Thursday, December 15, 2011

What's In YOUR Post-Coital Gift Basket?

On the set of an early-90's Color Me Badd video shoot???
I am in a terrible mood. I got totally fucked over by my umpire assigner. I am furious. Quick one today:

Derek Jeter is in the news this week for his less than chivalrous behavior. Apparently, since he is single again he has resumed the role of “Supermodel Pussy Destroyer”. If this is true, he likes to take them back to his house, use them, abuse them, call them a car, get them the fuck out of his apartment, and leave them with a lovely gift basket filled with autographs and scented fleshlights and God knows what else. I don’t see what the problem is. Bitches get to receive a superstar’s seed AND they get presents!

I think that this is really funny and cool. If I could do it, I would. And that is the topic for today:

What would you leave in a gift basket for your piece of ass after you’ve shown her the door?

Damman – A “YES FAT CHICKS” t-shirt
Prime – Copies of his CD’s, guitar picks, and a plaster mold of his johnson
Naptown Wolverine – a box of Hungry Jack instant mashed potatoes and Just For Men
Seal – A jar of Tony Delk’s sweat and a handful of wetnaps to wipe the shit off their chest
Beanie – Is he still alive?
Drew – He would have his driver kick her in the ribs and then claim that every one of us would want him as their driver…also instructions for cleaning a Cocoa Stroker
Grumpy – Ben Gay, hard candy, and a pamphlet on osteoporosis
Ide – Pig’s feet, grape soda, and a Best of the Source Awards DVD
Mr. Ace – Whatever it is it will be 80% vegan and probably a baggy of his dog's shit
Li’l Strut – His brother’s old political yard signs and a 19,000 word thesis on the benefits of recruiting
The Iceman – Brady Hoke sunglasses and a ton of terrible analogies
Lange – Swisher Sweets and a guidebook for excellent fantasy football play
Dut – A note stating, “Sorry, I thought you were a guy” and a couple of mid-80’s Playgirls
Brady – I haven’t figured Brady out yet…he’d probably ask the skank to stay and cuddle

And me, well, I only give out the finest: Pictures of Tim Tebow, miniature American flags, a Hot Rod Williams Starting Lineup figure, and vibrating cock rings.

I feel like this is a topic that we can have fun with. Have at it. What are you putting in your Jeter-esque giftbag? And how could any man dump Minka Kelly? And do you think Jeter is a robot in the sack or does he bring out nipple clamps and speculums?  Needless to say, Derek Jeter (even approaching 40) is still one of the coolest guys on the planet.

And just a reminder, if you haven't joined up, feel free to do so. BOWL PICK 'EM!!!  ID is 17565 and the password is gmoney. Win free shit like Uncle T's game-worn anal beads!

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

A Sox pack of.Natty tall boys.

Gift certificate to 2110.

DVD of the 2002 OSU/Da U NCG.

-Drew

Grumpy said...

A socket set, SAE, fuck that metric shit; a bag of Werther's originals and a copy of the DVD of us that I secretly taped.

GMoney said...

That 2110 gift certificate would be worth the sodomy. Kevin Groves WUT!!!

RIP Baron Davis's career in Believeland...

Daniel said...

I'd give them a fruit basket, figuratively.

G$ you worried about the prospects of going up against Sexy Rexy in the DFL Semis?

MuDawgfan said...

A gift certificate to Bagel and Deli in Oxford, OH
A football signed by Terna Nande
An autographed photo of Terry Hoeppner

Anonymous said...

A morning after pill.

A ticket to the 2012 NCAA National championship game in UK's section to see Calipari win a title.

A Fathead of myself.

Seal

GMoney said...

A "self" fathead would make a lovely parting gift.

Daniel, you thinking about Grossman-ing my ass? I'm all sorts of conflicted now.

Bagel & Deli should only be given to "the one". It is not for random whores.

Serious question: Will Damman/Fat Chicks jokes ever grow tiresome???

Anonymous said...

Coming live to you on a train in downtown Chicago. Holla.

-Drew

Anonymous said...

A) Damman and fat girls will never get old.

B) My gift bag will feature such literature as: Herpes and you, Being a single mother, and a $5 gift card to Applebees.

Ide

GMoney said...

I was wondering why you were commenting so early, Drew. But then again, that doesn't really answer the question. Whatever, you're still gay.

Grumpy said...

Drew, get me a gift certificate to Gino's East while you're there.

Prime99 said...

Hmm... I think your assessment of my parting gifts could be closer to reality than anyone else's, LOL.

I might add Ron Santos' right leg, a Rex Grossman Bears jersey, and I'd give a fake number which would end up being that Packers bar that Drew prank called last year after they lost to the Lions.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Ginos. Giardanos is much better and sells frozen pies. Yes, I have walked through Midway with a 20 pound pizza in my clutches. It was a carry on.

Ide

Brady said...

I am one who enjoys a good cuddle... naw fuck that shit. Bitch better be hittin' the bricks before I roll over. My gift basket includes:

-A couple benjamins rolled inside of some Monopoly $100 bills. BOOM- comedy gold!

-Barry's Bagel's Bacon egg and cheese sandwich. It is the breakfast of champions and I'm still pissed they moved out of BG 8 years later.

-Gag order from my high priced attorney so that bitch knows I plays for keeps. Go ahead and tell your friends if you want to serve tables the rest of your life.

-Finally, a brand new egg of silly puddy. I don't know why. I just like that shit.

GMoney said...

Prime, how many Santo legs can you give away though? You would need to start sawing off the legs of other people named Ron Santo which could lead to some legal issues down the road.

The best pizza ever is Marco's. Everyone knows that.

I like the idea of making them sign a confidentiality clause though.

The Iceman said...

I would give the following:

-A Chris Sabo rookie card I signed myself when I was 10.

-A bag of my frozen urine.

-A thank you card with two children holding hands on the front and an enscription on the inside that says, "Good Hustle.".

-And Damman's phone number with a post script that says, "Only call this number if you put on 80 pounds and are looking for sex more disgusting than child birth.

And no...Damman fat chick jokes will never get old.

The Iceman said...

I honestly thought that picture was of the Situation at first.

Drew...what do you think about Rip going to Chicago?

GMoney said...

Iceman, you asked Drew but I'll add my two cents:

Rip is an old man that has steadily declined. He isn't going to make the Bulls worse, but they aren't shoe-in's for the Finals just because of him. Korver is still going to get the end of game minutes over him. Not a bad a contract though.

The Iceman said...

He's gonna start right away...and then eventually The Penguin is going to realize that a 33 year old SG is someone who needs to come off the bench. Then Rip will piss and moan his way right out of Chicago. Rip is awesome and a great team mate when he's starting and getting 35 minutes per game...just don't take that away from him unless you want a fucking child to babysit.

Brady said...

My only hope for Rip is that he ups the ante on his face mask. Trick that thing out with all the bells and whistles. I'm not sure what he could do to accesorize but it would be a step in the right direction in getting me to watch the NBA.

The Iceman said...

Brady watching the NBA is about as likely as Damman's next sexual conquest being under 2 bills.

Brady said...

-A thank you card with two children holding hands on the front and an enscription on the inside that says, "Good Hustle.".

I knew we were friends for a reason. Almost fell out of my chair on that one Ice.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! I'm flattered that you guys are so obsessed with my sex life, Iceman especially, but I feel it's time to move on to more pressing topics.

I don't have any cute analogies so I'll just say that I'm honored that you guys think about me so much and my activities in the bedroom.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Consider it this site's way of telling you that you have overstayed your welcome in the MSFL Playoffs. Go away now. Way to be a 44 point underdog to me this weekend.

Daniel said...

G$ - upon consultation with my legal advisor (Lil Strut), Rex Grossman is firmly planted in my starting lineup against you this weekend. My QB situation is pathetic.

GMoney said...

Just ask Prime if it's possible to win a fantasy title by starting the Sex Cannon. It is.

Prime99 said...

Did it last year!

Prime99 said...

Also- SAM HURD!!! What's up with that drug dealing mofo? I guess $5.1 over 3 years is not enough.