Monday, December 26, 2011

The Worst Of Week Sixteen Vol.V

Royalty...just like G$
Gentlemen...the winner and NEEEEEWWWWW DFL CHAMPION...GMoney!!!  Sure, it isn't over yet, but I've got a 17+ point lead with Breesus, Jimmy G, and Matt Bryant tonight while Reba/Ide has Colston and Lance Moore.  I'm willing to call this one.  Holy shit.  I just won a fantasy football league!  This is pretty much the greatest feeling ever (it's been a long six years!).  Caylee Anthony Makeout Party was probably the best team that I've ever assembled and it lived up to my lofty expectations with an ELITE 13-2 TITLE season.  So the first annual DFL Trophy Fleshlight is coming my way...Dut actually had the nerve to ask me if I really wanted that.  OF COURSE I DO.  Instead of ordering it online, though, I think it would be better if you took me on a date to The Lion's Den so we could pick it out together.  You know, try a few on to see which fits best.

I AM A GODDAMN CHAMPION!  Best Christmas present ever.  I would like to thank my true warriors:  Breesus, Mendenhall, Bradshaw, Larry Fitz, Boldin, Santana Moss, Reginald Wayne, Jimmy Graham, and Gronk N-word.  And Lance Ball...can't forget about Lance Ball.  And if I'm not on Big Brother this summer, expect to see the most lavish and homosexual champion's entrance at the DFL Draft that would even make Uncle T blush.  It's coming and it will be glorious.

Anyway, on to week 16's doo doo:


The Colts? - I'm going to write more about this on Wednesday actually.  You can bet your sweet ass that they win in Jacksonville on Sunday.


Tim Tenor - The Lord works in mysterious ways.  How doth he explain Tenor's skidmark performance in Buffalo the day before Christ's birth?  All of those people that think religion is a sham can point to this as proof.

Early Doucet - You know good goddamn well that blacktard Cris Carter will pick Doucet's game-losing, wide open touchdown fall down as his "Come On, Man" tonight.  CC needs to die.  And I really hope that the Bengals lose on Sunday because I want to see me some RAIDERS in the playoffs.

The Patriots - It's really starting to piss me off that they let Tom Brady rush so many fucking one yard touchdowns.  That is why you have goddamn running backs.  I hope that Brady breaks his hairpiece on an unnecessary sneak.  And who falls behind 17-0 to the Dolphins at home?  I'm telling you, don't fall for these guys.  They will not win a playoff game.

Rex Ryan - I love Rex Ryan.  He's a loudmouth blob with a weirdo foot fetish.  His schtick is great when the Jets are winning.  But now, eh, it's getting lame.  I hate Brandon Jacobs but he was totes right...It's time to shut up, fat boy.

Mark Sanchez - His days are numbered.  There is no fucking way that the Jets can give him an extension after his contract runs out after next season.

Phil Taylor - Classic Browns right there.  Granted, they would not have won the game anyway, but at least they would have had the chance.  By the way, Baltimore is garbage.  Do you remember what I said about Sanchise four lines ago?  The same thing applies to Joe Flacco.  If for some reason the Colts put Peyton Manning on the trade block, I guarantee you that the Jets and Ravens make an offer.

People that think that A-Rodgers is the MVP - IT SHOULD GO TO DAVID AKERS!  David Akers SICK!  He averages THREE made field goals per game.  I would bet that the Niners are a 5 win team without Akers.

Tony Romo - What a pussy.  It was nice to see the Cowboys roll over and die since it didn't really mean anything to them to beat their rival.  Way to quit on your fans!  Anyone foolish enough to bet on Dallas to win in NJ next Sunday night is too dumb to have any money in the first place.  The Giants are a fucking LOCK.

Was that the Redskins? - The same team that swept the Giants just got titty-fucked by Toby Gerhart and Joe Webb.  They end Adrian Peterson's life and Ponder's season yet get steamrolled by their backups?  I chalk that one up to the heartbreaking decision by Matt "Boner King" Barkley.  My dad thinks that the Skins should make a run at The Kyle Orton Express (God no).  I wouldn't mind if they went after Matt Flynn and build around him.  He was good enough to keep a BCS ring off of Commenter Daniel's finger in college, so he's good enough for me.

LIONS H8RZ - Congrats to all of the Lions fans out there for clinching a playoff birth for the first time since 1999 when the Skins kicked your ass.  Remember when the Skins won the NFC East?  Good times.  It's been a weird year for the Lions with the offensive explosions ruined by a pathetic coach scrum and a cocksucking DT, but props nonetheless for getting the job done.  May you truly enjoy your 20 point loss to the Saints...again (I don't actually remember how much you lost by so back off).

Congrats to Lange who appears will win the MSFL title (Damman 2nd, G$ third).  Dude started out 3-6 and has not lost since (led by Tim Tenor natch).  Well done, sir, enjoy those White Castle gift cards--CORRECTION!  Actually, this one is far from over.  Of course, I would have killed both of these losers this week...goddamn Rodgers.

Fuck.  I probably wrote too much considering I've got to be the only asshole working today and the internet will be slowed way down.  Stupid fucking me.  Correction---stupid fucking CHAMPION me.  That sounds way better.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Congratulations on your well deserved championship. Credit my contribution of Roy Helu. I called the Lion's Den in Jeffersonville. They're holding one fleshlight in Extra Small.

GMoney said...

Wrong league reference, Grump, but thanks anyway. You're right, I'm in way too many leagues. I would like to try it on first before having Dut buy it for me though.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your fleshlight! I very much look forward to the review.

What type of sweatshop has you working today AND the second? Hell...I even get this Friday off for some reason to observe NYE.

Hell yes the Lions haters can suck it. The wild part is that we were the trendy pick this year and may have still exceeded those expextations. How fucking good is Stafford? Only 23 years old still. I think there is only like a 35% chance of getting the Saints.....anybody but them please. That game would be ugly.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Good point since the Falcons will likely lose tonight. Take care of business against my future boy, Matty Flynn, though next week. The Lions shouldn't sit ANYONE for that game. You should be striving to play the Giants/Cowboys and not content on playing whoever. The NFC East winner blows. You can beat either of those teams.

Tell me about it...I get extra vacation days for showing up this Monday and the next but it's pointless because I won't use them anyway. I'm a tard.

I'll have to think about a product review. Also, Ide was in Toledo with Uncle Smutpeddler this weekend...we need a report!

The Iceman said...

I think more people are working today than you think...myself included. But whatevs...its basically free money to sit here and blog all day. Minus the masturbating, anything I was doing at home today can be done at work while I collect money. Remind me again who loses in this scenario.

Tony Romo's hand getting mutilated was huge for me. It pretty much put me in the championship game in one of my seven leagues.

Saturday games can get fucked. I only got to watch the 2nd half of Eagles/Cowgirls because of fucking work and family Christmas parties.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes...the Lions need to/will be playing all of their players this weekend my friend. Maybe we should bench Suh so he doesn't rip Rodgers head off in the quarter or so that he will play and get suspended for the playoff game?

When you do the fleshlight review please make sure to let us know what starlets you were watching while you used that wonderful looking machine.

Some Uncle Smutpeddler X-Mas stories would be a tremendous day.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman...today is a paid holiday for me. So, yes...if I choose to masterbate at home then I will be getting paid for it. That is still better than going to work and having nothing to do but blog.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I get paid 48 hours to work 40 this week instead of getting paid 40 hours to work 32. I'll sacrifice the extra day off to get more money. And I have an early day on Wednesday so I can watch the Pistons curb stomp the Cavs cocks courtside in Detroit. So it's not all bad.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the dfl title,g$. I won't be going to the lions den with you though! Go to fleshlight.com and pick out your flavor.

I am really confused as to why the lions weren't on tv in nw Ohio this weekend. Instead we got the cowboys and eagles at 4:00. Wtf!?

Have fun at work this week, fags! Tonight you'll find me in the beautiful city of Detroit gambling my face off. Detroit is pretty much the same as Vegas, right?

Dut

Prime99 said...

The real question, Iceman, is can I still get more for my gold this week?!

I think the Bears might haven beaten the Chiefs and Broncos with McCown in. That could be the dumbest or smartest thing I've ever typed. The game was at least watchable as I have Kahlil Bell trying to win me a championship as well.

Speaking of which, I'm up 12 going into tonight. I have Brees and Colston, they have Matt Ryan and Lance Moore. This is the league I won last year with Sexy Rexy at the helm.

No one is building around Matt Flynn. C'MON MAN!

Anonymous said...

Dut...which casino are you going to? Any plans for restaurants?

Iceman...tell Greg Monroe that I think he's sexy when you are sitting that close. Also, tell Tayshaun that I wish he had signed elsewhere. Thanks in advance.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I disagree with your Flynn sentiment. He's learned the game from McCarthy and Discount Doublecheck the last three years which is about as good as it gets and he looked really good last year when forced into action. All of the prep work to make someone a ready-QB is already done, he just needs the chance now. Plus, he's white. I think that he's a FA this offseason and I'd much rather see Snyder give him 20 mill than Ryan Tannehill.

Found out that JSaul is moving to The D soon after spending a few months in Ric Flair Country. He vows to never miss another DFL Draft. That's good, now he can witness my uber gay corronation ceremony in August.

GMoney said...

Uh oh, Drew's looking to get his anus licked tonight. He probably calls it "The Restaurant".

Josh McCown = ELITE???

Prime99 said...

McCown is not ELITE. He is... Uh... Decent when compared against Caleb Hanie.

Now, Derrick Rose is ELITE. What a savage.

The Iceman said...

I'll give you less actually, Prime. Because knowing you, you probably stole it.

Khalil Bell actually wouldn't be half bad if that chubby fucker could hold onto the rock. Two fumbles last night??

My hatred for Merrrrrrl Hoge grows daily. He said after last night's game that the Packers are in trouble. Go put your helmet back on and pick up the sidewalk chalk.

The Iceman said...

Rose is a fuckin killer. Shocking that Rose is another guy Cowturd thinks is overrated. Just like Durant...right? Fuckin ape.

Anonymous said...

Drew-

We're staying at a Marriot somewhere downtown.. I think it's right by Greektown? If Greektown appears to be too trashy (likely), we'll head to either MGM or the other casino. No plans for restaurants yet.. any ideas?

Anonymous said...

-Dut

Brady said...

I'm hungover. That is all.

GMoney said...

I believe that Greektown is considered the best. It's the place that currently holds all of Allen Iverson's debt, right?

Hoge said this morning that the Packers are the 4th best team in the NFC. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Dut...Greektown ain't bad. MGM is the nicest.

Two restaurant recommendations....

This is deep in da D. It's right next to where Tiger Stadium used to be....which you would probably like to see. It is without a doubt one of the best BBQ restaurants you will ever eat at. Great beer list as well. http://slowsbarbq.com/

There are lots of good restaurants in Greektown, but I love this place...it's extremely close to the casino. http://www.fishbonesusa.com/

It's a big cajun restaurant...you can get apps of alligator and stuff like that. If you were interested in Greek Food then just pick any of them in the area.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

4th best. Hilarious. Behind who might I ask. I'm assuming he said Saints and Niners. Who's the last team? He should be fired for even thinking that an Alex Smiff quarterbacked team is better than an Aaron Rodgers quarterbacked team.

Brady said...

This point wasn't touched on in G$'s original post but I had to bring it up. Here are some great stats/quotes from the Bengals game in which they were fighting for the playoff lives.

"Only 41,273 fans showed up on a sunny, 38-degree afternoon to watch the breakthrough 23-16 victory over Arizona on Saturday. Paul Brown Stadium, with a 65,500-seat capacity, was more than one-third empty."

"It's going to be a big week, and we're going to need everyone to come out and support us," Dalton said. "Everyone in Cincinnati needs to come out for this big game."

Adam "Pacman" Jones said "The fans did a great job getting behind us, and we need all of you this week. We need the fans this week. Who Dey! Please come support us.

How fucking pathetic is that?! The players and coaches have to beg the fans to come out. The Bengals have only 3 winning seasons in the last 2 decades. With a win this weekend, they can clinch their first playoff appearance since Palmer's knee was turned into jello by the Steelers.

Cleveland Browns stadium can look pretty empty by halftime for the most part but if they were playing for a playoff berth this weekend, the place would be rocking (as most other stadiums would be). Cincitucky is lame. I would be embarrassed to be a Bengals fan today after reading that story.

GMoney said...

The Bengals have an interesting fan base. Sure, they are good this year and appear to be setting themselves up for a bright future. But they have been shit on HUNDREDS of times by Mike Brown and I wouldn't want to give him any of my money either since he doesn't put much of it back into the team.

Browns fans are retarded like Cubs fans. If you keep showing up, nothing is going to change. Bengals fans have had enough and are staying home as a way to get to the Brown family to sell.

Anonymous said...

Congrats G$!

Ill ttake 3rd and 1st/2nd in the MSFL.

Are we golfing again next year and not at a dry course Dut? And why are you going to da D right now? Red wings?

If the fleshlight is official in the DFL expect people to be waiting to join.

F yeah Lions. Up and down year but to win 10 games is huge and if we can get a running game we may contend for a while. Stafford is only 23!

----Lange

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

As much as I would like to believe this is a concerted effort by Bengals fans to force a sell, I don't think Cinictuckians are that smart. Mike Brown is a horrific owner but they are only one win away from the playoffs. THE PLAYOFFS! Bengals fans should know how few and far between those seasons can be. You can hate your owner, bitch and moan during the offseason. As a Browns fan, I am offended that another perenial bottom dweller can't even sell out their own stadium during a playoff run. They don't deserve the team that is representing their city this year.

I may be retarded for my continual support for the Orange and Brown but I don't know any other way. It's just going to make it that much sweeter when we are relevant again. I just hope I'm not 6 feet under by the time it happens.

Anonymous said...

UPDATE!

No Fleshlights in stock. :( But I did seeyou a cocoa stroker! However we did find over a pound of homegrown weed at his place. Too bad were not in high school, I left it there.

And I just got offered a job in nyc and accepted it. I too will not miss the DFL draft.

Ide

GMoney said...

Wow...nice work, Ide. We will miss you in OhIDEo. Not really.