Tuesday, May 31, 2011

O-H-Buh-Bye-O!!!

Will "The Quitter's Manual" do well in bookstores?
Once word spread of the Tress-diggity's self-firing at the diamonds yesterday, my tripleheader in 95 degree weather...still sucked.  But at least it sucked while I got to showcase my smug sense of self-satisfaction.  OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY!  This is going to be short because I'm exhausted, sunburned, and out of sweat (I'm even out of swamp ass!).  And I've pretty much said all that I've wanted to say over the past few months.

1. Terrelle Pryor got him fired.  You can't even argue against that.  And Pryor is going to help bring crushing sanctions to the program.  Still "The Truth"?  Still the GOAT?  He's an actual goat now.
2. Urban Meyer isn't coming here so just stop.  Why?  He just retired from a much better job.  Again, you have a bunch of sanctions coming.  And three, his heart is made out of papier mache.
3. You could do a lot worse than Luke Fickell.  I actually hope that he does well and gets the full time gig.
4. The suddenness of Tress's resignation pretty much guarantees that today's SI article is going to be an atomic BOMB of awesome.
5. AND IT WAS!  SI freaking owned it!  28 different assholes trading memorabilia for tats (and they weren't all black guys!).  Some asshole trading Rose Bowl tickets for a fucking car.  Fine Line pretty much running the show. Well done.  Ohhhhhh, this one is going to hurt! 
6. Most importantly, I would like a formal apology from Drew for his poopyness in the comments on the Friday.  He turned out to be insanely wrong on all fronts while YOUR G$ was correct about EVERYTHING.  Take it from Omar Little, "if you come at the King, you best not miss".  Well, faggo, you couldn't have missed by more.  You missed so badly that Fartface McTintedglasses lost his job.  So I am waiting for your formal apology written on your own letterhead which will be hand-delivered to me this afternoon by you in a tuxedo.  FUCK YOU!  You deserve to have Dut's nuts stuffed into your asshole.

And I would be remissed if I didn't acknowledge the true winner of the day, that being Brady Hoke-amania, who has already run off his rival.  O-H!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Enjoy Your Last Memorial Day With A Job, JT

OK, I have to admit that at this point even I am getting tired of all the drama coming out of Columbus and the disgraceful program known as An Ohio State University. It just needs to stop. They're already fucked. Heads are still going to roll. The 2012 season is already a waste of time. And we're still not to the punishment part yet (which is going to be epic). I truly wish that I didn't have to keep writing about this, but then comes Ray Small who took time out from being a STUDENT AT anOSU to absolutely crush anOSU.

You have to admit, this was a pretty bold play from the biggest waste of talent in recent scarlet and gray history.  In case you didn't know, Small came out of Glenville (where they don't even try to hide their cheating) and was supposed to be the heir to Ted Ginn's throne as playmaker extraordinaire.  Instead, he led the nation in suspensions yet ol' JT kept him on the team anyway eventhough he didn't deserve to be.  Oh, and despite all of Ray's issues off the field, his dad still went public bitching about his son not playing.  It was an embarrassing few years for the Smalls.

So Ray decides this week to be interviewed not by USA Today or the Dispatch but by The Lantern, the student newspaper.  Way to reach for the stars, Ray!  And he had these gems to pass along:

*"We have apartments, car notes," he said. "So you got things like that and you look around and you're like, 'Well I got (four) of them, I can sell one or two and get some money to pay this rent.' "
*He said the biggest advantages came from car dealerships.  "It was definitely the deals on the cars. I don't see why it's a big deal," said Small.
*"They have a lot (of dirt) on everybody," Small said, "cause everybody was doing it."
*"If you go in and try to get a tattoo, and somebody is like, 'Do you want 50 percent off this tattoo?' You're going to say, 'Heck yeah,' " Small said.
*"They explain the rules to you, but as a kid you're not really listening to all of them rules," Small said. "You go out and you just, people show you so much love, you don't even think about the rules. You're just like, 'Ah man, it's cool.' You take it, and next thing you know the NCAA is down your back."
*"Everywhere you go, while you're in the process of playing at Ohio State," Small said, "you're going to get a deal every which way."

WHOA!!!  Now he has since backed off of all of these DIRECT QUOTES on his Twitter page once every alum started calling him a fagsnitch.  But it's out there.  The damage is done.  Yes, he probably has an axe to grind against Tressel.  Does that make these all lies?  I doubt it.  As Drew texted me yesterday, "Ray Small makes Terrelle Pryor seem like Stephen Hawking".  Much like Roger Clemens, Small isn't smart enough to craft this massive web of lies.  So there is truth here.  Also, why would he BURY all of his former teammates and friends?  It makes no sense to just make this up. 

The worst part is that one of your own just pretty much confirmed that all of these allegations against the program are true.  And that has to suck.  You want to believe that all of this is a witch hunt, but I think that we can all agree now that there is something here.  Hell, do yourself a favor and read Titus's latest post.  He makes a point of saying that he doesn't know anything for sure, but he always wondered why the football team rolled in style while his late 90's Jeep Cherokee was the nicest car on the hoops team.  Makes you wonder.

I'm not suggesting that Ohio State should fear Ray Small's flapping pussy lips.  God no.  He's a lunatic.  But the storm clouds are rolling in quickly and menacingly.  Get ready, boys, because bombs 'bout to be dropped on Tuesday (possibly leaked over the weekend) when SI's cover story on the shadiness of Tressel's program comes to light.  Don't believe me?  I got this from The Wig Master (and his source!) earlier this week.  It's not really telling you anything, but it does paint a pretty nasty picture for what's about to be pissed into your mouth.
As for the Sports Illustrated story, here's what we know so far:
+ Article by George Dohrmann. (apparently the best at articles like this and his Pulitzer proves it)
+ Dorman visited former Tattoo artist in prison. (uh oh)
+ SI execs are salivating (that can't be good although these are the same people that pay Peter King)
+ "Bad for Tress" (no shit)
+ "Something new and big time" (YES!)
+ "New stuff Back to Tress and YTown" (proof that he's always been full of shit)

In addition, according to Chris Balas (never heard of him):
"There is more, though, that's supposed to come out locally as well. These things take time to ferment ... ... And I can't hint to the issues, other than to agree that it's beyond eyebrow raising."

According to one radio talk show host, "If it's what I think it is ... it's big."  So, I don't know what the "it" is, but those that actually have the inside information: (a) aren't spilling it, so as to allow SI the exclusive (SI uncovered it); and (b) seem pretty well convinced that this is the end for Tressel and will be a devestating blow to OSU.

Wow.  This is going to be a long weekend waiting for this story to break and finally bomb this program back to the stone age where it belongs.  What do you think the "big" is?  I guarantee that it has to do with Terrelle Pryor.  I'll go out on a limb and say that he's never attended a class and had his records forged.  And everyone gets shitcanned.  Good God, this bloodbath is going to rule.  Enjoy the greatest Memorial Day weekend of your lives, non-anOSU fans!  You've earned this.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I'm Looking For Amanda Hugginkiss

May be The Miller Bomb's Dad
Not to go all "Grumpy" here, but back in my day, things were better. Case in point: very few cell phones. Why was that great exactly? Because that meant that everyone had a landline phone in their homes with the numbers listed in the phone book. Very few people had caller ID. And that lead to excellence in the field of prank phone calls. That lost art is the topic for today's class.

I've seen it all. I've done it all. I don't just believe, I KNOW, that I am a damn fine phoneman. My pranking skills back in the mid to late 90's were exceptional. I worked hard at it. I bought all of The Jerky Boys CDs (seriously). I was able to master the "stone face". I hardly ever broke "character". It takes more than just calling up some idiot and asking him if his refrigerator is running. That's stupid. You need to rope in your mark and then drop an ACME anvil on their head after you make them believers in your false promises. Now, this is not going to be a guidebook for what makes a great prank phone call. It's not hard to figure out. Don't break and be absurd yet realistic. Other than that, anything goes. Reba used to live by these two gay guys when he was growing up and we once ordered pizza to the homo house from three different joints. They all arrived at the same time while we watched. It was tremendous because they were a couple of fruits. But that's pretty basic yet still counts as a prank call. Here are four of my favorite/infamous prank phone call memories:

The Contest - Eventually, we as a group stopped just calling random people and asking if Otis McSpunkmeyer (name I actually used more than once) was there. As we got older, we got a bit more sophisticated. We started claiming to be from local radio stations and were giving shit away live on the air. I remember one time we called a guy (whose son once was a captain for my HS football team) telling him that if he could name the 4 Beatles, he would win a hundred bucks or something. He nailed it like any normal person would and proceeded to get EXTREMELY pumped up about it. I told him to hold on the line and we'd get his information. I then hung up on him. I like to think that somewhere Old Man Gerdeman is still waiting for his Beatles money.

The Invitation - Yes, I occasionally dabbled in the craft through my early years of college. I would call up athletes and just act like we were best friends until they realized that they didn't know who the hell I was. In what turned out to be awesome, my college gave everyone in the dorms a phone book with everyone on campus's digits. It came in handy for pranking. But anyway, during Frat Rush week, I was on a roll. You see, I went to a primarily all-white and Travis Prentice university. So when I called up random freshman assholes acting like I was representing one of the few black fraternities on campus, it was pretty amazing. My black frat boy accent was to die for, by the way. You'll have to trust me on this. I called up these little shits, invited them to a frat that didn't exist, and then make up all sorts of poop about what we did and how many bitches were grinding on me and everything. To their credit, the punks always listened to my whole schtick which sometimes went up to 7-8 minutes of me doing sort of a black Sam Kinison impression into the phone. I screamed OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH a LOT. It was great. My imaginary black fraternity was way better than a real black frat.

The Firing - Back to high school we go for this. This is not my proudest moment at all. We had this gelatinous mountain on our football team for a few years who we will affectionately refer to as, The Miller Bomb. He was massive. He sucked (obviously). He was always last in sprints and sometimes made us do more because he was so slow. He seemed to fake more injuries than Naptown Wolverine and I didn't think that that was possible. But at least he never shit his pants during practice (ZING!). I'm pretty sure that he quit after either our sophomore or junior year. Don't get me wrong, The Miller Bomb was a nice guy, but if you make me run extra then I'm conditioned to loathe you. So somehow we knew that he had gotten a job at Marco's Pizza in town and I called them up one night. The Miller Bomb was not working. I pretended to be The Miller Bomb's father.
G$: Is The Miller Bomb there?
Pizza Mgr: No, I think he's on vacation.
G$: Oh jeez. Oh no. He's doing it again. He's been skipping school recently and I think he's getting back into drugs. He's done this before. Are you missing any money?
Pizza Mgr: Uh no.
G$: Well, if you see him, tell him to come back home.
I found out about a week or two later that The Miller Bomb got fired. I have no idea if it was due to my prank call or not, but I'm sure that that didn't help. I felt awful at the time. Still do actually. But not that bad because it's not like he was going to cook pizzas forever (I hope). But if you think that I crossed the line with this one, well, just read the next one.

The Killing - Thankfully, this one was not on me. We were all out at commenter Hoffman's for the Super Bowl (Niners/Chargers) and obviously got a little bored and went to the phones. I don't remember anything huge happening before Black decided to take a turn on the line. He wanted to take a run at our fellow classmate's (Spingo) house. He got the answering machine. Most people would have hung up...Black is not most people.
"Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Spingo, this is Sheriff Suchandsuch. I wanted to call and let you know that your son Spingo was killed in a car accident."
THAT WAS HIS PRANK CALL! To tell a set of parents that their kid was dead! What sort of horrible human being would even think of that! To be fair, as soon as he hung up the phone, you could see the "I'm a fucking idiot" look on his face which went well with the "what the fuck did you just do" looks that we all had. Black wrote the Spingo's an apology letter and Spingo himself surprisingly thought it was funny (which is actually not a surprise at all if you know that assdouche), but still...that was the weakest thing that I've ever heard. I like to think that Big Den Spingo still wants to kill Black with his bare hands and keg-gut. Needless to say, prank phone calls weren't as fun anymore after this bizarre episode and horrific lapse in taste and common decency. And I swear to God, everything about this story is 100% true. By the way, Black (as of two days ago) is now a father of two boys. May God have mercy on us all.

Point? None really. I guess it's that "practice makes perfect" because keeping a straight face when punking some fool is crucial to your pranking success rate. Another theme is not to be afraid to sacrifice another person's job for the sake of a laugh. OH! The real moral of the story is, "Make sure that your peer is actually dead AND that you passed through the police academy before notifying next of kin". I can't stress the importance of that enough. Good God, I am/was (and associate myself with) a terrible person.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hump Day Dump: FAG

(Can a fag be fined for saying fag?)

Douche Lord of the Week: Ide...because he broke the news of Macho Man's death on this site. And that face looks incredibly rapey. HEY YOU GUUYYS!

Greatest Tradition Ever. Yesterday our ceiling started leaking in the laundry room. So I take down those old ass asbestos filled ceiling tiles to find out what the problem is and I find the ultimate surprise. I see a corner of a magazine sticking out. I pull it down and there it is; June 2001 Playboy with the Playmate of the Year in all her naked glory. But most importantly, NO STICKY PAGES! I'm sure this was just some teenager's spankbank that he kept hidden from his mother, but what if it wasn't. What if somebody started a tradition of leaving random shit at each place they moved out of? What if it's a clue? And you can bet your gaping ass that I went through every single page hoping to find some cash or some bonds stashed away. No dice.

I'm starting a new tradition. I'm leaving something behind at every place I move out of that will totally mindfuck the person that finds it. Unfortunately, I don't plan on moving too many more times in the future so this needs to be primo shit. If you're a college kid reading this(doubtful) you need to do this and carry the flag. Several ideas come to mind. Maybe a double strap-on dildo tucked away inside a vent. Let mommy and daddy explain that. Or a bloody butcher's knife taped behind the toilet. Can you imagine pushing out a deuce and reaching back and feeling a piece of tape? You would stand up, check it out, and HOLY FUCK! there was a double murder right here in this very bathroom. Maybe attach a Polaroid of some carved up body. I would move out immediately.

But the best idea I've come up with is a treasure map. Just put a box right back up where I found the porn mag, with the porn mag in it of course to make it seem like it has been sitting there since 2001. Map out the apartment complex and the surrounding area, create the treasure map and write "Life Savings" or "Pablo's Stash" or some shit on it, find some remote place out in the woods, and then bury a box. A box that is literally full of shit. All kinds of shit. Human shit, dog shit, cat shit, stripper shit, anything I can get my hands on(figuratively). And then buried deep in that shitbox will be a package with a piece of paper that says, "Fuck You." I should have been doing this my entire life.

Fag. I think Eminem said it best; "So when you see me, dressin up like a nerd on TV or heard the CD usin the fag word so freely it's just me being me, here want me to tone it down? Suck my fuckin dick, you faggot You happy now?"

I'm glad Stern didn't go ape and fine Noah $200,000 and suspend him like many people were calling for. I get it. Fag is a slur that has hurt millions of people. It represents a prejudice against homosexuality. Those GLAAD fags really hate when people use the word fag.

But where do you draw the line? How many N bombs are dropped during the course of an NBA game? 598 is the answer. 598 times a game an entire race is slurred. Sure, 98% of the Association is black, but where do you draw the line? What would have happened if Noah would have turned to the fan and said, "Fuck you, nasty N-word"? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Do you know how many times Nick Collison gets called a cracker or honkey on a game night? 17 times per game. DeShawn Stevenson put a lick and stick Swastika on his arm in Game 1. Stern did nothing. I don't tolerate prejudice of any kind in my life. So in honor of my honoring equality, I'm going to make up a bunch of names that include the word "FAG".
-Fagpie
-Dut
-Fagson
-Fagasaurus
-Fagnus
-Fagfuck
-Fagtard
-Mick Fagger
-Faggy McFaggerson
-Fagnasty
-Fagturd
-Fagcicle
-JesusFag(Can be used with any religion)
-Fagjina

I'm going on vacation so I will not be posting next Wednesday(Suck it, G$). So don't miss me too much. Love you bunches, fags.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This Post is 100% Evil

This is what happens when you take away my football.
Can I speak for everyone here when I say that I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about the NFL Lockout these days?  If I have to hear Schefter "break" on more story about some dumb shit that a judge says, my head and anus will explode.  We get it, assholes, you are going to fuck this up.  It's becoming more and more probable now that week one will not be played on the 2nd week of September.  Why?  Oh, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with both sides meeting last week, agreeing that "strides were made", and then agreeing that they should meet again in a month.  FUCK ALL OF YOU.  Why do you need a month off?  It isn't because you have jobs to go to write now.  And the owners are all old pindajos that have no plans other than playing golf and sodomizing the teenager working the beer cart (I imagine that all billionaires do this daily).
If we, the fans, get fucked over come September (and we will), you have my word that I will do the following:

-Burn down The Q (might as well shoe-horn this old chestnut in)
-Rape one nun per day until an agreement is made
-Strangle Tony B's cat a la Dutch Waggenbach in that strange scene from The Shield
-Throw a toaster into Drew's bubble bath and then wait for him to shit himself (by the way, that guy sent me a picture of a footlong dump he took yesterday...it was impressive)
-Expose myself at elementary schools daily
-Piss on all toilet seats
-Support Tyler Perry and all of his business ventures
-Syphon all of the gas from Dut's car bi-weekly and replace it with stupid shit that The Iceman says
-Learn how to syphon gas
-Bring back Prohibition
-Outlaw guns except for the mentally unstable and gangbangers
-Run for President
-Unleash another plague
-And, of course, begin giving out Khal Drogo-esque Golden Crowns at random (which is now in the Hall of Fame for badass ways to kill a guy...NEVER throw out demands to the Doth Raki)
And that is just a short list of my promises.  You know, because "EVIL IS FUCKING COMING"!!!!!
"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game," Ray Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio.  That's because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects "way more than us" -- the owners and the players.
"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."  When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do, Sal."

Go fuck yourself, Ray Ray.  I don't need to be lectured by some queef that helped kill a guy at the Super Bowl and got away with it.  Yes, the NFL rules the world and I don't know what I'd do without it, but I'm 100% certain that I wouldn't just start kicking people in the nuts or ejaculating on my neighbor's door handle.  I'll find something else to do.  Maybe.  God, I don't want to find something else to do on Sundays.  But I do know that I'm not going out and buying a sniper rifle...although I do need one of those.

In conclusion, Ray Lewis is a piece of shit and I hope that all of the "evil" walking the street stabs him.  But not with steroids, he's immune to that.  What say you?  Are you guys starting to get worried too?  It's almost June and the Redskins still have Haynesworth and McNabb.  This blows!  I WANT MY NFL BACK.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, Jim Delany

Ain't no mortal man getting up from that elbow.
But first!  4 Randy Savage facts!  I miss the guy already.  Not like he was doing much over the past decade, but he was still an iconic figure of my youth.  Here are 4 things that you may not know about the Macho Man.
1. His younger brother was The Genius who always made me chuckle at how stupid that character was.
2. While serving in the Navy in 1945, Savage's father (Angelo Poffo) set a world record for sit-ups.  He completed 6,033 sit-ups in four hours and ten minutes. According to his son Lanny, the 33 were one for each year of Jesus Christ's life.  Oh, and he completed those sit-ups with German POW's holding his feet down.  Hilarious.
3. Macho Man is rumored to have taken Stephanie McMahon's virginity when she was 16 years old.  Awesome?
4. Drew Carey and Pete Rose are in the WWE Hall of Fame while Savage is not.  You know, if #3 is accurate, then that makes perfect sense why.

A real quick rant on the stupidity and absurdity of the Big Ten's idea to pay college athletes.  Yeah, we get it, the Big Ten has more money than they can count.  But paying college athletes 3K as a way to balance the books is ridiculous and idiotic.  And that's pretty much par for the course with Jim Delany who still holds the title of dumbest man in sports.

I hate this idea.  Maybe I come off like dinosaur thinking that amateur sport needs to remain amateur sport.  You can't pay college kids.  Yes, most of them get free room, board, books, and chow.  That seems like enough to me.  Why should they get money for clothes or beer?  Fuck that.  Do you realize how much shit they get to wear just by being on a team?  It's a lot.

Dude, part of the college experience is to learn how to budget.  How can you get drunk on ten bucks?  This is a vital life lesson that these kids need to learn on their own, goddammit!  Why do you need new threads when you play college football and don't need new clothes to get laid?  College kids don't need to buy anything at Best Buy.  Meals are paid for.  Gas for their cars?  Where are they going?  They have no need to go anywhere.

The idea of giving these guys money is already a weak one, but it's even weaker when most of them would piss it away on stupid shit.  So what's the point?  And are they just going to do this for football and basketball players?  I'm not as well-read on this topic as I probably should be but I doubt that the women's tennis team is getting 3 grand also.  By implementing this plan, expect to see all the pro-Title IX weirdos to come out of the woodwork.  You may remember Title IX as the ultimate participation ribbon legislation in college athletics.  And it is still fucking stupid.

This is a dumb idea and will hopefully get vetoed early.  Like I said earlier, this may sound archaic, but college is about preparing yourself for the real world.  It is not about getting paid (unless you play for Calipari or Tressel).  So why change this?  Does it bother me that the conferences and universities are making assloads of money off of these kids?  Not really.  Most schools use the profits and invest into facilities and non-revenue generating sports.  That is the way that it should be.

So forgive me if I don't think uber-talented kids should be paid for playing college sports.  I guess that I'm just old fashioned.  And if I had my druthers, I would be dropping top-rope flying elbows on Jim Delany everyday for the next decade.  Because, you know, fuck that guy.

Before we go, congratulations go out to my alma mater, the NapCats Baseball Squadron, for advancing to Regionals for the first time ever (I think)!  Get to State, Wildcats, get to fucking State.

Friday, May 20, 2011

From The Desk of...Tony B

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm gone today.  In my stead, our west coast representative, Tony B, is taking us into the weekend.  Enjoy.
**************************************************
Living in downtown Sacramento can be an adventure. From hobos sleeping in my parking spot in the alley behind my apartment complex to seeing crazies on the sidewalk, it's definitely interesting. This story could be one of the more interesting dealings I've had with a weirdo in Sacramento.

Mrs. B. and I decided to pick up some groceries relatively late on Monday night. Our local Safeway is not the most ghetto store in the area, but it typically has panhandlers and your occasional strange person.

This shopping trip was fairly normal, until the end. Once we were done loading up our cart, we got in line and waited for our turn to drop some cash on our selected commodities. There was a strange, pudgy, gray/frizzy haired woman saying crazy things about the celebrities on the covers of the standard magazines you'd normally see at a chain grocery store. I'm going to assume the man that was politely listening to her rant was her 40-year-old son and that she was around 60. Anyway, the son was dressed up in full cowboy attire. He had a black cowboy hat, a patterned black button down cowboy shirt, skinny jeans and black boots. Yee-haw! He was fairly quiet during the gray-haired lady's rants.

When it was their turn to check out, the woman began to complain to the cashier (who is also the assistant manager, I think) about her previous shopping experience.

"The last time I was in here buying my cigarettes, a customer was watching me. When I walked away, he waited for me to get almost to the corner and called me a cunt! I don't deserve to be called a cunt! It's inappropriate for another person to call me a cunt!"

The cashier was taken aback. "To clarify, this was a customer, not an employee, correct?" asked the cashier.

"Yeah, it was a customer! I'm a regular here and I shouldn't be called a cunt! This is the second time this has happened!"

After using enough c-words to get an NC-17 rating and inappropriately complaining to an employee that obviously cannot control the universe with her mind, the woman paid for her cigarettes and she and her cowboy son walked out of the store.

Mrs. B. said aloud after she was out of earshot, "Well, the important question is, where you actually being one?"

The rest of the line chuckled and we thought that was the end of this odd story. We were wrong.

After paying for our groceries, we were still talking about how strange the woman was. She reminded me of that crazy witch that used to chase Bugs Bunny around except with a far dirtier mouth. We loaded the car with our wares and I began to drive out the back way of the parking lot.

To get back on the main road home, I have to stop at a stop sign, then make an unprotected left onto a street where cross traffic does not stop. Upon stopping to look both ways, the crazy lady and her cowboy son are at the corner to my left about to walk across the crosswalk in front of my car. She motions to me aggressively from the sidewalk, "GO!" Unfortunately, there was a car coming from my left to right (behind where she was), so I could not go without getting into a car crash. I motion to her saying, "You go!"

At this point, she's getting upset and getting more aggressive and continues to tell me to go. I can't take it any more, so I rolled to the window and yell, "There is a fucking car coming- I have to wait for it to pass." I motion toward the car coming and simultaneously, the car passes. The road is now clear, but the woman is still aggressively yelling at me.

A split second later, as I'm beginning to make my left hand turn, Mrs. B. leans over and yells out the open window, "CUNT!"

At this point, I make a quick left and we escape any more craziness. The gray-haired woman has now been called a cunt three times at that Safeway, and I'm fairly certain that won't be the last time as she is, in fact, a cunt.
*********************************
Way to put that cunt in her place!  Mrs B is alright in my book (yet to be written, will be 200 pages of what Mr. Ace might look like when he masturbates).  I've only called one woman a cunt to her face before.  My buddy Z's fiance and I have sort of a love/jokingly hate relationship.  She likes to bust my balls.  I like to kick her in the vaj.  Verbally of course.  One night, she kept calling me a ginger which infuriates me because I am not.  Andy Dalton is a ginger.  G$ is not.  Case closed.  So I responded by calling her a "cunt".  She said that she didn't care...until about the tenth time that I screamed it at the bar.  Then she flipped out.  I still do it on occasion but I have to pick my spots.  Cunts be crafty.  Let that be a lesson, never call a woman a cunt...unless she truly deserves it.

Thanks for filling in Tony.  I hope your Bulls make you proud now.  I'll be back Monday.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

An Interview With An NBA Draft Expert

I love you, Austin Carr.
I didn't really want to spend a post writing about the NBA again, but goddamit, I'm still giddy from what transpired in New Jersey on Tuesday night. I'm not one of those people that is going to say FINALLY WE CATCH A BREAK because it's not about that and that wouldn't be true at all. All I'm saying is that luck was on the Cavs' side and I will gladly take it. I'm having a hard time putting Cleveland's Lottery Luck into words so I brought in an expert to help me with today's post. Gentleman, this is a real coup of an interview for this crappy site. Today, we talk about the lottery and the Cavs with none other than...GMONEY!

G$: Picks 1 and 4...couldn't do much better than that, right?
GMoney: No shit. I will freely admit that when that bald Jewish nerd pulled the Pistons logo out at the 8 hole where the Cavs should have been, I was fist-pumping my ass off. But when our own pick was revealed to be 4, I got nervous. I may or may not have taken a nervous dump during the commercial break. When they showed the three representatives left standing, I had a really good feeling that the kid was going to win over the two old pricks. And when I saw the Wolves at 2, I pulled one of the rare Michael Jordan celebrations in my living room. WE'RE ON THE CLOCK, BABY!!!  It is ALWAYS a good thing to have the #1 pick no matter what sport.

G$: Yeah, I can imagine. So needless to say, you've become a big fan of Nick Gilbert?
GMoney: When they were showing the team reps and they got to the Cavs, I thought to myself, "Who dressed this little faggot? Nice hipster glasses and Gee-tie, douche." But then I remembered that he has some awful disease that I wouldn't wish upon anyone and makes more money than I do so I let it slide. And it was pretty cool to see the little guy celebrate in David Khan's stupid face.

G$:  How high was Bernie Kosar's bar tab in NYC that night?
GMoney:  At least 12 grand.  Cribbs and Haden were probably ordering Goose bottles all night.  It's not like they have a job to go to anyway.  Eventhough I hate the Browns, I like that some of the more popular players were showing cross-sport love.

G$: So does the result of the lotto redeem Dan Gilbert in your eyes?
GMoney: Redeem him from what? I never thought that he did anything wrong anyway. He threw an ill-timed temper tantrum with a stupid font. That's it. He said what all of the Cavs were thinking. In my opinion, Gilbert is one of the best owners in sports. He spends money. He's shrewd. He's accessible to the fans. He's smart. Now the tools are in place for a really solid rebuild to the team and it's up to him and Chris Grant to make the right choices.  I believe that they will.

G$: Who are the Cavs taking?
GMoney: Obviously a lot can happen with workouts and whatnot, but if the draft were today, it goes like this: Kyrie Erving at 1, Derrick Williams goes to Minny, Brandon Knight goes to Utah, and the Cavs take the big Turkish bruiser, Enes Kanter, at 4. And that gives you two starters in 2012-13 at two positions that the Cavs have lacked for a long time. It would be a tremendous haul.

G$: So you are sold on Erving?
GMoney: Absolutely. Dude has been compared to Chris Paul! For the most part, you need a really good point guard to win in the NBA. Why would you pass up on the best one by far for a wing player that might not be able to play the 3 in the pros? It makes no sense. And I did some research. If you go all the way back to 2001, you will find only TWO point guard busts drafted in the top 5. Shawn Livingston gruesomely blew out his knee and Jay Williams is terrible at riding motorbikes. Other than that, if you take a point guard high, it works...always.

G$: So you aren't worried about the weak draft class?
GMoney: Why? It's weak after about the first 5 or 6 picks. You're safe as fuck with two of the top 4 picks. Sure, there might not be a 'Melo or D-Rose in this class, but there is talent. What would have made this better would have been if Jared Sullinger and Harrison Barnes came out (which you would think that they would have if the labor shit was settled). But you play the cards that you're dealt.  And the Cavs have been dealt pocket Kings.

G$: Do the Cavs have any other plays?
GMoney: I think so. The criminally underrated Ramon Sessions is on the block now and could fetch a decent package back. Antawn Jamison has an expiring contract and could help a contender. They still have that 14 million dollar trade exception to use before July ends. They will be wheeling and dealing before the league shuts down. Keep in mind, next year's draft should be ridiculously loaded. The Cavs already have two first round picks in it. If they play their cards right, Sessions and Jamison could/should be able to get you first rounders for that draft. I still think that Rip Hamilton comes to his senses and accepts the trade and buyout with the Cavs which would land the Pistons (top 3 protected) first rounder. So they have the potential to have a ton of picks in next year's gold mine. Yet I expect them to go hard after Rudy Gay. Memphis is pretty stupid yet they don't really need him anymore (not for that kind of money at least).  It will be interesting to say the least.

G$: What do you think about David Khan whining about the lottery being rigged?
GMoney: I think that he's a pussy. I like the fact that the worst team rarely gets rewarded with the #1 pick. I can tell you two big reasons why the Cavs DESERVED the #1 pick over Minnesota: they got fucked over by The Bastard and they played hard every night. No tanking for this team. And the fans that packed The Q all season despite the product on the floor earned this.

G$: Seriously, how stupid are the Clippers?
GMoney: Words really can't describe how inept that franchise is. They so wanted to get out of Baron Davis's contract, that they gave away what turned out to be Kyrie Erving. They traded Baron and Kyrie for Mo Williams and Jamario Moon. Can you imagine how awesome it would be (as a Clips fan) to watch Doctor K throw lobs to Blake Griffin for the next decade? But the Clippers are stupid. Thanks, Clippers!!!

G$: So what are you expecting from the Cavs whenever the NBA comes back next?
GMoney: Look, I'm not naive. They are still a long way away. But this is a GREAT start to kick the rebuild off in a big way. Now they can do what they should have done 8 years ago and build a team the right way by putting pieces around Erving and whoever (like what the Thunder have done) instead of trading picks for shitty players (ie. what the Redskins do). And the best part about this is that the new era is beginning. We can finally put the previous regime behind us and move on. There is something to look forward to now. And that is great news. That is the best part about all of this.  There is hope again.

G$: Finally, the publishing company behind the release is sending you a free copy of the new book about all the dirt that goes on at ESPN. How excited are you?
GMoney: EXTREMELY! It's 784 pages of gossip about the douchebags that run/ruin Sportscenter! The one blurb that I read on Deadspin or something was about how big of an asshole Keith Olbermann was and included Bob Ley dropping an f-bomb! Who doesn't want to read that? I just hope that they leave out the "Linda Cohn Orgy" chapter.  I love getting free books.  It is the best perk of this "job".

I would like to thank GMoney for taking time out of his busy schedule to talk with us. It couldn't have been easy for him to be interviewed with that massive Kyrie-boner that he still has. OK, I'm heading back to Nap tomorrow afternoon so you will instead get a guest post from...TONY B! As long as the weather holds up, I plan on firing the course record at Napoleon Muni tomorrow evening. Eat shit.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Mama Said Knock You Out

Douche Lord of the Week: Lange is having a baby. Through much genetic testing I have discovered exactly what his child will look like. Congratulations.

Swagger Jackin'. Last week I said I didn't have Jay-Z in my Top 5 because he just bit all of Biggie's lyrics and regurgitated them. This is exactly what I'm talking about.


Boxing is still alive. A couple Saturday's ago I watched the Pacquiao vs Mosley fight. It was one of the worst pugilistic showcases I have ever witnessed, and I've watched a shit ton of horrible boxing in my day. Shane Mosley covered his face and hoped to last 12 rounds while Pacquiao refused to throw more than two punches at a time because he had no reason to put himself in danger in a fight he could clearly win every round. Just terrible boxing.

However, Shane Mosley came out LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"...a fucking live performance of Mama Said Knock You Out. If this had been done back in 1991 and it was Mike Tyson instead of Shane Mosley then this would have been thee greatest entrance ever. It was Shane Mosley and 20 years later, but it was still cool. Then, not being outdone, Pacman went all Rocky on us:

Thunderstruck AND Jimi Jamison Live intro? Bravo, sir.

But this immediately sparked a post idea, what is the most bad ass intro song? Whether it be wrestling, MMA, boxing or even baseball, nothing sets the tone like some music to jack you up. I remember going to a Tiger's game and Marcus Thames(I think) came out to Trillville-Neva Eva and I found that to be awesome. Certainly better than Fagglio coming out to Enrique Iglesias or some shit. So without further ado, GET ON MY LEVEL, HO!

1. LL Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out. It's almost cliche, but there just isn't a better song to come out to if you're a fighter.

2. Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz - Bia Bia. Straight to the point. You're calling your opponent a pussy all while getting crunk. Every Lil Jon song sounds the same, but that sound is awesome for hype. STOP ACTIN' LIKE A BITCH, YOU SCARED!

3. Lil Flip - Game Over. I was once awesome at NCAA college football for PS3, like top 250 in the world awesome. Occasionally I would wear a headset to talk trash to my opponent. And just when I had the poor bastard speechless with my domination of the game and trash talk, I would crank this shit up and bask in the glory of success while crushing his soul. I might have to bring that back when Madden comes out. FLIP! FLIP! FLIP!

4. Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name. I'm not a rock guy, or whatever you would call Rage, but I've always liked Rage. They're intense, have a purpose, and don't give a fuck about what anybody else has to say. The last minute of this song repeats "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" over and over. I would love to come out to that.

5. Cypress Hill - How I Could Just Kill A Man. You would need to be crazy with the potential to kill to pull this off. I think The Money Shot mascot, Chris Benoit, missed a golden opportunity when he didn't choose this song.

And how about the five most hilarious intro songs:
1. Marvin Gaye - Lets Get It On. Would you really want to fight a man who just walked out of the tunnel to the best love making song ever?(I wasn't going to embed the funny ones....but damn, Marvin Gaye is awesome.)


2. Samwell - What What (In The Butt). You wanna do it in my butt? Okay.

3. Ricky Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up. Rick Rolled, bitch. Forrest Griffin actually entered an UFC fight to this...in Columbus! Get it? He thinks you're all gay...myself included.

4. Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel. Gotta have MJ on this list somewhere.

5. Village People - Macho Man. Anything involving the Village People could be on this list. Why didn't Randy Savage ever make his way to the squared circle with this blaring behind him?

Bonus: Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now.

The Preakness is coming! I forgot to give you guys some sound betting advice on the Kentucky Derby and I apologize for that. If you would have taken the advice I gave commentator Dustin, you would have taken Animal Kingdom at 30:1 odds and made a killing. My number one pick heading into the Derby was Archarcharch, but I liked Animal Kingdom because the trainers were really impressed with how the horse looked running on dirt for the first time. So I won a hypothetical $1,400 because I told myself I would wager $100 on Archarcharch and $50 on Animal Kingdom. I'm rolling in fake cash money.

So now the Preakness is here and the likelihood of Animal Kingdom going into the Belmont looking for a Triple Crown is pretty good. This will be the horses 20th time running on the Pimlico track, giving Animal Kingdom quite the home field advantage. And with the horse's best competition, Nehro, pulling out Animal Kingdom's odds only get better.

But there are a couple other horses that can win this race.
1. Shackleford. He led for almost the entire Derby until he ran out of gas. He's the fastest horse on the track. The Preakness is just a little shorter than the Kentucky Derby and a faster track. If Animal Kingdom doesn't have a clean run Shackleford could hold off all comers. At 12:1 he's worth a play.

2. Mucho Macho Man. This horse is as consistent as it gets in the field. Finished top 3 in 8 of his last 9. He will be there at the end, just probably not in 1st.

Outlier: Concealed Identity. As I write this I just read that he might be a scratch. Which is unfortunate because this is a local horse who has raced many times at Pimlico and won its most recent race there. He was also sired by Smarty Jones who destroyed the field in the 2004 Preakness. Doesn't seem like he will get to run, but he would have been my longshot.

But there is the winning Trifecta; Animal Kingdom, Shakleford, and Mucho Macho Man. Here's to hoping for an Animal Kingdom victory because the Belmont will suck without it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How Not To Fail As A Parent On Your First Day

Don't let your babies grow up to work in gay steel mills.
There is no doubt that at some point in your life, you have heard or read the question, "What's in a name?". It's sort of a stupid question at face value but today I'm going to try and answer it to the best of my endless ability. Last week, commenter Lange publicly announced to us all that he and his wife are expecting their first born. It will be the first baby born under The Money Shot banner (I think...who knows...Nate B used to comment here more but I think he's been abducted). And that means...something? As Homer Simpson once said, "No one gives better parenting advice than childless drunks" and that is so true. Which is why today, Lange, your trusted shitty blog is here to help. Assuming that you are man enough to pump out a son, make sure you listen to me (and hopefully the commentariat) very carefully today. Actually, this goes for all of you who will someday become fathers (likely accidental) of your own.
If the kid has a dick, YOU pick the name. Your significant other will likely try to push toward a soft name. No respectable father wants a soft son. You want a professional athlete, dammit! And a robust and strong name can go a long way. "Lance" Balboa was never getting a title fight with Apollo Creed. But ROCKY Balboa?  That gets the champ's attention. That is a name that you notice.  Back at his old site, Mr. Ace wrote a small and terrible post about good boy's names. It wasn't bad. But I want to go in the other direction today. Below you will find ten names for boys that you should, by no means, EVER consider naming your son. Unless you want to raise a hairdresser. Do you want to raise a hairdresser? No, bitch, you want to spawn the 2032 cleanup hitter for the Cincinnatta Reds!
Before we get going, whet your appetite on the inspiration for this post with George Carlin's minute-plus bit known as "Guys Named Todd/Goofy Boy Names". To prove my expertise on the subject at hand, recently my umpiring skills have made me privy to many of these stupid names and it always kills me to see some stud pitcher named Julian or something weird like that. Are you more likely to dig into the box against a Julian or a Hoyt? Nobody crowds the plate on Hoyt. Hoyt goes headhunting! Here we go, the ten fruitiest boys names out there today.

10. Dustin - No need to explain.

9. Blaine - People aren't going to say it to your face, but they will think it every time that they see you.  "Did this idiot really name his son after that asshole illusionist?"  If you want to name your son after a magician, "Copperfield" is a much cooler option anyway.

8. Connor - This is the type of guy who spends years of his life and thousands of dollars in therapy crying about how much daddy didn't love him.  Because THAT is the reason that he works at the local public library.

7. Cody - Step By Step ruined this name but it isn't like it was going anywhere anyway.  Guys named Cody ride skateboards.  EVERYONE hates kids on skateboards.

6. Hunter - The only thing that Hunter is going to be hunting for is cheap, one bedroom apartments in the Goosetown section of Napoleon.  Unless this is a tribute to Fred Dwyer (this is the most dated reference in the history of this great site!), stay away from Hunter.  Yep, a Fred Dwyer AND a Tony Schiavone reference in the same blurb...fantastic.

5. Dallas - THIS ISN'T A NAME!  And even if it is, it is a redneck name.  Or at least a foreshadowing of your son growing up to be a balding black man with very little discernable basketball talent.

4. Ian - Now, I'm not talking about Ian if it proceeds Eagle or Ziering.  That pronounciation and usage is fine.  But the only "Eee-an"s should be a British Knight, dammit (or at least wear British Knight shoes!).  Name your kid Ian and you can forget about ever going to a high school football game to watch him play.  "Ian Lange" isn't a bone-crushing middle linebacker hellbent on quenching his thirst for quarterback blood.  Nope, "Ian Lange" is taping ankles on the sideline while gossiping with the cheerleaders.

3. Dakota - I had two games on Sunday afternoon and the biggest kid on one of the teams was named Dakota.  It was so sad.  This kid may have the ability to hit 500 foot dingers but he will never be taken seriously with that first name.  Never ever name your kid after a state.  Ever.  Unless you are Henry Jones Sr.

2. Ethan - I HATE this name.  And it appears that it is growing in popularity.  Why?  Simply put, "Ethan" is a pussy.  There has never been a badass Ethan and there never will be.  You won't be the one bucking that trend.  You should want your son to be pushing the Ethan's of the world into lockers.

1. Skyler - When you get your son's name from the catalog of strippers at Deja Vu, what is wrong with you?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!  I'll tell you what happens to all of the Skylers out there.  They move to Hollywood to become a star.  They suck because you have given them no confidence.  They find love in the arms of "bears" and end up getting Hep C.  They give up on their acting aspirations due to their heroin habit.  To get their fix, they become a back alley "chicken head".  They get brutally murdered by some queer-hating Bible thumper.  The case goes unsolved because no one cares about some cocksucker named Skyler.

I hope that that helped.  Even if it didn't, it should have been funny.  And if I offended anyone, I am not sorry.  The aforementioned names are all terrible.  Do you know what I'm going to name my mythical son?  Muhammad.  Muhammad Money.  WHO FUCKS WITH A PASTY WHITE GUY NAMED MUHAMMAD!!!  No one.  Absolutely no one.  Thoughts?

Monday, May 16, 2011

I Will Not Forgive Or Forget

Best cake ever?  Best cake ever.
I found it more than ironic that Tiger Woods used some sort of injury to walk off the TPC Thursday after having a horrendous front 9. What was ironic about that exactly? Well, his partner in Nike, Gloria’s Bastard, quit on his hometown one year and one day earlier. Bizarre, no?  No?  Really?  Well, fuck you.  But before we get going on my rant, here is another rant about quitting...

FUCK YOU, JORGE POSADA.  You are a terrible player.  You have been for years.  You should have retired three years ago when you initially became worthless.  Nice Rip Hamilton impression.  Oh, you're completely fine with being a 7 hitter with the worst batting average in the game but God forbid you become a 9 hitter with the worst batting average in the league.  Eat shit.  The Yankees should release his ass and bring up Jesus Montero anyway.  Posada sucks.  Get your gigantic ears out of New York already.  Hmmm, let's get back on point to my original post that was supposed to run on Friday.

So the Heat beat the Celtics. Wank. Whatever. It must have been really hard to beat Fake Tough Guy, Jelly Rolls, and Black Iceman (only shoots threes, does nothing else…sorry bud). The one player that they couldn’t stop, they purposely cut his arm off and shoved up Wade’s ass (as is tradition!). By the way, can we stop hearing about Kendrick Perkins already? Perkins is terrible. Would he have shut down the cHeat centers that did nothing on the floor? Perkins sucks. Them trading him was the most overrated story of the season. But I digress.

The Heat celebrated like they just won 14 titles in a row which was a joke. You could tell in game one that this wasn’t going to be a great series. I laughed pretty hard at those fuckers behaving like they had never won a game before. And before someone tries to defend them for being in the moment or something else stupid, these jerks decided to be villains and mercenaries this Summer. This is what they are supposed to do. This is why we hate them. Then there was this in the postgame press room:

"I knew deep down in my heart, as much as I loved my teammates back in Cleveland and as much as I loved home, I knew it couldn't do it by myself against that team," Gloria's Bastard said.  "The way it panned out with all the friends and family and the fans back home, I apologize for the way it happened. I knew this opportunity was once in a lifetime. To be able to come down here and pair with two guys and this organization -- in order for me to move on with my career, that team that we just defeated, we had to go through them."
You know what, I can accept this. I’ve debated this internally for a year now. I kind of want to forgive Gloria’s Bastard. I really do. And it isn’t because Colin Cowherd tells me that I should. It’s because holding onto singular hate for something as meaningless as sports is beyond pointless. Yet that is what makes sports great...(ir)rational hate! But when he said this, it just made me angrier (moreso than usual). It was just another jab at Cavs fans. He could never beat the Celtics in Cleveland? Bitch please. You just beat them 2.5 on 5. Don’t give me that shit. Last year's Cavs team would have beat the C's in 5, too. But that is beside the point.

WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE SAID THIS EARLIER!!! That’s what pisses me off the most. If he says this the night of The Decision, I can at least rationalize his "logic". The first game in Cleveland, fine. But he has taken pot shots at Ohio for a full fucking year and only asks for forgiveness once he actually accomplishes something (albeit minimal) that apparently was "impossible" at The Q. And when you say shit about bringing titles to the long, suffering Miami Heat fanbase, get fucked. Get fucked hard.

I know eventually that I’ll get over this guy. I wish that it was as easy to do as I would like it to be. One of these days, I might even say his name again (haven’t said it once since the night he left…I’m a man of my word). But I want my apology when it isn’t convenient for him. I want him to say I’m sorry when the Heat (hopefully) get beat this year. I will forgive him then.

And if he doesn’t agree to these terms, well, sorry about that semen in your eyes, dickbag.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!!!  It's the best and worst thing about being gay!!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

It's Not My Fault

I had shit planned for today but stupid ass Blogger decided to go down for almost 24 hours.  So much like your sex life, you get nothing.  Oh well, at least Monday's post is already written.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

In Honor of 4:20...Three Weeks Later

I really don't have anything prepared to discuss today (since Mr. Ace stole my idea to write about black people music yesterday!) so I figured that I could just roll out a post idea that I had a few weeks ago. Three weeks ago actually. And since one of the stereotypes for potheads is being lazy, this seems like as good a time as ever to unleash it. Around the holy day for wastes of space, 4/20, there were numerous "best of" lists on the internet. Yet none of them were written by me, GFunk (where rhythm is life and life is rhythm). So without further Apu, here are, IN MY OWN OPINION, my favorite stoners from cinema.

**Note: I have never seen any of the Cheech and Chong movies. They look stupid. I doubt that I would find them funny. I prefer old and bald Cheech Marin anyway. So don't tell me that I forgot about them because I've forgotten about them for 30 years...on purpose.

Honorable Mention: the entire cast from Rolling Kansas. Comedy Central used to have this movie on all the time but I haven't seen it in awhile. The only thing you need to know about this movie is that Kevin Pollack calls the stoner kids, "Primordial turd spelunkers". That is some GREAT writing/insulting.

5. The Dude (The Big Lebowski) - I put him on here because it's a rule that Jeff Bridges playing himself must be acknowledged. He's probably overrated at this point since every line in that movie has been quoted ad nauseum. We get it, "shut the fuck up, Donnie".

4. Cliff (Dead Man On Campus) - I really like this movie for some reason. Maybe it's because it brought Zack Morris back to Hollywood and opened the gates for him to do Franklin and Bash ten years later. Nobody ruled more than Cliff as the deranged psychotic drug inhaler. Yet he was able to write such beautiful poetry. "My name is Cliff, brother of Joe. I got me some crack, I want me some ho's."

3. Thurgood Jenkins (Half Baked) - Half Baked is the best stoner movie ever. It is perfect. I watched it a few weeks ago on G4 or something and it was still hilarious. Everybody rules in the movie but I hate Jim Breuer (who actually was the best druggy) so I went with Chappelle instead. Him also being Sir Smoke-A-Lot helped.

2. Ron Slater (Dazed and Confused) - Wooderson gets all the love from this cult classic, but Slater was way funnier. It's a damn shame that Rory Cochrane never did much after this movie. Check-ee later!

1. Drugs Delany (Outside Providence) - If you have not seen this movie (I think that Ide referenced it in the comments a few posts ago), please do so. It is great. "Drugs" doesn't get a lot of face time after the first 20 minutes, but he makes the most of it. The letter that he wrote to Jackie when he first went off to boarding school was top notch. "Everyone was laughing like a bastard". And again, he went buy "Drugs". You know you're cool when you want to be called Drugs.

So there is that. It covers about everything that I wanted it to cover...which was nothing important. Who knows, it might spark some sort of great debate in the comments. I doubt it. But I would like to address one more thing before I go. Yesterday, Drew attacked by Monday post about FREECARSINCOLUMBUS because Thad Gibson blah blah blah. OK then, let's remember that the big issue here is that these football players aren't allowed to get deals that the public can't get. So if Gibson applied for a loan of $13,700 and the Bluebook value of his two year old Chrysler 300 (imported from Detroit!) is well over $20,000 then there is still a pretty large gap there that Joe The Plumber doesn't ever see. And believe me, there isn't a fucking trade-in coming from a college kid on the planet that is going for 6K+. So when you think that this is a good thing that your players weren't given a free whip, it still looks like there were rules broken here. And remember what I said on Tuesday, that salesman has been fired from everywhere he ever worked (apparently). I'm right, you so dumb.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Middle Class White Boy in the House

(Awwwwwwwwwwwwww Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea!)

Disclaimer: I am white. I come from a middle class family. I am in my mid 20's. I'm in Grad School. I'm married. I'm an only child. My parents are still married. The first "rap" album I ever owned was the Men in Black soundtrack; fuck yeah Fresh Prince. The reason I became I hip hop fan is because Notorious B.I.G. was killed and Puff Daddy made "I'll Be Missing You". So yeah, my street credentials may be lacking. But I know good hip hop dammit.

If you're reading this you are probably a white guy who can't dance, loves Journey, and is likely named Chad...or Thad. This post is probably not for you. So go blow your face off while listening to Kurt Cobain, hate jerk it to Courtney Love, and slam a Fender up your doo doo puss because today is all about the best genre of music ever. The thing I know more about than anybody here--which is no different than any other Wednesday. The thing that brought us the accomplishments of Bubba Sparxxx, Vanilla Ice, and MC Serch. Today, my friends, we talk Hip Hop.

Of course, lyrics always come first. I'm a sucker for super dope beats which means sometimes stuff like this finds it was into my playlist, but for the purpose of today's discussion we will focus on lyrics because that's what makes an MC...and I don't want to talk about Mannie Fresh all day.

I have wasted a ridiculous amount of time in my life scouring the interwebs looking for the new hotness. I take great pride in being up on my rap game. But it's one thing to know about the newest Lil Wayne song(Can't stand Lil Wayne), it's an entirely different thing to appreciate the classics of the rap game. Today is all about the classics.

Top 10 Rap Albums
1. Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die. Just put it in and listen. Every song tells a different story. The best rapper ever's first album cannot be topped. Gimme the loot, Warning, One More Chance, Big Poppa, and Juicy(Best rap song ever) are just a few of the classics from the album.
2. Nas - Illmatic. The only reason I can't put this at #1 is it only has 10 tracks. 10 of the best tracks ever to appear on an album, but still only 10 tracks. Illmatic became its own word. Nas became a legend known as the best lyricist out there. And he hated Jay-Z before becoming a bitch and signing with his label, but Ether was nasty. NY State of Mind(One of the best songs ever), One Love, One Time For Your Mind, It Ain't Hard to Tell, and Life's a Bitch are just a few.
3. Wu Tang Clan - 36 Chambers. Easily the best rap group ever. RZA, Meth, Ghost, and the Chef are some of the best rappers ever, having them all in the same group just isn't fair. Enter The Wu (36 Chambers) was their first introduction and they made an immediate impression on the rap game. Tracks like Method Mad, C.R.E.A.M., Ain't Nothin to Fuck With, and Bring Da Ruckus are some of the headliners.
4. Eminem - Marshall Mathers LP
. Although it's not #1, it's my favorite album to listen to. This album is where he brought together all his crazy shit from Slim Shady LP and before and combined it with the ability to reach the mainstream.
5. Dr. Dre - Chronic 2001. The Detox album will never come, but he's not going to top Chronic 2001 anyways.
6. The Roots - Things Fall Apart. The Roots always bring a different sound and Black Thought brings the conscious lyrics. The Next Movement is my favorite song off this album, followed by You Got Me.
7. Outkast - Aquemini. Outkast probably deserves to be higher on this list, but with great albums like Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik and ATLiens coming before it, it's hard for me to pick just one. But Skew it on the Bar B, Rosa Parks, and Da Art of Storytellin 1 and 2 put this album at the top of their list for me.
8. Fugees - The Score. Pras, Lauryn Hill, and Wyclef....yeah.
9. Ma$e - Harlem World. Mase is the reason I hate religion. Harlem World was Mase's debut album and it was the first album that was ever able to listen to without skipping a song. It was also the first album that terrified my parents. But he came back and Double Up was horrible. Then he joined G Unit and, as Loon put it, became a Dildo Hopper. But Harlem World is still one of my
10. 50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Tryin. Everything he has done since is hot fucking garbage, but his debut album was hot.
Honorable Mention: Lupe Fiasco - The Coolest
Honorable Mention: Kanye West - College Dropout
Honorable Mention: Ludacris - Word of Mouf

Top Five Dead or Alive
1. Notorious B.I.G. If he were alive today he would be 39 and put out another 5 albums. But as it is he is still the best rapper ever. No matter how many times Diddy tries to cash in by releasing old stuff or making remixes, B.I.G. was, and still is, the king of rap.
2. Andre 3000(Outkast). He still puts out music that is on par with what Outkast was doing with ATLiens and Southernplayalistic...and he has probably gotten better. Royal Flush and some other lyrical homicide to check out.
3. Nas. When your first album is Illmatic it is hard to live up to your own hype. His albums slowly got worse throughout his career, but his music was still better than 99% of the other stuff out there. I lost some respect for him when he joined Jay-Z's label. You can't release "Ether" and then team up.
4. Eminem. There isn't a single song of his that I don't like, even some of the weaker stuff on Relapse is good. Hoepfully with the drug problems taken care of he can get back to what he was on the Marshall Mathers LPand before. Till I Collapse and some more of his best work.
5. ...this is a tough one. I never got into the West Coast stuff so I don't put Tupac in. I like Wu Tang but it's hard to separate Method Man, Ghostface, and Raekwon. Jay -Z bites half of his lyrics from Biggie so he's not top 5. I've always liked Busta Rhymes. DMX used to be right at the top before he went crazy and started impersonating FBI agents. So I'm going to cheat on this one, Busta Rhymes/Tupac/Method Man/DMX...probably in that order.
Honorable Mention: Ice Cube, Common, Scarface, Kanye West, Mos Def, J Cole, Too Short.

Five Up and Comers.
Earl Sweatshirt. I listen to his song "Earl" every single day. He says some wild shit...kind of reminds me of a black Eminem; "Go on, suck it up; but hurry, I got nuts to bust, And butts to fuck and ups to shut and sluts to fuckin' uppercut. It's OF buttercup, go ahead, fuck with us. Without a doubt, a sure-fire way to get your mother fucked. Ask her for a couple bucks, shove a trumpet up her butt. Play a song, invade a thong, my dick is havin' guts for lunch". My dick is having guts for lunch...this kid is a genius.
Odd Future. This is the group that Earl Sweatshirt is a part of. Taylor the Creator is another talented guy in the group. There stuff is all over. You can download most of it here. Just take a look at the home page and you know they are on some different shit.
Childish Gambino. You may also know him as Donald Glover, actor on Community and writer for 30 Rock. Actor, writer, and musician at the age of 27, he's obviously got talent. Freaks and Geeks is one of his more popular songs and really put him on the map as a rapper.
J Cole. Probably my favorite rapper out right now. He's not new, but for some reason he doesn't get the recognition he deserves. Friday Night Lights is a classic album. Here are some of my favorites; Get Away, Blow Up, Villemattic, Dead Presidents, Who Dat, and In the Mornin.
Ill Legit. An up and comer out of Chicago. An acquaintance of mine does a lot of work with him and he's starting to garner some serious attention. You can check out some of his stuff here, especially check out "Time is Now". Here is some more of his stuff.

In honor of Lange's baby-making skills, here is Youngbloodz-I Smoke, I Drank.

Whoo, now you are officially a connoisseur of the hip hop. Feel free to debate me in the comments...or talk about Cash Money Records, Master P, and how awesome Trick Daddy was. Whatever. Enjoy your music porn post.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Where "Holy Shit Look At That Guy's Elbow" Happens

Ahhhh, my arm!  Now I know why Tigers eat their young!
I've come to realize over the last few weeks that if you have no team in the hunt and can just watch things objectively, the NBA is a whole lot better to watch.  And these playoffs so far have been outstanding.  Which is why I just wanted to hit some points that may or may not have anything to do with Ron Artest's poor form on his clothesline attempt.  Stan "The Lariat" Hansen just rolled over in his grave.  Yes, that is an early 90's WCW reference!

Lakers - Whoa, the shit hit the fan fast and furious.  I didn't see that one coming.  One thing is certain though and I know this from experience, something happened in that lockerroom.  Something DEFINITELY happened behind the scenes to cause the champs to look like they didn't care.  I'm betting that Steve Blake fucked Gloria James and she gave him lupus which they told the public was chicken pox.  That's my guess.  I didn't mind seeing them fall apart though.  That entire dynasty was built on interracial hotel rape.  And at least they went out with class!  The Artest face-rake, the Kardashian 'bow, and the Bynum forearm shiver really helped my enjoyment factor.  And let's also mention the topless court-leave by Bynum.  Just a classic way to end your season.

Phil Jackson - I've always liked the guy.  You can't punish him for not taking terrible jobs.  Dude is smart.  And his advice to Rick Carlisle that "you don't smoke peyote" is still making me laugh.  The guy's coaching career just ended and he's giving drug tips.  AWESOME.  Mark Cuban telling him "don't quit, we need you" when he was walking off the floor just goes to show that Cuban is a whiny little bitch. 

Barea - Can you blame Bynum?  I would tackle the shit out of this little fucker if he came to the rack against me.

Rondo - Congrats, Rajon, you are the first mortal enemy of mine to give me a fan-boner.  THIS GUY is a fucking warrior.  I wouldn't even get out of bed if I dislocated my elbow.  But he just goes back on the floor, wins the game, comes back in game 4 to start, pwns shit again, and (I'm writing this in the 2nd quarter) I guarantee leads the C's to victory and an even series.  GUARANSHEED.  Celtics fans eat that shit up.  One more time, Rondo is the fucking man.

Wade - Yeah, you're a dirty player.  I'm not saying it was intentional, BUT he did unnecessarily throw Rondo down.  He takes little shots like that all the time.  Fuck that guy.

Retarded - #6 said that it's "retarded" to call Wade dirty.  Nice word, choice, ya bastard.  Global icon...except at the Special Olympics I guess.

Bosh - Still terrible.  Openly admits that he was scared/nervous to take the floor in Boston.  This guy is the least deserving superstar of all time.  What a bitch.  I wouldn't mind seeing a Memphis/Miami Finals just because Z-Bo would average 40/20 against the Boshmallow.
Teague - Who here saw that Jeff Teague would be a competent point guard?  I figured that he'd be worse than commenter Jeff.

Boozer - Who is less productive:  Carlos or Bosh?  They both blow.  And I don't want to hear that shit about him having a toe injury either.  Guys that backstab blind dudes don't get the benefit of the doubt.

Westbrook - KNOW YOUR ROLE.  You should never ever shoot more than Durant, kid. 

Z-Bo - Am I crazy to say that I am freaking loving the Zach Randolph experience right now?  It's a fun ass ride.  The guy is still covered in blubber but he's unguardable!  Everyone of his shots hit the rafters yet go straight through the net.  I don't think that Durant is crazy for saying that he's the best PF in the game right now.  And I also love how Z-Bo publicly agreed with that statement as well.

Tony Allen/Battier - I don't think that it's that far-fetched to say that the Grizz can make the Finals.  Why?  Because they have these two guys that d the shit out of the other teams wings.  And that is huge.  What an awesome dynamic that Memphis has.  Great post players, playmaker at point, an enigma capable of anything with Mayo, and two shutdown swingmen that can also score.  It's a fun team to watch.

And for us losers, the lottery is one week from today!  Terrence Jones went back to UK, I see, which has to be the first player ever to go back to Calipari.  So am I to believe that he actually kept going to class then?  No way.  How about a prediction for the Finals since who knows when we'll talk hoops again:  REVENGE IS A CUBAN DISH BEST SERVED COLD (I don't know what that means)...Dallas over Miami.  That will make G$ a very happy sex machine.  By the way, as a tribute to Beanie, I did not proofread this at all.  Come on, typos!!!

Monday, May 09, 2011

And The Hits Just Keep On Coming!

Terrelle paid $3.50 for this vehicle much to the dismay of Chef's dad.
While the NCAA is wasting everyone's time by punishing the Boise State football team for something that their women's tennis team did (huh?), they just keep on ignoring the stench in Columbus.  Fortunately, the fine institution here is making it hard as shit to do just that.  Of course, I'm talking about the new reports that everyone is looking into a bunch of illegally discounted or free rigs that the football players have been getting for years.  Let's look at the AP report and break it down.  Drew will come in here filled up to his eyeballs with the ejaculate of 40 men trying to convince us that we know nothing and the losers at Eleven Warriors (what a dumbass site name and this is coming from a guy who shares his page's name with a gay porn site) or Knucklebutts already deeming this story to be irrelevant.  Whatever.  Your program is too dirty even for the SEC.  Breakdown:

Ohio State's director of compliance is reviewing at least 50 car sales to Buckeyes athletes and relatives to see if they met NCAA rules, The Columbus Dispatch reported Saturday.
-Wanna bet that they don't?  I could say that if this were 5 or 10 car sales, it could be a coincidence, but 50?  I think not.  Much props to the Dispatch on this though.  They keep digging and digging.  They could take the easy way out like The Fan did by hiring only yes-men who never say anything bad about Ohio State and provide nothing but dickless and boring coverage.  But they do not.  And I respect that.  Insert weekly "Demetrius Stanley is god awful" remark IN MY OWN OPINION!

The Dispatch reported that a car salesman who received game passes from Ohio State athletes handled many of the deals at two different dealerships. Ohio State has since taken the salesman, Aaron Kniffin, off the pass list.
-I think it's pretty fair to assume that when you become a college football player at a big program, you want to make sure that your family can always watch you play.  And if your family or close friends can't make it, the next best option is to give those comp tickets to your car salesman who apparently charged you the full sticker price?  Yep, that makes sense.  Nothing to see here.  Always got to take care of your car salesman.

Athletes are prevented from receiving special deals not available to other students. They are not permitted to trade autographs for discounts. Both dealerships display signed Ohio State memorabilia in their showrooms.
-Case closed.  Now we know why we see college football players always driving big ass SUVs eventhough they have no job and no source of income and usually come from lower income families.  Shady dealerships are willing to sell them Escalades for $100 as long as they can put a signed photo of them on their wall.  This has to happen everywhere but I don't care about everywhere right now.  I care about this program getting what they deserve.  Banishment to NAIA!

One car, a 2-year-old Chrysler 300 with fewer than 20,000 miles, was titled to then-sophomore defensive player Thaddeus Gibson in 2009. Documents show the purchase price as $0. Gibson said he did not know why the title showed a zero for the purchase price and said he was still paying for the car.
-Thaddeus, the title said "$0" on it because you paid "$0" for it.  That's how the concept of "free" works.  I could maybe understand forgetting a digit if it's supposed to say 20,000 and you put 200,000 instead.  But zero?  And I suppose that he could still be paying for that car.  "Nothing" is sort of a payment, right?

School officials have seen no evidence of players getting special treatment in vehicle sales, Douglas Archie, associate athletic director for compliance, said in a statement Saturday.
-Really?  Can we bring in commenter Daniel for this?  Daniel, tell us about the sort of nice rides that these kids are driving and fill us in on how they afford it.  Personally, out of all the people that I knew in college, not one of them had really nice cars.  Why?  Because normal college kids don't have the funds to go buying new Tahoes.  Doug Archie can eat shit.  Fire him, too.

The mother and brother of Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor also purchased cars from the dealerships. Kniffin loaned his own car to Pryor for a three-day test drive to Pryor's home in Jeannette, Pa.
-Hoo boy, here we go again.  We'll just ignore how this Kniffin cat just gave his car to the biggest loser on the planet for a weekend with apparently no strings attached.  How about this: we have been lead to believe that Pryor was selling his stuff to a drug dealer because his family was poor and he was trying to help out or save Christmas or some other lie.  Well, the Pryor's apparently aren't poor enough for new cars!  And you would think that there would be at least one reliable and reputable dealership between Columbus and western PA.  Why drive over three hours to buy a car?  BECAUSE THEY WERE GETTING SHIT FOR FREE, ASSHOLES!  This is how the Pryor Family works!

Kniffin and the owner of one of the dealerships he worked for, Jason Goss, have attended seven football games as guests of players, including the 2007 national championship game and the 2009 Fiesta Bowl.
-Again, there is absolutely zero reason for a college football player to do this for a car salesman and dealership owner unless their backs had already been scratched.  It doesn't take an idiot to figure this out.

I can add.  So can you.  If Terrelle Pryor is attached to something, you can bet your ass that it's sketchy.  This is wrong and it is high fucking time that the NCAA finally slaps that "lack of institutional control" tag on Ohio State.  I'm too smart to speak for Fuckeye fans, but I've got to think that the majority of them just want to get the full punishment out of the way, have all of those responsible get fired, move on, and fit as many penises in their mouth as they can fit.  And while many of you probably are starting to grow tired of my constant posts about the Fuckeye program, well, if these dickheads would just keep their noses clean for more than two weeks, maybe we wouldn't keep beating this dead horse.  Or if the NCAA did the right thing, too.  Terrelle Pryor is the The Truth or the GOAT still, right?