Monday, December 05, 2011

The Worst Of Week Thirteen Vol.V

I realized something as I was watching the Big Ten championship game on Saturday night:  I miss Gus Johnson calling the NFL.  I know that he's been doing the FX college games this year (with the abysmal Charles Davis who is football's Len Elmore), but this weekend was my first foray into the Gus-college experiment.  And you know what, it was just as awesome as I remembered.  NO ONE goes nuts like Gus which is why I love him so.  His call of the 4th down fluke bomb from Wilson to Duckworth was a classic Gus-gasm (GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!) but that pales in comparison to his best call.  The call that still has me LOLing today.

In the third quarter, when #82 for Sparty (Martin, I think) got crushed by a Badger LB, Gus just PWNED it.  "He knocked off his helmet!  HE KNOCKED OFF HIS DO' RAG!!!"  I could listen to Gus talk about do' rags forever.  So in conclusion, thank you, Gus, for making the Big Ten title game even better than it already was.  While we like Marv Albert doing the NFL, your presence in the booth is still missed.  Anyway, onto the rest of the worst of week unlucky number.

*DeSean Jackson - You know how Peyton Hillis was having the worst contract year ever?  At least he isn't quitting in the middle of games.  D-Jax should just put his house on the market now because the Eagles should not pay this diva another cent.

*Vince Young - Sucks.  DREAM TEAM!

*Andy Reid - It's coming.  He's going to get shitcanned (and deservedly so).  And God dammit, we need more head coach firings.  Jack Del Rio isn't enough for me.  I need more blood!

*Rex Grossman - Enough said.

*Redskins Defense - 3 touchdowns to Shonn Greene, eh?  That is so pathetic.  Greene is absolute shit.

*Fred Davis and Trent Williams - YEAAAAAAHHH!!!  These guys get popped for failed drug tests during the lockout and now their seasons are likely over.  WELL DONE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.  Put us down for 4-12 now.

*Ryan Fitzpatrick - The wheels have pretty much all fallen off of the circle wagons.  I don't get it.  The Bills had a chance at least to win the game but Fitzy was throwing passes harder than Brett Lorenzo on that final drive that zero receivers could possibly catch.  Remember when he signed a 59 million dollar contract?  Hilarity ensued.

*Matt Forte and Andre Johnson - Uh oh.  You don't like to see this stuff.  Both of these teams have to be pissed at how snakebitten they've been.  And the Texans lost Steroids Cushing, too.

*Please not you, Bears - DON'T SIGN MCNABB.  Caleb Hanie is poop salad, but he's still better than Captain Ground Ball.

*The Raid-uhs - It makes you wonder if they even prepared when you see that they were down 34-0 at one point to the Dolphins.  And guess what?  They ain't in first anymore.  Why?

*TEBOWMANIA!!! - It's time for everyone to start believing in the Broncos.  Dude is 6-1 as a starter, is starting to make throws in the first 3 quarters, and the defense is (other than yesterday) pretty stout.  I'm on the Broncos bandwagon and I want them to win the West.  Why?  Because I TOTES want Tebow to knock Steely McBeam out of the playoffs.  HOW FUCKING GREAT WOULD THAT BE!!!

*Bill Belichick - Stupid faggot couldn't even beat Dan Orlovsky by more than 7 points!  If I had a vote to waste on MVP, I would vote for Rex Grossman to win and Rob Gronkowski as #2.  That guy is so sick.  Fucks pornstars and scores touchdowns better than anyone.

*The Bengals, Rams, and Bucs - They both lost to better teams.  Moving along...

*The Kyle Orton Express - Nice one pass comeback, jerk!

*TIGER IS BACK, BABY!!! - Oh how sweet was that?  Tiger is still the King.  I bet he cornholed no less than 6 Perkins waitresses last night.

*Dick Jauron - You fired Rob Ryan for this chach's defense?  The Wolfman would never allow anyone to go off for 290 yards on the ground.  The Browns are still terrible.

*Jason Garrett - What the fuck was that?  Not using timeouts!  Settling on a 48 yard field goal!  Icing your own kicker!  I'm glad that the Cowboys lost to Kevin Kolb because they have been masquerading as a good team for far too long.  THEY ARE NOT.  And DeMarco Murray still isn't good.

*The '72 Dolphins - They're already starting to come out of their cryogenic freezing processes to remind us of who they are.  It remains annoying.  But you know what, the Packers are definitely going into the playoffs undefeated.  The Raiders, Chiefs, Bears, and Lions aren't going to stop them.  Face it, Green Bay is going 16-0.  We'll talk more later about if they can run through the Super Bowl, but for now, FUCK Mercury Morris.

In conclusion, my fantasy teams are going 4-0 this week.  I've already discussed my one seed in the DFL and the MSFL and I think I've already clinched a playoff spot in the other two leagues (which playoffs run weeks 15-17).  I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm the Tim Tebow and Tiger Woods of fantasy football.  AND I wear a do' rag!

***Please hold off on college football until tomorrow. KTHXBYE***


Grumpy said...

I can't wait to see James Harrison kill Tebow in the playoffs. Prepare to meet your maker Timmy.

GMoney said...

I can't wait to watch Tebow circumcise James Harrison in the playoffs. Prepare to find salvation, Jimmy.

Also WORST: Ndamukong Suh trying to drive. He must be Asian.

Anonymous said...

I hope to god that Vincent Jackson and Ryan Mathews have a quiet night tonight. After Michael Turner's annual late season suckfest, I am running on fumes and desperately need that first round bye in the MSFL!

Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Call it a case of the Mondays but who is Steely Mcbeam?


GMoney said...

How could you forget the fucktard mascot of the Steelers!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

You must still be suffering from yet another fantasy beatdown that I've administered to you this season. Damman and I are in 3 leagues together and he has yet to defeat me. I believe that the same can be said about Ide as well. ELITE.

Anonymous said...

Yeah. It has been morally crushing. Just sad days, really.


Prime99 said...

Grumpy had me worried yesterday but Drew Brees worked his usual magic. I NEEDED that win in the MSFL badly, not to mention that the Bears went from playoff bound to the worst team in the league. Fuck.

The Lions' penalties were hilarious last night.

Anonymous said...

The Lions penalties were indeed hilarious last night. For those that didn't stay up...

*Pettigrew shoved an official...and yet somehow that only gets you 15 yards and no ejection.

*Stefan Logan...a kick returner...threw a football at a Saints player's face....15 yards.

*Titus Young punched a Saints player on 3rd and Goal from the 1...pushing it to 3rd and Goal from the 16 and settling for a FG.

*Nate Burleson got THREE OFFENSIVE PASS INTERFENCE CALLS. How is that possible?

The best part? The Lions playoff chances drastically they lost a game they were never going to win..the Bears lost Forte and every other wild card team lost. If the Lions beat the Vikings this Sunday we pretty much control our own destiny...wild.

Grumpy...I'd like to share a beer with you after James Harrison kills Tebow.


Grumpy said...

Drew, when it happens, I will not only drive to meet you, I'm buying the beer. We'll get shit faced and text pics to G$.

Anonymous said...

I am also on the tebow bandwagon. You just knew the broncos were gonna pull that game out yesterday. I used to be a hater.. But now I'm a lover...

The end of the cowboys game was one of the worst displays of clock management that I've ever seen. Garret said they were content on their position because he was inside his kickers range. What a terrible excuse. Icing the kicker was hilarious.

The browns are also hilarious. Thankfully CBS Columbus no longer puts that team on the air. Nobody should be forced to watch that.

The lions are done. Stafford sucks as well.

Congrats to the Fleshlights for powering their way into the playoffs. Chris Johnson and Pierre garçon tried to fuck me, but a heavy dose of cam juice cannot be defeated. Nobody wants to play these well oiled Fleshlights in the playoffs. NOBODY.


GMoney said...

I would love to play with a well-oiled flesh light.

This sucks. I've got two byes this coming week. What am I supposed to do; watch the Redskins lose by 40 to the Patriots?

Tim Tebow = white Cammy Cam

I didn't watch the SNF game last night so I had no idea that the Lions were that Antoine Dodson. I'm starting to think that Jim Schwartz might be a terrible coach now. He might be like Bob Stoops (ZING!).

Dut is on board. He sees the light. But let me ask you all, if Denver hosts Pittsburgh in round one, who else will hop on the bandwagon to heaven???

Prepare your thoughts because we may be spending the rest of the week discussing how terrible the NCAA is.

The Iceman said...

Got a couple Colin Cowherd's on here. Tebow haters! I don't give a fuck how you do it. Just win me games. John Fox is gonna owe Tebow an incredible amount of BJ's for saving his coaching ass. If I were Tebow I would definitely tell Fox to "Teblow Me."

Prime99 said...

I can't jump on the Tebow bandwagon yet- they play the Bears next week and while I think Tebow probably comes from behind again, I refuse to admit anything this week. Talk to me next week when the Broncos play the Pats.

I'll be in Reno this weekend... Feel free to drop any betting advice for consideration at any time this week.

GMoney said...

Prime, take the Patriots over the Skins and it doesn't matter the line is.


Cowherd is the ultimate troll.

I miss Monday Afternoon Zombie talk.

Anonymous said...

I still hate Tebow with a passion. If the Broncos play the Steelers in the playoffs, then I'm on Team Grumpy and I look forward to doing some drunken Tebowing with him after Harrison kills that huge faggot.


GMoney said...

By the way, Fred Davis and Trent Williams have failed drug tests AT LEAST three times. These two are cornerstones for the franchise. It is not easy being a Redskins fan where even your good players are terrible characters.

GMoney said...

Drew, Urban Meyer does not like you talking about his son that way. Maybe you should go back to supporting Paul Hewitt.

Anonymous said...

Fred Davis when to Rogers..... that is all that needs to be said.

Dut Stafford definately blows throwing for over 400 yards..... penalties killed the lions.

Tebow turned my FF team around just like he is doing with the Broncos. Watch out MSFL.

Its going to be so sad not hearing Gus's voice come march madness. Wont be near as fun.


The Iceman said...

I always get my Steelers, Cowboys, USC and Yankees information from Cowturd...because that's ALL HE EVER FUCKING TALKS ABOUT!

GMoney said...

Silly Iceman, Colin is not a Yankees fan. Don't you remember the countless times where he talks about how big of Mariners fan he is?

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.