Thursday, June 30, 2011

College Week: Prepare To Be Sick

They will not rest until Eastern Michigan is on top.
COLLEGE WEEK has even inspired terrorists to e-mail in!  I got this on Tuesday from an anonymous jihadist and I can't imagine anything like this happening today.
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The scene is the first year of Yager Stadium's existence (1983). The weekend is either Homecoming or Alumni weekend.

I, and my other fraternity brothers are out on the porch firing up before the game. (Yes, I was in a fraternity but we were a scrappy fraternity and not the collar poppers to which you referred yesterday.) One of the people in our group has a pilot's license and is talking about taking a plane out for a spin. Others jump on the idea and then ask me if I want to go. I pony up $15 and we jump in a car and head down to the airport in Hamilton. We find the plane, a small Cessna, and the pilot drives it on the tarmac and then a little bit behind a hangar. He tells the person riding shotgun to get out and tape over the call letters on the plane. Hmm, wonder what that is all about?

Then we take off and are in the air. We fly to Oxford where we fly around the campus and then we decide to do something fun. So we fly out to Western campus (ed.- where all the hippies live) and then come in down to just about treetop level. We fly over the scoreboard and through the stadium. We are low enough that I can actually see peoples' faces and their reactions. The pilot does a little wing wave and then lifts the plane up and we fly out to Hueston Woods and fly around the lake, going low enough to scare somebody out of their Sunfish and into the water. Then we fly out to Indiana for awhile and come back around to the Oxford airport (ed.- that exists?). The pilot lands, and again the dude riding shotgun gets out and removes the tape from the call letters. He has to hurry, because at this point, Security cars are coming to the airport. The pilot gets us on the runway and we take off without further delay. He flies back to Hamilton, we land, pile in the car and head back to Oxford thinking we got away with it completely. Later it turns out somebody got the call letters and the pilot ends up losing his license I believe and having to perform an ungodly amount of community service. The riders got no punishment. I believe we caused an interception on the field and rumor had it that the President's wife thought it was a fun prank and that it was good to shake up the crowd.

Obviously this cannot be done now as we probably would've have been shot down and the pilot arrested for Homeland Security violations.

Tremendous.  This explains a lot actually.  It's a great excuse for why no one goes to the games AND the #1 reason why I bought season tickets...to fight terrorism.  MAC Football: Spawning 9/11 since 1983!
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For my last portion of COLLEGE WEEK, I am going to end on a high note. This story is going to make you gag...I promise. And this time it won't be because you're deep-throating a black man while reading this site. ZING!

Junior year...early Spring of 2002. It's the last week of the MAC basketball season before the tournament begins. I think that both Miami and Bowling Green were good that year so when they were scheduled to end their conference seasons at the barren, feces-splattered wasteland of Anderson Arena on a Saturday afternoon, it was time for a road trip. Obviously, growing up 30 minutes from that horrible campus, I knew a lot of people that went there for "college". So I packed up two of my roommates, Hoser and Cap, and we made the three hour drive north on Friday night.

We're staying with Black (notorious for his strip club fake seizures and Hell-worthy work as a Sheriff), Chops, and Dut's Cousin, Fruity. Now of the three of us from the Ox, I was the only one of age at that time so we had to go to a bar that had terrible security (not hard to find in BG back then and probably now as well). We ended up sneaking them in to Ziggy's which I always thought was a cool bar but that also could have been because they had the hottest bartender ever (Heidi F...a fucking goddess). We crushed booze for a few hours until they closed. Then we went back to their apartment when they kicked us out.

However, the entire drive back to their apartment, Cap was looking a bit shaky. Apparently, he had been 8-fisting Long Islands all night. He didn't look good. Not good at all. Thankfully, the drive was short. He was only sitting on the couch for about a minute or two when he made a beeline to the shitter. He was unleashing holy hell on that toilet. The sounds of his violent vomiting still wake me at night. But nobody got up to ask if he was OK. He was 20 years old and throwing up after binge drinking 12 bottles of well liquor is what 20 year olds are supposed to do. But Black got up to help him. He went into the bathroom after the puking had ceased to give him a hand. It was unnecessary though because Cap was already cleaning himself up. He had a grabbed a towel off the floor and wiped his mouth off. But therein lies the problem.

Yep, he picked up Black's nut-rag. He cleaned the barf off of his face with another man's spunk. Black gave him another towel citing that the one he was using was dirty (no fucking shit) and then he came out and told me that Cap literally had Black's creamy man-butter on his chin. Like a big glob of it swimming around on his face. I have a pretty strong stomach, but the thought of having another man's ball-sauce on ANY part of me makes me dry heave. Yet my roommate indirectly got a facial from Black.
I swear that that is milk and that this is not a pedo-blog.

Needless to say, Hoser and I never said a word about this to him. Can you blame us? How does that conversation start? He didn't know and he didn't NEED to know either. No one needs to know that that happened to them. And yes, that concludes G$'s portion of COLLEGE WEEK. We'll be back tomorrow with Ide's Song of the South. It's good. It's not my-spunk-on-your-face good, but it's still good. At least you won't throw up all over your computer/phone.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

College Week: Read Em and Weep

My stories. I had a drunk pissing problem, and so did my roommate, and Mrs. Ace loved it. Drip Drip Drip

I once woke up in a strangers bed my freshman year. It was awkward. About as awkward as dropping a deuce behind a drug store. Room 515.

I have been skiing one time in my life and I nearly died three times on that trip. I am still wrongly accused of breaking the window in our cabin in a drunken rage. I'm innocent. Ski Trip.

And of course, the Detroit story. Part 1. Part 2.

Stripper Punch. It was my last year living in Toledo and my little cousin had just turned 18. I don't think he had ever seen a vagina, probably not even boobs, that weren't on a computer monitor. He was friends with my roommates younger brother so we told them to come up to Toledo and we would take them out to the strip club.

The majority of the time we are there it is a typical strip club story. Tits, drinks, inappropriate touching, and me constantly telling myself that these girls don't actually have fathers. My cousin got a lap dance from some decent looking stripper and then fell in love with her, constantly following her around the room and making it hard for her to do her job. She would step back into a private room with another guy and he would get pissed because he wanted to marry her because she had a real vagina and tits. Pretty sad.

But the night is coming to an end and the strippers are coming around seeing if anybody wants a dance, I believe the deal was 2 songs for $20. My roommates brother tells the stripper that he only has $10 but she takes him back for a dance anyways. So one song goes by and he is still back there. Then two songs. Then three songs. Eventually six songs go by before he emerges from the back with an enormous grin on his face....this was his first strip club experience too. The stripper follows him over to our group and asks for the money. Bad things are about to happen.

He gives her $10 because that's all that he has. She flips out and demands the $60 she is owed for six songs. The rest of the guys in our group are just laughing hysterically. This scrawny kid is yelling back at the stripper that he only has $10 and he told her so before she started dancing, and this naked stripper is in his face demanding more money. So he goes to sit down and the stripper pulls the chair out from under him. He barely catches himself on a table and sits on another chair. So now the stripper pulls up a chair right in front of him, still saying the same shit she has for the past 5 minutes. The stripper looks away briefly, and then unleashes a fierce right cross directly to this kids jaw.

Now our group of guys are on the floor laughing, we knocked over the table in front of us and spilled beer all over the place, my roommate runs to the ATM to get money for his brother, his brother is sitting there in total shock, and the stripper is going to get a bouncer. But the stripper got her money, we didn't get fucked up by bouncers, and no assault charges were filed. I haven't been back to the Vu since...and I don't plan on it.

Fight Night. I used to go to BG at least one night a week in college. There were just more house parties in BG compared to Toledo, which is key when you aren't 21. This Saturday night was no different. I had a friend who would host a party with his roommates every other weekend. By themselves his roommates were alright, but together they were just a group of fags. I went to high school with one of them, we will call him JV, and he was a giant fucking pussy, but his parents had money so he thought he could run his mouth to whoever he wanted. Not tonight.

We get to the party and JV is serving beer. One of my buddies, Rich, goes up to get a beer and JV pours him a beer...and then sticks his finger in Rich's cup and says, "Good beer, huh?" At the time Rich did nothing, but as he drank he became more and more pissed off.

Eventually JV stopped serving beer and was walking around the party when my buddy bumped into him. For some reason Rich turns into De Niro during drunk confrontations.
Rich: "So this is the fucking guy who stuck his finger in my beer. The fuck was up with that?"
JV: "What are you talking about? I was just joking around."
Rich: "Well it ain't so fucking funny now is it? I think you need to apologize to me."
JV: "I'm sorry man. It was just a joke."
Rich: "Now get the fuck out of here."

That exchange set the town for how my friends and the people who lived there were going to get along that night.

Later that night my friend, we'll call him Bear, went to get his cup filled. Now Bear is not somebody you fuck with. He's a friendly guy, but has no qualms about throwing fists. I once saw him stop his car in the middle of the street, walk up onto somebody's porch, where somebody was waiting for him with a baseball bat, duck one swing of that bat and break a guys face in one punch. But like I said, he went up to get a beer. Well the guy serving beer, I think his name was Logan, saw the exchange between Rich and JV and didn't much appreciate it. So Logan bends down to act like he is going to grab the keg hose and then sucker-punches Bear...three times. We all see this and just stand there to see what would happen next. Bear looks at the guy, bends over to pick up his cup, and asks the guy again for a beer. Before the guy can do anything else another one of our friends, BR, comes from behind Bear and jacks the guy in the face. It's on.

At this point its mayhem. Bottles are being thrown, people are getting fucked up, and I'm just trying to make sure the people I came with are alright. I see BR working over a guy and then some big goon comes and jumps on his back. So I pull the guy off, hold him in a full nelson, and BR unloads on him a couple times. Dudes out cold. I set him aside so not to injure him further and we get the fuck outside. Sure enough, the Logan ass hole who sucker-punched Bear is walking outside with a baseball bat.

But I step in and save his life.
Me: What are you going to do with that?
Logan: I'm going to beat his ass. We don't tolerate that shit here.
Me: Think about this. You just punched that man in the face three times as hard as you could and he stood there, picked up his cup, and asked for a beer. Is that the kind of man you want to fuck with?
Logan: (Suddenly seeing the error of his ways) Yeah...you're right.

Later that night we went back to the house, stole their keg during the party, and went to their neighbors house to drink it. Just another Saturday in BG.

I have an OSU/Michigan story as well, but I will unleash that in the comments at some point.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

College Week: Losing In The Semis Was Deja Vu

Best sport ever.  I once had a hat trick!  Best feeling ever.
Day 2 of COLLEGE WEEK is going to venture into the seedy underbelly of intramural sports/the flesh trade. I only played two intramural sports during college. My freshman year, in the Fall, our dorm corridor put together a flag football team that was HORRIBLE. How bad was it? I was the quarterback(!), due to some snafu we made the playoffs after going winless in the regular season, and we would have won our first round game due to my brilliant scrambling abilities but we got disqualified with four minutes left because I was wearing a necklace at the time. They made us forfeit because of this. The rest of my collegiate intramural experiences took place on the ice. And although I do know how to skate (because I took ice skating as a college class, dammit!), it wasn't hockey.

I played Broomball. Some of you probably know what this sport is, but most of you won't have any clue what I'm talking about (look at the pic, dumbass). That's OK. Let me assure you though that Broomball is the greatest sport ever. It's played on a hockey rink, with basically the same rules as hockey, but you play in regular shoes, there is a plastic softball sized ball instead of a puck, and the stick is an aluminum shaft with a hard plastic spade at the end. It is tremendous. I think that there were two twenty minute halves and you didn't leave the arena without being completely exhausted, bruised, and drenched in sweat. It's not easy to run on ice let alone while you're trying to triple deke or fire one-timers at the goalie. I think that we played about 7 or 8 seasons of this.

Funny story--we had an early afternoon game the day after my 21st birthday. We had lost a player due to extreme hangover and had to drag Naptown Wolverine onto the ice to play a game that he'd never heard of before 8 hours after a powerful drinking binge. So he knows what's up and how great Broomball is. I hope that MUDawg chimes in to echo those sentiments.

Now normally, our team was average at best because we never had subs. But one year, I don't know how, we caught a lot of breaks and made the tournament. In fact, we won our first couple games in the dance and were in the final four. I think that our team name was Ditka or Rectal Binge at the time (one year I named us Rodmonium's Big Top Adventure which made so little sense that it was great). Our semifinal game was on a Saturday morning and we were taking it seriously because if you were champions, they gave you a free t-shirt and a case of Pepsi (which could be mixed with Old Crow!). So the team decided to play it chill on Friday and instead do a team-building exercise.

That meant driving to Cincy and going to a strip club. What better way to motivate than titties to the face? So we get there and take our seats right next to the stage. It was your typical Deja Vu experience: annoying DJ, Cinnamon on the stage, telling stripper after stripper "not right now"...normal shit. They didn't serve alcohol since this was a fully nude joint but we did imbibe at least 200 O'Douls per man hoping that we could catch a slight buzz. We did not. One of the two token black strippers takes the center stage for her turn to jiggle and gyrate and my attention wanes. I start discussing with one of my friends something about how O'Douls isn't that bad or Broomball strategy or some such nonsense. Either way, I wasn't following the performance art by Precious in front of me. So Shaneequa comes over to me, has the nerve to interrupt my conversation, and says...

"What's-a matt-uh, baby, don't you want any of this sweet brown sugar?"

I had no reply to this. I was mortified. No, I did not want any of her sweet brown sugar but at the same time, I do enjoy women who take their clothes off for money. You can see my connundrum.  I think that I just apologized. I should have told her how much I enjoy Serena's thickness so we were cool. That would have gotten me off the hook. She went over to one of my other friends, Peterson, as he had a dollar on the stage for her. I shit you not, the nubian princess tried to do some spinny move and kicked him in the head with her heel. She was the worst stripper ever. We ended up losing the semifinal game the next day largely in part because Sweet Brown Sugar put a curse on us. Stupid bitch. But I still can't see a bag of brown sugar without chuckling to myself. 

Strip Club horror stories? Please share them. I once watched two women wrestle in a pool filled with bag lettuce. It was "Salad Wrestling Night" at the Vu. One of the girls cut herself in the inflatable pool. She was dripping blood. It was a bigger boner-kill than church. And, of course, how could we forget about Drew's friend and attempted rapist, ALVIN!!!

Finally, before we go, let's play "Name That Commenter". One of our commenters recently went to a strip club by himself on a Thursday evening. He paid for a lap dance from an Asian chick. She offered to blow him for $80. He said no (smart move). I think the story goes that he counter-offered with an HJ for the 65 bucks in his wallet. She accepted. They finished the transaction and he walked out. He said that he didn't care if I told this story as long as I left his name out. Commenters, NAME THAT COMMENTER!!! Hopefully, Mr. Ace has something good planned for tomorrow.  It better not be a re-hash about the time that he met the one rapper from Third Bass either.

Monday, June 27, 2011

College Week: The Real Life Double Deuce

Forever will be the best punch in the history of punching.
Gentlemen, prepare to embark on a tremendous week-long journey that we will creatively title: COLLEGE WEEK! We're all well past the age where we can get away with three day drinking binges and non-drug test jobs. But it's never a bad thing to reminisce about the glory days that have nothing to do with dead black saxophone players who play in a shitty band (Springsteen sucks!). It doesn't matter what happens in the world of sports for the next five days because we aren't covering it, motherfuckers! Anyway, here is day one's tale from my early twenties.

It was early Spring of my Senior year. My buddy, Rune, who I have known forever had just gotten out of active duty with the Marines to go to school at Ohio State. He was able to make the 2 hour trip to Oxford for one night just to visit/get hammered. I didn't really have anything special planned. I'm a hole-in-the-wall kind of guy when it comes to drinking establishments and, at the time, most of my friends from school were too. So the tentative plan was just to go to CJ's and drink $1.25 High Life's all night. It was a great plan because that bar was so nasty that it was awesome and I loved it. But I'm too old and refined to go in there now.

Now a little background on my alma mater. It is HUGE when it comes to fraternities. That was/probably is still incredibly annoying. You are never not around these wundercunts. Most of them think that they are tough shit, especially when out in a group, prowling the streets for their next victim to gang-rape. However, I had grown to ignore them and their douchetastic ways over the previous three years. That's the best thing about college: learning to grow up and be your own man while completely ignoring the people that are worse than you (like frat braaaaaaaaahs!). So anyway, back to the bar.

We're sitting at one of CJ's fine indoor picnic tables and playing "Drink The High Life" when a couple of the aforementioned bro-chachos come in. Now, we are all conditioned to dismiss these cocksuckers from experience, but this is all new to Rune. He is perturbed by this stupid machismo. I can understand him. These two guys are awful. I'm surprised that they weren't icing each other.  So they start hugging and shit and "what up, brah"-ing but Rune had had enough. He tells me that he's going to go say something. Sensing trouble, I let my buddy Joel (a giant of a man and an incredibly nice guy, he used to read this site, if you still do--Hello Joel!) know to be on high alert. That was a good idea.

To the two frat chaches...Rune: "Hey guys, this isn't a gay bar".

GREAT line. I should have given him a standing ovation for that. However, as you can imagine, meatheads don't like to be called fags. One of them threw a suckerpunch that landed on Rune's jaw. It didn't do much to him though. Joel was up and into the puncher's face. I hopped over the picnic table with my cat-like quickness and held the other guy against the bar wall with my forearm in his throat. Did I mention that the guy I went after had a broken arm in a cast? Probably should have mentioned that since I am EXACTLY the kind of guy who would go after a cripple in a bar brawl. I tell the gimp, "Way to go asshole, your buddy just punched a Marine".  Remember, this was just a little over a year removed from 9/11 and decent human beings didn't try to send our military personnel to the hospital then.

The bar staff breaks things up and I let go of my light choke hold only to see Rune with a case of Ron Artest crazy eyes the likes of which would make Metta World Peace cower in fear. Now I don't actually think that Rune would have ended these fuckers, but let's just say I'm glad that that wasn't really an option. Because, obviously, he had the training to END THOSE FUCKERS.  By the way, since we were regulars at that bar, the two rapists were kicked out while we were allowed to stay. Which is the way it should have been since my goddamn name is on that bar wall for all of eternity due to my epic drinking skills.

Anyway, we get back to our place and Rune is still fuming. He has this bright idea of going out and looking for those two guys. I advise him that that is an awful idea since it's 4 AM and we know nothing about those guys or where they live. Night ended. No further drama.  If you don't HATE frat boys, you will just read this post while air-wanking.  But I just wanted to start COLLEGE WEEK off on the right foot with a good story about bar brawling and calling a frat fag a fag. I love a good bar fight. Whether it be my history of throwing a drunk Brutus Buckeye out of a bar for fighting when I was a bouncer or the full blown race war (I'm not kidding, read that) that I got to witness, nothing beats alcohol-fueled fisticuffs. So consider this an open forum for your stories on good bar skirmishes that you have seen in your life.

And the moral of the story, kids, is this: When in doubt, go after the asshole with the broken arm.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Cavs Are Now The Asexual All-Stars

Jeff Van Gundy or Ravishing Rick Rude???
I love me some NBA Draft.  It is always a glorious watch.  Foreigners having terrible interviews, Mark Jones doing an even worse job asking them questions, Stu Scott's one eye, David Stern getting booed but always making me laugh when he mentions the WNBA, it's all great.  Last night was no exception.

Look, I know that the talent level is supposedly down this year.  We all know that.  But there are players that will end up being stars.  There always are.  And I'm sick of people saying that this is the worst draft ever.  No it isn't.  Until someone worse than Andrea Bargnani and Kwame Brown get picked first, there will never be a worse draft than those two.  And go ahead and look at the 2000 Draft.  Kenyon Martin and 9 horrible players went in the top ten.  So take it easy on the 2011 Draft.  A few notes:

*How goddamn lucky is Joe Dumars?  That's two years in a row that he had an insane talent drop in his lap because NBA GM's are idiots.  Brandon Knight was a steal and he is going to make them better just because now the stupid experiment of making Rod Munch a PG was a complete failure.  Damn Pistons.  They were supposed to waste a pick on BIYOMBO!  Rnjoy Kyle Singler, fags.

*How long before PrimeTonyB gets himself a JIMMER jersey?  I'm guessing he already has an autographed Book of Mormon.

*The Blazers drafted Jon Diebler for some reason.  I see why they would though.  Just imagine how fun it would be to cut that rat-faced cunt.

*Going into last night, I wanted the Cavs to take Kyrie and My Name Is Jonas Valanciunas.  Why?  The Cavs don't need a power forward, they need everything else though.  So to me, Derrick Williams was out of the picture from the start.  Whether you think that JJ and Andy are players is irrelevant because they are going to be in NE Ohio for awhile so there is no reason to clog the 4 hole on your team.  Unless Byron Scott has some type of weirdo three PF offense.  He better fucking not.  The Cavs need players.  As simple as that sounds, it really is that simple.  They need building blocks.  Which is also why I wanted Jonas.  I don't give a fuck if he couldn't play next year.  There might not even be a next year anyway.  If Fran Frittata compares him to Pau Gasol, that is a guy that I want to play with Kyrie forever.  And the Cavs are a lottery team next year anyway, so who cares if he's around this year or not?  But...

*I have no idea why they drafted Tristan Thompson.  You didn't want a power forward at 1, but were OK with a worse PF at 4?  Clearly, the team loved him and I want to support the organization, yet I can't shake the fact that another 4 was not needed!  Fuck!  Utah fucked us over for Anus Kanter!  Calm down, G$, maybe Andy or JJ are on their way to Memphis for Rudy Gay or something.  I don't know.  That pick wasn't sexy at all, but I must keeep the faith and assume that they know what they are doing and spent 2 high picks on black dudes with girly first names.  I think the worst part of last night was that I had some strange delusion that the Cavs would be drafting Magic and Bird.  I got my hopes up...it was disappointing but we'll see how it plays out.  It's not like this is the last time that they'll be in the lottery.

Either way, welcome to Cleveland, Kyrie and the rest of the picks.  No pressure or anything, but your new owner has you winning a title before the Heat do.  CHAMPIONSHIP!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Happiness Is A Lukewarm $10 Draft Beer Served By A Homeless Man

Everything about this guy is terrific.  Old school Jays hat, smoke, peanuts, Irish coffee, mustache, and kiddie porn.
You know how old-timey baseball writers like to talk about the beauty and majesty of a day at the ballpark and all of that other crap? As corny as it sounds, it's sort of true. While watching baseball on TV is GRUELING, actually going to a game is almost always a good time. Beer and hot dogs help with that, but there is something intrinsically cool about sitting out in the sun for 3-4 hours waiting for a bench clearing brawl to start (I've seen TWO!) or praying for a perfect game. If I would ever somehow fall ass-backwards into a fortune, I would make a point to spend an entire summer going to everyone MLB park. It's something that I would love to do. Yet baseball is the only sport in which I would do this. Football is better on TV and that is really the only other option. I would never go to a Florida Panthers or a Detroit Pistons game.

Which leads me to today's post. I have been fortunate enough to attend an MLB game in ten of the current parks (there are 30, idiots). I want to rank my five favorite, my least favorite, and a few that I really, really want to get to at some point.

My 5 Favorite:
The also rans - SkyDome (Toronto), Fenway Park (Boston), US Cellular Field (White Sox), PetCo Park (San Diego)
5. Comerica Park, Detroit - Eh, I've got nothing bad to say about the building.  The people inside of it is another story.
4. (New) Yankee Stadium, NY - It definitely has a WOW factor to it, but it is so fucking pricy.
3. Progressive Field, Cleveland - It really hasn't diminished at all since the day it opened.
2. Coors Field, Denver - I loved it eventhough I had explosive diarrhea due to too many Fat Tire's the night before.
1. Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore - Just an outstanding place.  It really is.  Baltimore is a terrible city yet that stadium is amazing.

The Worst:
1. Wrigley Field - Wrigley Field itself might as well be a landfill.  Drunken idiots who NOTHING about baseball except for how much the beer costs spend $50 on bleacher tickets.  FIFTY bucks to sit in the bleachers.  And people pay this!  It only costs 15-20 bucks to sit in the Yankee Stadium bleachers and they actually put out a good product.  And let's not forget the urinal troughs in the men's room.  Nasty.

The Quasi-Best:
1. Wrigley Field Rooftop - Do it.  Just do it once.  It will cost you $150-$200, but it is worth every penny to say that you did it.  And if you're really worried about the sunk cost of the ticket, you can always try to eat and drink your ticket price back...everything is free once you get up there.

My Bucket List:
1. Miller Park, Milwaukee - Miller beers are terrible (except High Life) but you know that the brats would be incredible.
2. Pac Bell Park, San Fran - Definitely the coolest looking park I've seen.
3. Great American Ballpark, Cincy - STILL haven't been there and my team just played 90 minutes away from house!
4. PNC Park, Pittsburgh - It's been ranked the best park more than once and I loooooove me some Buccos!
5. Dodger Stadium, LA - Who doesn't want to put a fag Giants fan in a coma?

Those are just five. Like I said, I want to go to all of them...except for the two shitholes in Florida. They can get fucked. So consider this an open forum to discuss your favorite and least favorite baseball stadiums. I can tell you one thing, even if I didn't hate the Red Sox, I would tell you that that place is a RAT-INFESTED SHITHOLE.  Even when I was a little kid and went there, I could tell that the place should be burned down.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Road Rage and Sexy Time: An Open Forum


Douche Lord of the Week. "Drew can't stop texting me about how retarded Iceman looks in the banner. Take that as a compliment." -G$. I do take it as a compliment, and it shall stay.

Road Rage. I used to road rage with the best of them. I would tailgate. I would lay on the horn until it broke. I would hang half my body out the window and flip people the bird. But I have grown since then, realizing that doing all that shit only made me more pissed off that I couldn't legally ram their car and Ryan Dunn their asses.

But a couple weeks ago the perfect storm of rage hit. I got off work at 11:00 PM and was making the 2.5 hour drive back to Naptown that night. There were thunderstorm warnings until 3:00 AM so this drive was going to suck...even more than a typical 2.5 hour drive in the middle of the night after working 16 hours on a Saturday would. But I've got a cigar to last the trip, so at least I've got that going for me.

So I'm on 23 just getting past Delaware, and it happens. Some raging whore bag bitch pulls out in front of me in her 1992 Neon. She jumps over to the left lane and goes 5 MPH under the speed limit right next to a car in the right lane. This shit makes my fucking blood boil. Why don't people get ticketed for driving under the speed limit in the fast lane? They should be confined and given experimental drugs because those people are a detriment to society.

I'm pissed, but I've got a nice buzz going and a long trip ahead of me so I don't let this minor delay get to me. I'm a master of self-control and this hoebag will certainly be out of my way in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. But she doesn't move, and neither does the car beside her. They stay in front of me, mocking me. Daring me to dream up new creative ways to kill her and her family and destroy the evidence, knowing the entire time I would be doing the Lord's work.

My patience is gone. I've been driving behind these asshats for 15 minutes without any opportunity to pass. I'm tailgating this bitch like a mofo. I lay on the horn. I flash the brights. I'm leaning over top of the steering wheel screaming "Are you fucking kidding me?" She finally passes the car to her right and then pulls into the right lane. And this is when I pull out my favorite road rage maneuver. I slam the gas, pull up right beside her. She's looking at me and I'm looking at her. I roll down the window, continue to stare at her, and just point right at her like I'm a fucking mad man. I don't even break my stare to look at the road. I am just mind murdering her with a blunt object over and over and she knows it. I imagine puffing the cigar made her think she would never be found.

In closing, I fucking hate people who can't drive. Not going to use a signal to change lanes? Fuck you. Going to pull out in front of me when you're dead stopped and I'm going 60? Fuck you. Think your text is so fucking important that you don't realize you are driving in my lane? Fuck you. Want to go 45 in the fast lane? FUCK YOU WITH A SYPHILIS RIDDEN CHAIN SAW!

If her parents only knew. Mrs. Ace was telling me about some story she heard on the radio about a girl telling how her parents caught her having sex. I have a similar story. I was still living with my parents in the summer of 2003, just about to move up to Toledo for college. Which means if I wanted to get some action at home, I had to be discrete. So I covered my tracks very well, always making sure I took proper care to dispose of "safe sex materials". Unfortunately, my parents had a dog that was a direct spawn of Satan and fucking hated me. One night he decided to shred through the trash in the garage, where I placed my top secret items. Sure enough, my mother walks into the garage and the dog is standing there holding a rubber in his mouth like he just found a latex sack of milk bones. Needless to say, my mother was less than impressed.

Feel free to share your own tails of embarrassment and debauchery in the comments.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Lights, Camera, Shaq-tion

On second thought, maybe not...
I could spend the day welcoming Kyrie Irving to Believeland (as Ric "Giant Douche" Bucher is reporting to be official), but that's what Friday is for, dammit. Instead, I have to squeeze out a quick post today due to my wife being a horrible wife (her job is really getting in the way of my quiet time on the couch). So what can we talk about...(looks around)...(still has nothing)...OH WAIT!

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL SEX TAPE!!!

Now I freely admit not to know everything about this story. But from what I do gather, some slimeball music producer has/had security footage of Shaq fucking different skanks while he was still married to Shawnie. This is almost too good to be true. I really hope that is. I would totally watch a Shaq sex tape. I'd bet that it's hilarious and it has to be better than Chyna's (which I have sampled...sad face). He has to say nothing but weird shit during coitus. Giving himself a new nickname in between each pelvic thrust. The possibility for injury and weight gain. The chance that he screams KAZAAM upon skeeting. Who wouldn't watch this? No, seriously, show yourself! I thought that I knew all of you, but if you are going to sit here and tell me that you don't want to watch a 7 foot, 350 black man drive his stick-shift to poundtown, then you should just stop visiting this site.

Speaking of celebrities fucking (sort of), I was going to submit this to Iceman's Friday Funbags but whatever. Every single one of us has been aroused by the movie Mean Girls at some point, right? We can all agree to this? Good. I don't plan on stopping enjoying the hotness of this movie either. It's Lohan at her absolute peak, dammit! And while McAdams is weird-looking, the other two (Lacey and Amanda Seyfried) continue to be smoking today. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan will likely kill herself at some point. It's inevitable. Once this does happen, do you think that that de-bonerfies Mean Girls? Let's go a little more hardcore. Pornstars die all the time from AIDS or shame. Once they croak, are you still allowed to crank? Is that too morbid or should it be taken as a tribute wanking? Not that I make a habit of beating off to the deceased (I'm married and porn grosses me out!), but I'm interested to know if there is some sort of protocol here. Like once Susie Swallows sucks that great cock in the sky, you shouldn't be aroused by her anymore. Thoughts? Basically, I want to know if I need to remove Ryan Dunn from my spank bank.  I guess that that is what I'm trying to get at.

Hi, I'm Ryan Dunn and this is me BURNING ALIVE! 

How about that for topics? Shaq fucking on film and/or cuffing your carrot to dead chicks. I am a delight. Well, I might as well make the announcement now just in case some of you aren't necrophiliacs or hate interracial porn...stay tuned because all of next week is...COLLEGE STORY WEEK!!!

Oh, what did you get Terrelle Pryor for his 22nd birthday yesterday?

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm Better At Predicting Than Adam Dunn Is At Hitting

Eh, close enough.  Bodypaint is incredible.
Adam Dunn is the fucking worst.  He is hands down the least valuable player in all of baseball at any level this season.  He fucking sucks.  And you know what, he always has.  It was always covered up though by his power.  But now that he plays in the superior league, that power is gone.  What is left is a strikeout machine that makes the Brothers Upton (both ridiculously overrated as well) blush.  But enough about the worst guy on my fantasy team that I can't just cut ties with for some reason, how about a look back at my preseason predictions to see how we're doing?

First of all, there really is no "feel good"story for this season yet.  Initially, we thought that it could be the Indians and their rowdy band of wannabe's, but they have fallen back to Earth quickly (as has been discussed here ad nauseum).  Then we thought that maybe we could all rally behind Bartolo Colon's Cy Young quest.  But he got hurt and already has that award on lockdown anyway.  So now what?  There really is nothing.  ALAS, something is brewing up North right now and I'm calling it.  The Twins, once TWENTY game back in the Central, will WIN the division still.  They are healthy finally and on fire.  Their bilateral leg strength is back!  And that is the play.  Minnesota will be that hook that draws interest.  Let's judge my preseason picks though:

AL East:
Pre - Red Sox, Yankees*, Jays, O's, Rays
Now - I'm going to stick with the same.  The Red Sox are annoyingly awesome.  Since they are the only team that the Yanks can't beat, fuck it.  I have to keep them as the winner.  But I will say this, only 3 teams in the last 75 years have won the World Series with the best regular season record.  So...Go Red Sox???

AL Central:
Pre - Twins, White Sox, Tigers, Losedians, Royals
Now - Flip the Tigers and Sox.  Like I said, I'm buying the shit out of the Twinks.  Much to everyone's dismay, Mountain Dewlander has been beyond nasty.  He's probably on roids.  And nobody cares about this division.

AL West:
Pre - A's, Angels, Rangers, Mariners
Now - Yuck, let's just switch it all and pick the Mariners to win.  You know, maybe the M's are the story of the year after all.  Clearly, that is all due to the greatness of Eric Wedge's mustache.  The Rangers don't have enough pitching just as I said before the season.

NL East:
Pre - Phillies, Braves*, Marlins, Nats, Mets
Now - Move the Marlins to last and everyone else up one.  And the Braves won't win the wild card either.  I've been surprised by the Mets actually.  They are the worst team in the league but aren't playing like it.  Probably because Jose Reyes is The Truth.

NL Central:
Pre - Brewers, Reds, Cardinals, Pirates, Cubs, Astros
Now - I like it.  I'm sticking with it.  The Brewers would be unbeatable if they got to play all of their games at home.  The Reds have no pitching.  The Cardinals kind of suck, too.  My call for the Buccos to finish above .500 is looking quite solid.  When you look at the Cubs and see that they have a 135 million dollar payroll, you immediately have to ask, "who are they paying that kind of money, too?"  Is Blake DeWitt pulling in 45 million this year?

NL West:
Pre - Rockies, Giants, Dodgers, D-Backs, Padres
Now - The Giants will win.  I think that the Rockies get hot and take the wild card.  The Dodgers are horrible.  Arizona has been surprisingly decent which is almost entirely due to the coaching combo of Kirk Gibson and Alan Trammel, I'm sure.

Awards:
AL MVP Pre: A-Rod.  AL MVP Now: A-Gonzo.  I should have known better.  A-Rod has been fine but he's too old to be winning MVP awards now.  Adrian has this bitch wrapped up although Joey Bats, Teix Message, and Granderson all deserve consideration.
NL MVP Pre: Ryan Braun.  NL MVP Now: Prince Fielder.  Braun is a solid choice, but Prince is killing it.  Reyes and Tulo also earn mention.

AL Cy Pre: Jon Lester.  AL Cy Now: Bartolo.  If the voters are assholes, and they are, they will give it to Skoal Banditlander.
NL Cy Pre: Roy Halladay.  NL Cy Now:  Cole Hamels.  This was Josh Johnson's to lose...and his vagina lost it.

AL Mgr Pre: Bob Geren of the A's who already got fired.  AL Mgr Now: WEDGEY!!!
NL Mgr Pre: Ron Roenicke of the Brew.  NL Mgr Now:  Still Roenicke.

AL ROY Pre and Now: Michael Pineda
NL ROY Pre: Brandon Belt.  NL ROY Now:  Does Danny Espinosa count?  Who cares?  Gotcha.

World Series Pre:  Yankees over Phillies.
World Series Now:  Brewers over Red Sox.  Yes I changed my tune.

Not bad, eh?  Before I go, I would like to let you all in on a little secret.  I asked She$ to buy me a bag of Starburst at the store this weekend because, you know, Starburst are awesome.  On accident, she bought a bag of Starburst ALL RED.  No lemon or orange!  Just cherry, strawberry, watermelon, and fruit punch.  I can't tell you how great this is.  Lemon Starburst are the Detroit Tigers of Starburst.

Friday, June 17, 2011

BREAKING: Worst Magazine Ranks Worst Of The Worst

Do you honestly think that she would work for the worst team in sports?  I love her.
I really had nothing for today (this is becoming a habit on Friday) until the drive home from work yesterday.  The local sportstalk idiot was yammering about a new article from ESPN: The Magazine that rated all professional sports franchises from the four main sports.  Now, I didn't read it or even look at it but that is because I am absolutely goddamn sick of ESPN stealing my ideas.  Don't believe me?

Ranking the franchises from 1-122?  Sounds like my weekly "Worst Of" columns during football season.
Who's Now?  Uh, that's a hack version of The Money Shot Man Of The Year (Arthur Moats and Corey Wootton!)
Mount Rushmore?  A carbon copy of my running diary for The 2011 AVN Awards.

ESPN is ripping me right off.  I want reparations, dammit.  In the words of Adrian Peterson, I feel like a slave.  Motherfuck do I miss football talk.  I really want to talk about football again.  Where were we?  Oh yes, the ESPN article.  Like I said, I have no clue who was ranked 1 through 121.  What I do know is that they want us to believe that the Cincinnati Bengals are the worst team in all of sports.  Huh?

Look, I think we can all agree that the Bengals are an awful franchise.  Mike Brown is a terrible owner.  His daughter should be caddying on the LPGA Tour.  That guy who cut people on Hard Knocks had a FUPA the size of Charlie Weis.  They employ John Cooper as a scout and he's one of only a few while normal teams have tons of them.  Their star QB would rather not play football than take one more snap for them.  They've let Ochocinco become one of the bigger fuckheads in the NFL.  The Arrests.  Chris Henry committing truck-icide.  And so on and so on and so on.  We all know about Bengals.

But they won the AFC North (possibly the toughest division to win in football) two years ago.  Marvin Lewis is a good coach despite the morons above him.  The defense is good.  They've drafted well recently.  I doubt that they sell out, but it's not like they are putting tarps over sections in the upper deck.  This is bullshit.  The Bengals are bad, but they aren't the worst which, to me, makes this worst magazine even worse than the second worst magazine (Cat Fancy).  Who's worse than Phil Simms' Bingles?  How about these:

The Raiders?  Al Davis much?
The Lions?  Matt Millen AND a winless season?
The Bills?  No, it's not the Bills.  They're awesome.
The Pirates?  While they are 35-33 right now(!), they haven't been over .500 in 18 years!
The Cubs?  108 years of terrible and about to get swept this weekend.
The Mets?  Apparently David Einhorn/Ray Finkle can buy them for a buck?  Is this true?
The Royals?  Melky Cabrera is their best player...or at least the only one I can remember right now.
The Thrashers/Winnipeg?
The Islanders?
My Blue Jackets?  God, that hurts.
THE FUCKING CLIPPERS?  They DO have the worst owner in sports with his racism and heckling of own players and just traded the #1 pick for Jamario Moon.

Shut up, ESPN.  Just stop.  No one reads your magazine except for the bum that wipes his ass with it.  And stop trying to charge me for Insider and hiding decent online content.  That's weak.  I'm not paying to read Chad Ford's Mock Drafts, you skidmarks!

I'm just glad that I'm sort of talking about the NFL again...even if it is sort of defending the Bengals.  Ugh, I guess it's truck-icide for me this weekend.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's Time To End Fan-Douche Lordery

Are you kidding me?  Was it really THAT fucking hard to pick a team to root for?  Did you really need ro ruin TWO jerseys?  I hope you die of juvenile diabetes, you tub of shit and grease.
Sports fashion. It isn't just a topic for the gays anymore. We will be fisting the hell out of this topic today for reasons that I shouldn't need to explain. While fans (which is short for "fanatic", thanks, Cowherd) have always been complete rubes when it came to supporting their teams, I have noticed that they dress even worse now. Maybe it's always been this way and I'm just realizing it. Whatever it is, I figured today would be a lovely day to unleash my guide to fan fashion so that while you may be sitting in the stands with a BAL of .2+ and drooling all over the housewife in front of you, at least you won't look like a douchebag.

Now, I am not qualified at all to be judging how people dress. I haven't bought new pants or jeans in over 4 years (and have no plans to unless a taint hole grows larger than a quarter). Those pants are a part of the family. When it comes to gear, though, I know what I like. Call me an asshole if you want to, but I love me some retro jerseys and hats. If I was a rapper, and God willing one day I will be, I would wear nothing but jerseys of players that saw their last action at least a decade before I was born. There is definitely a shelf life for these though.

A Brett Favre Packers jersey? YOU ARE GAY. A Brett Favre Falcons jersey? What are you drinking because I'm buying due to your awesome find in retro clothing. Ace has an Eagles Ron Jaworski jersey. Dut has a Brian Sipe (sort of). All respectable regardless of the person wearing it deserving none of your respect. Whenever I wear my Yankees Shane Spencer jersey out, I always get compliments. I've spent the last few years trying to track down a Darrell Green jersey to solidify my awesomeness and remind everyone that the Skins used to draft well AND were champions. Old school is always badass and always will be. You know, on a related note (sort of), one of these days, I'm going to get around to listing the greatest logos in the history of professional sport. That will be a great topic. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, here are ten horrible sports fashion statements that all fans should avoid (in no particular order):

*NFL Brand Sideline Gear - What is with this shit anyway? Every year they force hurt players and coaches to wear the ugliest shit possible. This past year's version was some sort of weirdo steel gray dragon-esque pattern that made no sense at all. Logo Athletic sharktooth pattern that Denny Green used to hilariously wear or GTFO.
*Team Championship Hats - You just won the title in your respective sport! To commemorate this occasion, let's strap some of the ugliest hats ever created onto your sweaty dome! You won't care anyway!  Just look at what Dallas was given...those things would look better with poop on them.
*Pink Jerseys - Made popular by stupid bandwagon Red Sox fans in the early 2000's, these things are a travesty.
*Off Color Hats - A green Boston hat? A red Yankees hat? Get fucked. Buy the real thing or die. Speaking of hats, anyone else hate the current new "cool" way to wear them with the kiddies these days with no bend in the bill and sitting cock-eyed on your head. I want to kill this look.
*Your Name On A Jersey - Why? What is the point of this exercise? Or even worse, when dumbasses put their own nicknames on the back. Like you see some guy wearing an Albert Pujols jersey but it says "SKEETER" on the back. You should get lupus, Skeeter.
*Team-Based Camouflage Pants - A specialty of Ravens fans with their purple camos. Truly a horrible look. Unless you've been shot at during wartime, you probably shouldn't be wearing these anyway. Who exactly are you hiding your legs from?
*Signs/Gloves - Not really clothing but I feel that it warrants mention. What is wrong with these people that think that bringing a sign to a game is a good idea. I've heard of Cubs fans holding "World's Greatest Network" signs to get on TV...is getting on TV for two seconds still a big deal or are Cubs fans just ham-fisted mongoloids? I was watching a Cubs/stros game with Reba a few years back some tard had a sign th ta said "Houson, you have a problem".  Reba found it hilarious.  So yes, all Cubs fans are elementary school dropouts.  They almost have to be.  Anyway, I have already made my intentions quite clear in the past regarding bringing a glove to a baseball game. Once you turn ten, LEAVE IT AT HOME, YOU FERRY!
*Miami Heat Merchandise - Unless you are an asshole that likes to be hated by everyone then by all means, go for it. There can't be any fanbase that I respect less than the new wave of bandwagon Heat fans.
*Green Man - OK, this has run it's course. You see these guys everywhere now. The fellas who did it for the Canucks games are alright, but everyone else needs a new schtick. We get it. You watched and clearly enjoyed a three year old episode of It's Always Sunny. Everyone knows that the best part of that episode was when Elvin from The Cosby Show played the role of Donovan McNabb anyway.
*Anything NASCAR - I think that they go out of their way to make every piece of NASCAR-related clothing as hideous as possible. The sponsor logo always takes up 90% of the shirt/hat. And somewhere else is the driver's autograph screened on. You know, if NASCAR came to me and said "design a t-shirt for Jeff Gordon that is 99% less gay than he is", I would just put "24" in six inch numbers with the same font and colors that is on his car on it. That's it. That's all you need. And it's 8 times less white trash than a silhouette of Dale Sr's mustache, sunglasses, and broken neck with INTIMIDATOR written in 18 foot high letters. "Simple" is ALWAYS better.

I would also like to re-state how much I hate "Buckeye Guy". Everything about him is objectionable. Cape. Cowboy hat. Face paint. Local car salesman who is probably dirty. Black. What a turd. I really want to see Drew (not our Drew, but Li'l Poopson) beat the shit out of that prick.

In conclusion, BRING BACK ZUBAZ PANTS!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tell Me How My Dirk Tastes

(I fucking hate this guy, but that's hilarious)

Douche Lord of the Week: Iceman is Douche Lord of the Week for his comments yesterday. Do you see what douchey Cleveland fans do to people? They make haters just as douchey as Cleveland fans. And yes, he is Andy Milonakis's twin.

LeBron is not Jordan. Nobody is Michael Jordan. When I hear LeBron's name the first players that come to mind are Delonte West and Rashard Lewis. Get it? Because they fucked his mother and girlfriend. Imagine if that happened to Jordan. Do you think he would just shrivel up in the Finals like Lebortion? Of course not. He would hang 50 every game and then go have a threesome with their grandmothers, because that's what champions do.

And if/when the Heatles make it over the hump, it won't be LeBron getting the credit. There will be Jordan with Pippen, Magic with Worthy and Kareem, Bird with McHale, Olajuwon with Drexler, and there will be WADE with Bron and Bosh. Unless LeBron has a total makeover of his personality, Wade will have to carry that team in the Finals. Don't think for a second that Bron is going to get Jordan-like credit for his rings, he'll be getting Pippen credit.

Here are some players that LeBron can be compared to:
Scottie Pippen. Barkley brought this up and I think it's a good comparison. Yes, Bron has scored twice as much as Pippen at this point in his career, but I think Bron will be much more like Pippen in his future with the Heat. A defensive dog, great court vision(much better than Pippen), a good rebounder at the 3, and can create mismatches. And neither of them have the personality or fortitude to be the THEE guy.

Tracy McGrady. Bron isn't quite the choke artist that McGrady is. Bron has made it out of the first round. He has hit some clutch shots in the playoffs. But check out this T-Mac quote, "
I don't know what life is like, I don't know how regular people live. I just can never understand it. My first job was the NBA." So this is where LeBron gets his inspiration from.

Vince Carter. Remember when Vincanity was all the rage? Kind of like how Cleveland wanted everybody to Witness the King's greatness. Carter isn't as well rounded as Bron, but in his prime he was certainly every bit the scorer Bron is today, probably better...

Karl Malone. I really hope LeBron ends up ringless like the Mailman. But LeBron probably won't surround himself with white people like Malone did. And they are both terrible fathers.

Dominique Wilkins. Before Jordan started winning titles(which yes, Iceman, happened when Pippen arrived) the debate was who is better, Jordan or Dominique? So who is better, LeBron or Dominique?

Elgin Baylor. Baylor wasn't near the physical specimen as Bron, but at 6'5" he still managed to pull down 13 rebounds per game as well as scoring 27.4 ppg. Baylor stuck with the Lakers organization his entire career and didn't win a title. LeBron probably doesn't deserve to be mentioned with Elgin Baylor either.

No rings? Mark Cuban said he isn't giving his players rings, but will come up with something "next level". I'm cool with that, Cuban isn't your typical owner. But this could easily blow up in his face. What are you going to get NBA stars that they can't get themselves? The ring was the old standby because it was something the players had to earn, not just go out and buy. It doesn't seem like Cuban has his mind made up yet, so I think we should give him some suggestions.
1. Lifetime subscription to HDnet and all the porn channels and dirty movies you want. Brian Cardinal would use the fuck out of that.
2. A fucking island. Anywhere.
3. A MAVserati. Cuban would be gay enough to do this and I bet Dan Gilbert would ask for one.
4. A ho train to follow them around everywhere like The Godfather.
5. A private investigator so they aren't trying to marry crazy bitches like Dirk.

Suggestions in the comments.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Sad Evolution of an Indians Fan

I would like to buy that shirt.
I'm writing this on Monday night during the 5th inning of the fourth and final game of the Indians/Yankees series. The score is currently 1-0 Tribe as Car-lose Carrasco is dodging more bullets than Don "The Matador" Everest. I'm just going to assume that the Yankees win this because the Indians are terrible and have earned the right to be swept. How?
I don't give a fuck how much you suck and how terrible you are pitching, YOU DON'T GO HEAD-HUNTING, FAUSTO! I was at the gym when that happened on Friday and immediately yelled, to the delight of everyone in there at the time, "That is fucking BULLSHIT!" What kind of a coward gives up a dinger and then throws at the next guy's head. Keep in mind that the two hitters in question (Grandy and Teix) are arguably two of the nicest pussies in the sport. Why? Why would you do that. That's bush league. And then, since Manny Acta has to stand up for his players, Acta looks like an asshole for saying that it wasn't on purpose. Well, fuck you too, Latino Juan Snoad! But what is really impressive is how quickly the once "insurmountable" lead that the Tribe had has evaporated. It's almost unbelievable how fast that they've pissed this away.

So while everyone was high-fiving the denizens of Cleveland yesterday for the greatness of their Mav-aliers, it's time to go back to your "personal problems" ie. a baseball team that can't stop the bleeding. But since I kind of already went over this last Monday, how about a fresh take.

I was alerted by Dut yesterday that he had some juicy gossip for me. I was intrigued by the notion and relieved that it wasn't photos of his O-face. Dut, the little creeper that he is, has saved every single text message that Damman has sent him this season. Apparently, he wanted proof that AL Central smack talk actually existed in case anyone was wondering. I shit you not, what you read below is all true. Gentlemen, please enjoy today's post...The Sad Evolution of an Indians Fan.

4/15 - With our dominating pitching, we will be in every game this year

4/17 - Grady is back. Look the F out. This team isn’t going anywhere my friend
-Your snarky comments have no effect on me or the 1st place Indians

5/1 - Keep telling yourself that, but I think we both know this team isn’t going anywhere. We didn’t even have Pronk this weekend.

5/4 - They are so far ahead of the “favorites” already, they can coast
-As long as Choo is going out and getting shitfaced in April and not during the last week of the season like Miggy we’ll be fine

5/11 - Dude, we r not allowed to lose a game? My god, we faced Price tonight. Even the ’27 Yankees lost a game or 2

5/19 - DUT: Uh oh Fausto!
Damman: He’s fine. Shouldn’t you be watching the Tigers? Or did you decide to watch the best team in baseball for a change?
-Like I said, the Tribe just has to coast with all the shitty teams in the division

5/23 - Talk to me when you can at least sniff first place
-I don’t concern myself with mediocre teams
-Even your lame, faggy texts do not change the fact that the Tribe is the best team in baseball
-Michael Brantley says F you! The magic is back!
-Oh it must suck to not be a Tribe fan. What a fun bunch to watch.

5/31 - DUT: Are you missing Jhonny Peralta yet?
-Damman: We have Asdrubal so no. I will say it is really f’ing annoying seeing him do well. It won’t last.

6/8 - Supermanahan!
-Yeah I probably should have waited to send out any texts. This is brutal to watch.

I love it. The transformation from smug to defeated is tremendous.  I absolutely love how he admits that talking shit in April and May was fucking ridiculous. Indians fans: can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up.

Monday, June 13, 2011

This Post Will Be A Lot Better If Dallas Won Last Night

Just a typical day at Sportscenter.  What you can't see is #6's thoughts on the A's firing Bob Geren.  Via.
I'm doing my usual: writing Monday's post on Sunday afternoon.  So I have no idea if later tonight I will be completely ecstatic and flying around my living room doing The Jet or furious that Dallas is going to blow this.  The anticipation is killing me.  So how about a post of random topics to get you through today in hopes that we can celebrate a cHeat failure as well?  Sounds good to me.  By the way, these Finals have been terrific.  I just love that NO ONE is rooting for the cHeat and they are responding by being massive pussies.  Getting punked by Brian Cardinal and then faking ANOTHER injury is classic D-Wade.  You knew damn well that that drama queen wasn't hurt.  But enough about him.  Let's talk about Mr. Comes-Up-Small-All-The-Time.

You know, maybe it was HIM that was the problem? - Now hear me out here because even I don't really know how to make this make sense.  OK, so #6 leaves Cleveland for better teammates and a greater chance at winning more than 7 titles (which is tough to do on a 6 year contract but whatever).  So now he has an all-star team yet is coming off like a total turd in the 4th quarters of these Finals games.  In NE Ohio, when he came up small in crunch time, his teammates were to blame.  Well, now what's the excuse?  I'll say it...it's him.  He is the problem.  Maybe he's just not wired the way that we and media would like him to be.  Maybe he's just too soft.  His fag boyfriend Cowherd likes to talk shit about John Wall for being without a dad growing up and that will be the reason that he never wins a title, well, jerk, same thing here.  For a physical stud and Scottie Pippen's BFF, he sure does fail to meet expectations, oh I don't know, ALL THE TIME.  I'm growing tired of the excuses.  Win something and be the reason for it.  Because if Miami happens to win this in 7 games, it will not be because of him.  And that leads me to believe that even with a ring this year, The Decision will STILL be a failure after year one.

But then again, the women in his life are absolutely horrible about fucking other people - Last year, it was Gloria slobbing on Delonte's knob.  This time around, it's girlfriend Savannah getting rawdogged by Rashard Lewis.  And that is the underground explanation for why #6 has been terrible in the Finals.  Once again, a woman in his life is sucking some monster black cock and causing the "global icon" to go into a shell.  This just makes me laugh.  And you know it's true.  It's way too random to not be.  Even when Rashard isn't getting the best of #6 on the court, he's still getting the best of #6 off of it.  Delightful.  And Savannah is hot as fuck.

This realignment proposal is stupid - Interleague play all season?  Houston in the AL?  I get why the NL Central teams would be pissed that the AL West teams have much better odds at getting in the postseason just due to the numbers.  But the Cubs and Pirates wouldn't get into the playoffs even if they were there own two team fucking division!  Do you really want 3-4 teams from the AL East in the playoffs every year?  The Central may never have a playoff team ever again.  On second thought, that might be a good idea after all.

Vancouver on the verge of being the worst champion in the history of sports - They have 6 goals in 5 games yet are 60 minutes away from the Cup.  SIX.  And I don't care, Roberto Luongo is terrible.

Charlie Coles coming back to Columbus, yo! - Mark it on your calendars, people.  December 22nd, 2011, the Charlie Coles Retirement Tour runs through Nationwide Arena as the RedHawks will once again play ugly basketball with the Fuckeyes.  I assume that I will be there.  In case you were wondering why Nationwide, in order to host the NCAA tournament (which they are this year), the Fuckeyes have to play one game in that building.  This is that game.  And we will win.

Get well soon, Bartolo - 2011 Cy Young Award Lock, Bartolo Colon, is headed to the DL with a hamstring issue.  His hamstring is close to his ample suppy of performance-enhancing ass fat so this shouldn't be too big of a deal.  We'll talk more about this amazing Indians collapse and what I assume will be a 4 game Yankees sweep tomorrow.

That about covers it.  For those who were on the edge of their seats last Wednesday, I can assure you that Mr. Ace is not quitting.  He's not man enough to come at me.  As well he shouldn't.  He knows damn well that I have proof of Mrs. Ace and Rashard Lewis getting all sorts of nekkid.  GO MAVS?

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Hump Day Hump: NCAA Football 12


Douche Lord of the Week: Gordon Gee is king douche lord for about a million reasons; bow ties, sisters of the poor, being Tressel's bitch, etc. He belongs here.


Lets all overreact together over a video game. I don't know if being 25 and looking at leaked ratings for a video game makes me cool or makes me a child molester, or both, but I did it anyways. With the NFL lockout looming, NCAA 12 has the potential to be YHUGE! Without an actual NFL season people won't give a fuck about Madden...unless they're black, black people love them some Madden.

Take a look at the ratings here. Here are my reactions.
*EA Sports would have been the easiest teachers in the world. Bowling Green at a C-? Not unless that stands for Hep C.
*Terrell Pryor! clap clap clap clap clap. So much for that A+ offense.
*So LSU is B+ offense, A- defense, B- special teams, and still A overall…how does Les Miles coaching=A+?
*Auburn isn’t a Top 25 team. The SEC is going to stomp them this year. EA knows this.
*Jacory Harris-Randy Shannon+Al Golden= A? Tate Forcier didn’t think so.
*Penn State doesn’t have a real Quarterback on the roster. They haven’t been an A team since Kijana Carter.
*Michian gets an A- rating. That’s hilarious. Hoke-a-Mania only gets A++.
*I will bet a 12 pack of Bud Select 55, or whatever G$ drinks, that Toledo finishes better than Miami(OX) in the MAC this year.

To take it a step further, according to EA Sports the 2012 BCS bowls would look like this:

National Championship: Alabama vs Oklahoma

Rose Bowl: Wisconsin* vs Stanford (I'm assuming tOSU's roster has not been updated for the departure of Terrell "#1 Buckeye" Pryor and the ratings not updated for a new head coach, so we will go with the next B1G team)

Sugar Bowl: Boise St vs Florida St

Orange Bowl: WVU vs Oklahoma St

Fiesta Bowl: LSU vs Oregon

I could live with that. I think EA is a little overexcited about OSU, sorry, Thee Oklahoma State University, but you can take the rest to the bank. But the one thing that really chaps my ass is these Prestige ratings. How do you measure prestige, EA? Number of wins in the last five years? Number of NCAA violations? How many times Kirk Herbstreit says they are solid?

Teams with a 6 rating in prestige(rated 1-6) are: Oklahoma, Alabama, LSU, Oregon, Fuckeyes, Auburn, Florida, Texas, Penn State, USC. First of all, Oregon, Penn State, and Oklahoma certainly don’t belong in that list and USC(with their lack of actual recent title), Fuckeyes, and Texas could get booted as well. You will also notice the two most prestigious programs in college football, Michigan and Notre Dame, absent from this list. What fucking sense does this make? Boise State does not have the same prestige as Michigan. Justin Verlander loves Boise State because blue turf is white trash. Therefore, blue turf is not prestigious

Soft Claws. You will remember a couple months ago I lost my cat only for it to return 10 days later and act like it fucking owned the place and was ungrateful for the shelter Mrs. Ace and I provided. She would lose her mind at night and scratch the shit out of everything, meow like a bitch in heat, claw my legs when I woke up to piss, and tear up the carpet when we shut her out of the room. I fucking loathe the day that cat came back.

But last night, things changed. I again have the upper hand. The fine folks at Petco provided me with a product that not only prevents my cat from tearing up the back of my coach, but also makes me laugh my fucking ass off everytime she tries. Imagine if you're Freddy Krueger and you're about to finger blast some nightmare chick only to find out your steak knives have been replaced with foam fingers. That's what I imagine my cat feels like every time it goes to dig into my carpet and then realizes its natural defenses have been replaced by soft plastic. Kind of like going to jerk it only to find your thumb is no longer opposable. Suck it, Boots.

The Breakfast of Champions: An Open Forum

Bobby Heenan says, "This post is not for ham-n-eggers!"
We've been hammering the sports talk here fairly hard for awhile so how about a day off? We've talked wings and sandwiches and burgers and other stuff in this sort of forum before. But today, we set our alarm clocks extra early after a solid night of drinking cheap beer for a little oasis that I like to call: BREAKFAST. Sure, it's Ron Swanson's favorite meal yet I freely admit that I do not partake in the daily breakfast ritual. I skip it. That doesn't make me a bad person, it's just that I eat enough at lunch and dinner (and fourth meal!). But on the rare occasions that I do eat breakfast, I make sure that I do it right. If I'm at a restaurant and my meal comes with a side of fruit, I say fuck that. Please give me potatoes or something instead. Because fruit is gay. So let's talk breakfast this morning and break down what is great and what sucks. First things first, let's rate the chains:

1. IHOP - Everything they make is delicious. I just wish that there were any of them in central Ohio.
2. Big Boy - Best buffet in the business. They lose points for once employing me though. I know things...bad things...mainly because I was the one doing them. If I ever did a weeklong series (and it would take a full week) on my time working at Big Boy in the Nap with 5 of my bastard friends, you would shit, laugh, and vomit simultaneously.
3. Bob Evans - Their menu is too huge which means that nothing is really good or bad. Cut that bitch in half, Bob.
4. Waffle House - You can't even just be drunk to go here. You have to be roofied to have the stones to eat at this trucker fuck-palace.
5. Homeless Man's Anus
6. Denny's - You couldn't pay me to eat here. Ever. Like I said, I would rather eat oatmeal out of a bum's ass than sit at a booth in Denny's.
***Locally, I think that Scrambler Marie's is fantastic.  And I can't remember the name of the place on High Street north of campus, but I heard that that rules, too.

Now instead of rating more stuff, I'm just going to list customary breakfast foods and give my opinion on them.

Bacon - the king of breakfast, She$ has been buying turkey bacon recently and I weep every time that I see it. That is inexcusable. I don't give a fuck what is on sale.
Eggs - I hate eggs. They are disgusting. I can't believe that people actually eat them. Sure, give me three aborted fetuses, please!
Toast - Ummmm, how worthless is this? Although if you pound it with jelly, it serves a purpose.
Sausage - Patties before links. Yeah, I said it.
Ham - You already know my stance that ham is white trash. Ironically, the missus is serving ham at dinner tonight. Stupid wife.
Steak - What are you, some sort of a millionaire? Who eats steak for breakfast! Unless were talking about the steak bagel from McD's which is the greasiest and most delicious hangover food on the planet.
Muffins - I hate blueberry. Blueberries taste like ass. Banana nut and chocolate are far superior.
English Muffins - A true gem. Maybe the most underrated breakfast food. These things are the best.
Pancakes - I don't care for pancakes. Aunt Jemima is a racist. Although I like to call them "flapjacks". If you served me an Uncle Buck-sized flapjack, we would be best friends.
French Toast - More like French Gross? As you can tell, the whole syrup genre of breakfast does nothing for me.
Waffles - Just like eating a cardboard box.  Golic eats them at LaQuinta Inns!
Biscuits and Gravy - When done right, this shit rules. At Drew and I's former place of employment, they had the best gravy ever. But usually these stupid fuck restaurants have rock hard biscuits and gravy made from shit, not sausage.  Terrible.
Grits - I don't even know what these are. Corn?
Fruit Salad - What are you, gay? If you're worried about your weight, why are you eating breakfast then, dipshit?
Omelettes - I hate eggs but I love omelettes. There is no explanation for this and I don't even plan on trying.
Hash Browns - Yes please. Throw some onions and peppers in those fuckers.
Coffee - I'm an addict. It didn't start until about 5 years ago but I get headaches now if I skip coffee in the morning. Dunkin Donuts makes the best and it isn't even close. Starbucks makes the worst and it (also) isn't even close. Starbucks is horseshit.
Donuts - I don't care for donuts. Jelly donuts are gross and I don't get the love for Krispy Kreme. But those bags of Donut Fair mini-crullers that they sell at grocery stores are something that I would divorce my wife to marry. Yes, I would marry a bag of mini donuts.
Bagels - Not just for Jews anymore! I love them. But then again, I grew up with Bagel and Deli (the only way people should be raised).
Cinnamon Rolls/Coffee Cake - Eh, whatever...are we about done? I'm hungry.
Cereal - I used to eat cereal every morning as a kid. Here are the Kings of Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Jacks, Golden Grahams, Trix, and Frosted Mini Wheats. Everything else is shit (except for Fruity Pebbles).

I think that that about covers everything. I know. I'm a fucking weirdo. I can't stand eating chicken abortions but I enjoy omelettes. It makes no sense. But it's the way that I am. I am afraid of many things in my life such as snakes, bears, heights, serial killers hanging out in the metro park waiting to murder me, zombies, etc. and you can also add overeasy eggs to that. They're just so weird looking and yolk is disgusting.

Finally, if I was on death row and the warden told me that it was time to pick my last meal but for some reason I could only order breakfast, I would choose 25 strips of bacon, biscuits and gravy from the 2110 in Columbus, an english muffin, fruit salad to throw in the guard's face, a bag of Donut Fair crullers, and a vat of Dunkin' coffee. Then when they allowed me my last words, I would pre-shit my pants before they turned the juice on when the real shitting would commence. Because why would I care? What do I have to lose? Thoughts on breakfast, gentlemen...the floor is yours.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Liiiiiiife

Hockey isn't the only thing coming to Winnipeg!!!
I know what you're thinking, where's Mr. Ace?  Why is G$ writing yet another post?  Well, I'll tell you why.  I called Ace yesterday evening and BEGGED him to write today.  Since he was driving back from Chicago still, he was more than willing to step aside.  And you all know the answer why.

TERRELLE PRYOR IS GONE!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  What a total shitbag!

I don't know if it was the Twitter threats or getting his bitch coach fired or having no honor or the free handouts being over, but it doesn't matter.  Everyone's least favorite person is leaving Columbus...for good.  A few thoughts on the Pryor Era ending:

*This is how it had to be.  He had to go away.  For the sake of the program that he clearly never gave a fuck about, this needed to happen. 
*Great Athlete.  Below Average Passer.  Terrible Decision Maker.  There is his legacy.
*I'm just going to go ahead and take that Sugar Bowl win away.  You guys broke your own rules here.  Congratulations on still being winless versus the AYE-SEE-CEE!  An asterisk isn't enough.  That game should be vacated today.  Want to put some integrity back into the program, give up the bowl win.
*This offseason saw your coach fire himself and your best player quit.  Don't tell me that the hammer isn't coming down from the NCAA.  Don't tell me that.  You're wrong.
*I don't know how the supplemental draft works but I've been hearing that TP might not be eligible for it.  If he isn't, enjoy Canada.  Please never come back.

So Terrelle is gone and that makes me happy.  I'll tell you what, that Brady Hoke keeps knockin' suckas the fuck out of the B1G Ten.  He's going after JoePa next, I think.  But before we go, I just need to know...

Drew, when are we marching to Terrelle's doorstep to tell him how much he meant to us???  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  So lets have a fun day in the comments where we share our all of our favorite Pryor memories.  Mine will always be when he yelled at Dut to get out of his car in the Stube parking lot.  It was all downhill for both of them from that moment on.

Now hopefully we can put all of this Ohio State football talk to rest.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Let's Play "Choose Your Own TMS Adventure"

I had the pleasure of umpiring a doubleheader with Damman on Sunday afternoon. It was nothing out of the ordinary or crazy. We did our job well. Unfortunately, we had to pull the kids off the field for 20 minutes due to lightning. We surprisingly caught zero shit from the shockingly ugly parents (judging the hotness of moms at these things is a hidden gem of the "profession"). So what is the point of this and how does the title relate? Well, I should say that the games were almost incident free.

Since teams in central Ohio like to schedule games in the middle of the fucking afternoon when it's 150 degrees outside instead of in the mornings like sane people, it is important to stay hydrated throughout. Which means that we have to bring our own beverages. Depending on the humidity, my camel-ass can usually put down between 4-6 bottles of water per DH. And I don't piss. So I'm basically sweating buckets full of urine into my clothes and gear for four-plus hours. I am appealing to the opposite sex. Sunday was no different. I brought a little mini cooler with a bunch of water and Damman put a bottle in there as well. I did the plate in the first game which was a 5-4 gem that only took 90 minutes to play. It was a real guidebook on how to dominate a game from behind the plate. So we switch for game 2 and I'm on the bases. I wear sunglasses out there like many others do who want to look like total badasses. After the first inning, it becomes overcast so I take them off and put them in that little space between the cooler portion and the handle of the cooler.

When we stop the game for lightning around the third of fourth inning, D and I retire to the dugout and my glasses are nowhere to be found. I ask the kids and coaches and no one gives me anything back. They CLEARLY don't give a fuck which is infuriating.  This is pure bullshit as it is painfully obvious that some little shit is trying to rob me. Now, I don't really care about the glasses themselves as they are just $20 Oakley-ish pieces of fetus that I got at Target a few months ago. But it's the principle that has me pissed. Those are clearly NOT yours and that is clearly NOT your cooler. What the fuck are you doing stealing that shit? The coaches tell me that they'll keep their eyes open but I'm less than pleased.

We play the last three innings and I freely admit that I was barely paying attention at all. I was too busy watching that dugout trying to see if someone was going to step up and show some backbone by putting my shades back. Unfortunately, the team was trying to win eventhough that was very unimportant when it came to finding my Blu Blockers.  I started running through suspects in my head like some sort of horrible detective on TV (like that annoying wigger from The Killing):

Catcher from the first game that farted on me? Possibly but he seemed like a bitch.
Black kid? No, that would be too easy and that is who the thief WANTS me to blame. I will not fall for that trap.
Black kid's coaching dad? Nah, he looked like a dickhead but he already had his own pair of sunglasses.
Trashy looking kid? Possibly but how is the poor kid going to explain where he got a pair of shades?

I had it down to two kids both of whom fit my "profile" of rich kid who is used to getting what he wants and doesn't believe that there will be any consequences. You know, FUCK THOSE KIDS.

So I keep my eye on the cooler for the rest of the game and can't see that anything has changed. Now I have a decision to make. Do I let this go? Do I steal the nice pair of Oakley's on the other side of the dugout as an "eye for an eye" thing? Do I charge into the dugout like Vic Mackey and start roughing up these kids until someone breaks? Do I hold the team hostage? Start going through everyone's bag with an insane case of "abuse of power"?  Keep in mind, the wrong play here and I will likely get my ass chewed by my umpire's association and maybe "fired". I can imagine this phone call: 'WHADDYA MEAN YOU FELT THAT THE ONLY ANSWER WAS TO SLIT THAT BLACK KID'S THROAT!!!" So it isn't like I could go in guns blazing (like I wanted to). I had to play this hand perfectly to get what I want AND still be the victim.

The team of thieves ended up giving up four runs in the last inning for an amazing walk-off choke loss. I felt that karma played a nice role in that. So now we get to the confrontation and where I would like for you to play along.

First of all, what would you have done in my situation (given the potential consequences)? What do you think I did? And did I get my cheap sunglasses back?

I will have the answer for you between 1 and 2 today. Needless to say, kids are the worst. All guys should take tomorrow off and get a vasectomy.
**********************************
This is how the story ends...I decided that I was going to pull from the TV cop classic, The Wire. No, I was not going to call up Brother Mouzone or start shooting the crowns off their grandmama's heads or get in all of their stupid little faces and scream "OMAR COMIN' YO" over and over again until someone confessed to this heinous crime. I was going to quote Lt. Cedric "where the white women at" Daniels with this as I picked up my cooler to leave: "So my sunglasses just disappeared...GOOD TO KNOW" and then storm off in a blinding rage.

However, as I picked up the cooler, the glasses miraculously appeared behind it. Now, and D can confirm this, they were NOT there before that moment. Someone had pilfered them. But I applaud the thief for showing some backbone and giving them to their rightful owner again. You usually don't see that. So, I guess, good for the kid for eventually doing the right thing. Unfortunately, this makes for a lacking conclusion to this story as you all were probably hoping that it ended in bloodshed. Sorry. There is a reason that I set this post up the way that I did. It sort of lacked any real climax...much like the last time that I boned your mom.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Time To Sell On The Tribe?

Hammy would like to sleep with your son.
I hate it when blogs use questions as titles to posts.  It's lazy.  "Will Ron Artest strangle you outside Staples Center?"  Just stupid.  But I'm doing it today anyway because the Indians are probably the best story in baseball (outside of Bartolo Colon!) this season.  Yet it might be crashing down very soon.

The Indians still (at the time of this being written) have the best record in baseball.  So it's hard to slam them for going through a little slump.  But still, it feels like the Tigers are charging hard (much to the enjoyment of no one) while the Tribe aren't catching the breaks that they did earlier this season.  That's bound to happen.  Why are the Tribe struggling exactly?

*Injuries - Every team goes through this over the course of the year.  But the Indians already knew that Hafner and Grady's Ladies were pussies so this was no surprise.  However, it was a surprise that they were actually getting production out of these turds.

*They don't have an ace - Yeah, Carmona and Masterbator started out unhittable, but it appears that that was a fluke.  Now they are getting lit up every time that they take the bump.  It's hard for me to take a team too seriously when they don't have a "stopper".  And please, Josh Tomlin sucks.  Don't tell me otherwise.  Damman's dad tried to convince me a few weeks ago that he was like Cliff Lee.  I didn't want to start a war over this so I allowed that blasphemy.  Sure, they both throw strikes.  But Tomlin is more of a Jason Marquis and that is his ceiling as a pitcher.  Very much not a compliment.

*Their future still can't hit -  "Shin Soo Blew .2" is Dut's fantasy team name (currently with a stranglehold on last place).  That is all you need to know.  Choo has been awful all year as has Carlos Santana.  And that's weird because they are good players.  But if you haven't started hitting by early June, you probably won't all year.  So this is likely what you get...2 cornerstone players hitting under .250.  Which means that you have to count on the bottom of your order more.

*Already too much production from the losers - Tony Sipp?  Jack Hannahan?  Travis Buck?  Lou Marson?  Turdpunch Pestano?  These guys are all horrible players and are lucky to be in MLB let alone contributing.  That won't last all year.  Any team that puts Shelley Duncan in as their cleanup hitter should not be taken seriously.

I still believe that they can win the Central because Cal State Fullerton could win that division, but I have my doubts.  Personally, I think that the fans sort of deserve something to be happy about.  I mean, the Browns are horrendous and will be forever, the Cavs...well, no need to get back into that, and most of NE Ohio is probably a fan of anOSU football and they've had one of the worst offseasons in the history of any sport,  But then I'll turn on STO and unless the Tigers or Reds are in town, they're lucky to put 15K in the seats.  THAT IS EMBARRASSING.  Shame on you, Indians fans.  You don't deserve this team/season.  Go to the fucking games!  If you aren't going to pack that place for the best record in baseball, that tells ownership that it will never matter so why spend money on the roster?  Is that you want?  More penny-pinching?  You could get David Wright within the next month or two if you open up the purse a bit and stop playing for a future that will never come.

WFNY had a post last week that was complaining about 6 Yankees starting in the All Star Game (if it ended today).  First of all, if you are bitching about all star starters, you need to reevaluate your life.  Second, the sooner that you accept that Derek Jeter will ALWAYS start over losers like Assdribble Cabrera, the better.  Third, GO TO THE GAMES AND VOTE.  Jesus Christ, it isn't hard.  Finally, who cares?  Cabrera and the rest of your guys will be playing in the latter innings when the game is on the line anyway.  Stop whining.

So to come full circle and actually answer the question in the title, is it time to sell on the Tribe?  I'm not.  Like I said, every team slumps over the course of the season and they just so happen to be playing a very tough portion of their schedule right now (and they still have to face CC and BARTOLO next weekend!).  They'll be fine...I think.  The Tigers start too many shitbirds (like Austin Jackson who is striking out over 30% of the time...nice fucking trade, homos) around Miggy.  The White Sox have Adam Dunn (the worst non-Jorge Posada in baseball).  The Royals and Twins already forfeited the rest of the season.

Now maybe the fans will act like they care...but I doubt it.  These same dumbasses have no problem packing the stadium for a 5-11 football team every year, they must be confused by all of this winning.  At least ESPN and Fox are giving them national TV games later this month.

And if the injuries continue to pile up, well, at least they can pick up some of that sweet, sweet Bartolo Colon performance-enhancing ass fat this weekend.  That seems to cure what ails ya.