|Royalty...just like G$|
I AM A GODDAMN CHAMPION! Best Christmas present ever. I would like to thank my true warriors: Breesus, Mendenhall, Bradshaw, Larry Fitz, Boldin, Santana Moss, Reginald Wayne, Jimmy Graham, and Gronk N-word. And Lance Ball...can't forget about Lance Ball. And if I'm not on Big Brother this summer, expect to see the most lavish and homosexual champion's entrance at the DFL Draft that would even make Uncle T blush. It's coming and it will be glorious.
Anyway, on to week 16's doo doo:
The Colts? - I'm going to write more about this on Wednesday actually. You can bet your sweet ass that they win in Jacksonville on Sunday.
Tim Tenor - The Lord works in mysterious ways. How doth he explain Tenor's skidmark performance in Buffalo the day before Christ's birth? All of those people that think religion is a sham can point to this as proof.
Early Doucet - You know good goddamn well that blacktard Cris Carter will pick Doucet's game-losing, wide open touchdown fall down as his "Come On, Man" tonight. CC needs to die. And I really hope that the Bengals lose on Sunday because I want to see me some RAIDERS in the playoffs.
The Patriots - It's really starting to piss me off that they let Tom Brady rush so many fucking one yard touchdowns. That is why you have goddamn running backs. I hope that Brady breaks his hairpiece on an unnecessary sneak. And who falls behind 17-0 to the Dolphins at home? I'm telling you, don't fall for these guys. They will not win a playoff game.
Rex Ryan - I love Rex Ryan. He's a loudmouth blob with a weirdo foot fetish. His schtick is great when the Jets are winning. But now, eh, it's getting lame. I hate Brandon Jacobs but he was totes right...It's time to shut up, fat boy.
Mark Sanchez - His days are numbered. There is no fucking way that the Jets can give him an extension after his contract runs out after next season.
Phil Taylor - Classic Browns right there. Granted, they would not have won the game anyway, but at least they would have had the chance. By the way, Baltimore is garbage. Do you remember what I said about Sanchise four lines ago? The same thing applies to Joe Flacco. If for some reason the Colts put Peyton Manning on the trade block, I guarantee you that the Jets and Ravens make an offer.
People that think that A-Rodgers is the MVP - IT SHOULD GO TO DAVID AKERS! David Akers SICK! He averages THREE made field goals per game. I would bet that the Niners are a 5 win team without Akers.
Tony Romo - What a pussy. It was nice to see the Cowboys roll over and die since it didn't really mean anything to them to beat their rival. Way to quit on your fans! Anyone foolish enough to bet on Dallas to win in NJ next Sunday night is too dumb to have any money in the first place. The Giants are a fucking LOCK.
Was that the Redskins? - The same team that swept the Giants just got titty-fucked by Toby Gerhart and Joe Webb. They end Adrian Peterson's life and Ponder's season yet get steamrolled by their backups? I chalk that one up to the heartbreaking decision by Matt "Boner King" Barkley. My dad thinks that the Skins should make a run at The Kyle Orton Express (God no). I wouldn't mind if they went after Matt Flynn and build around him. He was good enough to keep a BCS ring off of Commenter Daniel's finger in college, so he's good enough for me.
LIONS H8RZ - Congrats to all of the Lions fans out there for clinching a playoff birth for the first time since 1999 when the Skins kicked your ass. Remember when the Skins won the NFC East? Good times. It's been a weird year for the Lions with the offensive explosions ruined by a pathetic coach scrum and a cocksucking DT, but props nonetheless for getting the job done. May you truly enjoy your 20 point loss to the Saints...again (I don't actually remember how much you lost by so back off).
Congrats to Lange who appears will win the MSFL title (Damman 2nd, G$ third). Dude started out 3-6 and has not lost since (led by Tim Tenor natch). Well done, sir, enjoy those White Castle gift cards--CORRECTION! Actually, this one is far from over. Of course, I would have killed both of these losers this week...goddamn Rodgers.
Fuck. I probably wrote too much considering I've got to be the only asshole working today and the internet will be slowed way down. Stupid fucking me. Correction---stupid fucking CHAMPION me. That sounds way better.