Monday, February 28, 2011

G$'s Sports Bucket List

What do you mean that I can't shove a cigar up your ass?
Since we're all still waiting for something interesting to happen in the sports world, I am forced to write another list post.  2 years ago, I wrote this about the events that I have attended in my life.  For some strange reason, I failed to accomplish the easy follow-up post of what I want to see before I die next week.  But on Friday, when the Grumpster admitted to sexually assaulting some old broad from MASH at a horse race back in the 1840's, the lightbulb in my head went off.  I was able to come up with 12 events that I want to witness before I go.  There are two rules I went with:

1. Pick one event per sport.  Saying "every Yankees home game ever" does not count.
2. I avoided ALL football games.  I just enjoy football much more from the confines of my own chair and TV.  Ready?  OK!  In no particular order:

*North Carolina @ Duke - This needs no explanation really.  It's the best rivalry in college sports and Cameron is the best arena in hoops.  Plus, they let you rape black whores there!
*Gold Medal Ice Hockey Game - I would rather see this than a Stanley Cup game honestly.  I really really enjoy Olympic hockey.
*NFL Draft - Sure, it would mean that I would have to give up Melvin Kiper, but just once I would love to be in NYC booing whoever the Jets pick in person.
*A Big Boxing Match - I picked this over an MMA event because I find MMA to be white trash and ghey.  Boxing needs to make a comeback.  Pacquiao and Mayweather need to get their shit together to make boxing relevant again.  If not, I'm sure that Stallone has another Rocky script ready to roll.
*AVP Tournament - Chicks only.  I'm a sucker for volleyball players with sandy asses.  I don't know how long these things last, but I guarantee that I would have a boner the entire time.
*Kentucky Derby - Self-explanatory.
*Wrestlemania - I went to the 2002 King of the Ring PPV in the 'bus which featured Undertaker vs. HHH, Kurt Angle vs. Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair vs. Eddie Guerrero (in which Chris Benoit interfered!), and Brock Lesnar won the crown.  Yet it was kind of boring surprisingly.  The Super Bowl of Wrestling hardly ever disappoints.
*A Game at Dodger Stadium - I've been to most of the baseball stadiums that I've ever wanted to go to and this place always seemed like a cool park.  Bonus points if they play the Giants so I can see who would win a blood war between Mexicans and Homos.
*Daytona 500 - Ah yes, the Wrestlemania of Racin' (which has a much better ring to it than the Super Bowl of Racin').  One of these years, I'm going to attend a race just to see what all the fuss is about.  It always seemed dirty and boring to me but that's probably why I need to experience it myself.  If anyone wants to give me a free ticket, I'm listening.
*World Series of Poker (final table) - Watching people play cards is boring as shit but it has different meaning if they are playing for 7-10 million dollars.  Plus, I'd be in Las Vegas and that would be better than Ohio.
*The British Open - Most people would pick The Masters but not me.  Augusta seems snooty to me.  I'm not saying that the British aren't, but the birthplace of golf is more appealing in my opinion.  More bonus points if the tourney is at St. Andrews.
*The AVN Awards - Oh come on, who wouldn't want to go to this?  Don't you want to be in the room when the award for Best Anal Scene is given out?  Eventhough you know that Sasha Grey is winning that, you want to believe that Teagen Presley can pull the upset literally out of her ass.

I think that that about covers it.  I didn't pick tennis because I don't want to watch that.  And to remind you again since most of you have likely already forgotten, I prefer my football watching from the homestead.  Thoughts?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Run-Ins With Celebrities: An Open Forum

It only took him one season to be the best Brown in franchise history.
When I was a senior in college, I was out at the only sort of club-ish type place in Oxford.  Of course, by "club" I mean that slutty freshmen chicks were there and the DJ rotated between rap and hair metal.  It was interesting.  My roommate and I were standing up by the bar surveying the land when we saw (at the time) current starting Redhawk RB Steven Ramon Little.

Being drunk as shit, we immediately go over and talk to him (had never spoken to him before although I did have a few classes with him).  He apparently (and awesomely) recognized me and must have been drunk, too, because he was extremely friendly and said hilarious black guy stuff.  The roommate and I pretty much just tell him how great he is and kiss his ass for a few minutes before he turns around and introduces us to the dude that he was with.

Now I know what you're thinking:  4 guy black/white/black/white drunk orgy.  Good guess but not even remotely correct.  The big black guy joins our conversation and Little tells us what we had discussed earlier:

Yup.  That dude was Travis Prentice.

Both of us shake his hand and once it's confirmed who he is, we're pretty much acting like it's Showtime at The Apollo.  Little stepped away so the two of us converged on the football great and the conversation went something like this:

Roommate:  ajkeshgioavn YOU SO SICK!
TP: Thanks.
G$:  (squeezing his wad of muscle that connects the shoulder to the neck...seriously) 8igoanvdjksbhiouabef You are my favorite player ever AIEHFNVAKIV CA!
TP: I appreciate that.
G$: iourhganvciaunf What the fuck did the Browns cut you for?  Those fags are so gay. I can't wait for you to fuck them hard aiehtgauinvddsc
TP: I don't know.

Then I think that the roommate and I high-fived over this great meeting, turned back to Prentice, and he was gone.  It was awesome at the time, but I pretty much embarrassed the shit out of myself.  Would I do it again?  Every single time. There is never a bad time to talk to Travis Prentice AKA the greatest college football player of all time.

What was the point of this story?  Well, in case you hadn't noticed, except for NBA trades, this has been a shitty week for news.  So what I'm asking for today is for you to contribute embarrassing stories from when you met anyone remotely famous.  I think that Damman has a similar drunk story with himself and former Buckeye baller Matt Sylvester that I hope he can share.  Whatever, I'm done.  What time is it?  TRAVIS TIME!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Winter Sports Extravaganza

"Worst HJ ever"--Shook's Son
No time for bullshit lead-in paragraphs today.  We need to get to the headlines because the quicker that I talk about the NBA, the quicker you will be done reading about it.  Make sense?

*Carmelo Anthony is taking his talents to Manhattan
-I'm definitely happy that this saga is finally over but let's take a closer look at this.  Say what you will about the Heat (and I've said plenty), but those assholes knew what they were doing.  They knew that all three of them couldn't make max money for the logistics to work so they took less (albeit still a fortune) and are now able to play tummy-sticks for the next however many years.  Now let's look at how Amare and Melo did it.  Amare took the money and ran this summer.  I think it was 5 years for 100 million or something.  Carmelo made it a point to demand the 3 yr/65 mill extension before a trade could happen.  So instead of taking less money to ensure that either Chris Paul or D-Will would follow them to NY in a few years, they took the greedy and stupid way out by commanding over 40 million dollars of the Knicks' cap room (which is definitely going to go down this summer) for the next three years.  The players were so selfish and the Knicks were so desperate that they just priced themselves out of a top flight point guard.  This just goes to show that even with great talent, the Knicks are still a dumpster fire and athletes are still fucking morons.  Why wasn't anyone around to say to the two superstars, "Hey guys, I know that you want to get paid, but if you each take ten million less over the course of your contract, you can play with CP3 in a year."  NAAAAAAH!  PAY ME, BITCH!
-Why did no one tell these two about the MASSIVE STATE TAXES IN NEW YORK!!!  It boggles the mind why anyone would want to play there when they could play in the taxbreak haven of El Paso or Sarasota!
-These rumors that Isiah Thomas still has a lot of pull with the Knicks are more than just bizarre.  He was awful in every facet, got sued, and coaches Florida International right now.  Yet some people think that he made this deal happen.  How is this possible?  Is he fucking Charles Dolan?  Was this part of the condition for him not to kill himself and then blame it on his daughter?

*Deron Williams is taking his talents to Siberia
-Is New Jersey an upgrade over Utah?  I don't know.  I actually like this deal for the Nets more than I like the Melo deal for the Knicks.  D-Will is arguably the best PG playing and it only cost them a worse PG, an unknown rookie, and a couple of picks.  I believe that this still leaves them money to go out and get a stud soon to pair with Deron and Lopez.  You could do a lot worse than that for a foundation.
-But that is all for nothing if he doesn't sign an extension with the Nets.  I like the risk by the Communist, but that is a really big fucking risk that could blow up in his face like whoa.
-Ian Thomsen nailed it like usual, this current bullshit trend of superstars not wanting to work hard for a ring and colluding with their buddies to make it easier is definitely going to lead to a lockout.  Good.  These fuckfaces are ruining the competitiveness of the league and it needs to stop now (despite what fagboy Cowherd would lead you to believe).  It's why we should all be rooting for a Spurs/Bulls Finals since they built their teams the right way.  Fuck it, we should root for an Anyone but the Lakers/Anyone but the Heat Finals.

*Ohio State Fans are taking their whining to the internet
-The Buckeyes killed Illinois the other night by 19 points but you wouldn't think so if you signed on to my Facebook account after the game.  Take Damman for example.  He put down his box of tissues to unleash this tard thought:
I love how the Big 10 refs continually let Sullinger get beat to hell under the hoop and never call anything.
WAAAAAAAH!!!  We just killed a team but it doesn't matter because our superstar post player didn't get to the free throw line at all!!!  How dare uber-strongman Mike Tisdale karate chop him in the throat for 40 minutes!!!  This is worse than 9/11!!!
-When was the last time that you said "that was a well officiated ball game".  Maybe once a year?  College refs are usually "terrible" in the minds of the fan anyway and it's just something that we all deal with.  But wouldn't you rather have a game where the refs swallow their whistles over a game that has 70 free throws?  I know that I would.  Sullinger is a big boy, he can handle his own shit in the paint.  Keep in mind that if they aren't calling fouls in his favor then they probably aren't calling fouls against him either.  Rational thought is my expertise.
-Complaining about the refs after a 19 point win...this is why everyone hates Buckeye fans.

*The CBJ are taking their talents all the way to the Stanley Cup(?)
-Holy shit, the Jackets are on goddamn fi-ah!  Since I can't stomach watching the Cavs anymore, I'm glad that I have a hockey team to live and die with now.  And since Nash and the boys are fighting like all hell to get into the playoffs and thus making every game a must win, this is some pretty fun and entertaining shit.  The Jackets are on a roll and look to be buyers at the deadline although I don't know who they can get that can get them over the hump.  Huselias, Klesla, and Filatov are all probably available since the young guns have been outstanding recently.  Clitsome and Calvert have been amazing.
-All I know is this is a really fun team that plays hard every night.  Thoughts, Drew?  I've said it before and I will continue to shout it out loud, if the Jackets were in the Eastern Conference where they belong, they would be a shoe-in for the Cup playoffs as opposed to grinding it out with a million other teams for 3-4 spots like they currently are.  Stupid fucking Bettman.

There.  Was that so painful?  I'm sorry but the NBA really is the only entity producing stories in the sporting news cycle right now.  That's why I had to insult Ohio State fans.  Just to make sure that you were still paying attention.  And because it's warranted.  It's always warranted.  Warrant is best known for "Cherry Pie" but everybody knows that "The Down Boys" was the superior song.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Hump Day Dump: It's Trivia Time

(Yeah...I'll take Watson)

Douche Lord of The Week: This mans love for Big Ben's grey dick has finally caught up with him. This is my greatest creation yet.

As you may know, several of The Money Shot Maniacs have decided to participate in a weekly trivia battle at Grandview Cafe every Thursday night. Last week, with the addition of G$ and a couple other non-Maniacs, we made big strides and put ourselves in position to finish in the top 5 before the final question was given, with a chance to win. We missed the final question, but the potential was there.

However, we need some help to get over the edge. We need a player with real academic knowledge, especially in the areas of geography, science, and history. G$ has all the worthless knowledge about Clara Barton, Cape Fear, and Bette Midler. Dut has...false information about the Tigers. I have porn, sports, music, and some of the generally worthless knowledge G$ has. Jeff has...Clemson?

So guess what, it's quiz time. This is a tryout for The Money Shot trivia team(real named to be picked in the comments). So here is how this is going to go. I'm going to give you five questions on a variety of subjects. Leave your answers in the comments. AND DON'T FUCKING CHEAT! This is an attempt to test some real knowledge not your Google search skills. If you feel like being strategic and not giving your answers until close to the deadline(2:00 PM), then so be it. The winner gets an official invite to the trivia team and I'll buy them a beer during trivia night.
1. Name the 5 college basketball programs with the most NCAA tournament appearances(Each correct is one point.)
2. Who was the Mongolian empires leader from 1206-1227, when he dies after defeating the Tangut peoplek? (Bonus point if you know the birth name of this person too.)
3. In what ocean will you find Phuket Island?
4. Who wrote the famous poem, "Ode to the West Wind"? Hint: His wife wrote Frankenstein.
5. In college football, who holds the record for most NCAA rushes without losing a fumble? Bonus point if you come within 25 of actual number of rushes.

I actually knew 4 out of 5 in #1, knew #2, no idea on #3, knew #4 because my British Lit professor in college was awesome, and didn't know #5. I will post the answers around 2:00 PM.

In other trivia news, we need a team name. The first week we were the Douche Lords and last week we were the Fucktards. Now lets try to pick us a good one for this week:
  • Fly in a Bowl of Milk: This is T's pick.(T was the black guy on our team and one of only two black people in the entire establishment). His reason is pretty obvious.
  • People That Annoy You...Oh, Naggers. I think this is my pick. Another take on T's but with a little more jazz. I'm not sure he would appreciate this.
  • Tampon Dick Shit. One way or another I will work in a South Park reference.
  • R.I.P. Chris Benoit. The reaction would be outstanding.
  • Cromartie's 10th kid. Obvious.
  • Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. I miss you Dave.
  • Team G.R.I.D. It's trivia and an AIDS joke all in one.
What do you think? I think that's a solid collection, but recommendations are always welcome. And don't forget to get your trivia answers in by 2:00PM

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Back To Sports...What'd We Miss?

The Crock was bakin'.  BROTHA WAS BAKIN'!
Well, it's been awhile, but I think that it's finally time to get back to talking about athletic competition.  Or as I like to call it, "sports".  We took a nice post-Super Bowl breather but it's time to put our jocks back on and be men again.  So what did we miss?  Not a whole hell of a lot, but there were some stories that I'd like to offer up at least some sort of opinion on.  I may even make a dead guy joke or two!  Just like the old days!
*If you want me to watch pro wrestling again, this was a damn good start. The Rock came back to the WWE last Monday night and blew the roof of the place just like he used to.  I caught most of it live and then watched it again online the next day.  It is still tremendous.  My favorite part was when he called John Cena a fag.  John Cena is a total fag.  The Tooth Fairy would kill The Marine ten times out of ten.  Horrible movies aside, The Rock is still the shit.

*That guy that you never heard of didn't break the record in a sport that you don't follow.  Florida Something University 2B Garrett Wittels failed at his bid to pass Rockin' Robin Ventura's college hitting streak record this week.  It's probably for the best since I think that Wittels is still facing rape charges in the Bahamas.  At least when Ventura embarrassed himself and ruined his reputation, he did it between the lines, dammit!  Yeah, good luck with that international rape case there, slugger.

*The scariest thing on the planet may just be the brain of a retired NFL player.  Dave Duerson of Tecmo Bowl/Bears fame killed himself recently.  He donated his brain to some scientists and their study.  I've read a little bit into this and it sounds terrifying regarding what they find in these things once they are donated.  I'd bet that if Trent Green did this, it would just be a black blob of wet toilet paper.  And this just goes to show that some people are willing to sacrifice everything (including their future mental health) to play football...yet Albert Haynesworth refuses to play in a 3-4 defense, punches motorists, and then squeezes the titty of an unsuspecting waitress all within a few months.  USA!  USA!

*Will the Knicks just complete this fucking trade already?  Is anyone not sick of this Carmelo bullshit?  In fact, this is all that I'm going to say about it.  Stop wasting everybody's time.  Knicks, Nets, Nuggets, who gives a shit?  It's not like he's going to win a title anyway.  And those teams are still going to be non-contenders even with his no-defense-playing ass.

*The Iron Bowl just got Mother Motherfuckin' Nature involved.  Awesome.  Alabama-tard hates Auburn so much that he went all chemistry and biological terrorist on their asses.  Killing trees because you hate your rival = outstanding.  This guy alone just made the Iron Bowl my favorite rivalry in college football.  Amani Toomer wasn't good enough to have a corner named after him either!

*Where "scoring 8 points on the losing team gets you an MVP award" happens.  At least it does for that Bieber kid.  I tried to watch at least a little bit of the celebrity game on Friday night (I'm a sucker for celebrities playing sports poorly) but I couldn't make it past the Michael Rappaport/Jon Barry training montage which was even worse than you could possibly imagine.  Blake Griffin won the dunk contest eventhough McGee and Ibaka should have been in the finals instead of him.  Since the ASG weekend is totally played out, I impose some new contests for the all-stars:  Name that Kool-Aid flavor, Who will bang the fattest groupie (if the Star Jones rumors are true then put your money on Dwyane Wade), Who has the most traces of drugs in their urine (trick question as it's Chris Andersen), and, of course, a Spelling Bee.  I did not watch one second of the All Star game out of spite because Ryan Hollins got HOSED!!!

*Since when was it wrong to spit on grass?  Tiger got fined for spitting on the green in Dubai and the announcers went crazy on him because it could effect the players behind him.  WTF?  Spit?  Really?  That shit dries in like 20 seconds unless it is especially snotty.  Golf etiquette people are fags.  Shut up, fags.

*It was nice to see Rainier Wolfcastle win the Super Bowl of Racin'.  Oh, it wasn't McBain?  It was some goober named Trevor Bayne, eh.  Whatever, I watched the end and no one died.  What a tribute to his daddy it would have been for Dale to kill himself exactly ten years later.  I was disappointed.  Where was Hornish?  Did they kick him out already for being too bad? 

It's good to be talking sports again.  Did you hear the breaking news?  Carmelo Anthony would like to be traded.  And the people of Denver now hate him which is hilarious!  ZOMG!!!!!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

The 2011 Commenter Draft

Man, I miss the NFL already. And regardless of how the stupid ass labor situation shakes out, we still have to wait forever for football to come back. That sucks. Hell, even the Draft is still two months away. But what if I could come up with a way to bring the draft to you right now? Would you be interested in that? Of course you would. Everyone loves a good draft. The unpredictability, the stupidity, Mel Kiper's pubic wig...so let's get the first, and probably only, Money Shot Commenter Draft going.

The rules are simple. Two amazing franchises: The Aceholes and The GMonstrual Cramps will choose teams of 5 Money Shot commenters apiece. For what? Nothing. Why? Because I said so. What is the point of these teams? There is none. There is no basis or criteria for what makes someone a great draft pick. Maybe we'll line our teams up and fight to the death eventually. I do not know this. But what I do know is that it's time to pick teams and Mr. Ace has been granted the first pick. And the 10th pick of this draft will not be known as Mr. Irrelevant but will forever be known as Mr. Anusbreath.

Let's get this draft started. In lieu of Roger Goodell's ginger ass being the MC of this event, let's get...hmmmmmmmm...Charlie Sheen to be the announcer. He doesn't seem to be doing anything recently. The Aceholes are on the clock...

1. This is a ton of pressure. The first pick of the first ever Money Shot commenter draft. I think I might have a panic attack. What would Matt Millen do? What would Matt Millen do? What would Matt Millen do?
Phew, alright I'm back. With the number one pick in the MSC draft I select...The Iceman!
-Fuck! That's exactly what Matt Millen would do. Oh well, I guess I'm stuck with him. But being the optimist I am, I can see several reasons Iceman will live up to the number one hype. First, he is the most polarizing commenter here; he loves himself, everybody else hates him. Second, every post on his blog is a mail-in. I don't tolerate anything less than underachieving on my team. Third, he is one of the few other Michigan Men around these parts and I can't possibly allow him to become a GMonstrual Cramp. And finally, every Summer back in Naptown I walk by his mother's store front late at night and jerk it to high school girls senior pictures...that's not fake snow on the glass.

Hmmmm, The Iceman was a bold pick. I was hoping that he would slide into the 2nd or 3rd round. But I have no doubt who will be the first Cramp...

2. The GMonstrual Cramps select...DREW!
-I've worked alongside this guy before and I know that he is not a hardworker so that is HUGE for this team. Sure, he may love Ohio State, the Pistons, the Red Wings, the Tigers, and Phil Mickelson, but he also loves Jim Schwartz so that balances things out. Plus, we are only scratching the surface when it comes to what this man has been through. I have sent out some feelers recently for guest posts and Drew has some doozies. I'm talking bad acid trips, arson, AND attempted rape by a black guy (possibly). Yes, this guy will fit in just right on my squad. I'll just need to get some flame-retardent iron underwear.

3. The Aceholes select...DUT!
-I picked Dut at #3 for several reasons. First, if I didn't pick him here then he would have never gotten picked just like in gym class. Even some kid named Guy Peters(real name) would get his name called before him in kickball. Second, the ladies in his family are smoking hot. Ever since the day Dut locked me in his laundry room and I rolled around in his mother's panties like they were a bed of $100 bills, my obsession with the ladies of his family has only grown. And if I were ever to go gay, Uncle T would be right at the top of my list too (editor-HA, what a fag!).

4. The GMonstrual Cramps select...Li'l STRUT!
-When it comes to assembling a great team, you need someone willing to defend his teammates in court.  Who better than this assfuck?  We've all seen how well-researched his comments are and it allows us to have a judge in our back pocket.  HUGE.  We can get away with murder now.  MURDER, I tells ya!  But this does not mean that I want his entire family.  Busty mom (and dad)?  OK, but if he tries to bring Strut to any of our "games", he's cut.  His ability to work a field goal net did not go unnoticed by me and my tremendous boot.
5. The Aceholes select...NATE B!
-I picked Nate B for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Nate B. I picked Nate B because I feel that I owe him something. In fact, I'm sure a lot of us owe him something. We owe him something because of the outrageous number of times we have jerked it while facebook stalking his mother and sisters. Dut does it daily. They are responsible for hundreds of "strangers" and replaced keyboards.
6. The GMonstrual Cramps select...E'TWAUN MOORE...GRUMPY!
-Experience counts when it comes to success on the blog commenting circuit.  And who better than a guy that watched Jesus Christ pop out of Mary's snizz?  I think that Grump is a guy who will be willing to do the dirty work for this squad.  Set screens, block downfield, bunt, take a bullet for me; he's the ultimate role player.  A glue guy.  And I think that if one of your players dies, you automatically get the #1 pick next year.  Always gotta be looking ahead.

7. The Aceholes select...LANGE!
-He pretty much never comments unless it is to talk about how far down he can go on Joey Votto's dong or talk about Soulja Roy (ed.-or to be a dick about #6 which is why he didn't even appear on my big board). But he's on my team because of this (look to the left). He needs this team.

8. The GMonstrual Cramps select...SEAL!
-I think that both of us overlooked Seal's skills.  And that is a damn shame because he should have been a first rounder.  But when you think about it, character issues could have been his downfall.  I mean, anyone who roots for UK basketball has to have zero morals, right?  Seal is one of the biggest dickheads that I've ever met and that most definitely is a compliment.  That is exactly the kind of guy that I want on my team.  G$, Drew, AND Seal?  Who is going to out-burn this team...in the comment section and at the urinals.  Impossible.  Welcome aboard, you scumbag motherfucker.

9. The Aceholes select...DANIEL!
-I want Daniel because if you give him a bottle of liquor, he will run through a wall of minorities. He hates every single minority Fuckeye to ever play football, or live. He also took the most colossal dump ever...into a bucket and then threw it on commenter Nate B's porch (ed-had I known this, he would have been a second rounder). He's not afraid to do the dirty work.

10. The GMonstrual Cramps select the real Mr. Anusbreath himself...SHOOK'S SON!
-Since Dut was already drafted, did you really see anyone else being Mr. Anusbreath?  This just goes to show that the Cramps are not homophobic.  We needed a good cheerleader even if most of the cheers led by SS will be about black dicks.  Surely we will lead the league in butt-slaps.  And imagine how sweet our uniforms will be?  I bet that SS makes sure that all of our threads match the color of eyes.  And our locker room is having a glory hole installed as you read this.
If you weren't drafted, fear not.  Go back to college for one more year and maybe next year, your luck on Draft Day will change.  I feel bad for some of the quality commenters like NW, MUDawg, Damman, Hoffman, Irishman, UU, Jeff, -Rex, etc. but when it comes down to it, you either weren't gay enough or didn't have hot enough family members to make a roster this year.  To review the teams:
Mr. Ace - The Iceman, Dut, Nate B, Lange, and Daniel
G$ - Drew, Lil' Strut, Grumpy, Seal, and Shook's Son

My team is better.  Much better.  Who wants to fight/play hoops/comment/play grab ass?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Ted Williams Asks "What Did The 5 Fingers Say To The Face"

To finish off "No Sports Week" here, I'm going to unleash a nice little tale that some of you may know but most others do not.  This is to be used for inspirational purposes.  Last week in the comments, Li'l Strut said that commenters should send me their nutty and crazy stories and I could start posting them.  That, in fact, is a fantastic idea.  I've already sent out feelers to a handful of you and am patiently waiting on your submissions.  "Crazy Post Week" sounds like a great plan and could do wonders for me since I am 100% certain that I've got some hopefully minor dental shit coming up in the near future.  So to wrap up the week, this is the sort of stuff that I'm hoping for (from you of course)...

The date was September 15, 2007.  G$ was living in Hilliard at the time and was returning from a day trip of watching my RedHawks get slaughtered at home by UC (completely irrelevant to the story).  I knew that our house would be entertaining people when I got there because Ohio State was playing at Warrrrrrrshington at 3:30 that afternoon.  Ohio State kicked the shit out of them as was expected and the guests at our house were ready to extend the drunken debauchery to campus.  One of these ardent supporters of the scarlet and gray will be referred to as "Poopson" for privacy's sake eventhough most people know who this "gentleman" is.

The game ended around 6:30 or 7 and since I was sober, I volunteered to drive up to campus.  I should have known that we were in for trouble when Poopson started spitting his game at our ridiculously pug fugly neighbors.  They were hideous she-beasts.  But he was macking on them hard in his normal drunk and obnoxious style.  They were not impressed.  So I get him in the car and we make it to the Stube.  Since the game was on the road, campus wasn't very busy meaning that the bar wasn't full at all.  There were three decent-looking girls sitting at the bar when we got there.  It took Poopson about 3 minutes to hone in on them.

He's working it hard and while this is going on, a dirty homeless man saunters in to drink a pitcher of swill at the end of the bar about ten to fifteen away from the shitty attempt at a foursome.  Apparently, he is watching this feeble attempt to get laid.  The girls pretty much just laugh Poopson away so he fires back the only way that he knows how...he called them all cunts at the decibel level of a plane engine.  That went over about as well as AIDS at a nursery school.  The girls get all up in his face and scream at him that he's an asshole which is hard to argue.  Someone in our group gets him outside to calm him down which pretty much meant that he kept calling them cunts but in a normal tone.  Eventually, Poopson heads back inside to sit at the bar and drink some more, far away from "The 3 Cunts".

The homeless guy finishes his pitcher and readies himself to get back on the streets for some hardcore panhandling.  He walks by Poopson and SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE while mumbling about respecting women.  No one has any idea what is going on.  Did that raving derelict really just take a swipe at this other raving derelict?  He did!  Outstanding!  Not-Ted-Williams Ted Williams leaves but Poopson follows him into the parking lot where shit got realz really fast. 

Poopson is screaming at him to come back over and fight but the hobo does nothing.  So Poopson does what all normal people with unappealing bodies do...he takes his shirt off and then, for reasons unknown, his sandals off, too.  He stands there screaming at a vagrant in a broken glass-filled parking lot with no shoes or shirt on.

In the middle of this brouhaha, Reba decides that it would be funny to de-pants Poopson during his profanity-laced tirade.  I remember agreeing wholeheartedly that this would be a good decision.  So he went for it and yanked down.  But he got a little more than he wanted.  He pulled boxers, too.  Poopson was completely naked.

The best part, you ask?  HE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!  It took him 4-5 seconds to figure out that he was screaming at a beggar while his nuts were fully on display to the world.  I should let the uninformed know that Poopson is not an attractive man in the slightest.  His most appealling feature is probably his...ummmm...hmmmm...ability to play a decent air guitar to Guns and Roses songs?  Things calmed down after Poopson re-sheathed his sword and he had no idea that he was de-pantsed.  He just thought that they fell down on their own.  And I still don't think that he knows the real story (until now).

The night ended with Poopson passing out in a booth inside the bar and "The 3 Cunts" all taking pictures with him while he was blacked out.  I have to admit, the poses were pretty funny.  I ended up taking him home that night (no homo) so he could sleep it off on our couch.  Yep, he fell asleep with a bag of BBQ chips on his gut. 

So let this be a lesson to all of you out there.  Homeless men demand you to be chivalrous but will back down if you expose yourself to them.  There.  "No Sports Week" is officially over.  We made it.  Let's all get Miggy Cabrera-drunk now.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sandwiches: An Open Forum

As we continue "No Sports Week" here at TMS, I want to get back into the kitchen and talk about a huge passion of mine...sandwiches.  GOTDAMN, sandwiches are great.  While some of you may not have like Friends, I did, and the best episode of that show was when they played that game for the apartment and David Schwimmer's annoying ass hosted.  He asked the girls, "What is Joey's favorite food?"  And "sandwiches" was the correct answer.  You know what, using that train of thought, I'd bet that most of us would use the same vague answer, too.  It is an all-encompassing food that never fails to satisfy.  It is breakfast, lunch, dinner, 4th meal, snack...the sandwich is EVERYTHING.  So let's talk about sandwiches today.  The list will include my favorites, what not to do, and ranking the chains (not to be confused with the classic Dokken hit, Breaking The Chains).

My list of favorite sandwiches:
1. The Reuben - I have never had a bad reuben.  Corned beef and sauerkraut make an amazing combo.  But don't fall into the trap of thinking that a Turkey Reuben is good because turkey + cole slaw does not equal deliciousness.
2. The Cheesesteak - I have been to Philly.  I thought that Pat's was amazing.  I have no reason to go anywhere else upon future visits.  Who would have thought that Cheese Wiz could be so incredible?
3. The Cuban - Not really a sandwich that shows up on menus of chain places, but a quality eat wherever you can find it.  It should always be 2/3 pork and 1/3 ham though.
4. The Hogan's Hero - A Naptown original.  Ham, pepperoni, cappicola and you better get the works on that bitch.  I had one a few weeks ago and it gave me wood.
5. The Chicken Salad/Hot Shredded Chicken - I won't eat tuna or egg or ham salad (all disgusting), but chicken salad is delightful.  And there is no better late night drunk food than the hot chicken sandwiches produced in the kitchen of Naptown Wolverine's mother.
Honorable Mention - Sloppy Joe, Roast Beef, Pastrami, Club

How you ruin a sandwich:
*putting ketchup on it - we argue this all the time regarding ketchup on a hotdog but I can't think of one sandwich that would require this horrible substance
*over-condimenting - the meat should be the star of every sandwich, dammit, don't bog down your creation with too much Grey Poupon
*hard bread - I say this as someone who is currently in dire need of having his wisdom teeth yanked (coming soon!), nothing sucks more than blowing out your jaw trying to swallow dense bread...I'm looking at you, Panera
*too many vegetables - again, the meat is the star, not the two pounds of lettuce that Subway puts on
*cheap cheese - Kraft Singles are for grilled cheese only, homo, if you're going to put cheese on it then don't half-ass it
*cutting off the crust - When the fuck did this bullshit start anyway?  Any kid that can't eat crust should be killed.  I lost total respect for Bill in Kill Bill when he was cutting the crust off of his sandwich.  I thought that he was supposed to be some badass yet he can't handle his crust?  It's no wonder that he died from auto-erotic asphyxiation in some shithole Asian country.
*white trash meat - Bologna.  Never eat bologna.  Until I'm told what that shit is, I will never touch it.  Here's another one...ham.  Ham is white trash.  Not like a honey baked ham that you have on the holidays though.  I'm talking about deli ham.  That shit is nasty.  Ham should never be the #1 meat in a good sandwich.  It is at it's best as the Scottie Pippen of your sandwich.

Where you find the best sandwiches via chain restaurants (yes, I realize that some random place in New York has the best meat ever but I've never been there so it doesn't count):
7. Subway - I hate Subway.  I have said this many times.  Consider it's #7 ranking as what it truly is...dead last.
6. Panera Bread - I don't get the love for this place.  The soups are pretty good but it loses tons of points for making crappy sandwiches with their rock hard bread (see above). 
5. WG Grinders - Eh, it's OK, I guess but it's a knock-off of about five better deli-style places.  She$ once left her purse at a Grinders and made me drive 20 miles back in the wrong decision to get it.  I blame Grinders for that.
4. Jimmy John's - Ah yes, the home of "free smells".  The Turkey Tom was a $4 delight when I was in college.  It helps that they make them fast as fuck, too.
3. Penn Station - Quality, quality cheesesteaks.  I like to order them no shrooms but double banana peppers.  It's because I'm awesome.  It is unfortunate that their fries are garbage though.
2. Quizno's - Love it.  Absolutely love this place.  The Chicken Carbonara is a culinary masterpiece.  They have good shit like brisket and prime rib subs on occasion, too, which is always nice.
1. Jersey Mike's - The best subs around.  Period.  This will not be argued against.  Shut up.

I would like to also throw an honorable mention to the places like Panini's (and Primanti Bros in Shitsburgh) that stuff fries into their sandwiches.  Truly a fatasses wet dream there.  Along that train of thought BW3's (I refuse to call it Buffalo Wild Wings) Steak and Potato Flip is absolutely outstanding.  I ordered it a few weeks back but they ran out of steak.  I wonder if they ever found that waitress's body?

And of course, I could not end this post without an inclusion of the greatest sandwich shop on planet Earth...
BAGEL AND DELI on High St. in lovely Oxford, OH.  Best place ever.  I shit you not.  This place makes the best fucking sandwiches you will EVER eat.  Well, that might not be true, but I can assure you that they are the tits.  So...let's talk sandwiches today, eh?  I've got dibs on the pastrami.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Remember When You Didn’t Have to Care?

(Dream Job?)

Douche Lord of the Week: The inaugural Douche Lord is here. He attacked the banner and now the banner strikes back. And, Yes America, that is what a pedophile looks like. Congrats to South Park Saddam on making the banner.

I was going to talk some Big Ten Hoops, specifically how Michigan was well on their way to winning the National Title, but an entire week without sports sounds--peaceful. So here I sit, wondering what the fuck we are going to talk about today…and now I’ve got it.

On Super Bowl Sunday Mrs. Ace and I made our way over to Romeo’s to get ourselves a pie for lunch. The pizza wasn’t nearly as great as I was hoping it would be, but that’s not the point. Over on Broad St. there was some poor schmuck standing outside in a dog costume, holding a sign advertising for some apartment complex next door. It was cold, it was windy, and it was intermittently raining. Mrs. Ace looks over to me and says, “That would be the worst job ever.” I respond, “I know, right. OMG.” But that got me thinking.

I recently watched one of the best documentaries ever, “The Parking Lot Movie.” Look it up, watch it. Anyways, it’s basically about a group of parking attendants by UVA who both love and hate their job, but enjoy being a total dick to ass holes who drive SUV’s. I went into that movie thinking that job would suck balls, but came out wanting to drop out of grad school and head down to campus to become a parking warrior. These attendants don’t have to give a fuck about their job. They probably make just over minimum wage, sit in a shack alone for hours on end, and deal with fucktards all day.

But they do give a fuck. They give an enormous fuck. They chase down cars that don’t pay and kick off their side mirrors. They tell crazy ladies they are crazy and then remind them to take their medication. Being a dick is part of their job description.

I remember having jobs like that and I want them back. Now. Growing up working in the greatest Ace hardware store ever, I could be a dick because my name was on the fucking building. But I never took it there. Why the fuck not?

There is one moment that sticks in my head that I wish I could do all over again. This couple comes in and needs some 2” PVC pipe cut to 4’. No problem, I pull out my handy dandy tape measure and mark the pipe at 4’. I go to grab the cutters and then it happens, “Haven’t you ever heard of measure twice, cut once?” says some fucking whore who should have gotten that pipe shoved down her throat. Now, what I did was pretty fucking G of me for being a 14 year old. I got up, and held out the tape measure to her implying re-measure it yourself, cunt. She just turned away and I went on my way cutting this pipe.

What I should have done was grab that whore by the hair, took her outside to the front of the store, and pointed up to the sign: Link

Me: Tell what that fucking says.
Woman: _____ Ace Hardware. (No government names allowed)
Me: What the fuck is my name?
Woman: I don't know.
Me: Exactly. You don't know who the fuck you're talking to. That's my name on that fucking sign. Don't tell me my business.
And then I would pistol whip her like the scene from Goodfellas.

Just think if you could go back to when you were working some menial job in high school or college. Throughout college I used to paint for a friend of mine's dad. Just some shitty job where I would work long hours in the blistering sun or dirty apartment for little pay. But on certain days I would make the most of it. On these certain days I would be hammered on tall boys and be almost completely worthless.

There was one day when I was painting a small cottage right on the Maumee river and it was 90 degrees out. I was working with my bosses nephew, but he was more worthless than I was. We started the day off, at 8:00 AM, with 4 tall boys each. We make those last til noon and decide we need to reload; go get four more each. Those only last two hours. Time to go get four more. At this point we are toast. I'm taking paint rollers and dunking them in the paint and then wizzing them around like I'm Randy fucking Johnson. Every time we get hit we go jump in the river to wash the paint off. Our boss rolls through at 5 PM and sees we haven't done shit, we are covered in expensive house paint, and can barely stand...but it's Saturday so he doesn't really care, and offers us another beer.

I want that fucking life back. You want that fucking life back. I want to be one of those guys in a stupid ass costume holding a stupid ass sign and waving for people to come on in. Because I could do whatever I wanted. Give me a megaphone and I guarantee I could start a riot. It would be like Fight Club when the guys are given the homework of starting a fight with a stranger. Every person that walked by would get verbally accosted and I would be fired within a week, but who gives a shit?

The real world sucks.

I know the Money Shot Maniacs have some grand stories from shitty jobs past. Share them.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

More Like "DoucheLord.0"

You, sir, are no Ron Swanson.
When Tosh.0 debuted two years ago, it was something that most of us had seen before but not done as well as Daniel Tosh did it.  Yes, there have been shows about the dumbest-ass internet videos already, but Comedy Central hit a home run with this version of crappy shows past.  The 20 seconds of jokes, the breakdowns, the web redemptions, the listing of canceled Comedy Central shows, the prank of the week...they all melded together for a tight 22 minutes of comedy on Wednesday nights that left all viewers content when the credits rolled.
Season 2 was much of the same.  I mean, there was no reason to fuck with a good thing.  Tosh.0 became one of the highest rated Comedy Central shows of all time.  The jokes got a little more tasteless and racist but that's fine.  You have to push things a little further if you want to stay fresh.  They ended season 2 with the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers...would they get Antoine Dodson on for the season 3 premiere.  And sonofabitch, they came through.

That segment was fucking brilliant, too.  Tosh and Antoine together rapin' errrrrrbody out he-uh.  Outstanding.  But ironically, I think that this was Tosh.0's "jump the shark" moment.  Because the show has not only been bad ever since, but it has been TERRIBLE.  Once they got Antoine, there was nowhere else to go but down.  Have you SEEN the redemption people recently?  Awful.  And it doesn't help that Tosh makes the redemptions more about his jokes than the retardery of the internet idiots.  I admit, the "wrestling is real to me dammit" guy tonight has me intrigued, but I will proceed with caution.

Wait a minute, I just realized that only Grumpy probably gets what jumping the shark actually means since he was in his late 50's when Happy Days was on the air.  Let me explain it another way then.  You know how idiots tell you that The Office is a good show?  Well, it isn't.  It's MAYBE the 4th best Thursday night show on the world's worst network .  So what happened?  Michael Scott has always been a buffoon.  Dwight has always been a beet farmer/serial killer.  Creed has always been awesome.  So how did the show turn to shit exactly?  They decided to marry Jim and Pam and thus make two of the five main actors on the show meaningless and shitty and completely objectionable.  It was never cute.  Their marriage RUINED the show.  In general, weddings ruin every TV show.  If you ever find yourself writing a show, never have anyone get married.  Period.  And The Office will never recover from that.

Same thing happened with Tosh.  Something just isn't right anymore and the show feels...off.  I can't quite put my finger on why or how I came to this conclusion, but here I am anyway.  Once Antoine gay-ed the show up, the ceiling was finally reached.  The racist jokes aren't as funny.  The 20 second spot produces no laughs.  They seem to have run out of funny/stupid web content.  He laughs at his jokes at a clip that would make Jimmy Fallon blush.  He comes off more as a douche than anything now.  In short, IT IS OVER.

Yeah, that's right.  I'm on the "Tosh.0 Sucks" bandwagon now.  Hop aboard.  Search your feelings and you will know that what I say is true.  This show is slipping and you all know it.  This Douche Lord will probably squeeze out a couple more seasons and showcase his stupid fashion trends, and hell, I'll probably still watch.  Just know that in three years, some other asshole will show up on Comedy Central and say this:

"We'll be right back with more Tosh.0". 

Can we go the whole week without really talking about sports?  Perhaps.  Ron Swanson yesterday, Tosh today...let's see how the rest of the week goes.  I AM VERSATILE, DAMN YOU.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Lessons In Fandom Provided By Ron Swanson

"I was born ready.  I'm Ron Fucking Swanson."
Two years ago, Buke, Swiney, and myself sat down and watched the pilot episode of Parks and Recreation.  It was not funny.  In fact, we all agreed that the show was horrible and a complete (and less funny if you can believe that) knock-off of The Office.  I gave up on it after it's first 30 minutes.  But you know, I kept hearing from everyone that it got better and had morphed into a quality and hilarious sitcom.  So I recently started renting the season DVD's from Blockbuster.  I'm 7 episodes into season 2 and I can firmly admit that I was wrong.  100% wrong.  Parks and Rec is outstanding.  Why?

Ron Swanson.  He has already been nominated for 2011 Money Shot Man of the Year.  Will he win?  I don't know but his Pyramid of Greatness is pretty hard to ignore.  And this got me thinking, I think that we as sports fans are way too reactionary these days.  Everything we see is immediately the greatest play ever or the worst coaching decision of all time (nothing will ever top Jim Zorn's MNF fake field goal).  So take it from me and Ron Swanson and just relax.  Take things in stride.  Don't go crazy because it makes you look stupid.  Here are some examples of what I'm talking about from this weekend alone:

*Ohio State's loss at Wisconsin is meaningless.  It really is. Basketball teams aren't supposed to go undefeated.  They are supposed to lose.  And they did.  The Badgers had an all-timer of a second half hot streak and knocked future Cavalier Jared Sullinger from the ranks of the unbeaten.  Big deal.  Does this change the fact that the Buckeyes are really good?  Absolutely not.  They are still possibly going to be the #1 overall seed.  It's still going to take a herculean effort to get them out of the tournament.  Personally, I wasn't fist-pumping the loss on Saturday at all because it didn't matter.  Now if or when they lose in March, THAT is when you can celebrate.  For now, relax and understand that the 1 in the L column carries no significant baggage to their season.  But I wonder what you think about the Badger fans storming the floor?  I think that it's OK since the opponent was 24-0.  I LOVED that Wisconsin showed the football highlights before the game.  Suck on that, fags!

*The Cavs victory on Friday night was great but still very "meh".  I got sucked in.  I admit it.  They needed that.  Us Cavs fans needed that.  The fans at The Q were shockingly awesome.  BUT...they still have 9 wins and 45 losses so it really doesn't matter.  Yes, they aren't completely atrocious when Mo Williams is playing but they are still bad.  So while it's nice to win one of their last 27 games, it still doesn't discount that they were winless for 55 long fucking days.  Just get Jared Sullinger in June and I will be happy.  I don't want any of the other guys out there.  Harrison Barnes?  Those two kids named Jones?  Kyrie Erving?  No thanks.  I'll take my nightly double-double thankyouverymuch.

*Let's calm down on the Aaron Rodgers BJ's.  Yes, he was great this postseason.  I think that we can all agree with this.  But he isn't an all-timer yet.  Six games does not make a career.  It seems like everyone wants to crown him and put him into Tom Brady's level at the moment.  Sit back and just let him keep playing before doing this.  That's all I'm saying and I love the guy.  Let's see how he follows up his Super Bowl season before we start making his Canton bust.

*Why not wait for a lockout to happen before we start hiding in bombshelters.  I am of the mind that the players and owners will figure something out and not fuck this up.  I am staying positive here.  So to all of those people so damn certain that we aren't going to have football next September, how about just waiting to see what transpires before preparing for the worst.

I think that my point here is that we just need to calm down.  If you are a realist and give things a chance to work themselves out, you become a much better and relaxed fan of sports (and TV shows).  Seinfeld's first season was horrendous but that worked out OK for them.  Tom Brady worked out OK as a 6th round pick.  And Ron Swanson's mustache and demeanor gets better every week.  Although Aziz Ansari is about as funny as SIDS. 

This is G$ and I am going to hop off my high horse and stop telling you how to behave now.  Oh, and Happy Greg "The Hammer" Valentine's Day!  I got She$ two wicker clothes hampers and she cleaned my car.  We are hopelessly in love.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The 2012 Home Of Albert Pujols Is...

That's some saavy equipment managermanship!
I sure as hell don't know.  But I find this little battle between the Cardinals and the best player in baseball to be riveting.  Look, I know that baseball isn't the sexiest topic here (unless Griffey Jr video games are involved) but it's always interesting when the best player in a certain sport that isn't soccer could be changing homes while still in his prime.  So let's look at this.

Albert's best days are probably behind him.  Don't get me wrong, he is still going to mash for years to come.  But I don't think that he's going to be better in the future than he has been in the past.  Fair?  I think so.  He probably wants to beat A-Rod's 10yr/275mill abortion, I would guess.  Or at least equal it.  But he won't have the Yankees and Red Sox to use as leverage.  The problem with that is that St. Louis doesn't have that kind of bank and they never have.  This is why I thought the Matt Holliday re-signing was a horrible decision.  First of all, he's not even close to being worth 100 million.  Secondly, now you pretty much have to commit 40-45 million for 2 position players for the next 7 years.  And unless you are the Yankees or Red Sox, you can't do that.  They should have let Holliday walk and saved every penny for Pujols.  And now they're sort of fucked.

But I get their side, too.  Who wants to pay a guy in his late 30's 25 million dollars?  It's not like they can hide him at DH once he becomes a lardo.  And where is their revenue stream coming from to help offset this?  They sell out every game anyway so it's not like more fans are going to come.  I can't imagine that their TV deal is worth much since Missouri is a shithole (which has gotten less shitty since -Rex moved back to Ohio).  Then again, I think that I would rather pay him more per season but for less years.  I wonder if he would take 6yr/180mill?  He gets to be the highest paid player in the game but doesn't get to own the most ridiculous contract in sports history.  I don't know.  I can see the points of either side.

Why would you let the best player in the game walk?  But why would you ever give out a terrible contract when you can't really afford it?  Why are you signing Holliday to a crazy deal yet draw the line in the sand for Albert fucking Pujols?  But how much does 200 million make sense for a guy who is only going to get worse?  Tough calls.  You know damn well that those idiots from the northside of Chicago will be there next winter with a blank check (oh, I forgot to mention that this deal isn't happening before Spring Training so he's going to hit the open market).  They seem like the type of franchise to sign the best player in baseball for 100 years and then watch him be a shell of himself immediately (like Soriano).

But here is my pick for the 2012 home of Albert Pujols...Texas.  The Rangers apparently had "Cliff Lee money" available this offseason.  They just signed Josh Hamilton to a deal WAY below market value.  They can allow Albert to DH later on in his career.  That park is a fucking launching pad.  Albeit with a different owner, the Rangers have never been afraid to throw around huge money.  I can see Nolan Ryan going to Pujols and saying 10yr/300mill.  And how do you turn that down.  My other spots for Pujols in order: 2. St. Louis, 3. San Francisco, 4. Chicago Cubs, and 5. Washington.  Although I think he'd be stupid to sign a really long term deal with an NL team.  What about you?  Where do you see Albert next year?

How could I end this post without the biggest reason for why Pujols is going to take his talents to Arlington (for the same reasons that Tate Forcier took his talents to Souf Beach)...NO STATE TAX!!!  Go to hell, Colin.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Post In Which I Rank Sports Video Games

I've been banking a lot of post ideas in the hopper recently (I don't even know if that line made sense).  Yet somehow, The Iceman found my list of future posts yesterday and beat me to it.  So we're just going to ride the momentum waves that he started and build this idea into a 64-bit tsunami destined to destroy the village that Piston Honda is from. 

Yes, I've decided to rank my ten favorite sports-based video games of all time.  I should preface this by admitting that I am not a "gamer".  I did not grow up with a Nintendo or a Sega or anything.  My first system purchase was a PS2 and that didn't happen until I was 22.  But I think that I know a thing or two about this.  I might not have quite as long of a history as some of you guys do, but I do have a badass blog which makes me overqualified.  So drop your controller, quit blowing into your game cartridge, and let's take a go-kart down memory lane.

10a. Blades of Steel - I have no idea what the announcer was saying during this game.  It always sounded like "BITE THE PADS" to me AKA what Sid Crosby does in the shower after every game.
10b. Madden pick-a-year - Obviously
10c. EA Sports College Football pick-a-year - Obviously again but those games are so popular and have made so much money that I say fuck 'em today.
10d. NHL '96 - Drew is going to hate this, but I was always the Avs when I played.  Why?  Because they were really good and I liked Claude Lemieux.  He was a real instigator.

9. Bill Walsh College Football - The father of college football games although I have no idea why Walsh was used as the name for it.  This was the first game to have an extended playbook and introduced me to the "Bone Dog" defense.  Due to (I assume) trademarking issues with the NCAA, all the schools were called "Ann Arbor" and "Provo" and "Columbus" which I thought was funny.  I really hated Palo Alto.

8. NBA Jam - How badass was this game?  2-on-2 basketball has never been more awesome.  But I always found basketball games more challenging to play as I would always hit shoot when I wanted to pass and then take a 3/4 court shot.  Infuriating.  But if I had the "on fire" ball working...money.

7. Mortal Kombat - If ripping out another person's spine isn't a sport, then I don't know what is.  This (and Street Fighter) was one of the few fighting games that I actually liked.  Subzero was my boy.

6. Baseball Stars - Totally underrated because it was the first video game that let you be the GM and build your own team.  And that is why it is better than RBI Baseball (also because it didn't waste your time trying to figure out how to pronounce Steve Lombardozzi).  Well, that and the fact that the Lovely Ladies were all whores.

5. Tiger Woods Golf - Just a beautiful game.  I actually BEAT the entire game when I was living by myself in Cleveland.  I had no friends.  I think that I read somewhere that Augusta finally gave them the OK to put that course on this year.  That would be awesome.  I think that if you beat Tiger, you are allowed to sodomize Rachel Uchitel...but I could be wrong.

4. Tecmo Super Bowl - Considering how great Tecmo Bowl was, it was going to take a massive effort to outshine that game.  And the Super version did.  People will talk about how great the Bills and the 49ers are but the real champions know that QB Eagles, Christian Okoye, and the Houston Oilers passing game were all unstoppable.  And 8 plays are better than 4.

3. Mike Tyson's Punchout - I have nothing bad to say about this game.  While I think that Doc lacked critical boxing knowledge that a trainer should possess, at the end of the day, he always offered sage advice in the corner.  I don't think that I've ever hated a video game character more than I hated The Sandman.  That black asshole was a black asshole.

2. Mario Kart (N64 version) - It's a racing game so it counts.  And my college roommates and I used to get drunk and play it constantly.  So much fucking fun.  We even made a drinking game out of it where you had to drink if you slipped on a banana, hit a fake box, or got nailed by a red shell.  It was awesome.  Wario is the greatest.  If you ever raced as Luigi or Toad, you are gay.  I stand by this.

1. Golden Tee - The King.  You can usually only play it in a bar.  It's great drunk.  It's great sober.  It's challenging.  The graphics are outstanding.  It's the only time that I don't mind Jim Nantz.  It is the best.  I am the best player to ever play it (suck it, Reba and Mizzle).  My "black Viking wearing jeans" will never be defeated.  And while some will argue that you should putt with one hand, I strenuously disagree.  Two thumbs, baby.  No "retard thumb" for this guy.

There you go.  Like I said, I'm not an expert but I think that I know enough.  Iceman reminded me of Baseball Simulator 1000 which featured the Bomb Pitch and the Stop Ball.  I wish that those things were real.  What do you think?  Did I win the Rainbow Cup or am I looking at a TKO From Tokyo?

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Hump Day Dump: Juan Is The Lonliest Number

(Soo...my guys are supposed to tackle the QB now?)

So the Eagles decided to part ways with Sean McDermott, I'm fine with that. Reid said that Jim Johnson's shadow was just too big for McDermott and I'm fine with that explanation....he's obviously no Jim Johnson. So when you dump a guy because he can't live up to what Jim Johnson left behind, you imagine a standout replacement who can stand on his own. Maybe Mike Singletary, maybe Jim Mora Jr., maybe go after a blitz happy college guy like Manny Diaz, hell, could have even got Jim Washburn to come on as DC instead of D line coach.

But no, that would be too simple. And Andy Reid doesn't do simple. Who else could possibly be more deserving of being an NFL DC than a guy who hasn't coached defense since 1989? The correct answer is anybody. Andy Reid's answer was JUAN CASTILLO, FUCKOS! My answer would have been:
  1. Brian Dawkins. I don't even care if he still plays in the NFL. He can call the plays from Denver, he is just that fucking spectacular.
  2. Teneal Goyco. First, he's a cruiserweight boxer. Second, he's a Philly native. But most importantly, he impersonated Tiger Woods while banging Devon James. He can run a dominant defense.
  3. Silvester Stallone. Rocky FTW!
But yeah, Juan Castillo is the DC in Philly. It doesn't make any sense, and it probably won't. But I do have some inside information on the matter.

Last year I did some work scoring assessment tests. You may remember this fantastic essay;
"I'm going to tell you about how I lost my virginity in middle school. I knew this girl named Pamela and I knew she wanted me. We were walking home from school one day and she took me into this abandoned house and I fucked her from behind. When we got in the house, she took off my pants and started sucking my dick. I took her pants off and she told to eat her puss. I said, "Naw, I'm straight." I told her to keep on sucking. After that she started riding my dick real hard. So I pulled out and nutted all over that bitches face. I'm king ding-a-ling. That's all I've got to say. Fuck it, two tears in a bucket."
So during the time I was scoring masterpieces like the one you just read, I had a horrible supervisor. She was extremely cuntish. She thought she was better than everyone. She had no clue how to communicate with people. She clearly hated being in Columbus...she was from San Antonio. She hated me because I didn't listen to her because I knew she couldn't fire me and needed me to complete the project.

But one day that all changed. I went in on a Saturday morning to pick up some OT, and to show just how much I cared I decided to wear my Brian Dawkins Eagles jersey. You know, class it up a bit. She sees my choice of apparel and motions me back to her desk. I was totally ready to be a dick and get fired.
Cuntish Woman: You're an Eagles fan?
Me: Yes.
CW: My brother-in-law works for the Eagles.
Me: That's cool.
CW: Yeah, he is a coach. Juan Castillo. Do you know who that is?

Do you see what is happening? That bitch had such a hatred for my shitty work ethic that she poisoned Jim Johnson, got Sean McDermott fired, and then blew Andy Reid to get Juan Castillo hired as Defensive Coordinator. I know she is back in San Antonio thinking fuck that guy and his Brian Dawkins jersey! Well done, Andy.

Douche Lord of the Week. I have an idea, possibly the most incredible idea ever. If you take a look at the site banner--THE GREAT SITE BANNER--you will notice the center piece, Fuckeye Terrorist. He's the most horrible person in the world, and likely the antichrist. There are times when I envision our commentariate members in the same way. And today, I need some synthesis. Every week I will pick the person who kills the most brain cells in the comments...or whoever the fuck I want. That person's face will become the face of the Fuckeye Terrorist and we can all laugh. If I can't find a picture of you, I will pick one that I think resembles your lack of intelligence the best and tell everyone it is your actual picture. This way there is consequence and justice among the commentariate. We are all winners in this.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Defeating the 2010 NFL Season In A Buried Alive Match

What a stupid stipulation.
OK, this is it.  This will be the final post about the now completed NFL season.  It was a great one as you will see.  There seemed to be an endless supply of topics surfacing almost daily as you will see.  The NFL continues to be a lightning rod for horrible behavior and shoddy decision-making as you will see, too.  Basically, we all love it and it's time to wrap up this fine season as we head into an offseason of stupid labor arguments and Roger Goodell lies.  I was able to come up with 12 huge stories from the season that made it awesome and/or hilarious.  Allow me to put the final nail into the coffin of the NFL with a list of what made 2010 so memorable...
12. Jim Schwartz FTW - I look forward to many more years of his lapsed sanity.

11. Randy Moss sucks thrice - He's a first ballot hall of famer who got traded twice during the season.  And he was awful everywhere.  At least he has his NASCAR Truck Series team to fall back on.

10. The NFC West weighed 8 Courics - For as bad as they were this year, I see a bright future.  Good coaches now who will be solving that pesky "no franchise quarterback" problem that has plagued the division. 

9. The triumphant return of the badass white running back - Peyton Hillis and Danny Woodhead breaking down racial barriers.  Jackie Robinson was not a hero like these two are!

8. The Redskins' flawless handling of Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth - I've said enough about this team.  Just get rid of these two (and about 40 others) and start building the team the right way.  I would rather have modern furniture playing DT for my team than Haynesworth (plug necessary for commenter Andrew's sake).

7. Jay Cutler's Knee/Vagina - No one likes Jay Cutler.  Any time that you can call him a little bitch is fun. 

6. Rex Ryan's lust for metatarsals and pretty much everything the Jets did this year - God bless the Jets.  Love them or hate them, they have about a million interesting side stories on that roster.

5. The glorious demise of Brett Lorenzo - You suck, Favre.  Terrible play and cellphone cock shots that didn't get him laid by a huge whore...way to go out on top!

4. Big Ben tries to rebuild his image - He's never going to be liked so the only thing that he can do is win.  He's never going to be respected as a person so he should focus on earning respect as a football player.  He did both pretty well this season.

3. The Super Bowl continues to go through Oxford, OH - The last three Super Bowl champions have all had connections with Miami University (Ben, coaches Sean Payton-Aaron Kromer-Dan Dalrymple, and Tom Crabtree).  I expect the trend to continue because that is where champions are groomed.  I'm calling it now for everyone to see:  next year we see John Harbaugh and Jacob Bell duel for Lombardi.  That's right, I'm picking a RAVENS/RAMS SUPER BOWL!!!

2. Aaron Rodgers joins the club - It's been a pretty storybook ending ever since the Lions scrambled his head in week 15.  I'm sure that now that he's won one, everyone will turn on him now but I respect a man who carries around a title belt.  I even liked Sheed when he did it.

1. Michael Vick begins the redemption process by entertaining everyone - NO ONE saw that coming.  Much like Ben, white people are never going to like Vick as a person.  But goddamn, I will watch him every fucking week until he loses his wheels.  He is just so much fun to watch and I'm glad he's back.  I will never ever forget that MNF game in Washington for as long as I live.

And now we are done.  I'll tell you what, they better solve their bullshit.  No one likes hearing millionaires and billionaires whine about profits and health care.  That shit is ghey.  But I vow to push onward.  I will proclaim it now loud and clear for everyone to hear:  THE G$FL WILL STILL BE DRAFTING IN LATE AUGUST REGARDLESS IF AN AGREEMENT IS REACHED.  Fuck them.  Fantasy Football waits for no one.  Now let's all walk together into the black abyss which is a football-free sports landscape.  It's going to be scary but we'll be hearing Schwartz scream again in no time.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Super Bowl Live Journal

Charlie Batch.  That is all.
I'm not doing a live blog.  I got waaaaaay too drunk last night at the wedding.  There may or may not be some hilarious drunk photobooth pics of me surfacing on Facebook over the next few days.  Be aware that they are very homoerotic yet tell an incredible tale of debauchery and gayness.  Anyway, on with the Super Bowl.

6:22 - Madieu Williams named Walter Payton man of the year.  She$ actually cried at this for some reason.  Nice to see that guy watching the game overseas with the troops. 
6:26 - Text from Drew agreeing that Christina Aguilera is ridiculously busted.  She looks like trailer trash.  And she didn't know the lyrics.  Keep on truckin', Christina!
6:27 - Pre-blogging meal of BBQ chicken pizza and Deadspin Chili was outstanding.  I'm hoping for some powerful gas to show up around halftime.
6:29 - We flipped over to the Puppy Bowl for a little bit.  Had to change back though because it was too adorable.  Joe Bark and Troy Shakeman were on top of their game!
6:31 - FOURTEEN straight years that the coin toss has come up heads.  That is more impressive than Cal Ripken's streak.

First Quarter
6:36 - ZOMBO!!!  Central Michigan represent!
6:37 - 3 and out for the Steelers...I like this immensely.
6:38 - Jesus, Sam Shields, please don't tackle your own punt returner and force a fumble.  Is there anything more annoying than players pointing that they have the ball during a fumble scrum?  That should be a personal foul if they are wrong.
6:42 - Nice fucking drop, Jordy.  Nice fucking name, asshole.  Another punt.  Here comes the first set of rotten commercials.  Yep, all of them terrible so far.
6:51 - Anyone else bored?  3 punts already.  KAPINOS FOR MVP!
6:54 - Both Starks and Mendenhall look pretty good early.  Give the ball to KUHN!
6:56 - Buck just said that will.i.am has something special planned for tonight.  Who wants to bet that it still sucks?
6:57 - Another damn Fast and Furious movie?  Who is keeping this franchise alive?  Show yourselves!
6:58 - Cameron Diaz is feeding A-Rod.  Yeah, that didn't look good.  The situation and Cameron Diaz.
7:00 - TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!  RODGERS TO NELSON!  I take back what I said earlier, Jordy, you are the shit!  Great pass.  Suck a dick, Cowherd.
7:02 - For a product so delicious, Doritos is making some seriously shitty ads.
7:05 - Han Solo and James Bond are in a movie together!  It's about aliens.  Gross.
7:07 - PICK SIX BY NICK COLLINS!!!  PACKERS UP 14-0!!!  FUCK YOU, STEELERS FANS!!!  Chris Kemoeatu's shittiness caused that pick.
7:13 - Kemoeatu with a dirty hit that gets flagged.  Sign him up for LVP.
7:14 - Uh oh, Ben tweaked his knee.  More Jay Cutler drama!!!  He overcomes this injury with a big scramble for a first down.  End of the quarter and the Steelers are on pace to lose by 56.  That would be amazing.

Second Quarter
7:19 - Oh good, Flozell is back!  And a Byron Leftwich sighting!
7:23 - Fucking faggot Suisham makes a field goal.  14-3 Green Bay.  Nice drive by the Steelers as they absolutely had to get points there.
7:24 - Wait a minute, Chris Wylde is playing the piano for both Taco Bell AND Budweiser?  So sad.  Anyone remember The Chris Wylde Show on MTV from the 90's?  That show was great.  How the mighty have fallen.  It's like a whole honking cow!
7:35 - She$ has fallen asleep.  Pathetic.
7:38 - An Antwaan Randle-El sighting!  God, he sucks.  And here he is acting like a jackass. 
7:40 - Richard Lewis with a chainsaw...the ultimate killing machine!
7:42 - Picked off by Jerrod Bush!!!  This Packers defense is insane.  They are dominating.  Straight up PWNAGE.
7:44 - I'm calling it right now.  If the Packers score a touchdown here, it's over.
7:45 - TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!  RODGERS TO JENNINGS!!!  21-3!!!  This shit is OVAH...much like my wager of under 20.5 points in the first half.  And my Steelers +3 wager looks shitty, too.
7:49 - ANOTHER Randle El sighting...and again he acts like he's never caught a pass before.  2 minute warning.  Steelers need 7 here.  Every single movie preview looks terrible.  Stop making comic books into movies.  Comic books are gay.
7:52 - This field fucking sucks.  Everyone is getting hurt when they land.  Jerry Jones should be killed for this and about ten million other reasons.  Who wants to bet that Woodson stays in even if his shoulder is fucked?
7:57 - TOUCHDOWN STEELERS!!!  BIG BEN TO HANOI JANE!!!  21-10!!!  Good, we needed that just to make sure that I stay awake in the second half.
8:00 - Halftime and I'm taking away my call that this is over since the Packers secondary is getting destroyed by this shitty turf.

Halftime
8:21 - Worst halftime show ever.  Was that supposed to be a Guns and Roses cover?  It sounded like ten cats being strangled.  Shame on Slash.  And was with those outfits?  I loved Demolition back in the WWF days but those "costumes" were horrendous.  The Black Eyed Peas are fucking awful.  I would have rather heard Terry Bradshaw sing songs from his Christmas album or see Frank Caliendo do another skit with Shaq and fake Shaq.  BIG TYMERS NEXT YEAR OR GTFO.

Third Quarter
8:30 - If any of you stick around to watch Glee after this game, consider this your last post before you get banned.
8:31 - No Woodson?  Glad that I didn't bet on that.  KILL JERRY JONES!
8:35 - James Jones drops ANOTHER touchdown.  Fucking ridiculous.  TOM CRABTREE TACKLE REPRESENTIN' OXFORD!!!  Horrible call on a facemask that never happened.  Just another bullshit call for the Steelers.  Absurd.  That's horseshit.
8:38 - Ozzy and Bieber...may faith in metal is over.  Is Lemme going to judge American Idol now?  No.  The answer to that question is no.
8:41 - Ike Redman inside the ten!  He still sucks!
8:42 - TOUCHDOWN STEELERS AND REFEREES!!!  MENDENHALL!!!  21-17!!!  Now this is getting interesting.  Ian McShane is in the new Pirates movie?  Great casting!
8:46 - Suisham couldn't kick the ball inside the ten with the Redskins and now he's routinely putting kickoffs into the endzone.  Steroids.  Has to be steroids.
8:47 - Nelson drops another one.  The Packer receivers are shrinking.
8:49 - Harrison with a sack.  3 and out for the Pack.  Uh oh.
8:55 - Huge first down run by Mewelde Moore.  He's more than just the worst first name in the history of the world.
8:59 - ZOMBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Damn, I wanted to see Suisham miss a 50 yard field goal by 50 yards.  Oh, he is kicking it!  AND HE DID MISS IT BY 60 YARDS!!!  Suisham is hot fucking garbage.  That MADE my Super Bowl.
9:02 - Eminem in TWO commercials?  How street!
9:04 - Goddamit, where the fuck in KUUUUUUHN!
9:07 - Aikman is KILLING Suisham.  I love you, Troy.
9:09 - Tramon Williams just threw a punch or at least a slap.  He's having an excellent game when it comes to being a god awful punt returner.
9:13 - Swain, who looks like a homeless guy in pads, drops a first down.  The Packer receivers are dying out here.  McCarthy is challenging and he is going to lose.  Rodgers is getting no help this half.  One thing is certain, I have a man-crush on Mike Pereira.

Fourth Quarter
9:22 - Sofia Vergara is a Skins fan!!!  Yes!!!  ALF likes the Panthers?  Best commercial of the night.
9:24 - MENDENPOOP FUMBLES!!!  Packers recover!  Turnovers are killing them obviously.  That and having a shit kicker.
9:27 - Wow, James Jones caught a pass.
9:28 - Come on, Fox, answer the question that everyone wants the answer to:  Is Cameron Diaz still hand-feeding A-Rod?  Jordy Nelson with another drop.  This is UNREAL.
9:29 - Nelson down inside the 5!  He actually caught one!  DAMN, they ran a play for Crabtree but he couldn't get open!
9:31 - TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!  RODGERS TO JENNINGS AGAIN!!!  RODGERS SICK!!!  28-17 Green Bay.
9:34 - How is Matt Wilhelm still in the league?  That guy has made a nice living being a good special teams player.
9:40 - Flozell with one of the most ridiculous holds ever.  BOUT TIME!  And with that, I hit the over on penalties for the game!  WEEEEE!!!
9:42 - TOUCHDOWN STEELERS!!!  BEN TO WALLACE!!!  Going for 2!!!  An option?  OK, it worked.  28-25 Green Bay!  Damn, this is getting good.
9:49 - Text from Buke about Randle El:  "That loser should not be scoring in the Super Bowl".  True dat.  BULEE DAT!
9:51 - SICK pass to Jennings on 3rd and 10.  Dude has been nails all playoffs.  EAT SHIT, COWHERD.  Starks pops a nice run down to the 30.  You need 6 here, Pack, a field goal and you lose.
9:53 - James Jones inside the ten!  Come on, Green Bay, wrap this bitch up.
9:54 - ONE YARD CATCH BY TOM CRABTREE!  MVP!  MVP!  MVP!
9:56 - Field goal good.  Packers 31-25.  They're fucked.  This is where Ben wins it and the MVP which I put bet on +300.
9:59 - Dumbass penalty by Kieran Fox on my boy, Crabtree.  That's what he gets for having a fag first name. 
10:04 - 4th down and 5...COME ON, PACKERS!
10:05 - INCOMPLETE!!!  THE PACKERS ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!  EVEN THE REFS CAN'T TAKE IT FROM THEM NOW!!!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!  FUCK YOUR BUTTS, STEELERS!!!

Final thoughts on a wildly entertaining Super Bowl with an extremely satisfying outcome:
-Aaron Rodgers was outstanding in spite of his shit-ass receivers dropping everything.  He is now in the elite QB company and has finally killed off all of the Favretards.  God bless him.
-Ben played very well, too.  Had one bad throw but that happens.  The Steelers defense let the offense down tonight.
-Let this be a lesson, the team with the most MAC players wins every Super Bowl every year.
-I got destroyed on props.  Where was Kuhn?  Heath Miller?  Troy Polamalu was fucking AWFUL.  AWFUL.  Cut your hair now, ferry.
-Jesus Christ, now the horrible reality is upon us that the NFL season might not be around next year.  Fuck that noise.

By going 2-0 tonight and drilling the MVP, the winner of the Playoffs Challenge is...ANDREW!!!  mdrgolf did not get any picks in so he/she was disqualified.  I think that Drew and Tony had better records, but fuck them.  Andrew, send me an email with your contact info and I will send you your prize (gift card).

In conclusion, it is great to see Steeler fans silenced.  They needed a big slice of humble pie (Packer fans ate the rest of the pie).  Congrats to the Packers and to the only GB fans that I know, the McMizzle family!!! 

Friday, February 04, 2011

Gingivitis Vs. Heart Disease...The Prediction

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog's creation. This is the 4th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. Four years ago, I successully predicted a Colts win and cover. In 2008, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. In year 3, it had the Steelers by 14. Last year, we called for a Saints upset victory.  So to sum up, the system is nailing the winner and the spread winner at a 75% clip. And I expect more winning this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no feel on who is going to win this one, but we need to process everything and see what the system says. I kind of like Green Bay but how in the hell do you bet against Big Ben and the Steelers?  I will be rooting for the Packers though because a crying Steelers fan would be better than a Packers fan showing tears of gravy.  But enough about what I think, let's analyze this thing:

QB: Hmmm, neither team would be here if not for excellent and timely play by their quarterbacks.  Big Ben is one of the best winners in NFL history.  But with a Packers win, we may finally get Colin Cowherd to admit that he's wrong (and racist from his remarks about John Wall).  When in doubt, give the check to the QB that didn't get suspended this year for embarrassing the league.  Packers +2

RB: Neither of these teams is known for their running game.  I think that I'm one of the few people on the planet that knew who Jimmy Starks was before the playoffs and that's only because I follow the MAC.  Mendenhall is good but not great.  This comes down to who I trust more in short yardage situations and I like John KUUUUUUUUUUUUHN a lot more than I do Ike Redman.  Packers +2

WR/TE:  Check out the similarities here...Wallace and Jennings are a push.  Hines Ward and Driver are the exact same old and slow overrated receiver.  Is there any difference between Butterfingers Jones/Jordache Nelson and Sanders/Brown?  I don't think so.  So the tight end breaks the tie and I like Heath Miller a hell of a lot more than I do Quarless and Miami University's own Tom Crabtree.  Although Steelers fans yelling "HEEEEATH" is beyond gay.  You only do that with guys like Kuhn and Cooley who have to the "ooooooo" in their name.  Fucking tards.  Steelers +3

OL:  Maurkice Pouncey seems to think that he will play (he won't) which goes against what "Doctor" Chris Kemoeatu reported.  But that still doesn't make up for Flozell Adams (you may be getting tired of me harping on this, but I can never say it enough that that guy sucks).  The Packers line seemed to enjoy watching Rodgers get his brains scrambled early on but have really cleaned things up recently.  Packers +4

DL:  For as much as I loved BJ Raji's endzone celebration/extreme baby fat, nothing can touch Brett Keisel's Paul Bunyan beard.  That guy should be the new spokesman for Bounty paper towels.  Steelers +3

LB:  This is the strength of both teams.  For as much as I dislike Harrison, the guy is an animal and he and Woodley are unblockable off the edges.  Matthews and Hawk have played really well this season, too.  If I was racist, I would give the points to the Packers, but I'm not.  I just like to make jokes.  Steelers +2

DB:  I will never forgive Ike Taylor for embarrassing mankind when he announced "Ike Taylor...Swaggin'" instead of saying his college during the last Super Bowl they were in.  What a fuck.  Polamalu is sick and all, but the Packers secondary is outstanding.  Three excellent cover corners that can also blitz is more than just a wet dream for Dom Capers.  Packers +1

K/P:  Shaun Suisham is the worst kicker in NFL history.  I don't even know the names of the punters.  Packers +5

Return Game:  For some strange reason, James Starks returns kickoffs for the Packers.  Would Wayne Fontes have ever put Barry Sanders back there?  I'm not saying that Barry and Jimmy are comparable, but it's just odd to see a starting HB catching kicks.  The Steelers have been known for shoddy kickoff coverage and Antwaan Randle El was a horrible punt returner four years ago.  I doubt that he's gotten better.  Packers +2

Coach:  The track record for fat guys winning the Super Bowl isn't very good.  I think you have to go all the way back to Parcells.  I would like Tomlin more if he shaved off that stupid beard and admitted that replacing Wesley Snipes in Major League 2 was a bad decision.  Steelers +4

City:  Whichever publication it is that ranks the most liveable cities in America continues to show much love for Pittsburgh.  I don't know why.  But it is probably better than "Milwaukee's taint".  Steelers +3

Fans:  Holy shit, I'm not going into this again.  Steelers fans need to be ethnically cleansed.  Packers +4

Celebrity Fans: Pittsburgh - Christina Aguilera, Julie Benz, CHARLES BRONSON, Frank "The Riddler" Gorshin, Michael Keaton, Bret Michaels, and Kurt Angle
Green Bay - Larry The Cable Guy, Jessica Biel, Tony Shalhoub, Chris Farley, the guy that was Mr. Miyagi
Steelers +3 just because of Bronson

Organization: The Rooneys are apparently the blueprint for how a franchise is to be run.  Fuck them and their ability to refrain from giving Deion Sanders 50 million dollars.  The Packers are owned by the fans which is strange.  The Steelers made it a rule to give coaching interviews to token black guys.  Whatever.  Fans are stupid.  Steelers +2

Against The Spread: Green Bay went 11-8 ATS this year and has covered in their last 4 games.  Pittsburgh went 12-6.  That's pretty damn good considering that they were favored by more than a field goal in a majority of their games this season. Steelers +1

Add it up, bitch...(The lines that we're going on are Green Bay -2.5 and the O/U of 44.5)

Well, well, well, "the system" has the Pittsburgh Steelers beating the Green Bay Packers 21-20 (so I'll take the points and go with the under).  That is sort of the way I'm leaning anyway but...wait a minute...I have to go to a wedding in Bowling Green tomorrow night which means that my Super Bowl Sunday will feature over 2 hours of drive time.  The groom is a Steelers fan.  I can't allow this to happen.  FUCK YOU FOR GETTING MARRIED ON SUPER BOWL WEEKEND.  You deserve to be punished for this.  I'll give the Packers a field goal out of spite and the win.  Green Bay 23, Pittsburgh 21 (sticking with the under and the Steelers with the points).  Aaron Rodgers wins the MVP.  I would love to see Suisham go all Scott Norwood and then kill himself.  That would really give me an erection.

As far as our playoff contest goes, this is how it looks:
13-7: mdrgolf--went 4-0 two weeks ago!
12-8: Drew, Tony B
11-9: Jeff, Andrew
10-10: Naptown Wolverine, Grumpy, Iceman
7-13: Mr. Ace
6-14:  G$, Dut
--make an MVP prediction, too, just in case there is a tie.

My menu appears to be a BBQ chicken pizza and probably some sort of buffalo chicken dip.  I'm sure that it will produce some excellent toilet explosions at the office come Monday morning.  And finally, last year I live-blogged the Super Bowl and it went over fairly well.  Anybody interested in that happening again?  I don't think that I will but I suppose if there is demand, I can.  Enjoy the last football game until God knows when.  GO PACK GO!!!