Monday, December 05, 2011
In the third quarter, when #82 for Sparty (Martin, I think) got crushed by a Badger LB, Gus just PWNED it. "He knocked off his helmet! HE KNOCKED OFF HIS DO' RAG!!!" I could listen to Gus talk about do' rags forever. So in conclusion, thank you, Gus, for making the Big Ten title game even better than it already was. While we like Marv Albert doing the NFL, your presence in the booth is still missed. Anyway, onto the rest of the worst of week unlucky number.
*DeSean Jackson - You know how Peyton Hillis was having the worst contract year ever? At least he isn't quitting in the middle of games. D-Jax should just put his house on the market now because the Eagles should not pay this diva another cent.
*Vince Young - Sucks. DREAM TEAM!
*Andy Reid - It's coming. He's going to get shitcanned (and deservedly so). And God dammit, we need more head coach firings. Jack Del Rio isn't enough for me. I need more blood!
*Rex Grossman - Enough said.
*Redskins Defense - 3 touchdowns to Shonn Greene, eh? That is so pathetic. Greene is absolute shit.
*Fred Davis and Trent Williams - YEAAAAAAHHH!!! These guys get popped for failed drug tests during the lockout and now their seasons are likely over. WELL DONE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. Put us down for 4-12 now.
*Ryan Fitzpatrick - The wheels have pretty much all fallen off of the circle wagons. I don't get it. The Bills had a chance at least to win the game but Fitzy was throwing passes harder than Brett Lorenzo on that final drive that zero receivers could possibly catch. Remember when he signed a 59 million dollar contract? Hilarity ensued.
*Matt Forte and Andre Johnson - Uh oh. You don't like to see this stuff. Both of these teams have to be pissed at how snakebitten they've been. And the Texans lost Steroids Cushing, too.
*Please not you, Bears - DON'T SIGN MCNABB. Caleb Hanie is poop salad, but he's still better than Captain Ground Ball.
*The Raid-uhs - It makes you wonder if they even prepared when you see that they were down 34-0 at one point to the Dolphins. And guess what? They ain't in first anymore. Why?
*TEBOWMANIA!!! - It's time for everyone to start believing in the Broncos. Dude is 6-1 as a starter, is starting to make throws in the first 3 quarters, and the defense is (other than yesterday) pretty stout. I'm on the Broncos bandwagon and I want them to win the West. Why? Because I TOTES want Tebow to knock Steely McBeam out of the playoffs. HOW FUCKING GREAT WOULD THAT BE!!!
*Bill Belichick - Stupid faggot couldn't even beat Dan Orlovsky by more than 7 points! If I had a vote to waste on MVP, I would vote for Rex Grossman to win and Rob Gronkowski as #2. That guy is so sick. Fucks pornstars and scores touchdowns better than anyone.
*The Bengals, Rams, and Bucs - They both lost to better teams. Moving along...
*The Kyle Orton Express - Nice one pass comeback, jerk!
*TIGER IS BACK, BABY!!! - Oh how sweet was that? Tiger is still the King. I bet he cornholed no less than 6 Perkins waitresses last night.
*Dick Jauron - You fired Rob Ryan for this chach's defense? The Wolfman would never allow anyone to go off for 290 yards on the ground. The Browns are still terrible.
*Jason Garrett - What the fuck was that? Not using timeouts! Settling on a 48 yard field goal! Icing your own kicker! I'm glad that the Cowboys lost to Kevin Kolb because they have been masquerading as a good team for far too long. THEY ARE NOT. And DeMarco Murray still isn't good.
*The '72 Dolphins - They're already starting to come out of their cryogenic freezing processes to remind us of who they are. It remains annoying. But you know what, the Packers are definitely going into the playoffs undefeated. The Raiders, Chiefs, Bears, and Lions aren't going to stop them. Face it, Green Bay is going 16-0. We'll talk more later about if they can run through the Super Bowl, but for now, FUCK Mercury Morris.
In conclusion, my fantasy teams are going 4-0 this week. I've already discussed my one seed in the DFL and the MSFL and I think I've already clinched a playoff spot in the other two leagues (which playoffs run weeks 15-17). I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm the Tim Tebow and Tiger Woods of fantasy football. AND I wear a do' rag!
***Please hold off on college football until tomorrow. KTHXBYE***