Friday, April 29, 2011

The NFL Draft First Round: An Open Forum

Oh.  You didn't know?  Ryan Kerrigan's middle name is "Shane Stant".
No time to waste...except for this.  Fuck Roger Goddell with a big rubber dick.  Him whining about the draft not happening ever again is the faggiest shit this side of Dut's house.  He is such a sack of dicks.  I HATE Roger Goodell (or "Goodale" as Demetrius Stanley calls him).  God bless you, New Yorkers, for booing the shit out of that daywalking uni-cunt.  How about the draft though?  First round winners and losers perhaps?

WINNER - The Browns.  HUGE winners.  What a haul for the #6 pick.  I'm glad that their front office was smart and decided that a WR isn't that important in the WCO.  Because they aren't.  Julio Jones would have been a waste of a pick there.  Drafting "flash" is ridiculously risky.  Instead, they get a monster deal which remind of what the Skins got for Ricky Williams.  Nice work.  I like Phil Taylor, too.  He WILL stuff the middle...something they haven't done in a coon's age.

POTENTIAL LOSER - The Falcons.  Julio Jones better become a fucking superstar.  He fucking better.  Tom Dimitroff doesn't come off as a GM that would be this bold.  Julio better ball and ball fast.  Oh, and go hit the unemployment line, Michael Jenkins.

WINNER - The Redskins.  This is more for my sake.  I had a bad feeling that they would take a terrible quarterback but they did not and smartly traded back.  They got a high second rounder (now 3 picks in the top 50) and drafted Jeff Gilooly's son, Ryan Kerrigan.  It's not sexy but I didn't want a sexy pick this year.  After watching Al Haynesworth for the last two years, seeing a guy try will be a welcomed sight.  I like it just because it was a solid football decision...and the more white guys, the better.  And he did sack Terrelle Pryor as well!

LOSER - The Titans.  Jake Locker at 8.  They cut Vince Young only to draft a less accurate and skilled QB to replace him.  They will be in the top ten for the next decade.

TENTATIVE WINNER - The Lions.  Drew texted me that Jim Schwartz (this sites favorite coach) said that Nick Fairley was a dream come true.  I like how my boy is dreaming about big black life-enders.  Good God, the Lions D-Line will not be stopped.  But I'm a little nervous here because their secondary and offensive line still suck.  Fairley didn't address any of their issues.  I guess that's why there are 6 more rounds.

HUGE LOSER - The Vikings.  Christian Ponder is someone that I liked...in the late second round.  Mel called him "Chad Pennington" about 40 times during the telecast.  Would you be happy if your team drafted Chad Pennington at #12?  Didn't think so.

WINNER - The Jaguars.  I sort of like Blaine Gabbert and they had the balls and moxie to go get him.  Now Blaine gets a year or two to learn from the sidelines.  Saavy move from a usually stupid franchise.

LOSER - The Texans.  Worst secondary ever so they go draft a DE?  Huh?

WINNER - The Colts. Big white guys who can protect Peyton are more than welcome in Indy.

HUGE LOSER - Peyton Hillis.  Thank your Lord and Savior on your own time, queer.  He'll be out of the league in three years.  He sucks.

WINNER - Bud Light Cans.  Thank you for helping me get through Jon Gruden's terrible analysis.

NOT REALLY A LOSER - The Eagles.  A guard from Baylor?  Way to reach for the stars!  Actually, it's a good pick.  I may be sort of drunk right now, but this joke that I just told myself and the dog made me laugh.  "With the 23rd pick in the Draft, Andy Reid selects a meatball sandwich".  I don't care, that's funny!  I should host the AVN Awards next year.

Eh, I'm just going to assume that nothing crazy happens over the last 8 picks and focus more on my drinking/couch.  In conclusion, on a sad note, a streak was ended tonight.  For over a decade now, I have screamed "SUPER BOWL!" as soon as the Redskins' pick was announced.  That did not happen this year.  So sad.  But then again, it hadn't really been working well anyway.  Enjoy the rest of Draft weekend, fuckers.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Long-Awaited Sequel To Porn Day!

Alright, men.  Ya'll ready for dis?  Over a year ago, Mr. Ace entertained us all with his post on porn.  We learned that he enjoys himself some big natural tittays.  His wife was not too pleased.  I expect She$ to be equally unimpressed after this.  But we must do it.  We must.  And so we are.  That's right, how about a live journal of the 2011 AVN awards?  Oh yes I am.  We know so little about the seedy underbelly of adult films.  Let's change that.  I DVR'ed the taping of this on Showtime last night.  Two hours of porn's best and brightest from the past year.  So slide on your cock ring and enjoy.

:01 - Looks like we're going to get 30 minutes of red carpet bullshit before the awards are given out.  Dave Navarro is interviewing stars with Jesse Jane, Kirsten Price and some other dumb whore.  Navarro is wearing a blazer with no shirt underneath.  What a douchebag.
:03 - Jenna Haze is here and is nominated for 17 awards.  Jesus Christ, how long is this show going to be?
:05 - Navarro interviews some fans which includes a few Asian guys that are way too excited to be there.  By the way, this is being held at The Palms...hilarious.
:06 - Nikki Benz is wearing a dress with a hood on...terrible.  RON JEREMY IS HERE!!!  Navarro calls him handsome and Ron vehemently disagrees.  Classic hedgehog!
:08 - George Maloof is here.  Go Kings!
:08 - Tera Patrick is in the house and talking about some book she wrote.  No one cares, you bag of gonorrhea, get back to getting fucked on camera.
:09 - Navarro reminds Kacey Jordan that they've banged a few times.  She doesn't seem embarrassed eventhough she should be.  Jessie Andrews is absolutely disgusting but she does say that she wants to suck Manuel Ferarra's cock (whoever that is) while Jesse Jane talks about the same guy sticking it up her ass.  The Oscars, this is not.
:13 - Price interviewing a bunch of British people, "I love your accents.  It makes me want to ride your faces."  Alright!
:14 - Bombshell McGee and her disgusting tattoos admits to fucking in an autopsy room before.  I wish it was her that was dead.
:15 - Stoya telling the story of her first double penetration.  I have never heard of this bitch before but I'm enjoying her story. 1/8th done!

:16 - Jesse grabs and rubs an old man's cock.  Eat shit, Joan Rivers!
:18 - Navarro asks Angelina Valentine to explain what makes a good oral sex scene.  Hey asshole, it doesn't take a doctorate to know what makes a good oral sex scene.  I hate Navarro.  Valentine: "You have to be a hardcore bitch to take a big dick."  Well then!
:20 - Lisa Lampenelli is your emcee for the night.  This ought to be good.  She's about as funny as strangling bunnies.  Seriously, she is a terrible comedienne.  Her whole schtick is about black cocks...not the best place to tell those jokes.  She might get what she wants.  I hope that Lexington Steele destroys her.
:22 - Brittany Andrews:  "I've licked a lot of ass and had a fabulous time!"  Teagan Presley Alert!!!  She should have never gotten her tits done or that horrible full arm tat.  But still...erection.
:24 - Savanna Samson went into the Hall of Fame this year.  Where is the AVN Hall of Fame because that will be the wife and I's next vacation destination.
:25 - Tori Black, one of tonight's hosts along with Riley Steele, is here with a black guy.  Well done, random black guy!  Drew is so jealous.  Goddamn, Tori is smoking hot.
:26 - Dale DaBone is dressed up like Elvis for some reason and doing the vocal impression.  This makes zero sense.  EVAN STONE IN THE HOUSE!!!  With short hair?  Weak. Captain Edward Reynolds has long flowing locks.
:28 - Red Carpet bullshit is over.  The actual award show is starting now.  About fucking time.  At least we're done with Dave Navarro.  Jane's Addiction is the worst band ever not named Rush!

:30 - Opening comedy segment with LL.  This is going to be brutal.  She does a Betty White joke about fistfucking and no one laughs.  Now complimenting the large dicks of porn.  Still no response.  Oh great, we've reached the segment on black cocks.  LL makes a joke about small Asian members and there is an Asian in the audience!  He's fucking pissed!  This is great.  This guy wants to kick her face off.  Painful.  This is absolutely painful.  LL is getting ZERO reaction from these morons.  GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE, WHORE.  A Carnie Wilson joke?  That went over about as well as expected.  3 minutes on her new husband's nutsack...I want to kill myself.  Oh thank God she's done.  Worst six minutes of my life.  Bring out Riley and Tori!  They look even hotter next to that gargoyle.
:36 - Riley Steele looks exactly like Mila Kunis.  EXACTLY.  Best oral sex scene up first.  Tommy Gunn presents and looks just like Lou Diamond Phillips.  The winner for best BJ of the year is none other than Tori Black in Stripper Diaries!  Tori's speech:  "Keep watching me and I'll keep sucking cock the way I do".  That quote is on Ide's business card.
:38 - Best all girl sex scene is up next and the presenters are EVAN STONE and Lil Strut's favorite, Shyla Stylez!  The winners are...Jenna Haze and Monique Alexander from MEOW!  Apparently these two used to be in love with each other.  They both thank each other for letting them eat each other's snatch.  Nice.  Monique shows off her new tits backstage.  Surprisingly, these are the first tits of the night.  This isn't nearly as erotic as I expected.
:41 - We come back and Evan Stone is motorboating Shyla's ass cheeks.  And I'm not joking.  I think I saw Tom Hanks do this to Cate Blanchett at the Oscars a few years ago.  Next award is for best Gonzo release.  What the fuck does that mean?  Buttwoman Vs. Slutwoman wins although I would have voted for Buttman's Bend Over Babes 7!  Porno movies have the best titles.

:43 - There are 15 girls up for female performer of the year so we have little vignettes for all the nominees.  Tori Black (heard of), Riley Steele (heard of), Asa Akira (heard of and she is outstanding), Faye Reagan (never heard of and she is nasty, her face is one big ass freckle), and Bobbi Starr (never heard of but she played the oboe in college!).
:47 - Tera Patrick out to present best actor award.  Maybe she'll talk about her book again.  Tom Byron wins for his Big Lebowski parody.  I don't care at all.  Best interracial release is up next.  This ought to be hilarious.  Oh come on, was there any doubt at all that Lex The Impaler 5 was going to win?  Jules Jordan is a tiny white dude if you were wondering.  I did not know that.
:51 - Lexington Steele gets complimented backstage for "murdering girls with his cock".  That should be an award.  LL talks about bleaching her asshole.  I'm going to be sick.
:52 - Best double penetration scene?  Seal better be nominated.  Asa Akira wins probably because she was the only nominee who didn't have two black dudes stick it to her.  It's her first AVN, people!  This is history!
:55 - Best Pornstar Website goes to--whoa, two chicks making out in the crowd!  That makes no sense.  Joanna Angel wins.  I have never heard of her or that site.  Time to familiarize myself with it.  JA: "Thank you for paying for porn"!  That's amateur shit.  Who pays for porn?
:56 - Time to meet the next five best female performer nominees:  Kristina Rose (never heard of), Lexi Belle (never heard of), Misty Stone (never heard of, token ugly black skank...not attractive at all), Kagney Linn Karter (never heard of, she has bruises all over her legs...nice), and Jenna Haze (Yes!  She gets my vote just for her corkscrew BJ technique which she is discussing!).  Whew, halfway done!

1:00 - An Ellen DeGeneres joke!  Lisa Lampanelli FUCKING SUCKS.
1:01 - Best selling release of the year?  This is stupid.  You know damn well that Batman XXX is going to win.  And it does.  Evan Stone AND Ron Jeremy were in that!  I guarantee that Ron was The Penguin.  Dale DaBone came out of retirement to be Batman...show some respect!  He's still doing the Elvis thing.  It is still fucking retarded.
1:03 - Ron Jeremy backstage interview.  He has a harmonica for some reason and talking about his role in Jurassic Cock.  Now he's strangling Jessie Andrews for some reason.  Kill her, Ron!!!
1:04 - Three attorneys are presenting the next award.  I'm sure that they are well-respected throughout the legal system.  We get a recap of some lawsuit the federal government dropped on some porn guy named John Stagliano.  You aren't missing anything.  I guess he won some lifetime achievement award.  This is boring.  Where is Rex Grossman?  He should be here.
1:11 - Ashley Madison Award for Crossover Star of the Year:  Jesse Jane, Sasha Grey (who was awful on Entourage), Riley Steele, Savanna Samson (who was nominated for doing a fucking COMMERCIAL?).  Steele is going to win.  Some broad in the audience shows her nipple ring.  Yep, I was right on the winner.
1:15 - Kagney Linn here to present...I have no idea...it appears that she can't read a teleprompter.  Best new starlet?  I hope my penis is paying attention.  There are about 20 nominees for some reason.  How hard is it just to pick 5 or 6?  Gracie Glam is the winner.  Eh, she doesn't seem that great.  It appears that she has acne on her chest.  Delicious.

1:18 - The final five nominees for best female performer are:  Andy San Dimas (heard of only because she plays Marge in The Simpsons porn parody), Monique Alexander (never heard of), Kayden Kross (never heard of but HOLY SHIT!), Alexis Texas (never heard of and admittedly NOT from Texas), and finally, Kimberly Kane (never heard of and seems like a cunt).  There is no doubt in my mind that Tori Black wins for the 2nd year in a row.
1:21 - Best threeway is up and some black dude named Prince Joshua is here to present.  Silly asshole, black guys can't be royalty!  The winner is...two idiots and a guy named Mr. Pete.  The AVN award itself is gay.  Shouldn't it be a big golden dick?  Because it isn't.  It's just one of those big red EASY buttons from Office Depot but with AVN on it instead. 
1:24 - Fan favorite awards time and one of the presenters is the aforementioned Asian guy that got pissed off earlier!  He's British?  He sounds British.  Is Asian-British even possible?  Jenna Haze is the fan favorite and favorite body goes to Alektra Blue.  Favorite movie goes to Asa Akira (how can a person win favorite movie?).  Wow though, they got the best body 100% right.
1:29 - Best couples sex scene...Kristina Rose as Slutwoman!  Whatever, I'm getting bored.  She has no voice.  Insert your own joke about swallowing.

1:32 - Time for Best Actress which is apparently different from Female Performer of the Year.  These damn AVN's are confusing as shit.  A tie?  Really?  India Summer and Andy San Dimas.  That's fucking lame as shit.  THERE ARE NO TIES IN PORN!  India Summer appears to be 85 years old.
1:36 - Best parody awards are up.  "Elvis" is presenting these.  THIS IS GAY but he does call Lex's member a "Mississippi Mudsnake".  I laughed.  Does anyone care about these two awards?  I don't.  You can look up the winners on your own if you care.
1:41 - In case you were wondering, the Jersey Shore porn parody did not win.  Porno The Situation was hilarious though.  He had about a million gold chains.
1:43 - YES, we've finally gotten to the Female Performer of the Year award.  Ron Jeremy and Teagan Presley are presenting.  Ron: "I've never fucked an apple pie, but I may fuck a few dried prunes every once in awhile".  Hilarious.  I really should have hugged that man at the Vegas airport.
1:45 - The winner is...TORI BLACK!  She goes back-to-back!  Tori is presented with an iPad and iPhone, too, for some reason.
1:46 - Fuck!  There are more awards?  One of the presenters is on crutches.  This makes me laugh.  Best Feature is hopefully the last award.  Again, there are a million nominees.  "Speed" wins.  That title sucks.  Brad Armstrong confirms that Kenny Stiles is the only Asian man in porn.  He should still ninja kick Lisa Lampanelli in the box.  And...the show is over...thankfully.

Hmmmmm, I hope that you guys didn't hate this.  I included links (you should NOT click on them if you are at work which I probably should have stated at the beginning of this) to help get you through.  The links took about as long as the show was.  In conclusion, I hope I helped increase your spank bank.  And for future reference, don't watch the AVN Awards.  It was pretty disappointing likely due to Lisa Lampanelli's horrendous act.  Enjoy the Draft tonight.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hump Day Dump: I Want Your Stress

(Hint Hint)

Douche Lord of the Week. Commenter Dustin is back for his second go-round. Commenter Daniel sent me a text seeing if I wanted to meet up and play tummy sticks while watching the draft. Of course I did, so we agreed to meet up at Barley's. I was then told commenters Lil Strut and Dustin would be attending the party...the more dicks the merrier. Then I get a text from Daniel saying, "Dut says Barley's isn't sporty enough." I don't know what isn't sporty about barbeque and microbrew, but maybe he has a better suggestion. Dustin's suggestion, of course, is his house...the fuck? What is less sporty than a basement featuring bright red leather sofa's covered with seminal fluid and piss from the past five years? Tressel appreciates your support. Douche Lorded.

I Need Dat Weed. When Janoris Jenkins announced he was staying at Florida instead entering the draft to be a surefire first round pick, I called him an idiot. Well guess what, I was right. Turns out Jenkins was living the good life at Florida slaying hoes and smoking hash...but just a little too much hash for new head coach Will Muschamp. Where Urban would have just suspended Jenkins for the first half against FGCA&M after his second drug related arrest in three months, Muschamp has fucking stones and sent the kid packing. That better have been some multi-million dollar weed.

Did you see how that worked Fuckeyes? Crime--->Punishment. Crazy, huh?

Lets Talk About Stress, Baby. (Yes, that is a George Michael and Salt n Pepa reference in the same post. Culture and Sophistication, it's what I do) I have always been able to handle stress. I was Mariano Rivera in the World Series. John Elway in a playoff game against the Browns. Jordan with Craig Ehlo trying to hold his jock. I was unphasable. But then a crude combination of work, school, and life struck and I found myself overwhelmed and in desperate need of a Jeffrey. I mostly blame the internet because every time I try to sit down and crank out some school work I end up on Facebook for hours and hours for absolutely no fucking reason, reading the sexbag at KSK, trolling the board at Mgoblog, or reading Deadspin's Drunken Hookup Failures. The internet has given me ADD, at least it's not AIDS. But at this point I need to find a stress reliever that leaves me functional enough to do school work (i.e. not an illegal substance). This is what has been doing it for me the last two months.

1. Cigar. There is just something about a cigar that is good for your soul. It slows the world down around you. It makes you feel important. And you can't smoke it inside, unless you want your place to smell like a tobacco pipe and old balls, so it forces you away from whatever is stressing you. But none of that black n mild bullshit. Gotta be the good stuff...and Cohiba is overrated.

2. Booze. There is almost never a time when I sit down to type a paper that I'm not consuming an alcoholic beverage. This goes for typing up a blogpost too. I think this technically makes me an alcoholic since I need a chemical substance to perform a normal activity, but I'm okay with that. Relaxation is key, and booze is key to my relaxation.

3. Music. Music almost always accompanies any of the other three. Right now my go-to stress killer is "Get Away" by J Cole. It almost immediately knocks me down from blowing up a church to roughing up a 10 year old. But a solid music break can always remedy any situation. Feel like giving the Rock Bottom to a kid at work? Just throw on the head phones. Feel like calling your professor and threatening to gut her poodle if she doesn't give you an extension on your final paper? Just throw on the head phones. Even Eminem's "Kill You" can somehow find a way to calm me down instead of spurring mass murder.

4. Exercise. And no, I'm not talking about going to the gym and going Arnold for an hour, that would just make me fucking RAGE. I'm talking about just getting away and going for a run/walk on a trail somewhere far away from anything that matters. Everybody has a little bit of hippie inside of them, getting out into nature is a good thing.

5. Movie. But it's got to be something crazy. If I'm going to waste two hours of my precious time it better do the fucking job. For example, yesterday I watched Natural Born Killers. It was crazy. This is a good example.

You might think that jerkin it or sexxin would be on this list...but I just find myself thinking about how worthless I am and how much other shit I need to be doing. I know you evil fucktards get stressed out doing whatever it is you do, how do you deal?

Brutus. Columbusites(?) where the hell can I find a garden statue of Brutus the Buckeye, about 3 feet tall. My parents have done some serious landscaping work and apparently their garden is in need of a mascot. All hateful Fuckeye jokes aside(and there are many) I need to find one of these things for my father's birthday. Any ideas? And are they available with sleeve tats?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

O-H-Lie-O!

And this is just for his vests!
Brilliant.  Word came down yesterday that the NCAA has confirmed what we all knew:  Jim Tressel is a poopypants liar.  And it seems to all rational thinkers such as myself, that O-lie-o State's self-flagellation will not be sufficient.  That rules!  More is coming and they should also throw in a couple of punishments for that joke of a spring game on Saturday, too.  I had to watch a bit of it at the in-laws and couldn't really figure out what I was watching.  How the fuck is the defense supposed to beat the offense?  That game was more fixed than Monday Night Raw.  Don't give me that shit about injuries either, anOSU has about 150 kids on the roster.  Fag shit.  Now I'm even more certain that Toledo Tim whoops their ass in September.

If I was enlisted, I would have been deeply offended that a man with zero honor and integrity like Tress was wearing fatigues.  Dickhead.  Go write another book that is 100% bear feces, you taint bomb.  So let's talk about what was broken by millions yesterday.

*While anOSU is OK on the whole lack of institutional control thing, they are still on the hook for several major violations.  Damn, I was hoping for the death penalty!
*Tressel permitted KNOWN ineligible players to play the entire season.  Nice job, dick.  I think it's pretty obvious that the 2010 Buckeye team will now finish 0-12.  But they will still get that Sugar Bowl win for some bizarre and fucked up reason.  I guess that the Fuckeye Five should have been banned for the first 12 but once 2011 began, they were OK?  Make sense?  It does in Indianapolis.
*Tressel did not divulge to his bosses that his players were selling shit to a criminal who was under federal investigation for drugs.  What was he supposed to do here, actually notify the compliance people?  Of course not!  By the way, can I get a retroactive piss test from those five guys?  I know for a fact that one of the Fuckeye Five had a drug issue swept away three years ago.  Based on my excellent addition skills, past history of drugs + bartering with a drug dealer = ummmmm, could it be, DRUGS?  I may not be up to speed on the latest drug lingo, but I assume that "tattoos" means "crack rocks" these days.  For the last time, please don't argue about how selling their jerseys shouldn't be illegal.  Why?  What could possibly go wrong if T. Boone Pickens started buying game jerseys from kids for $20,000.  Nope, can't see anything wrong with that.
*Pryor tweeted "I love Coach Tress" yesterday.  And why shouldn't he?  The man completely fucked himself and his career over for you and you still have not done anything that Jimmy Vas Deferens couldn't have done.  Congratulations, Terrelle.  This just goes to show, for all of you college coaches reading this, never treat your players like they are your sons.  They are not.  Do not defend them like it.
*Tressel called the FBI...but not about this!  This kills me.  He hears about the possibility of all of this shit going down, calls his buddy at the local FBI, and all he wants to talk about is getting an internship for a former player interested in a career at the Bureau.  If you believe this, and not the truth that he wanted to kill this before it got out, then you are a current student at Hope School.  Go Cougars!
*In September, Jimmy Boy signed a letter stating that he did not lie to investigators.  How ironic that he lied on a form about not lying!
*It looks like Tressel wouldn't have gotten into ANY trouble, if the school didn't appeal the player's suspensions.  When they did, they found the email chain and, lo and behold, Tress fucked himself.  So if he had just told the Fuckeye Five to eat shit like he should have done, the program probably wouldn't have vultures flying over it.

Is it just me or is the NCAA basically telling Ohio State to fire Tressel?  I feel like they are strongly implying this.  It's as if they don't really want to crush the program, but they will if the school is just going to gloss over this.  But as you all know, Gene Smiff and The Geek are spineless and dickless.  Like I've been saying all along, they have to cut ties with Tress.  They really do.  Saying otherwise makes you naive and blind.  The dude lied to his bosses and the governing bodies.  Fuck his record.

Yet I want him to stay surprisingly.  I really do.  If you thought that he was conservative before, just wait.  Now he sees that he isn't bulletproof.  Gone are the days of recruiting shitbirds like Pryor or Clarett Jamaal Berry or that pedophile from Cleveland.  He may never sign a black kid again!  Keep him running the show under these coming sanctions and the days of Ohio State going 7-5 every year and losing to Michigan will become a regularity.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Jim Tressel's Buckeye Ship is sinking and sinking fast.  Now the only question left is whether they release the life rafts and save everyone or allow everyone to go down with the ship.  I could leave with either one.  Especially the one with dead Buckeyes.  That would be great.

On an unrelated, big congrats go out to Z and Miranda for finally getting engaged this past weekend.  No woman wants to kick my ass more than she does! 

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Only Mock Draft on the Net That Doesn't Overvalue QBs

Less DERP, more drugs, please.
I have never shied away from my burning love for the NFL Draft.  I fucking love it.  I'm such a Draft-tard that come Saturday, I will still be glued to those final four rounds.  I don't know why.  I've heard of about ten percent of the guys taken, but nevertheless, there I will be...jerking it for 6 hours.  The post-draft chafing is unbearable.  And like usual, as the draft approaches, everyone is starting to go gaga over the quarterbacks.  Look, here is the fucking truth, every single one of these quarterbacks that are rumored to go in the first or second round are nothing more than AVERAGE.  None of these guys are franchise QBs.  I will bet both of my arms that none of them ever sniff the pro bowl (unless eight guys back out) except for maybe Cam.  This is why I'm scared.  You don't want your team to be in need of a quarterback this year.  They all suck.  And taking one of these past, present, and future turds is just a waste.  Yet I just know that Shanahan is going to pull the trigger on one.  The Skins haven't had a franchise QB since I was born...looks like that trend will continue for another five-plus years.
Anyway, how about a mock draft?  The initial portion was done a few weeks ago; over the course of two weeks at the soon to be defunct TSP.  A group of us were given the role of GM for a couple of teams and did the draft.  The results follow and then my personal call for who they SHOULD pick.  Needless to say, you will only see two QB's on my calls.  It isn't that hard, you'll be able to follow along.

1. Panthers - Cam Newton QB Auburn. The opportunity to get the face of the franchise and the most talented player in the draft takes priority over all other team needs.  G$:  Yep, Cam is going to Charlotte.

2. Broncos - Nick Fairley DT Auburn. New coach John Fox wants to run a 4-3 defense and the biggest need on the Broncos is DT.  G$:  Right position, wrong player...Marcell Dareus.

3. Bills - Von Miller OLB Texas A&M. Von Miller is hands down the best linebacker in the draft.  G$:  Take Gabbert, you fools!  Stop dicking around with guys that you know can't play.

4. Bengals - A.J. Green WR Georgia. Green is the best WR in the draft and one of the best players in the draft.  G$:  Green seems about right.  They'll probably take Sanzenbacher here though.

5. Cardinals - Blaine Gabbert QB Missouri. Larry Fitzgerald just sent a big thank you! G$: Von Miller.

6. Browns - Julio Jones WR Alabama. Jones should be that big play threat that has been severely lacking for the Browns.  G$:  You don't need stud receivers in a west coast offfense.  Take Patrick Peterson and you can put 9 fucking guys in the box.  It makes too much sense which is why they'll draft a deep threat for a QB that can't throw more than 20 yards downfield.

7. 49ers - Patrick Peterson CB LSU. Harbaugh elects to grab the top prospect in the draft to help an immediate need for them.  G$: Nick Fairley.

8. Titans - Robert Quinn, DE/OLB North Carolina. We needed a QB but with Blaine and Cam gone we didnt want to waste an early pick on shithead Mallett. So Quinn was a great option.  G$:  Quinn it is.

9. Cowboys - Tyron Smith, OT USC. Smith is easily the most talented lineman in the draft, and the Cowboys need to make sure that their franchise QB is protected. G$: They can get a decent tackle later, Amukamara should be the pick.

10. Redskins - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama. Goodbye, Albert Haynesworth. The Skins defense was abysmal last year so pretty much any defensive pick here would be an upgrade.  G$:  Julio Jones but I expect the Skins to trade back if Jones makes it to ten.

11. Texans - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska. Getting a shutdown corner is a big step forward for our below average pass defense. G$: Probably a little too early for Jimmy Smith but their pass defense is horrific.

12. Vikings - J.J. Watt, DE, Wisconsin. Pairing Watt with Jared Allen makes the Vikings D-Line one of the league's best. G$: I like Watt here.

13. Lions - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College. With the Lions on the verge of the playoffs, protecting quarterback Matthew Stafford is imperative. G$:  Pick a tackle.  The Lions will be protecting their glass QB.

14. Rams - Ryan Kerrigan, DE Purdue. Any improvement for the Rams on this side of the ball is a win, and St. Louis will have to look for WR help a little later in the draft.  G$:  Kerrigan would be a nice get.

15. Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB Arkansas. So who hasn’t done drugs? Whoopi! Mallet could very easily turn out to be the best qb in this years class and with Chad Henne seeming to be going the wrong way and no depth, the dolphins are willing to take the chance. G$: Tyron Smith

16. Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri. His athletic ability alone will create problems for a mediocre AFC South division, and yes that includes the Colts who are on their downward spiral.  G$:  Aldon Smith seems alright but I'd like them to draft Tyson Alualu again.  That was hilarious last year.

17. Patriots - Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson. Look, we know that he has struggled in workouts, but he was thought of as a top 3 pick for a reason. G$:  Mike Pouncey goes here

18. Chargers - Muhammad Wilkerson, DE, Temple. Wilkerson has been compared to DeMarcus Ware, and as much of a stretch as that is, he will give us the rush needed on the outside to help improve a porous D.  G$:  Time to unfuck that Larry English pick, Clayborn it is.

19. Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama. Brandon Jacobs isn't getting any younger and Ahmad Bradshaw is a free-agent.  G$: Nate Solder helps that aging O-line

20. Buccaneers - Adrian Clayborn DE, Iowa. We're looking for someone that can get inside or outside and put pressure on the likes of Ryan and Brees. G$: DaQuan Bowers caps off one of the best falls from grace in Draft history.

21. Chiefs - Mike Pouncey, C/OG Florida. Clearly a freak, Mike is the best athlete and strongest and feel he is the most prepared to step in right away. G$: Cameron Jordan in place of the booze-stealing Mike Vrabel.

22. Colts - Derek Sherrod, OT, Mississippi State. The Colts have not had a dominant left tackle since Tarik Glenn retired after the 2006 season. G$: Yeah, Sherrod seems like a good idea here.

23. Eagles - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado. Help in the secondary is a serious need. There are some character questions, but Andy Reid has shown what can be done by giving a guy a second chance (see Mike Vick). G$: Not getting Vick killed should be a priority...Gabe Carimi here.

24. Saints - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State. Is there a better fit for this guy than New Orleans, the city where his late father became a star. G$:  Yessir, another Buckeye to NoLa

25. Seahawks - Jake Locker, QB, Washington. One thing that this organization needs is a QB with a future.  Everyone has heard about the up and down offseason for locker, but no one can question the raw skills he possesses. G$: Mark Ingram addresses their ZERO running back problem

26. Ravens - Kyle Rudolph, TE Notre Dame. We can sell Todd Heap to the glue factory now. Epic win.  G$:  Mohammad Wilkerson seems like he'd fit in nicely.

27. Falcons - Nate Solder, OT Colorado. Nate is a big (6'8" 315 lbs) tackle and is very athletic and the Falcons need some help on OL to help protect Matty Ice.  G$:  Best available OL is Ijalana

28. Patriots - Gabe Carimi, OT Wisconsin. We already addressed the pass rush earlier, now it's time to protect Tom Brady. G$: Got their O-lineman, now it's Corey Luiget to help on D.

29. Bears - Marvin Austin, DT North Carolina. We needed an OL or DL replacement for Tommy Harris and since Austin is the best on the board within those two positions the Bears went with him.  G$:  I like the Austin call.  Austin 3:16!

30. Jets - Stephen Paea, DT Oregon State. Stephen Paea will come in and push for significant playing time right off the bat. He is a great run defender and a strong physical player at the point of attack.  G$: Baylor DT Phil Taylor for the win!

31. Steelers - Benjamin Ijalana OT/G Villanova. They liked Austin and Paea with this pick. With those two gone they go back to OL needs. He probably ends up as a guard long term.  G$:  Must get a CB, Aaron Williams from Texas

32. Packers - Cameron Jordan, OLB/DE California. With he and Clay Matthews coming off the edges, our already stout defense should be getting much, much better.  G$:  LB Akeem Ayers

So there we go.  I'm pumped.  In conclusion, I would just like to say again how much I hate Jon Gruden and his stupid QB school.  Am I the only to forget how horrible Gruden was with quarterbacks?  That would be like getting weight loss advice from Andy Reid.  What do you think?  Who is your team taking?  Is this the year where Mel kills McGay?  I hope so.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Royal Family Can Eat Tainted Taint

Fire in ye hole, guv-nah!
For some reason, my wife is really interested in this stupid fucking royal wedding which takes place a week from today (I think). I don't understand why. I never will. Why does ANYONE care about this? Two rich kids from a country that sucks getting married? Big fucking deal. I bet that their reception is lame as shit. They probably won't even let King Ralph play the piano! If you are reading this, chances are pretty good that you have a big ol' bag full of testicles and thus do not care about British royalty. And that is absolutely great. Good for you. But that also means that you are no help in this matter. Please, someone enlighten us in the comments about why women give a fuck about this. Hell, I'm pretty sure that my wife is going to DVR the ceremony. Weak. Yeah, enjoy that 8-10 hour drive each way for the dry wedding this weekend, NW!

But you know what, I hardly ever dedicate a day here to one of my true passions and that needs to end. Television. Today, the TV gets the recognition that it deserves. After years of wondering why the show was not in syndication, I was recently told that it was. If you get something called The Hub, then you, my friend, are blessed with nightly showings of The Wonder Years. That show might be the most underrated program of all time. I was watching it the other night and it still rules. And I really wish that they did an episode where Dan Lauria killed David Schwimmer. Schwimmer sucks. Jason Hervey rules, scrote. So there you go, The Wonder Years is back and available to the masses. But how about a few TV-related lists?

Top 5 Shows that need to come back:
-NewsRadio (the Phil Hartman years)
-Salute Your Shorts (Ug-Lee, Ug-Lee!)
-Boy Meets World (Jim Abbott episode=best 30 minutes ever)
-Tilt (what the hell is going on with the government shutting down poker sites...this is going to piss off The Matador)
-The Black Donnelly's (this short-lived show on NBC was bad-fucking-ass)
Honorable Mention - Reality Bites Back (Michael Ian Black's reality show on Comedy Central was hilarious)

Top 5 Channels that my wife watches that I want to delete off of our guide:
-Bravo
-E!
-HG-TV
-Lifetime
-Bravo again

Top 5 Best shows currently on TV:
-Justified (if you are not watching this, you are a fucking pussy)
-Archer
-Parks and Recreation
-Friday Night Lights (although I thought the first episode of the final season last week was terrible)
-The Killing (if it's on AMC, you should be watching)
Honorable Mention - Game of Thrones has some serious badass potential

Top 5 people on TV that need to be killed:
-Chelsea Handler - NOT FUNNY
-Dax Shepard (Parenthood)
-Boston Rob (Survivor)
-The McCoy Family (FNL)
-Jim and Pam (The Office)

Finally, the 5 best characters on TV:
-Boyd Crowder (Justified)
-Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)
-Tracy Jordan (30 Rock)
-Cameron (Modern Family)
-Tim Riggins (FNL)

That about covers it. I could talk about TV all day so feel free to throw your weight around in the comments. But if you watch any of that Real Housewives bullshit, spend the rest of the day trying to make a sturdy noose, find a nice wooden beam, make sure that no one can hear you scream, and then hang yourself.

In conclusion, I wish that it was possible to kill Princess Di again. Hilarious. Have a good weekend. I'm on vacation next week (am doing nothing but umpiring everyday) so expect some decent posts. There will be a mock draft day somewhere, your weekly dosage of Mr. Ace, a draft recap on Friday, and quite possibly the best post that we've had in a long time (approved by Ace!). Let's just say that Porn Day is getting a sequel. How about that for a teaser! I can't think of a better way to lead us into Easter.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Hey, Let's Check In With Danny Snyder's Team!

A few weeks ago, I had a little shit post dedicated to the people who would be most hurt by the NFL Lockout (entrepreneurs in the weight gain industries). But as we close in on the NFL Draft (one more week!), I can't help but feel like I might be the one who has lost the most since the shutdown began. Now hear me out before calling me an egomaniac. As a Redskins fan that has a very strange love affair with how stupid the franchise is, this is KILLING me. Where are the annual dumb acquisitions? The grossly overpaid contracts for veterans past their prime? The dumping of draft picks for shitty has-beens? It's gone and it sucks. The best part about being a Redskins fan is that every damn offseason, we WIN the offseason. We do this every year. And now, we can't. That blows. This winter and spring without free agency is destroying my will to live. It just means that primarily the same awful 6-10 team from last year is coming back this year and will conceivably be just as horrible. There's no hope with dope--Saved By The Bell.

You just know that this is crushing Dan Snyder and the 14 brain cells that he has left. He had a 100 million dollar contract ready to be signed for Nnamdi Asomugha. He has 8 first round draft picks with San Diego's name all over them for Vincent Jackson's services. Plaxico Burress?  You better bulee dat!  There is likely no exit strategy from the bleeding asshole contracts of Donovan and Fat Albert. But goddammit, at least they do SOMETHING. And that's what I love most about this rectal abortion of a franchise. The mantra always seems to be "win now" but they haven't won shit since 2000 and refuse to tear everything down for a proper rebuild. You would think that I hate this, but I don't. Yet I have no idea why.  It's maddening.

If I'm running the show in DC (and it couldn't get any worse), here's what I do:
*Draft Julio Jones at 10 if I can't trade back
*Spend the rest of the draft taking guys that weigh over 300 pounds
*Trade Donovan to Minnesota for a 3rd rounder and a case of Jucy Lucy's
*Trade Albert to a Siberian Gulag for a bucket of husky shit (or just try to get a 5th rounder for him)
*Let Santana Moss go
*Force fucking asshole Kyle Shanahanjob to play Cooley and Fab Five Freddy Davis at the same goddamn time
MOST IMPORTANTLY...
*Tank the entire 2011 season

I'm dead serious. Don't draft some loser like Andy Dalton in round 2 and pray that he pans out. That is worthless. Redheads can't play QB. They never have and never will (see Marinovich, Todd). Give the damn ball to EL SEX CANNON himself, Rex Grossman, for 16 weeks and see what happens. I'll tell you what will happen...the team will suck. And my hope would be that it sucks so bad that the Redskins can sell the fanbase on our new team slogan:

"Andrew Luck or Bust"

Why not? If someone came up to me and said, in 2011 your Redskins will go winless but as a reward, you will be able to have the best QB prospect in YEARS for 2012 onward. I would take that in a heartbeat. I wouldn't think twice about it. Who wouldn't?  There are probably only 8-10 franchises that would refuse that proposition.  Which is why I'm prepared to see my team be horrible this season (if it happens of course). Let's look at the schedule:

Sep 11 4:15 PM Giants @ Redskins - guaranteed loss
Sep 18 1:00 PM Cardinals @ Redskins - probable win
Sep 26 8:30 PM Redskins @ Cowboys - loss, the Redskins have lost by a combined 81 points in their last 3 MNF games...STOP PUTTING THEM IN NIGHT GAMES!!!
Oct 2 1:00 PM Redskins @ Rams - loss
BYE
Oct 16 1:00 PM Eagles @ Redskins - definite loss
Oct 23 1:00 PM Redskins @ Panthers - probable win
Oct 30 4:05 PM Redskins @ Bills - you're welcome, Canada...probable loss
Nov 6 1:00 PM 49ers @ Redskins - if they beat the Bills, this is a definite loss
Nov 13 1:00 PM Redskins @ Dolphins - loss
Nov 20 1:00 PM Cowboys @ Redskins - probable loss
Nov 27 4:05 PM Redskins @ Seahawks - loss
Dec 4 1:00 PM Redskins @ Jets - loss
Dec 11 1:00 PM Patriots @ Redskins - loss
Dec 18 1:00 PM Redskins @ Giants - loss
Dec 24 1:00 PM Vikings @ Redskins - 50/50
Jan 1 1:00 PM Redskins @ Eagles - definite loss

Best case scenario, in this humble pantysniffer's opinion, is 5-11. But I'd like to see that get down to 2-14 or maybe even 0-Andrew Luck.

So how are you guys feeling about your schedules today? Lions on a Monday Night? Browns playing the Steelers and Ravens 4 times in the last 5 weeks? The Rams getting more Monday Nighters than the SB Champs? The Steelers are fucking assholes? Share...and please, go ahead and convince me that my Luck-to-DC plan wouldn't work. In Rex Grossman I trust.  Trust him all the way to the bank.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Michigan Football is Back...to 2008

(DIE!)

Douche Lord of the Week: From our winner, "The Tribe wins again. What else is new?" Tribe fans are really feeling good about themselves, which is awesome because their tears will be that much sweeter when it comes crashing down. Congrats, Damman, to you and your "O" face. I know this means the world to you.

Spring Game Whooo!
I watched the Michigan spring game on Saturday. I didn't watch all of it because I had to turn away every time one of our QB's threw the ball. That was something awful. Nick Sheridan thought Denard sucked. Denard Robinson should never be lined up under center. There's just no reason if the shot gun is an option.

But it wasn't all bad, just like 95% bad. Mattison appears to have given the defense a pulse, which anybody not named Greg Robinson could probably do. But we were running zone blitzes and the safeties were actually making plays on the ball, something that hasn't happened in what feels like 10 years. Jake Ryan stepped up and showed that he has the ability to play sideline to sideline in pass coverage as well as run coverage. Four defensive starters didn't even play, so I guess that's another positive thing to project towards the season.

I'm not going to lose my mind over any of it though. It's the spring game. It was good just to see some football again, even if it looked like it should be played at Buckenmeyer rather than the Big House. Most of Michigan's former players have come back from their three year hiatus from the program, which is pretty fucking weak of them, but at least they are showing support.

Fat Gasol Must Die. The NBA playoffs are upon us and have given us some real excitement thus far. Everybody is obviously rooting for some upsets in the first round...i think...but what teams would you give your left nut to guarantee they don't win the title?

1. Memphis Grizzlies. This has nothing to do with my loyalty to the San Antonio Spurs. Fat Gasol must fucking die. It was the third quarter of Game 1 when I realized this. He made some fat guy move under the basket to get by Tim Duncan and then the ref rewarded him with a phantom and 1. Seriously, Duncan didn't even touch the guy. But Fat Gasol thinks he just destroyed the universe so he pounds his chest and screams like a silverback who just killed his rival and nutted in all of his lady friends. Fuck that guy.

2. LA Lakers. Kobe Bryant isn't Michael Jordan. I don't even want those conversations to happen because it's just stupid. But if Kobe gets another ring idiots will inevitably start this "debate". And can the NBA really allow Artest to win back to back championships? If they win I guarantee Kobe starts raping white girls again.

3. Chicago Bulls. Up until last year Bulls fans didn't even exist. Once Jordan left they all just became Lakers fans or started following Lebron in 8th grade. Now D-Rose has them on top of the East and all of the Chicago faithful are proud again. That's bullshit. The Bulls don't deserve a title. Did you know that Brian Scalabrine is making a cool million this year for playing one minute per game? Yeah, I can't support that. No wonder there's going to be a lockout.

4. Boston Celtics. This team is one giant sack of vagisil. Paul Pierce fakes injuries. Kevin Garnett hates cancer patients. Glen Davis cries like that fat kid who fakes an asthma attack because he can't finish his suicides. The only time I like Ray Allen is when he's playing Jesus Shuttlesworth. Shaq just needs to go away, but at least he gives sound advice about paying off his bitches, and tossing salad. The only thing that keeps this team out of the top 3 is Delonte West. I love me some Delonte West.

5. New York Knicks. I liked this team more when Isaiah was running it into the ground while making inappropriate sexual advances to any staff with tits. New York is easily the least deserving city of a title. The Yankees have bought enough for everybody.

I'd Shit Myself Too. I will never run a marathon in my life. I want that to go on my tombstone. But you have to admire the dedication it takes to compete in these races. However, you also have to question their sanity. Case in point:
Is knocking three minutes off your time really worth soiling yourself? Fuck no. And no, that's not menstrual blood. That is shat. But what would be worse, menstrual blood or diarrhea? And would you have sex with her right after she finished the race for $10,000? Let's make the comments interesting.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Timely Response to the Stow Blow

We're going to spend today talking about an event that happened almost three weeks ago.  It's because we are ahead of times here in the newsroom.  This is cutting edge shit here, people!  So by now we all have heard the story of Giants fan, Bryan Stow, getting a dime dropped on his ass in the parking lot at Dodgers Stadium.  He's been in and out of a coma.  Half of his skull is removed.  Now, his family members are doing the media bullshit.  It's sad.  And the worst part is that the Dodgers have canceled half price beer days because of it!

I mention this now because I largely ignored this story when it happened.  I really don't care if some guy gets his skull caved in.  But then I saw the Stow family interview with Shelly Smith.  Wow.  That really tugged at the ol' heart-strings.  And not just because Shelly didn't try to swallow them whole either.  I didn't cry because I'm 100% MAN, but the piece did give me a few chills.  Kind of like when I saw Ron Jeremy at the airport.

I've never felt endangered when I attend baseball games.  And I wear Yankees gear no matter who the teams are playing.  And I normally get really drunk and loud.  You know, it's probably a good thing that I've never been to Chavez Ravine because I might have something waiting for me there.  As far as I'm concerned, as long as you aren't alone (which this Stow cat was at the time), just keep talking shit.  But that is the part of the story that gets me.  Why in the Hell did this guy show up to his rival's yard wearing the enemy's jersey and then got himself separated from his buddies?  That's just stupid.  Would I ever walk around Fenway Park alone with my Shane Spencer jersey?  Of course not!  Even if it was accidental.  Then again, not even the nuttiest asshole in Red Sox Nation would fuck with a man who proudly sports #47.

How about a quick story?  I went to an Indians/Yankees games a few years back.  It was July.  It was hotter than fuck.  I was replacing the sweat loss with mass quantities of beer.  The Indians won (probably cheated) and Rune and I were on our way to a bar.  While on the concourse, some dad decided to be a big shot in front of his little son and get a zinger on a Yankees fan.  Not this Yankees fan.
Dad:  Go back to New York!
G$:  (ignores stupid smack, looks at little kid)  Your dad is gay.
The kid had no idea what this drunk fuck was talking about but the dad's look was fucking priceless.  It was part horrified and part "I can't believe that you just said that".  It was glorious.  I should also mention that no more than ten minutes later, I was throwing up into a urinal at Alice Cooper's restaurant/bar.  "Never go to a baseball game with me" is what I'm trying to say and this story has almost nothing to do with anything.  I just wanted to brag.  Back to our original programming...

I'm not saying that Stow is to blame for any of this either (unlike that HORRENDOUS article written by the Stiegerwald guy in which he states that a grown man wearing a jersey is just asking to get destroyed...seriously).  It's just ridiculous that a couple of deranged and mustachioed men would think that sending a Giants fan to intensive care would be a sound decision.  The guy's brain was damn near SPLIT IN HALF!  Talk about stomping a mudhole in your ass and walking it dry.

Wait a minute!  Wait one goddamn minute...two Dodgers fans with mustaches?  Could it be?  No...it is!  I'd like to put out an APB on the notorious Uncle T and his Mr. Slave.  They were behind this.  In fact, the trauma appears to have been caused by multiple man purse blows and mushroom stamps.  Those sonsabitches.

And then there's this:
"Bryan loves sports, he loves the Giants and the Dallas Cowboys,"
Eh, you know what, maybe this wasn't a tragedy after all.  Sending a Cowboys fan to the morgue is a step in the right direction.  Thank you, Uncle T.  In conclusion, don't blame baseball.  Guys get their asses kicked all the time.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday Boneless Wings

Only pussies spray air freshener post-dump.
I'm getting sick and tired of there being no big scandals going on recently (besides Dez Bryant running up jewelry bills all over Texas).  And thus I am forced to present another grab bag post.  Peter King would call these nuggets but nuggets are so uncivilized and may not contain 100% white meat goodness.  Boneless wings, however, are guaranteed to be great.  Just like this post's news and jokes.  Shall we?

*He's baaaaaaack - Grady Sizemore has returned to Major League Baseball after microfracture surgery and a stint in the minors.  Sure, he may have stiffed the local media while on assignment in Toledo last week but what do you expect?  The guy has a busy schedule of striking out alot and taking iphone pictures of his dick.  By the way, the Royals and Indians (at the time of this being written) are tied for first in the Central.  What a terrible division.  Both of those teams are terrible.  All five of those teams are rotten.  It would be nice if the Tribe stopped teasing fans and went back to being awful.

*The DERP Locker - I read an ass-ton of mock drafts.  I don't know why because none of these writers have any clue but I do it anyway.  I will never understand what people see in Jake Locker though or why he is projected as a first rounder.  If you can't play in the Pac-10, why do many all of a sudden think that he will now be able to shred Rex Ryan, Belichick, etc. defenses?  If the Redskins draft this loser, I will cry.

*Rock Bottom - I think that we can now officially call JaMarcus Russell the biggest bust in NFL history.  Last week, he was fired by a goddamn life coach.  How is that even possible?  The only person on the planet more worthless than life coaches is actually JaMarcus.  That "coach" was former Cavs coach, John Lucas.  Wow.  Some might think that JaMarcus is a cautionary tale for why taking a QB high is a big risk.  I disagree with that sentiment wholeheartedly.  Because at the end of the day, no matter how risky the pick, you can always say "well, he can't possibly be as bad as JaMarcus".  Which is exactly why Cam Newton is going to go #1 (speaking of which, my mock draft will be revealed next Thursday).

*This is working out well - Just two weeks into the season and Boston has benched their 9 figure man, Carl Crawford.  Hilarious.  He should just change his last name to Pavano already and get it over with.

*Hey, Drew - I was talking to this Pens fan the other night and they said that the CBJ should trade Rick Nash.  I disagree with this although he should definitely not be wearing the C.  Umberger should get that.  How can they trade him and get anything remotely comparable?  Thoughts?

*Nick Saban is an asshole - Alabama erected a 9 foot tall statue of this douche and unveiled it this weekend.  I know that they do this for every Bama coach to win a title but it's still lame.  Well, at least I know that if I ever turn into a bird, I will be pooping on this thing on a daily basis.

*Forgot this last week - How could I forget this in my Cavs season wrap-up post from last week?  Legendary radio man, Joe Tait, hung up his mic and Cosby sweaters last week and he will surely be missed.  Tait might have been the only announcer that called games by himself and he was/is freaking awesome.  You will be missed, Joe.

Umm, that about covers it.  Before we go, I would like to compliment Drew for his tardery this weekend.  Since A-Rod left Saturday's game with a stiff back, douche extraordinaire seems to think that that makes him right about the 2011 MVP being injury prone.  Eat shit.  You know nothing.  Go back to worrying about your "ace" making terrible "plays".  That was the whitetrashiest throw in the history of baseball.  You are terrible.  Just like this post.  I apologize.  It's insincere, but it's still an apology.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Drunken Memories with GMoney

In lieu of dissecting some stupid non-story, how about a good drunk story from my college days?  I know that I'd rather read someone's inebriation stories over whatever is happening now.  So let's go back to the year 2000 in my freshmen dorm.  By the way, this story has nothing to do with the time that we went on a huge beer run, stored it all in our room for a few minutes, and then open the fucking door for an RA who thusly dumped out about $100 worth of beer and wrote everyone up.  Oh, I should mention that I wasn't even in my room as I was next door slamming Miller Lites and playing Tecmo Super Bowl (no joke).  The future She$ and Rex weren't so lucky yet I escaped like some sort of drunk ninja.  They got written up at a college that they didn't even go to.  Good times.

Anyway, the hook-up on our floor was Hoser who had a good fake ID and ordered WCW pay per views in his dorm room.  We ended up becoming really good friends because of this.  It was early March probably a week before the conference tournaments began.  Hoser's brother was down visiting from Michigan State and it was determined that on that Thursday night when he arrived, we would go out to some bars with him and some of his friends.

So we have a few beers before heading out to (at the time it was called) Attractions.  I got the big old black X's on my hands since I was 19 but I didn't give a fuck.  That never stopped me before.  It's why you wear long sleeves to the bar if you want to underage drink.  Attractions was (and might still be) famous for their Mind Probes.  A Mind Probe consisted of, I think, six different shots of assorted well liquors and a little bit of Sprite.  They were lethal yet delicious.  And since it was the year 2000, you could get one for like 5 bucks.  Well, I pulled a modern miracle off that night and downed three of those things within probably three or four hours mixed with a few brew-dawgs.  Huge mistake.  As a 19 year old kid, this was by far the drunkest I had been before.

So the bar closes, Hoser's brother goes somewhere else while the two of us walk back to the dorm.  I am zigzagging through campus like crazy, nothing I say makes any sense, and it is discovered that I stole the cueball off the pool table at the bar.  Whoops.  We make it back and something most definitely does not feel right and thus I head to the bathroom.

The "Caddy".  On our floor, we had one big bathroom on our side of the building.  It could get really gross in their as you can imagine but one area was treated with utmost respect.  That would be the handicapped stall AKA The Cadillac of Shitters.  I have never respected an inanimate object more than I did that stall and I think that many of my fellow residents would agree.  It was an unwritten code of sorts...respect The Caddy.

Anyway, I stumble to the john as I feel a shit a-brewing.  I sit down and wait for the action to begin.  All of a sudden, I just start projectile vomiting ALL OVER The Caddy and myself.  And it seemed to never end.  It felt like I was throwing up for at least three hours.  The bowl, the door, the walls, the toilet paper dispenser, myself, whatever I was wearing--all dripping with stomach grease.  I walk out of The Caddy and two guys are just staring at me in awe and a "what the hell just happened in there" look.  I was told that all I said was "don't go in there".  I didn't wash my mouth or brush my teeth or clean myself up at all.  Hell, I don't even know if I actually shat!  If I did, I sure as shit didn't wipe.  I just went to bed in my puke-soaked clothes.

I got up at 2:30 the next day.  I gave myself a not-needed day off from class.  The hangover was fucking amazing.  My sheets had barf everywhere.  I smelled like death.  A few guys on my floor congratulated me on my handiwork in The Caddy.  I really wish I could have seen the look on the cleaning lady's face when she opened that door on Friday.

Somehow, everyone just laughed about it.  I was expecting to be banned from The Caddy for life.  Instead, my punishment was an impromptu load of laundry.  I'll take it.  And that is the story behind my one and only "fake shit/projectile vomit" episode.  On that note, go out and get yourself bombed this weekend.  I believe there is a little gathering at Fats in Dublin tomorrow night (it's behind the strip clubs!).  I promise that I rock a mean Bloodhound Gang on the karaoke box.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This Season Certainly Was...Something

Well, the NBA regular season is over and for the first time in a long time, I know what it feels like to be a Pistons fan. It's been a few years (and probably will be longer) since I've followed a non-playoff team. In fact, it's been awhile since I've rooted for one of the worst teams in any league. I usually only support winners!  And while you all are likely very pleased that there was not an ample supply of Cavs posts this year, I feel some sort of need to close out this "interesting" season in some way. So deal with it today. I don't ask for much.

OK, no one really knew what to expect from Cleveland this winter after this summer's horrible decision to do The Decision. Would Norf Beach still compete and squeak into the playoffs? Would they be the worst team in the league? Somewhere in the middle? Well, it ended up being more toward "abysmal". Injuries had a lot to do with that (along with lack of talent and zero depth) but I never really thought that they were going to be competing to be playoff fodder anyway. Trust me, this team would have been much better had Varejao and Jamison been healthy while Alonzo Gee, Manny Harris, and Samardo Samuels collected ass splinters. But whatever, it happens. If it's going to rain, I'd rather it pour. And pour it did. But not everything was, and is, gloomy for the franchise. They have a ton of picks in the next few drafts (and likely more coming if they sell off some expiring deals in the near future), an owner willing to spend, and some better than average building blocks. There at least appears to be some direction and that is good. Much to Iceman's dismay, JJ Hickson has shown pretty much all year that he has what it takes to be a good player in this league (14 and 9 [and getting better] ain't too shabby and the numbers were even greater in the second half of the season, bitch, and yes I would take him over ANYONE on the Pistons and yes this is a rather lengthy run-on sentence!). Anyway, I'm rambling. I decided to come up with my five favorite moments from the 2010-2011 Cavaliers season. And you know, it wasn't even that hard to come up with 5 even on an 18-63 team to be quite honest.

1. Beat the cHeat - I've celebrated championships for my teams enough before to know how that feels (great!) and while this win a few weeks ago wasn't at that level, it was pretty close. My fucking God did that feel good. The cHeat deserved that. #6 really deserved that and I think that it finally started allowing the fans to put him behind us. The best part of that game was my boy, Austin Carr, saying in the third quarter (before the Cavs blew a 22 point lead in about 30 seconds), "they need to get this lead up to FIFTY!"  For as bad as this year was, that ONE game made up for it entirely and then some.  You hear people say, "I don't care if we win one game this year as long as it's against such and such".  Well, the Cavs didn't win that many yet the season feels complete after that one game.
2. Making History - Ugh, that 26 game losing streak was even more painful when you watched them nightly. Most nights, I couldn't make it to halftime without turning it off for good. But on that Friday night against the Clips when it ended and the losing streak was finally stopped, whew, what a relief. Again, the best part of that game was AC singing "Hit The Road, Jack" at future Cav Baron Davis after he was ejected in overtime. Fuck you, Seal, because Austin Carr is THE FUCKING GREATEST OF ALL TIME!!!  CBS should get him and Gus together for the tournament.  Mind=blown.
3. Opening Night - To tip off the season, the Celtics beat the Heat (which was awesome) and then turned around the next night to play the new-look Cavs in Cleveland. And the Cavs beat them...fairly convincingly. It was weird because the fans were into it but weren't sure how the team would respond down the stretch but they kept fighting anyway. I said at the time that I was really proud of the Cavs for coming out and playing tough-ass basketball against one of the league's best teams. After such a tumultuous offseason, it was a great start to the season. My how that thought process would change...but at least we took 3 of 4 from the fag Knicks and split with the PissedOns. And since RyHo made Charlie Villanueva go fucking INSANE the other night, I consider that a win of the series (again).
4. Trading for Fat Baron and a Pick - At the time, Cleveland was blasted nationally for acquiring Fat Baron's fat contract but, you know, it ended up being a really good deal. Mo Williams appeared to be shell-shocked after his horrible playoff performances and Twitter threats of retiring. He needed a fresh start. And Baron needed to go somewhere that wasn't cursed (as much) and had an owner that wouldn't talk shit to him during the game. As the season wound down, I couldn't help but love watching Baron play. He's REALLY fun to watch. Plus, he looked he wanted to be here and he was having fun.  It makes me wonder what could have been if the Mo for Baron trade happened two years earlier. But back to the trade, obviously, the big chip is the unprotected Clippers pick this year which should land the Cavs two top ten picks as a means to rebuild quickly. As long as there aren't a ton of surprises on lottery night, the Cavs should have picks 2 and 8. With Rubio coming here next year, I don't see the Wolves taking a point. The Cavs need playmakers at the 1 and 3. I see either of these combos happening. They go Kyrie Erving/Terrence Jones or Harrison Barnes/Kemba Walker or Brandon Knight. And I would be happy with either package.  I don't see them going after a big at all.
5. The Fans - I'm not saying that Cavs fans are the best in the NBA because we'll get a good idea about that next year, but I will say that they deserve consideration for MVP this season. They averaged over 20K nightly at The Q for an 18 win team. They were THIRD in attendance. Now, I know what you're saying, the tickets were paid for but that doesn't mean they were used. Fair enough, but the local TV ratings had the Cavs as the 8th highest rated broadcasts in the league. So while everyone might not be heading downtown, they ARE watching. Well done, fellow fans, you were awesome this year. And hopefully you will be rewarded for your suffering sooner rather than later.

You might ask, "what about the dominating win over the Lakers in February?" to which I will say "fuck that noise". During the streak, I had grown accustomed to betting against the Cavs. The payouts weren't great, but it was REALLY easy money and after the Super Bowl (where I lost coin), I needed something to build my bankroll back up. So on that night, I decided to go all-in on the Lakers just to win the game, not even cover. Yet somehow, the Cavs crushed them that night and I went bust. Goddamn Cavs. Fuck you, Kobe.

Anyway, I'm pretty excited for the future and that begins in a few weeks with the draft lottery. Come on, Kyrie Erving! I really, REALLY want to sing Mr. Mister's "Kyrie" on Draft night. And put me down for a Lakers over Bulls Finals.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Sometimes They Come Back...

(Bust out the blue pill, Grump)

Douche Lord of the Week: Commenter Daniel is the winner-loser. After G Money discovered his involvement in the Buckeye Blowjob ring it's time he took his place atop Fuckeye Terrorist. Also, Daniel sent me this text Monday night, "Go leash up a cat...homo." True douche lord material.

Jokes on you, fucker. It's 1:00 AM Tuesday morning and I hear what appears to be meowing coming in through my window. I don't work Tuesdays so I had a few drinks and a cigar Monday night...so I thought maybe my mind was just fucking with me. But I jump up out of bed and pull back the blinds, and sweet baby Xenu it's my fucking cat and I'm not hallucinating. No joke, my exact words to Mrs. Ace were "Holy shit, that's fucking Boots." I go open the door and she comes running in like nothing has happened, just being loud and demanding to be petted.

She has clearly lost some weight, but looks healthy. I'm guessing having all her claws paid off at some point in the last 10 days. I bet that really fucked with the animal world. I bet all the bad ass cats that hung out by the dumpster thought they were going to have their way with Boots and her pink polka dotted collar. But no fucking sir, she's still got her razors. I bet birds just pick on cats that look they are lost in the wild, kind of like how black kids pick on white people when they are lost in the hood. But with those claws Boots is like one of those crazy white people wearing camo gear and a bucket cap-- not to be fucked with. I imagine her encounter with birds went something like this: Did you see that cat fucking elevate? And levitate? Suck on that Criss Angel.

But most importantly Mrs. Ace doesn't have to wander around like a crazy lady just discharged from the asylum, walking up to strangers crying and asking if they have seen her cat. Seriously, Mrs. Ace has shed at least two years of tears in the last ten days. The fucking animal shelter people know her by name and actually started putting up posters for her! That woman is dedicated. That makes me feel better knowing that if I should ever get deliriously drunk and vanish--wouldn't be the first time, she will look for me for at least two weeks.

I'm actually indifferent about the whole thing. Yes, the cat came home and my wife is thrilled. But my cat just walked back in with no consequences. That's not how the world works. She didn't get hit by a car, get her ass kicked, get knocked up via gang-rape or whatever usually happens to teenage girls when they run away for 10 days. Maybe get the clap or the early indications of meth mouth. Nope. Just come home and act like you weren't responsible for the past ten days of hell. I'm going to remember this and take it out on my kids.

Steel City. Just when Big Ben's fake religious views were making me feel all warm and tingly in my man region about the city of Pittsburgh, this happens:
I don't care how many Yuengling's you've pounded, you have to be one bad mother fucker to get tased and clubbed in the face and just stand there and take it like a champ. Kurt Angle is a fucking beast! USA! USA! USA!

See you next Tuesdays...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

In Steve Nash's Shoes: An Open Forum

Jerry Stackhouse + briefcase full of drugs = PARTY!
Last week, Drew dropped a bombshell in the comments that Steve Nash's wife gave birth to Jason Richardson's kid without the two time MVP knowing about it. Imagine the look on his Canadian face when he saw a black kid emerge from that uterus! It had to be priceless. So when you think about it, Nash filing for divorce a day after the birth of not his baby isn't that harsh. Then Drew mentioned that this would sort of be a good topic for this crappy site. And he was right. Today, I came up with my list of the top ten sports-related figures that you would never want your spouse to be cheating on you with. As a disclaimer, this isn't just my personal list and She$ has nothing to do with it. She knows damn well that she's allowed to mingle with Derek Jeter and Joe Gibbs. This goes for everyone. All of us.  These ten people you never ever want near your wife/girlfriend/fiance/mom/sister.  Feel free to chime in when necessary.

10. Dusty "Dut" Baker - He's an idiot and just imagine how many toothpicks he'd leave in your sheets. You would most definitely waking up screaming some night after one of those little bastards makes its way into your dickhole.  And just like the injuries that derailed Mark Prior's career, you would only have Dut to blame.
9. The Undertaker - Would there be anything more terrifying than the thought of someone close to you yelling, "RAM IT HARDER, DEAD MAN!" I think not. And it would never end either. No, not because The Undertaker is otherworldly and subhuman (which he clearly is), but because Paul Bearer would be sitting in the corner of the room making weird faces and holding up the urn. Obviously, the urn holds the power of his erection. I shudder at the thought.
8. Terry Bradshaw - I was debating between him and Richard Petty as this lists dipshit hayseed. Bradshaw is more annoying and he would probably leave his stupid hair on your pillow.  Plus, seeing Petty's head peak up beneath the sheets with his huge hat and sunglasses still on would be tremendous.
7. John Daly - You know Daly has been a-fornicatin' if you can smell Busch Reg, Hooters wings, and regret.  That's JD's version of the Bermuda Triangle.
6. Greg Oden - You've seen the hog. You don't want to know that your loved ones can handle that. Good God, do you not want to know that.
5. Al Davis - Why not #1, you ask? Well, he is heinous to look at and nuttier than squirrel turds. But I've been reading that his health is declining which means that there is some serious "Anna Nicole Smith" potential there. If you are the sole benefactor in Al's will, is it really that bad?  For one night of gut-wrenching slamming, you could kill him AND become the owner of the Raiders!
4. Dennis Rodman - It's like playing Russian Roulette with your genitals. He has everything. Hall of Fame-level Hep C. If you knew someone who was laid by The Worm, you're almost obligated to kill her, right?
3. Jim Nantz - Imagine this scene...
G$: Hey baby, I'm home-------GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Nantz: Hello, friend. You'll have to forgive me, but there is only room for one in Butt-ler Cabin.
Ha! I can barely picture Nantz getting laid anyway so imagine my surprise when he's pawing at the missus. No thank you.  That would most definitely not be "a win for the family".
2. Pacman Jones - What kind of a woman would sleep with Pacman anyway? You know that it would be rough. You know that it would be degrading and 1000% humiliating. You know that he would bring his friends. If you know a girl who knows Adam Jones, cut off all communication now. You don't want to know her anymore.
1. Ric Flair - Now, most of these we can laugh at. But I can't laugh at this. This one seriously terrifies me. The dirtiest player in the game is literally the dirtiest old man that I can think of. He's still making sex jokes in his late 60's. His body is REPULSIVE. He'll probably cut himself during sex. He's broke as shit but that wouldn't stop him from producing a mountain of cocaine. He probably has a vast array of sex moves involving the Figure Four. Naitch likely isn't afraid to lay down some knife edge chops. The wooing. Oh God, the wooing.  Go ahead, picture Ric Flair fucking.  I dare you.

I am dead serious here on my #1. I can't think of one sports figure that I would want around She$ less than The Nature Boy. I just shivered. Anyway, that was fun. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And just go ahead and include everyone in the site banner, too, you don't want to know those people anyway.  Especially those Simpson and Benoit boys. WOOOOOOO!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quitters, Fornicators, and Other Stuff From The Weekend

Robin Williams stole this guy's Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1997.
Not really anything happened this weekend that warrants its own post so you get a collage of different shit today.  I know, I know, you were all hoping that I did another Masters Final Round live journal, but I did not.  One, because I didn't care about who was in the final five groups.  Two, that shit takes forever to write.  And three, I didn't see Tiger making a charge and I'll be damned if I ever chronicle another Fill Michaelson win.  And honestly, who gives a fuck about some queer named Charl?  But before we get to golf, a few other topics:

*Manny is a piece of shit - If he was hoping that his retirement annoucement would spark a glowing retrospective of his career, he was dead wrong.  The dude has ZERO chance of getting into The Hall.  Why?  Because he failed steroid tests TWICE.  How dumb do you have to be?  So now I have to think that he used them his ENTIRE career.  He almost had to, right?  I mean, the league institutes a steroid policy, he knows about it, fails anyway, come back, sucks, takes more drugs, and then fails it again.  What a bukakketard.  It is pretty funny that instead of serving his hundred game suspension, he's just "going to take his old man to Spain".  Moral of the story:  The Boston Red Sox two best players from their World Series teams are cheats and those titles should be stripped.  1918, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.  Manny will not be missed...well except by those who enjoy leftfielders cutting off the centerfielder's throws.

*Break up the Tribe! - Don't be foolish.  This won't last.  But Indians fans have to be pleased with their 7-2 start.  Now let's see if they can get more than 9K through the gates again this season.  And beating up on Boston and Seattle, the two worst teams in the league, isn't that impressive anyway.

*Mike Pouncey is fucking nuts - The Gator center said that he expects Dallas to draft him in three weeks.  That would mean that he would go 9th.  I don't know about you, but I remember this fuck tanking at least 800 shotgun snaps this past season.  He may be a great blocker and line-caller, but if you can't even snap the goddamn ball, what good are you?  So yes, I would like Dallas to draft this chode.

*Pistons are sold, still dumb - Some billionaire bought the Pistons.  Don't worry though, because apparently Joe Dumars will still be with the team in his current role.  Whew, I was worried that the Pistons might not be in the lottery for the rest of the decade and now I know that they will.  Dumars should just change his name to "Black Millen".

*Seriously, hide yo kids, hide yo wife - Art Schlichter has been granted bail!

*Congrats, kid - Miami's Andy Miele won the Hobey Baker award on Saturday which is the hockey Heisman for those that don't know.  Well deserved but it's a damn shame that I have to root against him now that he is with the 'Yotes.

*Charl-broiled the field - Worst Masters winner?  Worst Masters winner.  Out of ALL of the guys near the top on Sunday evening, I didn't want this guy to win the most.  He is terrible.  Don't give me the world ranking shit.  No one wants to watch this fuck.  Louis Oosthuizen has more charisma and cache than this poopbreather.  A South African?  Get fucked.  What a turd.  He ain't no fucking BERNHARD LANGER, motherfucker!  My boy Tiger and his putter just couldn't keep it going and that was a damn shame because he was surprisingly decent off the tee.  I will never understand why he pulls out his driver.  Just use your three wood!  It's what I do and look at MY successes on the course, goddammit!  I didn't expect to see McIlroy gag on as huge a nuts as he did either.  He should change his last name to McMickelson with that round.  That guy is a tool anyway.  "RORS" on the back of your hat?  Really?  And I HATE it when golfers where their sunglasses backwards and upside down on their head.  TAKE THEM OFF.  It was nice to see Adam Scott not do his usual sucking.  Belly putters are for homos though.  Jason Day is plugging a girl from Ohio and she appeared to be insanely hot.  Nice work, Aussie.  I hate Jim Nantz.  Verne Lundquist should be the A announcer.  He wouldn't hump Butler Cabin as often as Nantz does.  Mickelson is still a buttfucking cheese taint.  Charl Swartzel has a green jacket...thanks for wasting my time.

Ummmm, that about covers it for me today.  Charl.  What kind of a fucking name is that?  Africa sucks. Kill Mandela!!! Bring back Apartheid!!!  I will freely admit to not really knowing exactly what apartheid is/was although I do know that it was bad so if you want to educate me in the comments, I'll allow it.  For now, I'll just assume it's Ernie Els raping Gary Player.  Oh and watch The Killing on AMC, best new show on TV.  It's no Justified, but it still rules.