bullpens. John Lackey is a gash but at least he has a playoff track record unlike the Rays young guys. Ellsbury and Desmond Jennings are both sick. The Sox probably have a better bullpen (barely but at least it doesn’t feature Farnsworth) and lineup, but the Rays always seem to just make enough plays to be annoying. TB also feels like a team that you would rather play in a 7 game series than a 5’er. So what say you, Hillbilly Handfishermen?  I guess all of you intelligent Tiger haters can chime in with who you would prefer to see them get knocked out by.  The correct answer to that question is "it does not matter" though.  But you've got to admit, it would be pretty sweet to read my stuff if the Yankees send them packing.

I still stand by my story that I’d rather face Texas in a 5 game series. And I still stand by Ivan Nova being a legit #2. He might even be ELITE. Definitely not overrated.  Whatever, I'm working on a better post for tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

When Does Basketball Start Again?

Wait a minute.  So you're saying that if I put my hands like this, the referee will stop the game clock?  Is this new?
There are quite a few things that I don’t understand when it comes to “fan-dom”, but one of the big ones is the notion of “conference pride”. You see this all the time. Big Ten and SEC fans seem to think that a football win validates the league somehow (and that makes zero sense). The same thing goes for the ACC and Big East in hoops. What sort of fucked up logic is this? How does Auburn winning the BCS title last year make Georgia and Arkansas look better? Answer: It doesn’t. In fact, UConn winning the NCAA tournament after finishing 9th in the regular season makes the Big East look terrible in my personal opinion. It just looks mediocre. How can the national champion not be in the top 8 of your league?

Around these parts, I have yearly arguments come bowl (and OOC) season with Big Ten fans that seem to think that rooting for your conference foes is acceptable. Again, it is not and it is dumb. First of all, who cares what people in the media think of the conference as a whole? If you are an Ohio State fan, why the bloody tampon does it matter what Mark May says about you? Sure, you’re rotten now, but you were excellent for a decade. You only give him more juice when you acknowledge that his words chap your anal region (which they CLEARLY do). Second, shouldn’t you want these rival schools to lose? Maybe it’s the MAC fan in me that recognizes that success on the field is cyclical and that winning big games is a good thing for the program because it increases your profile/helps in recruiting. If that notion is true (it is), why do you want them to win again? Third, and most importantly, THESE ARE YOUR ENEMIES!!! I don’t get it and I never will. I wasn’t rooting for Toledo to beat Boise State. It’s because I get it.

So with all that said, let’s take a little peak at the Big Ten through 3 weeks of the season (not the smoothest segue in my blogging career, but hang with me here). Who is for real? Who blows? Is anyone on the planet doing a worse job of coaching than Luke Fickell? You know what--we don’t need to answer any of those questions. You lovers of all things Big Ten better brace yourself because May Day isn’t going to stop ripping you this season. And he’s going to be completely right. Why?

The 2011 version of Big Ten Football is nothing but a big gash. It is absolutely terrible. A 12 foot wide dripping slopbox. What’s that? You want me to run down the list of schools and explain why this conference is a joke compared to the SEC and (gasp) Big 12 this year? No problem. Let’s do this.

Illinois – A nice win over "Future Porn Star" State last week but Ron Zook can never be taken seriously. He actually started Juice Williams for FOUR horrible seasons.
Indiana – Nice start to Kevin Wilson’s coaching career what with losses to Ball State and Virginia .
Iowa – Kirk Ferentz is shitcakes. No one has lost to Iowa State more than he has. And it took an all-timer of a comeback to beat a crappy Pitt team on Saturday where they were inexplicably down by 3 scores in the 4th quarter.

Michigan – Hokemania has them going in the right direction, but they aren’t there yet. It’s sort of like Brady’s attempt at touching the Michigan banner when the team runs out of the tunnel. Sure, he can get a finger on it, but it ain’t pretty. I’ll say it: if they played Notre Dame ten times, they would lose 9 of them. Fortunately, they got the one two weeks ago.
Michigan State – Tresselball with far inferior talent. How can anyone respect Kirk Cousins when he can’t even do much against Notre Dame. Dantonio’s ceiling for this team appears to be “Capital One Bowl”.

Minnesota – Coach would rather die. They probably will not win more than 3 games this year. That loss at home to New Mexico State doesn’t get the credit it deserves for being one of the worst losses by a BCS school in recent history.
Nebraska – So far, the “black shirts” couldn’t stop an offense built around this site’s comment section (which is comparable to Washington by the way). Am I the only one that feels like Taylor Martinez sort of sucks on foreskins?
Northwestern – They struggled to beat a Boston College that just lost to Duke at home. They just lost to Army. Persa for Heisman?

Ohio State – No passing game to speak of and truly horrendous coaching makes this sort of a lost season already. We talked about it yesterday and it warrants mention again: This was an average Miami team that completely embarrassed you all. What exactly was the game plan? Did they even watch tape? Since Fickell is stupid and fired, I’ve got a perfect replacement. You’ve got a pretty good OL, stud running backs all over the place, and no QB or receivers…the answer to your prayers is the WING T OFFENSE, baby!!! And no one runs that beautiful offense than a certain high school coach on the east side of Columbus . Jus’ sayin’!!!

Penn State – I would rather have present day Steve McNair than either Bolden or McGloin. They should have lost to Temple .
Purdue – Who gets beat by Rice? Sam McGuffie WHAT!!! I assume that he’s still there. He is too worthless to research though.
Wisconsin – Finally, a good team. 1 out of 12 ain’t bad. They look great right now but let’s be real. The Badgers have played nobody. I will proceed with caution before I crown their ass. They do seem like a mortal lock for the Rose Bowl though.

I think that even the most diehard Big Ten fan can agree with most of what I said above. And I paint a pretty grim picture for what the conference has become. So much like I said from the outset, you should probably start weaning yourself off of the “YAY CONFERENCE” bandwagon because this is the year of BIG TEN SUX LULZ!

Damman drunkenly said it best on Saturday night after the game (he was talking about the Buckeyes but it implies to the league as well): “We’re a basketball conference now”. Yep. Pretty much.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

College Football Week 3

                 "Does flexing make these uniforms look less gay?  No??  Shit."




What's up you fuckin ferries?  Another week of college football in the books and another week of awards to hand out.  Before we get started, I would like to give a personal deep fisted fuck you to Marmalard Rivers and Stephen Jackson.  Fuck you very much to both of you and I appreciate the diligent effort both of you have given in my 0-2 start in the MSFL (assuming Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't render himself useless Monday night).  Now kindly remove your heads from your asses and pussies and get crackin.  That needed to be said.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Kellen Moore (Boise St.)

I was tempted to give it to Lattimore again for another week of putting everyone in his front pouch of excellence like a mother kangaroo and carrying them to the fucking promised land, but I gotta throw some love to the little guy.  Plus watching Moore incinerate Toledo reminded me of just how worthless Joe Bauserman is.  Is Moore Tim Tebow, minus the national titles, Heisman trophies and "Jesus Pwns" t-shirts?  Probably.  Do I make that comparison because he's white, left handed and more God damn adorable than two teddy bears wrestling?  No doubt.  Would his heart explode if he ever watched the opening sequence of a porno?  Without question.  Despite all this you HAVE to be impressed with what he's doing considering how dreadful his receiving corp is this year.  If Moore even liked pussy, I'm sure he would have been knee deep in it Saturday night upon returning to the potato state.  Instead he probably read "War and Peace" and was sound asleep by 10PM.

Colostomy Bag Award - Joe Bauserman (Ohio State)

I'm sorry.  Baaahserman.  Just wanted to say his name right.  Now that we have that covered...on to the bashing.  Have you ever in your life seen a worse performance by a scholarship player?  Let's just whip that golden stat line up there in case anyone forgot how fuckin putrid this abortion was on Saturday.  2-14 for 13 yards.  Ha!  More attempts than yards?  Are you shittin me??  Kill yourself.  Well, at least he didn't turn the ball over.  It's safe to say that the days of Joey Ballgame feeling up his center's butthole are over.  He looked like a 7 year-old gay kid out there.  On a few of those throws I found myself wondering if he was accidentally throwing left handed.  It was fun while it lasted Boz.  Now go grab that clipboard and glue it to your fucking hand because the only way you're seeing the field again is if you can somehow score Polaroids of Fickell fingerblasting a billy goat.  With the new found plethora of free time you're going to have, why don't you go work on not looking like a 40 year old trucker seconds away from winding up on Dateline: How to Catch a Predator.

I Guess You're Okay Award - Eric Page (Toledo)

I'm starting to think this guy is gonna be a player at the next level.  Not just a bench warmer or a practice corpse either, a real impact player.  ELITE even.  Actually, strike that from the record.  Page will never be Ted Ginn or Anthony Gonzalez.  He lacks the dedication to shave his own butthole while locked in an altitude tent.  He can only strive for quasi-eliteness.  But for real...I love Page's game and may actually watch more Toledo games because of him.  You know a guy's sweet if it makes you actually WANT to struggle staying awake during a UT game.  My only hope is that he doesn't succumb to the violence of some south Toledo meth head who hasn't slept in 2 weeks.

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Maryland's uniforms

No one really rubbed me the wrong way this week so I'll take this opportunity to ask this to whomever had the idea for Maryland's wardrobe disaster.  What the fuck were you thinking?  Those uniform designs look like they were made by a blind autistic second grader.  I found myself wondering where the fuck Steamin Willie Beamen was and if Tony D'Amato had one last trick tucked away in his leathery coin purse.  Thanks for trying Maryland...now get rid of them and forget this happened.  If the goal was to look like a fictional football team from a absurd movie then, bravo.  Bra-fucking-vo.

For Realsies Award - Stanford

It's so difficult to assess teams after the cupcakes they play and being that it's this early in the season.  Having said that, I really like the way Stanford looks right now and how their schedule is laid out going forward.  The defense is pulverizing...which is what they're supposed to do at this point, and the offense is killing it...which is also what they're supposed to do at this point.  They only have 2 real tests left (unless you count Notre Dame...and you shouldn't) in USC away and Oregon at home.  Matt Barkley will be too busy day dreaming about southern California boners to be effective in that game and I don't think that the Dick Hats of USC have the defensive juice to bottle up Goblin Face Luck.  Oregon may be a different story and we'll have to see how the Ducks look as the season progresses.  But I think playing that game at home, most likely undefeated with a possible chance at a national title bid is enough to power Stanford to a win.  This is assuming they don't trip over their own balls and fuck up by losing to USC.  But they won't.  Barkley loves penis way too much to let that happen.

This is My Shocked Face Award - South Carolina

Just wait.  It's coming.  The classic Spurrier meltdown game.  Marcus Lattimore can't bail you out every week and eventually Stephen Garcia is going to lose you a game or five.  Even though I'm a Garcia supporter, we cannot forget the ugly truth.  And that truth is that Garcia loves throwing interceptions and losing football games.  There are just too many trap games on SC's schedule and too many defenses waiting to feast on the moon balls of Stephen.  I see probably 3 or 4 losses this year and thus deflating Lattimore's fleeting hope for a Heisman invite.  Then Spurrier can go back to what he does best, directing child porn and mating with warlocks.

Another special shout out to MuDawgfan this week.  Your Dawgs are on the board buddy!  I know it was only Coastal Carolina, but it was a shut out and everyone's gotta start somewhere.  Rome wasn't built in a day my friend.  In closing I would just like to say welcome to the Braxton Miller era Buckeye fans.  Just remember that no matter what happens...this is what you all wanted.  That's all.  I have to go cheer for Ahmad Bradshaw to die now.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Worst of Week Two Vol.V

FUCK YOU, CARLOS!!!
In case you didn't see, my RedHawks completely choked at Minnesota on Saturday afternoon.  You see, the Gophers are fucking terrible.  Their QB is great...unless he has to throw.  Their coach tried to kill himself on the sideline last week when they lost at home to New Mexico State.  They probably won't win another game.  Miami had their shots to win with the ball and 2 minutes and change left.  However, they managed to run the worst two minute offense that I've ever seen, ended up getting a receiver decapitated in the end zone on the final play, and lost by 6.  The point?  Nothing...NOTHING is more infuriating as a fan than when your team is buttfucking the two minute drill into submission.  It is so maddening because there is nothing that you can do but scream at the TV.

Ask my wife.  It was like watching me die.  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.  GET TO THE FUCKING LINE.  SNAP THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BALL, YOU ASSHOLE.  WHY ARE YOU THROWING TWO YARD PASSES INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD.  RUN A FUCKING PLAY!!!  I can't remember the last time I have been that frustrated as a fan.  It must be exactly how Mr. Ace felt during the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb years in Philly where they never had a successful two minute drill.  Anyway, that leads me into the Worst of Week Two.  And I can't think of anything more "worst" than...

BetUs - Dead serious here. Not ten seconds after Miami's final pass fell incomplete, my Central American gambling site called my phone and asked if I would like to deposit money into my account (I have not placed a wager yet this year).  "Carlos from BetUS" was the last person that I wanted to hear from at that moment.  I gave him a "you've got to be fucking kidding me" and hung up on him.  I may never wager with them again now.

Cedric Benson's pants - Nothing beats a nice butt cheek on national TV that apparently no one on the Bengals wants to fix.  Or maybe Mike Brown just gives them one pair of pants for the entire season.  Yeah, that's probably it.

No one in the Bills/Raiders game - What a wildly entertaining game this was.  I can't tell though, are these two teams good?  They look pretty good to me.  BILLZ SICK!  Anyone still doubting my Bills as a wild card prediction?  I'm what you call "way smarter than you".  My boy, Stevie J, better not be hurt.

Cam Haters...AGAIN! - Rookie QBs are going to turn the ball over.  But Cammy Cam Cam looks fucking good.  I mean he dropped 400+ on the Super Bowl champs.  He's already better than ten starters in the league.  The Panthers are quickly becoming must-see TV for me.

Todd Haley's Family - Yeah, dude better update his resume.  The Chiefs are fucking awful.  They lose Eric Berry last week (best defender) and it looked to me like Jamaal Charles is done for the year (best playmaker).  Congrats, KC fans, you just entered the Luck Derby.  As well you should since Matt Cassel is Jake Delhomme.

People that watched the Browns/Colts game - Why was this game even televised?  Anyway, the Colts have a pretty decent chance to have the worst record in the league this year.  Would they take Luck?  That is such a huge fucking question (if they get the #1).  Would you shit on Peyton and trade his ass?  I think that if you can get Luck, you almost have to. 

Donovan McNabb - He is so bad.  The Vikes had quite the epic choke.  Minnesota and Tampa Bay are completely irrelevant.

Brian Urlacher's Mother - On second thought, I'm not going to go there.  Just know that I tried to pick her up on my award-winning DFL team yesterday morning but ESPN wouldn't let me.  Bastards.  SHOW SOME RESPECT, ESPN!  The Bears are very unlikeable and I enjoyed watching them get slaughtered by the Breesus.

Jason Hill - Who?  Oh he's just the Jags wide receiver who spent this past week talking about how Revis Island isn't that good.  And then he promptly did not play yesterday.  Jacksonville is the "back hair" of the NFL: we can all see it and know that it's there, but no one wants to acknowledge that it exists.

Pete Carroll - Nice job with this roster, Slippery Pete.

Grumpy's Heart - Be honest, old man, you nearly had a heart attack when Ben went down (and he didn't look very good the rest of the game either).  Is this the year where that terrible offensive line finally gets him killed?

Joe Flacco - Who owns the Steelers and then fists himself against the Titans?  That's pretty pathetic.  What else is there to say, really?  The Ravens are who they have always been:  pretty good but not a title contender.

Rex Grossman - His play in the first half yesterday was so bad that he should play for Ohio State.  It was classic Sex Cannon.  Drive 50 yards and then throw a pick.  It's part of his charm.  But you know, The Cumslinger hung in there and drove the field twice in the 4th to beat a rotten Arizona team.  2-0!  Monday Night Football next week!  BEAT DALLAS!!!  The Redskins are undefeated...I like the sound of that.  You know what, next Monday is going to be awesome.  Grossman in primetime!

Tony Romo's: A Place For Cracked Ribs - Jesus Christ, when this guy isn't deep throating away games, he isn't finishing them.  What a smiley-faced pussy.  If the Cowboys were smart, they'd draft a QB in the first round next year. 

Coffee is not for the 49ers - Nice fucking close.  This team is so bad.  How can they score 24 points but get nothing from Braylon. Crabtree, or Big Vern?  How is this possible.  And if I lose by less than 6 points to Damman this week in the G$FL, I'm going to hang that Holley asshole by his hair.  Fucking bitch...how could you get caught at the goddamn one!!!

Chad Ochocinco - A week later and he still sucks.  Isn't it strange that the two biggest weapons in the Pats offense are tight ends?  Gronk and La Raza are pretty sick though.  Whatever, you can't expect a Norval-coached team to win on the road.

Chode Henne/Reggie Bush - I much prefer it when these two are terrible and not sneaky good like they were 6 days ago.

Black people at The Georgia Dome - I'm writing this before the game has even started and I know for a fact that they will embarrass themselves tonight.  MUDawg will confirm this in the morning.

That about covers it.  Is there a movie that you'd rather see less than "The IDES of March"?  It's probably a gay porno.  Fantasy-wise, I'm still rolling strong.  I MURDERED Dut in the DFL, calmly crushed the spirit of Lange in the MSFL (going 2-0 in both leagues to start!), and need three scores from Julio, Tony G, and Burner Turner in the Sunday nighter to beat Damman in the G$FL.  Chris Johnson is killing that team.  Man, it feels good to obliterate Dut.  Hail to the Redskins?  HAIL YES!

Friday, September 16, 2011

College Football's Mos Eisley

This is not the blog that you're looking for.  Move along.
OK, time to explain the title for the non-nerds out there.  I have never hidden my Star Wars love.  What can I say, it's the only social flaw that I have. In the first movie, Luke discovers that his guardians (who for some reason were "water farmers") were burned alive by the Empire (not the Yankees either).  Since he has nothing left, he decides to become a jedi (OBVS!).  In order to go up into space, Alec Guinness takes him to some shithole town called Mos Eisley where they find Indiana Jones and Khloe Kardashian and rent their ship to go to...I don't know...jedi school or some shit.

Upon arriving at this "city", Guinness says to Luke, "Mos Eisley spaceport: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."  And that's pretty much the same exact sentiment that I have when Ohio State invades The U tomorrow.  Two dirty ass schools getting together to play some boring ass football.  It's going to be awful.  Now that the dorky analogy is over, let's get this mail-in post into hyper-drive with a breakdown of this weekend's big games.  Be honest, I pulled you in with my tractor beam.


Ohio State 23, Miami 13.  Is there any decent explanation for why Vegas has Miami favored in this game?  This feels like the easiest money ever.  Yes, Al Golden is looking for a signature win but signature wins and Jacory Harris are two things that don't go together.  This game is going to be a snoozer.  It will be a miserable 3.5 hours.  The Buckeyes are going to continue to play it close to the vest (no pun intended) because Fickell wants to ensure that he won't get another head job ever again.  I don't know why he isn't going balls to the wall.  Braxton should be playing all the time.  The status quo isn't going to get the interim tag removed.  The over/under on Jacory turnovers is 2.5.  What are you taking?


By the way, I heard on the radio yesterday that the Chari-three weren't the only Buckeye football players at that party.  Apparently, two others were there that did NOT take any cash for doing nothing.  Some Newsome guy that transferred to Ball State (1-0 in the Big Ten!) and...TERRELLE PRYOR!  Rumor has it that ol' TP learned his lesson and kept his hands in his pockets while his buddies were breaking the rules.  I don't know if I should be impressed or dismissive that he was clean for one night.  Then again, TP doesn't accept anything under 4 figures.


Oklahoma 33, Florida State 31.  I think that this game is going to be pretty awesome.  Unfortunately, no bar or house in Columbus will have this on since it is at the same time that the inferior local team plays.  That sucks!  Jimbo has a chance to put his program on the map here and Stoops just loves to choke.  But I can't pick the Noles here.  Now if they were Noel's named after former Napoleon bar, Noel's Place, I would pick FSU to win by 70.


Boise State 55, Toledo 30.  The Buckeyes took the Rockets lightly last week.  The Broncos will not.  Chris Peterson watched that game.  He saw what Toledo has.  They won't be surprised.  I will never believe in the team that just put everything on the line less than a week before and came up short.  They can't do that again and they won't.  Boise is somewhere between an 18 and 20 point favorite, I'd lay the points.  I'd lay the shit out of those points.


Sparty 29, Notre Dame 27.  Sparty scores a touchdown on the last play of the game and instead of kicking an extra point for a one point win, they go for two.  Why?  Because FUCK BRIAN KELLY, that's why!


Yeah, that about does it.  I finally should have the internet back up and running at work today.  Next week things should be back to normal.  Fantasy matchups this week:  Dut in the DFL (easy win), Lange in the MSFL (easier win), and Damman in the G$FL (wow 3-0 this weekend!).  Big week.  Ain't-nothin'-we-can-do-about-this-time!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Enjoy It Now, Hayseeds

FIX THAT HAT!
Football season does strange things to normal sports fans. Take me for example. My baseball team is gearing up for the playoffs by coasting through September on their way to another AL East title and homefield advantage and I couldn’t give less of a fuck. It’s football season, dammit. I’ll pay attention come October when shit gets real.

I couldn’t tell you one damn thing that happened during last week’s series throughout the sport other than the Yankees lost 2 out of 3 in Anaheim . And two nights ago, the best closer of all time recorded save #600 (which I didn’t even know he was getting close to until he already accomplished said feat). I do know that Manny was being Manny all over his wife’s face which got him arrested. Classic Manny! So instead of continuing on about my indifference to the non-existent division races, allow me to reflect on the recent successes of the Trailer Park Tigers.

My Facebook feed is constantly being littered by dumbass Tigers fans saying retarded shit like “the last time the Tigers won blah blah blah games in a row in September was 1984”. Oh yeah? Well the last two times that NFL players have went on strike the Redskins won the Super Bowl that year. Should I be booking a room in Indy now? Fucking dolts. I probably should though…just to be safe.

I get it. The Tigers are playing well. They are beating up on shitbird teams like good teams are supposed to. In fact, I hope that they stay hot for a little while longer so that the heads of their fans can get bigger and more toothless. What these morons don’t seem to get is that Ozzie Guillen and Melky Cabrera won’t be there in October. Oh no. You’re going to actually have to beat quality teams then when the pressure and spotlight is on. Has Jose Valverde’s terrible ass even been on TV before? Good luck with that four-eyed turd.

Let’s take Dut’s reference yesterday to Tony’sPizzalander being on next week’s SI cover and being some sort of nightmare for the Yankees and Red Sox. Ummm OK. Dude has been better than average for most of the season but he’s too hopped up on meth to keep it going (plus he didn’t do anything remarkable in his two starts against the ‘Stripes earlier). He’ll fail. He’ll fail miserably. He’s just like the rest of the team. They’re getting hot at the wrong time.

Like I said, I hope that they keep this up for another week or two. Then, when they are getting shutout by John Lackey in the 8th inning of game 3 of the ALDS and staring at a sweep, they won’t be able to figure out what is going on (due to generations of inbreeding). Kenny Rogers isn’t going to save you with his cheating this time.

I hope that Tigers fans still cherish that dirty 2006 run when they made a disgrace of baseball by carrying Jim Leyland on their shoulders and dumping canned beers on their idiot fans after winning NOTHING. Actually, I know that these rubes still beat off to that season. Well, in three weeks, when your season ends and everyone braces themselves for another agonizing and annoying Red Sox/Yankees series, just remember how awesome September was in 2011 while you dump a Natty Ice on some hobo. Fags. The Tigers are terrible. They aren’t going to win anything…not even the title of Beef Queen at the Henry County Fair (actual award!).

There. That should get some heat going in the comment section today. Just know that I believe every word of what I wrote. Especially the part about Tigers fans being fags.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Killing Off An Old Sports Cliche

Who wouldn't want their son to play for this face?
Baseball is better when the Cubs are good.  Basketball is better when the Lakers and Celtics are good.  Football is better when the Cowboys are good.  Hockey is better when the Maple Leafs and Canadiens are good.  We've heard these phrases numerous times before and will continue to hear them muttered by lazy people.  Why?  Because it isn't true.

No one of substance likes the Cubs because they have self respect.  No one wants Celtic and Laker fans to be happy.  The Cowboys are all assholes and minorities.  Canada sucks.  But those statements don't compare to the all time dumbest sports cliche of all time:

College football is better when Notre Dame is good.

It is?  Since when have we needed an elitist bunch of separatist assholes that can't make up their fucking minds regarding their desire to associate themselves with common low-brow colleges to be good at football?  Nobody watches their games because no one turns on NBC on Saturday afternoon.  This isn't the 80's anymore...these fucks are irrelevant.

Personally, I think that it's better when Notre Dame is terrible and loses weekly heartbreakers.  Nothing quite beats Irish schadenfraude.  It is so delicious.  Take Saturday night for example.  I went into that game not caring who won but there I was in the 4th quarter, hooting and hollering with the other Wolverine fans.  Because my hatred of Notre Dame dominates my indifference to the Michigan program.  I'm at the point right now that if the Irish played the Buckeyes, I probably would just not watch.  Because I don't want to think about what team my inner-psyche would gravitate toward over the course of the game.  Why do I hate Notre Dame so much seemingly out of the blue?

Pretty simple really...Brian Kelly.  I LOATHE this man.  We all laughed when Charlie Weis sucked because he was an arrogant and overmatched beached whale of a man that deserved to be knocked down a peg or 25.  Kelly though?  He's an arrogant asshole that unintentionally murders students and makes Bo Pelini's sideline demeanor seem calm and rational.  He fucking blows cock and I would love to seem him go winless this year and then get fired.  Because fuck that guy.  I hate everything about that smug cocksucker.

I wish that I had the photoshop skills to make Brian Kelly the permanent Douche Lord of the Week.

You can't tell me that there is anyone more objectionable right now than Kelly.  Jim Schwartz is goddamn adorable when he goes off.  Kelly is just embarrassing.  I am rooting for his team to lose in the last minute every single week.  He, personally, deserved to lose like that on Saturday.  The guy deserves to lose every Saturday.  Go Sparty.  In conclusion, we don't NEED Notre Dame to be anything but awful.  Their losses give us life.

***SITE NEWS - posts will probably be shorter for the rest of the week while I get settled in at work...please make a note of it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

And On the 8th Day...God Created The Iceman

"You're just a notch in my bedpost of disappointment, MuDawgfan."



Week two of college football in the books, buttscabs and penis wrinkles. And lucky for all you fucks, you get to hear from me on the day I emerged from my mothers birth canal. It is indeed the Iceman's birthday today and I will celebrate by shoving as much cake and ice cream into my gullet as humanly possible. It's gonna be a baked goods bukkake gang bang. But before I give myself diabetes from sugar overload, let's get to some college football awards from a pretty exciting Saturday.

Pussy Magnet award - Marcus Lattimore (South Carolina)


I was torn here at first and heavily considered Denard Robinson for his 4th quarter heroics against the catholic pedophiles. But then I remembered that Denard looked like a drunk, one legged Thai prostitute running that offense for two and a half quarters. Someone who only dominates a third of the game doesn't deserve this prestigious award. So I give it to Mr. Lattimore who was impressive almost throughout. He only had one score, but when SC needed a play, Lattimore delivered. When they needed a first down to ice the game, Lattimore churned his fat little thighs to glory. He was a big reason the Cocks stormed into Athens to steal a road game in the always tough SEC. And Stephen Garcia owes him a hand job.


Colostomy Bag award - Garrett Gilbert (Texas)


I didn't get a chance to watch any of this game, but all I need to know is that Gilbert was pulled for Case McCoy who had to orchestrate a come from behind win against the God people of BYU. If getting benched for ol' Doe Eyes, Jr. wasn't humiliating enough, Mack Daddy Brown really rammed the fucking stick home when he decided to throw a Freshman in there as well. Just a little something extra to show you exactly how worthless you really are. I wouldn't be surprised if Gilbert hanged himself after the game with his mother's stripping thong. Mainly, I guess I'm just pissed at Gilbert for handing announcers Homofest 2.o on a platter. I can't fuckin wait for the commentators to ear blast us about how Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley wash each other's privates post game in the team locker room the way their older brothers Colt and Jordan used to. Did Colt and Jordan ceremoniously pass down the studded double sided dildo to their younger brothers? We can only wonder.


I Guess You're Okay award - Casey Pachall (TCU)

I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's got tats, looks like he's trying for white guy surfer hair and he doesn't catch on fire and blow up like a vampire hitting the sun unlike his albino predecessor Ginger Dalton. I bet he calls his dick "The Horned Frog" when trying to get laid at house parties. He just comes off as a super cool dude I would want to get drunk with. I fully believe he encourages tomfoolery and fucks with people that pass out early like bitches. And that's mainly why I like him. Oh yeah...and he's not a bad quarterback either.


I Bet You're a Sex Offender award - Michael Floyd (Notre Dame)


I hate everything about this guy. Two years in a row I've had to watch him assault Michigan's secondary all while being a major cockface about it. He's a walking hemorrhoid. I can't wait for some schmuck NFL owner to draft this guy in the top 10 next year only to cut his ass 3 years and 35 catches later. Because you know this dick rash is leaving after this season. Who wants to stick around to watch Brian Kelly murder some no-name Freshman with a yard maker next year? Notre Dame WRs and QBs are all in the same class...massively overrated and NFL busts waiting to happen. When was the last time any catholic baby raper WR made an impact at the next level? Fuckin Tim Brown? In a few years Floyd can join his life partner Golden Taint in the unemployment line jockeying for position with crack heads. They can suck each other's dicks for nutrition while they wait for a check from the Government. Go get another DUI, you vagina blister.


For Realsies award - Wisconsin


I'm fuckin buying big time. Bringing Russell Wilson into that environment and that offense is like traveling back 150 years and bringing Uzis, tanks and assault rifles into the Civil War battlefields unexpectedly. People don't know how the fuck to react. Cry, run, scream, shit, swear, laugh, pray? It's a potpourri of emotion right now. Wisconsin has been "married for 40 years missionary sex" on offense since the beginning of time and bringing a black, athletic quarterback shows they're ready to get with the now and remove the segregated bathrooms on campus in Madison. I know they haven't really played anyone yet but blanking a shitty PAC-12 team is way more impressive than shutting out an average Sun Belt team. I would not be shocked to see the Badgers playing for the title this year.


This Is My Shocked Face award - Virginia Tech


I know. They won. But should they have? I say nay. Rubberface Beamer needed a touchdown late in the 4th quarter to put away a God awful East Carolina team. As a "national title contender" that performance was more pathetic than that neck skin patch job Beamer's surgeon is passing off as grade A work. Looks like someone used fabric from a bean bag chair. Or a truck driver butt cheek skin. Now, I just looked at V-Tech's schedule for the remainder of the year and it is filled with some shit bombs. I think Wake Forest actually starts two guys that died last year. Having said that, I fully believe the Hoakies will drop at least 2 games this year. To whom remains a mystery but I know it won't be a home game since V-Tech is one of the best at home in all of college football. So that leaves Marshall, Wake Forest, Duke, Georgia Tech and Virginia. My hunch says Duke and the Jackets.


Tons of great games and nailbiters for a lot of the teams the commenter's follow this week (OSU, Michigan, Georgia). This is why we love college football. Some of us are relieved and live to fight another day and some of us have voodoo dolls of Mark Richt with 30 pins stuck where his dick hole would be. My personal apology goes out to MuDawgfan for giving your Dawgs the kiss of death this week. But buck up there chap, there's no way Richt keeps his job after this year. Like Larry Johnson's girlfriend, just take a few more solid licks and wait for the authorities to show up to lock his ass up forever. /rubs MuDawgfan's hair. Shhhhhhhhh.....Shhhhhhhhh......it's gonna be okay. He can't hurt you anymore.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Worst Of Week One Vol.V

Says it all, no?
Can you believe that I've been writing these "Worst Of" posts for five years now?  Talk about consistency!  I'm hungover, tired as shit, and just got back from taking the dog to a fun play day at the local water park (it seemed like every dog there took great delight in splashing me) so let's get this going.

First things first, NO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TALK.  That is what Tuesdays are for.  I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Michigan, Notre Dame, and how Toledo is pretty much equals with Ohio State, but hold off.  Iceman thanks you in advance.  Here we go:


Sean Payton - Last and biggest play of the game, why are you giving the ball to an unproven rookie RB instead of having your all-galaxy QB make a play?  That was dumb as shit.

Drew Brees - Jonny Moxon that stupid play, Hairy Mole!  It's not like the coach asked you to hand the ball off to Peterson or Hightower or some other well-endowed stud.

Matt Ryan - Falcons fan, Naptown Wolverine, doesn't think that ATL is going to be very good this year.  He is usually wrong about everything except for pornography but he might be on to something with that call.  Jesus, the Falcons looked like shit covered in pubes with old man diarrhea frosting.

Browns Believers - Time to hop off of that bandwagon, fags.  The Browns suck cock.  They always will suck cock.  That might be the most embarrassing loss in the history of football at any level.  Never ever believe in a team with a rotten quarterback.  Speaking of which...

Colt McShit - Terrible.  He can't play.  It was fairly bold of him to throw the ball to his center on a 4th-and-game over play.  Fucking brutal.  FIRE HOLMGREN!  The team that HE built just lost at home to the Cincinnatta Bingles.

Kansas City Chiefs - This team has "5 wins" written all over them.  I can understand losing to MY BILLZ but not by 5 touchdowns.  Fuck the Chiefs.  No one cares about them.  I just want to take some time to remind everyone that BUFFALO IS GOING SUPAH BOWL!!!  They looked like one of the five best teams in the league to me (after one game)!!!

Eagles haters/Rams lovers - The Eagles didn't even play that well and still beat the tar (no raycess!) out of a solid and trendy upset pick in their barn.  As long as Vick is upright, Philly is going to be juuuuuuust fine.  Nice to see Bradford and Steven Jackson get hurt already.  That didn't take long.

Matthew Stafford - Great game but the fucking guy limps off the field when he didn't get touched!  Jesus, I can't imagine being a Lions fan and worrying every single time this cunt drops back that that will be his last throw of the year.  And kudos to Jim Schwartz who went his usual apeshit on Gosder Cherilus when the big idiot tried to give the game away in the final two minutes.  I missed insane Schwartz.

Chris Johnson - 24 rushing, 25 receiving.  Welcome back, asshole.  Someone give him a Johnny Unitas haircut.

Peyton Manning's neck - The Colts are going to be absolutely horrible this season.  They might actually be in the Suck 4 Luck derby.  Kerry Collins is so bad that he should be a safety for Michigan.  Whoops, just broke my own rule.

Ben Roethlisberger - Is he legally blind?  That is the only excuse for some of the passes he threw yesterday.  Yes, the Ravens defense is good but they look a lot better when you just hand them the ball.  The Steelers looked old, slow, undisciplined, and poorly coached...not a good start to the season.  Obvs it's early (very early), but no Steeler fan can like anything that they saw yesterday.  FUCK DA STILLERZ!!!

Nate Kaeding - Is there anything better than watching a kicker get hurt and then carted off the field?  I think not.  Kaeding is a homo anyway.  By the way, the Chargers give up a KO return to start the season...things never change with a Norval coached team.

Donovan McNabb - 39 yards passing.  28 net.  Dude sucks.  Thanks for the two draft picks.

Cam Haterz - He looked pretty legit to me.  Cam appeared to belong to me.  400+ in your first game is ridiculously solid to me.  It was the first time in a long time where I was not pissed that the RedZone channel switched over to the Panthers.  Newton vs. Rodgers next week!!!

Anyone that watched the 49ers/Seahawks game - Ted Ginn and David Akers were the best players on the field.  That is all you need to know.

Eli Manning and the Giants - On Eli's bootleg TD run, has their ever been a nerdier-looking touchdown and celebration?  I think not.  But the Redskins dominated a team that they NEVER beat.  It felt good.  Really good.  So much so that I'm starting to BELIEVE.  It seems like we're going to be good enough to not get Luck so we might as well win, right?  The defense is fairly nasty since Ryan Kerrigan already won the D-ROY.  Did I mention Rex Grossman?

Rex H8RZ - Actual postgame quote from The Sex Cannon, "I've got a lot of haters out there so this feels good".  DC Bitches gettin' preggers tonight!!!  I'm falling in love with Grossman.  Sure, he's a turnover waiting to happen.  But on those rare occasions in which he is "on", he is fucking tremendous.  We've got the Cards next week...I think I might smell 2-0.  And you can't go 19-0 without starting 2-0!

That will about do it for this week.  ESPN has two God awful Monday night games tonight.  Probably a 6 hour pregame show, too.  As for fantasy (which you are free to discuss), put me down for a win over Iceman in the MSFL, a win over Jeff in the DFL, and a likely loss in the G$FL.  Add that all up with a Skins win and I'll gladly accept this weekend.

Friday, September 09, 2011

I Respect You Today, Ohio State

I've had it up to HERE with light mayonnaise!
DISCLAIMER - What I'm talking about today is something that a few of you may have already known, but I had not heard until Wednesday night.  While the figures might not be 100% accurate, I'd guess that they are close enough considering the character of people that I heard it from.  Don't let the title of today's post fool you.  I am going to give the Buckeyes a pat on the back today in hopes that they continue to do this.  On with the point of today's post.

Why do FCS and MAC and Sun Belt schools agree to play against the powerhouse programs in September?  Money.  They don't generate much themselves so the little guys give away their dignity for one day in return for a sizable paycheck that helps support numerous programs in their tiny athletic departments.  It's been going on like this for years and probably will forever.  Even though the scoreboard may say differently, it is a win-win for everybody (except for the people that go to the game and waste their fucking time).

Do you know how much Akron made last week to get dilly-whopped by Ohio State?  990K...give or take a few bucks.  Do you know how much Toledo is making this weekend by making that exact same trip?  Nothing.  Because they already got paid.

I'm really not sure why or how the Rockets were able to pull this off, but when they "hosted" Ohio State at Cleveland Browns Stadium two years ago, Toledo kept all the money in exchange for playing a freebie in Columbus in 2011.  Toledo made 4.5 million dollars from that beatdown.  That helped them build an indoor practice facility.  That is 100% fucking awesome of Ohio State to do that.  They didn't have to do that either.  But Tressel and Company decided awhile back to do the right thing and help out the little guys in the state (at least I hope that is why they did it).  And I hope that it continues.

Think about it.  OSU gets 7-8 home games a year.  Why not give one of those away, play "road" games in Cincy and Cleveland in alternating years (and the local economies would enjoy have a weekend of Buckeye fans in town), give fans in those areas the chance to see their team in person, and work the same deal with the other state schools that you did with Toledo?  So in 2012, you would open at home still with the RedHawks and a few weeks later go up to Believeland and destroy the Zips again.  In 2013, you play Miami at Paul Brown (both of those teams could beat the Bengals) and play BG at home.  And so on and so forth.  Now, obviously, they don't HAVE to keep giving MAC schools 4.5 million dollars or whatever the gate would be, but I think that it would be pretty cool of them to do.  It's not like they are ever going to lose any of these "road" games anyway.  And they sure as shit don't NEED that money.  Hell, I'm pretty damn sure that it would lessen my hate for the school if they helped the Hawks out financially.

After all, in a few years, the MAC might not even be an FBS conference anymore after all of these asshole super-conferences take shape.  We could use all the help that we can get.  So again, and like I said, many of you probably already knew about the UT/OSU deal, good job, Buckeyes.

A few predictions for the three big area games this weekend:
Ohio State 38, Toledo 28.  No cover but the Rockets give them a nice test.
Alabama 34, Penn State 10.  I have no idea why this is only a ten point line.
Michigan 31, Notre Dame 27.  Who benches their starting QB after one game?  I guess Iverson was right about practice being worthless.  I hope that Brian Kelly dies of ass-lupus.

There you go, boys.  I'll be back on Monday with the rundown of the NFL's opening weekend.