Monday, December 19, 2011

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.V

Somebody do a Mapquest for this town...I went to spend the holidays there
What the fuck?  How does a team roll through their season and then can't even beat the fucking Chiefs?  Whether you like the Packers or not is irrelevant because the '72 Dolphins are popping the champagne again and that makes us all losers.  LOSERS.  Can you believe that the perfect season was ruined by Romeo Crennel and broken-fingered Kyle Orton Express?  That's gay.  Orton is an elite drunk as any Google image search will prove, but he shouldn't be beating anything but his whiskey dick.  Stupid goddamn Mike McCarthy looking like an egg.  They didn't even have any pressure to replicate McClure Pony League 1995 either since all of the spotlight is on Denver and their Jesusback.  That was simply a choke.  Thanks for nothing, Aaron Rodgers.

The NFL - Hey assholes, you only have to put each team on primetime once.  There is ZERO demand for three Jaguars games at night.  None.

Blaine Gabbert - I'm so happy that the Redskins passed on this guy.  He blows and is scared.

Wild claims - Lange sort of mentioned this on Friday but I want to hit it home:  Maurice Jones-Drew is the best running back in the NFL.  Period.  

Raheem Morris - It must be nice to watch your team quit on you.  It must be nice to keep your job because management doesn't see anyone fitting to be an interim coach.


Johnny Knox's flexibility - What a little bitch...can't even take a spine-bending hit and survive!

Caleb Hanie - This guy is absolutely shitty.  He is, without question, the worst quarterback in the league.  The Bears are done.  Thanks for those two pick sixes, Caleb, since Damman is still starting Seattle D for some reason.

Sam Hurd - This story just keeps getting more awesome.  While the act of drug-dealing is shady as fuck, you've got to appreciate Hurd's desire to be the biggest drug dealer in all of Chicago.  I hope that his blackbook gets released because I guarantee than Trent Williams and Fred Davis are in that bitch.  Dude's going to spend the rest of his life in jail though.  It was totes worth it, I bet.

Tennessee - Way to lose to the Colts.  I'm sorry, that isn't fair.  Way to get DESTROYED by the Colts.

Matthew Hasselbeck - I have no idea why this guy is still starting.  He blows and Locker is better.


Jermichael Finley - CANNOT CATCH.  At all.  Finley might be the most overrated player in the NFL.

Rams and Vikings - Whatevs.

ELIte Manning - I can't believe that the Redskins swept the Giants this season.  That is embarrassing.  I also don't like how we helped the Cowboys.  Is it just me or should the Giants be way better than 7-7?  After a shaky first quarter, The Sex Cannon looked terrific.  We're fucking up our draft position though.

TJ Yates - Week fifteen was sort of the end of quite a few good runs like Eli looking elite, the Packers win streak, and Yates appearing to be a competent QB.  After a team has clinched their division, it's almost a guarantee that they will get beat the next week.  Shame on Texans fans for booing them though.  Maybe they'd rather have those 7-9 teams back again?

Bills Defense - Bad day for upstate New York with Commenter Daniel getting steamrolled by G$ in the DFL playoffs and the Bills defense letting Reggie fucking Bush drop 2 bills on them.

The Cruel Mistress - I have all four of my fantasy teams in the playoffs.  I've daydreamed about winning all 4 of those leagues and then getting asked to join the cast of The League.  But the reality is that fantasy football is a bitch that likes to fuck you at the worst moment.  And thus my MSFL team that was awesome for 14 weeks shit their knickers on me this week and now I am done.  That blows.  I will not congratulate Damman because I am superior but I will take the high road and say that HE GOT LUCKY!!!  Green-Ellis and Beanie blow!  Ugh, fantasy football...how I hate to lose.

Colt McCoy - I couldn't help but notice that he was not missed this week.  Arizona or Seattle better not make the playoffs.

Lion/Raiders WTF!!! - That was a pretty incredible finish as Megatron finally came back from his 5 straight weeks of shittiness to PWN.  In the 3rd quarter, I was thinking to myself that the Lions have no identity anymore on offense.  Then Chins went buck wild on that Raiders defense and that is the kind of win that gets a team's mojo back. 

Rex Ryan's defense - The fuck was that?

Meaningless records - Shady McCoy broke some old fucker's franchise touchdown record.  Whatever.  This is not the Andy Reid that I know who is afraid of running the ball.  Yes, the reason that the Eagles suck this year is because of McCoy.  FACT!

Everyone on the Broncos but Tebow! - Damn.  I really wanted that Statehouse rimjob from Grumpy.  I didn't think that Double T played poorly actually.  He threw the ball fairly well but the turnovers were killer.  Oh well, Tebow is still going to beat the Steelers.

At least I'm on my way to the DFL Super Bowl to battle the team of Ide/Buke.  I am not afraid.  Ide may have the smut business in his bloodlines, but I am still superior.  I am too depressed about the MSFL to proofread this...deal with it.

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

Tenor won't get a shot at the Steelers after they win the division and get a bye.

Daniel said...

Matthews had a big game last night coupled with the Brees fumble scoring adjustment, I'm down 4.8 going into tonight's game. VERN V. Mendy! I don't like my chances but I still got a chance! My decision to start Suckman will haunt me all offseason.

I can't wait to see RGIII in a Bills uni next year!

GMoney said...

Who's Tenor?

I need to backtrack a bit. I am not a lock for the DFL Super Bowl due to Ray Lewis being a complete fuckhead and letting the very average Ry-Math score twice last night. Now I take a 6.8 point lead over Daniel into MNF. He has Vernon and I have Mendenhall. I still think I'm good but this is unnecessary anxiety. 50 points out of Spiller and Mathews? Fuck that noise.

Grump, can we get one of your scumbag defense guys to knock Davis out tonight in the first quarter???

If I lose in the semis of both the DFL and MSFL, I will cry like a little bitch. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY, DAMMIT!!!

Joe Flacco blows by the way.

GMoney said...

That's bullshit on that fumble. He never even touched the ball. Rules Committee is filing a protest.

Dow to 4.8...ESPN is trying to fuck me.

Grumpy said...

Fucking little iPad keyboard. Tebow.

Anonymous said...

If the Lions win on Saturday, a playoff berth is clinched. That is going to be a WILD atmosphere in Detroit and I can't wait.

People really need to start talking more about how ELITE of a season Stafford is having in his first full season. He's fourth in the league in yards and TD's...already has 33 TD's.

Here are the QB's that I'd put above him...

Brady
Ben
Brees
Rodgers
Eli
Matt Ryan

Not bad for his third year in the league. Anybody that argued Sanchez over Stafford is a moron too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Seahawks D has won it for me the last 2 weeks. That's why I start them. And that's why you are going home.

Seneca Wallace looks much better than Colt. We may have seen Colt's last game as a Brown.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Seneca has been a career back-up for a reason though. He can only be competent for short stretches.

I am getting over my MSFL loss because I can blame it on the return of Ray Lewis. If he would have just sat out, I would still be playing. Ravens D fucked me! They are no Seahawks D!

Drew, the only people that think that Sanchise is better than Stafford are Colin Cowherd and maybe Rex Ryan.

Goddammit, I am so nervous for tonight. I've got the Daniel game to worry about and Reba has Gore and Niners D, down 13 (although I would win the tiebreaker) in the G$FL. I can't lose in three playoffs this week. It would be the worst Christmas ever.

Daniel said...

I cut the Seattle D this week in favor of the Lions D. I would be a shoe-in if it weren't for that mistake. Call me Andy Reid because I'm choking under all the pressure!

Anonymous said...

Go Vernon Davis

Anonymous said...

Whoa, I wasn't saying Seneca should be our qb of the future. I was just saying he looked a lot better than Colt has all season yesterday. Kind of disproving the idea that Colt sucked because of the talent around him. The talent obviously still sucks but Colt is a bigger part of the problem than I thought.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Gotcha. I will say this, I'm a huge fan of Seneca's beard. That thing is elite.

Seneca's beard > Tim Tenor

The Iceman said...

Let's see how Stafford does in the playoffs before we start deep throating him, Drew. Keep in mind being awesome in the regular season and an abortion in the playoffs is the same reason people slam Romo...well, that and because he dates brain dead women who encourage American women to wear pink NFL jerseys.

Prime99 said...

Well, everyone can rest easy that Murder Panties got eliminated from the MSFL because I would've dick stomped all of you this week.

The Bears collapse is depressing and I agree that Caleb Hanie is the worst QB in the league.

I do find the Packers loss hilarious, but still hate the 72 Dolphins. I want them to see their legacy end before ,ost of the die.

GMoney said...

It is no coincidence that my MSFL exit and Kim Jong Il's exit from life happened on the same day. He was the lifeblood of my squadron.

Prime, exactly. I was getting shit-packed no matter who I played this week.

Anonymous said...

Reading Peter King today and he is really back Romeo to get the full time gig in KC. Please let this happen. We need some comic relief on NFL sidelines. His terrible challenges (the one yesterday was just outstanding), the clueless looks, not knowing when to kick a field goal or go for a TD, the awful clock managemebt...the NFL has missed this. Come on KC, hire this man!

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Add cam newton to the 'better than stafford' list.

I hope the fantasy gods do what is right and let vern outscore mendy by 5. G$ needs a case of humble pie.

It was kind of relaxing to watch football and not have to worry about fantasy football. Maybe I will retire after this season and focus in sports betting.

Noah spence (#1 ranked DE and top 10 overall player by all recruiting services) committed to the buckeyes last night. It's also worth noting that osu wasn't being considered at all until urban blew up his phone. Urban meyer is my hero.

I would have been really pissed if the browns would have won yesterday. That would cost them about 5 draft spots. The skins just eliminated themselves from Barkley competition. Hope the meaningless win was worth it.

Dut

GMoney said...

Peter was even worse than usual today.

He doesn't think that the GIants are the worst home team, HE KNOWS IT.

GMoney said...

Dut, it was not worth it but Eli Manning is a faggot that had to go ruining things. Ol Peter has the Browns slotted to take RGIII though and PK knows all.

No thanks on that humble pie. I'm good.

Anonymous said...

MSFL- Damman I can't wait til next weekend. I was nervous doin a PPR league and then my team blows up.

DFL- Damn. No repeat.

JFL- Yes it is still alive and yes I am looking to try and 3peat.

If any of you want FF drafting advice feel free to ask me.

Drew, I'm with you on the Stafford comment. For his 3rd season and no running game I'm pretty impressed. Lions and playoffs in the same sentence... God bless you Mr. Schwartz.

Congrats Ide/Boke. I was just happy to knock out Dut and to hear him act like he is happy being done with FF makes me smile even more.

Frank Gore 45 points tonight please.

----Lange

Grumpy said...

Gore won't get 45 yds.

GMoney said...

Anyone listen to Cowherd today? Fucking embarrassing how much he wants to drink Grey Goose out of Romo's asshole. Apparently beating the Bucs makes one the greatest QB to ever live.

Grumpy, I'll take 45 yards from Vernon, too, if you are offering...

GMoney said...

By the way, today's Fun With Peter King may be the best one ever. This absolutely killed me:

Dan Marino was really hit hard by her death. “She’s a great girl,” he said. “She could have been from Pittsburgh.” Now that’s high praise from Marino.

????????!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!

What does that… How do you even… AM I ALIVE? Am I on planet Earth right now, or have I fallen into some sort of alternate dimension where you can die and have people say with a straight face that you were Pittsburghish and have that make sense to another, stupider person?

Brady said...

I am now convinced the Browns could start any quarterback who has ever played or currently plays in the NFL and finish 5-11 every year. The mediocrity just oozes from every game they play. It is the same shit every year/game/play. Being a fan of this team must be what Chinese water torture feels like. A slow, constant drip until you finally go insane. Fucking disgrace to the game of Football. I don't know why I still get all worked up about their games.

At least Baltimore got the shit kicked out of them. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Maybe somebody can finish off Rapelisberger's knee for me tonight too. That would salvage the weekend. Fuck the Steelers.

Grumpy said...

Funny what haters you Browns fans are, but how quickly you forget they passed on Ben in the draft. Fucking losers, and always will be.

Anonymous said...

Big Ben would be working at the Citgo right now if the Browns drafted him.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

At least we have a (more) respectable fan base. Steeler fans are the scum if the earth. Oozing with low income and terrible life choices, they make easy targets for any social services investigation.

Ide

GMoney said...

It's hard to respect a fanbase that supports the Cleveland Browns franchise though. That's why I don't bother. Want change? Stop going to the games.

Brady said...

I don't have the time to play the "who the browns passed on in the draft" game. It's a who's who of pro bowlers and future HOF'ers. In Cleveland they hate those type of players. We would rather draft the Gerard Warrens and William Greens of the world. Nope, my pro football fandom has been reduced to rooting against the Rat Birds and those cousin-fuckers in rural Appalachia.

I can't stop rooting for the Browns though. First of all, my dad would disown me. Secondly, the year I give up on them is the year they win the whole thing. I'll just wait it out and continue to bitch and moan until something changes. This is why I fucking obsess over the Buckeyes so much. Oh, fuck the Steelers again.

Prime99 said...

G$- that's how the Ravens were invented in the first place!

GMoney said...

Prime, not really. Modell tried to buttfuck the city into building him a stadium but Cleveland was wearing their Frank Drebin iron underwear.

Brady said...

Just read that MMQB on KSK and it was one of the best ever. Drew was fucking pissed off today! How people can even look at Peter King with a straight face is beyond me. I actually had a friend say he liked King the other day and I went off on him for 10 minutes. We BARELY stayed friends after that episode.